I write for women who think they know how to love a man into a successful marriage. Not all women have it wrong. A God-awful large number don’t have it right, or more marriages would last longer. Love is never enough.
Fiancés are so eager to seal the deal, they overlook this deeply embedded conviction within potential grooms. She marries for love; he marries for the promise he sees in her. How much of his love resides in the promise is an individual matter. To marry, he sees promise in her to uplift, promote, and contribute to his successes in his life, especially the present as he will face the future when it comes.
A man is born to satisfy himself, keep himself satisfied, and he has endless skills and talent for doing so. He lives a life of successes strung together into what’s right and good for him and within the freedom and ability he has available. As a sideline, almost any woman is available for frequent sex, so he has little interest in paying the price required to keep the same woman conveniently available.
Thus, his satisfaction and her love are very similar and equally critical. Self-respect that he has and satisfaction that he earns describes a man as adequate within himself. As an independent person, he gives little of himself except to earn success. OTOH, love holds a woman together. She has self-love, spreads it among those in her life, and measures success by how she helps others and thus adds to her self-importance.
She’s born with oodles of self-love. She aims at spreading plenty of it, out of which she also earns self-respect that enables her to respect men and a man.
He’s born with oodles of self-respect. He doesn’t spread it as women spread love. Instead, he harbors it to earn self-love, which then enables him to love others. By earning what he lacks, self-love, he enables himself to be more successful associating with others. Primarily, he aims at earning what he lacks, wins success at it, and expands his inborn need for greater responsibility to achieve more satisfying success.
A woman is born well-motivated to love herself, keep others well loved, and she too has endless skills and talent for it. But the genders differ on this point, men are independent and don’t need a woman. Women are dependent and desire frequent uplifting and confirmation of their importance. They need someone close to magnify their lives into more than just tolerance. They are born with the instinct for a man to provide it and intuition to recruit one to enhance their lives. So, a woman is motivated to mate up with a man, while he’s motivated to do other things that may or may not include being burdened with an adequate mate or satisfied with a superb wife.
Women thus face two challenges. If husband is to be, it is up to me. If keeping husband is to be, it is up to me.
Women measure marital success by her giving and receiving love with husband. A husband finds success by satisfying himself that he does right for himself, good for them, and satisfies himself in living his life and husbanding hers. It’s more complex than women imagine, and love is never enough.