2755. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 06 Kill the Blame


Our Judeo-Christian culture degenerates as feminist-inspired lack of respect for the opposite sex spreads the use of blame to change manly behavior. Both sexes claim that relationship problems are the fault of the other side. Everyday pressures seem to make wives almost eager to find blame with husbands. It’s become habitual and perhaps epidemic in relationships.

Blame is so offensive and treacherous that it offers no escape. Hidden barbs continue to irritate the relationship skin long after peace has apparently been restored.

It’s not that men always or that all men resent blame, but women should expect it in order to know how to best deal with their man. The long-range objective is marital success, no separation now or ever. The immediate objective should be to avoid blame. Find some other way to lead her man to what she finds acceptable.

Men view their wife’s dissatisfactions this way. If he can do something about it, he will try. If not, why dump it on him? If neither she nor he can handle it, they can get someone else. What’s the big deal that warrants her blaming him?

 The Scene. Within a couple’s life, compatibility is essential, cooperation is both her incentive and overpowering talent, and collaboration and his alliance should be her goal. OTOH competition with her man is her enemy, because it’s the root of blame and with which men refuse to live.

Men do not willingly compete with their woman. They rely on dominance to get their way, when they have to have it. They fear the indignity of losing to a physically weaker person, and so they avoid or end competition to favor themselves.

Women seem to think that because men often resemble little boys in their behavior, they should be treated as little boys and they will behave better. Wifely frustrations often inspire women to raise their voices, get in their man’s face, and proclaim or preach female insistence about things. They want their way, and they want it now. Their anger fades after they unload on him, but the damage is done at his end. She considers him inadequate, insignificant, or worse or so it seems to him. In response, her likeability deteriorates and her loyalty becomes suspect.

Sometimes quietly and sometimes not so quietly, men resent, resist, and often retaliate. His woman’s blame deals a blow to a man’s sense of significance, which energizes his greatest offense to prove her wrong if only by claiming it if he can’t prove it.

It’s her right to defend her territory as she sees fit, and pop culture and media programs exemplify it. The matriarchal push of Feminism causes women to broadcast their rights and privileges into the ever-resentful faces of men. Having the right to do it, however, doesn’t mean its right to do it. But women learn that point after their man leaves them.

The subject is blame. If women use it, their man will use it against them and include every intent to win and restore his sense of dignity, responsibility, and personal significance.

Foreground. Couples don’t think about it as clearly or directly as this. Husband expects to be responsible to see that their marriage hangs together, but she’s in charge of the details. Wife expects to see that all goes well and successfully in their relationship, home, and family, but he’s responsible to provide what she needs or lacks.

Many hidden agendas are wrapped up in the current scene, and blame is both the easiest and worst outlet for failure to work together. Why don’t they work together? Because competition stifles cooperation and collaboration and opens the door to blame.

The good wife avoids competition with husband; she pushes for cooperation until they collaborate jointly and successfully. She avoids competition knowing full well that it’s the starting point of blame.

What causes them to compete? Each mate is inborn with desire to get their way with others, and they often lack mutual respect for the other’s person and role. The most prominent causes are these: 1) One mate doesn’t respect, trust, or dislikes what the other does, and so they over supervise and tell the other HOW to do what they do. Competition highlights such encounters. 2) Each trying to get their way stirs competition. Ignoring her ability to be patient, wife is unable to yield to his decisions in the present, so that she can prevail in the future.

Competition squeezes out cooperation and prevents collaboration, which far too easily becomes habitual. Bad habits over time defeat marital success.

In action. When things go astray or wrong with husband, wives tend to favor two approaches.

  1. She blames him to the full extent of his wrongdoing with the mistaken expectation that he will correct himself and not do it again; that he will try harder to meet her expectations in the future.
  2. She may even seek to punish him, as if he’s a little boy. It insults him, and she can expect resistance, retaliation, or worse.

She may get her way, but it’s not likely their compatibility will improve when wife takes either approach. Neither is it likely he will change to meet her future expectations.

Blaming him increases competitive pressure, deposits irritants amidst their mutual likeability, and weakens compatibility, all at the same time. Blame is poison to a man, especially coming from his woman. Blame makes him want to do the opposite of what she hopes to achieve. (It’s not an alibi, it’s his competitive nature to fight back and dominant urge to win against physically weaker foes.)

Moreover, here’s some husband-think. He knows she has the ability to register dissatisfaction with him in a more agreeable way. She ought to use her considerate kindness; it’s a virtue that helped promote interest in her as his wife. If forgetfulness isn’t in her hand of cards, where is his payday when he needs it?

Moreover, she’s endowed with magnificent powers of forgiveness, if her man deserves special consideration for all else that he does. She can downgrade his offense or forgive his wrongdoing and compensate herself by finding and claiming gratitude that credits hubby for keeping her satisfied with their relationship. Not the easiest strategy by far, but the most agreeable for her long range interests. Forgiveness being a female strength, why not use it to keep the relationship she has worked so hard to cultivate?

The forgiveness part is easiest for her, but his main interest is that she forget it. He doesn’t feel forgiven unless it’s forgotten, because she can use it against him sometime in the future. He made a mistake and will do better, provided she can forget it. It’s a concession men are usually willing to make; he’ll do better if she will forget it this time.

