2763. She Calls It Cherished — III: Intimacy Defined

In the normal course of events, a wife has to guess whether she’s cherished or not. She has to presume it indirectly from all the signs and signals that originate in or reflect from husband’s words and actions. It’s not a very rewarding game, but many women have to play it as the only way available way to feel cherished. A more direct way exists, but men know so little about it that women see too little of it.

Intimacy has two forms. Passionate as prelude to sex and non-passionate when sex is over or of no intent at the moment. Passionate intimacy cherishes her as sex partner, but she may or may not feel cherished as a woman. Non-passionate intimacy cherishes her as a wife. She hopes for both. However, the non-passionate carries more weight; cherished as a wife includes her sex appeal or husband’s satisfaction; unless something shows otherwise.

Men have little trouble showing passionate intimacy to get what they want. It confirms a female’s sex appeal. Some women may take it as being cherished, but wives don’t. Passionate intimacy leaves cherishment incomplete, but the non-passionate form cherishes her dynamically as a wife. Sensing deep in her heart that she will live a fulfilling life, she desires to be cherished as a whole, successful, and important person even over and above being a woman.

A female expects to be equal as a person, respected as a woman, and used as a sex object. The easier she yields the latter outside of marriage, the more difficult to earn respect. The less respect she earns as a woman among men, the less she finds herself treated equally as a person. To be cherished as a wife compensates for shortfalls in that formula.

What a woman expects does not arise out of the male nature; men are not made that way. So, she has to lay the groundwork out of which she’s hopeful that he will cherish her. How then does she embellish her relationship such that husband or her man cherishes her more than he’s naturally inclined?

Her objective: Condition husband’s thought processes so that he more frequently expresses his devotion at opportune moments, especially just before going to sleep. How? The essence of being cherished can be found in the gratitude that husband/father has for wife/mother, but the male nature works against expressing close emotional ties. So:

  • Get the TV and late night shows out of the bedroom. It’s tough for him to think of expressing intimacy to a “well-used” wife after watching all the shapely dollies prance around. Having just watched hunks outshine her man, wife easily forgets that she’s trying to encourage his intimate behavior, which is the most direct source of her being cherished.
  • Go to bed at the same time. Find ways to encourage him to hold her, snuggle, get personal in his talk, and caress her as the last functions before sleep; e.g., inquire as to what he’s grateful for—then, now, and future. Find ways to connect his gratitude to her presence, and add intimacy to pillow talk.
  • Discreetly shift family habits of thought and conversation away from both kid and adult problems and toward finding gratefulness in whatever life brings; e.g., wife explains to kids at the dinner table how her husband’s accomplishments lead to benefits for kids and family.
  • Only a good and tough mom can do this. Develop and use a ritual to teach family members to find gratitude in each other; e.g., develop this new habit for all members. The birthdate of each member each month will be celebrated by the family seated without absentees at the dinner table. Enforce the code that each member earns the respect of all others on their special day each month. The topic of conversation is to find things for which others are grateful for the ‘guest of honor’ that day. Yes, four kids and you have six dinners together each month, but only one member is highlighted each time. (Just an idea to spur hubby to habitually think about what he’s grateful for.)

A woman’s mission in life is to make herself important to both self and others. She shares herself, spreads her love, enjoys the rewards of giving, and satisfies herself that she is good by doing good. She helps fulfill the lives of those important to her, and her family outranks others. She’s helped along by the natural reward that comes from giving of love and doing for others.

She longs for frequent approval by the most important person in her life. As a girl, it’s usually her father, as wife her husband, and as shack up her man. If he’s not the most important, then fulfillment as a woman escapes her.



Filed under Dear daughter, feminine, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

9 responses to “2763. She Calls It Cherished — III: Intimacy Defined

  1. Mary Wumths

    Another fine post. So many divorces could be prevented if more women knew how to manage their relationships. So glad I discovered this invaluable blog.

  2. prettybeans

    It’s fascinating to me how potentially complicated these matters are and how heavy the load a woman carries is! With the hope springing from good intentions, I have never so seriously considered the minefield that is ‘relationship’.

    I’ve recently come into relationship failure (in terms of the relationship terminating acrimoniously) but I suppose it can also be looked at in terms of relationship success (in terms of dodging a bullet and putting Mr Not Good Enough back out to pasture) and because there’s a ‘you’re the last to know’ vibe to the whole scenario, my confidence has certainly taken a hit.

    When all is said and done though, I’m of the view that much can be won or lost at the screening stage. A person of strong character can be relied upon to conduct themselves honourably. Like my father says, never blame a pig for being consistent with its own nature..

    Simultaneously though, it’s incredibly important to be consistent with your own values and be so confident in those values that you are not afraid to let go of what doesn’t cut it and what isn’t consistent with them. The one least afraid of losing the other wins..

    A man who wants you will pay the price – even if just for the sake of satisfying his curiosity. But even if the man wants you and actually wants to pay the price, it needs to be clear in your own mind that you want that kind of man in the first place.

