2604. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 13a: Hank Explained


Her Highness Femme says “there is NO WAY a man would make a speech like that to a woman (me).” I’m sure she rings many bells elsewhere.

The series is titled, Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Common sense says both parties and a dual responsibility. Common senses says that sharing, dividing, and fulfilling the dual responsibility is a competitive and possibly combative job. Common sense says negative motivation—criticism and blame—produces unwanted results and can prompt failure in any process. Works that way with kids doesn’t it? Husbands are just big kids in the view of their wives. Yet, many wives ignore common sense and produce their own misery.

Women want their husband to be more responsible, and so Hank assumes full and complete responsibility even ahead of his marriage to Jenny. He exemplifies his male nature; he is sufficiently motivated to upgrade a system in need, please his woman, and admire himself for having undertaken to produce such promising results. The greatest satisfaction comes from the toughest achievements, and Hank is hardwired to believe it.

Women sympathize, empathize, share their miseries, swap justifying thoughts, and support each other as they bad mouth men. Then, as a gender, they shape their complaints and blames into female-sharpened hatchets to be thrust into the masculine psyche. With Hank, I idealize five things to expect, if men did what women claim they want and expect.

  1. Our man Hank takes complete charge to produce a magnificent plan of what he thinks his woman will more than welcome. He has no hidden agenda and expects to negotiate details later. (He knows the marriage system doesn’t work well. Women rely on love, but it is never enough. He intends to prevent problems rather than have to overcome them and thereby relieve Jenny of so many wifely problems. His intentions are far more honorable than any woman should expect, but yet less acceptable. He lacks one thing: spur of the moment woman-think, and his lack converts the story to fantasy.)
  2. Our motivated hero demonstrates with actions his promise to be a good husband, to take charge and assume responsibility for mate, family, and home. (He is motivated to assume all risks and rely on his expectation that wife will provide full cooperation with his leadership. He dreams of their life together sixty years from now. He’s not a dawdler. He accomplishes, produces, and can be depended upon to make things work out satisfactorily.)
  3. Our potential husband already planned how he intends to prevent rather than have to heal or recover from interpersonal problems with wife and family. (The eight strategies described in post 2600.)
  4. Inspired not just by Jenny but his own need to please her, Hank knows what Jenny needs most. His plans are aimed directly to guarantee his promise to cherish her for life as her husband.
  5. Following his nature, Hank designs and plans to cure ailments in the ailing marital system, because he is sufficiently incentivized to make his life more sterling in his eyes and golden in Jenny’s.

There comes a time in the world of under performing marriages, wifely complaints, and assigning blame that men stand up to say, let’s do something else; e.g., upgrade marriage. It was Hank’s time, and he took it. Common sense says he could never get away with it. In fact, it would probably scare most women away. But not Jenny, she has her own lessons to teach, so the fantasy continues.

Admittedly, the story morphed to fantasy. It is pardonable. He knows the female nature and knows it well, but Hank lacks one thing. Woman-think, the common mental processes that will dominate Jenny’s development of events and relationships under his grand plan. It amounts to this in the real world. A man’s planning for their future too easily interferes with a woman’s relationship development and self-brightening of her own future at the present time.

Of course you won’t see or hear Hank’s speech from a man today. Hank morphed from real in chapter 1 to fantasy in 13.  Women don’t always need what they expect out of men and their man, and Hank represents it on steroids. It’s Jenny’s turn for fantasy, next.

10 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, Fickle female, Her glory, How she wins, marriage, sex differences, The mind

10 responses to “2604. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 13a: Hank Explained

  1. gonemaverick

    “Women don’t always need what they expect out of men and their man, and Hank represents it on steroids.” He does too!

  2. Miss Gina

    Dear Ladies,

    I think our Hank says a lot of things that men may never say in real life, but that’s because they do not realize or understand their own thoughts. To most men, often their thoughts just are what they are, and they have a hard time articulating them.

    Wise women will read Hank’s reasonings and speeches and use them as a springboard for interpreting the actions of individual men they know, understanding that each man may live out his male nature and life experience a little differently. As ladies, it behooves us to open our minds to learn the things that deeply motivate the male nature, which Sir Guy articulates for us in a way that the vast majority of man cannot. Some of these are beauty, femininity, high moral standards, opportunity to take responsibility, opportunity for leadership, opportunity to gain skills and provide well for dependents, easy companionship, and opportunity to help/serve people in need or weaker than them.

    Tangential thought…There is pride for any man in serving anyone regardless of gender or looks, but there is special satisfaction in serving a beautiful woman in need, as in the days of knights and chivalry–the old tales of chivalry like Robin Hood and King Arthur **not the Disney versions** are available to those who really look and are worth seeking out to understand men. Also look up the code of chivalry itself. With Christianity, over decades and centuries, it turned brutal warlords into gentlemen highly skilled in warfare who served the causes of genteel ladies.

