2553. Ten Steps To Win A Man’s Heart — Step 06: She Earns Devotion


Sixth step: Women do not separate devotion and love as I do (see 2552). They call it manly love, but it’s a man’s devotion that first wins a woman’s heart. His confirming love develops over time. She is so likeable that he devotes himself in dating and courtship, and it enables his love to develop.

When marriage comes up, she faces this dilemma. She thinks in terms of the future brightening up for them as a couple. He thinks in terms of living as a couple in the present. What she envisions concerns and may threaten him. Can he do it? Does he want to? What does he have to give up? How is his present life affected? Can he ever escape? At what price? Can’t we test it by shacking up?

She wants marriage, but he has to buy into it. She’s the seller of marriage but the buyer of Mr. Good Enough. The process requires concurrent screening of him to ensure good enough and shaping his thinking to match hers about marriage. It’s called successful courtship and engagement, and she is in charge without seeming to be.

He is chasing conquest, but her chastity makes him think deeper into what role marriage plays in his conquering endeavors and his way of life. Men have not the foggiest conception of what a woman has in mind for her marriage. The steeper his learning curve, the more faults, excuses, and ‘unacceptables’ he finds.

She does best by proceeding with a flatter learning curve by dragging out a lengthy courtship. She lets him work his thinking up to marriage. Two things prompt it best: She refuses conquest, and she doesn’t admit to “I love you” for as long as possible.

Three little words are neither appealing nor good advertising but admission that he has already won her. Hints are okay and more productive than the words. Much more than they are told, men believe what they figure out from evidence they gather. He may want to hear her speak the words, even ask, but her loving actions and wordy silence says he’s not yet worthy enough. Hearing those words is something else for him to earn; more effective for her, because men don’t appreciate unearned gifts.

Devotion is more magnetic than a man’s love and simpler to earn. It is her primary objective. His love is so different from a woman’s that it is never enough for her, he is reluctant to speak of it, and she learns to live with insufficiency until he is ready to admit it. (Her pressures to gain his equal commitment of love just leads to her frustration when he cannot commit that way, which tempts her to blame him, which turns him off about her.)

The emotional connection that his devotion creates can sustain a famine of three little words, if she is calm and confident enough. Modern women act on the conviction that he needs to hear of her love to keep from losing him, rather than the wiser option that he should have to work for it to earn her.

Chastity adds to the ease of earning a man’s devotion. He keeps pleasing her out of frustration trying to bed her, and his actions program his heart with devotion. In much the same way, her inclination to NOT use three little words to help her agenda programs his heart in her favor.

Three little words have very little if anything to do with earning a man’s devotion. In fact, the longer she is silent about them, the better for her. Several reasons:

  1. Love grows best and chastity is sustained easier when the focus is the couple’s actions and presumed emotional connections rather than directly sharing their feelings for each other. When women are quiet, they notice that men don’t bring up the subject. Less frequent sharing leads to longer courtships and develops benefits for women. More frequent sharing invites early conquest (but it works well to hold a couple together, as their love matures after conquest).
  2. He pursues her before his emotional connection has developed into love; devotion substitutes. Her three little words are a mark of his success. If early in the relationship, hearing them means he has already done enough to win her, he doesn’t have to work as hard to please her, he can take his mind off her to spend on job and life, he can do less to please her, it slows or stops development of his devotion, and it weakens courtship intensity. Of course, that is worst-case scenario.
  3. Why say I love you? If she doesn’t offer it in order to please herself, he tries harder to earn her attention, affection, and induce her to say it. Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts; he expects to work to get her to say it. Offered too early in his determined effort to get her in bed, means that he didn’t have to work hard. I love you is unearned, and she loses respect for loving him but refusing to bed him.
  4. It is not something he needs to hear; he judges her actions. She volunteers three little words in the mistaken belief he wants to hear them; actually she does it more to please herself by pleasing him. It’s her form of devotion and she is proud, but it does little good in the long run.
  5. Moreover, her words carry an implicit obligation. How should he respond? He wonders, is he expected to confess the same? If so, what obligation? Same as hers? It’s unstated so he has to guess! The relationship changed, so how does he act now? His anxiety starts to build, what does she expect of him? How does he hide his anxiety without offending? Why can’t we just enjoy ourselves together as friends? Moreover, she wants to hear the same from him, and he’s not ready. His love not having developed, he is not inclined to utter it—sincerely and meaningfully, that is.

