2666. Women’s Happiness Is a Daily Process


Here’s another view of how women succeed or don’t succeed in life. If you recall, post 806 describes the pathway to female happiness, and this is part of how it works.

Life is a process and the female nature is designed to enable each woman to capitalize on it. Her inborn motivational forces push her around inside a model that looks remarkably like this.

She’s born with self-love, knows that she’s pretty, and has an endless urge to get her way associating with others. Sprouting out of self-love is self-gratitude for being alive with so much to give away or share with others, to be good by doing good, to get her way over matters for which she feels responsible. Note that self-gratitude stirs her to action more than desire to love. Who wants to love someone or something, if one can’t first be grateful for how they fit into one’s life? (It’s why she’s not likely to love a man who constantly irritates or criticizes her; she can’t be grateful for herself when she’s uncomfortable with him.)

Unless ruined by nincompoops in childhood, self-love and prettiness are permanent. Both bless her with self-gratitude that is, however, not permanent but subject to the surprises and moods of life. If her self-gratitude is weakened, she can’t give what she does not possess. And so, her relationship effectiveness also weakens.

When she is grateful for herself, 1) she gets her way by showing gratitude for others, 2) thereby appears important to them, 3) which confirms her primal motivational objective to reap self-importance, 4) which enlarges her self-gratitude, and 5) which gives her more of her “grateful charm” to spread around.

The more gratitude she spreads around, the more good that she does, and the better person she becomes. God designed her to become a better person, or doing so would not be pursued and so highly valued among women.

Consequently, the essence of female happiness is her gratitude, and the root is the daily “happys” that she earns. Doing her best eliminates self-doubt and -criticism.

Remember, that’s the design that women inherit at birth. If not followed somewhat along those lines, her relationships deteriorate. Looking at the behavior of modern women, my diagnosis is that they severely lack self-gratitude and thus hamstring themselves from an enjoyable life doing what women do so well (and men don’t do at all).

——

P.S. If she focuses on spreading her gratefulness, love will take care of itself. How do I know? A woman’s love doesn’t bond a man; he doesn’t think he deserves it. However, her gratitude comes across that he has value, may be admired, and suggests he’s good enough that she can depend on him. Those conditions are more satisfying than even her love.

9 Comments

Filed under Dear daughter, feminine, How she wins, nurturing, sex differences, The mind

9 responses to “2666. Women’s Happiness Is a Daily Process

  1. I am grateful for men who are never more handsome than when they are writing insightful blog posts.

    Sir Guy, when you described the 2 year itch, 7 year glitch, 20 year ditch – does the two year countdown start from the time they first met / started dating or the from the time they got married?

    Of the 2, 7, and 20 which time period would you say was the most likely time a man considers leaving?

  2. Meow Meow

    “Who wants to love someone or something, if one can’t first be grateful for how they fit into one’s life? (It’s why she’s not likely to love a man who constantly irritates or criticizes her; she can’t be grateful for herself when she’s uncomfortable with him.)” So true!

    Despite my attempt to move away from being the “workhorse” of the family, my husband keeps trying to guilt me into working full-time, which would leave most of the household chores undone as well as the issue of who would look after our school-age child. (I work 3 part time jobs, which between them bring in half the household income. He has one part-time job.)

    I want to avoid a broken home, but I also don’t want to step back into that main breadwinner role. My special-needs kid and our home suffered with me at the office 60 hours a week and I was sad. I’m not inherently ambitious and I tried to make it clear I was doing this as emergency/backup only when my husband initially lost his full-time job. Now he claims I am being entitled because I politely refuse to find full-time work, as i finally make a decent wage working around school hours and he brings in the other half. But hubby wants more money, and sees me as the one to make it! I feel unappreciated for the care I give our home and child, as well as making half of our income, and i’m scared he’ll go ahead and divorce me over my reticence to work that hard again. (Although a divorce would bring me more peace and rest than i’m getting: I am exhausted from 14 years of 60-hour workweeks) Unfortunately, I live in fear now of not doing “enough” as he sees it and its indeed getting hard to love someone who feels that way about you despite the good you try to do. Its also hard to be grateful for yourself, as you describe above.

    Maybe he wanted a career woman all along. i wish he could see the unpaid work I do as valuable, as truly “having his back.” While hoping he’ll understand someday, I try to buck up and stick to what I believe is indeed very important work. I’ll return to full-time employment after my kid is done with school. But when my husband pushes me to find a full-time job, how can I kindly turn that responsibility back into his hands? More power to him if he wants to make more money to pay off our debts…i tried so hard but the money always disappeared and at the end of it we were no better than when we started. He does want full-time work, and I think he is taking his dissatisfaction with himself out on me. We seem to discuss this at least once a month. How can I feel satisfied with myself when I see he is not satisfied with me? Or am I just dead wrong on this?

