Category Archives: courtship

2756. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 07 Formula for Success


A formula exists with significant potential for marital success. Follow it and separation is not likely to cloud the marital horizon. It is this.

Formula. Wife starts each day in a happy frame of mind + she’s grateful for and likes who she is and what she does + she’s grateful for the man and kids she does it with + she allows her heart to outwardly reflect and shower her gratitude on those nearby and it = another great day. All of which confirms her self-confidence and gratefulness and brings on a steady and predictable state to her marital affairs.

Spinning out of her great day, her dynamic presence in the lives of her family overwhelms whatever negative outcomes they each may face. She’s in charge by acting in charge; she’s effective by getting her way, because she doesn’t rule but helps guide the self-development of family members. It’s her show to run, but most wives probably lack the first ingredient—‘wife starts each day in a happy frame of mind’.

And readers say, “you mean she only has to be happy?” Yes, but it’s a specific kind and cause, a derivative of the night before, and the major point of this article.

I know it sounds too simple and fanciful, but I’m about to answer the troublesome issue we ponder here. How does she get to a happy frame of mind each morning? She gets it in bed the night before.

You gals can claim that I’m wrong, but I’ll stick with three assumptions.

  1. A wife is as happy in the morning as husband confirmed the night before that she is very important to herself, extremely important to him, and essential for preservation of their relationship. Not satisfied sexually although it may have happened, but confirmed with lovemaking and intimacy that erases any and all doubt about her worthiness and importance to him and life together. IOW, sex without lots of post-coital intimacy is neither good lovemaking nor motivation to be happy the next morning.
  2. A happy woman in the morning is not out to find flaws or faults in her man, disruptions in her life for which she can blame someone else, or otherwise kill the gratefulness in her heart for who she is and what she does. She’s out to build upon the grand fortress she’s fortunate to have found in bed with an adoring and superlative lover. IOW, intimacy dominates her sex life, and post-coital intimacy is the most valuable. When it’s lacking, lovemaking is incomplete and happy doesn’t crown her attitude the next day. She’s as happy today as husband made her feel important last night.
  3. Her husband has no idea that she’s made that way, so dependent on his behavior in bed. A man knows that if she experiences orgasm, he’s done his job and a good one too. He believes what he figures out. Consequently, knowing that he and willy are great lovers, he’s pretty much into either poke, come, and go or he seeks new sexual adventures. Whichever way he takes them, he’s fully qualified and eager to prove his lovemaking ability.

See the dilemma? Wife knows what she needs but he doesn’t. He thinks orgasm is enough, she knows better. He professes lovemaking skills, which turns him against learning something new. He figures he knows her sexual side full well, that’s all that counts in bed, and so his beliefs become more inflexible and his sexual habits more disappointing over time. To him, sexual prowess depends on techniques with his willy more than embracing, holding, and stroking her body amid affectionate whispering in her ear.

IOW, they are not even close to being on the same wavelength about sex and her importance in his and her life together. Wives learn to fake whatever they need in order to preserve the relationship. It means they subordinate intimacy to relationship solidarity. It’s an investment of herself, but not a very rewarding one.

Women need for men to be better lovers; specifically, spreaders of intimacy as the major outcome of sexual relations.

To tell a man that is to insult him. Women need a strategy to coax and coach husbands into becoming better intimacy-based lovers. It’s next if I can produce it.

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2754. Life Made Simpler for Women — 15


  1. Sex bonds a woman but not a man. Their having first sex together does not produce the fallout that women expect, and it can devastate her after she becomes aware of it.
  2. Don’t try to impress a date with a romantic dinner at your place; romantic to you isn’t encouraging to him. Better to feed him in a comfortable atmosphere that encourages his romantic initiative. Men do comfort naturally and do romance to impress or get close to a woman.
  3. Conquest of a woman confirms a man’s self-admiration and reinforces self-satisfaction for goal achievement. It frees and nudges him to locate and move toward another sex target. Before conquest, his mind was made up that she’s a keeper, good for booty, or disposable. (His nature works that way more than it being her fault.)
  4. Men chase women endlessly. They try to spread seed because of an unconditional primal urge to conquer that rivals mother love in intensity, drive, and permanence. His ability expires but thoughts survive; ambitions fade but dreams persist of what might have been.
  5. Getting competitively in husband’s face for wife to win her way causes marital wrecks. Among other advantages possessed by females, cooperation enables wives to keep husband focused on getting his way in the present while she focuses on getting her way in the future.
  6. Men seek sex to admire themselves, while women seek romance to confirm their importance. If women don’t stand up for themselves to reinforce their self-respect, then disrespect of females dominate the social marketplace and frustrate female dreams. Men don’t give respect for no reason; it has to be earned.
  7. Women are born loaded with self-love that enables them to love others. Not so with regard to respect. As born, women lack self-respect, and they can’t give what’s not in their hearts. They earn self-respect as young girls doing chores and other accomplishments that match up with their feminine nature. As they mature, they can show heartfelt respect for boys and men.
  8. Men are born loaded with self-respect but lacking in self-love. They learn to love themselves as young boys doing manly chores and masculine accomplishments that match up and smooth out their unpolished nature. After they develop successfully, they can show heartfelt love for girls and women.

