2798. Wifely Leadership — 08: As Women Lead Men — III

I continue to list ideas for wives to exploit in order to gain influence in their marital relationship.

Neither completeness, perfection, nor total agreement is the goal. Informing husband, accepting her responsibilities, and gaining agreement about wife-sensitive issues is the objective. It’s vital that neither side be perceived as wrong in these discussions.

A wife needs to verbalize each item her own way. It needs to fit in with her marital arrangements without offending husband; otherwise he’ll go on the defensive and not cooperate.

Any wife is the ‘I’ who speaks below, and ‘you’ is her husband. To the extent wife initiates such discussions and husband cooperates, she succeeds as a marital leader. The suggestions continue.

11. As a woman, I’m inclined toward making everything equal. As a man, you’re inclined to make everything come out fair. We’re born differently, so can we agree to recognize that each is entitled to represent and defend his or her own view based on that contrast? That is, without begrudging it in each other. We’ll be more successful as mates if I act more like a woman and you more like a man.

12. We are not equal in anything except before the law. We each have our own responsibilities, but I need help more often than you, if I’m to keep you satisfied. All voluntary help is appreciated. My requests for help will be with smile and good attitude; I hope your responses are the same; it’s very important to me.

13. You’re responsible to make or approve decisions about our respective responsibilities. First step: What don’t you want to be responsible for? It’s the same for mutually shared responsibility, such as budgeting, finances, major purchases, investment opportunities. I can’t expect perfection, just satisfaction that you’re on top of things.

14. I ask that I be made the senior and ruling member of the child-raising team and responsible for discipline. I ask that you fill two roles. My back up as husband and support as father responsible for fun and entertainment. If you don’t like their behavior or something else, don’t complain to or correct the kid except in emergency. Let me deal with him or her. Depend on me and I will keep you satisfied. In the meantime, show the kids how great dad is for satisfying their itch for fun, games, close association, and personal development. I intend to raise boys in your image and girls in mine.

15. You are the final authority behind my need to discipline the children. The threat is more effective than the use. The less often you’re involved, the less need for punishment, which means that I’ve got discipline working just fine. If I need you to punish, then I’ve done something wrong and am responsible to fix it quickly. I’m responsible to raise our kids to be nothing but a pleasure to you. I expect to never come crying to you about them.

16. Just as we adults remain throughout life, our toddlers start out as self-developers. As parents, we owe the world mature adults more than good children. Parental obligation supports self-development more than making them popular or ideal kids for others to judge. Consequently, I expect to guide them through moral issues, calm their anxieties, help lift them over uncertainties, strengthen their characters, and build a strong work ethic. With you as backup for punishment and support of my decisions, we can focus on what produces maturity rather than letting them drift toward adolescent peer pressure. That is, respectable kids who in the long run outshine and outdo the popular ones.

17. Whether I or we predominantly raise the kids, I ask that you support this family policy that I expect to use. As soon as the conscious mind opens in the third year, they will be affirmingly respected as a person, boy or girl, and later in their various roles as responsible family members. Examples: Your toddlers learn to save and earn respect. Son is trusted as the mower of our lawn and outside earner of money. Your daughter learns to be trusted as kitchen operator and highly feminine helper of others, such as babysitter for neighbors.

18. If our dreams differ about how the children should turn out as adults, we need to discuss and come to some agreement before they gain the wrong foothold in self-development. My belief is that chores and early responsibility produce maturity, and the lack thereof promotes immaturity. Both sexes grow up best by earning their way before puberty with more and more responsibilities assigned slightly ahead of whatever maturity they have reached.

19. As mother, my immediate boss is myself as wife. As head of household, you married wife and not mother. So, you rightly expect me as wife to satisfy you directly after satisfying myself about my performance as mother. IOW, regardless of how great I am as mom, my burden to satisfy you as wife tops it.

20. A highly productive household condition is that everyone has only one boss. Children report to mother, father reports to mother for fun and entertainment of kids, mother reports to wife as responsible for raising kids, and wife reports to husband that all goes well in his kingdom.



