I expect this to be the last article in this series. Making courtship simple should follow.
NOTE: Throughout the series I purposely ignore the modern female attitude that men are no good or to blame and are, therefore, undeserving of a woman satisfying a man. If you have that feminist ‘disease’, you may just as well quit reading now. A major obstruction to marital success is that politically-planted, now-almost-universal belief that men are the problem. Either that belief dissolves in your mind, or marriage with you will dissolve in his heart. You can’t satisfy a man while you have him dangling on the blame hook. So for what is he to blame? What’s more important? Keeping him, proving yourself right, expressing your opinion, or just letting him know how you feel?
In Navy boot camp, we recruits learned: There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Navy way. After 66 years I pass it to wives like this: There is the right way, the wrong way, and the proper way in marriage. Proper, meaning that wife defines it and imposes it to the extent she finds it possible for herself, practicable in their life together, and satisfying to husband. Caution: Her insistence applied to his face threatens his satisfaction; she’s smoother than that.
Men ‘hire’ a wife to handle domestic matters of living together. Without standards that don’t vary according to her emotions of the moment, then her expectations will rarely be met especially after children start arriving.
The proper way has its own wifely motto from which dangles the key to marital success introduced at 2636. A strategy follows; each woman has to develop her own tactics that breed success for her and her man.
MOTTO. Love is great, but keeping husband satisfied is both easier and works better to get my way. I can’t insist, I have to be smooth. Work smarter, not harder—after all, it is a job, my job when I marry.
KEY. Retire your courtship thinking about how more or greater love cures relationship ills. Forget your intentions to directly love your husband into marital bliss; men are not good at romance and smother love especially is wrong-think. Love him more indirectly and it’s easier for you too, unless you can’t accept responsibility for the wife’s governance role.
Convey your love by showing and building a good life that wedges him into your design and plan to fulfill your dream of life together. You do it by keeping him satisfied with both you and living with you. In the meantime, you get your way on your own, or else you earn it in the domestic matters that make up your domain. His signs of satisfaction dispense freedom for you to proceed.
I exaggerate these points just for effect: Focus more on loving what you do than loving him directly with physical affection. Monitor his feedback for satisfaction, which keeps you alerted on how better to get your way on pending matters. In the first few years he may never be satisfied, but it’s no reason to give up. Getting your way on A may be much harder when he’s dissatisfied with B, so satisfy first his concerns about B and then address A. Your likeability at a given instant, and his willingness to yield to you, can depend on his satisfaction at that moment and may depend on something other than you, such as his job. Focus on how you love to brighten your future together, set standards for domestic life, eliminate relationship hazards, harmonize family relations, and glue your relationship with feminine leadership that isolates him in the center as virtual king—crowned by his satisfaction with himself for having chosen you. Don’t treat or make him sound like a king; let him conclude it from your actions more than words. Learn to love doing all those things more than showing your affection and direct love of him in daily actions. Lastly, hurts not intended as such can be overlooked when one has faith in the offender; the right of kings empowers them to speak before thinking, so not all negatives should be taken personally. (This paragraph is exaggerated purposely; it’s the right play book but written in overly pessimistic and optimistic terms.)
Neither life nor love works with boys and men as girls and women like to think. Instead, you should work on the home, your relationship, and life’s happenings in such ways that you keep husband satisfied rather than just loved; it enables you to more effectively handle the masculine nature. IOW, put yourself in charge of everything but his job, his ‘territorial’ and other interests, and whatever he seeks to be responsible for—that is, his domain. Use love more as tool than glue. Focus your love on finding and being grateful for what you do to make home and marriage work. Please yourself for what you do more than who you are, more on what he deserves as your hubby than please yourself for what you deserve.
Why is love never enough? It’s not the motivator of men that women hope, expect, and rely on. Men like to be loved, but they can do without it. Many do and not always outside a marriage.
Women argue that men screw up good marriages. Doing so confuses or distracts women, and they don’t learn the essentials for marital success.
They blame men so that women can escape feeling responsible; they don’t have to answer and be called wrong. Yet, God designed them to have all the skill, talent, and natural motivation to be fully responsible. He gave men none of the same. Example: Women are born to find, capture, and keep a man to help fulfill their dreams as a couple; her ability to do it is tremendous and endless. Men are born with the ability to mate with a woman on his terms, but his relationship ability is nil. IOW, he falls victim to her expertise, because each female mate knows in her heart how to fit and keep their relationship adequate enough to satisfy her man.
Summarized, wife breeds marital success with this strategy. First, she accepts responsibility for all matters for which he does not claim responsibility—namely, his domain. Second, she strives to get her way in the building, shaping, and sustaining of their relationship, living together, and domestic matters in all but his domain, namely her domain. Third, while doing so, she keeps him satisfied with who he is and what he means to himself. By getting her way cooperatively rather than competitively, she aims at winning his satisfaction three ways. 1) Satisfied with her and who she is, aka her likeability and fidelity. 2) Satisfied with what she does to govern their togetherness and promote two lives into one. 3) Satisfied with himself for choosing to depart single life in favor of living with her; it confirms his conviction that he was right all along and intensifies his marital connection.
Satisfaction with himself counts the most for her in the long run and extends his staying power. Consequently, he may be temporarily or moderately unsatisfied with her or their living arrangements, but he may still be satisfied with himself for other reasons and, therefore, he finds insufficient reason to leave and sticks with her to see how things develop.
The foregoing describes a strategy designed around two inborn motivational imperatives. Both sexes always want to get their way, which guarantees that competition emerges. Women are empowered from birth with the patience, expertise, and self-interest to forego competition, choose cooperation to get their way, and thus enable themselves to conquer men for marriage before men conquer women for sex. Instinctively and intuitively women know it serves them best.
There is more to marital success than the strategy cited above. Individual women have to develop their own ‘it’s my way’ set of tactics to generate marital success. They are born quite capable of doing that and only have to follow their heart instead of guidance from others.