Using pseudonym A. Guy Maligned, I expose mysteries of why men and women have so much trouble living together as couples. And why it is that as women goes, so goes society.
I dedicate this blog to females that groom and dress to be pretty instead of erotic, attractive instead of comfortable, and modest instead of convenient. Each one reminds how much more beautiful the world can be.
My World War II generation has something that younger generations have lost. We consider the opposite sex separate, equal, and more highly respected than our own gender. Separate because sex differences do matter. Equal because equality is impossible to achieve on earth, but we all deserve equality under the law according to the Declaration of Independence and constitutional law. More respectful of the opposite sex because we admire rather than envy their uniqueness.
Married to Grace in our first and only marriage for each, we raised three boys but lost one to leukemia when he was 30.
It took awhile, but we learned new ways to make the days blissful for each other. Consequently, after 59 years we had a great, fun-filled life. She graciously and encouragingly smoothed out wrinkles in all that you read. Without her wonderful support, unwavering confidence, and extreme patience, this blog would be just a dream about many unwritten books. Then, she passed away in February 2014.
My experience accumulated across many professional sectors that included senior naval officer, major university professor, graduate college dean, congressional chief of staff and campaign manager, and a unique policy billet in a Fortune 100 company. The primary influences for this blog, however, flow out of 66 years of studying human behavior as vocation and avocation and teaching motivational theory, leadership, and management in the navy and business world where men and women were expected to be more alike for mission achievement. Then, about the turn of the century I started comparing and isolating differences in the sexes and using those to uncover and explain different behaviors that have accumulated to well over a million words in more than 2800 daily articles.
My email is PlanoHelm@suddenlink.net.
What Women Never Hear 
I love it!!!! I’m so glad that you and Grace have chosen to be my friends! You all are the best
I couldn’t find a single idea out of place, out of date, or out of touch with the male/female dynamic of today’s world: and I read 50+ entries.
I can’t imagine the flack you must catch, now and again, from some women, for such clinical and largely undeniable observations. But then, I most definitely respect such a well-meaning effort directed at a largely oblivious and self-deceptive demographic.
I applaud your work, enjoyed the read, and sincerely hope that your writing brings about a better world for all of us.
~ Driz
Exactly what I wanted to say. Thank you for this blog!
GIGGLE!!! Very true!
Good for you, Guy, I’m behind you…
Fabulous! And I’ve only begun my read. Your lives together has obviously taught you how to love and cherish the opposite sex.
I’m sorry for the loss of one of your sons, and as a woman, I thank you for raising them to be manly men in the right way!
I find many of the ideas in these entries rather stereotypical. They seem to reinforce artificial gender roles and strengthen the “gender binary” gap. I feel this can be harmful in many ways. I appreciate the fact that you are so passionate though, and I know your heart is in the right place.
AGM responds: You’re near the top of my favorite viewers. Thanks.
Feminists politicize history studies to advance the feminist agenda. Especially women studies.
Watch for forthcoming posts entitled: From feminine mystique to feminist mistakes.
Guy
The most recent post on Infatuation is absolutely prophetic!!..It is so undeniably accurate…and you have been given a true gift in your ability to articulate these truths…….. once you post them they become so blatantly obvious to your female readers…….please keep up this amazing work……your insights have become priceless to me………
Thanks for your writings. Very interesting.
A great read for men too !!
Signed: A Man
Fantastic blog! I applaud you for presenting your thoughts in such a professional manner. My ex-wife would tear you to pieces just for your honesty. Although presented in a more random fashion, my blog is similar to yours and she (my-ex) was the primary catalyst for writing it.
I only wish I’d found you prior to a disastrous string of “relationships.” Where have you been all my life??
Your Highness,
Where have I been? Trying to figure out how some women can think, act, and talk as they do in direct conflict with the natural self-interest of females. The next comment below exemplifies it.
Guy</em>
LOL, “what women never hear.” More like, “What women hear every fucking day from the patriarchy we live in, in various forms or another.”
Yet another whiny-ass titty baby blaming women for his problems.
When Girlhood provides sex easily, boys turned down take it personal. He must be lacking, since she yields to other boys. He’s indirectly told that he’s insignificant or worse. His self-esteem takes a temporary hit, but self-image takes a permanent hit: He can’t compete with other guys. Forced to face his shortcomings so dramatically causes bitterness and self-hatred that too easily leads to violence later if not sooner.
IOW, women are public utilities who are somehow obliged to share their favors “equitably” with any douchebag who asks. Also with the Nice Guys(tm) who don’t ask, but hang around us pretending to be our “friends” simply because they want to get into our pants. And if we have the temerity to, you know, fuck whom we want to — that is, pretend we’re real human beings with agency, just like men — we’re asking to be bitch-slapped or raped!
Charming. You ever consider why you can’t compete with other guys? I guess it’s easier to put up a blog pissing and moaning about how all women are conniving slutty bitches than to, you know, change your fucking personality.
Loser.
Your Highness,
You say: “…we’re real human beings with agency, just like men…” Precisely correct! However….
The more women duplicate men regarding sexual mores and practices, the more men see and treat them as guys—just guys-with-a-difference. Men win and women lose.
Guy
Guy ,
Could you please put the before and after links above the posts? I can’t find my commnts- and the contests page is too confusing- I prefer to read them in chronoligoical order
thanks!
Miss Dawn,
I understand how you want to access, but I don’t understand what you want me to do. My technical guru will visit me in a few days, and I will refer it to him.
Guy
Hi Guy,
Before you changed the format of your posts- for example:
On post # 261
there would be a two links right above the posts title which could put you at either post #260 or #262
A person could begin at post #1 and read consecutively to the last one!
But now those links are gone and the make it around on your post is from the contents page- which has no dates- or the “Top POst or Recent Post” links, which only list about 6 or 7 at a time.
I hope this explains it better- since I come here a lot and like to make refernces this would make it a lot easier!
MD
Miss Dawn,
Got it. My guru will explore solutions soon.
Guy
The links are back!!! Yayy! Thanks so much to you and your guru!!!
MD
First, thank you so much for taking the time to put your thoughts and wisdom on this blog.
It is embarassing to admit how ignorant I am re: men. I can’t believe I’ve gone my entire life knowing very little of this. So much makes sense now. As another commented, you explain the why behind the ‘rules’ making it much easier to both understand, implement and follow through. I’ve been reading and rereading every post to pound it into my head!
The man who fell the deepest in love with me started out as a ‘casual’ affair. I don’t know what I did differently? What makes for the exceptions to the rules? Is it possible to turn a man from feeling casual and unattached toward you to a deeply committed relationship after you’ve already had sex or is what happened with me more of a fluke?
Your Highness,
Rules usually improve odds, but they’re not customized to always work. Just like yourself, when you don’t always win.
Marriage is not finding the right person; it’s being the right person. If your relationship continues successfully, you may already be there. Or, you may not, and only your man knows for sure. His devotion says YES! His commitment says MAYBE!
Women can learn how to, why to, and with whom to be Ms. Right and later Mrs. Right. Mr. Right doesn’t want a Mrs. Wrong. (Incidentally, Mrs. Wrong emerges first when she becomes someone other than the bride he married.)
My blog presents truths about the male and female natures, ideas about modern customs and practices, and concepts about social and domestic pressures. Women in a learnable mode can craft their own solutions by exploiting their natural strengths and advantages to become the right person for the potential Mr. Right.
Guy
Wishing you and Grace many more blissful years of married life – what a team! You are also both offering such a wonderful service to women with this blog.
Bless!
Your Highness Melina,
And blessings on you and yours. Speaking of blissful, I don’t count the years. Grace does and her numbers are insignificant, as you shall see.
In contrast, my numbers are significant. I count the blissful days and know how to make each blissful. We’ve been married 19,689 as of today. Significant, right?
Guy
In regards to ‘b.g.’ and other feminists that I happen to encounter through my blog as well…. why do so many of them seem to have such foul mouths?? Have you noticed this? They all seem to love the ‘f word’ as well. And, why do they have to express themselves in such a nasty and embittered manner?
Hmmm….
Your Highness Melina,
Right you are. They can’t do enough to imitate the gender they hate and mock the gender they are. Isn’t it ironic? Pitiful? Self-hatred?
Guy
This blog is awesome and I am telling my girlfriends about it.
I have been putting these principles into action for some time now (years) and I have more men chasing me than probably ever in my life – chastity and femininity really does pay. Yes I have been dumped for not putting out and it did hurt temporarily – I like how you put it though that I have actually won in that case. But God is good and for every man that did that God brought several to replace him. And funnily enough – sometimes those men that dumped me because I would not sleep with them re-appear – sometimes repeatedly.
This blog really is ‘Salt’ and ‘Light’ – and dare I say it – I belive there is an annointing on it – God bless you and your family.
Anita
Your Highness Anita,
Thank you. I love it when pretty girls tell me such things.
Guy
Guy, this is a fantastic site, and I’m enjoying reading it from post #1 forward. While your words reflect wisdom, they also have a youthful energy that made it a shock to discover how long you and Grace have walked together!
I also feel very sorry for feminists such as “b.g.”, who are so wound up in their own preconceived notions about men that they take something out of context, see it in the worst imaginable light, and then attack. They have been taught no better; our society encourages the form of immature post-childhood tantrum-throwing that they call “emotional honesty”.
Anger interferes with learning and listening, prevents problem-solving, basically makes us slaves. Modern feminism–I would argue ANY feminism, but that’s a whole ‘nother subject–is built on envy and its resultant anger; it prevents us from hearing the “other side” and resolving the “war between the sexes”, as “b.g.” very neatly demonstrated. Feminism, instead of liberating women, enslaves us!
I know you’re a man and therefore don’t respond with discouragement to carping from angry people, but I still want to encourage you to keep writing and don’t let the Angro-Americans make you think you’re wasting your time! Thank you and your lady wife for this blog, and thank God for folks like you!
Your Highness Mrs. Pilgrim,
Thank you. I love it when pretty women say such things, especially cite new terms such as Angro-Americans. Wife Grace loved the part about ‘youthful energy’.
Guy
Hello Guy!
Hey where did the “Who owns who?” Post go???
😦
Miss Dawn
Your Highness Miss Dawn,
It remains in place as the first post at blog top.
Guy
Hi Guy!
Have you heard about the girl who is auctioning her virginity off on Ebay? Please please please.. Do a thread on this. I would love to hear your opinion on this issue. Also, there are so many hostile female responses to the issue that it proves that most women are clueless about what virginity means to men. What do you think? If yoiu haven theard of this just google it and check it out for yourself. I hear that the bid is up to 3.8 Million!
I wish I has known my virginity was that valuablewhen I was 13~!
Princess Dawn,
Yes, I heard about it. The principles by which I live intuitively guide me to ignore it.
1) God gave her free will. If she sins, she can answer to him. None of my business.
2) It’s her life. She provides no redeeming social graces, so I have no interest in adding to her notoriety. For example. She wants the money for a college education. Just hers, or will she then give the excess away for education of others?
3) Don’t know how the law reads about prostitution. Let the cops worry about it.
4) Once she hit the news, notoriety set it. Any future husband will have to deal with her as pseudo celebrity and know that everyone knows who screwed his wife. He can brag about how much she brought home, but no one I know would want to fill his shoes. (She’ll probably run through several husbands, each one trying to get her money.)
5) She displays a lack of self-respect that most females find undignified if not disgusting. Methinks the greatest value to womanhood would be to ignore her. Men won’t, so women should.
6) Paying for sex, much less so outrageously, adds nothing to the male ego as true conquest does. So, bidders are after notoriety more than conquest or her.