    Your Highness Meow Meow,

    You’re not wrong but he’s controlling the shots that make you miserable. It’s risky, but you have to get him thinking about building rather than tearing down your marriage. He finds all the fault with you, and you’ve reached the end of your rope.

    I suggest you tell him something like this:

    • I am unable to keep you satisfied as man or husband. I am never good enough.

    • I am unable to keep you satisfied living with me. I am never good enough.

    • As the result, you aren’t satisfied with yourself as husband, father, or man, yet you depend on me to fill whatever gaps exist in you. I simply can’t.

    • My misery gets worse instead of better. Your misery seems to follow suit, or else my misery reflects off yours. Either way, the discomfort is no longer tolerable. You have invested some of yourself; is it too much to walk away from? I have invested too much and am now willing to toss it. Our emotional connections wilt and wither each day. I propose we change it the only way I know how.

    • What say we just call it a day. I think we should consider parting company. What do you think? Shall we work up a time schedule for separating, etc.?

    • Don’t blame him or point your finger at anything he does or doesn’t do. If he asks, as he certainly will, just stick to your misery, lack of motivation to invest more of yourself to the marital connection, and unwillingness to continue.

    It’s risky, he may agree that you should part, which is a good indicator that you don’t really have him now. Some people prefer the certainty of misery to the discomfort, misery, or fear of change. Showing no fear of losing him may in fact earn you some respect, which you certainly lack as indicated in the way he plays you.

    I can’t say whether you should do it or not. But you have to get and hold his attention until you can get some things changed. It’s all your call to make and govern.

    Guy

    P.S. Comments nearby from My Husband’s Wife sound much more promising that do mine here. So, I recommend hers to be superior at this time, that is until you find them unworkable.
    G.

    • My Husband's Wife

      Hello Meow Meow! Your comment has stuck with me and I’ve been thinking about you! I know of several women who are facing the same dilemma as you describe and it’s a tough one to get through. Hopefully I can offer some thoughts to get you unstuck.

      What I think happens in marriage, is that when husband and wife disagree, they get caught in a continuous loop of responses to each other and get nowhere, which it seems like you’re experiencing right now. In your case, you both agree that you need more income (Great! You’re on the same page). However, you differ on the solution (he wants you to work full time, you don’t) so you’re opposing each other, so therefore, now you’re not on the “same team.” So then come the negative effects of that: he shifts guilt off him (as men naturally do) and onto you, then you get resentful towards him and the wall builds between you both.

      Since it’s the wife’s job to “merge” interests, I wonder if there is way that you can do this to somehow get out of the negative loop by pivoting another way that’s unexpected and surprising to him—yet not outwardly disagreeing with him (as it’s not working in your favor)? The “how” would be up to you as only you know him and your situation best.

      I also wonder if the last time you took full time work on, in his mind, you did it so well (by all appearances to him, we ladies hide from others what’s really going on inside very well) that he didn’t think anything of asking you to do it again—and he just doesn’t realize the toll and negative long term effects it has on you and the family as his needs aren’t that great—a place to flop, food, and some sex 😉

      Maybe an approach is coming up with your “full time work plan” that shows you can’t do all the extra home things you’re now doing. In essence it’s saying: “Sure honey, I’ll work full time. You won’t mind making dinners, doing laundry, taking the kids to school, etc…, now will you? I won’t have time for these things I’ve just outlined to you once I’ve taken on a FOURTH job!” And if you get full time work, stick to your guns and not do any of the things you said you couldn’t do. That way, you’re not overwhelmed, and it puts more in HIS hands. My guess is that will get old pretty fast for him. You might have to be willing to see your home fall apart for a while. So putting out your limits if you were to work full time might help and look VERY unattractive to him…and he may rethink going there. In fact, Sir Guy did a really amazing letter from Wife to Husband regarding going back to work full time. I don’t know if you saw it in the comments a while back. I loved the approach, perfectly worded as usual per Sir Guy!

      Another thought, would there be any type of work that you could do from home that you love or have been dreaming about? It might be a way for him to see that you’re trying and to also keep your priorities about being at home. And maybe if it’s work that inspires you, it won’t be such drudge and you could eventually quit some of the other jobs.

      It’s hard to do, but I’m finding out that we’ve chosen our husbands to be the CEOs of the household—for better or for worse sometimes, so it’s for us to put a lot of our problems in their lap, and let them be that ultimate decision maker, and then trust…

      Anyway, if anyone has any different thoughts on how to solve a disagreement with hubby and merge interests, I’d love to know as I’m still working on this one 🙂

      Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,
      Excellent as usual.
      Guy

      • Meow Meow

        Thank you both Sir Guy and MHW for your thoughtful responses! Yes it is a scary situation to be in— I have to run the risk of losing the future I dreamed of because the present is untenable. Clearly I’m pretty tired, otherwise I wouldn’t be thinking this way. Sir Guy you are right–we had a conversation that became a fight about our lack of money and my husband threatened he “didn’t want to be in a relationship like this”. I said that I loved him, but that I wasn’t afraid to be on my own again, either, and that our family needs his leadership. He blustered, but I could tell it set him back a bit. I wasn’t kidding.