Devoted, a man’s habits please himself by pleasing her, to make her happy or at least pleased with him. He’s willing to shack up, as it relieves anxieties that come between devotion and marriage.

Devotion makes him more sensitive to her needs. Of course, being denied conquest, his curiosity and imagination are active to figure out the price he has to pay to bed her. After awhile, marriage becomes more appealing than before.

She may prompt but he initiates most of his actions that program his heart with devotion. The following examples accumulate over time. Just to please her, these things become natural to him until his giving becomes habitual. Gifts of whatever kind given randomly rather than expectedly (random as to item, habitual as to giving); paying attention to what she says; listening well when she talks; gifts picked up out of convenience; thoughtful attempts to make her feel good about herself; love letters; surprises; finishing tasks so that she has no complaints; seeking her advice on matters mostly of interest to him; defending her against criticism by anyone else; suggesting rather than criticizing; lifting her spirits, empathizing and sympathizing as appropriate, doing chores that help her, and planting seeds that something is wrong or needs improvement. In a manly way he copies many techniques of the female nature—e.g., indirectness—without acting femmy or even close.

As long as she enables him to think that he is eligible for her love, he has no incentive for new habits and gifting. The more she hides her eagerness for him, the less he knows about where he stands with her, and the more likely he learns to take actions that program his heart with devotion.

The smart woman never casts doubt on his devotion; e.g., all gifts enthuse her and exalt his presence in her life; if she does not like his taste then she still wears it, eats, drinks, or displays it at least once—and as if she loves it. No gift is ever wrong, task unnecessary, or efforts unrecognized even if he cannot be rewarded. (Incidentally, it carries an implicit message for wives. Devotion has to be sustained after marriage. A husband’s devotion can easily be killed by taking the opposite attitude of that just cited.)

Women are in charge of earning a man’s devotion. There is no motivation except self-motivation. Consequently, women have to motivate themselves to be the kind of woman that encourages a man to motivate himself to become devoted to her. Indirectness wins again. Becoming that kind of woman will be addressed in Step 10.

Next: Allow your man to walk himself to the altar.

14 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, How she wins, marriage

14 responses to “2553. Ten Steps To Win A Man’s Heart — Step 06: She Earns Devotion

  1. Beloved

    I’m almost getting the impression that a woman shouldn’t bother loving a man. It seems it’s unwanted, unappreciated and ends up causing her heartache. It seems she should not love him, not tell him, barely show him and that is what makes him love her or if he’s not that into her he finds someone else. Is that accurate? And in the previous message, I believe, you said that men love with their minds. Isn’t that not real love if it isn’t with the heart as women do? So women truly love and men don’t, that’s why it’s so fragile when a man “loves” a woman because it’s not deep or even really love, it’s him loving how she makes him feel, etc. I can’t wait to hear your thoughts.

    Your Highness Beloved,

    MY RESPONSE IS IN CAPS TO your lower case comment.

    I’m almost getting the impression that a woman shouldn’t bother loving a man. [EXCEPT THAT SHE IS BORN TO DO SO IN ORDER TO FULFILL HER HOPES AND DREAMS. HOPEFULLY HER MAN IS AMONG THOSE SHE LOVES THE MOST.]

    It seems it’s unwanted, unappreciated and ends up causing her heartache. [NEVER UNWANTED AND ONLY UNAPPRECIATED IN THE PROCESS OF MOVING HIM FROM FROM DATE TO ALTAR, BACHELOR TO HUSBAND. IT’S NOT AS YOU SAY, BUT SPREADING HER LOVE ALL OVER HIM IS UNNECESSARY AND CAN BE DISRUPTIVE GETTING HIM TO THE ALTAR. WHEN SHE SHOWS ACTIONS THAT HE RECOGNIZES THAT HE CAN ‘OWN’ HER, HE HAS THE BALL IN HIS COURT. HE HAS A GAZILLION THINGS TO CONSIDER SUCH AS LOSS OF INDEPENDENCE, THEIR ABILITY TO BE FAITHFUL, HER LIKEABILITY BEING ENOUGH TO KEEP HIM FOR LIFE, HIS ABILITY TO SUPPORT HER, LOSS OF HIS CURRENT LIFESTYLE, HER ABILITY TO DEPEND ON HIM, AND I COULD GO ON QUITE AWHILE.]