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2753. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 05 Are You Compatible?


For the sake of clarity, I define complex matters in the simplest form. In the case of pursuing marital success—aka they never separate—the need for compatibility seems paramount. It brings to mind the lament of an old school wife: Glory be and golly gee! If its to be, it’s up to me.

Once joined in matrimony, compatibility means to go beyond love to sustain a couple’s mutual likeability, friendliness, and congeniality. Mutual love gets them started well, but it doesn’t last. Managing compatibility is easiest done by eliminating relationship toxins: by preventing the accumulation of irritants, accusations, criticism, blame, denying one’s responsibility, and other negative influences.

A couple’s compatibility requires management. Love isn’t enough for two reasons. Men love less reliably than women and even her romantic love fades in a year or two. After that, a more enduring love is essential to prevent separation. It puts the responsibility on the wife. A husband only knows how to ride along innocently; he automatically figures he is compatible or he would be somewhere else.*

Moreover, she has all the management ability. So, what does compatibility look like?

  • Sensory compatibility: It’s rooted in her immense ability to love deeply, she knows intuitively they are compatible. How can it be otherwise than right now? They are so in love. Consequently, the temporary nature of it goes unrecognized until it fades with romantic love in a year or two.
  • Mature compatibility: It’s rooted in a woman’s determination to ensure that she keeps her relationship together, and the wise wife begins immediately after the honeymoon. She can’t anticipate the frustrations and problems that lay ahead, but she can begin to strengthen their ability to live more closely and longer together.

Both sexes are born to be compatible with a mate, but its left up to couples. Wife, being the relationship manager, inherits the burden to see that husband doesn’t operate at the fringe of their compatibility. She holds him closer with tactics that satisfy him more than they satisfy her. Yes, her spirit of compatibility needs to be contagious. His sense of compatibility is weak until she patiently over time inspires them both to be more mutually likeable, friendly, and congenial. Make them closer together without demanding it of husband.

It’s not her love or their love that holds them together. Marital success requires more. Particularly that which arises out of the absence of irritants, turn offs, criticism, blame, anger at one another, deep arguments, fights, and other negative influences and accusations.

Sex likenesses do not breed success in a couple. Likenesses stir competition at which wives inevitably lose. Sex differences seal them together much better, because husbands can respect women who are different, unique, mysterious, and femininely attractive.

If she’s not fully understandable, he can mumble under his breath that she’s just a woman and move on without comment. It’s a husband’s favorite hobby; it relieves pressure to say the wrong thing, and he feels good about helping to keep peace with her.

More importantly in modern times, success requires the absence of wives acting like men. Many wives envy and expect to enjoy the perquisites and privileges that husbands think are their due. Wives can’t act like a husband and expect to keep the husband they have. It nurtures competition at which she inevitably loses to him. The virtuous woman that men seek to marry are highlighted by being uniquely different from men; wives do best when they remain that way.

In short, compatibility is marvelous when husband continues to pursue wife’s presence and close association within marriage. Likeable, friendly, and congenial, all of it underwritten by her love that signals her allegiance and loyalty to him. Her satisfactions come from his actions that signify her importance in both his life and her governance of their marital arrangement.

Women need or want a mate, men don’t need one but may want one. Energized by female love, women jump right in and work at it, but men drift along with whatever a woman offers in the way of mating that satisfies their man. Her compatibility management holds them together.

If she does it right, he accepts their life together as friendly and congenial habit, and he’s more easily satisfied to live with her for life.

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*Heads up, ladies. In premarital screening, be sure to uncover each man’s habit of tossing relationship toxins into your relationship. Red flags should fly if a man is easily inclined to fault or criticize you, deny his responsibility for some things, or otherwise inflict your premarital relationship with negative inputs. It takes very little of that to poison marital compatibility after he’s unrestrained by winning you in marriage.