Guy
Thansk for your perspetive Guy. Always enlightening to hear from you. Also, I am going to be startign a group for women and will be referencingyour site a lot. God Bless u!
MD
I love your site. Keep it up !
Your Highness,
I love it when pretty women tell me such things.
Guy
Hi,
I’ve been a reader for awhile, and I just want your perspective on something. I always seem to attract the wrong type of man whenever I go out. I dress in jeans and a t-shirt, so my clothes are plain but I don’t feel like they’re frumpy either. After talking to a guy who’s interested in me for five minutes, I either get one of three types: he’s either been to jail, we aren’t similar on an educational level (I’m looking for someone who has a degree or in the process of getting one. Not saying that not having one makes you less of a human, but for me, I think it’s a requirement) or, he’s old enough to be my father and would like a ” female friend”. (Not that I find anything wrong with older men dating younger women, but that’s another subject all together different.) Any idea as to what I’m doing wrong here, or is it just plain luck. (or in my case, unluck.)
Princess Michelle,
Forget luck and unluck. Just learn more about men and women. You are in charge, so charge!!!!!!!!!!
This puts you at tremendous disadvantage: “I dress in jeans and a t-shirt, so my clothes are plain….”
Classy clothes make unattractive women desirable for more than sex. You may find interest in Boob language, Her Exceptionalness, and Virtue—Magnet for Males. In the meantime, consider this:
Dress like guys and be treated like a guy. Better candidates are elsewhere than where you go in t-shirt.
Women, not men, are chosen by appearance. Men worth capturing adopt fashion and style that keeps up with the more desirable women—not always the more attractive either. Men want class more than ass in a woman they hope to keep.
Plain clothes mean plain woman, good for sex and little else. Plain women don’t attract plain men, aka Mr. Good Enough. They attract worse, the undependable and desperate. Such men lack ambition to invest their selves, so they default to plain Jane.
Finally, raise your sights. Try this: Appear so drop-dead gorgeous (stylish, modest, and lit up non-sexually but never radical) to that level of men that they would not dare to even speak. Then, you’ll attract the men that better match your expectations. Except when sex is cheap and easy, men compete for women. If you don’t exploit their game, you’ll continue disappointed.
Guy
Guy, what would you say are the “courtesan” qualities a wife should have, I think I know but am curios to hear what you say
Your princessness Theresa,
Courtesan means high-class prostitute. Let’s separate terms.
Men don’t respect prostitutes enough to marry. Why not? Lack of respect.
Also, why would they want the proverbial whore in the bedroom except for sex disconnected from her wifeliness? Most husbands don’t want that, and wives shouldn’t.
Women confuse and inter mix two distinctly different male sex drives: one for sexual release, the other for conquering—aka spreading seed.
By believing that men want whorish behavior in the bedroom, women weaken their own desire for intimacy to accompany sex. Men marry for frequent and convenient sexual release. Orgasm restarts his frequency, but minimum foreplay and no afterplay determine convenience. Another unintended consequence: Disparage men and deny women.
Moreover, husbands appreciate a high-class wife in the bedroom It confirms their conviction of her classiness outside the bedroom. Whorish behavior does not convey that.
Wife’s ‘entertainment’ shifts bedroom intimacy over to sex, which ignites his adventurous imagination about more and elsewhere. It also generates some measure of disrespect for her that undermines his devotion.
What qualities for a wife in the bedroom? High-class respectability that makes him appreciate her self-respect. Men appreciate self-respect as shown in post 515. Modesty and avoiding embarrassment should follow her behind closed doors. This means she may refuse certain practices without refusing coitus. How she acts in the bedroom should match her values, standards, and expectations outside. He’s not two-faced in and out of the bedroom, so she shouldn’t be.
Guy
Michelle,
I think another piece is dressing appropriately for where you are. So, if you were at a ball game, clearly t-shirt and jeans is fine. But if you’re out at the local watering hole (and always there at around the same time, which means you’re going to get the SAME crowd of men), t-shirt and jeans announces “casual”–and there’s nothing wrong with casual–but casual + local watering hole = the type of men you described are going to be the ones who approach you. Never to say that you should abandon one of your favorite spots, but just do a little experiment. Go at your usual time(s) wearing more snazzy clothing and see what kind of men approach you. Go at times different from when you normally go out, but wearing your t-shirt and jeans, and see what kind of men approach you.
In the town I’m in, afternoons in a pub/eateries tend to have more of the professional men there because they’re on lunch or having business meetings there. The “happy hour” times at those same places, tend to attract more scallywags, namely because happy hour means “cheaper booze and free food.”
Doesn’t take much to figure out what kind of guys would most likely be showing up for cheap booze and free food AND trying to use that time to hit on ladies* ;>
Other thing, and this is REALLY subtle…if you drink bottled beer when out, ALWAYS ask for a glass. My female friends–and sometimes the bartender at a place we might go to–will mock me when we go out and I request a glass with the rare beer that I order (I’m usually a wine-o). I try to explain to them that sucking down a beer straight from the bottle {looks a little too much like} something else. A man’s mind doesn’t have to work hard to jump from watching them drink their beer to imagining them doing “something else.”
Ironically, the men that approach us treat them much more informally than they do me. And usually, so does the bartender that originally mocked me for asking for a glass!!
Men DO notice those subtle cues…
**Happy hour is TOTALLY fine for “guys night out,” however, or a guy just having a drink after work before heading home…to his wife/family. ;>
Your Highness Stacy,
You sure know how to mine gold out of patriarchy.
Guy
Guy, I got my terms mixed up. I was’nt thinking in sexual terms. I was thinking more in terms what traits inspire a more passionate feelings for one’s wife. The one’s I was thinking were dependency on your husband so he feels masculine, I guess in general the more masculine you make him feel, the more passionate he will feel about you. I have seem places where people refer to these traits as courtesan, because that’s why many men have affairs because the mistress makes him feel like a man and wives ignore this. There, I think I clarified things
Your Highness Theresa,
You described it pretty well. I would add this:
Men can’t stand to fail. Making mistakes or being wrong means failure. Rather than escape, he compensates. Memories of disappointing wife and self can be eased by another woman to whom he can still boast a ‘perfect record’. (Men have much harder time than women living with their emotions.)
Also, fewer and simpler responsibilities with mistress mean less likelihood of mistakes. It makes the grass appear greener, except that dumping wife for mistress turns the grass back to wifely and critical brown. Hence, he compensates at home rather than escapes.
Guy
Guy,
Gold mining’s in my blood…I AM from California afterall. 😉
Ah yes, it ruins the dreamlike facade(sp?)
Princess Theresa,
As Dennis Prager pointed out just today on his radio show: To the extent that your mind rules over emotions, you will find happiness.
Guy
Guy, a man will keep a mistress a mistress because if he marries her, the fantasy is ovah! I’m a big listeners of Dennis as well
Your Ladyship,
Right on, Theresa. I’m gonna use it.
Guy
“Moreover, husbands appreciate a high-class wife in the bedroom It confirms their conviction of her classiness outside the bedroom. Whorish behavior does not convey that.”
Guy!!?? You mean that a man never wants a BJ from his wife?? This must be a white guy thing- I can’t tell you how many married men visit prostitutes because of soemthing kinky that his wife wont do. I thought that men want a “lady in the streets and a ho in the sheets.”
This is strange. So if a man respects his wife he only has a desire to have delicate missionary sex with her for the rest of thier days? Really?
The classic Madonna Whore Complex Lives!
I hate that. Why cant a woman be both as long as the whore is subservient to the madonna?
Your Highness Miss Dawn,
Princess Stacy nails it giftedly in the next two comments. Wish I could say it that way, but I can’t.
In quoting me above, the key words are ‘appreciate a high-class wife’. It’s not about his sexual urges but his consequent opinions about her.
Of course, men may want BJ. What else signifies and confirms her subservience and his dominance? Her ultimate indignity requires no foreplay investment by him. So, what’s not to like, want, expect, demand?
They can have hetero BJs, but when she goes down her self-respect goes down—IN HIS EYES. This weakens or prevents his respect and consequent love for her.
You say, “I can’t tell you how many married men visit prostitutes because of something kinky that his wife won’t do.” Don’t read what follows as justification for anything, it’s just the way things are.
This will make you scream, but taking on the kinky with prostitutes leaves respect intact for wife. Morally vacuous it may be, disrespectful and unfaithful it is, but domestic aftershocks are absent when the wife doesn’t know.
Visiting prostitutes is far superior to viewing porn. Prostitutes release sexual energy and leave little behind except perhaps a man’s guilt. Such visits don’t disturb a man’s allegiances.
Porn releases no sexual energy, even though sated temporarily by masturbation. Views and scenes linger in a man’s imagination, energize his curiosity for more and better, and divide his allegiance between what he has (wife) and wants to have (dreams fulfilled).
After visiting a prostitute, the male’s mind may lose self-respect, and guilt may set in. But he can learn to live with it and the family can survive more easily than if husband’s respect for wife declines. Marriage is not about perfection; it’s all about surviving the imperfections. (Women can’t do it as men do and still keep a relationship together. They bond with sexual partners in ways that disrupt relationships.)
Missionary sex takes its name from people that live up to someone bigger than their selves. Varying with each couple, at some point beyond the simplest expressions of intimate love, sexual gratification will override character, life’s goals, personal responsibility, and living up to something bigger than Self. When sex takes the high road, other things become insignificant—some vital to domestic tranquility.
Guy
P.S. Congratulations on your women’s group. Blessings on your efforts.
G.
Thank you for this… it opened a door for me in the past.
Never again. No wonder he called me his little slut and saw nothing wrong with it. :o(
I never like it, and hated being called that…. not long after that first happen.
Miss Dawn,
This has nothing to do with race at all! Come on now!
If you are “acting,” then you are having a particular *type* of sexual encounter for the enjoyment of your husband…but not for your OWN enjoyment. The more you do that, the less he values you because 1) it feels artificial to begin with and 2) when a woman starts *giving* to a man, in this case “ho sex”–whatever that definition may mean for the individual–BECAUSE she’s heard/believes that that’s what men want, then she is no longer in the cherished role (to use Pat Allen’s language) BECAUSE she’s now trying to operate as the “giver.”
Obviously no one is discounting passionate, wild sex in a marriage, trying something new TOGETHER, or giving your spouse a surprise or two. BUT when your sexual experience as a wife becomes one of “acting,” rather than RE-acting to the cherishing behaviors of your husband (and, as such, your passion and sexual excitement are *naturally* coming from that)…then your sexual relationship is not one based on intimacy, it’s based on just sex and it’s “just sex” based on pleasing HIS desires…not yours. That’s a turn-off for most husbands who truly value/cherish their wives.
Read Argov’s “Why Men Marry B*itches.” She has sections on this with excerpts from men talking about how they’d view a girlfriend/wife if she started “acting” in the bedroom.
When men talk about “a ho/freak in the bed,” what they mean is that they want a wife who is passionate about having sex with them. Who is excited about having sex with them and enjoys it.
They’re not saying that they need their wife to install a stripper pole in the bedroom and bust out the “103 Super Sex Tips” featured in the latest issue of Cosmo magazine, every time they have sex.
For G-d’s sakes….most men hope that, at the very least, their wife would/will CONTINUE to have sex with them period, since many are aware of husbands who AREN’T having sex anymore with their spouses!
