2618. When Shack-up Ain’t Enough — II


I dodged the question if the shack-up lady should move out after she declared her intent to go celibate with her shack-up partner. I wanted to hear from you ladies first. You didn’t surprise me. Either directly or indirectly you favored her moving out.

I agree and add this, move out ASAP. No benefits accrue to her by remaining in his burrow. Her decision and departure force him to decide how badly he needs her or not. After all, her declaration to be celibate is prompted to make him decide these matters: Can he live without her? Is she more important to him than frequent and convenient sex? Can and will he give up his independence to marry her? He wouldn’t before, so how about now?

She made her decision, so let her act as if she knows what she’s doing and the risk she bears. Women have far more courage than men think, and so she needs to establish her sex-free beachhead that he must cross should he decide to re-establish his role in her new way of life.

If she doesn’t move out, she’s exposes herself continually to his arguments that may even trigger his desperation or overcome her determination. It exposes her to defending herself against his charges that she is wrong, inept, selfish, spiteful, and other arguments he can use and compound to convince her she should reconsider. How can she recover when her man alternately puts her down and then confesses and begs her to stay? By giving in to his demands? It’s called defeat.

‘Nuking the relationship’ will separate his thinking into two clearly defined options. ‘I need her bad enough that marriage is the price I will pay, or I don’t.’

He will probably try to stay in contact to keep her as booty or restore their shack up. It will take awhile for him to evaluate his options and decide which is best for him. Recovery from such a surprise takes time.

If he proposes, it will likely ‘un-nuke’ what transpired before, unless she restores his access to sex without marriage. If he doesn’t have to earn a new conquest from their new Day One, she will not earn sufficient respect that their start-over will succeed. Yes, it works just like original conquest. The more he has to earn her and the longer she holds out, the more respect she earns for their future together, if she is worth it to him.

If he proposes, two conquerors face off again. It’s like their first encounter so many years ago. He seek sex before marriage, and she seeks marriage before sex. It’s back again to healthy relationship development, except this time she’s in better charge, more easily committed to her position, more easily earns respect, and she’s less vulnerable than the first time.

He now knows she means business. He’s in or out, and it’s totally his choice.

12 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, Her glory, How she wins, marriage, sex differences, virginity

12 responses to “2618. When Shack-up Ain’t Enough — II

  1. gonemaverick

    “He now knows she means business. He’s in or out, and it’s totally his choice.” I like that.

  2. Rosie

    Sir Guy,
    Im in a similar situation. What about if you reconcile and start the relationship like new again, but his behavior is just like before judging me not in a good way, trying to put down and even insulted me. He is the blunt type of guy he doesn’t think before he speaks. His words have hurt my feelings before and he is still doing again. I’m feeling anxious again, doubtful, I feel the respect is no longer there and I shaked up which I regret, but we don’t live together. He tried to convince me to move with him many times, but I never agreed with him.

    He does talk about marriage, but the respect isn’t there and him judging me all time isn’t helping because like you mention I have to defend myself… so I don’t even see the marriage succeeding in the future. I think it’s time to walk away even if I have to start all over again and find a Mr good enough. I don’t want to be defeated and give into him…he doesn’t deserve it. If i walk away for good I know he will try to contact me, but I don’t want to fix anything anymore ( I feel it’s too broken to be fixed) if he later changes his mind and decides to marry me or whatever his plans are. How many chances does a guy need…I think once should be enough, but I gave him two and three is not in my plans. When we reconciled I made it very clear to him that I’m giving him one more chance, but If it’s not working out that’s it no more chances it’s done. Sir Guy, I would like to hear your thoughts? Should I just leave without explaining or complaining and let him figure it out?

    Your Highness Rosie,

    Welcome aboard. I love it when pretty women join us on this cruise on WhatWomenNeverHear.

    When respect is absent, even luck does not help. You’re an immensely wise woman, because of your experience with less than a good man.

    Yes, walk away. No excuses, don’t complain and don’t explain. You’ve done much more than your fair share.

    If you expect him to learn anything, it will only happen when he figures it out without any more input from you.

    Guy

    • Rosie

      Thank you Sir Guy, I’m listening to my instincts my gut feeling was telling just move on…don’t explaining and don’t complaining and I will do just that. I finally realized respect is vital during the beginning of the courtship and on. Without it I really can’t see a relationship succeeding smoothly. I kept nodding my head with agreement as I read your articles. Everything makes sense now and I finally understood. To tell you the truth this my first relationship ever in my life i started a bit late age 23 I’m 25 turning 26 soon. I thought I was able to handle it well I was hopefully, but I see it not as easy as I thought it would. Especially I dated him with the intention of being a potential husband. Screening him was not as hard the 2nd time and I know when meet a Mr Good enough I’ll be better at it. Still need to learn and improve myself.

      Now I’m bit off topic here, but living in a big city for a while now I’m having a hard time meeting men. Yes, I have small conversation here and there but it doesn’t continue from there. Do you any suggestions where or how I can meet good men???? I had a few people tell me to go to a bar, a party, but I don’t know about that. At my job it’s not working majority are dating, married and etc. I’m a bit rusty in putting myself out there to start dating again. I don’t think I’m ready for the online just yet and a bit cautious with the men online, But If nothing is working out I may just consider it. Thank you again 😊😊.

