2643. Good Women Lose Their Way Getting Their Way — 07


I expect this to be the last article in this series. Making courtship simple should follow.

NOTE: Throughout the series I purposely ignore the modern female attitude that men are no good or to blame and are, therefore, undeserving of a woman satisfying a man. If you have that feminist ‘disease’, you may just as well quit reading now. A major obstruction to marital success is that politically-planted, now-almost-universal belief that men are the problem. Either that belief dissolves in your mind, or marriage with you will dissolve in his heart. You can’t satisfy a man while you have him dangling on the blame hook. So for what is he to blame? What’s more important? Keeping him, proving yourself right,  expressing your opinion, or just letting him know how you feel?

——

In Navy boot camp, we recruits learned: There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Navy way. After 66 years I pass it to wives like this: There is the right way, the wrong way, and the proper way in marriage. Proper, meaning that wife defines it and imposes it to the extent she finds it possible for herself, practicable in their life together, and satisfying to husband. Caution: Her insistence applied to his face threatens his satisfaction; she’s smoother than that.

Men ‘hire’ a wife to handle domestic matters of living together. Without standards that don’t vary according to her emotions of the moment, then her expectations will rarely be met especially after children start arriving.

The proper way has its own wifely motto from which dangles the key to marital success introduced at 2636. A strategy follows; each woman has to develop her own tactics that breed success for her and her man.

MOTTO. Love is great, but keeping husband satisfied is both easier and works better to get my way. I can’t insist, I have to be smooth. Work smarter, not harder—after all, it is a job, my job when I marry.

KEY. Retire your courtship thinking about how more or greater love cures relationship ills. Forget your intentions to directly love your husband into marital bliss; men are not good at romance and smother love especially is wrong-think. Love him more indirectly and it’s easier for you too, unless you can’t accept responsibility for the wife’s governance role.

Convey your love by showing and building a good life that wedges him into your design and plan to fulfill your dream of life together. You do it by keeping him satisfied with both you and living with you. In the meantime, you get your way on your own, or else you earn it in the domestic matters that make up your domain. His signs of satisfaction dispense freedom for you to proceed.

I exaggerate these points just for effect: Focus more on loving what you do than loving him directly with physical affection. Monitor his feedback for satisfaction, which keeps you alerted on how better to get your way on pending matters. In the first few years he may never be satisfied, but it’s no reason to give up. Getting your way on A may be much harder when he’s dissatisfied with B, so satisfy first his concerns about B and then address A. Your likeability at a given instant, and his willingness to yield to you, can depend on his satisfaction at that moment and may depend on something other than you, such as his job. Focus on how you love to brighten your future together, set standards for domestic life, eliminate relationship hazards, harmonize family relations, and glue your relationship with feminine leadership that isolates him in the center as virtual king—crowned by his satisfaction with himself for having chosen you. Don’t treat or make him sound like a king; let him conclude it from your actions more than words. Learn to love doing all those things more than showing your affection and direct love of him in daily actions. Lastly, hurts not intended as such can be overlooked when one has faith in the offender; the right of kings empowers them to speak before thinking, so not all negatives should be taken personally. (This paragraph is exaggerated purposely; it’s the right play book but written in overly pessimistic and optimistic terms.)

Neither life nor love works with boys and men as girls and women like to think. Instead, you should work on the home, your relationship, and life’s happenings in such ways that you keep husband satisfied rather than just loved; it enables you to more effectively handle the masculine nature. IOW, put yourself in charge of everything but his job, his ‘territorial’ and other interests, and whatever he seeks to be responsible for—that is, his domain. Use love more as tool than glue. Focus your love on finding and being grateful for what you do to make home and marriage work. Please yourself for what you do more than who you are, more on what he deserves as your hubby than please yourself for what you deserve.

Why is love never enough? It’s not the motivator of men that women hope, expect, and rely on. Men like to be loved, but they can do without it. Many do and not always outside a marriage.

Women argue that men screw up good marriages. Doing so confuses or distracts women, and they don’t learn the essentials for marital success.

They blame men so that women can escape feeling responsible; they don’t have to answer and be called wrong. Yet, God designed them to have all the skill, talent, and natural motivation to be fully responsible. He gave men none of the same. Example: Women are born to find, capture, and keep a man to help fulfill their dreams as a couple; her ability to do it is tremendous and endless. Men are born with the ability to mate with a woman on his terms, but his relationship ability is nil. IOW, he falls victim to her expertise, because each female mate knows in her heart how to fit and keep their relationship adequate enough to satisfy her man.

Summarized, wife breeds marital success with this strategy. First, she accepts responsibility for all matters for which he does not claim responsibility—namely, his domain. Second, she strives to get her way in the building, shaping, and sustaining of their relationship, living together, and domestic matters in all but his domain, namely her domain. Third, while doing so, she keeps him satisfied with who he is and what he means to himself. By getting her way cooperatively rather than competitively, she aims at winning his satisfaction three ways. 1) Satisfied with her and who she is, aka her likeability and fidelity. 2) Satisfied with what she does to govern their togetherness and promote two lives into one. 3) Satisfied with himself for choosing to depart single life in favor of living with her; it confirms his conviction that he was right all along and intensifies his marital connection.

