2652. — Strategy for Courtship — 05: Where Women Go Wrong—I


Women should treat courtship as a process, theirs. Not men, but relationship experts are the natural processors, the shapers, the bosses who seek courtship success.

Both sides have a mission. Men pursue conquest until their mission changes as the result of experience with her. Either she yields to conquest, he determines that she is more valuable to him than sex with her, or his interest wanes and he drops her. Her mission should be aimed at the option most favorable to her; namely, convince him that she is more valuable than sex. But many women choose wrongly.

A woman starts dating or enters courtship because she’s looking for love, mutual love, endless love, love eternal. Or, she envisions some other version from lessons learned or dreamily perfected in girlhood.

In that way, women routinely choose the wrong mission. They expect to win a man as boyfriend or husband, and do it with her female ability to love him. Because they don’t understand the male nature, they choose wrongly by ignoring common sense.

She gives away her love for too little done by him, and the effect is to minimize both his devotion and her being cherished. OTOH, as he proactively earns her attentions and affections by pleasing her and by letting her have her way, it leads toward his devotion and opens the door to her being cherished. Men want more of something valuable they have to work for, and continually pleasing her increases her value.

To please a woman, a man can open a car door, hold a door open and allow her to enter first, hold her coat for her to put it on, seat her at table, run errands, repair her car, let her have her way, and provide other politenesses. Gallantry and politeness please a female’s need for attention and confirm her importance. OTOH, a man’s actions to do those things, invests his effort on her behalf and slowly percolates in his mind that she’s appreciated and thereby important to him.

Pleasing her enough can be a drawn out process, but it programs his heart to favor her. If he repeats pleasing one woman until habitual, it programs his heart that her presence in his life is satisfying and worthy of greater effort. Thus, pleasing her habitually leads to his becoming devoted to her.

A man doesn’t start dating or courting because he loves or anticipates loving a woman. He starts because he finds her likeable as person, female, sex target, potential wife or friend, and other roles she fills in life. She seldom knows his intentions, however, except after hours, weeks, or months have passed in the company of each other.

Her love of a man can develop fast, freely, and by her self-insistence that it is as she imagines. Not through logic or well reasoned thought, her love arises from emotional connections she senses. It confirms she’s doing the right thing for her right now, or that it matches what she envisioned in girlhood that her love would be like.

Men are quite opposite. Manly love develops in bits and pieces over extended time. He analyzes his actions and one or two emotional connections that seem to satisfy a woman, but do they satisfy him? Trying to be objective with reason and logic, he determines how satisfied he is with himself for sacrificing his interest on her behalf.

Development of a man’s love is also a process, but he’s the processor of three stages. The first two develop sequentially in courtship: devotion and bonded love. His marriage proposal comes after he enters the third stage, true love.

Bringing her love into the open can be the wrong thing in both dating and courtship. It’s much better to let it marinate in background with only his partial and unconfirmed belief that it really exists. Let his imagination soar about her love of him. What he figures out is much more impressive that what he is told. That’s right; she wants to hear three little words but doesn’t fish by saying I love you. She makes her love less obvious and more his target, the ultimate he has to earn if he’s to become worthy of her.

If he fishes to hear I love you, he’s more focused on conquest than on her.

If she’s already worthy of him, where’s his challenge? The more sure he is of her, the less he favors expanding their togetherness. OTOH, mystery triggers his curiosity and opens his imagination to be more certain about his logic, reason, and figuring who and what she is to him. It pressures him to focus on learning more about her qualities that he admires; that is, her virtues that compound into a virtuous woman that men seek to marry. Consequently, the more she triggers his curiosity and imagination, the more time he spends getting to understand her.

It all works best to her advantage, when she as courtship processor gets her way in their life together.

29 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she loses, sex differences

29 responses to “2652. — Strategy for Courtship — 05: Where Women Go Wrong—I

  1. Men are never more handsome than when writing courtship strategies for pretty ladies.

  2. Ash

    Excellent post!