    It seems she should not love him, [NOT SO],

    not tell him [IT JUST ADDS LITTLE TO HER GAME PLAN TO LURE HIM INTO MARRIAGE. SHE MAKES HIM EARN THOSE THREE LITTLE WORDS TO PROVE THAT HE IS WORTHY OF HER,]

    barely show him [DO SO WITH ACTIONS THAT MEN APPRECIATE MUCH MORE THAN WORDS. WHEN HE FIGURES OUT THAT SHE LOVES HIM, HE APPRECIATES IT MUCH MORE THAN WHATEVER SHE SAYS. THE SAME GOES FOR HER PROMISES ABOUT MARRIAGE AND THE PROMISE HE SEES IN HER AS HIS MATE.]

    and that is what makes him love her [NOT SO, AS HER ACTIONS CONVINCE BETTER THAN WORDS. WOMEN TRUST WORDS, MEN TRUST ACTIONS, AND THEIR NATURES DISCRIMINATE AGAINST FULLY BELIEVING WHAT THEY HEAR AND SEE FROM THE OTHER. IT’S A NATURAL DIFFERENCE INHERITED AT BIRTH]

    or if he’s not that into her [HE WOULDN’T BE CONSIDERING MARRIAGE]

    he finds someone else [THAT USUALLY FOLLOWS DROPPING ONE WOMAN. OVER COMMITMENT LEADS TO WEAK CONNECTION.]

    Is that accurate? [NOT NEARLY ACCURATE. I WRITE ABOUT MOTIVATION, YOU SEEM TO BE FOCUSED ON THE SHORT TERM EFFECT THAT COMES WHEN A WOMAN EXPECTS MORE THAN SHE GETS. IOW SHE FINDS REASONS TO BLAME RATHER THAN FIND REASONS TO BUILD TIGHTER CONNECTIONS. IT’S A SHORT-RANGE GAME PLAN THAT USUALLY DOESN’T PRODUCE A WEDDING.]

    And in the previous message, I believe, you said that men love with their minds. Isn’t that not real love if it isn’t with the heart as women do? [WHO SAID WOMEN’S LOVE IS THE ONLY ONE, OR WAY, OR STANDARD? GOD MADE MEN THE DOMINANT SEX AND WOMEN THE SUPERIOR SEX, AND SUPERIOR COMES FROM A WOMAN’S RELATIONSHIP EXPERTISE THAT ENABLES HER TO OVERCOME WHATEVER SHORTCOMINGS THAT MEN MAY HAVE, SUCH AS LOVING QUITE DIFFERENTLY.]

    So women truly love and men don’t, [NOT TRUE, MEN LOVE TWO WAYS, DEVOTION AND DEVOTION ATTACHED TO HIS SENSE OF DUTY AND RESPONSIBILITY FOR THOSE WHOM HE ACCEPTS RESPONSIBILITY. IOW, HIS LOVE IS MORE RELIABLE THAN HERS BECAUSE IT IS BASED ON A SHARING OF HIS ABILITY. WHEREAS HERS IS MERELY HEARTFELT EMOTIONS THAT HAVE LESS BURDEN OF RESPONSIBILITY BEHIND IT.]

    that’s why it’s so fragile when a man “loves” a woman because it’s not deep or even really love, [YOU HAVE IT BACKWARD, IF SHE HAS GIVEN HIM THE RIGHT INCENTIVES AND REWARD FOR TAKING HER ON AS HIS TOTAL RESPONSIBILITY. HER LOVE IS THE MOST FRAGILE, BECAUSE OF ITS SINGULARITY, UNTIL SHE MANAGES TO INCLUDE CHILDREN INTO HIS SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY AND REWARDS HIM FOR BOTH ADEQUATE HUSBANDING AND GOOD FATHERING.]

    it’s him loving how she makes him feel, etc. [NOPE, REVERSED AGAIN. THAT
    IS HER GAME. WHOEVER A WOMAN LOVES, SHE DOES IT FOREMOST BECAUSE IT MAKES HER FEEL GOOD ABOUT HERSELF.]

