2600. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 10


Still driving home after his proposal to Jenny, Hank continues to marvel at the courtship process that changed his life for the better. He reviews his goals for his weekend retreat. Does he jump off the ledge into marriage? His conclusion was yes (as we saw in the last chapter).

His memory moves to phase two about the leadership of a married man, what it means as a responsibility. Enjoying his reverie, he laughingly recalls two sayings his country-boy uncle usually spouted to defend his own bachelorhood. All men are born equal, but some grow up and get married. You can lead a horse to drink, but you can’t make him water. Hank dreams of someday being a favorite uncle with a laugh ready to share.

He returns to the second phase, a plan for next step with Jenny. He loves her, she loves him, but that isn’t enough. He accepts a full array of responsibilities. How does he take over their lives as a couple, get Jenny’s buy in and promise that she will stand behind him, and hold it together for a lifetime? He does not intend to fail, so he has to be sure of her, and love is never enough.

Following notes made earlier, Hank thought through his concerns about responsibility and leadership. Settling into his rhythm for the retreat, he records the results as eight principles to guide him and hopefully her.

When the retreat ends, he will plant his foot of leadership by negotiating dispute prevention and problem resolution before they are needed. Jenny and he together will discuss and negotiate reasonableness into the following to be used as guidance to help solidify a good life together and enable him to find satisfaction for his effort.

  1. The purpose of life together is sharing; purpose of money is convenience; and purpose of extravagance is to please self at expense of someone else. He seeks agreement to no extravagance, neither in home, cars, nursery, Christmas presents, vacationing, nor child raising. They will have to negotiate a definition of extravagance for their home and life.
  2. Recognizing that financial success comes not from how much money a couple has, he intends to control what they do have. Consequently, he expects one or the other will maintain a budget to control finances, will merge their incomes, and allocate by prioritized needs and wants. He plans to propose this: first, a savings budget: second, pocket money budget for each; third, a home life budget for Jenny to manage; and finally a family budget—aka temporary savings—to cover the remainder with both to manage it. Zero is not allowed in any budget; all must have allocations, otherwise savings can be forgotten when new income arrives. Except for emergencies, big expenses are incurred only with approval of both. Hank has final say when they dispute, except as they negotiate something else. Jenny has full access to records and audit capability. The one most capable, willing, and successful handles the budget process.
  3. He will explain how he intends to lead by sharing responsibility, authority, and personal influence to generate respect and trust for all family members. The intent is to maximize benefits to home rule, relationships, and domestic harmony. (Details are at post 2540.)
  4. He seeks agreement on how they will jointly raise children but she will be the disciplinarian. The kids will have only one boss, mother. She will have one boss, herself as wife of husband. Father will be more helper to mother than boss to the children. She knows how to do it instinctively, but Hank will insist ahead of time that they coordinate their thoughts into one model aligned with that described more clearly at post 2540.
  5. He seeks agreement to settle all disputes before going to bed each night. Each is entitled to request that emotional wounds be mended with extra intimacy for her and extra satisfaction for him. The wounded requests, and the one requested must respond favorably—except that resentment on either side comes first and nullifies any and all requests. (Those who don’t resent are good spouses; those who resent after going to bed are less so, because they are not over the dispute and should not yet be in bed. IOW, successful dispute management comes from being a good person in the first place.)
  6. He likes this friendly dispute avoidance policy. When they can’t decide because of lack of interest or trying too hard to please one another (e.g., where to eat out, or what TV show or movie to watch?) she has to make the dangling decision on odd-numbered days and he on even-numbered days. No abrogation of responsibility is allowed; he or she cannot escape their obligation. To prevent disputes and discourage thoughts of revenge, on days not their own neither spouse can object or find fault with decisions of the other. Them’s the rules! Forced by the calendar to be a bystander every other day, they have no authority to even quibble much less find fault or criticize. Tomorrow is their day to be wrong or unpopular but protected from critique, criticism, and possible revenge.
  7. No parental disputes or even disagreements are allowed in front of the children or where they can hear. The first parent approached for conflict resolution or special consideration has responsibility and full authority to immediately rule on such issues and never to be questioned or reversed by the other parent. If thought to be wrong or their decision is unsatisfactory as seen by the other parent, both must take it up QUIETLY behind closed doors, resolve it for future occasions, and forgive and forget past events. Children are never to see anything but two parents in total agreement.
  8. When principle and personal taste are in conflict, principle prevails. Here’s a respectable and easily contestable example. TASTE: Wife wants to know sex of unborn child but husband does not. PRINCIPLE: Husband believes that adoration of expectant mother suffers after disclosure that a boy or girl is expected. She deserves to be the hero for full nine months, because the infant will receive all her glory after it is born. Early disclosure of fetal sex focuses thoughts on an untouchable infant that is beyond emotional connection to other than the mom. Knowledge of sex effectively gives fetus a personality for others to love, which preoccupies them about matters other than mother’s well-deserved glory. Color of clothing, decorating of nursery, future planning, re-allocating of funds, grandparents’s shopping, and excitement or jealousy among older siblings. It all takes the focus off the expectant mother. She deserves more, actually the ultimate in attention, respect, and adoration, because she will lose those blessings as soon as her delivery pain subsides. Prenatal glory for mom shifts to post-natal glory for infant, and mother love initiates that changeover. No justification exists to speed up the changeover except personal taste and that of doctors and nurses, who I suppose, enjoy it. Anyway, not knowing the sex is Nature and God’s way of rewarding the discomfort of pregnancy and pain of delivery. Mom alone should protect the pleasure of transferring her glory to her child. Seeing that glory shift at her pleasure-loaded discretion is a monumental event and compensates her for many mundane things that plague other parts of her life. Mutual adoration and mom’s glory should be the sole aim of expectant parents until the baby is born. Then others can be invited to share in the shift of glory from mom to infant. Father’s excitement returns because his adored mate is okay again.

