2595. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 6

After he arrives home from fifth date, Hank wipes from his mirror, ‘Jenny, what does it take?’ Now he knows. If he wants her, he must earn her. Unsure just what that means, he determines to discover who she really is. The challenge inspires him. He figures direct inquiry and prying may not be best. Instead, he will feel her out by finding ways to please her. Unknown to both, he takes an early step toward developing his devotion.

Having wiped one sign, he promises himself the other sign will come down in no more than three weeks. He knows where he stands and now knows better what to say. He thinks, just you wait, baby, just you wait.

After saying good night by phone, their routine rituals intensify as nights pass and dreams magnify.  He imagines himself in bed and her entering it naked. He dreams of refining his competence and she joins him in pleasure.

Meanwhile, she too lies abed dreaming. She knows he would like her to first appear naked as if his sex slave, but she determines that he will see her as she wishes. After all, who’s driving this bus? She promises herself to approach the honeymoon bed in a gorgeously sheer, super feminine gown, smiling and smelling heavenly, and moving dramatically slow to demo with max effect that she has come to him. All the time visualizing bare-body togetherness wrapped in gentleness and intimacy she expects will follow.

Amid the fifth and sixth dates, their courtship emerges and they mutually understand unspoken promises. Two magnets turned face-to-face double their togetherness. The same happens with mutual attraction without mention of permanent or exclusive arrangement.

Actions confirm better; words can deceive. Men tend to avoid making the spoken promises that women seek to assuage fears of abandonment. Lack of verbal promises has two benefits. First, she can depend on his actions to reflect both truth and intensity of his feelings. Second, the absence of words to guide her causes very natural pressures for her to remain focused on his actions in the present, on his focus, on his life, and on the promises she sees therein. IOW, it helps keep her mind focused on him instead of her internal uncertainties.

Liking each other immensely, they yearn and arrange to spend even more time together. He doesn’t resist initiating new things to do, because she bows out and defers to his preference. He asks her less what she wants but tries to please her more with his imagination, affection, talent, skill, and competence.

He begins to widen their interests with more togetherness in new and unexpected ways. Crediting himself for great ideas, he fails to recognize that few are his. When he does become aware of what usually happens, his appreciation soars for her discernment. She is so smooth at it that he senses no challenge to his stature as leader of the team.

Never adding pressure, she hints, plants seeds, and otherwise lets him know what would please her; the purpose is to expand his devotion. Breakfast dates, comparing fast food favorites, chick flick movies, surprise picnics, celebrating special occasions, burgers and beer, visits with mutual and individual friends, fireside chats, centralizing competition in simple games, concert events, short trips using two bedrooms, reading favorite passages to each other, planning to travel someday, Sunday afternoon drives into the country, work outs together, swimming, avoiding TV except mutually favorite shows, reciprocating respect for the politics of each, dancing, Sunday church, library and museum visits. They stay busy together—within his limits of course—as she leads them toward more enjoyable times together. Laying around and doing nothing is undesired, except for picnics and other events planned for relaxation.

Many dates follow, their relationship blossoms, and she sees his devotion growing via the events just mentioned. He’s unaware that his actions to please her program his heart. He becomes so used to it that he enjoys it deeply, and soon it pleases him just to please her. He’s devoted to her and thoughts of exclusivity begin to surround her uniqueness. His interest in trusting her without doubt begins to develop.

He becomes bolder, dynamic in finding ways to relate well. She seems to go along for the ride, and he keeps expanding and embellishing the ride to please her. He is satisfied just to be with her, and she is happy in his presence. She learns to express a little of his dynamism by teasing him, but cautiously to see how far she can go.

He takes her for granted by seeking no special signs that she appreciates him, except for his persistent hinting that they should be having sex. She longs for an invitation to pledge their exclusiveness, but senses it’s the wrong thing for the moment. She figures that if dedicated exclusiveness with one another can be generated before they have sex, the more likely his faithfulness will carry over after they marry.

Her likeability eventually turns his interest into trusting her to be loyal to him exclusively. His trust and affection compound. His likeability turns her interest into trusting him to be loyal to her, and mutual bonding deepens. Without mentioning it, he presumes they have an exclusive association. Without admitting it, he senses that he loves her.