Hi Stacy,
I do belive that there are cultural differences- I just find it interesting that most of the married men who see sex workers are married and white- I ‘m not sure men of color who marry hold the same Madonna/Whore beliefs about thier wives. I intend to reserch this further. Anyway, you didn’t adress what Guy said: “This will make you scream, but taking on the kinky with prostitutes leaves respect intact for wife.” I didn’t infer anything about acting. Quite the OPPOSITE! I’m talking about a kinky woman! I ‘m not talking abotu the sweet virgin who experiments with anal just to please her man. I’m talking about the virtual virgin who now that she has her husband wants to get nasty. Basically Guy has confirmed my greatest fear (perhaps mopre of a blow to my female ego than anything..lol) that once I land the husband of my dreams, I dare not ever go along with any of his kinky request lest as in Guys own words: “They can have hetero BJs, but when she goes down her self-respect goes down—IN HIS EYES. This weakens or prevents his respect and consequent love for her. ” I’m not sure why this makes my blood boil, perhaps bercause I have unusually high libido for a woman. Also, because i have done sex work myself, I just hate the idea of thinking that even though my husband may cherish and love me – he would go and see a hooker. But, if there is no other way which I think there is- I can ultimatly accept it- but my oh my- just as many of these realizatiosn are- it a hard pill to swallow. (pun intended)
So what will someone say now? That I am a great example of how too much too soon can ruin a woman? That too much knowledge of sex, kills a certain level of innocence? I’m too smart to try and pretend that I have the same mindset/purity/innocence as say, my freind “Jane” who is 32 and a virgin. But at the same time, if I just throw up my hands as I have done in the past and say “WELL I’M RUINED, I’M DIRTY AND UNPURE AND NO ONE WILL EVER WANT ME SO I MIGHT AS WELL JUST….”
The thing is is that I’m determined not to let my past determine my future and it’s a message that I am preaching to all young unvirgin women. There is a dangerous message that tell girls that they are less valuable than virgins and when they internalize this belief they use it as a licnese to be a “girl gone wild” even worse than before. I mean, it’s nto like you can go buy a new virginity on Ebay right? So there is a fine line between the acceptance of the loss of innocence but it must be balanced with sober, positive, life-affriming attitudes to prevent further self-destruction.
But my dream of pole dancing for my hubby isnt completly dead yet..lol/ 🙂
And before anyone wants to wild crazy on Guy in terms of “kink,” let me remind you….kink is relative. Without a doubt there is someone out there who can easily, comfortably and within their *natural nature*, “out kink you,” so please…don’t assume you’re somehow living on the outer edges, sexually.
KINK IS RELATIVE. What matters is what works for the two people in a marriage, having sex. It’s about what works for you two. Because lest we ALL forget, “kink” is NATURALLY restricted as a function of age.
If you’re a marriage-minded woman, you need to keep that in mind. Pardon the frank talk, but note that there are no stripper poles, threesomes, or acrobat swings in the soy oil/moon ease tea/wild yam ointment/viagra-cialis commericals and catalogue ads! Why? Because the FOCUS of your marital sex life should be YOU TWO….NOT what everyone else may or may not be doing or what some magazine is saying that you *should* be doing!!!
Ladies…you want a man who’s willing to be in it with you for the LONG HAUL…not one embarrassing himself–drunk or high–later in life at the local watering-hole where the 20-somethings are because he AND you both bought into the hype when you *were* married. Trust me, it’s sad to see.
…and you don’t want to be there–as a mature woman–either!!
This may be waaay out of line- But Guy has been married a long time. And if he means to say that after 40 years of marriage that if he didi something kinky with Grace that his respect for her would lower?
That’s just crazy to me. The discrepancy between the average modern womans belifs and the truth are astontishing.
Your Ladyship Miss Dawn,
You have it backward. If she let me do or get by with something that disrespected her, I’d lose respect for both of us. It ain’t the doing, it’s the results we live with.
Guy
“I just find it interesting that most of the married men who see sex workers are married and white- I ‘m not sure men of color who marry hold the same Madonna/Whore beliefs about thier wives.”
!!!!NOT TRUE. WAKE UP MISS DAWN!!!!
The P. Diddy, Foxy, and Lil Kim era introduced a new millin into the brown-ethnic and white blue collar communities where “socially sanctioned prostitution” became accepted. Why do you need to go to a “sex worker” when you can go to your girlfriend’s/wife’s sister, your neighbor, your baby mama, woman on the side, ex-girlfriend, etc.? You are *semantically* correct, perhaps, in terms of maybe white men going to “sex workers” but don’t even believe FOR A MINUTE that men of color are not having their “needs” met by other women…even if YOU think YOU’RE giving them the “ho sex of their lives!”
There. is. ALWAYS. a. woman. who. looks. better. than. you. Is. freakier. than. you. Is. more. interesting. to. bed. than. you. Who. looks. better. naked. than. you.
What puts YOU on a pedestal is NOT your sex skills, it’s you’re WHO YOU ARE skills. Who you are is what gets a man’s cherishing energy…not your BJs.
I’ll post more about this tomorrow morning. I’ve gotta get to a drum rehearsal. :>
Hmmm… Not quite sure I understand where this is all going.
Guy,
Can you specifically clarify 2 issues for me….
Are you saying in order for the wife to keep respect she should not give BJs and also that it is OK and acceptable for husbands to go to prostitutes?
Princess Reina,
Re prostitutes: You missed this sentence preceding the subject: “Don’t read what follows as justification for anything, it’s just the way things are.”
I address your other question in your comment below.
Guy
Miss Dawn,
I guess, at the end of the day, if the sex thing is this important to you, you could use a yes/no/maybe sheet.
Reina,
I think what Guy is saying is that any thing a woman is doing to simply *service* a man is going to cause him to lose respect for her. For each woman (and man, I suppose), whatever that “thing” is may vary, but “the thing” or “things” still exists. It exists even in BDSM & Poly marriages, where most people might think that “anything goes.”
In terms of prostitutes, Guy is just detailing the thought process. Nothing he wrote says that he thinks it’s “okay” for men to see prostitutes. He IS, however, comparing the potential relationship damage of a man visiting a prostitute versus a man having a porn addiction. Essentially, talking about picking between two evils.
Describing a reality doesn’t mean that you’re condoning it.
Your Ladyship Stacy,
Thank you for another perfect interpretation and translation.
Guy
Stacy,
I do not see how your explanation washes with what Guy said and really want to hear directly from him.
Also, all this business of “servicing” a man sexually is only wrong in a premarital relationship.
If you want to get biblical about it-and that is the only absolute authority I seek- both spouses are SUPPOSED to be “servicing” each other.
1st Corin. 7:3-4
“A wife does not have authority over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband doesn’t have authority over his own body, but his wife does. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.”
There are many times (sexually or non-sexually) that you will be doing something of service totally for your partner. For a woman to do this before marriage is what is wrong. A husband is called upon more and mostly for the self-sacrificing and so the man must demonstrate his devotion and commit, but the wife should also be giving, to the extent that she is not feeling she is doing something that is wrong or disrespectful to her. See below-
If you are keeping the marriage undefiled and there are no other moral issues to contend with (ie, NO partner swapping, porn, bestiality, pedophilia), there is very little if any thing left that needs to be refrained from.
Princess Reina,
Princess Stacy clarifies it well. Also, you nailed it with “…she is not feeling she is doing something that is wrong or disrespectful to her.”
First Corinthians can be used to justify anything in the marital chamber, and I don’t find fault with it. But I hold that a higher duty, the Christian’s duty to honor one’s mate, excludes sex if the prospects threaten her self-respect.
For example, a female’s modesty may oppose his authority over her body. Then what? Possible consequences: He honors her modesty as imperative, or she acquiesces, or he claims his rights and imposes his will. Anyway in which they proceed beyond the act being considered or contested, she loses self-respect. Her reduced self-respect will drive down his respect for her. If he honors her modesty, her self-respect goes up.
Guy
Reina,
“but the wife should also be giving, to the extent that she is not feeling she is doing something that is wrong or disrespectful to her.”
Exactly. This IS what I said…so I’m not quite sure what you’re getting at.
{???}
WHY DID NO ONE REALLY HEAR WHAT I WAS SAYING?????
Stacy, I have No idea what the “YES/NO/MAYBE Sheet” is.
I just think it’s interesting how no one had adressed the simple questi0n/comment I was making.
So let me ask it another way..
What are the specific sex acts that destroy a HUSBANDS respect and consequent love for HIS WIFE?
Please read this carefully for all who keep misinterpreting my point, this is a quote from what Guy said above (explanations in parenthesis added by me so as to remove possibility of misinterpretation):
“…but when she (The WIFE) goes down (Performs oral sex on her husband because she ENJOYS it- the taste of him, the feeling of ultimate submission, etc.) her self-respect goes down—IN HIS EYES ( Even thought he enjoyed the act somehow he now respects/cherishes/ adores her less for some unknown and mysterious reason). This weakens or prevents his respect and consequent love for her. ”
THEREFORE, since I am serious about having the highest level of respect from my future husband, I seek to eliminate as many unecesarry mistakes as possible through knowledge that I am gaining from many sources, one being this Blog.
Now that what I am saying is more clear, is there anyone who can shed light on why this is, and if there is any way around it?
I know of girls who think that putting thier mouth “down there” is disgusting, so if a man married a girl like this, he would adore her even more because he knows her lips have never touched another cock before? Even if that means he forfeits it from his own wife. Or… Oh My God. This just popped into my head… No tell me it can’t be… He doesn’t WANT it from his pure wife!!
Since it’s the MAN not the WOMAN who regards a BJ(By the way, I just chose BJ to examine my point, please fell free to insert any act what falls outside of the lines of what men deem okay to do with thier pure wives) as dirty, nasty because HE knows what he’s done with his dick before he met her and HE is the one who feels like such a thing should not be in her mouth or ass or whatever.
Is this right? This is how man are right? So really, if a kinky woman get a man who loves her, she should NEVER reveal to him the fact that she would WANT to to these things, lest his consequent love and respect for her is weakened.
The Madonna/Whore Complex lives!
Your Highness Miss Dawn,
Please see my next comment below.
Guy
Thank you, Guy. Love your blog, just don’t always agree, but hey, that’s life and I get a lot of value out of it anyway.
Miss Dawn,
People will put a lot of information out there and you have to sort it out ultimately, for yourself.
On the whole issue of prostitutes vs porn being the lesser of two evils- I vehemently disagree. In fact, while both violate the marriage bed, the physical act of adultery itself is the highest level of disrespect a man could show his wife (or either spouse for the other) and is absolute grounds for divorce as the sanctity of the marriage covenant has totally been violated. Period.
Based on what the bible says about sex, as long as there is no moral issue, there is nothing wrong with one spouse performing any specific act to please the other (even if they don’t like it so much) as long as the other is not selfishly trying to impose their will on the other. Both spouses are supposed to be considerate of the other person.
In fact, if anything, it should then raise respect in the mind of the other, unless that person is warped. In that case, nothing you do will ever really be “right” in the mind of that person as they are on some sort of neurotic power trip- and those are the people we are trying to stay away from anyway.
If you did courtship the right way, and married “Mr. Right,” or at least “Mr. Good Enough, the sex games stop when you get married. Convenient and frequent access to sex, right? That means for both people, hello! Feel free to hang from the chandeliers if that does it for you.
I henceforth declare the Madonna/Whore complex DEAD! 🙂
Ladies,
You and I now operate on different wavelengths. Your youthfulness seeks specifics. I try to focus on subtle nuances not generally recognized. Please allow me to smother this stirred-up beehive with smoke and thus calm the bees.
I shot myself in the foot. I accept responsibility for opening subjects and sustaining comments far too complex and personal for public discourse. Never intended but I added unnecessary heat and stirred confusion into a pot devoted to clarity.
