Category Archives: Dear daughter

2750. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 03 Her Battle of the Sexes


At post 2749 I described the War of the Sexes as each woman individually and independently up against all men, competing to see who gets their way. They are blessed by nature to succeed in that arrangement. Men go where the women are, so it’s up to each woman to play her cards independently to her own advantage.

Perhaps contrary to popular thought, the Battle of the Sexes is not about male gender versus female gender, dominance vs. submissive, equality vs. fairness, husband vs. wife, responsibility vs. irresponsibility. It’s easy to believe those competitive connections to be normal. However, God didn’t design us, Nature and genetics don’t endow us, and hormones don’t energize us that way.*

The Battle of the Sexes is one on one, begins with first encounter, and she commands the battleground. One woman willing to yield her independence under the right conditions versus one man willing to suppress his dominant nature long enough to conquer her. She inherits the burden to convince him that she’s much more endearing to him personally and more valuable for his life than are his hopes of conquest.

Both are born to get their way with the other, eternal competition that only a relationship expert can manage well. He’s a conqueror seeking conquest without obligation. She’s a conqueror seeking marriage before conquest. It’s the only way she can be sure of what he is truly after, either sex or her.

With a lasso made of her beauty, mystery, modesty, monogamous spirit, and his desire to conquer, he places it around his neck. One woman cuts out that man from the herd; leads him into her corral; breaks him of bucking; and does it with vim, vigor, and vitality. Before he can get her into bed the first time, she coaches and persuades him to learn how it pleases him to be both tamed and harnessed with her as good woman. By committing to how she trains him, he finally achieves conquest and enjoys the frequent and convenient sex won by pulling her buggy through life together.

The Battle of the Sexes expands with them as a couple. They court until both are convinced they are made for each other. He makes his move with a proposal of marriage, if and when he’s convinced living with her will satisfy him more than the way he presently lives.

With all his warts and sins, she is more the challenge than he. Example: As soon as she blames him for being like all men, she hardens his resistence to her influence, which means she weakens her ability to win the battle of capturing him. It’s a contradiction she has to work out successfully in the corral of their life together, and she has more than enough ability. The time and way to start is the tough part. (Discussed more deeply in future articles.)

The Battle of the Sexes is continuous in time, daily in events, and one woman pitted against whatever man she currently faces in whatever role he fills—first encounter, friend, foe, husband, boyfriend, business associate, FWB, or whatever. It’s each woman’s personal battle, and she has no one but herself to win it. IOW, yes, it’s all up to her how well she does in both the war and her battles to get her way in life with one man.

She has to rely on herself alone. As soon as she seeks help through the aegis and protection of other women banding together or blaming all men for her man’s faults, the man she faces assumes the aura of dominance in her eyes, which weakens her position. She then takes the easy road, allows for the expected dominant pressures, and yields sex or other matters without a battle of wits. In the process, he more easily refuses to cooperate or help her win their one-on-one battle.

By disregarding dominance as having a role in her relationships, each individual female more easily cuts out one horse to put in her corral. The battle then is that one female tames one male to be civilized up to female expectations to facilitate the raising of children. Each individual woman does that to her man, and she leaves other men and women out of her life to do the same for themselves.

Tomorrow: His Battle of the Sexes

——

* It appears that way because modern culture says we can’t live with the sexes being different. The political class for reasons hidden from the public for over half a century ridicule men and criticize male traits and behaviors. They blame men for female problems, which makes enemies of men, which makes women desperate to have a man, which encourages them to act more like men in order to have one of their own. IOW, if women can’t make men stand up to feminist exaggerations, copy their ambitions and lie down with them.

The professed political object centralizes power to weaken patriarchy, but the result is political makeover of America. Once, our Judeo-Christian culture was primarily female friendly. Nowadays, it’s male friendlier and getting more so.

 

 

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2749. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 02 War of the Sexes


I recently recognized a severe problem connected with my explanations, reader understanding, and women relating with men. Let me re-frame the relationship picture. For clarity in the future, I use more precise definitions of the War of the Sexes and the Battle of the Sexes (tomorrow).

The War of the Sexes is men against women, true. Individuals of both sexes are born to get their way, so competition is a universal motivator. Yet, the dominant sex is reluctant to give away the privileges of dominance. Consequently, women far too easily fall victim to masculine disregard, disrespect, and even maltreatment except they find a better way to handle one man’s dominance.

It’s the immovable object of male dominance versus the irresistible force of attractive females. That picture needs further development.

Men are individualistic and have the physical and mental ability to force women if they wish. Viewing that as threatening, women cooperate more and try to bond together to overcome male dominance. It’s not their best strategy to admit that dominance exists.

The irresistible force of women comes not from their banding together but the opposite. Immovable objects are vulnerable to unique female beauty, independent mystery and charm of individual females, and their willingness to respect a man for who he is, what he does, and what he can brag about and promise for her future. It’s a job for each individual woman on her own.

It arises out of the irresistible attractiveness in the eyes of men that encourages one of them to become moveable—that is, more civilized, tamed, and accepting of one woman’s expectations in order to have her as his own. Consequently, unless each exploits her attractiveness to the best of her ability, she becomes less irresistible and less appealing to a man seeking a permanent mate.

