2711. Who Gets Their Way?


Both sexes are born to get their way associating with others. Consequently, competition arises as the primary motivational force in human interaction. When a couple actively competes to resolve disagreements or issues, the man tends to win. It’s his inborn nature not to lose to a weaker force. He pushes to win with ambition backed up by strong desire to not lose should winning escape him.

Women recognize their inferior position in straight-up competition, and so they find strength elsewhere. By replacing competition with cooperation in a relationship, women tend to get their way much more often. Thus, the weaker sex strengthens itself. By doing so, girls and women more easily disrupt or thwart male-female competition. Girls learn the art so early in life that it acts as part of their nature; it can be seen even among toddlers.

Men push hard to get their way when competing, but they don’t relish competing with their woman or wife. They fear losing, and so they are susceptible to female cooperation. When women use cooperation and let men win in short-run matters, it enables them to win in the long run by shaping future decisions to more easily get their way. Upcoming opportunities add pressure for her to more easily yield on current issues and figure out how to shape the long range together such that she wins later.

Over time and with practice, a wife’s sense of cooperation to get her way can overcome husband’s expectation that dominance, authority, and command will get his way. Women have the relationship expertise and a bedrock principle empowers their nature—she enables him to rule on present day issues, and she shapes their future together to enable her to rule on upcoming matters. Moreover, the more she focuses her daily life thinking about future events and expectations, the better prepared she is to prevent some disagreements and relationship disruptions from ever arising.

That bedrock principle provides the superior gender with endless opportunities to outwit, outsmart, and outmaneuver the dominant gender. When adopted by women, it enables them to dominate relationships in the background. Foreground seems occupied by husband and wife, but wife and mother surround husband/father with helpful negotiating pressures operating in background, many of which he may be unaware.

Women give a little now to get a lot later. For men, however, the urge to dominate present-day issues squelches consideration about the long run. Men figure they can handle whatever comes when it comes, and women gain the planning advantage.

Going further, ever-smarter wives persuade husbands to collaborate, in which case both sides yield enough that both win routinely.

Compete, cooperate, and collaborate. Men can and do specialize in doing the first. The drive to get her way urges women to dodge the first and focus on the latter two. It’s another part of how the superior gender lives compatibly with the dominant gender, since both expect to get their way in matters of mutual interest.

16 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she wins, marriage, The mind

16 responses to “2711. Who Gets Their Way?

  1. Femme

    Sir Guy,
    I can’t get my head around this: how can a woman let a man have his way in the present to get her way in the future?
    The future gets shaped by the decisions we make today…
    I was burnt badly by letting a man have his way on every day matters and have been mopping up ever since.
    Not criticising what you said, just wondering where it went wrong.
    Also, on another note: what is a woman to do when she has noticed an attractive (and much more outgoing and self confident) co worker likes the same man as she does?

    Your Highness Femme,

    Right, the future gets shaped by the decisions we make today. It’s why she should get involved in present-day decisions. Stand up for herself and negotiate the best she can to get her way. Even if she wants him to get his way in some decision, she can negotiate or plan how she will shape the future about a related subject.

    She negotiates to get the best deal for her satisfaction today and every day and figures how she can get her way better sometime or the next time. She has all the talent for figuring out the future as he focuses his thinking on present matters and events.

    This is not to put them on a wartime footing. Just to get her to stand up for herself in all matters, and then she has the future to work on satisfying herself to a greater degree.

    Guy

    P.S. About the other woman. Outcompete her. Dress and groom more attractively. Stand up for yourself without making noise about it. Smile more. Be more mysterious.
    G.

    • Beloved

      As far as the other woman being more outgoing and confident, some men like shy and vulnerable. What is your opinion on that Sir Guy?

      Your Highness Beloved,

      You are correct about what some men like.

      My opinion is not about men. It all has to do with women, because the world revolves around the superior gender.