She starts to puzzle over his changed interest in sex. He acts horny, seeks more passionate moments. However, as previously, he steers himself away after she moves his hand or hints he is unwelcome to think that she weakens about lowering her standards. Still, something is different and she wonders.

Nevertheless he pushes more than before. He pumps her for details of her sexual history. Inquires about her marriage. Pries about boyfriends and other male friends. When she objects or refuses, he backs off. She figures he’s not satisfied, but he respects her sufficiently to stop prying. She respects him more than before, but she also knows he is not finished.

It’s puzzling. The more devoted he becomes, the more his resistance to harassing her about sex seems to fade. One would think the opposite; the more devoted, then the more gentle, understanding, and agreeable with her wishes. Not so, however.

The more devoted he becomes, the more he is due what he has deferred for so long. But it does not mean that his sexual aggressiveness emerges to plague her. He’s not above being slammed into an emotional upheaval too, and it begins ….


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, How she wins, sex differences, The mind

8 responses to “2595. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 6

  1. Kim

    Please elaborate on your last sentence!

    Your Highness Kim,
    It’s a transition sentence to convey what to expect next.

  2. Etu

    Sir Guy, slightly off this subject but would like your opinion on something I read about a recent Priscilla Presley interview. She said when she was married to Elvis she never let him see her without makeup and never let him see her getting dressed. She said Elvis taught her in a relationship to keep a mystery about you, never show anything. She also said something like, men want to see the final product of you getting dressed, not the process. Of course this article was followed up by a psychologist who said mystery is good but too much means low self esteem, etc, etc. I have also heard reported that our next First Lady has been very careful about keeping certain human habits out of earshot of her husband. I thought of this blog when I read all of the above.

    A guy I was seeing saw me without makeup once….he was bringing me breakfast and it was early in the morning. I felt sort of exposed. I would have prevented it if I could. I’m not implying you should plan to never let a guy see you without makeup. I just wonder how you would suggest balancing this? This guy sneaked up on me a few times now that I think of it. Then one time I was re-applying lipstick in the rearview mirror as we waited in the car after attending a wedding, and he stared at me, transfixed. He hadn’t had a girlfriend in a long time. I am halfway a makeup hound and had my makeup stolen once….I was telling him about it it once and he commented he had a lot to learn and was eager to learn.

    Your Highness Etu,

    I favor Elvis this time. Never thought I would agree with him. On stage one night in Memphis before he ever went national, he indirectly stole my date; she joined the other groupies congregating on the steps. I saluted and thanked him as I escaped a bum date before it got expensive.

    Mystery, vanity, and modesty have been purged from the value system of modern women. They don’t do well keeping their man, so I wonder: is there a connection?


  3. Alexa

    Sir Guy,
    “Never adding pressure, she hints, plants seeds, and otherwise lets him know what would please her; the purpose is to expand his devotion. short trips using two bedrooms” I feel uncomfortable traveling or doing short trips with a BF who is not my husband. Don’t you think he will try to test her or try to bed her in those short trips to see if she gives in and be conquered. Since you mention men think about sex first and trying to conquer. It probably my traditional old school way of thinking. One of my best friend who is happily married never traveled with her now husband, until she got married. She did all those activities you mention above church being the most important except traveling.

    Your Highness Alexa,

    If you won’t be or are not comfortable doing it, don’t. Protect yourself and your interest first, foremost, and last.

    Yes, guys will test and try to conquer even with two rooms. It’s a challenge in a different and perhaps more romantic setting.

    I love your old school way of thinking. It’s what makes the female gender superior.


    • Alexa

      Thank you Sir Guy 😊
      “It’s a challenge in a different and perhaps more romantic setting” yes, I agree sir Guy I can imagine it 😊, especially when he ask to come over to “talk” and their is champagne and roses and romantic stuff lol. It just worries me the younger generation thinking it a normal thing to do with their BF especially on social media like instagram Gf/BF sharing pictures of their trips to other countries together, taking pictures in the same hotel room and champagne and roses in their hotel room. Some of those relationship don’t last, some do marry but not many only a very small amount do.