Overlooking his wrongdoing and giving hubby credit for his presence and achievements reinforces their compatibility and enhances prospects for marital success. Blame offends him, but allowing him to skate relatively free confirms that all is okay with her, he must be okay too, and so their marriage is okay. Nothing to use against him in the future.

Thus, acceptance of his flaws strengthens their compatibility. Forgiveness strengthens her heart for handling those who need to find merit in themselves and to more assertively please her. And her ability to forget calms his fears about the next time he needs her forgiveness.

If she’s unsatisfied with him, blame or threats are her worst strategies. It puts them in competition, invites future battles over other matters, and men don’t lose battles to their woman.

6 Comments

Filed under Dear daughter, How she loses, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

6 responses to “2755. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 06 Kill the Blame

  1. 1jarofclay

    What a beautiful and wonderful post! So practical. Thank you for being so thorough.

    A good exercise to do when your husband does something that you don’t want or doesn’t do something that you want him to do, is stopping yourself before you fuss at him and do something that’s called “the 5 seconds rule.” Mel Robbins came up with it during a very difficult time in her life. Go to another room if you need and count back. It causes a mental shift. Then add something positive (this is mine, not Mel’s) like saying a short prayer that God give you the fruit of the Spirit. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” Galatians 5:22-23 Declare it in your life.

    When we do this, not only do we let it go and become less tense, but also achieve an immediate shift and realize that we’re on our way to becoming a more emotionally intelligent person! 🙂

    Let’s keep our marriages intact! It’s in our power to do so. Whatever you asked him to do that he hasn’t, will get done anyway.

    Magnolia

  2. Miss Gina

    Absolutely true!

    However, this only works for the husband who is a good man to begin with, who is devoted to wife or on the way there.

    It also only works for the woman who has enough confidence and emotional intelligence to maintain her standards and work indirectly, rather than take the blame on herself undeservedly or simply put up with everything (a.k.a. doormat). On the other hand, she must not go overboard the other way but rather be willing to admit her own faults and carry a lot of grace toward self and others.

    All the more reason to screen, screen, screen the men and keep working on self.

    • Magnolia

      Yes, I am assuming here that the woman has chosen a good man who is kind and devoted, but who doesn’t have, as Sir Guy says, her perfectionist tendencies as it usually happens with men.

      In the last few days I’ve been switching things around in the bedrooms and redecorating. I want to finish some things before I go back to work in a few days (I’m a teacher). I asked my husband to assist moving the things that are heavy such as dressers and a big t.v. Because he’s been working (sometimes 12 hour shifts), it’s easier for him to do it on Sunday which is his day off. Well, yesterday he was saying that he’s so happy that he has Sunday off (hint, hint). I know he wants to rest that day, but some things have to get done. Of course, that’s according to my agenda. He doesn’t see the need to do it right away. And if he does not do it, he will do it soon enough, so I promised myself that I wouldn’t pick up an argument like I’ve done in the past. Keeping the peace and my marriage intact is much more important to me. I might hint, however, that him helping me with what I need would mean the world to me and make his favorite meal or whatever as an incentive. 😉

      Thanks again, Sir Guy, for your wise advice. As a woman who has been married for only a year, I really need it. Still working on it. I keep in mind that according to Drs. John and Julie Gottman (from The Gottman Institute) who have been doing research for 40 years about marriage and what predicts divorces, there are some behaviors that they call the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (as in the four horsemen of the book of Revelation in the Bible) that really affect marriages and many end in divorce. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. So we must eradicate these completely from our lives.

      Magnolia

  3. i appreciate your blog. ive learnt so much about relationships just by reading your post. Thank you for sharing!

  4. yellowblue

    i really really needed to red this.i been with my husband for 24 years and we been through alot,but i needed this now more then ever.i wish i knew about this blog a couple of years agoit may have helped me much better then,but learning it now,i have a chance to make us better and learning to keep my mouth shut which i always done except for a couple years ago,i went about something the wrong way(i got in his face)first time ever and boy did it blow up,i made everything worse even though i had every reason to be pissed.bt reading how i need to not bring it back up helped me,now i know i have been doing the right thing,its getting better,he is pleasing me again so i hope we can get to better then we ever have.
    im having a hard time dealing with the hurt i been through from things he did a couple of years ago,he countinued doing then for a year and a half,we almost divorced.i just shut up,left him alone,i just was ready to go are separte way also,but he came back,and a year now we been trying,and we are doing good the past few months,but i hurt,im scared one day in the future he will hurt me in a simular way again,he made me feel i was so easily to get rid of,completly and i meant nothing to him,
    Sir Guy,how do i get past the hurt and how do i know i can trust he wont hurt me that same way or simular in the future?i never thought he would ever but he did

    Your Highness Yellowblue,
    How do you get past the hurt? Convince yourself that you’re not only grateful but also satisfied with who you are, those around you, and especially hubby. Perhaps also adopt the self-talk routine to put your mind in order as I describe it in the mirror time series, 2123-2127.
    Guy

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