      A woman’s personality, character, and actions should merge into one attractive and mysterious creature. Outgoing woman trying to fake shyness and shy woman trying to exude excess confidence come across as phonies, which implies desperate, which turns men off. Men are turned on by women who are true to themselves, their nature, their heartfelt pressures.

      Guy

    • Femme

      Thank you, Sir Guy, for this response. If I understand correctly if we choose our battles carefully and let the man have his way on matters that are less important to us then we can more easily have our way on matters that are more important?
      As for the other woman – I’ve been thinking that perhaps I have become the seller again. The man has become more important to me than he should be. She has a better attitude to life and men. She is also a few years younger than me and has had years of grooming under her belt so to speak. I’m just starting out. She is childless too. Also, we are different physically so if he likes her type more (I’m a petite big busted brunette) then I’m thinking no matter how groomed I look he won’t notice 😐.
      About shyness – some men might perceive shy women as easier to dominate. I think this is my biggest issue – being super shy. Don’t quite know what to do about it and so have been putting up walls to keep myself safe from abuse and too much dominance.
      The man in question has very dark good looks and sports a beard which makes him attractive and a bit intimidating at the same time.
      I have frequently been thinking about his beard making him looking scary… But yesterday he turned up without it :).

      Your Highness Femme,
      You heart is right, mindset shaped properly, and you’re ready for time to make whatever difference God has planned. Don’t worry, you’re doing things correctly.
      Guy

      • Miss Gina

        Dear Lady Femme,

        If I may offer a few thoughts. Care less about any one man. Take control of your thoughts. Direct them elsewhere when tempted and do something–anything. Remind yourself that he or any man would be blessed to have you and why, but you really don’t care because there is a whole world of wonderful men out there and you will find one of the best.

        Keep in mind that good-looking men know it and have women throwing themselves at them all the time. They feel they can have any woman they choose. Some, but not all, have serious character flaws because of this.

        It is important to put in the work to be at the top of your game, both emotionally and physically. This helps you in relation to every man, so being around him is a good influence in that sense. Either you will be of no interest to him because you are not doing the same as other women (in which case he has a character defect), or you may be of great interest because you are very attractive but not like the others.

        Not sure this is possible if you are working, but it may help to find an outlet where you can give to others, like volunteer or church work. Perhaps you are already doing so. If that is not possible, maybe there would be ways you could be more helpful to others at work. If you want, you could even put yourself in a position to stretch a bit and do something that builds people skills in a small way.

        Two benefits: Attractive glow on face from service to others. Also, focus on others naturally minimizes shyness and gradually pushes past it into other-consciousness vs. self-consciousness. Thirdly, thoughts of others distract from unhelpful pestering thoughts about men of interest.

        You may look up from your busy life at some point and notice that some very good man is following you. 🙂

        Your Highness Miss Gina,

        Nicely done and I pray that Lady Femme pays more than just attention to your wise counsel.

        We on this blog are blessed to have your knowledge and endearing willingness to share it.

        Guy

        • Femme

          Dear Miss Gina,
          really appreciate your response.
          I have been able to put those “strategies” you are advising where my work is concerned.
          I started out with 2 hrs in a job that is below my highest academic qualification but has other advantages, namely it’s quite well paid for the amount of work I do, I like the place and people, and it’s very near where I live. I also knew that even though I’m technically highly qualified, I had no work experience to speak of for somebody my age. Kind of Good Enough. I did my best and at the same time kept looking for something with more hours, knowing that 2 hrs a day will still look better on my CV than sitting at home, should an opportunity present itself. I never pushed for anything. They offered me first a small pay rise and now the amount of hours I am happy with. I also have more responsibility now.
          But for some reason, I can’t seem to be able to apply the same attitude with men.
          Perhaps it’s because my job is just my job. I have no emotional attachment to it. Also, it’s quite straightforward. What I can do for my boss is easily measured and qualified. I know my strengths and what I have to work on.
          Not so with men.
          They are still a big enigma, instead of it being the other way round.
          I never feel the same kind of security around guys that I feel in my job or as a mum.
          In fact I feel terribly insecure, to the point where I would rather not have anything to do with men except professionally.
          The fact that they “appraise” every woman that they come into contact with makes me feel really uneasy.
          For some reason, I feel if there is any competition, the other woman (or women) will always come on top, so why try at all?
          At the same time, like most women I suspect, I would like to have that one supportive relationship.
          I do have a busy life already. I’m never bored when I’m on my own. In fact overgiving has been a problem in the past to the point of burnout. I read, I cook, I parent, I do yoga, watch films that I’ve always wanted to watch, and I perfect my political views.
          But time is running out for me in terms of finding a man who would be devoted to me… at least that is how I feel.
          Competition is growing stronger every day :).
          Pretty time is important, but it won’t reverse time.
          It really is ironic that when I had the looks I didn’t have the insight I have today, and it makes me feel mad at men for their “visual orientation”.
          This is one of the aspects that I feel makes compatibility so much harder to achieve.