Please forgive me, ladies, and allow me to retreat with dignity. Not from What Women Never Hear, but from sex acts other than the generalized ‘having sex’.
Take this in a grandfather’s sense as if whispered in your ear: I love you.
Guy
*sigh*
Okay Guy, your off the hook this time. My conclusion on this subject is this: Stripper pole installation in our bedroom after the honeymoon. 🙂
Oh Guy, no worries. Yes, the world has turned so topsy-turvy that we thirst for clarity at every turn.
You know we love you too. 🙂
Your Ladyship Reina,
You added clarity with nice phrasing. Thanks.
Guy
okay, I’m late to the conversation, but I want to add this:
I’m Catholic, and it seems to me that Catholics have three fundamental rules for sex, rules which aren’t bad for anyone, especially anyone of Christian faith:
1. Sexual intimacy is to be reserved for husband and wife – it is unitive in nature;
2. Sexual intimacy is to be “open to live” – sex is by nature procreative; and finally,
3. Sexual intimacy should be approached with great respect and reverence – not only for one’s spouse, but also for the incredible Mystery we share in – (two becoming one, marriage being analagous to the union of Christ with His Church)
Within those parameters…???? Have fun! Oo la, la!
How’d I do, Guy? 🙂
Your Exceptionalness Laura,
You did wonderfully well. Thanks.
Guy
Guy,
Be sure to keep blogging your voice of sanity in a world where insanity parades as “normal.” Thank God there are some of us “oldies” who remember a time when men and women really loved and respected each other and dressed to show it; a time when no man of dignity would have interpreted the word “helpmeet” to mean the wife getting outside employment to support him.I feel sorry for the younger generation that never experienced chivalry or true femininity. Keep blogging. Tell us everything you know.
LadyLydia from http://www.homeliving.blogspot.com and http://www.ladiesagainstfeminism.com
Hi Guy,
This is a general question, but important.
Is it ever possible for a man not to want to stray? To be thoroughly attracted to one woman? To not WANT anyone else?
Or do all men merely keep from straying out of duty, fear of consequences, or Christian morals?
At the risk of sounding hopelessly naive, I want someone to desire only me always. If a man is loyal out of duty or because he is a good man, that is a commendable- but leaves you as a woman feeling completely empty. You want to be forever beautiful to the man you love. I would give anything – truly, anything- to inspire that in a man. Therefore, the idea of spending a lifetime being a mere vessel for someone whose mind will always wander elsewhere is unbearable.
Could anyone be captivated for life? Is passionate, devoted, lasting attraction even possible? Do any men so desire their wives that the idea of being with another woman repulses them?
Please give me your thoughts.
Thank you,
K
Your Loveliness K,
I summarize your questions this way: You want romantic love to last forever. Sorry, it fades in a year or two, but it lays critical groundwork for enduring love. So, I’ll add a few thoughts that may help:
“Is it ever possible for a man not to want to stray? To be thoroughly attracted to one woman? To not WANT anyone else?” Of course it’s possible. A beautiful woman can attract his eyeballs without stirring his loins or heart. So don’t judge his character or intentions by his glances. (More on glances at post 570.)
“Or do all men merely keep from straying out of duty, fear of consequences, or Christian morals?” You should at least choose that well. What overrides emotion keeps people faithful. Love and affection have emotional interruptions that invite emotional revenge that invites emotional infidelity. Living up to something bigger than Self provides continual guidance to do the right things.
“At the risk of sounding hopelessly naive, I want someone to desire only me always.” Naïve yes, but not hopeless. You can’t just want it, you have to earn it with other than beauty, because so much beauty is available elsewhere.
“You want to be forever beautiful to the man you love. I would give anything – truly, anything- to inspire that in a man.” Your beauty attracts him, it doesn’t hold him. Think of the beautiful picture you hang, and three days later you don’t notice it.
“Could anyone be captivated for life? Is passionate, devoted, lasting attraction even possible?” Of course, but not within the romantic model you envision. Enduring love is much different.
“Do any men so desire their wives that the idea of being with another woman repulses them?” Repulse? No, that’s expecting too much. It calls for abandonment of their genetic and hormonal makeup. Parenthetically, ‘desire’ as you use it fades with romantic love. Devotion and cherishment better fit the enduring love model.
Guy
It’s really sad that you divvy up your world into such tiny, restrictive boxes. You have a black and white perspective on a Technicolor world.
Your Highness Timberwraith,
I’ll let other readers comment on your term ‘sad’. They’re ladies of good will, good cheer, and good ‘smarts’.
Not feminist but natural female self-interest flows out of black and white, right and wrong, good and bad standards, values, and expectations. The kind that suppress masculine aggressiveness and violence and breed manly respect and family responsibility.
With mindless feminist endorsement, men generate the Technicolor world you perceive: relative morality; unpunished abuse, aggression and violence; frequent and convenient sex at little or no cost; family abandonment; lack of respect for the opposite gender; self-centeredness and narcissism; feelings encouraged over reason, low self-esteem in children; children’s lack of respect for adults; and unrelenting and expanding abuse of females and children.
You’ll find those and other female-vital themes in What Women Never Hear. So, you may wish to visit other blogs more in tune with your feelings.
Guy
Right. I get it. You equate social change and acceptance of a diversity of ways of being with chaos, violation of the “proper” moral order, and the downfall of society. You live in fear of change and difference. Again, that is so sad, for it narrows your experience of the world.
If those wonderful gender roles from days past were so beneficial and produced such bliss and well being, they would not have produced the social stress that has acted as an engine of change over the past forty to fifty years. If you could cast a magic spell and push gender rolls back fifty years, those roles would still undo themselves.
Of course, I know you aren’t wiling to see that, because for you, traditional gender roles are the proverbial shining beacon on a hill.
That’s OK. Change has come and has left fearful folk such as yourself behind. Time’s forward march is clear. It started with the women’s liberation movement of the 60s and 70s. Now it continues with the push for civil rights by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people. The roles are unraveling even further. There’s nothing you can do to stop it.
Life is change. That which does not change is dead.
Your Highness Timberwraith,
I accept that you’ve heard what women hear endlesssly. This blog opposes your claims with over 150,000 words in 571 articles. That’s one a day for over 18 months.
Since our interests are so vastly different, let’s part company amiably.
BTW I lived, witnessed, and studied as an adult before, during, and after the 60s and 70s. Your causes don’t match the roots I witnessed regarding social change.
Guy
An intepretation of a political slant on the dynamic of the Male /female relationship would be an additional dimension for your comments, but please a gentle reminder that what really attracted me and I am sure other women to your daily posts are the insights into the male mind and how those insights can assist women in improving their relationships with men, please delve deeper in to the way men think and feel in terms of females and what really motivates them to become devoted to one female above all others.
Greetings, Mr. “Maligned”!
I very recently found your blog and have been making my way through the archives. Like many others here, I wish I had had the benefit of your wisdom long ago.
Would you consider doing a series on Recovery for Wives? That is, for those of us who have been married awhile and have made a lot of the mistakes that you have shed light on (like nagging, parenting our spouses, being too aggressive in arguments, etc).
Is there a way out of the potholes we’ve helped to create in our marriages?
You are a remarkable man. Thank you for your generosity in helping us remake our corners of the garden (thank you, too, Mrs. Grace!)
Your Princessness Honeybee,
Thanks. I love it when pretty women tell me such things.
I’ve just started a new series, but I’ll examine the possiblity of one named Recovery for Wives. (Love the title and hope to do it justice.)
Guy
Doctor Laura’s “The Care and Feeding of Husbands” might tide you over for a bit. Much very wise advice that I wish I’d followed when I was married. I hope it’s ok for me to recommend. It isn’t a religion-base book but can’t remember anything objectionable about it.
Your Preciousness Princess Rita,
Yes, I studied it when it came out in 2004. She nails it in simple terms.
Guy
Could you do a recovery for wives on how to regain respect after having engaged in sexual acts that she found repellent? After finding out that my husband had a serious porn problem, I started doing some of the things I saw he was looking for in an effort to regain his interest… any help would be wonderful…
Your Highness Lottie,
I’ve been working on my response since early last week.I began it with #1375 and hope to finish 9/6 with #1377.
Guy
GUY!!!! I HAVE JEWLS FOR YOU!! LOOK AND ADD THESE TO YOUR BLOGROLL! ESPECIALLY NUMBER 1.
http://www.lifeissues.net/writers/mcm/mcm_08girls_be_wary.html
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/dating-diaries-what-makes-someone-promiscuous-242134/
Your Preciousness Miss Dawn,
Thank you. You’re right. I added the first to blogroll.
Guy
Great article Miss Dawn! I’m printing this one. Thanks!
Great finds!
I’m obsesses with the subject and am crafting ideas for a book……
Its amazing how much sense this all makes and how little of it is lived out… sheesh…..
Guy,
Very informative site! My fiance and I just read through a bunch of your articles, and I must say….I’m glad I got your computer fixed! Keep up the good work!
Guy,
Im like a big sponge with the information being the liquid obsorbed. This is intuitive and dead on! I have been married 2 times, last one 18 years together, 5 kids. I lost respect for her before we married. I didnt know that for 18 years. Your blog has ignited new enrollment for me to my x’s and my children. You have given me ways to tap that core, to be shown respect I must show respect. What a concept. You sir Guy are wise and Grace is a princess in all respects. The loss of a child at 30 would be a huge hurdle. God has blessed you and me with you.
Keith hi,
welcome. please, if you don’t mind, could you explain, “I lost respect for her before we married.”?
you don’t have to go into too much detail. i’m really interested into practical application and a guy’s perspective of this matter as Sir Guy is always alluding to it.
thanks in advance,
Hello Thoko. I found some sense of non interest after sex. We actually slept together for several months before sex and it was so awesome. I wondered why I didnt feel the same a couple days later. Partly the conquer, and that she was not respectful after. Partly she didnt seem who she said she was. She said one thing but her actions were totally different. Same after we married, as soon as we said I do I was different and I knew it. The rice had barely begun. Sir Guy eludes to respect and you? I dont give advice and you should go with your gut..Thanks Keith
Thoko,
I think I read it on this blog that men figure if you give in to them, you’ll give in to anyone. Now, why they excuse this behavior in themselves and not in women is something I don’t understand. I guess we could put it under the umbrella of, “that’s the way God made them” with one of the reasons God made them that way being (I think) that men know instinctively that if a woman is “wild” she won’t be a nurturing mother or wife-so he will have sex with her (like two impersonal animals might-no offense to animals) but would not consider her wife or long term relationship material. I don’t know if this is an original thought on my part or if Guy said it at some point but it seems pretty logical to me.
Also that old phrase “the kind you can bring home to mother” comes to mind. In days of old, a man wouldn’t dream of bringing home a girl with a bad reputation because it probably meant he was considering her for marriage and his parents would not want a wild, non-nurturing woman joining their family (and rightly so).
My cousin broke the rule in a sense by marrying a wild girl and now her kids have no mother in their life. I wish young men today looked past all the “hot bods” and looked for good women more often. They are doing their future children a grave disservice with this foolish way of choosing a life partner. When will people in this country feel enough pain about this to change???
I know. Life DOES seem very unfair sometimes. I have a feeling though that the suffering we go through and the sacrifices we make will be well worth it, if not in this life, then certainly in the next most glorious life!
Hi Guy!
Have you seen the movie “Precious”? If not please google it and watch the trailer. I’d like your opinion on something……
Can the lead character have what is describedin your blogs?