  4. Milena

    No sex until marriage seems like a beautiful ideal, but I find myself feeling insecure and anxious on the thought of how to manage it. I have not yet been tested on this score, keeping to myself, not being on Tinder and all and not receiving much male attention of note. But I sense it ties together with becoming more grateful for myself and truly believing that I’m worth it to set such a high standard, even though no one around me does. Oh, and reading this blog frequently for some moral support. 🙂

    Your Highness Milena,

    “But I sense it ties together with becoming more grateful for myself and truly believing that I’m worth it to set such a high standard, even though no one around me does.”

    Right on! and you inherit the duty to prove that you are deserving. Someone may help guide you, but only you can do it. Your world will know it when you convince them by actions and words that you know it better than they. Men who approach will acknowledge it as foundation and find you challenging and appealing.

    Men want pushovers so they can push them aside after sex. Reliable men want challenges, so they can prove their competence and thus satisfy themselves. (Satisfaction is to men what happiness is to women.)

    A decent man wants to marry a virtuous woman. Virtues are simple and many, defined as any quality in a female that a man admires for himself. It takes many non-sexual hours associating with an attractive woman for any man’s perception of her to rise to virtuous. Perception is reality; whatever appears to be, is.

    Abstinence magnifies the challenge of a woman, holds a man’s attention more dynamically, and enables her to display more qualities to be admired as virtues.

    Abstinent ladies can more easily bring their qualities into view. Ladylike behavior rides on the bedrock of femininity, which has the unique quality of bewildering men with mystery. As one lady said, “Men need femininity. They call it ‘color in a black and white world’.”

    A lifetime together begins there.


    • Miss Gina

      Dear Lady Milena,

      You can do it.

      Maybe it will help to start practicing the art of quiet, indirect leadership in other areas, including with women and even children, if you have the opportunity. This comes in useful in all of life but especially in raising children. It becomes dull to everyone involved if we just say no all the time.

      Learn to practice saying “no” without saying the word. Even more subtly, learn to redirect from unpleasant situations or things you don’t want to do. These are all feminine ways of dealing with people. The highest level is when you can smooth over difficult situations and make people feel good just being around you, even if they were originally embarrassed or didn’t get their way.

      Some examples to practice in front of a mirror: “Let’s try this way.” “What if we did this instead?” “I don’t know about all of that…” “What do you think of this?” Practice redirecting to another subject–with experience, you can do it smoothly. You can even say nothing but physically turn another direction and bring up something else. If you get a little experience doing this, you will rarely have to say “no” outright or have a confrontation. “I’d rather not” is good for when you have to be more direct, while remaining gentle. Then just move on to the next subject as if nothing happened.

      The other part to this is to maintain control of emotions when dealing with men. If one seems special, don’t let him be too special. Tell yourself that *he* has to earn *you*, for a long time, and there are lots of other fish in the sea if he doesn’t measure up. Part of making this a reality has to do with making sure to have lots of great and absorbing things to do in our lives without a man. Also, having a lot of connections in our lives that we don’t let go of just because we are dating someone makes us stronger…He has to fit into your life, not the other way around.

      Finally, determine your limits ahead of time and stick to them. If you mistakenly get past them, don’t worry, but recover quickly and move on as if nothing happened.

      Males like to figure things out from the evidence; you get bonus points with them if you rarely state your feelings outright but find other ways of making them known over time. Any who don’t respect your subtle signals are not Mr. Good Enough material.

      I know this isn’t a direct answer to your inquiry, but these are some things I wish some older lady had shared with me when I was younger. I always thought everything had to be black and white, and I dreaded confrontation. Little did I know that people–especially men–like to be allowed to draw their own conclusions. Men also fear confrontation, being turned down, etc., so they will usually take subtle direction to avoid losing face.

      If you learn to understand this, before you know it, a man who really likes you is following your lead! The others are more likely than before to get lost, but that is to your advantage. Meanwhile, because men are used to attacking the world with directness, by your indirectness, you have created an aura of mystery (to men, who will observe and think, “She’s so sweet, but she manages to get her way and takes baloney from no one–how does she do that?”). That mystery makes you very attractive. I hope there’s a takeaway in all of this for you.

      Your Highness Miss Gina,
      Nice job, superb comment.

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