Filed under Dear daughter, feminine, Her glory, How she wins, marriage

8 responses to “2798. Wifely Leadership — 08: As Women Lead Men — III

  1. anonymous

    Sir Guy,
    Do you have any thoughts on the in-law relationship within a marriage? I’ve had quite a few issues with my in-laws since the birth of my daughter. I was hoping the issues would magically disappear as I used to enjoy spending time with my ILs, but they haven’t. I think the crux of the issue is my husband and I have different ideas of what are appropriate boundaries for extended family. For example, I am not okay with someone physically interfering while I’m taking care of my daughter, I am not okay with people inviting themselves to spend the night at my house when they live in the same town, I am not okay with someone showing up unannounced while I’m giving birth after we asked them to wait to be invited, I am not okay with someone repeatedly getting drunk around my toddler, I am not okay with someone acting as though my daughter is their kid and I am just the incubator/incompetent babysitter. My husband, on the other hand, understands why these things bother me, but isn’t bothered himself (other than for the fact it bothers me). For the past 1.5 years my method has been to try to kill them with kindness for the sake of keeping the peace and being gracious with family, but I find myself growing resentment. The more lenient I am, the more they take. Where is the line between being a doormat and being gracious with family? How does one courteously set boundaries with ILs? And how much should I involve my husband in that?
    Husband sometimes meekly tells them to back off if they do something blatant but it doesn’t work long-term because he’s clearly trying to play the middle man and thus they don’t take him seriously.

    Your Highness Anonymous,
    I suspect annoyance or disappointment with hubby has magnified into five different “I am not okay” offenses that he leaves uncorrected. Before you travel much further down that street, I suggest your disappointment trying to live with it may be better than looking for another good man with a more considerate family behind him. It’s mighty easy to convert annoyances to marital dissatisfaction, which converts easily to marital threats, which promotes desire to escape, which fosters escape, and which causes recovery as single mom.

  2. Very pleased to see your frequent posts Sir Guy. Stay happy and healthy!

  3. Maddy

    Hi Sir Guy
    This post is so clear and wise that I feel compelled to write and praise you for it. Marriage is a daunting responsibility for any wife and with your teachings on this website I feel empowered and confident that my marriage will work – even in the face of the particular “situation” I am in.

    Everyday I try to find things to be grateful for in my life and you/this blog are certainly one of them.

    Many thanks again

    Your Highness Maddy,
    You’re on the right track, Maddy. You can do it.

  4. Chéma

    Hi Sir Guy,
    I would like your advice.
    How can we avoid to be mistreated or abused by a man ?
    Some men take advantage of the situation when women don’t have family members (men) to protect them.

    Your Highness Chema,

    Declare your objection loud, clear, and early. First time an ex-boyfriend is mentioned, emphatically stop the convo and steal the show momentarily with something like this:

    I threw that son of a bitch into the landfill; or, I kicked his ass out of my life so fast I got a speeding ticket going home.

    Accuracy is less important than anger and broadcasting your willingness to throw anybody aside that might mistreat you. Then return to your ladylike behavior.

    Also, don’t explain why you threw those guys out except to say “ he mistreated me.” You don’t want new guy to know what mistreatment means to you.


    • gonemaverick

      “…kicked his ass out of my life so fast I got a speeding ticket going home.” #giggling

      High five Sir Guy!

    • Chéma

      But in the Virtual Virginity series you told us not to mention ex boyfriends ?

      Your Highness Chema,
      You don’t. New guy will.

      • Chéma

        I’m sorry if I sound like an idiot but I don’t understand because you said
        “I threw that son of a bitch into the landfill; or, I kicked his ass out of my life so fast I got a speeding ticket going home.” so in this sentence I am supposed to talk about an ex ?

        Your Highness Chema,

        Describe mistreatment, abuse, etc. and don’t connect offense with an ex, so you’re not talking about exes. Talk about yourself in ways that new guy gets unexpected but clear messages.

        New guy will sooner or later inquire about exes. You don’t have to talk about them. Using the maltreatments as reminders for you only, tell new guy directly what you won’t tolerate. Examples: One guy hit me. One wouldn’t when I asked him to stop. One was too lazy for any gal. One proposed we shack up. One wanted a kid without marriage. One guy thought I should share the costs of dating. They all wanted sex without any obligation to me; a man that selfish is no man for me….

        Your objections should be endless and you’ll never have a better time to express them.


        • Chéma

          Ok and if a woman never had a boyfriend and is a virgin ? Should she said she had an (imaginary) ex she dumped the way you said to make him understand she can do the same with him ?

          Your Highness Chema,
          Mention the exes of someone else to get your message conveyed about the intolerable to you. You only need as excuse to broach the subject in order to sound credible. And don’t mention that you’re virgin.

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