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2752. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 04 His Battle of the Sexes


In a husband’s mind, he won the Battle of the Sexes when he proposed marriage. She became his when she accepted what he offered. If not conquered before, the wedding night confirmed conquest. No battles left to fight or even disagree; he’s in charge but innocent of what wife has likely laid out for the days ahead.

It means that whatever battles ensue are most likely caused by wife’s desire to make things different than existed in premarital times. He marries expecting to continue as before and for her not to change, but she does. She marries expecting him to change, but he won’t. He continues his presence by filling his premarital role. She continues her presence with him with thoughts of fulfilling whatever her marital dreams have become.

His marital expectations arise automatically out of natural dominance, his commitment to obligations for which he accepts responsibility, and conviction that their relationship is steady and in no need of change. From day one, their marriage is okay, so he seeks few or no changes. The marriage runs well as is. He envisions none of the changes or improvements that she intends to make.

A man’s interest in marriage can be boiled down to one specific objective. Is he satisfied with who and what he is and who he does it with? Regardless of what she does and who she is, is he satisfied with her, living with her, and thus satisfied with his marriage? He may or may not be happy as she visualizes it, but his satisfaction with himself is more important anyway.

He bundles his mind and heart into marriage. His attitude reflects that he perceives things to be somewhat like the list below. Perception is reality; whatever appears to be, is, and so he acts accordingly. Here’s a ten-pack bundle about how the male nature works as the result of being born different from women.

  1. If she’s smiling, all is well with her. If she frowns or complains, he blames himself. He’s responsible to keep the marriage going well, but he takes personal her complaints about it. Men don’t easily accept blame or guilt from their mate. Unless his desire to please her exceeds his desire to get his way for each incident, he responds defensively, shifts to offense, and institutes competition with every intent to win. (He can’t win without her losing and vice versa once competition arises.)
  2. He’s the ultimate boss but she’s the governor over marital matters. Her authority to act on their behalf rests with his respect that she earned previously or on the job as wife. Even more so than his love of her, which makes it hard for her to both understand and accept. (He works with his mind and she works with her heart to win battles.)
  3. Their relationship is okay as is, so nothing needs managing. A relationship is good or bad, on or off, yes or no, okay or not. To him, no need to fix anything, because he can’t comprehend how except that it’s her fault and for her to correct herself. It may not be the final outcome, but that’s where his thinking begins (and competition worsens it for wife).
  4. She’s free and expected to handle those things of which he has little or no interest.
  5. He’ll let her know when things aren’t right or acceptable. Direct is his strong suit for he expects her to follow his lead. (Indirect is her strength for she finds him willing to please when she leads indirectly.)
  6. He accepted her competing with him before they married, but he expects no more of it—just her cooperation as needed.
  7. He owns their sexual agenda. Convenience, frequency, willingness, and readiness are expected. Lack of welcomeness insults him.
  8. He expects her respect, gratitude, and dependence on him for producing, providing, protecting, and problem solving. It’s his primary role in marriage.
  9. He expects her to remain his bride for life. He can accept aging as cause of changes, but her careless changes in appearance and habits disappoint him unless he endorses them specifically.
  10. He doesn’t view love as the glue of their marriage. Satisfaction with her likeability is more glue-worthy with him. Her presence outweighs her love offerings, which are great, however, to confirm her loyalty (and make her feel extra good).

It happens easily for new brides. She feels shortchanged by his actions that don’t promote her importance in their life together, such as lack of attention, affection, and appreciation. He harbors the view that he paid her price to win her, what more does she expect? Whatever he showed before marriage was part of the price he paid to win her hand. Men view such special considerations necessary before but not necessarily after marriage; she’s easy to take for granted once he’s won her over to his side.

A husband’s battle of the sexes is to prevent changes to their marital arrangement that cause dissatisfaction with who he is, what he does, and who he does it with. If wife can alter marital arrangements without dissatisfying him in the process, she can probably have her way in most matters.

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2750. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 03 Her Battle of the Sexes


At post 2749 I described the War of the Sexes as each woman individually and independently up against all men, competing to see who gets their way. They are blessed by nature to succeed in that arrangement. Men go where the women are, so it’s up to each woman to play her cards independently to her own advantage.

Perhaps contrary to popular thought, the Battle of the Sexes is not about male gender versus female gender, dominance vs. submissive, equality vs. fairness, husband vs. wife, responsibility vs. irresponsibility. It’s easy to believe those competitive connections to be normal. However, God didn’t design us, Nature and genetics don’t endow us, and hormones don’t energize us that way.*

The Battle of the Sexes is one on one, begins with first encounter, and she commands the battleground. One woman willing to yield her independence under the right conditions versus one man willing to suppress his dominant nature long enough to conquer her. She inherits the burden to convince him that she’s much more endearing to him personally and more valuable for his life than are his hopes of conquest.

