In the normal course of events, a wife has to guess whether she’s cherished or not. She has to presume it indirectly from all the signs and signals that originate in or reflect from husband’s words and actions. It’s not a very rewarding game, but many women have to play it as the only way available way to feel cherished. A more direct way exists, but men know so little about it that women see too little of it.
Intimacy has two forms. Passionate as prelude to sex and non-passionate when sex is over or of no intent at the moment. Passionate intimacy cherishes her as sex partner, but she may or may not feel cherished as a woman. Non-passionate intimacy cherishes her as a wife. She hopes for both. However, the non-passionate carries more weight; cherished as a wife includes her sex appeal or husband’s satisfaction; unless something shows otherwise.
Men have little trouble showing passionate intimacy to get what they want. It confirms a female’s sex appeal. Some women may take it as being cherished, but wives don’t. Passionate intimacy leaves cherishment incomplete, but the non-passionate form cherishes her dynamically as a wife. Sensing deep in her heart that she will live a fulfilling life, she desires to be cherished as a whole, successful, and important person even over and above being a woman.
A female expects to be equal as a person, respected as a woman, and used as a sex object. The easier she yields the latter outside of marriage, the more difficult to earn respect. The less respect she earns as a woman among men, the less she finds herself treated equally as a person. To be cherished as a wife compensates for shortfalls in that formula.
What a woman expects does not arise out of the male nature; men are not made that way. So, she has to lay the groundwork out of which she’s hopeful that he will cherish her. How then does she embellish her relationship such that husband or her man cherishes her more than he’s naturally inclined?
Her objective: Condition husband’s thought processes so that he more frequently expresses his devotion at opportune moments, especially just before going to sleep. How? The essence of being cherished can be found in the gratitude that husband/father has for wife/mother, but the male nature works against expressing close emotional ties. So:
- Get the TV and late night shows out of the bedroom. It’s tough for him to think of expressing intimacy to a “well-used” wife after watching all the shapely dollies prance around. Having just watched hunks outshine her man, wife easily forgets that she’s trying to encourage his intimate behavior, which is the most direct source of her being cherished.
- Go to bed at the same time. Find ways to encourage him to hold her, snuggle, get personal in his talk, and caress her as the last functions before sleep; e.g., inquire as to what he’s grateful for—then, now, and future. Find ways to connect his gratitude to her presence, and add intimacy to pillow talk.
- Discreetly shift family habits of thought and conversation away from both kid and adult problems and toward finding gratefulness in whatever life brings; e.g., wife explains to kids at the dinner table how her husband’s accomplishments lead to benefits for kids and family.
- Only a good and tough mom can do this. Develop and use a ritual to teach family members to find gratitude in each other; e.g., develop this new habit for all members. The birthdate of each member each month will be celebrated by the family seated without absentees at the dinner table. Enforce the code that each member earns the respect of all others on their special day each month. The topic of conversation is to find things for which others are grateful for the ‘guest of honor’ that day. Yes, four kids and you have six dinners together each month, but only one member is highlighted each time. (Just an idea to spur hubby to habitually think about what he’s grateful for.)
A woman’s mission in life is to make herself important to both self and others. She shares herself, spreads her love, enjoys the rewards of giving, and satisfies herself that she is good by doing good. She helps fulfill the lives of those important to her, and her family outranks others. She’s helped along by the natural reward that comes from giving of love and doing for others.
She longs for frequent approval by the most important person in her life. As a girl, it’s usually her father, as wife her husband, and as shack up her man. If he’s not the most important, then fulfillment as a woman escapes her.