2632 — Universal Motivators: The Grand Design


Again, pardon the hubris for presuming to know what God intended. But this is the conclusion I draw from how humans have acted and reacted over the millennia.

This seems to be the grand design, the original model. Men are motivated to spread their seed. Mothers are motivated to raise their children. Readers are motivated to read something else.

Men have little or no incentive to love or be loved by only one woman. Depositors of seed favor moving on and have little natural interest in helping with kids. However, females possess a unique relationship expertise that persuades one man of choice to let one woman of choice get her way.

Spreading being easier than raising kids, women seek fathers to help ease female burdens. They use love as primary method and find cooperation more valuable than competition. Consequently, women give up getting their way in the present in order to bless their future with a man’s presence—but they eventually learn a major exception exists.

Thus, the battle of the sexes organizes, begins, and continues.

4 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, marriage, sex differences, The mind

4 responses to “2632 — Universal Motivators: The Grand Design

  1. Sunset Highway

    Sir Guy,

    I wish you would expand more on the initial stages of courtship, because that is where I struggle most.

    For example, I know the general idea of this blog here is to delay sex until marriage, find a man that doesn’t only pursue sex but pursues you as a person, and that courtship sets the foundation for marriage. I have also put many of your “standards” into practice, and I’ve learned so much from doing so. However, I still seem to lack the sense of timing when it comes to reading men. I do the wrong things at the wrong time, even though I mean to do better.

    Being a strict follower WWNH rules, I took the idea of “hard to get” seriously. I had, in my mind, the notion that while things are NOT always how you projected or imagined them, that still, men must abide by basic rules during the early stages of courtship, otherwise there is no foundation to build on. Little things, like when to set up a date for example. I always expect the man to contact me 2-3 days in ADVANCE before the actual date. For example, a man should ask you Wenesday or Thursday if he wants to see you Saturday. If he doesn’t follow this rule, I would say, “Oh, I’m busy, maybe another time?” This was my indirect way of saying, “Close but no cigar, if you want to get a date with me you need to ASK and plan it in advance.” I mean, a hard to get girl can’t behave like a man’s favorite pizza delivery service, right?

    I was seeing this one guy who I was sure was very interested in me and I felt deeply connected to him, maybe even in love, and for a while (1-2 months) or so, he would always plan the date in advance, just the way I required. He also paid for the dates, I never took my wallet out, and I always made sure he knew (albeit indirectly) that I was not going to invite him over to “see my bed”.

    However, 4-5 weeks of this good pattern, he suddenly asked me out ON THE NIGHT he wanted to see me, shooting me a simple text and asking me if I wanted to meet him within a couple of hours for drinks. Being the “hard to get” woman I wanted to be, I said “no” and asked him to reschedule because I was busy. Mind you, I was lying, because I had no plans that night and could have easily gone to see him. However, I stuck with my guns – WWNH was in the back of my mind and I didn’t want to be the “on-call” girl, and if I said yes this time, what if it becomes a pattern? What if he becomes so comfortable with me that all he ever does is asks me to “come over and watch movies”? And what if this leads to too much pressure early on for sex? I had to draw the line. Then, days later, he texts to say “how are you”…we engage in some small talk, but no actual request for another date. He turned cold suddenly, and I tried to drop him more hints that I was still interested, but still no actual request for another date.

    He’s a great guy and I knew he had so much potential, but I’m afraid maybe I was too hard on him and stuck too stubbornly to my standards. Maybe my sense of “timing” was off, that maybe just one time I should have been more lenient and met him according to his spontaneous date request, maybe it wasn’t going to be a pattern, and that he would revert back to doing the respectful thing by planning the date in advance. My point is, my stubbornness may have cost me, as he has never contacted me again.

    Then I had a thought, that if a man is really into a woman, a miniscule rejection wouldn’t stop a man would it? I mean, I wasn’t even rejecting him, I was rejecting the way he asked me out on a date, not the actual date. But he hasn’t continued to pursue me, in fact he’s gone cold turkey, so was my assessment of his feelings for me completely delusional? Maybe he never really liked me at all.

    I know that you will say something along the lines of, “every woman’s courtship practices are unique and a woman needs to make a decision for herself that feels right to her”, but in this case, I feel hopeless because I lack the ability to accurately read people and act accordingly. I prefer to stick to rigidity, and I guess this is my biggest fear – that I stick too harshly to rules for fear of sliding into a hopeless situation – that I lack the ability to judge each scenario in a unique way and act accordingly, that not everything can be bound by rules. Anyway, I wanted to share this not only to gain more insight, but to also see what other WWNH disciples have to say, and to also read more about early stages of courtship from you, Sir Guy. All this talk about how to act during a long term relationship + marriage is great, I’ve studied them for my future relationship. But a gal’s gotta GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP first before she can start applying those nuggets of wisdom, and I’m afraid my socially inept brain is stopping me from ever being in one.

    Your Highness Sunset Highway,
    My response is attached, too big for here.
    Guy

    • A.GuyMaligned

      Your Highness Sunset Highway,

      Welcome aboard. I love it when pretty women join us on this cruise on WhatWomenNeverHear.

      Your comment is evidence that you know yourself full well. You need make only one adjustment in your thinking to find yourself amidst greater success: forget rules.

      Rather than attract, a woman’s rules drive men away. They have the effect of defeating a man’s plan, some of which perhaps need defeating. Also, men don’t follow the rules of others. So, I’ll explain more against rules. (Yes, I know the book and of the grandmotherly roots. When first I read it, I thought it great advice, but I have learned better.)