Both are born to get their way with the other, eternal competition that only a relationship expert can manage well. He’s a conqueror seeking conquest without obligation. She’s a conqueror seeking marriage before conquest. It’s the only way she can be sure of what he is truly after, either sex or her.

With a lasso made of her beauty, mystery, modesty, monogamous spirit, and his desire to conquer, he places it around his neck. One woman cuts out that man from the herd; leads him into her corral; breaks him of bucking; and does it with vim, vigor, and vitality. Before he can get her into bed the first time, she coaches and persuades him to learn how it pleases him to be both tamed and harnessed with her as good woman. By committing to how she trains him, he finally achieves conquest and enjoys the frequent and convenient sex won by pulling her buggy through life together.

The Battle of the Sexes expands with them as a couple. They court until both are convinced they are made for each other. He makes his move with a proposal of marriage, if and when he’s convinced living with her will satisfy him more than the way he presently lives.

With all his warts and sins, she is more the challenge than he. Example: As soon as she blames him for being like all men, she hardens his resistence to her influence, which means she weakens her ability to win the battle of capturing him. It’s a contradiction she has to work out successfully in the corral of their life together, and she has more than enough ability. The time and way to start is the tough part. (Discussed more deeply in future articles.)

The Battle of the Sexes is continuous in time, daily in events, and one woman pitted against whatever man she currently faces in whatever role he fills—first encounter, friend, foe, husband, boyfriend, business associate, FWB, or whatever. It’s each woman’s personal battle, and she has no one but herself to win it. IOW, yes, it’s all up to her how well she does in both the war and her battles to get her way in life with one man.

She has to rely on herself alone. As soon as she seeks help through the aegis and protection of other women banding together or blaming all men for her man’s faults, the man she faces assumes the aura of dominance in her eyes, which weakens her position. She then takes the easy road, allows for the expected dominant pressures, and yields sex or other matters without a battle of wits. In the process, he more easily refuses to cooperate or help her win their one-on-one battle.

By disregarding dominance as having a role in her relationships, each individual female more easily cuts out one horse to put in her corral. The battle then is that one female tames one male to be civilized up to female expectations to facilitate the raising of children. Each individual woman does that to her man, and she leaves other men and women out of her life to do the same for themselves.

Tomorrow: His Battle of the Sexes

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* It appears that way because modern culture says we can’t live with the sexes being different. The political class for reasons hidden from the public for over half a century ridicule men and criticize male traits and behaviors. They blame men for female problems, which makes enemies of men, which makes women desperate to have a man, which encourages them to act more like men in order to have one of their own. IOW, if women can’t make men stand up to feminist exaggerations, copy their ambitions and lie down with them.

The professed political object centralizes power to weaken patriarchy, but the result is political makeover of America. Once, our Judeo-Christian culture was primarily female friendly. Nowadays, it’s male friendlier and getting more so.

 

 

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2749. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 02 War of the Sexes


I recently recognized a severe problem connected with my explanations, reader understanding, and women relating with men. Let me re-frame the relationship picture. For clarity in the future, I use more precise definitions of the War of the Sexes and the Battle of the Sexes (tomorrow).

The War of the Sexes is men against women, true. Individuals of both sexes are born to get their way, so competition is a universal motivator. Yet, the dominant sex is reluctant to give away the privileges of dominance. Consequently, women far too easily fall victim to masculine disregard, disrespect, and even maltreatment except they find a better way to handle one man’s dominance.

It’s the immovable object of male dominance versus the irresistible force of attractive females. That picture needs further development.

Men are individualistic and have the physical and mental ability to force women if they wish. Viewing that as threatening, women cooperate more and try to bond together to overcome male dominance. It’s not their best strategy to admit that dominance exists.

The irresistible force of women comes not from their banding together but the opposite. Immovable objects are vulnerable to unique female beauty, independent mystery and charm of individual females, and their willingness to respect a man for who he is, what he does, and what he can brag about and promise for her future. It’s a job for each individual woman on her own.

It arises out of the irresistible attractiveness in the eyes of men that encourages one of them to become moveable—that is, more civilized, tamed, and accepting of one woman’s expectations in order to have her as his own. Consequently, unless each exploits her attractiveness to the best of her ability, she becomes less irresistible and less appealing to a man seeking a permanent mate.

It amounts to this. The war is each individual woman versus all men. Neither all nor many men can satisfy her. She only needs one but has to screen many and perhaps fight some to find one good enough for her standards and expectations. She has to be able to govern their relationship, which means she has to earn his  trust, which only arises out of his respect earned early in their relationship.

