2647. Strategy for Courtship — 02: Beliefs

I know most of you gals look for WAYS and WHAT to do to improve your relationship record; e.g., rules. I think the WHY and HOW you do something is more essential for success; e.g., mindset. So, I now focus on tying some things together before we get to the details.

Why aren’t modern gals more successful with men? When specialists can’t succeed in their own specialty, i.e., relationships, their attitude reflects a mindset that more responsibility can improve. Modern-day relationship specialists ignore their natural talent, ability, and attraction and believe things that hurt their cause.

Change one’s attitude and they change their life. But nobody wants to change their attitude. It’s too personal; it reflects who they are. Furthermore, one can’t just up and directly change what’s in their heart. It has to be replaced by another attitude that arises out of a different belief. Replace one belief with another and one’s attitude changes.

So, I shall not encourage you to change and make your life better. Instead, I’ll describe what’s inside you, several beliefs different from those you carry around hunting a good man. You can decide if and how you want to believe any of the following.

Undeveloped and mistaken beliefs hold women back as they try to embolden men to pursue them in courtship. Poor attitudes flow out of women who stick to pop culture values, standards, and expectations. The following are roots of female common sense for dealing with men.

  1. Being the relationship expert, each woman is responsible to prompt whatever manly behavior supports and energizes one man’s pursuit of her. IOW, she does whatever prompts him to earn her and not the other way around. She leads indirectly as if in background mode, gives up little for nothing, appreciates his investment of himself in her, but doesn’t reveal that she’s similarly invested. Without accepting full responsibility for relationship success and failure, she doesn’t learn from relationship turmoil or failure. It’s too easy to blame the guy, especially the one who dumps her, and it closes her mind to self-improvement.
  2. Women are born to be good and motivated to do good. They confirm goodness by doing good, and it makes them more appealing and worthy in the eyes of selves and others. Especially men, who are born with the ability to do good but not motivated to be good. Any drive to be good interferes with their competitive drive to get what they want. It takes a good woman to influence a man to exploit his ability to do good, usually to please her, and thus he too becomes good. Women don’t talk about it, but it underwrites the hopes and wishes they have of improving their husband over the years. His doing good makes her even better. Seldom does a woman seek to make her husband worse than he already is in her eyes. It all, however, begins in courtship; if she isn’t good and tries to do good, her credibility does not convince him to follow her example.
  3. The natural and excited urge of females to share their love motivates a gal to spread her words of love and affection. It’s a mistake in courtship. Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. Consequently, her freely given love earns her little or nothing in return. In dating and courtship, she should make pursuers earn her loving words. Far better for her to make guys earn every little favor she shows them. Everything is to be earned, if she is to be won; e.g., third date before first kiss; avoid passionate moments until she decides; his devotion appears before she offers those three little words. Her affectionate actions convince more effectively that he’s truly loved; much better than her words of love. It works because guys believe what they figure out more than what they are told. It also self-encourages them to try harder to impress or please her, and their actions program their heart to favor her more over time, and out of which arises his devotion. Men don’t just walk away from their lengthy investments, so time encourages his greater investment, tendency to bond, and devotion development.More common sense about virtue, femininity, respect, and political opposition follow next.


Filed under courtship, Culture & Politics, Dear daughter, feminine, How she wins, marriage, sex differences, The mind

7 responses to “2647. Strategy for Courtship — 02: Beliefs

  1. Miss Gina


    I would suggest that my attitude about myself was transformed by knowing that my value is absolute no matter how any certain man thinks of me or treats me.

    I grew up and spent much of my adulthood in a challenging relationship with my father. He was at times kind to me and at other times cruel when I didn’t go along with his (feminist!) ideas of what I should do (that would make good bragging material). We have since reconciled, but the thing that took that longing for male approval away was coming into an understanding of God’s love for me as a father, friend, and even (figuratively) as a husband/lover.

    This kind of understanding comes with time reading God’s love letter to all of us. He has especially tender words for rejected women and those uncertain of their value. Isaiah 54 is a good place to start on this subject. Also, reading the entire life of Christ, we can see the love He had for women, as He treated them far above their station in life in that time and place, and they followed Him in droves, though He was not a good-looking man.

    Once we have this sense of our own value in our hearts, all the things Sir Guy writes about begin to fall quickly into place.

    Your Highness Miss Gina,
    You’re so right. When that’s in a person’s heart, others take it as a compliment that you associate with them. It’s the reflected glory of God, woman, and goodness and speaks louder than words.

    • Your growing-up experience rings a bell with me. My father was never cruel in his expectations. He was just incredibly idealistic AND he wanted me ( mostly in a good way) to be the son he thought I was going to be (because for several previous generations in his family, first-borns were ALWAYS male). He mellowed when I was in my thirties and tried very hard to accommodate my non-maleness, but seriously, I carried around FOR decades the idea that I wasn’t good enough to love and be loved by a man . . . because I wasn’t good enough to take the place of the son that should have been!

  2. Meow Meow

    I think this internal belief in one’s absolute value is displayed in behavior that is visible to others. It is often described as being a “high value” woman. Like the beauty of Nature, as this value is inherent, bestowed by God, no man can take it away, and those women who recognize that value and live it out in their daily life are the most naturally mysterious to men.

