2614. Why Love is Never Enough — Rule 4: Remain the Woman He Married

REMINDER: This blog specializes in describing how men and women are born differently. In living real life, both sexes learn to motivate themselves in ways that differ from how they are born. Example: Women learn that respect means more than affection to a man. Men learn to show affection to females of importance to them.


Women think of the future and how they can change and shape it. Men think of the present and how they can shape it to remain that way. Carry that into marriage, and you can see how important wife’s appearance and appeal are to husbands.

Hunters tend to chase what they see, they rely on their eyes. Prey tend to rely on their ears. The smart husband whispers his affection into wife’s ears; it holds her devotion. Neither her whispers nor affection please the hunter’s eyes. So, what’s a wife to do? The smart wife keeps husband hunting her in the home instead of encouraging his eyes to wander outside. So, how does she do that?

Husbands tend to expect their wife to be the same today, tomorrow, and forever. Wives expect their husband to be kind, courteous, loyal, thrifty, brave, reverent, and loving. To “be the same” includes appearance and appeal to husbands, but not to wives.

A prime mover in your man’s decision to marry you is the attractive person he views each time he sees you, even in his mind’s eye if you’re absent. When his mind is on you, he doesn’t tire of appreciating your appeal, and he marries expecting you to always be that way. Not that he adds it to you as a burden, he doesn’t usually think that far in the future. He deals with the future this way: I can do whatever it takes to handle it. Many men, however, discover that they can’t handle your appearance as you lose feminine appeal by favoring fashion, social justice, sexual freedom, comfort, convenience, and perhaps even disregard for his feelings.

He changes with aging, and adjusts his thinking to expect you to do the same, but other changes can disappoint him. The average man doesn’t see excess weight gain, sloppy attire, or careless grooming as natural aging. Beautifying yourself at every age makes him look good and earns respect of his competitors, and they will be playing a major part in his life long after he marries you.

Because husband’s appearance changes from weight gain and sloppy appearance, it does not justify you doing the same. You may think so, but it’s hurtful to your relationship. His appearance is less important to you than yours to him. At least it starts that way in your respective natures as you are born to be different.

Your attractive appearance is an inborn motivator of his pursuit, an offshoot of his instinctive urge to spread his seed. Remaining critical to his lifelong thinking, your appeal lasts for life. Or, he looks elsewhere for that which appeals to him in the present. It’s more his nature than you, except as your current appearance and consequent appeal disappoint him.

Women don’t marry for a man’s attractiveness; she has far too many other things to screen for and consider. She lacks the instinctive urge to spread herself among many men and so she’s selective, even picky about other matters such as love, and masculine attractiveness is more accidental than requirement.

She expects to change him anyway, so his appearance is not nearly as critical as other matters certain to hold her attention.

If husband wants someone who looks different from how she appears and appeals at marriage, he marries someone else. When she looks unappealing a few years after the altar, other women look better relative to her now ‘different look’.

Many men love their wives very much. Over wonderful times together, they learn to adjust and accommodate wifely appearance and declining appeal. With separations and divorces so common, however, nobody wants to blame the wife’s appearance and appeal as a contributor.

To this old goat, it’s another reason women are so quick to blame men for whatever happens between them. They can dodge the issue of how the wife’s appearance deteriorated and her appeal dissolved in husband’s eyes. The political principle of sexual freedom promises her the right to be independent of masculine thought about how she should conduct herself. IOW, it’s a matter kept outside the marital arena according to women, but a matter of significance to husbands.

I have hurt the feelings of a lot of readers who don’t look like the woman their husbands married. I regret it, but it needs to be said on behalf of better understanding the masculine nature and women learning how to sustain the lifelong marriages about which they dream as girls.


Filed under Culture & Politics, Dear daughter, feminine, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

13 responses to “2614. Why Love is Never Enough — Rule 4: Remain the Woman He Married

  1. gonemaverick

    Touchy subject for many but oh so true.

  2. SeekandFind

    Thank you Sir Guy for this insight! It’s fascinating to read this as a single woman. I don’t know if other single women are thinking along the same lines but a thought came to mind: is it possible to say that a particular gender is more prone to looking different after years of marriage? Slow metabolism? Aging itself?

