This blog is built on the premise that men and women are motivated differently because they are born different. How they are born different is of little consequence to us the readers, until two sexes are motivated to live their individual lives as a couple. As the result of being motivated differently, couples find enough compatibility to enable them to live together in spite of very different objectives and results. Enough compatibility works to hold them together, but love is never enough.
Their compatibility differs too. First, both sexes are subconsciously motivated by their primal urges—needs, wants, drives, fears, time focus. After that, conscious motivations energize them. Her conscious motivations within their coupled-up togetherness are based on her primary motivation to love a man and their children, plus the secondary motivation to find happiness by sharing female love. Under constant pressures that energize her to earn a return on investment of her love, she makes herself important to others.
A man’s primary conscious motivation is to satisfy himself; his secondary motivation is to satisfy himself that he satisfies his woman. Being born to love three things in this order: sex, work, and a woman, a man can love one woman if he can satisfy himself that he satisfies her better than others can or do.
Note this well. She doesn’t burden herself to help satisfy him; she expects her love to do that. It’s woman-think, and it works in reverse with men; they expect that satisfying themselves on her behalf shows their love of a woman. He does not burden himself, however, to show her the love and affection she expects. Except as the women in a man’s life teach him to do better.
So, how do they ever find enough compatibility to stay together? The following factors play major roles out of which men and women hunt and peck their way to success.
- He is a producer, she is a processor. Life, living together, and loving another are all processes at which women excel. Men contribute with what they produce and at which they excel more easily than women, be it money, accomplishments, products for home use, or solutions for her or their problems. He provides the inputs, which she integrates into successful processes: home life, mutual labor, eating and sleeping, sex, moving, living, child-raising, separation, illness recovery, et al.
- She needs him much more than he needs her, so he has less fear of losing her than the reverse. Actually, her greatest fear is abandonment and his is insignificance. Consequently, compatibility that reinforces his significance reduces her fear of abandonment.
- His satisfaction with himself is analogous of her momentary ‘happy’ that arrives often or even daily by her sharing her love. Moreover, his satisfactions come much more easily early in life when he has the greatest energy and ambitions to produce and satisfy himself. His accomplishments tend to fade late in life as his physical energy and sexual ambitions fade.
- Compatibility has a natural way of remaining balanced over the years. Not only does her potential for happiness strengthen later in life, her libido increases and goes off the chart compared with her libido in earlier years. He, of course, is the opposite. More libidinous in his early years, and she’s the opposite.
- She is happy today by making herself important to someone, perhaps loving them, which she exemplifies by being grateful for others. Her gratitude reflects back to her and confirms her self-importance. It compiles to produce her happiness late in life. (Thus, her ‘happy’ today is not her eventual happiness, but something that is temporary until she explodes with newfound gratitude to share with grandchildren. It is not the children so much as her ambitions to share her gratitude in new arenas. In the end, husband has been the vehicle by which she finally attains the happiness she expects out of life.)
- Her love of husband motivates her more than it stirs his motivational forces. He enjoys her love, but he doesn’t need it. She, however, needs to love him with significant enterprise to keep herself confirmed as important to him.
- Her love of husband does not motivate him. However, love of young sons motivates them to see their world through female eyes and thus become good husbands with an unnatural-for-men but favorable outlook on their wives.
- Men are not by nature affectionate; once grown up they need virtually none except as it may signal a woman’s sincerity. She needs his affection as confirmation of her importance at least to him and perhaps as signal about others.
- She needs to feel important in order to be grateful for herself. If not grateful for herself, she lacks the ability to be grateful for others, and thus misses significant happiness late in life. Her happiness is rooted in her gratefulness shown to others. It reflects back as her importance to them, which accumulates over the decades as her ultimate happiness in fulfilling her girlhood hopes and dreams. Then, in her later years, she hopefully has grandchildren with whom she can start over expressing her gratitude, and who have an immense capability of confirming grandma’s importance.
- Both sexes are born to get their way with the other. One has to give most of the time or compatibility is stretched beyond its ability to hold. That’s where direct leadership by men and indirect leadership by women meet to satisfy their differences about who gets their way at particular instances and subjects.
Those are factors that impact every relationship, some for the better and some not so good because men and women don’t follow their natures which are both designed and shaped at birth to make couples compatible.
I’m against rules. I figure women do best when they take what they know, follow their heart and such new info as is available to them, and tailor it all to fit their own circumstances. However, I think I have found a few techniques that I call rules simply because they are universally appropriate to enable men to satisfy their nature, likings, loyalties, and ambitions as husbands loyal to one woman.
Rule 1 is next.