Thanks
MD
Your Princesstial Highness Stealth Femme,
I had no luck finding trailer on google, but I’ve had it in my Netflix queue for some time if it’s ever released.
Guy
I think she can. She will have to completely reprogram her brain which will help her modify her behavior and move forward. I think anything is possible if we pray and keep pushing forward.
I love Tyler Perry movies-can’t wait to see this one.
Check out the kudos the actress that played “Precious” got at the movie premiere. Forward to 1:44-
I think she’s one of us with her beautiful orange dress (in a sea of black clothing) and her curtsy!
Here’s a link to the trailer. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5FYahzVU44
Here is a link to the premiere I mentioned above. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJpiljQt7I4
Sir Guy hi,
is the following statement true? i quote from a webpage: ALL men know in 6 months whether they do want to marry a woman or not. All men. Every one. They don’t need to watch lots of rented videos for years in order to decide.
Your Preciousness Thoko,
I regret I’m so tardy responding to your question of four days ago. I got mental lockjaw on something else.
You asked if this statement were true: “ALL men know in 6 months whether they do want to marry a woman or not…” I’ll answer this way:
• You’ll smirk at my hubris for presuming there’s such a thing as masculine intuition, but it or something like it says Yes. Provided, that is, someone other than his intended asks him if he knows and not if he’s ready.
• Six months should be enough time for any woman to convey to a man what all she has to offer in exchange for his independence, and for him to become well grounded in assessing what she has to offer should he commit to her expectations about family responsibility.
• However, women seem to be expert at not disclosing their marital expectations, or ignorant of what they want, when it comes to men stepping up to family responsibility. So, in many cases six months may not be enough.
It’s not the time it takes, it’s the promise of mutual value that encourages swapping assets, talents, skills, and dedication.
Guy
Fabulous Sir Guy,
got it! thanks.
btw, the “masculine intuition” part, makes absolute sense.
love always,
Speaking of sex, I notice that the more girls ‘put out’ being aggressive, etc, the wimpier men become. Now in this ecomony, its getting worse. I hope and pray that jobs come back to men because most women do not want to be carrying the household and I fear that legalized polygamy could be next if this continues. Teenage girls are hanging all over guys in a crowd and the guy just stands there ‘lapping up’ the attention……yuck
Your Highness Boomer Babe,
Welcome aboard. Glad to have your good common sense added to this blog scene.
I like causes and effects, and yours rings the bell: “the more girls ‘put out’ being aggressive, etc, the wimpier men become.”
Males today just have to prove themselves worthy of sex and not a female. As a result, they cease striving to outdo themselves among their competitors. They slow down trying to improve their lot in life, because they live up to no one more important than Self. They quit reaching for one female’s gold ring of success. They see no reason to put a woman on a pedestal. They commit to her but devote to Self.
But worse than that is the lack of mutual respect. Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts, and when females provide sex they provide the unearned ultimate gift. Consequently, in society today, males lack respect for the female gender and everyone in it. And, a man’s love is based on respect for her gender and a woman. When men are weak lovers, they become wimpier from lack of challenges.
Guy
Hello,
Just wanted to say thanks for the insights! Wish I had read this as a girl, rather than at 25. Judging from my own experiences, all you write is at least 99% correct.
I live in a country (the Netherlands) where practically nobody is religious, courtship is totally unheard of and marriage is just a party and an excuse for a pretty dress. I have been living together with my boyfriend of 4 years. These ideas are so far off from my culture, that everybody would be outraged if we’d marry now. We’re both in university and it’s just ‘not done’. But after reading this is told him that, unlike his brother, he’d have to marry if he wanted to start a family. He looked at me funny :p
Though courtship was alien to me, before we got together, we spent months getting to know each other as friends (after years of polite small talk, because he was my brothers’ friend first). In that time, before I fell in love, I actually considered setting him up with a friend, because I found him so eligible. I guess friendship served the purpose of courtship for us.
So my challenge is, to make sure he sees this relationship as no less than any marriage and to get him to hurry up and finish his education to get the job that will finance the wedding. And to get him to dislike the popular idea of pre-nup.
I’m confident I’ll manage =)
Cheers 😉
You scare me, sir.
Not in a good way. Your words are powerful, very powerful. I will admit that I am a snake in the grass and a very devious predatory male, I feel the need to be but after reading some of your post. I began to think that maybe this is the wrong route for me. That I haven’t really looked at women as real people more than just something to lay and discard when the next thing comes in.
I read the things you have posted and I began to hate women….. I didn’t understand why at first but after a month it kinda dawned on me. I hate women with power, it is the weakness in my own mind that built this tide of hatred. I decided that the way I was living is wrong.
I apologized to many of the women in my life but I don’t think its enough and have pushed women out my life completely. ( Which is remarkably easy when you live out in the boonies.)
I’ve never felt better, three months in and I am free. No more conquest and no more guilt. I’ve had time to work on myself and be a better me for me.
Thank you, Guy.
Sir Blessed,
Welcome aboard. Glad to have you with us.
You’re full of surprises. I hope other readers show their reactions.
Guy
This is wonderful! I am delighted to hear that you are working on your self-growth and personal improvement. Keep us updated!! I cannot wait to see what you become.
Oh! You have no idea how much hope you have given me for the future.
~Sim Sim
Blessed Son of Man,
Your note brings me joy. I’ll bet Sir Guy never knew he’d be helping men too with this blog! I pray that you will know a new and most fulfilling way to live. It takes time to break the old patterns and reprogram our minds but it is very worth it. God bless you.
Hello again. Guy I just wanted to post a link I think might be helpful to your males. You should review it.
http://artofmanliness.com/
Sir Blessed,
Women don’t know jack about Jack. Other than for the sex encrusted lifestyle, men don’t know jack about Jill. I believe both sexes can best be served by focusing on WhatWomenNeverHear.
Guy
Sir Guy,
I’ve been reading your blogposts over the past week or so. I wish I had known so much of this sooner in life, as I’ve had one too many failed relationships, including one that had no sex prior to marriage.
I was divorced again about six years ago. He cheated when I was pregnant; and I was silent, reflected on God’s Word and prayed. He decided to return home (though I made him test for STDs, a requirement for resuming sexual relations). We were married another four years before I caught him on swinger sites and other chat rooms (like “married and looking”), and I decided I’d had enough.
I was very angry inside. I decided then that I just didn’t care anymore. We divorced and I decided I would abandon all I knew or held dear and just date and have sex if I wanted to. I’ve never before jumped off the deep end like I did then.
After many months of “not caring,” I began to find myself caring again. I met a man who intrigued me, and he asked me on a date. I had a feeling about him, and actually got nervous about the date. However, I did not feel I ever wanted to marry again but felt I could have some “long lasting, forever-type” relationship without it. He said he thought the same thing. Although we did not jump straight into sex, we did much sooner than we should have. He told me early on that his initial intention was to just lure me into bed, but he took me on that first date and discovered I might be someone worth getting to know. After two dates, he said he only wanted to date me and see where things went. And within a few weeks of dating, he was talking about leaving the option open for marriage.
Fast forward five years now, and we are still no closer to marriage. We recently took a trip to see some of his family where he told them, in front of me, that he was “not ready for marriage.” I was shocked, especially because in all these years he has seemed to be the one who was wanting it sooner than I was and he would always talk about it. It took me a LOT longer to concede that was what I did eventually want. And now, after reading your blogs, I have to say I’m also shocked at my own blindness.
We had a falling out just before the trip to see his family members. When we talked after our falling out, I had told him I felt we needed to get to a happier place with each other, and I planned to no longer spend nights at his home. He first looked like he would vomit and began to seem shaky as he asked if I was talking about a break up. I assured him I was not wanting to break up, but only wanted to give us a way to work on things. He agreed, and said that he was all for getting to a happier place with each other.
So since we’ve returned, I found your blog. I also have NOT been staying at his house, and we have not been having sex. I haven’t quite told him yet that I don’t want to have sex anymore because I feel that it has hindered the progress in our relationship. I’ve been avoiding any opportunity for sex, instead; and I’ve been deflecting even the slightest of advances. I’m really not sure if I’m being fair in abstaining after five years of not abstaining. I’ve also been trying to follow your suggestions in dating by being attractive, feminine, vague and mysterious. Funny thing is, he has never been one to do nice things for my birthday; but since I’ve backed off so much, he spent nearly $1k on a really nice gift for my birthday which he presented to me a few days ago (3 weeks earlier than my birthday). He seems to be pursuing me in a way I’ve not seen or felt in a very long time.
He did get upset when he realized I was not going to stay the night the first time; and I began to cry and told him I thought we had discussed this. He came to me with tears welling up and hugged me tightly and was shaking. He said, “You’re right, it’s okay; I’ll take you any way I can have you.” I felt horrible. The next few times, he was very accepting. However, today was the first day we spent more than a couple of hours together; and this time, he seemed irritated that I wasn’t staying.
In addition, in the past week, he has twice played a song for me (one version, the singer says, “I want to marry you”; in the other version, the singer says “I’m gonna make you my wife”); and when I had tears, he asked what was wrong and claimed he didn’t know the words to it; but he listens to it all the time! He also mentioned twice in conversation last weekend at his sister’s house in front of everyone (sister, brother-in-law, mother, father, nephew and his wife, and everyone else in earshot) that “we should get married.”
I’m not sure if he’s hinting or just wanting my reaction. I decided not to react at all. And when he asked about the words to the song, I just said it was the song, overall, that made me cry. If he truly wants marriage, why doesn’t he just ask and make things right?
I love him dearly, and have never met someone who has loved me as he does. He used to say he wanted to shout his love for me from the rooftops. He used to tell how much he loved me to anyone who would listen. He used to get poetic. He often says I remind him of his mom, but says he thinks maybe I’m even more loving and kind. And his mom and dad always tell me things like “that man loves you” and “he has never loved anyone like he loves you” and they’ve never seen him love someone or be so devoted to anyone like me. He still tells me he loves me…all the time, many times a day and in many different ways.
I’m really confused. And I should be…I confused it with sex. It gets really difficult for me when I have to go home and can’t stay with him. I’m quite sure it’s due to the female bonding thing. I’ve often told him I feel like I’m going through withdrawals every time I go home. I have to go home because I have children and switch time with their dad. The weeks that I have them, I want to be at home. They need stability.
I am very tired of going back and forth and living out of a suitcase, also. And I’ve noticed that I tend to want to treat him as “King” when I stay there and cook, clean, etc. Then if we do have a disagreement, I feel “used” or like I do so much for him without much in return; and then he always retorts that “I don’t ask you to do it.” And he’s right!
This is all so you can understand my background with him. I’ve obviously made a mess of this. And I had seen him doing a lot of the things you describe: he didn’t want to call (says he doesn’t like to talk on the phone), he expected me to now come his way only (rather than him come to my home), he slowly evolved into rarely paying for dates, etc. (I could go on, but it’s already too long). Since I’ve pulled so far back, he’s been paying for dates again; he has offered to come to my home twice (though I declined); and he’s called me five times already this week, with one of those calls being a discussion that lasted over an hour!
With the passage of time, I’m open about the idea of marriage again and I DO want to be married. I’m not convinced he isn’t the right guy; but I can’t help but think that if I do abstain after five years of not abstaining, that he will have to do one of two things: decide he is ready for marriage or decide to get out of the relationship.
And now I also have a question: Am I being fair in expecting this drastic of a change in our relationship? And if I am, how best can I let him know that I want to abstain?