      Your Highness Rosie,
      Two suggestions. Consider what I describe in article 42, but it takes patience and long-term investment. Also, before trying online dating, I suggest you study the series “Advertising online….” In the CONTENTS page at blog top.
      Guy

  3. Thetruth01

    Hello Sir Guy,

    I don’t know if I have too high of expectations or what. I started dating this nice guy, but when he gets angry or hurt he ignores me. I notice a lot of nice guys act this way too. I’m the type of person that likes to argue and get everything out and move on being happy. The only time I had a relationship like that it was abusive.
    So I guess my question is how to deal with nice guys who disappear because I feel abandoned and unloved when that happens then I want out of the relationship to continue dating.
    And why do they hold on to resentments for when they can get out, but choose not to. I offer to talk about isssues and they don’t want to then get me back later or hold it against me.

    Your Highness Thetruth01,

    You’re lower case and I RESPOND IN UPPER CASE.

    I don’t know if I have too high of expectations or what. I started dating this nice guy, but when he gets angry or hurt he ignores me. YOU TALK TOO MUCH, DISCLOSE TOO MUCH ABOUT YOURSELF, AND PREVENT GUYS FROM SHINING IN YOUR EYES BY DISCLOSING WHO AND WHAT THEY ARE AND CAN BE TO AND FOR YOU.

    I notice a lot of nice guys act this way too. I’m the type of person that likes to argue and get everything out and move on being happy. WHEN YOU ARGUE, YOU ARE COMPETING WITH THEM AND MEN DON’T COMPETE WITH THEIR WOMAN, SO YOU ARE DISCHARGING YOUR LIKEABILITY QUOTIENT BY OUTSHINING THEM IN THEIR EYES. MEN DON’T NEED NOR WANT THAT AT ALL. THEIR REACTION IS TO BECOME ABUSIVE-LIKE OR GET AWAY FROM YOU. THEY REFUSE TO LOSE TO A MERE WOMAN……

    The only time I had a relationship like that it was abusive. DITTO

    So I guess my question is how to deal with nice guys who disappear because I feel abandoned and unloved when that happens then I want out of the relationship to continue dating. IF THEY DISAPPEAR IT’S TOO LATE FOR YOU. LOOK FOR SOMEONE ELSE, KEEP QUIET, LET EACH ISSUE ARISE, AND EXPECT THEM TO PROVIDE RESOLUTION.

    And why do they hold on to resentments for when they can get out, but choose not to. I offer to talk about isssues and they don’t want to then get me back later or hold it against me. THEY ARE GIVING YOU A SECOND CHANCE AND YOU COME ACROSS AS HAVING LEARNED NOTHING ABOUT THEM BECAUSE YOU PAID TOO LITTLE ATTENTION TO THEM AND TOO MUCH TO YOURSELF. BE BENIGN, MAKE THEM EARN YOU WITH THEIR PROWESS AND ABILITY, AND REMAIN THE BUYER TO THEIR SELLER ROLE.

    Guy

    • Thetruth01

      I agree with what you’re saying Sir Guy. Here’s a situation that recently happened between me and my boyfriend. We just started dating not even a week now.
      We were on a date and he was taking care of the bill. I noticed he took out a cell phone separate from the one I’ve been seeing this whole time. Just being curious I ask him when he comes back why does he have two phones. He gave me a surprised look and tried to make me feel like I didn’t know what I was talking about.
      After getting defensive he told me he doesn’t have two phones. I told him he was lying because I saw it at least two times already. He threw his keys in my direction and told me to check his car and pockets because there is no phone. I told him I was leaving because I know what I saw and he’s lying. I started leaving and he chased after me saying there’s no phone and don’t leave.
      I stayed with him but I couldn’t contain my anger and I told him I can’t trust him because he’s a liar. I started asking him if he’s married or has another woman. He was yelling at me at the same time. Then when I cooled off I told him I was sorry and I thought everything was fine because I thought we made up.

      The next day I text him that I was sorry and I won’t bring up anything else unless he is treating me bad because he’s been so good to me so far. He didn’t respond. Then I text him what’s wrong then he says I kissed him of last night and I told him I was sorry for being disrespectful and I won’t bring up anything anymore. He was still angry and I kept texting him I’m sorry and will act differently.
      He didn’t accept what I was saying. And I brought him not telling the truth about the phone. Around this time he stopped replying to me and I kept texting him either saying sorry or saying angry things to him. Its been two days I’ve tried texting him still and he’s still not replying.

      Sir Guy I want to understand what you’re teaching and I don’t learn quickly so I need a lot of guidance and instruction. Please let me know what I did wrong here. I really like this guy, but as the days go by not hearing from him it gets hard to still think I’m in a relationship.

      Your Highness Thetruth01,

      “He didn’t accept what I was saying.” He knows you’re right. Being right for someone else does not make him right for you.