    I can’t wait to hear your thoughts.

    [MAY I SUGGEST A RE-READING OF YESTERDAY’S POST, 2552, ABOUT HOW MEN LOVE?]

    GUY

    • Beloved

      Wow, thank you for taking the time, Sir Guy, to explain this. I think what partly gets me riled up is a Youtube video I saw by Tony Gaskins that states that “your man is thinking about cheating on you.” This guy is a Christian, and says that his relationship with God is what keeps him faithful, I am thinking if you truly love someone you would automatically be faithful, that is sacrifice and that is what love is. You have stated that a man’s desire to conquer attractive women is strong(ish) his whole life. But how can a man even think of cheating on someone he supposedly loves? That is pure selfishness! And how can any woman ever feel any sense of confidence about the man she marries knowing this is always lurking in the back of his mind? I know I’m making you work hard today, but I (and I know other women reading this) really appreciate your input.

      Your Highness Beloved,

      I’m sorry, honey, but you won’t listen: love is never enough, especially womanly love that has no respect for men buried within it.

      Women keep expecting men to be the same as women and thereby act like them. Women may be the least likely to cheat, but they do it anyway. So, selfishness, love, and confidence have nothing to do with preventing it. Love is never enough, over commitment is to under connect, the male nature binds the man into chasing conquests, and modern women don’t know how to teach and commit a man to be faithful, much less live with him in such a way that he doesn’t violate his vows. Sorry, babe, but them’s the facts you face as do other women across society.

      Women blame men who refuse to accept it, and they cheat and even join the Manosphere to ridicule females. Now who’s to blame for that mess? Feminists, of course, but non-feminists have adopted and live by the same values, so the ones who can capture a husband find that her man even cheats.

      One thing prevents it for both parties. Pledges by a strong character dedicated to another person that motivates the first to respect the latter too much to even think of cheating on them. Women are in charge of accomplishing that. Just a few simple but not easy steps can do it.

      • She dates a lot, screens for strong masculine character, dumps rather keeps those with whom she detects red flags, and prefers solitude to just having a boyfriend unqualified for marriage.

      • She tests each Mr. Good Enough for his interest and ability to become devoted to her. (Described in the blog)

      • She makes him earn her favor, prove himself worthy of her well-dressed, attractive, and highly unique and virtuous position in life. (Also described in the blog)

      • With chastity she earns his unconditional lifetime respect. With feminine charm but suppressed interest in him, she encourages his pursuit with enthusiasm. With feminine relationship expertise, she makes herself over to become highly likeable to him and ensures that he is highly likeable to her.

      • She conducts dating and a chaste courtship guaranteed to give him enough time to become devoted to her, enable him to find her worthy of dedicating his responsibility to include her in his life. (If he won’t honor her desire for chastity, he disqualifies himself as good enough.)

      • She uses the courtship process to enable him to find his way in life such that he cannot do without her in it. They marry and it gets really tough for her.

      • He expects her fifty years down the road to be the same gal he married, but she has all kinds of plans for their marriage, of which he knows nothing and does not particularly want. Moreover, she will change and he does not want a different woman, and she will expect him to change and that flies in the face of his masculine and natural resistance—–also surprisingly unexpected and leaders don’t like surprises.

      He cheats because of her betrayal of his expectations. He measured her potential of promise for his life, married her, only to find that his promises were not what he got. She violates his marital expectations. She changes herself and their marriage into something he never would have entered. Revealed after the fact, it hurts, and her governance of the home either rules or he has to compete with her, and a man does not do that except for conquest, already past.