    Or is pregnancy one of the big contributor to this? Lastly, is it fair for the woman to keep her physical appeal and not so much for the man?

    I think it should be mutual and possibly talked about before marriage. Keeping each other accountable of health, physical looks, finances and all things under the umbrella of marriage.

    Your Highness SeekandFind,

    You ask, “is it possible to say that a particular gender is more prone to looking different after years of marriage? Slow metabolism? Aging itself?” It’s possible I guess, but what does it serve? Alibi to excuse not taking better care of oneself for the purpose of satisfying one’s mate?

    As to pregnancy and the results? Of course it makes a difference in the sexes. I recall a mother in her late twenties and mother of two who was perfectly flat from hipbone to hipbone. She earned her husband much envy and admiration among the wardroom officers, and she attracted much attention of officers’ wives. She paid a high price I’m sure with my now being 40 or so pounds overweight. But she was a startling beauty with less than perfect features.

    You also ask, “is it fair for the woman to keep her physical appeal and not so much for the man?” Those words are out of the feminist handbook. Is it fair? Of course not. Nothing is ever fair when measured by equality, which is the subliminal question. Feminists use it to turn men and women into enemies.

    There is no such thing as equality. As soon as you think you have it, one side finds an exception that leads to the other side doing the same. Reaching for equality is never ending, it just pacifies for a moment or two.


    • Miss Gina

      I think the best thing a woman can do to help her husband keep up his looks is to praise him for what he does right in that department (and every other) while looking so good she attracts admiration from others. She can also praise older people in general who maintain their appearance in his presence to let her preference be known.

      A smart man will realize it’s in his best interest to keep her eye (especially as it’s easy for a man to project his feelings about looks onto others).

      No matter how much we may wish it to be so, we can never force another person to do what we wish they would, even if it fits our definition of “fair” or “right” or “good.” In fact, a controlling personality or one that makes excuses for neglect is the opposite of attractive to all sexes, especially men.

      Looking great carries its own rewards–including providing a great deal of favor with both men and women–for those willing to put out the effort.

      Your Highness Miss Gina,

      You sure read and respond to women much better than I. This blog is much more effective when you’re around to help. Thanks.

      Methinks your hubby married over his head. The lucky stiff or very good man.


  3. Miss Gina

    Only a few people care so much as to risk hurting the feelings of friends for the sake of information they need to hear. 😊

  4. msarianne

    My Dearest Sir Guy,
    This is one of those MUST READ articles!
    Every word of this is true. I think we women need to remember just how visual men are and use that to our advantage (wink). Who doesn’t want to be adored and cherished? I know I do! 🙂

    I once heard a man say “Don’t women realize how much men will do things for them when they look so attractive?” and boy did I take notice of what he said. HE spoke from his heart just as you are doing with this advice.

    Thank you for being so direct. We NEED it. 🙂

  5. Wants to know

    Love being described as my husband’s prey (smile)

    A stylish man is great, but if he uses more time in front of the mirror than me, I’m outta here.

    Your Highness Wants to know,
    Good call, smart gal.

  6. Stacey

    I had an ex bf who will talk about us getting married someday and would say “I want to marry you”, “I want children’s with you”, but during our conversation he will make me feel so bad about myself. He would mention other girls…compare me to them and tell me “You’re not very pretty” “you’re meh”. He would just blurt it out randomly during our conversations. His words were so hurtful…I cried when I got home or when our phone calls ended. I started to think of the future if I was to marry this man and my looks starts fading with age …What kind of mean things he will say to me.
    I couldn’t deal with that I had to run away from him. I’m not even fat I eat healthy I weight 107lbs I’m 26yrs old…I go to the gym , take yoga class which has helped keep my body tone ,and has helped control my mind/emotions. I dressed my best whenever he saw me. I thought maybe he being 8 yrs older than me…he will more mature. I was wrong I never once disrespected him. But I had to leave I couldn’t deal with him insulting me, his Indecisiveness and not treating me well definitely not a Mr Good enough. Sir Guy so I guess maybe in his eyes I wasn’t attractive to him??? So why pursue me??

    Your Highness Stacey,

    Welcome aboard. I love it when pretty women join us on this cruise on WhatWomenNeverHear.