Satisfaction with himself counts the most for her in the long run and extends his staying power. Consequently, he may be temporarily or moderately unsatisfied with her or their living arrangements, but he may still be satisfied with himself for other reasons and, therefore, he finds insufficient reason to leave and sticks with her to see how things develop.

The foregoing describes a strategy designed around two inborn motivational imperatives. Both sexes always want to get their way, which guarantees that competition emerges. Women are empowered from birth with the patience, expertise, and self-interest to forego competition, choose cooperation to get their way, and thus enable themselves to conquer men for marriage before men conquer women for sex. Instinctively and intuitively women know it serves them best.

There is more to marital success than the strategy cited above. Individual women have to develop their own ‘it’s my way’ set of tactics to generate marital success. They are born quite capable of doing that and only have to follow their heart instead of guidance from others.

5 Comments

Filed under Dear daughter, feminine, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

5 responses to “2643. Good Women Lose Their Way Getting Their Way — 07

  1. Can you help a man build satisfaction for himself by allowing him to please you? In other words, allowing him to do things for you no matter how mundane in order to satisfy himself with his ability to make you happy?

    Your Highness Lorraine Vega,

    Welcome aboard. I love it when pretty women join us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    I’m stumped, and so I parse and rephrase your questions.

    “Can you help a man … please you … with his ability to make you happy?”

    It’s tough because you and he BOTH need to replace old habits with new ones. But then, that is the solution; overwrite old habits with new ones that regularly display more connections that please you BOTH, especially attentions that displace little irritations such as blame and guilt. So, how to do that?

    His motivation for pleasing you arises out of his respect of you, your likeability in his eyes, his likeability in your eyes, he feels good for making you feel good, and his sense that you are more important to him than he’s previously shown. Improve or get more of those things, and he may recognize that he has a greater duty to you than he’s been displaying. Nothing wrong with past performance; it’s just the way your relationship developed over time.

    1) His respect of you pretty much quit growing once he conquered you. After that he respects your accomplishments and personal qualities that he admires. Improve whatever you can and measure it by his new admiration of a new you.

    2) Your likeability in his eyes. Assess yourself in his eyes and try to improve. Again, measure by his newfound admiration of you.

    3) His likeability in your eyes. Find new ways or refine old ways that make him more likeable to you and act on it. Change your habits to show him indirectly with actions that he’s highly likeable just for being who and what he is. Words will not convince him, he needs to figure it out from your actions.

    4) He feels good for making you feel good. Change your habits in response to anything and everything he does for you. Feel good about everything he does, whether directly for you or not. Example: He gets a pay raise. Don’t welcome the money. Praise his extra value for being your mate.

    5) His sense that you are more important to him than he’s previously shown. Show him regularly that he’s more important to you than previously recognized. Enable his psyche to see that a partner’s importance itself is very important.

    Finally, he expected you not to change after he married you. Doubtless, you have. I suggest you recall your premarital persona and try to recover it. You can change yourself, and he would really appreciate the woman he dreamed of years ago. Of course I understand the impossibility of total success, but working on it may trigger the proper recall and respect in his mind.

    Good luck, it’s a tough assignment if you are willing to accept it.

    Guy

  2. Sarina

    Sometimes I wonder: should wives keep affection strictly for intimate moments only? Are men irritated when wives constantly hug and lavish them with sugary words?

    Your Highness Sarina,
    I’ve struggled with the subject for several years. You inspired today’s post, 2644. Thanks.
    Guy

    • I wonder if a simple kiss goodbye when he leaves in the morning and one when he returns is enough. Would he feel smothered otherwise?

      Your Highness Lorraine Vega,
      I had you in mind when I posted today’s article, 2644. You deserve a lot more without smothering him, but for the most part you have to figure out how to get it. That is, outwit, outsmart, and outmaneuver him without offending him and by still keeping him satisfied with you. Of course it isn’t easy, but God designed you with all the talent, skills, and heart-knowledge to do it. He has no such ability, which is why a man appreciates the feminine expertise of a woman.
      Guy

    • Anon...

      i think they do.. IMO its rather BACKWARDS… and looks a little like girlfriend is ‘mother’
      its best to try to ‘goad’ him into being affectionate (rare these days to see young girls getting affection from boyfriends/husbands-still)… but if you are conquered sexually, its more impossible

  3. Another great article Sir Guy! Does positive encouragement help mold a husband to please his wife? For example, if she likes receiving flowers what are some good ways to encourage him to keep bringing flowers?

    Your Highness Mary Wumths,

    Generate reminders. Put regular purchase in family budget. Out loud before husband admire flowers, flower shop windows, men you see carrying them, men who bring them to you, women who receive them.

    The most influential secret is to ignore the flowers hubby brings you and admire him for who he is, what he does, what he stands for, what he can accomplish, the value of his achievements, and how your future with him brightens with every dose of flowers. Flowers symbolize his greatness in your heart, and only you can make it stick through all the times you don’t get flowers.

    Guy

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