    “Men want more of something valuable they have to work for, and continually pleasing her increases her value.”

    So true.

  3. Well, regarding mystery . . . in my particular situation, it seems to be too late in some ways. For one thing, the man at church knows that I care about him a whole heapin helpin of a lot.

    I would say that being in love with him doesn’t really describe how I feel. I was certainly infatuated initially and quite unhappy for a period of time after he gave me a reality check.

    But admire and respect . . . even when I was pissed off I could not get away from those two responses.

    Now that I have stopped being pissed, I have told him about those responses at every opportunity, giving him hugs when I can. (Hugs–always my initiative, not his.)

    I have found ways for him to earn further admiration and respect by helping me solve problems and move things.

    And I have seen him change in his demeanor.

    But he doesn’t see me as mysterious at all.

    He complained one too many times recently about feeling lonely and isolated and how hard it is to “find someone,” and I pointed out that he did reject a woman who shares his values and is smart, kind, and attractive . . . me.

    He replied, “I didn’t reject you. I love you like Christ loves you.”

    Well, okay. Christ loves me so passionately that he died for me . . . but that’s not how this guy loves me, if he loves me at all.

    It’s what he’s got, and it’s where he’s at. And it is what it is. But there’s no mystery at all in the mix.

    Your Highness Edith Mcklveen,

    Sharing or exposing your love does not recruit a man’s interest. He didn’t have to earn your attention and affection. Consequently, no challenge or opportunity to earn self-admiration.

    You exposed who and what you are relative to him, and so he never developed interest. Sorry, but men don’t act as women wish they would. A woman’s love can not buy a man, only hold him after he has earned it.
    Guy

    • Meow Meow

      If you want to develop mystery you could try (and I know it would be very hard for you) to mentally pull away, stop the hugs, don’t speak much to him or pay much attention to him….be an open book to him no more and genuinely turn your thoughts to other endeavors or concerns for some time. Do some travelling if you need to. And this must be genuine and not a ploy….closing the door on this chapter of your relationship and accepting that whatever you are doing is not getting you what you want (assuming its a romantic relationship). There very likely are matters that need your attention….just consider it a reset of yourself or self-development and see what happens. Keeping some distance automatically creates mystery and maybe if he has feelings for you your absence will allow him to have the time to miss you and your admiration. Maybe he will wonder how you feel or why things have changed. More importantly maybe you will have a new perspective…you be the “feral cat”, or since for women that’s sort of a loaded term, the “shy doe”. showing a side of yourself he hasn’t seen before.

      As soon as I mentally gave up on my crushes they would sense it from my lack of communication and would try frantically to get back in the game….but the best cure for an old crush is a new one and after a few days i wouldn’t care any more!

      My boyfriend (now husband) and i broke up for a couple months. At first sad, I set myself small goals and challenges and went on a few dates to keep occupied. When we got back together I had a different vantage point, felt more confident and knew I could survive without him—the key point was, without yearning, and with acceptance. And because my husband is not an easy man to live with, I still am thankful that I went through that breakup, so that i know I can love him, but not be afraid to walk away from a situation that was more than i could handle. (Sad but not heartbroken….)

      I’m not giving these examples to “brag” or suggest I know how to create attraction for your situation, but rather just to give feedback which I’m guessing you want since you’re posting here. Some of the things you wrote here suggest your man of interest is cluelessly using you as a handy good ol’ sounding board–such as talking about “finding someone” in front of you. I’d never be able to take that kind of pain and continue on with a conversation. Anyway, I know none of these ideas are happy or easy ones. Just some thoughts on how mystery can be developed through your own self development.

      • Miss Gina

        Dear Lady Edith,

        What Lady Meow Meow said.

        It helps to remember that men live in the present, so there is almost always a chance for a reset with them. (Have you ever noticed how easily most males seem to forget offenses and how a boy or man can suddenly be best buddies with a guy he was fistfighting yesterday?)

        They easily forget the past if not reminded of it–and this can cause us so much annoyance–so let’s by all means work that memory thing in our favor when we can.