      • Femme

        I guess you are more optimistic than I am on the subject, Sir Guy:)
        Thank you.
        I made a decision today actually to just be myself and stop trying to be more outgoing and emulate the other woman.
        Well groomed and modestly dressed, yes, but other than that, I’m not going to go out of my way to preted to be someone I’m not.
        Paradoxically, it made me more relaxed.
        There is something that bothers me though and it’s connected with your last article and the motto of your blog ;”…recapture feminine dominance”.
        It seems to me that females have already dominated most of the world…political correctness (as a response to female sensitivity, I imagine), emasculated men, boys who are encouraged to “get in touch with their feelings”, even the leftist values… this has all traditionally been female, has it not? It’s all encompassing. And it’s on the increase.
        The other day a friend posted on FB a pic of a Papua New Guinean man in his native costume (that is to say, wearing nothing much at all except a very impressive … erm, container for his manhood and colourful headgear) proudly sitting among traditionally dressed members of NATO, I believe (could have been another organisation). In response, 2 of her male friends accused her of racism, chest thumping nationalism, condescention and a few other ism’s that I can’t even remember. I leapt to her defence… and said the man’s race didn’t matter… and was branded a rasist.
        Sir Guy.
        May I ask you to help me make sense of this?
        Those men behaved like women just before their “special time of the month”, or toddlers having a tantrum.
        Meaning they couldn’t be reasoned with.
        They are not even black themselves.
        To think that some guy considers ME a brute just left me speechless.
        What is going on here?

        Your Highness Femme,

        I praise your decision to be yourself. You’ve educated yourself well and I expect that time will prove it.

        However, I regret I am unable to follow or understand your story below this sentence, “Paradoxically….” Can you clear it up for me?

        Guy

        • Miss Gina

          Dear Lady Femme,

          I wrote this before your latest reply above and accidentally posted it elsewhere, but maybe there is something in it that would be helpful:

          Just a short P.S.:

          Is there some task on which you can ask for this gentleman’s assistance? Good-looking men have a strong desire to help ladies in need, too, and you will likely be alone or among a very few who appeal to it. Getting help from other males if you like is beneficial, too. Gentlemen in the office will have a genuine kindly soft spot for you once they have helped you and this means nothing but good for accomplishing things at work. There is an old saying that if you want someone to like you, ask him/her for help, and this is paradoxically true. It builds allies.

        • Femme

          Of course I can explain Sir Guy.
          The story had nothing to do with my decision – as I said.
          It was about men who behave in emotional ways (and display very leftist views at the same time – which seems related?) to the point that any reasonable discussion becomes impossible.
          In line with what you said about women standing up for themselves (but before I read your response) I tried pointing out to the 2 guys who made the “racist” argument that they are reading much too much into the very fact that my friend posted that picture (btw she is a buddhist and the least rasist person I possibly know) in a calm and quite logical way. They would have none of it, just branded me a rasist, full stop.
          I’m still trying to figure out what is going on.I wasn’t being impolite I promise you.
          It’s like those men tried being dominating and dictatorial by using a traditionally female weapon – emotion. And sensitivity!
          I don’t know how to relate to guys like that, just like it’s hard to relate to women who are very career driven.
          I guess what I’m trying to say is western culture is becoming too feminised – or at least it looks like it?
          But why?

