2849. Man-think: “Do You Like Me?”

I’m fascinated about this subject, because I consider it so accurate. But I need feedback from readers to confirm or deny.

Ask a man who loves you if he likes you. I predict his response will be much more sincere than if he’s asked, Do you love me? He may respond something like this.

Sure, I like you, and he may even shift to using the key word out of eagerness to convince you.  I love (or like) your eyes and hair. I love (or like) your sexy appearance as you change for bed, I love (or like) how you handle the kids, etc. and on and on.

By asking if he likes you, he’s able to release his sincerity as if you doubted him, perhaps use your favorite word, and even be anxious to convince you that you’re valuable to him. But it’s not your whole self as person or wife. He spotlights the qualities he admires, which means they are virtues to him. The more virtues you accumulate, the stronger his loving attachment because men seek to marry a virtuous woman.

If you begin with questions about his ‘love’, his sincerity hides behind the façade of manly questioning about honesty. If you begin with the term ‘like’, his mind tells his heart it’s okay to expose how he feels. It’s the way the male nature works; if he can be precise and sincere, he can unload his feelings. If he’s expected to love as women love, he doubts himself and can’t be precise or sincere trying to please her with three little words.

Thus, women face this dilemma. Her ears want to hear ‘love’ about her as whole person or wife. However, he likes or admires specific qualities rather than ‘love’ her generally. He’s more accurate that way.

A well-loved woman learns to discriminate and convert his words and actions about her virtues and conclude how worthy she is from what he does. It doesn’t just pop up in her heart convincingly as it does when he claims the shortcut, “Yes, I love you.” But then, when he responds that way, he’s not totally sincere and doesn’t feel good about himself.

With that in mind, successful marriage depends more on how she uncovers his admiration and liking her than on three little words. She expects to hear the words, which she takes as super-meaningful. He wants to deliver his dedication to her in actions that produce, provide, protect, and problem solve on their mutual interest. She wants words but he delivers actions he expects her to interpret as his love of her.

That’s my conclusion about how the male and female nature interact naturally. But I need feedback from readers to confirm or deny. I ask readers to give it a test drive. See what happens if you ask ‘do you like me?’ Do you get a more exciting answer out of him?



Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

5 responses to “2849. Man-think: “Do You Like Me?”

  1. Lady Penny

    Hi Sir Guy,

    Interesting post as usual. When you say, “Ask a man who loves you if he likes you” I assume the man in question is a Mr. GoodEnough or a husband and not one’s dad, brother(s) and a guy who is just a friend. That said, I do not have a Mr. GoodEnough to ask that question to at the moment, however the last guy I “dated”, wanted to know if I liked him. His question was born out of his sensing my gradual and silent withdrawal from the relationship since I had concluded that he was actually not a Mr GoodEnough and was busy plotting my escape from it. Will definitely bait my hook with your suggestion of “Like” next time though to see what intel in the way of virtues or qualities he admires, he has collected on me.

    By the way, now that it is on my mind, I’m curious if a lady were to ask that question to other men who she assumes or knows love her like her dad, brother(s) or guy who is just a friend, will the response be sincere?

    Your Highness Lady Penny,
    Re dad, brother, friend. They already have adjusted to loving you by incorporating all your good qualities into their thinking. They’ve already connected with you on the love spectrum and to inquire about the details would make them uncomfortable. They figure they’ve expressed and forgotten the details of loving you many times over. To ask if they like you would suggest they don’t when they know they do. Wrong results would arise of having them explain themselves.

    • CartieB


      I really enjoyed this post today. I am curious about your answer on Lady Penny’s post comment, specifically “When you say, “Ask a man who loves you if he likes you” I assume the man in question is a Mr. GoodEnough or a husband.” Is this a question that would not deliver wrong results if we ask a husband or Mr GoodEnough?

      Your Highness CartieB,
      Right, that’s who it should be aimed at. Husband or boyfriend who doesn’t claim often enough that he loves her. The object is to get him thinking more often about her worth to him.

    • Lady Penny

      Sir Guy,

      “to inquire about the details would make them uncomfortable.”

      “To ask if they like you would suggest they don’t when they know they do.”

      Was wondering about those possibilities when I asked the question! I appreciate your confirmation and swift response, your handsomeness!

  2. Magnolia

    Guess what, Sir Guy? As soon as my husband walked through the door he gave me a kiss and I asked him if he likes me. He said: “I don’t like you, I love you!” But then he always freely says that he loves me, so I guess the experiment doesn’t apply to me.

    I have something to share with you and questions for you. Hubby always showers me with attention and affection and brings flowers, and shows attention to detail, etc. In that respect he is not like many men. BUT he expects the same level of attention. Have you read about attachment theory? He’s an anxious attacher. I’m a secure attacher. He often drives me nuts with his wanting constant togetherness. I’ve never been with someone like that. He gets really insecure. Doesn’t want me to go out to any events such as the Christmas party that we had at work or with any mixed group of people. He would have to be present for me to be able to go, you see. I don’t have any problems with him going until he requires it. I’ve encouraged him to go out with friends and he says he doesn’t need it. I don’t need nor want constant togetherness.