        • Thank you fellow Keepers of the Mysteries.

          I have received this advice before in response to a different set of concerns.

          You are correct of course. The man at church is haunted by his past. He brings it up to *himself* in conversations with me and others.

          The fact that (from my perspective) he chose wrongly when he chose to be “just friends” is due to that past. He said, when we had our JF discussion, “I just want to be friends with lots of people. I don’t know if I’ll ever get married again.”

          So, yes. I’ve made my points. He has received them and responded. And now, farewell . . .

          I have been trying for several months to stay way in the background, moving forward with as much positive reinforcement as I can muster only when he initiates conversation.

          And I have to say, with women friends to vent to, when the occasion arises, it has not been a bad time.

          (Now, where is my Cloak of Invisibility? . . .)

          • Well, God moves in mysterious ways.

            Today at church after Sunday School, I walked in the sanctuary and saw the man at church sitting right in the spot where I usually sit (three rows in from the pulpit, on the aisle).

            Most Sundays, I share a pew with two of the developmentally disabled adults I teach in Sunday School. But they were not able to attend this morning due to staffing shortages at their group home.

            I came in the back door and saw, way up at the front, that the man in church was sitting in my spot, right in my spot. He normally sits several rows behind me.

            He was facing forward and did not see me. As I watched, he got up and left the sanctuary through one of the exits at the front. Wow, I thought.

            I decided to do what I often do when my pew mates are absent. I went and sat with other friends who also sit behind me.

            TMAC came back in the sanctuary, and I made sure to look at my hymnal, talk to my friends on either side of me, check in my wallet for money for the offering . . .

            During the service I occasionally looked up and saw him striking poses, the same way I do when I know he’s behind me. I thought, “I see ya, Buddy; you bet I see ya.”

            I got a little distracted from the sermon thinking about what kind of comment I could make on his extremely atypical behavior.

            When the service was over, I walked up to him (chatting with a mutual friend) and said in my best Texas drawl (my native state), “You claim jumper! It’s a good thing I didn’t bring my pistol!”

            He laughed; I told him how impressed I was with an idea for decorating the sanctuary he came up with and executed–in honor of spring and Easter, he decorated the plain Presbyterian sanctuary windows with sheets of colored film in really cool colors. And then we went on to talk with other people.

            Oh. My. Goodness.

            It was such a heart-melty moment. And rather than make me feel “okay, now I gotta take advantage of this and really get in his face with how great I am for him . . .” it gave me a feeling of contentment. That brief encounter was all i needed. I am going to wear it as a crown all week long and look in the mirror and smile.

            I am so in admiration with this man. He is so far from being “perfect.” He is so amazing.

  4. msarianne

    My Dear Sir Guy,
    I have read and re-read this article. It is full of wisdom and truth. I wish I had known these things years ago. I have been wanting to write an update on my situation and have been thinking about it a few days. Then today I found out something new which I will mention last. I hope you can impart some of your advice and wisdom to me. (and anyone else that might have some thoughts) I will try to not write a book here. 🙂
    My friend who I mentioned before…his behavior with me has changed since the holidays. He is very playful and sweet, even requesting me to work with him on various projects. Alone. He has begun touching me in a playful way, something he didn’t do much before, pushing my comfort level. Yesterday while being flirtatious-at least that is how I saw it- he almost took off his shirt to show me his muscular upper body, no kidding. He then told me he lives to surprise me.
    He sure did surprise me:
    I found out that he met a woman during his holidays and spent a few days with her. As I have mentioned before, women contact him, that is the dating scene these days I suppose. She is now coming for a visit…she lives a few states away. He has made it clear to me she is not his girlfriend because he says he does not know how their relationship would work out.She has made clear her intentions of wanting their relationship to lead to marriage.( I can take a vacation during that time and am considering it. However, he will know that I am bothered by her being here if I leave)

    And let me say this now, his girlfriends usually do not like me.