And so, with his eight principles clearly described, Hank is ready to return to Jenny and begin negotiating about their life together.

However, third phase of his retreat awaits; he has to prepare his soliloquy. He hopes to match her champagne eloquence about virtual virginity with his own about marital responsibility. Her goal will shortly be achieved, she conquered him. His goal is just beginning to envelope his life with….

 

8 Comments

Filed under Her glory, Home CEO, marriage, The mind

8 responses to “2600. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 10

  1. Femme

    Sir Guy,
    I can only say that I didn’t know men who took marriage in such a (responsible) way even existed.
    Your sharing of the man’s thought process in this detailed way is priceless.
    Thank you.

    Your Highness Femme,
    Women don’t encourage it, they accept garbage as good promises, and they don’t know enough about the male nature. Check out chapter 11 when posted in a day or two. You’ll see how the male nature works when women use their God-given superiority to get them to produce it.
    Guy

  2. My Husband's Wife

    Dear Sir Guy,

    Wow—I can see from this article that the numbered points would be wonderful subjects for a lady to bring up as she gets closer to marriage with her future husband. “How would you handle XYZ as a husband?” would be great questions to ask. You could easily find out more about how he’s thinking of handling money after marriage and work out the details BEFORE each person is surprised after the fact. I remember while dating my husband, he had suggested separate bank accounts and I told him that I wanted a life where we could pool resources together in one account and work together instead. He agreed…but had that conversation not come up, things might be a bit different now.

    I also love the idea you posted about having a “home life budget” for the wife to manage. We don’t have this and let’s just say, getting things for the home hasn’t been easy therefore it lacks art on walls/decoration—that homey feeling—that us ladies bring. The upside is that we saved a load of cash forgoing most extraneous expenses so I really can’t complain!

    Still can’t get enough knowledge about all this WWNH subject matter! Mmmm, maybe I’d like to hear about Hank and Jenny after they’re married and how they deal with conflicts 😉

    Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,
    It’s worthy. I’ll think through your suggestion about post-marriage of Jenny and Hank.
    Guy

    • My Husband's Wife

      One more thought after rereading this article: What you wrote was so well thought out and organized it’s just brilliant. If families were structured as such, WOW! What a difference. From my perspective, what we’re missing today is good leadership and organization skills—across the board from both men and women. I see it in the work place and at home. Most people do not having any sort of game plan, just winging it and the outcome is chaotic!

      Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,

      Just winging it demonstrates the immaturity of poor upbringing. It’s a cultural phenomena nowadays, because children have no chores, no responsibilities, and too few adult-like challenges that encourage them to learn to enjoy work for boys and relationship-building for girls.

      Good leadership and organizational skill are not gifts. They are produced through experience from accepting responsibility, goal setting and achievement, and willingness to be held accountable for unsatisfactory performance. Without the chores in childhood to force challenges upon them early in life, unchallenged experience becomes worthless for making life turn out satisfactorily for men or happy for women.

      Guy

    • Wants to know

      Dear My Husband’s Wife, I hope to hear more too.

      Sir Guy, I love the every-other-day-delegation (number 6)! an amusing invention 🙂

      Your Highness Wants to know,

      There’s a story behind it. When Her Majesty Grace and I first married, we found we had undiscovered differences. We couldn’t agree on simple decisions. We had trouble agreeing on what to do. If I wanted burgers, she wanted Mexican. Chick flick for her, a western for me. We argued; each wanted their way. It lasted for many years; we just couldn’t make mutually agreeable decisions about simple things to do with taste. But we survived in spite of our differences.