My answers to myself have been that I really DO want to work on our relationship without involving sex because we haven’t been able to progress to more than “a committed relationship.” We are both fully aware of how good our sexual relationship has been, so that’s no secret. I also feel that if we abstain and get to know how to better work together in a relationship, then when the time comes (for marriage), the sexual relationship will be only that much better.
I want this to be salvageable. I know that damage has been done and it may not be salvagable. At this point, I’m willing to accept either outcome. I’ve asked God’s forgiveness and am trying to seek His will. I’m also trying to keep focused on your advice in your blogs because it has helped me tremendously, even just coming to terms with being okay with either outcome. I want to proceed with some caution and with some idea as to the best way to handle it.
I’m apologize for such a long post. I hope you can let me know what you think.
I’ve also started working on the University studies. I want to learn more so that regardless of the outcome now, I will be armed with what I need to know to get it right in dating and in marriage. Your blog will forever be a place of continual learning for me!
Hush
Your Highness Hush,
Welcome aboard. Glad to have you with us.
I need time to study your story. Keep returning to look here for a P.S. sometime soon.
Guy
P.S.
Your Exceptionalness Hush,
He’s not Mr. Good Enough for you and maybe not for anyone.
As the relationship pertains to you, the following seem obvious.
• Your mission: Develop a harmonious relationship in order to evolve into successful marriage.
• Your strengths: Typical female hard-headedness and soft-heartedness. Excellent diagnosis of the relationship.
• Your weakness: Poor prognosis of the relationship. So, you salvage what? Can you imagine him being anything else as husband? He won’t change, so could you live with what he is now only more so?
• Your mistake: Wanting to salvage the unsalvageable. (It keeps you trying, which makes him react with new maneuvers to achieve his goal: frequent and convenient sex without marriage.)
As the relationship pertains to him, the following seem obvious.
• His mission: Exploit the readily available woman in order to have frequent and convenient sex without marriage.
• His strength: Flexibility in countering your every move toward marriage.
• His weakness: Lack of character. He turns dodging your expectations into a manipulative game.
• His mistake: Thinking himself worthy of you without honoring your expectations.
As to fairness: It has no place in the process, when a woman is denied opportunity to brighten her future.
As for decisions: Even before you commented above, you knew all you need to know. Act!
G.
Sir Guy,
Thank you for replying so quickly. In hindsight, I guess I should have seen it sooner.
We had plans for today, and briefly spoke after I got out of church. I guess after his upset with me last night for not staying again, he was more upset than I thought. He told me I needed to meet him in my own vehicle. When I said I would think about it and call him back, he ended up leaving without me! Not quite what I expected today.
So I declined to meet him, as I felt I should. I enjoyed instead some lunch and time at the park with my children and my granddaughter. Then I came home to find your message.
As much as I do know you are right, my heart is broken to discover that there is nothing salvageable about this relationship. At the same time, I don’t want to endure these little ‘issues’ anymore. When they do happen, he never understands why I feel hurt over them and thinks my feelings are unreasonable and the root of all our ‘issues’. I guess that’s what happens when the cart comes before the horse (i.e., sex before marriage)!
I do think he has a very sensitive heart, and he has shown it to me time and again. Unfortunately, his self-centeredness seems to always prevail. I know he had a bad marriage before that he felt tricked into, and she had a shopping addiction that kept him financially strapped as well as never being home or a ‘wife’ for 2 years prior to his decision to divorce. Maybe that has something to do with him wanting to be self-focused. Regardless, I didn’t do those things to him; and he knows how frugal I am and that my desire is to spend time with him, not avoid him.
I’ll be reviewing more of the University studies this afternoon, and hope to find more nuggets of gold to assist me! Thank you again, so much, for responding and for doing so quickly!
Deepest Regards,
Hush
Thank you, Sir Guy, for creating this blog. I was never taught to dress prettily, and I had no role models who showed me that I could be both pretty AND modest — only frumpy and ugly or pretty and skanky. The ground was then ripe, I think, for feminism to take hold and convince me that neither girls nor guys were worthy of my respect. Just this year, though, I met a guy who actually showed consideration for his girlfriend, complimented me when I dressed nicely, etc. and was amazed that any male could behave so charmingly. It spurred my quest for something more, which brought me to your blog. I’ve bought several books on how to dress elegantly, modestly, and have better manners, as well as Crittenden’s book on Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman. I’ve already begun to dress much more nicely and get eyed for it, and a while back, I was put on the spot where a male friend of mine kept trying to “tickle” me (ostensibly) until I subtly rebuffed his attempts at physical contact. Your tips on how to do that helped him save face and me keep my cool; thank you for that! I count my blessings most, though, because now I know why I’m dressing modestly and why I’m abstinent. I only thank God that I found your blog while I’m still young, before I made a mess of myself with so-called sexual freedom and bad fashion. God bless you and Mrs. Guy! You and I may have different political agendas, but we’re on the same page about most else!
Your Highness Trying for Elegance,
Thanks you. Always glad to have another pretty woman join us on this cruise.
Guy
Hi Guy,
I like what you have to say. However, it would help me and other women if you described more examples (real life scenarios) to illustrate your wisdom.
Melissa
Your Highness Melissa,
Welcome aboard. Pretty women are always welcome to join us on this cruise.
As to real life scenarios, I know it’s a problem at your end. However, at age 80, I don’t know what real life scenarios look like on your end. I figure out how the respective natures energize men and women to respond differently in specific situations. Readers have to figure out how to make what they learn here work out in their relationships.
Advice you see offered here invariably responds to ‘real life scenarios’ that readers inquire about. Perhaps you’ll gain more and faster by staying abreast of what they say.
Guy
It was by chance I ran into you and your clan at the Donut Shop. The Path to Victory – Roadmap to your Mind is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today, so THANK YOU! I look forward to more ….
Hello, Guy, I haven’t posted for awhile. I have a daughter (24, lives at home, virgin, lovely and warm and has high standards). She’s waiting for the right guy and has gotten discouraged because it seems the ‘nice’ christian guys don’t like her and the off-beat, crazy guys only occasionally ask her out. Even a male christian friend of hers calls her ‘prudish’. She dresses modernly, working on becoming more modest, pretty stylish. Now this fellow has come on the scene: long hair, funky, poetical, smokes cigs, smokes weed, admits to liking ‘female’ stuff … all the really WRONG stuff! He really, really, really is pursuing her. She feels he’s all wrong but is so tired of having no one and has told him he is off limits to her because they are so far apart. However, he’s a christian and they have gone out a couple of times and have really had a lot of fun. Here’s the question: He says he wants to change and become the man that she wants. She claims that he cannot do that. Either he is who he is and he’s going to stay that way or if he changes he does so because he wants to change or God changes him, but becoming who she wants will only make him bitter over time or else he will turn back to his old ways once the ‘shine’ wears off their relationship. He has already asked her to marry him and have his children… Can a man change for a woman, if HE wants to change? I suggest she run the other way, fast. She’s not doing anything concrete right now, except spending a lot of time texting, emailing, etc. and not committing to anything. I think they are doing some necking… Thank you for any help you can give.
Your Loveliness Catarina,
Tough issue and tight schedule. I need more time. See you back here in a few days if not before.
Guy
P.S.
Your Highness Catarina, I’m back.
I cite some things you all may not have thought of.
• You’ve already spotted that he’s ‘WRONG’. You judge it because he looks like a rebel at heart. In mid-twenties still living as an adolescent means he’s immature and probably hopelessly so.
• Daughter will never like his ‘growing up’ should they marry. If he tries to, then where and when does the teen rebellion stop? If his parents, teachers, and teen girls, in his life could not convey a need to upgrade his image to reflect more maturity as he passed from the teens, how can your daughter?
• If he’s out of step with guys his age in appearance and values, it means he focuses more on females than males as to who he competes with. It’s another red flag that conquest tops his agenda.
• He claims to like ‘female stuff’ and is willing to change to whatever will please your daughter. Beware. Those are conquering and manipulative words.
• If they have a lotta fun on dates, how come? If he’s so interested in becoming more to her liking, why don’t they have serious talks about it? I’d bet he’s a smooth talker and exploits it.
• You or she is right. Any change purposely made for her will be temporary. When men change to please a woman into marriage, they change to make themselves worthy of her. However, in real life it’s more of a subliminal process that the woman encourages and the man gently slips into new habits over time. It’s never purposely done for her or even by him with change in mind. He just does things differently to please her with the same sincerity that husbands like to please their wives.
• He may claim to be Christian, but he’s not a mature one if at all. A church-going Christian? Bible study anyone? Does he exemplify the Christian walk of life or just talk it?
G.
Thanks for taking the time, Guy, I’ll patiently await your reply.
Thanks so much, Guy, and also for the post ‘Women Are Born…’ Some of the points you have made I have said over and over again until I thought my tongue would fall out of my head! 🙂 She has many reservations and says she was so tired of being alone and just looking for a little fun…and I understand that. But she’s even now getting tired of him…she told him, ‘talk doesn’t mean anything to me unless it’s true; actions are what I am waiting for.’ You are so right-on with your assessment of his true character. Thank you so much for your input!
The things you’re writing, quite honestly sound like they’re written for women who are courting assholes. There ARE guys out there with common sense, you know.
Your Highness Aemeth,
Welcome aboard. It’s always a great day when another pretty woman signs up for this cruise.
As to your assertion about courting a**holes, you’ve just not read enough.
As to guys with common sense, you’re right. However, I write about the male nature as if emotions, beliefs, values, and even common sense are not present. I describe and compare the God-designed, Nature-endowed, hormone-energized nature of both sexes in ways that men and women differ. It may not be your cup of tea.
Guy
I’ve had similar thoughts about this blog. I understand what Guy is attempting here, but any man who actually behaves the way he described is not worth having. It is nice to know what motivates people, but I think that this blog will most useful to women who have already married an “asshole” or are determined to marry one despite his issues. Women would be better off avoiding men who behave that way. It is a very entertaining read and I enjoy it.
why the HELL should I dress to other peoples expectations? ugh.
Your Highness Alice,
Welcome aboard. It’s always a great day when another pretty woman signs up for this cruise.
By the time I answered you, I had a full size article. Come back Sunday and look for #1269 near blog top.
I wish you luck getting whatever you’re after because you probably won’t like my response.
Guy
Hi, I just stumbled upon your site and I have to say, it’s amazing. I agree with almost everything you say. I say “almost” because there are just a few things that you say that contradict my beliefs or just my opinion, but that’s alright because I believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion and that’s what makes them different from one another. I would also like to say that I promoted you on tumblr as that’s where I found you. Though one issue, with your theme I couldn’t find a reblog button hence had to copy and paste what you wrote as a new post, but I did source you. Hope that’s alright. 🙂
On a different note, I do wish I had seen your site a few years ago. I think it would have made me a better person than I am today. Its refreshing and really allows me to think about my life. 🙂 Thank you for this site and hope you have a great day!
Your Highness Naomi,
Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman signs up for this cruise. Also, thank you for the credit at tumblr.
Guy
Dear Guy,
I have just stumbled upon your website. Having gathered the basic tenet that feminism has left women in a less favourable position in terms of courtship and relationship dynamics based on the principle of want of respect for the other. I whole heartedly agree with you Sir; it is the very reason I came to question the value of a relationship under such conditions of general enmity and why I determined upon a life of happy bachelorhood. I do not bemoan this condition in any way: to the contrary, I have lived very happily over the past number of years, free to peruse my own selfish interests and pleasures free from the consideration to the needs and respect owed to the other. It has never ceased to amaze me why any man would want, at best, to play the part of barely tolerated representative of the oppressor.
