Fifth step: View all men as bipolar, not in the clinical but the romantic/marital sense.
Consequently, men don’t love as women do, which explains why women don’t get what they expect. His love is more mental than heartfelt like a woman’s. Devotion is his form of heartfelt emotion. His devotion develops in heart, while bonding love develops in mind. Bipolar! Devotion is bodyguard to his love, and so it comes first with little bonding while his love bonds deeply in background.
Women see his devotion, call it love, judge it adequate or not, and then give him far too little credit for his bonded love. Devotion scouts her out, confirms the requirements to qualify her for his love, and then devotion keeps him continually advised of his wisdom for having chosen her. The weather of his devotion, stormy or peaceful, keeps his mind advised continually of the wisdom of having chosen her.
While his devotion can seem fickle at times, she should do a self-analysis if devotion tends not to match her attitude. Or, if his devotion fails to bounce slightly up and down, roll with daily punches, and keep both sides pleasant if not happy. Otherwise, his bodyguard’s extended fickleness or unpleasant attitude is waving a red flag, and his love will become questionable or start to falter unless she does something to improve their relationship as measured by his original expressions of devotion.
His devotion is more visible and relevant in her life than his love, because it’s the bodyguard of his mind. Paradox? You bet. The way to a man’s heart is to engender his devotion and forget his bonding love, which will magically appear later if her behavior doesn’t discourage it and she remains the gal of his dreams.
A man’s love takes a time to develop. First, he has to see actions that match her words that he is the one for her. Second, he expects to see the following portrayed over time. 1) She continues to be and should become even more likeable, and 2) he is willing to commit to himself to be loyal to her. He decides he can give up all others to possess her. 3) He has to witness that he is very likeable to her, and 4) that she consistently demonstrates loyalty to him with actions that confirm her words. All of which composes over time mostly out of his mental, self-examining, and trust-building thoughts that develop in parallel with her fascination and promise as a potential mate.
Witnessing those four requirements in both actions and confirming words, he can admit to himself that he probably loves her. He has emotional connections, but it doesn’t mean he admits it’s love. He stays flexible, and subsequently, his love evolves out of and is confirmed continuously by 1) self-admiration for possessing her and 2) respect for her generated by her trust of him. Then he can integrate his love of her with his present life, out of which his bonding love emerges.
Bonding love is the product of his mind, of who he is as a man and not just as a mate, which brings his outside world into their life together. Reread that, gals. His bonding love is the product of who he is. It isn’t just you that he loves. In female lingo, it’s us, but technically not so. Instead, ‘it is me with her at my side’. He is a bigger and better man, or else it isn’t bonding love. (Wives often get a blank stare when they try to convince husband that ‘us’ is the most important. His sense of manly—as opposed to female love—knows there is much more involved.)
His sense of self-admiration that is pleased by her respect and his possessing her are products of his mind rather than his heart. His devotion, however, is more heart than mind, which makes it more valuable to her and can be quicker and easier to win. For example, love at first sight for a man is a misnomer. Devotion is more accurate.
A man’s devotion is what women seek and appreciate, before they learn better by maturing alongside a man in a successful relationship. Being the precursor, devotion is more easily displayed than his love that remains unformed. Devotion is also more pleasing to females, because affection more easily flows out of it.
Devotion develops quickly in his heart, and he’s not resistant and perhaps even eager to show it. It is his emotional connection and showing it has these effects. He doesn’t obligate himself, and it helps him along the road to conquest, which never leaves his subconscious mind as primary objective.
OTOH, a man’s love is less active, more resistant to disclosure, and much more serious, because it shapes the way he lives. Once committed to follow his devotion, self-imposed obligations pervade and expand his sense of duty and responsibility. Just as women are born to love, to use it, and to spread it; a man is born to use his sense of duty to care for those for whom he accepts responsibility. His sense of duty governs his life, what needs to be done must be done. It is an emotional factor not openly shared with his woman, and it is separate from his devotion to her. Thus, a man’s order of dedication to his own life overrides his emotional connections to her. His devotion is to her; his love is to his life, and his true love (later) is to his marriage.
A man’s love energizes his endeavors on their behalf as a couple. His devotion surprises her with a kiss on the back of the neck, a gift, and various attentions that she sees as expressions of his love. But it is only the internal home-side side of his life, his devotion. He has a much deeper connection to himself and his multiple roles in life. When she is grateful for his serving her, depends on him as his bonding love expects, and lives with whatever level of devotion he chooses to deliver in response to her likeability, then she can recognize his bonded love.
His devotion drives his attention to her personally, but his true love is energized by his sense of duty and responsibility and lurks in background of their home. It’s the bonding and the true love that keeps him around to accept putting up with all her s*** long after her likeability fades and his devoted bodyguard exclaims, let’s get out.
Over time, weakening of devotion shocks his mind. Her loyalty dissipates under suspicion for cheating; she nags and nags; shows disrespect; she does not listen to him; interrupts far too much; demeans him or his efforts; flings guilt at him; criticizes him; or regards his comments or explanations of things in life as unworthy of her full attention. Her likeability deteriorates, and his devotion dissolves. His mind follows, but there is a ground floor beyond which his sense of duty will not go unless pushed so far that it threatens his ego. (His greatest fear is insignificance aka ego by females.)
The strength of masculine true love holds a couple together long after devotion has died and they learn to live different lives under the same roof. It is the real strength that overcomes and can outlast the inborn fickleness of females that they never have enough, when it comes to a return on their investment of love.
His love reinforces itself in spite of daily pressures—e.g., on the job, parents’ conditions, economic conditions—that have little to do with her directly. However, his devotion varies according to her daily changes in likeability and loyalty. When his devotion weakens or steadies at a lower level, the bonding of his love is threatened but much slower to respond than that of his bodyguard.
Women tend to expect men to act like women in a continuous love scene. Not about to happen, but women remain in charge because of their relationship expertise that makes them the superior gender. When they calm their loving instincts a little and throw away the urge to blame, the odds of winning the heart of a man will go up dramatically and re-gain the momentum that brings fruition to lifetime marriage.
All of the above takes place both before or after marriage.