      Then much later in life we realized that we still couldn’t make mutual decisions. She wanted to please me or didn’t much care, and I was the same. We still could not make hard decisions out of what should have been soft matters.

      So, I developed the off-even day procedure, and it solved our likenesses and differences for many decades.

      Guy

      • Wants to know

        Sir Guy,
        Thanks for sharing something personal. It is funny that you both changed from wanting your way to wanting to please the other 🙂 I suggested this strategy to my own SO. A game changer!

    • A.GuyMaligned

      Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,

      You say, “Mmmm, maybe I’d like to hear about Hank and Jenny after they’re married and how they deal with conflicts😉”

      Problem: I have no experience nor reliable info about present-day specific conflicts between individuals in the marital arena. Give me a few examples to turn over my starter and I will try. Incidentally, I’m already tackling this: Jenny is not a good lovee except…. She intends to educate Hank. Look for it soon, about chapter 13.

      Guy

      • Wants to know

        Dear,

        These examples you gave are, to my knowledge, very much present-day specific conflicts in the marital arena 🙂

        ” I am repeatedly late for dinner without calling ahead. After a few times, you ask me: Is your consideration of my time and responsibility producing any strains on our marriage? And then, if you please, move on to something else.
        You see me flirting and inquire. She’s a pretty woman and probably deserves a good man; does she fit into your interests for our marriage? And then, if you please, move on to something else.
        After I swill too much beer watching football, you ask: Honey, do you prefer beer over lovemaking? I know you can do both, but do you think lack of intimacy for me adds stress to our marriage? And then, if you please, move on to something else.
        After you refuse me sex three days in a row, I inquire: Are you sick, honey? Should you see a doctor? I can’t afford to lose you, you know. And then, if you please, move on to something else.”

        Your Highness Wants to know,
        Thanks for the input, darling. I love it when pretty girls do that.
        Guy

      • My Husband's Wife

        Actually, you hit the nail on the head in post 2601! What a special thanksgiving gift to us readers! Another aha moment for me as I’m fully able to grasp now what language to use as Hank gives Jenny suggestions on how they should speak about issues. I can see now where I’ve been too direct when an issue comes up and have gotten a poor result. Thankfully my husband is steadfast and keeps sticking by me despite my years of communication errors! One needs marriage for a lifetime to continue working to get it right!

        As for marriage problems of today, I just heard of one couple who divorced after 30 years for following reason according to the wife—which seems as an all-too-common problem: Husband and wife grew apart to the point where both were sitting at home on separate computers, hardly communicating at all. She got frustrated at husband’s lack of interest in her and spoke to him about it. According to her, he “ran the other way” and wouldn’t listen to her. So frustrated, she filed for divorce. From the women I know, I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve heard frustration about husband’s ADD. I know you’ve written this many times. I believe also that women let things go on until a mole hill turns into a mountain and they will “explode”. This makes them ineffective in getting what they want (wrong approach). And the husband doesn’t know what hit him.

        Also heard of another “exploding” wife who after having too much alcohol at a party, announced to her guests (with husband present) that she’s wanted a divorce for a long time. The next day, husband threw in the towel and said he was done.

        Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,

        Good info to invite comment. Points to consider:

        • Each of the women you mention allowed premarital conquest, and I’m willing to bet odds on it. They failed to earn their man’s respect as a woman.

        • Women drink like a man, but they don’t know how to think like a woman.

        • Women who ‘explode’ are out to hurt someone, which is counter intuitive to the female nature.

        • Experts say marital problems are caused by poor communications. So how come full disclosure fails young women to keep a man?

        • Not communication but lack of respect is the biggest marital problem. Since respect and trust are reciprocals, once distrust sets in, respect follows. Once respect weakens, trust weakens and the marital wheels begin to squeak and squeal.

        • As to affection delivery deficit in men (ADD), even in the 1990s it was the most popular complaint of wives. It still is and may be a bigger problem, which means that women have no interest, knowledge, or ability to overcome it. After all, if someone is not shown affection, it’s a darned good indicator they’re not well liked.

        • Where blame and guilt prevail against men, respect retreats, likeability dissolves, and affection disappears.

        • Put these thoughts together in one bundle. A man’s love is based on respect followed by a woman’s likeability. Who shows affection to anyone that is not respected or liked? It takes effort to be respected and liked. Yet, women PURPOSELY make themselves less respectable and unlikeable. Drinking, carousing, bar hopping, dressing like misfits, swilling food like hogs, living raunchy lives, and screaming for more respect and expecting to be likeable. IOW, they demand exactly the last thing they will get from men, and then they blame men for lack of affection.

        Guy

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