    Lesson painfully learned

  3. Kay

    Pretty Beans, I think this sentence of yours is powerful. ” it is incredibly important to be consistent with your own values and be so confident in those values that you are NOT AFRAID to let go of what doesn’t cut it and what isn’t consistent with them.” Yes! Know your worth Pretty Beans!
    Hugs to you. The right guy WILL come along and you will look back on this break up and see the silver lining.

    • Thank you Lady Kay. Your encouragement comes at a time when I desperately need it. But the fear is so real..

      I bravely, but oh so very slowly and in a very wobbly manner, walked away from someone who seemed fairly good enough to begin with but then I realized that because deception had a huge part to play in everything, I was being offered a very comfortable life at the cost of shared fundamental values, fidelity and companionable friendship..it just didn’t cut it but it hurt to let it go. A little bit more when he didn’t put up any resistance..sigh.

      I do have a question for you Dear Sir Guy, Lady Kay and all other ladies and gents who would care to chip in..how does one achieve the balance between being proud of ones own accomplishments and being modest about the said accomplishments? I’m not inclined to think that I will need to hide what I have worked hard and worked honestly for but I realize that its somewhat detrimental to my dating life..am I simply interacting with inferior gents or is this something I need to learn how to manage? And if so, how?

      All thoughts most welcome

      Your Highness Prettybeans,
      I know you personally. Stay modest, don’t disclose who you are until it’s earned. And, yes, inferior men but uncovering inferiority is what life and screening is all about. Accomplish some new things and rejuvenate your self-respect. You’re doing fine.

      • If I may add my two cents. I am married to a gentleman to whom I feel like I am superior in intellect and wisdom since I read tons of relationship books like this fine blog.

        What I have learned is men have fragile egos and you should never show them up or brag about your accomplishments. Men only want a pretty woman to orbit them and give admiration to THEIR accomplishments. Men like human nature are self absorbed and self centered. They seek to do what makes them feel good and having an adoring pretty thing look up to them makes them feel powerful and good. Which is why sometimes men have affairs with secretaries and less well off women.
        Men want to provide and be the breadwinner and they feel emasculated when the woman they are with outshines them.

        Therefore the best thing for women who want to have successful relationships to do is to ZIP the LIP. Men don’t want to hear how wonderful they are. My hubby thinks we communicate so well because I mostly keep my mouth shut.

        What is that saying about wisdom and intellect?
        Intelligence is knowing the answer and wisdom is knowing when to keep your mouth shut.

  4. La belle fille

    Dear Sir Guy

    You never cease to amaze me. It’s like every time I read a post it directly speaks to the tools I need at that moment. I smile with appreciation and your ability to anticipate a lady’s needs. You are my true north Star!

    I quote, “As a girl, it’s usually her father, as wife her husband, and as shack up her man. If he’s not the most important, then fulfillment as a woman escapes her”.

    Do I assume correctly that this piece of advise applies to singles in courtship?’
    “Intimacy has two forms. Passionate as prelude to sex and non-passionate when sex is over or of no intent at the moment” “When sex is on no intent at the moment”, could that be in courtship -(I find myself here – courtship, variety between passion and non passionate, mostly the latter) At that point you can hardly call him your man, but you are not wife nor shack up – how does one use this technique at night thought process when you are neither? or am I missing something?

    Your Highness La Belle fille,

    Courtship is when you learn what you need to do to be cherished. Sounds like you’re getting there: “non-passionate, mostly the latter.”

    I’m unsure what you seek with your final question. If in courtship and not sleeping together, his non-passsionate intimacy elevates you toward being cherished.


  5. Ava


    I am reading all your articles with great interest!
    You say: as a girl, it is usually her father. Is this where the term “daddy’s girl” is derived? Where is mothers role in this context? Does daughter not crave mothers approval as much?

    I look forward to reading more of your articles!

    Your Highness Ava,

    Men and women are different in both their love and the way they express it as mothers and fathers. Beyond hugs, kisses, affection, and other special attentions, parents tend to specialize and extend their love differently.

    Moms are particularly sensitive to disappointment in daughters that arises out of relationships and at which women are more skillful managers than girls. Being self-developers but yet under developed as relationship experts, daughters need mom’s love, attention, and advice to assuage disappointment more than other skill problems. As females, mothers tend to more quickly sense the need and energize themselves to love and thereby help daughters relieve their disappointments.

    Fathers tend to do the same, but their baseline is daughters’ dissatisfaction with themselves. That is, dads are particularly sensitive to unhappiness in females that arise mostly from personal challenges rather than relationship problems about which they know so little.


    • Ava

      Thank you Sir
      I think I understand. So as a mother I should guide and coach daughter from on how best to manage her relationship with future husband so that when she grows into a woman and no longer primarily seeks her father’s approval and rather seeks it from her husband that she should not experience too much disappointment in her marriage?

      Your Highness Ava,
      You’re not wrong, but to lead her by your example is far more effective plus it pushes you to be a better wife.

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