    I want to say that many years ago when we were first acquainted he wanted so much of my time that i was overwhelmed and I was naive and made known that I was interested in him. Of course that was not the smart thing to do. After he did not respond like I expected I pulled away and became more reserved in my ways with him. I mean I seriously thought he liked me, he would leave sweet little surprises on my desk, bought me flowers a few times, would leave me lovely notes…

    …..BUT I have found out that he told a girl-who asked about me and our relationship –someone new that contacted him yes, a new girl– that he does not date me because he is not the slightest bit interested nor attracted to me.
    How about that? I am at a loss.

    Sir guy, your advice that a man must EARN a gal to cherish her is spot on…I am holding onto that…

    Your Highness Msarianne,

    If he has conquered you, dump him because it’s coming to you sooner rather than later.

    If not, dump him as a player of your emotions who has no intent to capture you for yourself rather than sex. Sorry, but you don’t play in his present life in such a way that he would be more satisfied with you than in his present life. (Those are the criteria by which a gal can ID if a guy is after her or sex. Can he be more satisfied with himself with her alone in his life than he can be satisfied living by himself?)

    Guy

    • Miss Gina

      Dear Lady Msarianne,

      I would defer to Sir Guy’s judgment here, but unless there is some other post about this man which I haven’t read which characterizes him much differently, I would stay far away. He looks like a player to me.

      Of course he tells another potential love interest that he is not interested in you…players do that. Players also lead women to think they are interested, then hang them out to dry when they respond in kind. Oh, maybe they will string them along for awhile until someone more interesting comes along…

      Do you see how he is doing the same to the girl who wants to marry him that he did to you?

      • Sunset Highway

        It’s a great feeling when the person above says exactly what you were thinking. I was waiting for Sir Guy’s judgement on the matter, but I have to agree. This man sounds like a player. I have been in similar circumstances. Players get sex pretty easily. So when they are courting you – sometimes, it’s not even for the sex. They want to know if they have conquered your emotions. Once you have given them that satisfaction, they lose interest. They are in it for their ego.

        Also, not to sound redundant as the lady above already explained it -when you thought he “liked you very much” or was strongly interested, this is not YOU being delusional. Any woman who received flowers and little notes on her desk would assume a man was interested. The heck are we ladies supposed to think? He gives us flowers and he hates us?? No, you appropriately assumed that he liked you back.

        He told that OTHER GIRL he doesn’t like you at all because he wants to utilize her in some way. Either for ego stroking or sex. Imagine if he told that girl privately that he pines for you at night. That other girl would not be ripe to stroke HIS ego, let alone grant him sexual flavors. He said that to her so he can make her feel special. Not because he never liked you. And I am sure he does not actually like the new girl anyhow.

        • msarianne

          Thank you Lady Sunset!
          His attentions to conquer my emotions is something I had not thought of –and thank you for making me feel that I was not crazy when his actions made me think he liked me.
          Yes this man has an ego, he likes to win and he likes to look good. As I said to Lady Gina, I thought I could outsmart him because I thought his actions spoke louder than his words.

          • I want to say two things.

            First, you CAN outsmart him! That’s a reality this whole blog is dedicated to. You can put him in his place and leave him in the dust. Which is where he needs to be. You can show him what a real woman is and how sad he will be . . . because only a real man will get a real woman. And you are the Real Deal. And he is just a Creep who is not worthy to be in the same universe with you!

            Second, his actions may speak louder than words, but I bet under his breath he is mumbling words like, “Any moment now, she’ll be so hot for me, and her goodies will be ALL mine! For free!” You need to let out your inner Ice Queen. Commoners may not joke, touch, assume familiarity, or in any way demean the royal personage.

            And he may try to make you feel bad for treating yourself well. And he may threaten to leave and whatnot.

            You just say, “Okay, don’t let the palace door smack your butt when you leave.”

            • msarianne

              Thank you Lady Edith for your kind words. You made me laugh and made my day!
              And guess what, I ignored him and today he was following me around trying to get my attention. He followed me all the way into my office. Said a few words so I’d look at him. Helped me with something I was having trouble with. !

