2659. Strategy for Courtship—06: How Women Do Better—V

I’ve heard it argued that the purpose of courtship is to 1) get to know one another, 2) become friends, and 3) to link up to confirm sexual compatibility. I’ve heard women rationalize all three, but I disagree as contrary to female interest.

Courtship should be much more directed and purposeful and with those objectives left alone to develop in the background. Why? Because they work against a gal’s interest even though she is in charge of courtship.

1) Getting to know one another adds self-pressure that leads her directly or indirectly into full disclosure; it’s not good. To a man, he knows her well enough or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t and it’s his call, then he likely seeks to find out more or else he drops her. If he does know her, he doesn’t want to hear her described differently. He appreciates what he figure out more than what he’s told.

2) Trying to become friends adds pressure to her to talk and sell herself; it’s even worse. He’s uncomfortable discussing the subject of being friends. What does that mean to her? What does she expect? If she wants to be friends, he doesn’t care; he wants her in bed. If it’s for friend with benefits, it’s okay. He loses any interest in marriage that may have arisen, however. How many more FOBs are around to show up later?

3) She weakens herself by allowing the subject of sex to be opened. By allowing him to talk about and promote thoughts of sexual compatibility, he talks up the benefits of her yielding until she feels bad as the seller who denies yielding even though he pays her supplicant price. She far too easily can be talked over time to abandon promises to herself built on standards and principles that aid women to get their way with men.

Further, for her to test compatibility is to yield to his conquest; he no longer needs to sell himself to her. He bought her cheaply by paying her price, which means he sold her into buying into him without his buying into her.

Men, however, respect more the woman who protects herself better by refusing to provide sex, and his love is based on respect. What else does she have that he wants, if she so easily and cheaply sold her most prized possession? If he can cheapen her so easily, so can other guys. If he marries her, how and when will FOBs or other supplicants appear and …?


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, Hook up and..., How she loses, Sociology 101

7 responses to “2659. Strategy for Courtship—06: How Women Do Better—V

  1. monica

    Mr. Guy! I need your advice! Do you have a blog post about bringing up the subject about paying for bills once the couple is married?
    My boyfriend and I are planning to marry this year. I have been chaste and he has paid for all dates, however I am worried he will expect me to contribute to household expenses once married since I earn money as well. I want him to be the provider and my money to be saved for savings. Unfortunately, He has heard horror stories where other couples did it this way (man payed and woman saved) and how they were wronged when they were divorced.
    I have not brought up the subject lately and neither has he, I have nothing to complain in courtship financially since he has always provided, but it has been an adjustment for him since his former girlfriends did pay from time to time.
    Should i be subtle about this? Or direct?
    Thank you Mr. Guy!!

    Your Highness Monica,

    I’ve written no blog articles like that; it’s not consistent with the blog theme. Moreover, I’m not sure it’s something that will work unless he’s so into you that even conquest fades away in his agenda.

    I can’t tell you what to do, but I will offer considerations based solely on how men and women are born differently and you may find support or a solution to justify your intent.

    1. As the woman, except as you don’t act like it, you are in charge during courtship and marriage. But you have a lot of selling to do.

    2. You’re born to get your way, but of course so is he. However, he will yield more easily, since he’s not conquered you. By keeping your legs crossed, you can get your way much more easily.

    3. A man won’t compete with a woman after conquest, so you’re free to compete to get your way. He won’t fight back very hard, but you’re still asking an awful lot.

    4. He lives primarily in the present and admires himself when he can keep his word. You live in the future, and so plans for how to handle resouces is proper before marriage.

    5. You can be direct in a chaste courtship but should yield to be indirect after conquest.

    6. Don’t try to be like his former girlfriends. Actually, try to remain uniquely different. You’re not worth much if you’re comparable to those he’s thrown out.

    7. That he continues to adjust to paying for everything is a good sign; he wants you more than the other gals.

    8. Men are designed to rule their world; they hire wives to run it though. His rule doesn’t mean much if he has no one to manage the myriad of little things that arise every day.

    9. Define the future you plan for and be able to show how it will brighten your future together. IOW, what, when, why, and how will you spend the savings? He has to find agreement with you, or he won’t buy in.

    10. Teach him: To plan for divorce acknowledges that its expected. Just anticipating it can trigger the self-fufilling prophecy, which is very powerful. You plan to prevent divorce. You plan to avoid it by standarding the way you handle financial matters long before they come up. IOW, you both learn to live up to something bigger than yourselves: your vision of a brighter future that can arise out of huge savings.