Yours, Felix
Sir Felix,
You express well your disdain for living with a female. Your veneer, however, hides similar disdain for yourself. God designed, Nature endows, and hormones energize you quite differently. You’ve rationalized a lot to get where you’re at. Sorry but no empathy from this quarter.
That said, I hope you delve further into the blog to find out how men and women succeed at living together.
Guy
Dear Guy,
Given the nature of your blog, I think it would stand to reason that my comment was not seeking a confirmation of like mindedness from yourself; I was under the impression that the expression of a variety of individual responses to the cultural conditions of the day were welcome – please accept apologies for the misunderstanding. However, I must confess my surprise at the curt tone of your response. To recast my decision to live alone as a “disdain for living with a female” is downright disingenuous. I think I made it obviously clear that I was talking about a reluctance toward living someone who’s politics regards me, by virtue of my gender, as “representative of the oppressor.” I harbour no disdain whatsoever toward the idea of sharing a life with a woman. As to any disdain I may have toward myself, neither you nor myself are in any position to be an accurate judge: yourself for want of knowledge, myself for want of distance. In terms of the specifics upon which you base your claim, I would like to remind you of those brotherly orders who abstain as an expression of their commitment to God.
Yours, Felix
Sir Felix,
Our wires are not just crossed but entangled. I regret the confusion but my thoughts and your feelings didn’t mix well. I see too much entanglement to spend time defending subjects off theme. Let’s call it a day but not an invitation to go away. I like your thinking but your feelings led me astray and off the blog theme.
Guy
So good to meet you. I think I’m going to like it here.
Blessings,
Jasmine
Your Highness Jasmine,
Welcome aboard. I love it when pretty women says such things and join us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
Guy
Dear Guy,
It is nice to hear someone point out what has been lost with the current generation. I enjoy being a lady. I work in a technical field surrounded by men, but have steadfastly refused to “behave like a man”. In my humble opinion, men and women have distinct and different characteristics and that they should be honoured versus being vilified.
It has been my experience that by being a feminine, polite, lady, life is not nearly as stressful. Men are always offering to assist in small and large ways. Men, in my experience, go out of their way to protect ladies.
I have been happily (and I stress happily) married many moons. I adore my husband as he adores me. We work as a functioning unit and complement each other. A successful marriage takes work and compromise but must be based on mutual respect and friendship to make the long haul.
I commend you for taking the time and effort to discuss the various issues that are not so readily discussed with regards to the inherent benefits of femininity to women and society at large.
Warm regards,
Karen
Your Highness Karen,
Welcome aboard. It’s always a pleasure to have a pretty woman join us on this cruise to WWNH. Thanks too for the plaudit. You write very well. I hope you’ll stay in touch and share your wisdom.
Guy
Hello!
I just started following WWNH on Tumblr and I love the work you’re putting in to explain the overlooked truths of love and life.
Thank you. You may very well have saved my married life before it’s even happened!
Your Highness Lovely Sugar,
Welcome aboard. It’s surgarly lovely when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WWNH.
Guy
I wish I had found your wonderful blog years and years ago. It is so insightful and on point. Over the past 6 months I have learned alot from reading your postings and I have shared it with some friends as well. I have always thought that the olden days were better for relationships than the current culture and I can see why. I find that your blog has given me much useful and energizing information that explains the God given beauty and uniqueness of the genders. Most modern authors try to pretend that there is none and we are all genderless androgynous blobs. My fear is that men like you who truly have wisdom, faith in God and the life experience to back it up are becoming a rare species. I’ve seen too many boyish and immature middle-aged and old men to know that age is not indicative of wisdom. On a positive note, since I have begun to embrace my femininity and wear skirts and dresses to work I’ve had men stand and give me their seats on the subway, hold doors open, etc… and that’s pretty amazing when you live in New York City. Thank you for letting God use you to bless young and old women everywhere.
Your Highness Honora,
Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman signs up for this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
Guy
Hi,
you gave me your card in the waiting room at Medical city. You first caught my attention when you walked in and was talking to some ladies, your hello line was the best I heard, I was trying to retell my son which is 16 1/2, I would like to put it just as you did, if you would please message me back, I have two sons 16 1/2 and an 8 yr old and can’t forget my other BOY, my husband of 32 yrs. HAHAHA
Anyway, I hope I can guide my sons to become a person like you…Your blogs are wonderful I’m going to make it a daily reading for my oldest and my husband and myself, so keep blogging.
Your Highness Shannon,
Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
I’m flying around today on medical and other errands today, but I’ll respond to your request at least by Friday noon or Saturday morning at the very latest.
Guy
P.S. Mrs. Guy responds for me with post 1373 early Saturday morning.
G.
Dear Guy,
I have been reading your blog with great interest. Having read your posts, I’ve begun making changes and allowed myself to dress and act more femininely. Working in an unusual male dominated field in academia, I was apprehensive about it at first, but have been pleasantly surprised by reactions. We often feel that we have to be masculine to compete but in reading books and your blog I started to recognize the differences in behavioral mechanisms between men and women that lead to our miscommunications– and that we can understand and work with them without being seen as weak.
I have seen some of the posts that mention the military and noticed in your bio that you worked in both the Navy and academia, and hope that you will lend me your insight. My boyfriend just finished service and sometimes communication is difficult. As a student of human behavior, so to speak, I try to understand people on their terms, but women tell me that military men are an entirely different ballgame.
We argue infrequently, but it feels lately that his word is final, and he refuses to discuss it with me. If I am upset he demands I tell him what it is, but in the reverse situation its his prerogative to shut me down and then ignore me for long stretches of time– which is easy as we live far apart. Are we missing each others’ perspectives and are there things to consider when interacting with military personnel?
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts in this blog, all best–
-Em
Your Highness Em,
Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
As to your situation, you’re trying too hard. Quit trying to understand him on his terms. Make him understand you on your terms. Develop some new standards and expectations for yourself and any men that may have an interest in you. Elevate your self-respect, and I recommend you study and implement article 806 on this blog.
The military probably gave him a good sense of responsibility but that does not include respect for women. Perhaps even the opposite. It sounds like his respect for you either was never there or you lost it.
So, test him this way: Don’t call him. Learn to live with your self-talk rather than his discombobulating voice. Withdraw and look for someone else. If he doesn’t chase you, he wasn’t really after you to begin with. Another thing he learned in the military: Complete the mission. If he doesn’t chase you, you were never on his mission but just his hit-and-run list. You rate a greater honor unless you just don’t expect it.
Guy
Hmmmm, Sir Guy,
I have a problem: what if she ignores him and he thinks she doesn’t care and as a result he finds someone else…and then she regrets it years later when she can’t find anyone else to her liking? He is her boyfriend for a reason, no? I would hate for Em to have regrets.
Sure, men mess up, but is this a reason to ignore them? ie copy their behaviour? I am confused…your advice is to act feminine usually, no? If we wait to be wives before we act feminine, we might wait in vain foorever! Men these days think women are ‘spoiled princesses’ anyway. To do what you suggest may compound the problem, no? Besides, finding another man is not easy as one gets older. And even if another man shows interest, if in your heart you love someone else it is not fair to the new man.
Could you clarify something for me, please? An old lady once told me that it is better for a man to love a woman more than she loves him. I note you also hold this view. I feel the opposite is true for a lasting marriage. If a woman is the relationship expert, she has to love the man 100% to want to overlook his faults and work on the relationship. All the marriages that failed that I know of, the man loved more…And I am beginning to see that men of today want to see proof of love and loyalty (and I agree a woman does not have to offer premarital sex to show love) before they commit. In some cases I can’t blame them! If Em’s bf is that type of man, are you denying him his chance of discovering his future wife?
Confused and need help on this! As I am sure does Em 🙂
Since becoming more feminine, I have become more sympathetic to men’s plight…am I going down the wrong road here? Or am I just seeing too many examples of bad womanhood now that my eyes have been opened by you and other good people? When your uncle has a stroke and his ex-wife who stripped him of all his money and assets doesn’t bother show up at the hospital and keeps his kids away (one of whom isn’t even his due to her infidelity), you cease to be surprised that men won’t comit unless they are 100% sure they won’t be taken for a ride.
Joanna,
i realise you are awaiting an answer from Sir Guy but please allow me to enlighten you on what Sir Guy teaches here.
you asked, “am i going down the wrong road here?” i am afraid you are. this is what Sir Guy teaches, “the one most fearful of losing the other will lose.” i will quote another reader of this blog who added, “never be afraid to lose a guy! a husband? maybe… but a boyfriend? never!
i’ll let you in on a secret… since i started reading and applying what is taught here 3yrs ago, i have been chased by 2 proud, vague and unavailable, adonis looking type guys (i am vain) who completely crumbled and did exactly as Sir Guy had said they would if i just played hard-to-get (study the series!). the second one has been away since May for reasons i wrote about elsewhere here. i never called him once! no email! no text msg! nothing! guess what? he’s been back twice in the past month to see if i’m still available.
i am currently being pursued by another guy who has a lot going for him too and of all the girls at church, in spite of my ignoring him for 4 months he’s been here (not even a hello), this past Saturday, he asked me if i was seeing anyone. why me!? because unlike the other girls, i ignore them until they focus on me to the exclusion of others.
i admit, applying Sir Guy’s wisdom requires nerves of steel. but boy, the rewards if you do it correctly! my dating life is a dream and all thanks to the Guy and his Gracious Wife who write this blog.
Gonemaverick,
Thanks for your comments. I really do appreciate them.
Perhaps I just had a bad day yesterday. I am really pleased for you, thanks for sharing your story.
I did not fully explain my new take on things: perhaps there is a difference between your case and mine in that I was not referring to a man ‘pursuing’me. We were in an already established relationship. I was the ‘hardest to get’ you could ever imagine. (So much so, that he never really did, but that’s another story).
What I realise now is that he saw something I never did before. He saw evidence of something I never thought applied to me. To make a long story short, I now understand that I have become ‘guilty by association’. He thinks I will become like some of the women in my family. Not the extreme example I gave above, but a subtler kind. So subtle I never knew it was there. I don’t do full disclosure anymore, so no details to explain my position. But I have much more insight into the dynamics of my own situation now. And after many months of reflection I have come to realise that he was right to leave. Why? Becuase to have stayed would have meant enduring what my own father got. It was an article from the 50’s posted here by someone that cracked it for me. Feminism is not just about bra-slinging fat and masculine women. It is much more subtle than that. All I was trying to say in the comment above, is that sometimes a guy is right. How he goes about communicating that leaves the uninitiated (me!) a little confused. But even the not-so-bright like me can sometimes get it. So, to summarise, my problem was that despite living my life as Sir Guy teaches, I was still engulfed by feminist ideas and could easily had headed off in that direction until I learned to shake them off by embracing my femininity. But alas, the dye has been cast…
‘Hard to get/vague’ would work for the side of feminism many are familiar with. But it doesn’t apply for the kind I am dealing with. In my case, it would come off as harsh/cold and confirm what has gone before. This is new territory for me. All other men have been ‘wrong’ and therefore easy to send packing. This time, I see my trajectory into what I would not have wished for (AKA generational history repeating itself). So I am grateful the runaway train came to a halt. But now I am back at the station, how to get on the right train? The search continues for the answer… 🙂 I have faith it will come to me. But you are right…in the meantime, I shall try not to go too far down the wrong road.
Dear Sir,
God love you! I have been struggling to find my place these days and having been brought up in a socially conservative household, now see the lessons that it gave me actually put me in good stead. Thank God I found this site because I was starting to think something was deeply wrong with me.