    He doesn’t want me to be out with women, either, unless they are Christian. I’m not used to this. I was used to coming and going as I liked before. Never lived irresponsibly. I don’t know what to make of this. It seems that he is under the impression that he can give me permission to go out or whatever.

    I recently started working on a business on the side, as I’ve said before. I am working exclusively with women, partly because of the way he is. Well, he said again that it would be good if I work only with the women from our church. Can you believe that? When you grow a business, yes, you should have a target market, but to limit myself to the ladies from my congregation is crazy! He starts getting very insecure and I feel like I have to drop everything that I’m doing at the moment and rush to calm him, reassure him and work on his ego. This doesn’t allow me to get things done. He’s thrown a few fits. I am trying to take a business off the ground. I often think about the article Why You Aren’t Married Yet by Tracy Mc Millan when she said something along the lines of: “I know it seems unfair that you have to be walking around a man’s fears and insecurities in order to get a husband but actually is perfect, because walking around a man’s fears and insecurities is a lot of what you’re going to do when you’re married.” Truer words were never written, Sir Guy.

    He says he supports me, but he often doesn’t show it. There is a forum for business women and someone asked a question: “Does your husband support your business?” Some said that they have this same situation that I mentioned: on paper their husbands do but in reality we don’t know. Then there was the woman who said that she was being interviewed by a man (another business owner) and recorded the interview and she showed it to husband. Husband got upset and told her that “she was smiling too much at the guy and to never do an interview again.” Oh, boy.

    What I’m trying to tell you with all this is that I see patterns in how men behave. I know it has to do with the male ego. I just don’t know how to deal with this. It makes me really upset, annoyed and exasperated. We had talked about building businesses before we got married. I want to be able to conceive and or adopt and stay home with baby/babies, so there is a purpose in what I’m doing. I want to be able to quit my job sooner than later. It’s totally possible. Many women have been able to do it within 12 to 18 months. If he would only let me get things done.

    Again, I was never with anyone like this before and had and exercised freedom, yet never lived a crazy, irresponsible life. Never ran around with many men, never was into parties, never got drunk, did drugs or anything like that. Sure, I made mistakes, but never lived a wild life. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t trust me. He says that he trusts me, but that he doesn’t trust other people. I’m 42, but I end up feeling like a 2 year old little girl who needs constant supervision with him not allowing me to do this or that, or go here or there.

    If possible, I would love it if you wrote an article about this. It makes me think about other cultures in countries where women can’t, for example, leave the house without the husband or a male relative—even a son who is still a child. Also, I remember when I was in college I took an elective course. It was Introduction to Sociology and on the textbook there was a picture of a woman who had very small feet because of foot binding. I knew about that practice before, but was shocked when I read in a caption below the picture that the woman had her hand on a table next to her in order to be able to stand on her feet. Otherwise, her feet were so small that she would not be able to stand, let alone walk. My situation with my husband being jealous, possessive, controlling is, of course, not nearly as restrictive, but I think it comes from the same place—a fear of losing significance. I’ve read also that male energy is about control and wants to contain the feminine.


    My husband has done a lot for me. He has given me a house, takes care of me (he covers by far most of our expenses willingly and happily and takes pride in being a good provider), puts me first, sacrifices for me, buys me so much stuff (even when I’ve asked him a thousand times not to buy so much), whatever show I want to see he takes me, cooks for me, loves to see me laughing and otherwise pleases me in pretty much everything that I want. BUT I don’t know what to make of what I mentioned above.

    Your Highness Magnolia,

    He specializes in giving what he thinks keeps you happy. In exchange he gets control. It’s common man-think these days.

    To take it deeper in search of solution, I see it this way. He daily keeps you happy by investing all of himself to do it. He expects a return on his investment, and knows of nothing else but control over you. The question becomes, can his expectation for return on investment be satisfied in some other way?

    Magnolia, you’re the relationship expert. Only you can do it. May I suggest a new strategy?

    Gently, calmly, and even though disapprovingly in his eyes, choose a few battles over which you stand up for yourself more insistently and even rigidly. Win a few battles of freedom of personal action, and getting your way. Your doing it will offend, but the results should in no way offend him, so pick your battles wisely. His ROI will come from his realization that you make him look good by doing certain things your way. He married and is more satisfied with the right woman.

    The objective is for him to see that you’re wise enough to deal with him effectively and with your activities away from him without threat to him. The more he becomes satisfied with who you are and what you do, the more satisfying his ROI.

    Don’t argue just insist on getting your way. Don’t blame him, criticize his shortcomings, or complain about too much togetherness. Keep such things to yourself.


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