2692. Tradeoffs in Marriage #05

  1. He’s responsible to keep their marriage intact. She’s responsible to keep their relationship intact. Call it subordination if you will, but the arrangement exploits the abilities of both in the best way. (Also, domains function most reliably when there’s only one boss.)
  2. Necessity is the mother of a wife’s stream of actions. Frustration is the father of trying to get husband to please her as if he’s a woman.
  3. Wives seek to be happy. It arises when she acts grateful for who she is and what she has. Husbands seek to be comfortable in life away from job. It comes with his planning and freedom from interruptions.
  4. Wife seeks to be loved, cherished, and glorified as important in her multitude of duties. Husband seeks to be admired, respected, and depended upon for what he contributes as the essential man.
  5. Husband expects fidelity, respect, and admiration and even more than her love. Wife expects displays of affectionate love, recognition of her importance, and support to get her way in relationship and domestic matters. (The pressures from feminists teach men that “I love you” is usually enough, however insincere it may be.)
  6. Convinced wife can do better at what she does, husband corrects what he sees as inefficient or ineffective. Knowing it will take decades to improve him, wife ignores his shortcomings.
  7. Men do womanly things when it’s their own idea. It takes a good woman to convince husband that his ideas are more worthy than his expenditure of effort.


Filed under Dear daughter, marriage, sex differences

2 responses to “2692. Tradeoffs in Marriage #05

  1. Preach it.

    I think for both men and women change is a lifetime and necessary process.

    Or maybe maturity is a better term. C. S. Lewis says in his book Mere Christianity, “We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.”

    C. S. Lewis was a man. He was politically conservative. He was (and is) considered a misogynist by a lot of people, but if you read his writings carefully, it’s clear he deeply respected his women friends. And he married a really brilliant American woman writer. And when she died, he was crushed.

    Changing according to liberal psychology and feminist politics is not a matter of maturing. It is a matter of group A changing in personality and motivation to make group B feel comfortable in a state of immaturity.

    My friend the man at church said, when we had our “just friends” conversation two years ago, “I am who I am, and I am not going to change.”

    Even with all his quirks, it is precisely because of Who He Is that I admire and respect him. Personality, experiences, education, interests . . . they all make for an amazing, amazing man.

    Thing is that, in his current state thanks to two divorces he did NOT seek, and due to some other life events, he strives to live as a confident, generous, creative, loyal, hard-working, godly man.

    But when he is tired, when he’s had a hard day, when he takes a risk of some kind and things don’t work out, the FREAKING SELF-PITY pours out of him like water out of a fire hose.

    I had a phone conversation with him yesterday where he kept whining, and I ended up yelling at him at the top of my lungs, “YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!”

    I e-mailed and apologized, but as you might imagine, he’s definitely gone off my radar.

    My concern is that he definitely needs to change in some way so that he acts like God made him to act. Focused on present possibilities, on taking on challenges in the moment, not moaning (as he does so much) about how he will have a future of loneliness and failure just like his present of loneliness and failure.

    I don’t want to change who he is, what his personality is, what his experiences are and have been.

    And it is not my responsibility to “make” him embrace the fullness of who God has made him to be.

    But he has to get his head out of his butt and stop using his intestinal lining as his guide to what kind of life he has or is going to have.

    I am so willing to wait for him to re-align his anatomy so that he is standing upright, but I can’t think of a way to respond to him that DOESN’T sound like nagging or criticism or rejection.

  2. Sarabeth

    Hi Guy,

    You are so right about “don’t explain and don’t complain.” I made the mistake of being a martyr at work by working long hours and missing out on clubs I normally participate in after work. While my boss was pleased, I realized internally I was not. However instead of taking care of those feelings, I let it fester. I didn’t realize how bad it was festering until because I went on a date with my boyfriend. He asked me about my week and I answered “work has been keeping me pretty busy.” His response shocked me. He said “wow, this is the first time I’ve heard you complain.” I laughed. I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t think I was outright complaining but I admit I was looking for sympathy. He followed up with more questions on the subject, like how I felt about my coworkers and the snacks lol. I answered in the affirmative. Do you think I recovered sufficiently?

    Moving forward, I will not be martyring myself ever. It puts me in a bad mindset where I feel like I can’t trust myself to take care of me so I have to look outside of myself for validation and confirmation. My boyfriend of a year was not pleased with my complaint however subtle. Lastly, the hours I put in turned out to be in vain when the team decided to move in a different direction the next morning. Martyr no more.

    Your Highness Sarabeth,
    You recovered marvelously. Even more impressive is how you tied it together. Complainants look for sympathy. Martyrdom overloads a person, discourages self-worth, and few read their sacrifice messages as intended.

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