          Your Highness Femme,

          Thanks. I see the picture now. You are a victim of political war. You were attacked by character assassins courtesy of Saul Alinsky and the new leftist strategy for stamping out free speech. Namely, criticize and shame those who express opinions contrary to leftist ideology until they shut up.

          ‘They’ have now declared war on all conservative/constitutional talk show hosts in America. Bill O’Reilly has been fired. Sean Hannity is the current target. And they have already targeted the most prominent and then some. Their strategy: Threaten and discourage advertisers until media revenue for their shows makes them unworthy of continuing.

          Guy

  2. Femme

    Thanks, Sir Guy,
    that makes a lot of sense!…unfortunately. No matter what was being said, the men just had one response.
    It’s good to know it’s a political strategy and not to do with men turning into women. Still.
    Would it be too much to ask your words of wisdom on to how to deal with the situation? Apart from shutting up. Because this isn’t just an American phenomenon. Over here in England it’s even worse. I have no idea, for example, how to talk to even my closest friends who happen to be leftist.
    They want to vote for a man who calls for the liquidation of the army and shouts “we shouldn’t be afraid of spending!”.
    Free speech? I’m sure if I posted some of the videos I’ve recently watched on YouTube I would lose more than half of my friends.
    What do we do?
    Let me also take this opportunity to apologise for all the typos….
    I have been typing on my phone for the past few days due to computer issues. I’m not very good at that.

    Your Highness Femme,

    “What do we do?” As a woman, you won’t want to hear this. We have only one option: fight back. Current trends go against common folk. So, it’s they who have to rise up and fight back. In the meantime, I offer an opinion piece.

    Discounting your free speech rights and shaming your opinions is a standardized tactic to convince you to accept or become a believer in leftist ideology and the presumed correctness of it for everyone.

    You’re in the midst of replaying the Western civilization battle, power to tell others how to live vs. individual freedom. If you wish to understand leftist strategies, read their bible: Rules for Radicals by Hillary Clinton’s teacher, mentor, and anti-democratic authority Saul Alinsky.

    It’s totalitarianism vs. freedom. Unrestricted government vs. those who believe in smaller government restricted by law. Respect for those who wield power at the cost of respect for uninvolved individuals seeking to be left alone to choose for themselves. The collective is to supersede the individual.

    It’s moral, religious, rightist, and constitutional principles of individual freedom, values, and, expectations about the treatment of others vs. leftist expectations that everyone must adhere to radical power building ideology and dogma to make everyone all alike as subjects of a powerful government.

    Natural Law makes us free. Leftists disagree and arduously tear down religion and God’s place in our lives in order to weaken free people to resist the ideological rules of authoritarian life.

    The roots are Marxism as modified after two major failures it suffered. The workers of the world did not unite against their nations’ goals in World War I and the violent nature of the Sixties revolution did not work. As the direct consequence, revolutionaries put on suits and ties and have succeeded taking over the institutions of power: universities, philosophical foundations, elected offices, businesses, government agencies, and on and on.

    Leftists of every ilk, hiding beneath the label of Progressives, now dominate the melting down of Western freedom into the gulag of their dreams.

    Islamists now copy Progressive success. Perhaps working jointly as agreed behind closed doors, both groups melt down the existing culture of freedom into a culture friendly to both Progressive ambition and sharia law.

    Trends shape the picture of the future this way. When constitutions and freedoms are gone, Islamists and leftists will fight over who dominates the economic, legal, and political crumbs that common man will fight over with his neighbor. We and Western civilization are headed there, if we don’t find the leadership and the ways to neutralize growth of both Islamism and Progressivism.

    Guy

    • Meow Meow

      Just keep being yourself Femme!