    So, yes, we ladies benefit when we drop the idea that we don’t need anyone (a silly thought, actually–even if we live alone, don’t we call a plumber or electrician at times? And isn’t the person who shows up nearly always a man?) and admit our vulnerabilities. Men need to be needed, and they need to be respected when they are in good faith trying to rise to the occasion in the way that seems best to them. It is for a wise woman to come alongside and indirectly guide the man into the best ways to please her, once she has gotten him motivated.

    Your Highness Miss Gina,

    I love it when pretty women remind me how to merge historical concepts with modern examples. Nice job, darling. Thanks.

    To your top paragraph, I would add this. It’s a good reason men are not relationship experts in possession of the skills and incentives that women possess.

    Guy

    • Miss Gina

      😊 My favorite stories in elementary school were fairy tales, and my senior seminar as in English major was about the legends of King Arthur. ☺️

  3. Femme

    Miss Gina,
    very wise words!
    I have countless times been grateful to men who have unblocked my sink, installed a chandelier or fixed the washing machine, among other things.
    Trouble is, I’ve always had to pay for those things, as I haven’t been lucky enough to be with a man in a relationship who would do those things for me.
    Other things, I’ve had to do myself (like painting walls or put furniture up from scratch).
    So I don’t know if I wasn’t inspiring enough or those men I’ve been in a relationship with (not many, admittedly) just didn’t have that bone in them.
    But the IDEA is really lovely.
    I recently saw a course for women in basic plumbing, plastering and electricity.
    So I don’t know.
    If men need to be needed then why the need for such courses?
    Thank you for pointing out to me the difference between our Sir Guy and most men out there.
    Words have always been important to me…so I got a little frustrated with Hank, I guess.
    As Sir Guy hinted, if a man inundated me with a speech like his, I would probably run away for fear he probably is a unicorn in disguise.
    On the other hand, if a man very often doesn’t know or can’t articulate his thoughts, then what to do?
    Thank you for pointing me in the right direction: that is, a man’s actions.

    • Miss Gina

      Dear Lady Femme,

      Just keep plugging away…both we ladies and the gentlemen are having to re-learn our roles.

      Nothing wrong with a woman who knows how to plaster, but if men and women are just exactly alike, then one gender is redundant. Men need to lean on our relationship expertise…why not revel in what God made us to be? It’s then that a man gets inspired…maybe to even learn plastering?

      (I don’t know…One of my sons is masculine and hardworking but not extremely handy, though he tries his best…his abilities lie elsewhere primarily…I think it would be fine if his future wife did the plastering but would let him know that she really leaned on his strength and abilities, which of course she should do).

      • Miss Gina

        Another thought occurs to me…When women become extremely capable and don’t step back to let the men take the reins, the females run the risk of being taken advantage of. By their giving natures, women will give and give–and the more they have to give, the more they will give–not realizing they are taking the pleasure and pride of responsibility and accomplishment–which men *need*–from the men…Remember that women lead and men follow, so many men will step back and let the women give too much, thinking they are pleasing the women…or sometimes using that as an excuse…

  4. Femme

    Miss Gina,
    my hat goes off to you each time you post a comment 🙂
    I am in agreement with you on this 100%, especially about women being taken advantage of if they don’t let the man take the reins.
    I think very often we don’t even realise that we are doing ALL the giving in a relationship and the guy is just having a free ride and enjoying himself.
    I had a night out with a few friends the other day… One of them told us for the 1st time she had been the breadwinner in her marriage for the past 10 years, with her husband taking her money and investing in his various businesses which never brought any profit to speak of.
    She has been paying the bills, the rent, childcare costs, having a full time job, and at the same time taking care of 2 children – and very well, too.
    She even gave him money for a pricey (“executive”) car so he could use it for work – only to discover that he never intended to keep his promise to give her a certain amount of money from the work he is supposed to be doing with that car. He is having a nice lifestyle with a minimal effort on his part…
    She is now at the end of her rope, has asked him to move out and told him she was not paying for him anymore. Now he gets her flowers and says he loves her (1st time in the marriage) but she is at a point where she doesn’t care any more.
    Her story is my story too and I guess the story of many other women.
    I need to re learn so many things… And I hardly know where to start.
    Also, on another note; it occurred to me this morning during a (not so pleasant) interaction with my son that the famous “male ego” is kinda needed… Boys are born by females and until a certain age they are very close to their mothers but their nature is different so they need to separate…sometimes at all costs. Maybe they put up walls to be able to develop their masculinity? I’m still amazed sometimes how sensitive the male ego can be.

    Your Highness Femme,

    Please allow me to offer a correction for a better understanding of men and boys.

    Last sentence: “I’m still amazed sometimes how sensitive the male ego can be.”

    With your boys, you are dealing with their masculine nature. Hormonal driven because experience has not taught them nor has accomplishments made them significant yet.

    When you call it ego, it conveys negative connotations, which is ungood for raising boys. In fact, it is never good to use in the presence of males.

    The male ego—justified in the the eyes of a man—appears and may even be acceptable, when her calling it that is based on all his achievements, accomplishments, and ambitions in which he has success. IOW, it’s a term justified by his record, his sense of significance in his world. She thus makes it a complimentary term.