        Actually one of my jobs is at home, (it is inspiring, too (artwork/writing)) and its the one that is earning the most money. I actually make 2/3 of our income. Hubby’s part time job is also at home. When I was working full time, yes, the house DID fall apart! And so did my kid, which scared me so bad that I don’t see myself as returning to work full-time until after High School. At least this way, I get to tend to my family/home some of the time. I’m not making very much, enough to get by on—just not enough to address our debt or do more than paycheck to paycheck. Frankly I’m bewildered why my husband isn’t willing to jump in and take on more of the financial responsibility, so I don’t feel like my family is doomed without my income, but he never has an answer for that. I just don’t feel feminine when my man is a dependent on me–it makes me feel like he’s a man-child! In most other ways he is extremely chivalrous, pulls out my chair, gets me my coat, holds hands in public, is handy with physical things, and tireless (I think he has a better constitution that I do!) but where I am most needy for him to gallantly take charge, he has not for years, making excuses/denying the severity of our problems, and is also not willing to listen to any idea such as going to a financial planner together. Its his way or NO way. Last weekend there was yet another angry outburst about me “frittering my time away” and not looking for full-time employment…..but to me the certainty of misery is now worse than the uncertainty of change, so I am unwilling to do more work than I already am, no disrespect intended. I am trying to stop being a doormat. Barely sleep as it is.

        His new tack is to say, well, money isn’t everything, after all a happy life is most important. Anything but what I
        hope to hear—“Honey, we have some serious cash problems. But don’t worry. I’m going to handle it. I promise you will never have to work so hard again.”

        (MHW—You do remind me Sir Guy had written an article about a similar situation, so I will try to find it.)

        Your Highness Meow Meow,

        You might check out these articles: 2265, 1838, 2472, 1946.

        It’s only a guess from this distance. But I suspect his sense of significance—self-satisfaction (who and what he has done) and sense of self-worth (his value as a producer), in the role of man/husband has been torn down by you, him, or circumstances. He can’t find the motivating energy to stick his neck out for fear of further denigrating his personal worth, or ego if you prefer.

        Guy

        • Femme

          Dear Lady Meow Meow,
          this was the block I stumbled on in my marriage too. Yours could have been my story except I have 2 children and there was not even civility on my ex husband’s part.
          I was blamed for virtually everything and anything, expected to at the same time raise 2 children, go to work, have another child and do my husbands accounts. When I said I wanted to stay at home with my daughter till she started Reception, he said I should turn her over to a nanny because a nanny was better qualified to look after her (so my salary would have to go towards that). He tried getting me to falsely declare our separation so that I could claim social security, I refused. Then at age 38 he announced he was retiring soon. All the time I was also told repeatedly that I’m unemployed and unemployable, ugly and fat… In retrospect, I realise it was all projection. HE is the fat one, and unemployable in the sense that he can’t bear a boss or manager above him who would tell him what to do. For a year he went out to “work” early in the morning and came back late at night. I found out 2 years later that he only did a few hours’ work a week in that year because he was in constant conflict with his employer and the man stopped giving him jobs. He ran a credit card debt of thousands of pounds and then tried claiming it was because of the holidays we took a few years earlier – total nonsense because for the holiday we had saved up cash. He had also not signed a contract with a gas supplier when we moved in because – due to no fault of ours – our meter wasn’t registered. However it was our responsibility to report the fact and register it and sign a contract… As a result, I got contacted after 14 years of occupancy (after he moved out) and ordered to pay the debt.
          The list goes on.
          All those years I tried not rocking the boat for the sake of the family and children, but eventually I realised that if I didn’t find a job and take charge of the finances we would soon be in deep trouble.
          I separated from him if only to be able to find some emotional balance and strength to carry on.
          It took me almost 4 years to get back on my own feet, and now I’m employed and just about to get a pay rise… Turns out I’m actually employable even though beneath my qualifications…But I have decided, like you, to put the children first for as long as they need me. That means a part time job for the time being and not in my chosen career.
          Looking back, I think the red flags were there but I chose to ignore them – or rather, I thought love could conquer all.
          When me and my future husband met, I was working 13 hrs a day in a low paid job very much below my capabilities because I was a newly arrived immigrant and that was all I could do at the time.
          I came home after him and he was the one who did some cooking occasionally and the washing up… And actually, perhaps that was what he envisioned our entire married life would be like. With me being at work and him in the house. It all changed when I was 7 months pregnant with our son, 2 years after getting married. I stopped working.
          To this day I don’t know exactly what went wrong and why.
          After the separation, he tried very hard for about 3 months for us to get back together. All of a sudden he knew exactly what a husband is supposed to do…! Without me saying a word. I had simply given up complaining and decided I needed to start building a life for myself and the children from scratch.
          But at that point I was just too scared of going back to the status quo without securing a job and building a network of supportive people first. I was afraid in no time he would start tearing me down again as soon as I got back with him.
          Since then not a day goes by when I don’t ask myself if I could have done things differently, better.
          I DID put our problems in his lap, and it backfired badly. At least from my point of view. From his perspective, nothing was wrong. Only when problems ensued as a result of HIS decision making, I was the one left to mop them up – to the point of getting in trouble with the law if I didn’t.
          I hope the advice you got from MHW is going to help. I am more in charge of my life now than ever before, but a divorce was not the future I envisioned when I was getting married… It doesn’t really solve a lot of problems as long as you have children. The best outcome really would be for the man to start pulling his weight, and I hope you manage to bring it about with the advice of Sir Guy and others.