    It’s not you, honey. You saw the red flags and did what you should have done. Good.

    He pursued you to conquer another gal.

    If you weren’t attractive to him, he would not have spent time with you. I suspect but am no authority, he sounds binary so you’re much better without him.


  7. Meow Meow

    One thing that is hard for me to understand is that ever since getting married I had wanted to “be the best” for my husband…finally a few years ago I started wearing makeup, dressing better, lost some weight, tried to be more mindful of my appearance. I learned to dance, went to the gym, started dressing more femininely. However, as i approach menopause I have noticed that I am more serious—because there are financial issues we need to “get serious” about and we are not on ‘easy street’ any more and haven’t been for some time. I am a lot more worried about life and easily stressed out—I have less support to give–and it seems this attitude actually might be the thing that bothers him MORE than my appearance, which I’ve worked hard to upgrade!

    Sometimes i get the feeling my husband doesn’t like what I thought were good changes, seems resentful, maybe even thinks I’m just being shallow. In other words I tried to be better than the woman he married, but it seems to have backfired. But i don’t want to go back to being sloppy and lose the femininity and sophistication I’ve worked hard to cultivate. What to do?

    Your Highness Meow Meow,

    You ask, “What to do?” I know little about how you’ve tried to avoid what appears to be a depressed state. Work harder on several smaller things. Take more actions, even small ones to keep your mind satisfied, to avoid depression and the inaction that follows it.

    Take this part up with husband, “I’ve worked hard to upgrade! Sometimes I get the feeling my husband doesn’t like what I thought were good changes, seems resentful, maybe even thinks I’m just being shallow.” Ask him to explain how he could think such a thing, but don’t word it such that he feels he’s to blame.

    Get more serious about “financial issues we need to ‘get serious’ about…” Financial stresses are particularly tough on men. Especially if guilt sets in, because they are so reluctant to admit it. If he gets self-embittered, in self-explanation he may take it out without your being aware of it.

    Stick to your guns about this. “In other words I tried to be better than the woman he married, but it seems to have backfired. But I don’t want to go back to being sloppy and lose the femininity and sophistication I’ve worked hard to cultivate.”

    Take it up with husband as your being dispirited. Ask for his assistance to help you over the hump you’re facing and still trying to support him and also lift his spirits.

    I don’t know how well you all do it, but take up your positions without blaming him. Do it in a soft, gentle, courteous way. Don’t challenge him, just chat.

    Try to squeeze discussion out of what is probably his reluctance because of guilt about financials. Nevertheless, try to talk it out amicably.


  8. Meow Meow

    Thank you Sir Guy. My husband does comment on how good I look or pretty I am, so I will keep up the maintenance. i am guessing that at least in the middle of our struggles having a wife that is trying to stay attractive to him shows a vote of confidence in him and even if most of the time he’s grumpy I hope to be one less thing to worry about and even maintain a sense of pride for the family. I know many families many from overseas where the mothers/grandmothers do what they can to maintain their appearance as a point of family/husbandly pride. Without spending money neccesariy on plastic surgery or expensive jewelry but just making sure to dress, maintain good hygiene and comport themselves well. i look to them for inspiration.

    We did have a small chat yesterday about hopes and setting small goals for the New Year (Long chats seem to be agitating to men!) and after it he seemed to feel a lot better and I felt that sense of connection again. Perhaps the combination of me looking good and trying to keep my worries and thoughts to myself was coming off as shallow or distant. I thought a man would appreciate a lady being stoic in the face of our financial struggles but maybe he needed more from me for moral support. My man does like to talk more than I do, so discussion seemed to be the key.

    Interesting to see though that “remaining the woman he married” can be more about attitude than just looks! Which I think explains the couples who are still happily together/in love even when the wife has suffered severe disfigurement, weight gain, or illness. I know a few.

    Your Highness Meow Meow,
    I’m glad things are working better.

    • Miss Gina

      Dear Lady MeowMeow,

      Sir Guy has taught me that a man considers a smile on his wife’s face to be all he needs to feel at rest that he is ok from her perspective and life is ok on the home front. That frees him up to make improvements out of his own initiative (or at least he thinks so…she may be planting seeds). Looks like you are headed in the right direction. 🙂

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