      He feels betrayed and sees compensation in cheating. And so he does, just as other men who have gone through the same offending obstacle course of serial betrayals. The most popular outcry of divorced men today that I hear is this, “I just got tired of all her s***!” With so many sexually active single women, I imagine all those guys cheated before they got too tired to stick around anymore.

      Guy

      • Beloved

        Thank you, this helps. But i still think “forsaking all others” and ‘keep yourself only unto her” should mean something. A vow is a vow. Only a child says, “but um she changed and now I don’t want to play with her anymore because my feelings are hurt that I didn’t get what I expected.” A real man, mans up, stands by his vows and does the right thing. Men also change and she gets tired of all his s***.” We can ALL try to justify bad behavior when we are hurt, tired, etc. I guess I am a REAL woman looking for a REAL man and maybe they only exist in fairy tales and westerns.

        • Beloved

          I guess what I wanted to say, in a nutshell, is that there is something called personal responsibility. And, it isn’t dependent on what another person does. That is a cop-out. If my husband cheats because I am fat, ugly, mean, etc. he still chose to break his vows and in the eyes of God is the one in the wrong. Yes, we can help another person want or not want something, but ultimately, it is NO ONE’S fault but their own if they choose to do wrong. I guess it’s ok to steal from your company because they didn’t give you a raise. It’s ok to run a red light because the green one should be longer. It’s ok to lie about your taxes because the government misspends our money anyway. And, it’s ok to cheat on your wife because she no longer pleases you.

          Your Highness Beloved,

          You are 100 percent correct about personal responsibility.

          We are all like those with whom we associate, and so personal responsibility is seeded with ideas and thoughts of those around us. Do enough of us stand completely on admirable principles anymore? Do we celebrate personal responsibility or celebrities, complainers, and rebels?

          Feminism made enemies of men and women for political purposes. Women blame men for their problems, it fulfills the self-fulfilling prophecy, and consequently men deserve even more blame. Thus, men continue to get more unfriendly, uncooperative, and un-respectful of women? I’ve watched the trend worsen for fifty years.

          More cheating is but another manifestation of blame and mutual disrespect of men and women. I wish I could do more to resolve things more favorably for both, but this blog is my best effort.

          Guy

          • A.GuyMaligned

            Your Highness Beloved,

            In my lengthy responses to you last week at 2553, I got too loose of tongue. Holding my coolness under questioning, my hand quivered a little too much and a dose or two of anger spilled over.

            I regret it, and hope you can overlook it. Ladies deserve no anger without having put that pot on the heated stove. You were only in the kitchen, and neither at stove or tending pot. As blog commander, I failed you, and ask forgiveness.

            Guy

        • My parents were married for 55 years before my father died. My mother lived seven more years. When she spoke about my father, she said often, “He was the love of my life.”

          My parents argued a lot about a lot when I was growing up. There was a night, according to my sister, whose bedroom shared a wall with theirs, when she heard my mother threaten to take me and my sisters and go back to her mother.

          Once, when I was thirteen, and Momma was complaining about Daddy, I asked her why she didn’t divorce him. She fixed me with a steely gaze and said, through somewhat gritted teeth, “Because I love him, that’s why.”

          My parents believed in honoring their marriage vows. That’s what kept them together when things weren’t going well. Simple as that.

          When they weren’t arguing, they were each other’s best friends. They respected each other. A few things I discovered in my father’s office after he died indicated my parents had a good sex life until shortly before he died at age 88.

          My mother was always attractive in appearance and ran a tight ship at home, even after she went back to work as a secretary when my sisters and I were all in school. My father who was a chemical engineer and had some long hours at work was always busy around home, often at my mother’s suggestion, fixing, building, gardening, all in order to make our house and yard more attractive.

          They shared an appreciation for good music, art, and literature. They believed in life-long learning and passed it to their children. They also passed on shared values, particularly the belief that people are people, that there is one human race, that every human being has dignity and worth because he/she is made in the image of God.

          They were not perfect by any means. Their arguments often overshadowed their positive attributes as a couple, and I spent years trying to figure out how I could find someone to marry who would not snipe at me the way my father sniped at my mother.

          But in their seventies and eighties, my parents had a really good relationship, one that they could not have gotten to if they had not honored their marriage vows with dogged determination.