    Your Highness Meow Meow,
    You’re right. People who lack it, men especially, find mystery in the reflected glory of God, women, and goodness. Women who lack it believe they aren’t good enough to represent God and goodness. Their self-image of a lesser soul and the self-confidence they lack to live differently are the excuses they have for denying it.

  3. I used to think that the way to speak to a guy about anything was in man-speak (which I define as direct, to the point, in-your-face, factual, no hinting, no emotions . . .) because woman-speak was TOO indirect and vague.

    I believe in indirection now as described so well in various WWNH posts.

    But now the big question for me is: what can be done when a woman is sincere in admiration and respect, and conveys it in a variety of indirect ways . . .

    And a man doesn’t receive it because he isn’t paying attention . . . and he isn’t paying attention because he doesn’t believe what she’s saying is sincere?

    Sunday at church, I complimented a particular man on his bold, Art Deco tie. (He has a large collection of distinctive, interesting, attractive neck ties.)

    He said, with a distinct tinge of bitterness, “It’s different; I like being different.”

    A few weeks before, he had said he liked visiting another church because they noticed him right away when he showed up one Sunday morning. They made him feel welcome.

    He said (as a twice-divorced man whose adult children are all finally out of the house, either married or working) that the other men at our church don’t have time for fellowship because they are busy taking care of their families.

    The reality is that, though he is a fairly busy man, he has generally not taken advantage of obvious opportunities to hang out with other men and get to know them better.

    As an individual, he has given a lot of time and service to the church, but he has never really put himself in a position for other men to get to know him well.

    So, he is stuck in a mindset of being a loner and a loser, and hearing the truth about his worth as a human being just seems to bounce off him.

    Telling him the good, real, beautiful truth seems to make him anxious and unhappy. I’ve never before had such a desire to speak peace to a sad heart, and I’ve never before met such resistance to honest encouragement.

    Your Highness Edith Mcklveen,

    The man at church sounds depressed and dislikes himself. Try this next time.

    Look him in the eye seriously and say something like this: I know you like to be different but a crooked tie is just too much for a woman. And then you straighten it, smile, and walk away.

    See if that opens a different door to less resistance.


    • Wow. That is so perfect.

      I just have to wait until he comes out of feral cat mode again.

      The pattern for several months has been that he comes out of hiding, we have moments of friendly conversation, he shares yet again what a lonely loser he is; I remind him again of all his genuinely admirable and manly qualities; I tell him again that my view of him has not changed; I say still admire him and respect him more than any other man I know . . . and then he disappears again.

      Hmm. He and the pastor of my church are really good friends. Should I ask the pastor to suggest counseling for depression?

      Your Highness Edith Mcklveen,
      No, none of your business. You might, however, mention that he senses a loneliness that should not prevail in a church.

      • Well, God is good. Saturday, I sent the man at church a couple of links to stuff on the Internet that I thought would be encouraging to him. Sunday at church, he came up to me and said thanks for doing so.

        I hugged him and said, right in the middle of the main aisle, “You ARE a warrior prince in the kingdom of God. That’s what you are, that’s what God made you to be. It’s in the Bible.”

        He looked a bit embarrassed but happy. He joked with one of my women friends, “Well, I’m more like that little rat in the cartoon (the Disney cartoon about the rat that wanted to be a chef).” I punched him on the arm. “No, you are a warrior king! It’s in the Bible!” I think it made him happy.

        Proverbs 31:12 says, “She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” I know that selfish human beings have a hard time doing what God has made them to do, but I am grateful that I could get in there and say the truth and have it to some degree accepted.

        I recently discovered that the man at church spent some part of his childhood as a member, with his mother, of a religious cult that presented a very inflexible model of what a man should be in a “Christian” family.

        They took the truth and twisted it just enough and hammered it home so that TMAC grew up thinking that anything even slightly different was failure.

        He was the baby of the family; he felt that he had to make up for his father being absent from the home due to work and be extra good and attentive and sensitive so his mother wouldn’t complain and be unhappy and put pressure on him. He had brothers old enough to live on their own who she could have gone to for various reasons, but apparently my friend ended up being the one who got to be mom’s emotional maintenance man 24/7.

        “I’m going to be a better provider than my father. I’m going to be the hardest-working, most attentive, most romantic husband when I grow up. I am going to read minds. My wife will never complain about me.”

        He was a nice guy, and he finished last. His wives complained, he tried to be the perfect husband, they complained more, he tried harder, they divorced him.

        I am just beginning to see the devastation of a man trying to live that way. I am sure, Sir Guy, you can see the tragedy with much more clarity than I can.

        I am so grateful to God and to you, Sir Guy, for giving me enough insight and opportunities to speak healing even though I don’t understand exactly what’s going on.

  4. I did have an opportunity to give him a hug Sunday morning, in the middle of the main aisle in the sanctuary, and say, “You ARE a warrior, a king, a prince in the kingdom of God. That’s how God made you. It’s not just me talking; it’s in the Bible.” He looked embarrassed but pleased. When he made some joke about it, I gave him a big punch on the arm. He still looked pleased.

    I am grateful to God and to you, Sir Guy, to give me opportunities and understanding to live out, in some way, Proverbs 31: 12. “She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”

    Your Highness Edith Mcklveen,
    Nicely done. In the aisle, you were feminine and he liked it. Your punch on the arm was more man-friendly and restored his comfort.

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