Namely, that virtues like loyalty, dignity, self-respect, faithfulness, modesty, integrity and monogamy still count for something to some people in this world, even if it seems it only applies to a minority. For the longest time, I’ve been feeling like I’m some freakishly old-fashioned social dinosaur since I refuse to play the games, modern dating seems to take and would rather stick to my ideals.
Keep up the excellent work, more men and women need to know about this wonderful blog!
Best regards from Montreal!
Your Highness Naseem,
Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman signs on for this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
Guy
dear sir guy
in a comment to lisa in an above post you say “marriage isnt about finding the right person its about *being* the right person”
ive heard this before but im not really sure i understand exactly what it means…
i would like to think i AM the right person already… im supportive; strong; independent; loving; smart…im not jealous; superficial; immodest; selfish; greedy; materialistic …yet i cant seem to find a good relationship…
i admit in the past i have been subconsciously attracted to men that are “the project” …and ive been called “the rescuer”…im starting to recognize my patterns and am trying to break them, and thankfully (because of this blog and you) i REALLY see the differences in men and women ive never seen before…
ive posted before and you have always responded to me and im trying very very hard to follow all your suggestions…but how do i know when I’M the right person??
Your Highness Gcs15,
“how do i know when I’M the right person??” When you stop thinking about yourself all the time, e.g., “i would like to think i AM the right person already… im supportive; strong; independent; loving; smart…im not jealous; superficial; immodest; selfish; greedy; materialistic …” Sure you are in your eyes and probably your mouth. That is, you probably talk too much about yourself and consciously or subconsciously invite full disclosure of personal matters.
Mystique disappears when words appear beyond the minimum. Modesty disappears with I and I and I. Desperation appears with eagerness to please. Full disclosure transmits expectations of “now, you tell me about you” and men don’t welcome that expectation; in fact, they dodge responding favorably. None may apply to you, but men do the concluding.
Quit trying so hard both to improve yourself and search/reach for a man. Be yourself, be quiet, be patient, be helpful of others (beyond your job) without expectation of reciprocity of any kind. When you give with your heart, your mind isn’t on yourself. When you expect a man to respond to your initiatives, you’re a taker looking for someone to give. When your motivations are obvious and mystery goes away, men feel threatened by an apparent female desire to lead.
Guy
thank you sir guy
i read your reply and dont disagree and i went through the blog the past few days and looked for other articles that pertain to what im feeling right now but i still have to say im confused…and sorry my original question may have been misleading you a bit unintentionally by my lack of clarity…
i was more thinking about my relationships with friends and family (im not involved with a man at the moment but i see how your response will help me when i do find someone) but in all my relationships with friends and family (and my marriage and LTR) in the past i was TOO helpful, TOO accommodating a good listener and supportive…
in the past, after months or years of this i began to feel used, taken for granted, ignored and abandoned…kind of like “i was always there for you, when do i get *something* back?” i dont need or want a lot…just *something*…lately it seems like anytime my friends pick up the phone is when they need something or want to vent…sometimes they dont even ask how i am doing…i love my friends and dont mind being there for them and i actually enjoy it most of the time… but sometimes it *gets* to me that they dont even ask how i am doing…if or when they do ask i try to be very careful not to disclose too much…
conversely, if i shovel my elderly neighbours snow or invite her to dinner or ask her to come and hang out in my backyard it never bothers me “that i do something nice for her and she doesnt do anything nice for me”…i never feel that way…i do things for her because she likes it or needs it…(and shes fun to hang out with…shes a cool lady for 90!)
i dont “expect” anything from my neighbour yet i feel like i “expect” some reciprocity from my friends…and at the same time i feel like i shouldnt ask for anything from anyone…
my ex-husband once said “you are the strongest person i know”…does this mean people just dont think i NEED help sometimes? or have people in general just become so self absorbed they dont think of others? or if im feeling this way does that mean IVE become self absorbed?? even though im trying so hard to be there for them and NOT ask for anything?? is this whats stopping me from being the right person?? have i developed a bad spirit somewhere along the way??
i dont know how to balance helpfulness (which now i know was a symptom of my low selfesteem trying to prove myself worthy) and your advice of help others without EVER wanting anything back…
sorry for my longwinded post…and thank you…
Your Highness Gcs15,
Not-so-annonymous Anne beat me to it. Her response is great.
This phrase caught my eye: “if or when they do ask i try to be very careful not to disclose too much…”
If my writing about full disclosure has led you to doing that, then I’ve not been clear enough. Women operate completely expecting full disclosure, so you may want to open up more. Give your gal friends something to know and talk about with you. If you’re secretive, women think you’re hiding that you don’t like them or don’t want to converse. It turns them off and into their own shells.
The concept of no full disclosure applies to men that women are hopeful of capturing.
Guy
I am sure Guy will have more insights into this than I do, but reading this reminded me of my mom so I thought I’d take a stab. What caught my eye was “the strongest woman I know,” bit. My mom comes across that way, too. She always has. And I have wondered if she would feel more affection from her friends (who, like yours, call to vent, complain, or talk about *their* relationships without asking about her often or at all) if she had disclosed just a *little* bit more. Or just a little bit more honestly with them. If for years she seemed to have a problem-free life (which, as her child, I can attest was not the case) her friends would not even be accustomed to “being there for her”… ever. They’d never done it before! When she told me on occasion that she felt like she had no friends, I’d wonder if it was just a bit her own fault. So perhaps if you let a sliver of your vunerable side out more often, your friends will relate and reciprocate the warm regards more than seeing you as the mentor, stabilizer, etc. in their lives. Besides, I do wonder if more disclousure is in line when its our fellow-women we are talking to! 🙂
im sorry its taken me so long to reply…but thank you guy and not-so-anonymous-anne for your comments and feedback…it makes better sense now… i think ive just been frustrated with things and thinking it should be ‘my turn’ now to be happy after ive given so much and feeling like ive gotten so little back…
but on further thought and reflection i have to realize that hopefully my time will come for good friendships (not that my friends arent good- they ARE-they are just so terribly busy with their lives and kids and i feel left out sometimes) and hopefully a finding a good man to lead to a good marriage …maybe that time just isnt *now*…or not yet anyway… 🙂
I have been wondering this since I began reading: what prompted the pseudonym “A.Guy Maligned”? By whom are you or have you been maligned?
Your Highness Anne,
I just thought it clever to attract the attention of women. Did it work with you?
Guy
It did! 🙂
Thank you for this blog.
Your Highness Karen,
Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
Guy
Guy, a diamond is not a woman’s best friend … the content on your site is. God bless you and your family with everlasting and meaningful joy, happiness for this.
Your Highness Shruti,
Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
Guy
Guy,
I cannot begin to express my appreciation for this Blog. I have been reading close to 1 year now. My entire posture has changed. So much that I have longed for as a part of my personality has developed through your wisdom and guidance.
For the first time in my life, I truly love myself which enables me to care for and protect myself. I love being female. I love being pretty and making pretty. I love finding flaws and thanking the Lord for helping me to fix them – and then making them pretty.
I feel as if you have placed a magical wand in my hand and a crown of virtue upon my head. These tools I use all over the house and on my family, myself and so many places when I am about in the world.
I can see gentleman and asses so much more clearly now. And I have the notion to place myself amongst whom I choose accordingly.
Well I’ll say it plainly, thank you, thank you, and thank you once more for taking the time to set aright what has been so wronged.
And thank you Grace for helping him do it.
Sincerely,
Alex Dillon aka “J’ahdore”
I’ve tried 3x to leave a reply to your comment on post #785 but it won’t go through. Here it is:
You, Sir Guy, and your Lady Grace, are a Godsend. As the saying goes, ‘When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.’
I was thinking of precious time going by as we keep making the same mistakes over and over. Before and since the above mentioned relationship ended for good (I had a hard time letting go), I was already in a major transition-growing stronger in my Faith (no longer making excuses for my actions), dressing in more skirts and dresses, and respecting myself. Then I recently ‘discovered’ your blog and I believe I have received a gift. You are providing an extremely important, kind, and honorable service. Please don’t stop. The world needs you.
I want to tell you how thankful and appreciative I am to you, for your blog.
Though I have never commented before, I have been reading since summer of last year and have treasured the wisdom you have to offer.
I credit much of your wisdom with helping me become engaged to an AMAZING man.
Thank you so much.
Your Highness Agapoula,
I love it when pretty women tell me that.
Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
Guy
Dear Sir. Guy,
I have a friend who foolishly, knowing the consequences, has had sex one time with a man she is newly dating. Now, realizing what she has done, would like to go back and restore her dignity. What advice would you give her? Is there hope that she can regain the respect she once had before the act was done?
Sincerely,
Andrea
Your Highness Andrea,
Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
I’ve a whole series on it. Listed in CONTENTS at blog top, study the series Virtual Virginity. Then, check out every article with virgin and divorce in the title just for the flavor of how and what works and doesn’t work with men.
Guy
You should be a part of a contest for one of the greatest websites on the internet.
I most certainly will highly recommend this blog!
Sir Keepcalmandclickhere,
Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another man joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
Guy
Ahem… it appears as if someone’s blog recently surpassed an impressive 2 million hits. 🙂
Your Highness Catherine,
I love it when pretty women notice such things.
Guy
I just came across your page on a Google search of the keywords men and infatuation. Well, I’m glad I clicked on this link! I love love everything that comes from you. It just resonated with me at the perfect time. You are an amazing individual and I thank you for your effort in writing all of this!
Your Highness Kzmxo,
Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
By the way, how does one pronounce your screen name? Or, is that the way a pretty woman keeps people from speaking about her? If so, very smart! (Just kidding, darling. Newbies can use a tickle under the chin to brighten their smile.)
Guy
Dear Mr Guy,
I have been reading your blog for the last 4 months and have made it to your 2013 post about your 7th anniversary blog. I intend to read every one of your blog post and it’s been a slow process yet enjoyable. Thank you for sharing your wisdom to ladies such as myself. I have been posting excerpts of your blog on my own page and I hope that is fine with you. Carry on with your fine work dear Sir!
https://www.facebook.com/rulescoachmarywinters/
Your Highness Mary Winters,
Welcome aboard. I love it when pretty women join us on this cruise on WhatWomenNeverHear.
Yes, it’s fine to post excepts on your page. Thank you.
Guy
(I seem to have lost my original post)
My dearest Sir Guy,
I didn’t know where else to post this message of gratitude to you and your words of wisdom found on this blog.
Because of the principles you have taught me from the time I found your blog, 2 marriages have resulted, 1 marriage proposal is on the way (we can sense it!), 1 relationship is going so well it’s beyond anything we ever imagined. We are a circle of friends and I am the 2nd oldest. All the girls are avid readers of your blog. So thank you ever so much! I don’t know what my love life would be like without you.
I still haven’t found my Prince but it’s been a fun ride. I’ve won every battle I’ve had with all of my exes and I’ve left with my sanity and reputation intact. Each of them have treated me with the utmost respect throughout the relationships and after, and its you I have to thank for all of it. There is always a lot of interest at any one time so I will let the good times roll until my Prince comes along.
Men are never more handsome than when they teach ladies how to be queens.
Love always,
Your Highness Gonemaverick,
Thank you, sweetie. You remain a favorite by all that you do.
Guy
Thank you from the bottom of my crooked little heart for your blog! I am a happily lapsed feminist, who was never taught the truth about men and women and had no idea about many things until a variety of resources crossed my path, your blog being one.
I have changed my ways completely and it is making all the difference!
Thanks, and thanks, and ever thanks!
Ms. Maria
Your Highness Ms. Maria,
Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to What Women Never Hear.
Guy