        • Meow Meow

          Thanks for the articles/tips Sir Guy. I will peruse them soon!

          Yes the Great Recession was brutal for us and resulted in my (older) hubby being shut out of the work force for years from a great job he loved, so I would say circumstances created the conditions under which we lost everything. But he then blamed himself and became a very angry person, causing the cycle of joblessness to continue, and took it out on me. He resented that I still was lucky enough to find work, than I guess decided to take advantage of it and his own job hunt turned into passive excuses.

          After years i broke down, couldn’t take it anymore and finally started making “suggestions” that turned into nagging about him finding work. (In my defense I have never blamed him about the circumstances of his job loss because of the Recession, but regardless how it happened the family needs him to do something about it!) i was silent for years because I couldn’t believe he would put me in this situation…surely he would snap out of it! The man I loved would never treat me like a workhorse! Sadly it has become a way of life for him to live off my income while contributing once in awhile if a job happens to fall into his lap. We are older people so I am accepting that we will never recover financially, but I just can’t go all out anymore. My health is now suffering. And I need time to be home with my family. The way I see it I don’t have much to lose anymore.

          I should have been smarter sooner and seen the unhealthy dynamic that we both created. Love is foolish sometimes and we had many happy years together so I was blindsided by his depression and rage. i will say its cautionary for me in future—its true that a man needs work to be happy and be able to be satisfied with himself. And a woman needs to be valued for who she is, not just what she can do.
          I do encourage whatever my husband can do, and he is good at handyman stuff to make our home safer and better and save us some money, too. I make sure i appreciate him for that. Meanwhile, i need to hold my course and not be swayed from it.

          Femme, your ex sounds like a walking nightmare. i don’t blame you at all for eventually divorcing and your situation sounds much more complicated than mine. The scary thing is the transference of responsibility squarely onto your shoulders and the lawless behavior. I can only say some people will only realize how lucky they had it after you walk away. But it does make a girl wary about future entanglements…and it must be so hard getting by with the kids. I think they will understand in time even if its hard right now. Sending a virtual hug!

          • Femme

            Lady Meow Meow, hugs to you too. Thank you for reminding me that men are supposed to do meaningful work and women need time and opportunity to connect with who they are and be valued more for it rather than being the doer all the time.
            It wasn’t easy then and it isn’t easy now but at least I’m not constantly blamed for everything that may go wrong and my confidence has grown.
            It doesn’t feel good to have to be both the father and the mother though.
            If I knew of this blog before the situation deteriorated to the point of no return, I would have done things differently. Or at least I think so now.
            Anyway, what is more scary to me than how my marriage ended is the general trend and what it means for our children (especially daughters) and their children.

  3. Eliza

    Very beautiful said Sir Guy. I truly agree when you mentioned ” (It’s why she’s not likely to love a man who constantly irritates or criticizes her; she can’t be grateful for herself when she’s uncomfortable with him.)” I had an ex bf who would a few times in our relationship would put me down, criticizes my appearance “not being pretty enough”, reminding me of his past ex gf’s, finding something wrong with me, etc. I couldn’t love him after that. I couldn’t show him all I have to give. At one point I did believe him and it made ungrateful because like you mention I was uncomfortable with him. But I now know I’m none of those things he mention, shortly after I cut him out off my life. After that I became more grateful, loving myself more, happier, I started to find myself little by little again.

    Your Highness Eliza,
    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to What Women Never Hear.
    Guy

  4. Femme

    Sir Guy,
    this is so true:
    “It’s why she’s not likely to love a man who constantly irritates or criticizes her; she can’t be grateful for herself when she’s uncomfortable with him.”
    You’ve just helped me solve a riddle; but I would say that this is probably true about all people who criticise and irritate (children excluded).

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