    • Southernbelle

      Sir Guy
      What about a man who seems to have “lost” all sense of duty or responsibility? He once did seem to have strong sense of duty and pride in his responsibilities demonstrated in actions and choices but later chooses a care-free, irresponsible way of life. Seems very weak and fickle… Very unattractive unmanly.

      Your Highness Southern Belle,
      Seem like he lost his sense of significance, probably some woman “done him in,” ruined his self-confidence, stole his self-respect. Or, if in his fifties, he is in or passing through male menopause aka mid-life crisis.
      Guy

      • Meow Meow

        Along those lines, a divorced man I know (apparently he was unfaithful and the one who initiated divorce proceedings) seems to be very caught up in the importance/seriousness of his work but hasn’t been seen with any woman since his divorce 10 years ago. He is extremely handsome and its hard to believe he wouldn’t be with whoever he wanted to. But it seems all he wants to do is play extreme sports in his spare time. He is not getting any younger….i am thinking he is just having one-night stands OR has channelled most of his sexual energy into his sport activities. Can “The Right Girl” still make such a man sit up and take notice? Especially as he’s getting on toward 60.

        Your Highness Meow Meow,
        As you describe it, “The Right Boy” may be a better question. A wife’s mockery of husband’s sexual ability can drive him into the closet.
        Guy

        • Meow Meow

          Perhaps that is true!…I have noticed this man is very huggy/cool w/the openly gay guys at the office, although in conversation he always strives to emphasize how “He’s a Man”…he does seem to be a conflicted individual…I guess i didn’t think of that since he left his wife apparently for another woman (who ended up dumping him) and has not had a visible GF since. He does seem very interested in fashion and visits Mom often (if I were to be stereotypical.) Most gay men these days seem to feel safer about expressing their sexuality so it is unusual to consider one actually wanting to be in the closet…but again he is an older gentleman and may have grown up w/different social mores he does not wish to flaunt.

          I don’t join in the gossip about him at work or to anyone else, BTW. He is very good at his job and a high achiever, an asset to the company. I like him as a person (He is always upbeat/positive) but don’t wish to pry.

      • Southernbelle

        He was indeed in midlife so I suppose he succumbed to the “midlife crisis”. I understand in my mind but seems so weak to my feminine heart that cherishes a strong man.

  2. Naomi

    You’re brilliant Guy! I’m looking forward to reading your blogs on allowing your man to walk himself to the alter and how to become that kind of woman he marries! I really cannot thank you enough for the time and energy you put into maintaining your blog and answering our questions. It means the world to me.

  3. Ari

    My dearest Sir Guy,
    I am thoroughly enjoying this series. Thank you for your work in teaching us ladies about the nature of men. I especially appreciate your tackling the more difficult (for us women) issues like sexual behavior etc and being candid.
    I want to know more of how men think. Can’t wait for next one!
    Ari

  4. Meow Meow

    “Offered too early in his determined effort to get her in bed, means that he didn’t have to work hard. I love you is unearned, and she loses respect for loving him but refusing to bed him.”

    How can this be? So a lady doesn’t earn any respect for clearly loving him but showing restraint? What if he can see she loves him, but is not willing to say the words before he does (And refuses to bed him) I don’t understand this thinking, can you clarify Sir Guy?

    Your Highness Meow Meow,

    Pardon my writing that must be unclear. Not talking about her love but her openly disclosing the words in the midst of a man’s pursuit. They change the direction of his motivation.

    She earns his respect by refusing conquest. He hopes to bed her but it is unconfirmed that she appreciates or likes him ENOUGH. Then, she says, I love you, he thinks he has already won, and he eases back on his effort to make himself worthy. It doesn’t serve her nearly as much as his continued strong efforts to win her. It’s like his having bypassed climbing a tall cliff face on his way to the mountain top.

    Guy

    • Meow Meow

      Thank you Sir Guy! Amazing that hearing the words first/first sex mean the same thing to the man in question; it gives him a self-assurance he feels he hasn’t earned yet. “I could just snap my fingers if I wanted to…”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s