Eleventh step: I think this is the most important new development of the first ten steps. I can describe the three stages a man goes through in the process of developing manly true love. You can spot some of the indicators that it’s happening, but you won’t be able to view the process in action. Most happens in background as a man’s true love develops in three stages.
Devotion. He finds you attractive and appealing and he pursues with fervor. As he does so, his devotion to you develops and becomes evident in his actions to please himself by pleasing you and not upsetting you. Your job is to help him develop the habit of pleasing you with his actions and not just his words. Your dilemma is this, he hopes to conquer you for sex or capture you to be HIS.
Bonded Love. In parallel with your process of determining if he’s after you or just sex, he is gathering info to decide your full meaning to his life, aka does he love you enough or even at all? His devotion develops deeper interest in you. After awhile he compares you with others, judges you as highly likeable, and decides he can be loyal to you alone. You seem so valuable to his life, that he can give up the others. He also assesses you to determine his likeability to you, plus your ability to be loyal to him. Finding mutual likeability and loyalty to his satisfaction and flooded with heart-felt devotion that has been compounding, he can admit to himself that he loves you. It has little or no connection with whether he will say it or not. When it serves him, he will admit it, and women are wise not to push him on the subject.
- This is the hardest kind of love for women to grasp and difficult for me to describe. He injects himself into true love by willingly accepting the responsibility and sense of duty that comes with his perception of a man’s marital obligations. His duty rises on top to confirm his devotion and bonded love.
- Her wonderfulness expands his devotion and brings out his bonded love. But his true love emerges from his sense of duty to not fail at what he undertakes as responsibility, in this case success with marital obligations. His true love isn’t love as she knows it. Instead, it’s his pledge to be responsible and duty-bound to their marriage, plus expecting them to remain together as a tightly bonded couple. Marriage seals the deal for his drive to provide and protect and enable her to depend on him.
- His pledge to marry welds him to the decision and action world with responsibility to deliver results, upon which vows later add more responsibility. He expects her to handle the relationship side and harmonize their effort and morale, as if it is automatic and really nothing to do. It is a division of labor and his mindset for life.
- His true love has two allegiances, marriage first and her second. Much of his new responsibility arises out of events that transpire outside the relationship and home. She can be affected and even harmed. So, he is burdened to provide and protect her interests. Consequently, his duty to the whole of marriage is larger than to her and unavoidably must come first.
Divorcees learn that true love is easy to ruin. These cause it quickly. She considers herself more important than marriage, and thus she demotes the importance of his true love. Also, misunderstanding the role of responsibility and duty within the male nature, disbelief in a man’s dutiful endeavors, unwillingness to accept his marital leadership, or lack of faith in his determination to do what he determines is right. (Oh, what trust we can’t expect, once we offer little respect.)
When he invokes his true love, he effectively imposes the higher order of marriage above her and him below. Think of his true love as umbrella sheltering the couple beneath. His first obligation is to umbrella and second to those beneath. Devotion and bonded love hold them to each other and true love sweeps them beneath his marital cover. It makes marriage a twosome affair literally rather than just figuratively.
In the course of concluding this series, I have an overflow of info to pass on. As life usually shows us sooner or later, things are not really as close or distant as we like to think. More on the subject follows next at 2559.