      You should want men to abide your never loud but softly described expectations. A better response might be: “I’d be delighted but with such short notice, I need to know more.” While he defends himself with more details, you can decide whether to accept or not. Chat it up, practice drawing him out rather than shortening dialogue. Accept the date if he sells himself well enough. Don’t let a decision (rule) made earlier shape your reaction to an invitation.

      Make the caller earn you as he asks for a date. Men appreciate what they earn. After several dates, if still interested, you might mention gently that you like earlier invites but I don’t advise it. Teach yourself to handle whatever arises that you don’t like or expect.

      You can turn your rules into expectations, stay flexible, describe them with charm, and be willing to negotiate a pleasant settlement. It’s a method of the superior gender. Examples: 1) I regret my tardiness at getting dressed for our date; I expected to show up as you deserve to see me. 2) If we date again, I could use more advance notice as I’m working a special project that has a lot of prep and lay-aside time involved. 3) You may take my allowing your excursions about my body to mean I’m ready for bed. It’s a connection you will find premature.

      You recognize this problem, which you can change. “I prefer to stick to rigidity….” You will learn quickly from experience, if you manage by flexible expectations rather than hard rules. Lighten up, relax about it. Quit internalizing beforehand. Dream about men rather than analyze about self. You’re plenty smart enough to know what to prevent and how to handle whatever happens.*

      One last suggestion. Drop all rules as such. They lock out your ability to negotiate, which is the essence of capturing and keeping a man. Instead, use the spirit of the rules as expectations up to which you expect yourself and others to abide but subject to whatever adjustments can be justified. IOW, bend a little, be looser and more pliable to a man whom you hope to please. As a woman, you lose very little along the way unless you allow conquest.

      By the way, hard to get ultimately means first sex together. Playing hard to get means delay, delay, delay without chasing him off.
      ——
      *During a date, previous rigidity comes across as harsh. Overanalysis comes across as preoccupied. Fear comes across as anxiety. Worried about doing something right or wrong comes across as distant. And worst of all, sincere pleasantness, smiles, and charm disappear. Playing out your agenda and planning outcomes before you’re invited or dated is counterproductive by making you who you ain’t but who you fear.

      Best wishes,
      Guy

      • Sunset Highway

        I plan on using what you said above and changing my outlook – even though I fear spontaneity, even though I fear letting go of my stubbornness. I have spent years dating men using the guidelines described here, but I knew when you wrote about this one story on your blog that courtship rules can also be broken, with success. It was about Lauren and Guy Jr. Guy Jr. kept pursuing her and was even disrespectful to her at times because she was “hard to get” and he got frustrated, but she trained him somehow and finally they did consummate their relationship, even though they weren’t married. I knew you were illustrating a point in that story. That each situation is unique. I did not walk away from that story thinking, “Oh, I too am going to engage in pre-marital sex before I’m married.” I knew for me, it wouldn’t feel right. I’ve never been married or had kids yet, I don’t own a home, and I’m much younger than Lauren was when she was being courted by Guy Jr, so the decision to just give my body to a “good man” before marriage doesn’t make sense for me. But what I took with me from that story was this idea that there are no “guidelines” in the end, and I guess that story scared me a little, because I’d rather be boxed in and miserable than open minded and happy. You said the subconscious controls one’s actions. Maybe I want to be miserable, maybe I am not ready to live “happily ever after”.

        I have read the rules yes, but I would not be so quick to give that book so much credit, in fact I didn’t even mention it in my comment purposely because it is not the reason why I ever changed. I read that book before I read your blog, and I never followed the rules. The book was written by a woman and she knew certain things “that worked” but never explained anything beyond that and might I add the woman who wrote that book is divorced anyhow? And yes, I follow this idea that the man should PRE-PLAN the date and ask the woman in advance. That’s mostly because it’s what a WWNH girl would do. In the end, that book had little influence for me, because I knew it was too gimmicky.

        It’s only after I read your blog that I fully understood why I had to change my dating patterns. I have no problem getting men to chase me now. And some have chased me for long periods of time, poor me because they never proposed, and poor them because of all the money and time spent went to waste – fiscally I’m sound – I never dropped a dime on date 1-2-3-4-5-till the end and I refuse to help men out financially UNLESS I am related to them. My problem is getting them to propose, if not a proposal, my problem is getting them to the point of devotion, where they know in their heart am I “the one, forever”, and I know it is because of my closed mind and my “off” sense of timing, and yes I will begrudgingly admit I am prone to bouts of selfishness and vanity.

        Your Highness Sunset Highway,

        You write too clearly to be confused. Perhaps as you claim, just stubborn.

        I suggest you study my six articles about the merits of vanity (some duplication). Selfishness can be good, sometimes.

        Some people prefer the certain of misery to the uncertainty of change. Your option, but God gave you all you need to escape the misery of which we speak; you only have to choose and let your courage and confidence grow from experience. (If it is to be, it is up to me.)

        Guy

  2. Meow Meow

    Hello Sir Guy! Would you explain the drive that some women past motherhood age (widow/divorced/whether had kids or didn’t) still have to try to continue dating, be courted, have sex and/or be in a relationship with a man (since motherhood is no longer possible?) Is it a result of our longer life spans? Wanting the protection of a man or the feeling of importance that having someone in her life to make happy brings?

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