Eighth step: This article applies mostly after a couple reaches the point they talk about marriage. The previous one (2554) described the decision process a man uses to talk and walk himself into marriage.
I advise you ladies to stay out of your man’s decision-making path. Your lack of patience and over-eagerness to express your total boatload of feelings screws up his thinking. You can overdo the latter to the point of appearing desperate, very bad for you. You should focus on making yourselves more magnetically likeable to each other. It’s two of the foundation stones of a man’s love, and it makes use of your feminine traits, talents, and skills.
Also, go slow and patiently. Allow him time to figure out winning you his way. Date, have fun, visit others, enjoy each other’s company. Make the most of associating, convenience, comfort, pleasure, and adventure that thaws and melts two personalities together on the road to becoming one couple. But let him convince himself to marry.
If he pursues you instead of just sex, he has anxieties to overcome to win you. Let him do his own overcoming. Your relieving his anxieties or making it easier for him to win you makes you a less-earned gift, less-satisfying achievement, and thus a less-valued objective.
Two objectives for you: Delay conquest as long as possible and don’t tell him how he is winning your heart. Your discretion of slowness and being non-committal serve you best. Go along encouragingly but let him figure out his progress, because it is both easier to believe and more permanent. Meanwhile:
- Find out more about him that you appreciate and that support your loyalty and his likeability. He is learning to more deeply involve himself because of your attractive likeability. You may see your romantic love as mutual love, but it’s too early; he needs more time. Men are slow to love, but quick to commit with romantic love—provided they don’t have to use those three little words (sincerely and honestly, that is).
- Avoid when possible or shorten all passion pit stops. Smiles, pleasant nature, and friendly defense of your reasons for chastity should not reflect adversely on him as person, man, or potential mate. (A woman can even marry a man she doesn’t respect, but a man can’t even love a woman he does not respect.)
- Don’t criticize him, your feminine charm can do better. However, provide pleasant and unchallenging negative feedback and then quickly change the subject, each time that he violates your values, standards, and expectations. That is, red flags that are not severe enough to disqualify him for you. It’s how he learns who you really are down deep. It is also how you determine what values, standards, and expectations that you are willing to modify to accommodate him in your life.
- Provide little feedback except to admire his integrity, sense of responsibility and dependability, and character traits that please you. IOW don’t run off at the mouth how great your relationship is developing, how he is in tune with your way of life, or what you have to offer as a wife. You want him to learn all about you and you of him, but you want a slow exchange of info to gently get used to each other.
- Let big smiles of approbation and pleasant willingness go along with his desires; let them replace saying “I love you.” Your actions of support and dependence speak volumes for him to weigh and to measure how he is doing in the process of winning you. What he figures out is far more believable than what you tell him about yourself.
- Demonstrate firm personal strength by not smothering him with your love that you are so anxious to display. If he learns in courtship that he has to earn rather than be given your love, it will likely continue after marriage for as long as you remain the woman to whom he proposes.
- He is into decision-making once the thought of possible marriage comes alive. He has to overcome his expectations to match your deferring, delaying, refusing conquest. By doing so, he learns to honor your many other decisions about your life, which represents a major victory other than delaying conquest and actual marriage.
- However, honoring your decision about chastity tampers with his sense of significance, which is the product of who he is self-admirably and what he is and does self-satisfactorily. It’s about to change and he must plan for doing it satisfactorily in his life and for you as his soon-to-be wife. The thought of adjusting his life and his multiple roles to earn you is not an easy thing to accept, but if he does and you marry, his respect lasts for life even if something else separates you.
This posting describes how women can enable a man’s process of deciding to commit to marriage. Many considerations and some anxieties flood both heart and mind as he tries to decide how to proceed with someone he wants alongside for life. She dreams of it, but he considers the worthiness of it. Rather than impose interruptions caused by female anxieties to move ahead more promptly, she does better by following the guidelines above.