      He’s only after sex and regrets he got caught and tried to argue himself back into your good graces. Your attempt to recover him is your mistake. Spit him out and not too gracefully either. He doesn’t deserve your graciousness.

      Meow Meow nearby says it very well: “He’s just mad you saw through him. Move on and you be the one to throw the fish back in the sea.”

      Guy

      • Meow Meow

        Is he really a boyfriend/relationship after not even dating a week? Maybe just think of him as a “date that didn’t work out.” You have to believe your eyes, if you saw two phones do not be talked out of it…it’s an innocent question and a suspicious answer. He’s just mad you saw through him. Move on and you be the one to throw the fish back in the sea.

        • Thetruth01

          I say boyfriend because he wanted that title and asked me to commit the day we met. I was suspicious of him because we met in a club and I automatically thought his interest was sexual. I told him and he kept denying saying he’s not that type and I got him all wrong which is typical. But he wanted to still talk to me after the club so I suggested we go to Dennys. I’m tired of meeting guys who aren’t genuine so I asked him what he was looking for and it turned out it was the same things I wanted, but I still didn’t believe him. I thought it was too good to be true. So I told him lets just get to know each other first to see if what you say is true because I believe actions over words. He was ok with that and told me nothing is fake here everything is real. And if we have the same plan than lets commit now to do everything together get married and have children. I agreed to committing still not believing fully ever thing he was saying. Then the next few days were amazing just getting to know each other more and talking about what we expect from a relationship. It was wonderful until that night I previously wrote about.

  4. WWNH does women a great service by making crystal clear certain basic truths of male-female relationships. 

    This service is absolutely necessary since modern women, in American culture and other cultures, are NOT being taught these basic truths as they once were.

    This article makes clear yet again why sex outside marriage is so bad and detrimental to women.

    But this particular post adds an aspect of make behavior that, for me, actually undercuts the WWNH assertion that men are very practical and rational and wham, bam, thank you ma’am about sex.

    My view of a man who would be “desperate” to start co-habiting or to continue by shameless manipulation is that he is not merely or only doing the natural male thing.

    He is actually doing something that is warped, that is immature, that actually denies the male-female realities WWNH reminds women of.

    Co-habitation reinforces for men an immature, actually pre-adolescent view of life.  It’s the view that ignores the reality of the existence of women. 

    It’s the view that says pleasure and power can be obtained by being persistent, clever, and overwhelming, and responsibility for properly handling pleasure and power can be discarded the moment that responsibility starts to limit enjoyment of pleasure and power.

    Whether they are gay or straight, it doesn’t matter.  It’s just the male way, built on DNA, hormones, and brain wiring.

    But I am at a point in my life where I am coming to see that men who function this way are actually NOT functioning as men were made to function.

    For purposes of teaching and reinforcing  WWNH ideas, it is very helpful to isolate instinctive male behavior and look at it separate from female behavior, but that behavior in the real world is not separated from female behavior.

    Men who consistently act as if their male behavior is meant to exist independent and uninfluenced by female behavior . . .

    Those are not men as God intends them to be. 

    Men who use their maleness to get their every selfish desire . . . and who try to try coerce other people when it looks as if what they desire is slipping away . . . those are not truly male men, no matter how much they may look it on the surface.

    In my view, however much a man might want sex, if he does not have the ability to patiently wait for it in the context of marriage, and if he is not willing to go into a serious relationship with the idea that it will end in marriage . . . he is no real man. 

    If a man can only be “tricked” into a commitment through a woman’s romantic strategies and is not mature enough to leave her the hell alone if it looks like marriage will not work . . .

    He is not, not, not a man as God intends men to be.  However much a woman might want him to be The One, she needs to run as far away from him as possible.  Because it is for sure that she will get hurt if she doesn’t.

    Your Highness Edith Mcklveen,
    I posted my response as #2620 today. Good inspiration to comment. Thanks.
    Guy

    • You write beautifully and I am in full agreement with everything that you say. It is a life principle, not just a Christian one, that there can be no freedoms without both boundaries and responsibility..and anyone who thinks otherwise would need to reconsider their maturity level or is simply downright deceptive and dangerous

  5. May I quote a couple of scriptures here? “A harsh answer stirs up wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1 and, “..let it be the hidden person of the heart with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is very precious in the sight of God.” 1 Peter 3:4 (both from the NKJV) I have to remember these scriptures when I want to answer back with anger. I don’t always remember and Husband remains a “nice guy” when I do remember. God’s ways, once again, are perfect. Husband is much like Rosie’s fella – insulting, critical. Married to such a guy takes quite a bit of taming with the qualities of the two verses (as well as others) I mentioned.

  6. Etu

    I aired some of my laundry here a few months ago about seeing an older man in a foreign country who lived with mom, wouldn’t kiss me, etc. When I told him I couldn’t do it anymore (six months ago), he pretty much dropped off except to email me happy birthday. Tonight he sent me a “festive greeting” and let me know he dropped in the mail to me a scarf I left at his house….this past Spring. Getting over this has been the hardest thing I’ve done in the personal aspect. I am tempted to write him back but fear nothing good will come of it. Just when I think I’m getting over a hump, a holiday milestone appears and…here we are!

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