              • msarianne

                He could see I was having trouble with a machine and walked over to help me. Men!
                *the phone posted before I was ready*

              • From my point of view, having dealt with players and having met a man who I think is the real deal, a real man respects the boundaries you set. He takes his cue from you about how fast to take the relationship. He’s not always trying to get in your face and manipulate you.

                You need to find yourself a man who isn’t going to play games and waste your time.

                If you don’t make him respect you, he will continue to think that if he just oozes enough charm, he will get everything he wants without having to give up a single thing, especially his freedom.

                I’m not impressed with the way he treats you. You deserve someone who will cherish and protect your heart . . . because he knows that is the only way to win your heart.

      • msarianne

        Thank you Lady Gina!
        I’m afraid that he is indeed a player. I knew to be cautious when I first met him because men don’t stay single as long as he has by accident. I think he knows how to play the game. He’s had many girlfriends. I just thought I could outsmart him.
        I appreciate your wise input. ❤

        • msarianne

          Thank you Lady Edith,
          I appreciate what you say.
          From what I have gathered talking to him a bit the last few days he has NEVER had to earn a girl he has dated. So he is not used to having to do that. Like I said, women ask him out.
          I won’t do that.

    • surferkayjun

      Must agree with everyone else… he’s a loser! 🙂 You deserve better.

    • msarianne

      Thank you Sir Guy for your response. He has not conquered me. I am very chaste and proper around him, regardless of how flirtatious he is with me. He defines our relationships as “good friends.” He is competitive and I think this is his game, but at least in that: I won!
      I have on occasion had to answer the same type of questions from men interested in me because of my work relationship with him…and because he can act possessive of me at times. Most recently due to some Facebook pictures of us that he posted that made me look like I was his girlfriend. He is good isn’t he?!?
      I think I understand what you say that he is not after me for me and not sex. I don’t want to change jobs and I don’t think he is going anywhere either. I will just have to be stronger and more reserved than I have been.
      I appreciate everyone’s input. It gave me a lot to think about and helps me take a step back and re-evaluate the situation.

      Love to all! 🙂

      • Miss Gina

        Dear Msarianne, If he has posted photos of you and him on facebook suggestive of a personal relationship, I would read him the riot act until he takes them down. Mind your boundaries very strictly with this one. Do not let him have one millimeter. Find out your legal tights as far as sexual harrassment. I would be very slow to take any action with the company or legally, but knowing your rights will increase your confidence and help you know what backup you can expect if you need it. This one gets his excitement from crossing boundaries of any kind and playing games with women and if he can’t have you will make sure no other man does. Well, my suggestion is to make sure everyone knows by your actions that you are all business with him. Another good thing to have on hand are a few short, witty, rehearsed comebacks to shut down his aggressive style. You know his patterns and the kinds of things he does that take you off guard. Simply plan for them and take *him* off guard. Then walk away or move on to the next thing.

        • Miss Gina

          Legal rights, lol! On my phone.

          • msarianne

            Thank you Miss Gina.I do not want to stir anything legal about this. It would hurt the company very much and ruin both our reputations or hurt us proffesionally possibly beyond recovery.
            I think I can handle him it is just my feelings that are hurt.
            I like your idea about having witty comebacks ready for when he flirts with me or tries to cross boundaries. He is not dangerous, at least not anymore than a serious player is. Ha!

            • Miss Gina

              I agree, Msarianne. Legal action is rarely the best course. My biggest concern from your description would be that other men would believe you are off limits because he has “claimed” you, though he has no intention of following through in any serious way.

              • msarianne

                Thank you Miss Gina. I did ask him to remove the photo and told him my other male friends were asking me if I was still single.
                Some interesting things have happened the last few days in our relationship. Dropping him was the best advice. He sensed immediately something was off and he has been acting more attentive going back to cooking for me, trying to please me in different ways. It’s not enough though.
                As Sir Guy said he is more pleased with his present life than with just me.

