2621. Love is Never Enough — I


Wives live to give and receive love. Husbands live to satisfy themselves as doers, achievers, producers, and—hopefully but not always—as good marriage partners.

After marriage, she expects to be happy with the love she can provide and exchange, as she plans, executes, and shapes their marital home and life.  However, he expects to be satisfied living with her in that life together. What she provides and what he expects make a huge difference and it lasts throughout their marriage.

Those different objectives make them compatible and interruptions don’t have to separate them. However, from day one each depends on something different from the other. It’s the most critical challenge of their marriage, to keep him satisfied with her so that he remains satisfied with himself.

His major challenge is to produce, provide, protect, and solve her problems. If he slips or fails to do so, she senses that she should stimulate him to do better. The smarter and wiser wives encourage their man to get moving and do better. They manage to do it without disturbing but enabling him to find new satisfactions within himself.

Contrary to woman-think, a man doesn’t enter marriage for her love except as he sees it capable of shaping their togetherness in ways that satisfy him. Woman-think says that by combining a man and woman’s love, all things are possible. Man-think says that marriage is for women except when they can provide husbands with a satisfying existence living together. Her love of him motivates her but not him. Her likeability and apparent loyalty primarily motivate him to find her satisfying for his life.

Women ask, what about his responsibility to make my life satisfying to me? He has none, and smart wives don’t want it anyway. Two reasons: 1) Striving for personal satisfaction does not appeal to women; too much else is more important. 2) If husband is burdened to satisfy wife, he will take charge of her and marriage and run the show his way. No wife in her right mind desires that.

Men measure personal success by the satisfaction they find within themselves. Satisfaction that arises out of first figuring or planning what to do and then accomplishing what they likely will or intend to achieve. Consequently, husbands expect success in marriage from what they identify as their responsibility and expected achievements, but they measure success by personal satisfaction.

They fully expect to do their part as they identify it, and whether wife helps or not. In either event, a husband expects to find satisfaction with his wife, satisfaction living with her, and the resulting satisfaction that can be credited to marriage. If any satisfaction with wife is missing, satisfaction with himself tends to vaporize and marriage takes on the aura of an original mistake. A man has a strong tendency to recover from self-induced mistakes, his wife’s objections to the contrary notwithstanding.

Marital success to a husband relies not on wife’s love for him, but predominantly on how her love motivates her to love living and caring for his castle and life. That is, she loves to fabricate, arrange, and manage all the things that bring them together, and which boil down to his satisfaction with her and their living together. He appreciates her indirectly and finds marital success from all the pleasant harmony she brings into their life together.

Her love of him is never enough. For marital success, she has to love marriage, family, togetherness, relationships, duties, arranging, managing, uplifting, encouraging, mothering, children, inspiring, teaching, admiring, and stimulating all the events and circumstances that a couple faces. In short, she loves running their show more than she shows or needs his proactive displays of his love of her. She needs confirmations of her importance, but she learns to get a lot elsewhere than from husband.

The wife’s burden in a successful marriage is to shape and harmonize their lives together, which requires that she loves doing it even more than she loves him. That is the ultimate in a lasting marriage. They morph as individuals into a closed-circuit togetherness from three female motivations. 1) She learns to forgive and live with his faults. 2) She finally visualizes him as Mr. Right. 3) What she creates as ‘us’ and generates as harmony personified is more important in her heart than love of her husband.

That’s right, success in marriage means she ends up loving him less than their harmonized togetherness; it’s part of what makes lifelong marriage work. She was born to generate a wifely ‘empire’ in which to perfectly raise children, and her man was an essential ingredient to get her started and help out all along and for so many years. That’s why love is never enough.

5 Comments

Filed under Dear daughter, feminine, Her glory, How she wins, marriage, nurturing, sex differences

5 responses to “2621. Love is Never Enough — I

  1. I don’t really have any intelligent addition to what you have said, but I have seen it to be true in my marriage.
    Without realizing what would come of it, because of my determination to be a full-time homemaker and letting his job be the primary, and usually only income source, Husband has become a more successful man in his work. He now earns a very good salary so that we do not have any worries in that regard.
    In the beginning of my refusal to pursue a high-paying career and rather stay at home to raise our three little girls, Husband would privately and even openly belittle me and compare me to his co-workers wives’ jobs and his old girlfriend who is now a doctor. I stood firm, however. This put all the pressure on his shoulders (where it belonged) to take care of our financial responsibilities. If he did not have this difficult road to take, he would still be piddling around and less satisfied with himself as a man. I can see it, but I think he still holds that grudge, though less so. I feel this will also go in time.