Therefore, until one man finds her the dream of his life, all those others make up a parade of passers-by. She’s on her own with whatever irresistible attractions she can generate. Other women are more competition than helpers; their advice is not based on her expectations, hopes, and dreams but their own as they apply it to her life. Her own judgments are paramount, and the greater her self-gratitude, the stronger and more dependable her decisions for her.

Neither individually nor gender-wide as feminists try to make it, women can’t overpower their dominant mate. They may think or assume they have, but it isn’t reality; men can invent surprises, if they don’t already have some developed. In their heart of hearts, they refuse to lose to a weaker person in the normal course of events. She has to make their relationship unique and above normal in his eyes, so that he loses interest in always getting his way with her. He prefers to please her more than dominate her.

She can do it. Women are born with special abilities that men lack. She was born to get her way, and she’s all alone in getting it with one man. She was also born with all the ability needed to achieve it. Self-gratitude for courage to stand up to get her way; the respectful, respectable, and honorable intentions within her heart and manner; and the necessary skills, talent, and expertise to govern their relationship successfully.

When women try to outcompete dominant men, they fail over the long run. Consequently, she’s better with another strategy. Women are born able to outwit, outsmart, and outmaneuver the dominance in one man—not the man but his dominant ways that are vulnerable to his being bought off. Provided, that is, if no one else knows about it, or it appears he’s giving of himself rather than being defeated.

Each woman’s war continues daily until she isolates one man to join her in the Battle of the Sexes, one on one. Her female armor shines virtuously with mystery, modesty, and monogamous promise. Maybe more, but at least one man finds her attractive enough that his self-interest to have her exceeds his natural urge for first-time sex together.

Her lasso is around his neck, and she never threw it. He took her attractive bait as he continues to enjoy the self-promise of exploiting his conqueror’s ability and ambition of bedding her. The immovable object yields to the irresistible force.

So much for handling male dominance. It’s won in the war between one woman and all men. In her self-development as a female, she refuses to recognize it in light of her irresistibility and ability to park dominance off in the corner of her relationships.

Dominance is out of the picture. The Battle of the Sexes is one-on-one and enables an independent woman to use her irresistible force to make her likeability as potential mate as attractive as her best appearance.

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2748. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 01 Introduction


Seventeen years ago I set out to develop ‘a golden formula’ for successful marriage, defined as they do not separate. Not perfect and perhaps not even very good marital arrangements, but mutually satisfying for who they are and what they have as a couple plus some method to hold them together.

I was motivated by this comparison. Grace and I had 59 years of success in our one and only marriage. We saw so many broken marriages that included our three sons. Why was separation for Grace and me so difficult, and yet so easy for so many others?

I discovered that couples are not held together by common emotional connections such as love, vows, mutual likeability, legal pressures, and good intentions. All of which are prompters of motivation stronger within women than men. Although highly exploited, those connections are only fronts and often temporary. They are positive concepts and affirming emotions that help a lot but are less influential than negative disruptions that too easily pile up in pressure fronts and disturb relationship equilibrium and steadiness.

Example: Husband goes off to work with wife’s kiss and nice wishes the last thing out the door. Before the car is out of the garage, his mind is elsewhere. With men, positive endorsements of his importance to others is well known to him. It’s not a concern or worry, and he has more important matters to occupy his thoughts today.

If the same thing happens to wife, she’s more inclined to longer enjoy his departing thoughts. Perhaps until she gets to the first stop sign or light. Positive and affirming thoughts are essential for successful marriage, but they are less impressive and occupy the mind far less than statements that identify or criticize one’s individuality.

Couples are held together better by the absence of little things that accumulate, offend, and wear down one or the other mate: blame, shame, irritants, impatience, misunderstandings, criticism, nagging, fault-finding, unfilled promises, abuse, and disrespect. All of which can too easily accumulate and morph into contestable pressures so unacceptable that one or both has to escape. IOW, personal differences drown out the attractions of gender differences. Separation follows based on determination of one or the other to escape their anti-respectful, self-induced environment in which opinions differ as to one’s worth to self or the other.

Too little respect motivates one mate to express negative opinions about the other. True respect for someone discourages defining or describing their faults; respect encourages their acceptance, warts and all. So, when mutual respect is not present, love and vows and other affirming connections are not enough to hold a couple together.

The roots of mutual respect one gender for the other, one guy for one gal and vice versa goes back in time. So, it begins with how they are born to be distinctly different from birth and even before. Next, there’s a difference between the war and the battle of the sexes.

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