      You can calmly stick up for what you believe even if it aggravates people. If they are really your friends they will have to listen to you too. Maybe you are the only person they know who has a conservative POV….It takes all kinds to make a world. You shouldn’t feel like you have to “shut up” unless you get tired of arguing with someone and choose to. You are a person with a right to an opinion.

      People seem ready to jump on each other these days for having differing opinions without regard for whether they are talking to a friend or their worst enemy. Really sad. Here in the US many family members and friends have broken up over the recent Presidential election. When you look at the past however many previous American elections dating back to the 17–1800s were just as contentious!

      I am not a conservative but I have conservative friends and rather than berate them for being “wrongheaded” I try to understand where they’re coming from and why what they say makes sense to them. If all our friends acted exactly like us what a dull place the world would be with no growth or innovation.

    • Femme

      You are right as usual when you say I won’t like the solution, Sir Guy.
      However, I tried.
      My daughter attends a CoE school.
      About 50% of the children are muslim.
      If not more.
      Half of the staff wear headscarves.
      Some parents are part of a Whatsapp group, formed to exchange information.
      About an hour ago somebody (non muslim) said something like “terrible news, I hope everybody here is safe” – referring to the latest attack in London.
      Another mum – with a buddhist background – said “we stand together with all Londoners against terror, today and always”. Then a muslim person said “I completely agree”.
      At which point I said that it’s a wonderful idea but how are we supposed to do it in practical terms? (thanks to this blog I’m quite good at asking questions).
      The reply was “by continuing to enjoy our lives and being kind to everybody, especially those different from us”.
      So I asked “what if those “others” don’t want to be kind to us but instead blow our children up?”.
      She replied that she didn’t mean terrorists. That if you suspect somebody is being radicalised you should report them. Those isolated and bullied are vulnerable to being radicalised so the best way to prevent our children from being radicalised is to teach them tolerance, kindness and understanding.
      At this point I gave up… I’m just wondering how her solution would work if she had a knife put to her throat or been knocked off a bridge by a madman.
      Words fail me.

      • Miss Gina

        Dear Lady Femme,

        A challenge, indeed. Sir Guy’s prescription for handling men who overstep their bounds works very well with bullies, too–which is what these people are.

        I think you are on the right track: another question along the lines of your second to last sentence would have been a perfect response. No worries: you’ll surely get another chance eventually.

        Folks like that count on normal people being caught off guard by their outrageously illogical statements. So it is not a bad idea to have a few short, pithy, comebacks ready and to actually rehearse them.

        It is very important next to turn and walk away or change the subject very firmly. This takes control of the conversation. reclaims the higher ground, and gives no opportunity for a foolish retort on their part.

        If they attempt it, make sure they are talking to your back, as you casually leave their false rhetoric in the dust. You will be the one leaving *them* speechless, for a change.

        For the lefty gentlemen: (Laughing) “Oh, that Alinsky stuff doesn’t work on me. I think for myself.” This one could work in a variety of situations.

        Even a simple “You have got to be kidding,” with a lifted eyebrow or skeptical, knowing, teacher type look that carries authority.

        (“Seriously?” Or, “Really?” work, as well.)

        “Well, that’s not how I see it.”

        “I could wish the same people were so tolerant of Christian/conservative views.”

        You can think up more and better ones for your situation. Just remember to *firmly* refuse to entertain any response, even if you have to walk away. Resume contact only when the subject is different, and act as if nothing has happened, being pleasant but firm and no-nonsense.

        Thinking up something ahead of time and practicing it bypasses that natural high alert state that leaves you speechless because your brain just switched to fight-or-flight mode and isn’t thinking logically.

        You may lose a so-called friend here and there (who wants friends that enable child-murderers, anyway?), but you will also find new ones in others like you who didn’t know what to say. Even bullies know to respect a formidable opponent, though.

        In addition to the wonderful and handsome Sir Guy, without whom we wouldn’t have this blog, I give credit to Steve and Kim Cooper of The Love Safety Net for teaching me how to use pre-scripted comebacks with bullies–which is what these people are.