    11. OTOH, don’t promise that the savings will be split should divorce become fact. To promise is to accept it, and he can always strike at you by divorcing over issues that don’t deserve it. It’s an unresolvable issue, and I don’t know how to overcome it.

    Have a number of reasons why you’re right on the issue and strongly supportive of his leadership. He’s not wrong, he just sees things differently because he’s a man and you’re a woman.

    I suggest you tell him of your plan as if you’re running the marriage boat at this time. Have a number of reasons why you’re right; he’s not wrong and just sees things differently. IOW, it’s your right to help shape the marriage, build your future together, not enhance the present lifestyle just because there’s more income, satisfy him better if your hand guards your future together, and it’s an easy way to facilitate a savings program for the future rather than overspending out of marital excitement. All of which you deem absolutely essential to your future success together.

    • Give him advance notice of your thinking without claiming it more than a dream. He needs a lot of time to figure out the consequences. Pay close attention to whatever he says about it. Let him unload, at least, all the matters about which he objects. Then, you can tackle each at your discretion and with your talent and skill.

    • Your proposal starts out by saying you don’t trust him. Trust and respect go hand-in-hand as reciprocals, which also means he takes it as lack of respect. You can more easily trust than he can, so don’t expect it to be easy.

    • You are asking him to trust you, but not showing much respect that would buy his trust. What you otherwise promise him in married life with you may show your respect and help gain his trust.

    Moreover, you sound particularly dedicated to getting your way. You may want to take it easier and use more patience. Let me know if it works and how you did it.


    • monica

      Thank you Mr. Guy! I have a lot of thinking to do. I am very happy with him, but I won’t lie, I hear some friends brag about their generous husbands and I want the same for me. I guess I am putting the horse before the cart. I need to take it one step at a time and trust in him, as he has given me no reason to doubt him.

      Your Highness Monica,
      Good thinking. Sign of maturity.

  2. Meow Meow

    Sir Guy,
    I have a question similar to Monica’s. i would like to try to live on whatever my husband brings in and save 1/2 of what I bring in. We have no savings at all (gone in the Recession) and are older so this is my last ditch attempt to put something away for emergencies and also future expenses like car (ours are falling apart now), a home repair etc. It would be incredibly hard because our combined income is so low (and it may not even be possible.) What is the best way to bring up my idea? Or should I just put money away as a generic “Rainy Day Fund” and don’t talk to him or at least don’t make a big deal of it? I know honesty is the best policy but when I try to discuss finances my husband just gets annoyed: he feels guilty we don’t have enough so its end of discussion and he walks away with no decision made… But if someone doesn’t start taking action for our future it will be too late. Maybe it is already, but I have kids to think of and I have to try something. We’ve been living paycheck to paycheck for years now.

    Your Highness Meow Meow,
    Your Rainy Day Fund is far superior and has best chance for your success getting done what you want done.

    • Meow Meow

      Thanks Sir Guy. I guess I should think of it as ‘indirectness” at work! Its not that I will be hiding it but just not making a big fussy deal of it either…..it will just be “there.” I also thought “Rainy Day Fund’ sounds a bit less threatening or guilt-inducing then ‘Emergency Fund”!

  3. “Men, however, respect more the woman who protects herself better by refusing to provide sex, and his love is based on respect. What else does she have that he wants, if she so easily and cheaply sold her most prized possession? If he can cheapen her so easily, so can other guys. If he marries her, how and when will FOBs or other supplicants appear and …?”

    Amen, amen, amen. Respect is better than love. I have gone after love, and I have been disrespected terribly. I have waited for respect, and I have gotten it.

    • Femme

      Lady Edith
      I have had the same experience as you. When a man told me once he wanted to respect me it really freaked me out… I couldn’t understand why he would say this to me. I expected “I love you”, but “I want to treat you right and respect you”?. I didn’t know what to do with that statement. I also did everything in my power for him to stop respecting me… of course not knowingly. I know better now.

  4. Femme

    Sir Guy,
    you said that:
    “Courtship should be much more directed and purposeful”.
    Could you elaborate a bit more on that?
    Thank you.

    Your Highness Femme,
    “Courtship should be much more directed and purposeful” than get to know someone, become friends, or link up to determine compatibility. A woman has to figure out who she’s dealing with and how to get her way in the long range if not the short term. Only she knows her purpose and direction.

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