Like most things in life, love is a process and mutual love is two distinctly different processes.
Men primarily are producers. A man chases success exclusively for himself and sometimes chooses a wife and family to accompany him. Chasing success is both the man’s main love and main process in life. He competes with Nature, men, and conditions to achieve progress and accomplish whatever it takes to shape human events as he needs them to match his objectives, and as he foresees them in his masculine dreams.
Each man’s process is the glove into which his marriage must fit, his wife must prove herself likeable and loyal, and they squirm together in the ‘glovely’ wriggle room to succeed as a pair. If successful, he is satisfied with both her and living with her, and becomes satisfied with his marriage, himself, and with all of the above. He succeeds in life provided they succeed in marriage. Whether easily perceived or not by wife, his satisfaction with himself reflects his love of her.
Women, of course, expect more clear expositions of their man’s love. Men are more direct than women, and so why is he not more direct with his love? Good question and the answer comes later.
OTOH, women primarily are processors. They produce progress in living together, developing workable solutions, and cooperating to advance progress rather than causing it to stumble with open and often hostile competition. They keep the bearings of relationship wheels well oiled. Operating that way, a woman doesn’t look back very much, although she never forgets slights to the dignity or desirability of her purpose.
A woman makes her life more complex by chasing success in imagined things and ways. She seeks continually to brighter her future, betting on what she can produce by way of relationship solutions and improvements.
Far too often, however, women choose to compete directly with men over the shaping of human events, and things don’t work well when challenging male dominance. However, competing over their first sex together is not only acceptable but men consider it justified, although they easily argue to the contrary.
She pursues importance both to herself and others chosen or birthed. She seeks happiness in the process, and finds it in her gratefulness for those involved in her life. She measures progress by relationship improvements and happiness by the gratefulness she finds in both herself and contributors to her success, progress, and process of living among others. She serves others for the reward of giving of herself and thus upgrading her self-importance.
Grown women usually prefer a dependable man to accompany, help, and add value to the complexities of the process by which she lives. Reliance depends on influencing him to obligate himself on behalf of her and her children, and with marriage being the firmest obligation.
She knows to favor cooperation over competition; it’s essential when dealing with husband. Depending on her perception of the risk of losing him versus her process of generating progress to improve her or their future, she often competes to get her way. Husband’s risk is he may lose to a woman, but a wife’s likeability can overcome it. She has the talent and skill to outwit, outsmart, and outmaneuver her man, but he can always overrule with male dominance.
Men are more direct than women, and so why is he not more direct with his love? A woman’s love is expressed by very directly giving of herself in word and deed. Women expect to hear of being loved the same way, directly. They depend on what they hear and easily accept and conclude the best as opposed to men who depend on what they see and figure out.
A man’s love is not a giving of himself, as it is with women. Therefore, a man can’t be direct but has to rely on indirectness, fabrication, or lying. A man loves by doing what’s necessary to provide, produce, protect, and solve the problems of a woman in whom he sees—those eyes again—great likeability and loyalty. The investment of his ability is his love, indirect in all its glory if she is smart enough to recognize investment of self as emotional connection to what he sees.
Love is never enough, because it is different on opposite sides of a relationship. Whether she sees his investment of self as love of her means she has to measure, estimate, or presume his love based on factors unfamiliar to her. She needs more than her love to figure out his love of her.
He, OTOH, depends on what he sees and what he doesn’t hear to assess her love of him. He sees her smile and knows that he’s not at fault. He hears few or no complaints and figures her problems are surmountable.
From previous expressions of her love, he figures that he is still loved until the contrary emerges. He prefers to accept that all remains well, because her wordy expressions are unnecessary and sometimes embarrassing when he feels undeserving.
Exchanging love thoughts are part of the ‘glovely’ wriggle room mentioned above. They have to read each other. Tenderly is best as they fully develop their belief in themselves associating with the other, develop faith in each other, and wiggle around in the ever-changing results that keep him informed of how well he is doing in the process of living his life to provide, protect, etc.
Instead of always trying to confirm and reconfirm love at the first squeak of the romance or marital wheel, a wife does better when she quiets her ears aching for husband’s words with the satisfaction of showing affection through actions that satisfy her man. Her payback comes from his greater satisfaction knowing he did the right thing in marrying her—after all, that is the root of his commitment to stay with her and why love is never enough.