        (Side note: Kim and Steve Cooper are worth checking out…they have done groundbreaking work in handling difficult people and narcissists, as well as in personal growth and emotional intelligence–lots of free and paid materials available online. It is from a subtly Christian viewpoint.)

        It takes some courage, but it works…it has neutralized several really nasty bullies for me. One particularly evil woman eventually left her government job of 14 years (giving up retirement and all) and moved several states away, lol!

        Hope there is something of use for you here…

        • My Husband's Wife

          This is the best, Miss Gina: “Oh, that Alinsky stuff doesn’t work on me. I think for myself.” Love it, it’s so clever 😉

  3. Femme

    Hello Miss Gina!
    And apologies for dominating this thread…I DO appreciate that I can vent here in a relatively safe environment…
    It is a challenge indeed.
    I don’t even know if I can call myself a conservative at this point. Up unitl very recently I oscillated between the LibDems and the Green party. But generally left politics to the politicians. But the recent events and the American presidential elections have woken me up to the fact that the world has a massive problem on our hands and the way to fix it sounds MUCH better to me when it is voiced by conservatives.
    The Labour party (or should we say the socialist party?) has a lot of lofty ideals about how life should be, and it’s all nice and good but it doesn’t have any bearing on reality. The problem is they genuinely believe that the answer to violence, tyrrany and intimidation is doing more of what has brought the problem about in the first place, which is kindness compassion and understanding. We used to teach our children “stranger danger” (Little Red Ridin’ Hood comes to mind) but now they are supposed to know only understanding, kindness and compassion. Towards what? Madmen with rucksacks full of explosives?
    The problem I’m having is that as I said, half of my daughter’s school is muslim. The other half leftist. My next door neighbours are muslim. Every time an atrocious thing happens, nobody, virtually NOBODY from among the muslim poulation speaks out against it. Yes they may not be active terrorists themselves but they subscribe to a religious system that enables people to be radicalised. Yet none of them seems to be troubled by it? Not even an apology of any sort, not that that would make much diffrerence. But it would at least indicate that they disagree.
    The school’s headteacher has done a brilliant job to make things work between 2 opposing views. That’s what I thought so far.
    But at the moment, it has dawned on me that that has been at the price of skipping uncomfortable subjects and sweeping them under the carpet.
    In times such as these, people are forced to take a stance. This will create divisions… The USA has always been about the “melting pot”. But this country has allowed muslims to come here, reap all the benefits, practise in mosques… They clearly DON’T want to assimilate, they want to take over and impose their Sharia law on us! Interestingly, it’s mostly 2nd generation of muslims that become radicalised! The 1st generaton is presumably too busy making a fresh start in a new country. And we are supposed to stand by, do nothing and smile?
    It’s remarkable how none of the muslims at scholl has ever said anything about them not feeling safe any more.
    So come back lines are fine…They are neccesary. I used one the other day when a Labour party canvasser knocked on my door to ask me how I was going to vote (I already have, anyway. Tough!). But my problem is, I am getting very hot under the collar about those things I just voiced. I admit to not knowing what to do about all of this.
    Change schools?
    My daughter would be devastated to leave all her friends behind.
    Stay and say nothing?
    Voice my opinions against the whole school and become ostrcised, in which case I would have to take my daughter out anyway?

    • Miss Gina

      I find your thoughts very interesting and enlightening, Lady Femme. My apologies for making an assumption about political ideals. In truth, I meant for that part to be only a detail in the larger picture of standing up to bullies. Also, “conservative” sometimes carries different connotations across the Atlantic. Anyway, my inclination would be to look to the great and courageous people of Great Britain’s past who stood for right against evil, like Winston Churchill and the brave British who fought and stood against Hitler and so many other evil people throughout history. What would these people do in your shoes? As for children, I think one can never go wrong by holding to a standard of quality education and a safe environment in which they can explore and become themselves, wherever that leads.

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