              • My warning siren is going off just a bit.

                I think you could hurt yourself badly if you allow your behavior to be controlled by the idea that the company’s reputation is more important than yours.

                That attitude will keep you from demanding the respect you deserve, and it will affirm Mr. Player’s belief that it is okay to try and manipulate you for sex.

                There are companies that ignore sexual harassment laws and penalize people who report harassment. This is because the people in charge already know about problems with harassment and have been looking the other way for a long time.

                Of course they don’t want the company’s public perceptions to be damaged by the truth . . . because they like having customers and making a profit.

                You need to absolutely know what your rights are regarding sexual harassment. A man posting photos without your permission that give any kind of wrong impression . . . to me, that is INCREDIBLY inappropriate.

                Of course what he posted wasn’t as bad as a photo of you drunk with your ta-tas hanging out, but what he did was still demeaning and disrespectful.

                You need to get atomic-bomb ballistic about him treating you like an object he can use to amuse himself.

                Your value as a woman made in God’s image far exceeds the value of ANY job or ANY company.

  5. I realize that my comments here may seem strident, even (ick) feminist. I am of a certain generation. I have that jargon in me.

    I don’t think it is feminist to say women should value themselves much more than they do, and take it extremely seriously.

    I understand that a woman cannot blame a man for behaving like a man, and that indirectness is the key to protecting a woman’s reputation.

    But inside, inside your heart, you have to have a core of steel, a deep determination to value yourself and set boundaries in such a way that creeps and stalkers and manipulators just never have a chance of getting through.

    Keep the barbarians out of the castle. Don’t let down the drawbridge, not even if one promises you all sorts of wonderful things, including home-cooked meals. Wait for the knight who rides up to the castle on his white horse, dismounts, kneels, and waits for you to acknowledge him as your hero.

    However, I think there has to be a lot of anger expressed to the right people and institutions.

    I really didn’t start really absorbing the message of WWNH until I got REALLY super-angry . . .

    Angry because my culture shamed me for wanting to be fully feminine, fully the smart, sassy, confident person God made me to be.

    Angry because my workplace ridiculed me for NOT wanting to act like a man and work like a man (you know, thinking only of work and killing myself for a paycheck). OR tried to convince me that being feminine was a sign that I was stupid and not worth respect.

    Until I got angry for that kind of treatment, I couldn’t grasp the absolute, rock-bottom value of protecting my heart and my reputation and the importance of waiting for a hero.

    I truly believe I have found one, and God has been gracious in protecting us both from the feminist crap we have floating around in our Baby Boomer minds, but I am very, very angry about being brainwashed. And I don’t think that kind of anger is misplaced.

    I don’t have to scream and protest and get in people’s faces to tell them I will not tolerate disrespect and being treated like somebody’s passing amusement. I just have to have enough righteous fire in me to keep from backing down from my position: I am a queen, I am entirely worthy of respect, and I have zero, zero, zero time for anyone who is not willing to recognize that.

    Your Highness Edith Mcklveen,

    God bless you, darling. You deserve the max attention I can give it: tomorrow’s article.

    If I could, I’d spread your anger generously over every American woman, even those happily married. Everyone needs to read or hear your conviction.

    Guy

    • Sarina

      What a treasure of a comment and it rings of truth. Most women get played and are manipulated. Even feminists, yes, with all their loud and anti-men act, they are often tricked by players into sex and deviancy. How often have I seen women that put out a tough front only to discover they’re used and abused in their private lives. That’s why I love your reasoning: an inside strength, fixed standards that won’t be moved for anyone, regardless of how handsome or charming he is. Beautiful comment, we need to value our character as women, not by being arrogant, but by respecting our bodies and minds.

      I’m saying this, because a really strong, feminine woman is UNHEARD of in our current times.

    • msarianne

      Lady Edith I appreciate your time and the love you show in responding to my post. Thank you for your advice. I am about to post something at Sir Guy’s latest article that i believe is significant in my situation.

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