    Otherwise, mentioning male ego to a man turns him away from her. She’s saying that he isn’t good enough for her, when he knows he’s good enough for any woman.

    To the male eye, his ego is as big as his conviction of his sense of significance, which is the totality of his achievements, accomplishments, and potential based on his ambitions and personal aptitude.

    Guy

  5. Femme

    Sir Guy,
    I meant to say that I just discovered that the male ego is needed! Didn’t mean to criticise.
    I certainly didn’t mention the word to my son, in fact I didn’t make any comment.
    He had brought a book to the breakfast table that he had bought the day before – on a subject that fascinates him – and put it in front of me wanting me to have a look. Then proceeded to tell me all about it, interrupting his sister talking.
    I smiled and said I would be happy to have a look after we’ve had breakfast.
    Then his sister said he’d interrupted her…
    From then on, it all broke loose.
    He had a go at his sister, then at me, then quickly gobbled up his food and marched out, taking the book with him.
    He left us speechless.
    Then came back about 20 mins later, as if nothing had happened.
    I racked my brain to see what could have caused his reaction and I THINK it was the fact that I expressed a somewhat negative opinion about computer hacking (which he is learning about, the only reason being – as he claims –
    that if he wants to be an IT wizard, he needs to know it all).
    I think he took it personally while I never meant it that way (if we don’t count my refusal to have MY computer hacked :).
    It truly left me puzzled, hence my remark about the sensitive male ego.

    Your Highness Femme,

    I’ll shine a light on his male nature and you can take it from here.

    • A new ambition to make him an IT expert is the most important thing to him right now. He’s learning the scope to which he must develop. He automatically becomes supremely eager to not only get there but impress you. His patience is a discourager and must be ignored. Moreover, female small talk is easily ignored as is courteous behavior.

    • Sister is talking but females are experts in small talk. A man’s ambitions are much more important. So, mom, listen to me and see how important I have made myself with this new book and dedicated enterprise which holds such a bright future for me.

    • When a man runs into obstructions to fulfilling his immediate ambition (to impress you), he finds a way around it. In this case he flees and adjusts his thinking that he can do without impressing you. He thought you would be pleased, picked the wrong moment to bring it up (breakfast), and retreated to rethink and adjust his immediate ambition without admitting a mistake. He returned to breakfast as if nothing happened.

    • It’s normal. He recognized his impetuosity as probable mistake and deleted his ambition to inform you of his good fortune of book meeting his needs. If it comes up later, he will be much less eager to explain it to you. That is, his mistake helped him figure out that he does not need your endorsement or praise.

    Don’t you feel bad. You did the right thing by sticking by your standards for behavior at the table. He learned by his mistake, but it may not yet include being courteous to his sister. Someday soon and alone with him, just ask this question:

    Honey, can you define what the term ‘courteous’ means? Just wondered how to use it myself, no problem.

    Guy

    • Femme

      Sir Guy,
      men are never more handsome when they are the cause of a lightbulb moment for me…
      He is all consumed by his ambitions and goals at the moment and on the one hand, I feel relieved that he has them and wants to achieve something in life, so to speak.
      On the other, it worries me to no end that at the same time he shows very little regard for anything/anybody else.
      His sister is much younger than him and he finds nearly ALL her comments or stories boring or stupid and he tells her in no uncertain terms what he thinks of her.
      Frankly, our meals together have become a battlefield with me constantly trying to restore order and have a civilised meal for a change.
      I hope it’s not out of place of me to ask this: women diffuse male dominance when they refuse conquest before achieving what they hope for/want.
      But how do I stop my sons domineering nature from completely overpowering his little sister?
      Her only defense at the moment is to scream her head off whenever he even enters the room (if I’m not present), in anticipation of some sort of an insult.
      Last but not least, he seems to take particular pleasure in teasing her/annoying her and letting her know her interests and ambitions are stupid and laughable.
      Is it a teenage thing or is there something else at play here?
      How do I teach my daughter to better deal with her brother’s put downs and stand up for herself?

      Your Highness Femme,

      Your son lacks respect for you and his sister. The source of his determination to not respect you is his lack self-respect, which causes males to improve how they like themselves by making weaker people bow to their domineering manner.

      As I recall, his father is no longer with you. Lack of self-respect, lack of respect of females, and domineering attitude toward more helpless people is common with men from his religion, and that may be the source. If so, you have little you can do, as you make it sound like he’s already past puberty.

      As to your daughter, however, teach her more self-respect, self-love, ability to ignore indignities, and nurse her hurts by making the son act more respectful or depart the company of you and daughter. Say little or nothing to son, and make him have to figure out why you and she don’t want him in your company.

      Also, study up on the subject of ‘tough love’, begin using it, and hope that he’s not too old. Also, if you can, it might help to keep him away from exposure to his father’s religion. But don’t be surprised if it’s too late.

      Guy

      • Femme

        Sir Guy,
        you’ve given me much food for thought.
        My son is 14.
        Will read up on tough love.
        Thank you.

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