    • Johanna

      I could not agree with you more. Amongst my friends, I command the highest salary – six figures sadly before taxes lol. They all know I would gladly give it up to become a full-time homemaker/housewife and eventual stay at home mom. I could not think of a better career to have shortly after marriage but my girlfriends think I’m crazy. What if he loses his job and asks you to work, they ask. Well, the family is going to cut back on things to make ends meet. I’ll go live with my parents before I find work. I firmly believe it is the husband responsibility to protect and provide for his family and for the wife to take what the husband provides and multiply it at home.

    • Meow Meow

      The grudge is there in my marriage too. The past several years I would overextend myself to the point of ill health trying to provide for my family. Unfortunately my hubby got used to it and did less, coming to rely on me. After my child had a serious breakdown at school and needed me to be around much more I had to stop working quite so much. I am still the primary breadwinner, but I switched to several low-paying part time jobs instead to be available for my kid. My husband still complains that ‘We should be both searching for full time work”…to which I say, sure, when little Johnny is out of high school. I hope hubby will also read the writing on the wall and look for one himself, otherwise we will just have to stay at a very low income level. I am going to trust that he will step up, and I think it would make him ultimately much prouder of himself. In the meantime I try to see how we can live on even less! Its a challenge for sure but I know I am providing my kid support no one else can give.

  2. Below is a link to a song from a Korean television series. These series are known for their super-romantic story lines. They are currently very popular in the US (with translations of course).

    The song is sung by a man, and is exactly the kind of thing a woman wants to hear, isn’t it? Love *is* enough, I am enough, you are enough, and just the two of us being together will ensure that our relationship and all its passion will last so long that we’ll have to have extra lifetimes to experience it.

    In light of this post, I wonder if I need to be even more suspicious of men promising things. Are the promises men make women only ever about a man getting sex as fast and easy as possible? Are they every truly sincere?

    Your Highness Edith Mcklveen,

    Are men’s promises ever truly sincere? Who know? Only one way to find out. Take a year or two to match his words vs. his actions while delaying conquest. If he marries without conquest first, his promises should be sincere. But the proof will only be evident after a decade of two of marriage. Life is risky.

    As to the Korean love music. It’s far too direct for men, unless you’re trying to make boys more like girls in the early teens. American love ballads from the movies of 1930-1960 are more indirect and appealing to men.

    Guy

    • I guess what I meant to say is, “Do men ever have, as part of their romantic promise-making to women, anything beyond wanting a place to park Mr. Happy?”

      Sometimes, it really does sadden me to think, even when I hear something like my pastor extolling the joys of taking a walk with his wife, that maybe, deep down inside, men are only capable of seeing women as reliable or unreliable penis garages, and everything they do is in pursuit of finding a convenient, safe way and place to ejaculate.

      I mean, I have had some wonderful moments of being treated well by men, and some horrible moments of being treated like garbage. And it just seems extremely sad if both the best and worst behavior men can offer is motivated by “what’s in it for me.”

      I certainly can be as selfish as they come when it comes to hopes for romance, but my desire is to get beyond that. I love presents and bling and being treated like a queen, but that is not a reliable foundation for any kind of meaningful relationship.

      Your Highness Edith Mcklveen,

      You regret, “And it just seems extremely sad if both the best and worst behavior men can offer is motivated by ‘what’s in it for me.’” Actually, self-interest is the universal motivator, and both sexes are born to get their way. So, what’s in it for me interrogates everyone regularly but silently.

      This blog describes how women make themselves of a much higher importance in the self-interest of one man and vice versa. Primarily, it’s up to women to convince one man to think, I’m glad she’s with me, as I try to figure out what’s life got in store for me? And she pleasantly shifts his ‘me’ to ‘us’.

      You may more clearly see why uncertainties remain in your mind, when I post the third article in this series of “Love is Never Enough.” And maybe a fourth.

      Guy

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