It amounts to this. The war is each individual woman versus all men. Neither all nor many men can satisfy her. She only needs one but has to screen many and perhaps fight some to find one good enough for her standards and expectations. She has to be able to govern their relationship, which means she has to earn his  trust, which only arises out of his respect earned early in their relationship.

Therefore, until one man finds her the dream of his life, all those others make up a parade of passers-by. She’s on her own with whatever irresistible attractions she can generate. Other women are more competition than helpers; their advice is not based on her expectations, hopes, and dreams but their own as they apply it to her life. Her own judgments are paramount, and the greater her self-gratitude, the stronger and more dependable her decisions for her.

Neither individually nor gender-wide as feminists try to make it, women can’t overpower their dominant mate. They may think or assume they have, but it isn’t reality; men can invent surprises, if they don’t already have some developed. In their heart of hearts, they refuse to lose to a weaker person in the normal course of events. She has to make their relationship unique and above normal in his eyes, so that he loses interest in always getting his way with her. He prefers to please her more than dominate her.

She can do it. Women are born with special abilities that men lack. She was born to get her way, and she’s all alone in getting it with one man. She was also born with all the ability needed to achieve it. Self-gratitude for courage to stand up to get her way; the respectful, respectable, and honorable intentions within her heart and manner; and the necessary skills, talent, and expertise to govern their relationship successfully.

When women try to outcompete dominant men, they fail over the long run. Consequently, she’s better with another strategy. Women are born able to outwit, outsmart, and outmaneuver the dominance in one man—not the man but his dominant ways that are vulnerable to his being bought off. Provided, that is, if no one else knows about it, or it appears he’s giving of himself rather than being defeated.

Each woman’s war continues daily until she isolates one man to join her in the Battle of the Sexes, one on one. Her female armor shines virtuously with mystery, modesty, and monogamous promise. Maybe more, but at least one man finds her attractive enough that his self-interest to have her exceeds his natural urge for first-time sex together.

Her lasso is around his neck, and she never threw it. He took her attractive bait as he continues to enjoy the self-promise of exploiting his conqueror’s ability and ambition of bedding her. The immovable object yields to the irresistible force.

So much for handling male dominance. It’s won in the war between one woman and all men. In her self-development as a female, she refuses to recognize it in light of her irresistibility and ability to park dominance off in the corner of her relationships.

Dominance is out of the picture. The Battle of the Sexes is one-on-one and enables an independent woman to use her irresistible force to make her likeability as potential mate as attractive as her best appearance.

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2748. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 01 Introduction


Seventeen years ago I set out to develop ‘a golden formula’ for successful marriage, defined as they do not separate. Not perfect and perhaps not even very good marital arrangements, but mutually satisfying for who they are and what they have as a couple plus some method to hold them together.

I was motivated by this comparison. Grace and I had 59 years of success in our one and only marriage. We saw so many broken marriages that included our three sons. Why was separation for Grace and me so difficult, and yet so easy for so many others?

I discovered that couples are not held together by common emotional connections such as love, vows, mutual likeability, legal pressures, and good intentions. All of which are prompters of motivation stronger within women than men. Although highly exploited, those connections are only fronts and often temporary. They are positive concepts and affirming emotions that help a lot but are less influential than negative disruptions that too easily pile up in pressure fronts and disturb relationship equilibrium and steadiness.

Example: Husband goes off to work with wife’s kiss and nice wishes the last thing out the door. Before the car is out of the garage, his mind is elsewhere. With men, positive endorsements of his importance to others is well known to him. It’s not a concern or worry, and he has more important matters to occupy his thoughts today.

If the same thing happens to wife, she’s more inclined to longer enjoy his departing thoughts. Perhaps until she gets to the first stop sign or light. Positive and affirming thoughts are essential for successful marriage, but they are less impressive and occupy the mind far less than statements that identify or criticize one’s individuality.

Couples are held together better by the absence of little things that accumulate, offend, and wear down one or the other mate: blame, shame, irritants, impatience, misunderstandings, criticism, nagging, fault-finding, unfilled promises, abuse, and disrespect. All of which can too easily accumulate and morph into contestable pressures so unacceptable that one or both has to escape. IOW, personal differences drown out the attractions of gender differences. Separation follows based on determination of one or the other to escape their anti-respectful, self-induced environment in which opinions differ as to one’s worth to self or the other.

Too little respect motivates one mate to express negative opinions about the other. True respect for someone discourages defining or describing their faults; respect encourages their acceptance, warts and all. So, when mutual respect is not present, love and vows and other affirming connections are not enough to hold a couple together.

The roots of mutual respect one gender for the other, one guy for one gal and vice versa goes back in time. So, it begins with how they are born to be distinctly different from birth and even before. Next, there’s a difference between the war and the battle of the sexes.

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2747. Life Made Simpler for Women — 14


  1. Her virtues are the primary influence for keeping husband in her life. He takes advantage of her admirable qualities to support his ambitions, facilitate his accomplishments, and satisfy his agenda with her. If he can’t admire how and what she is and does, his interest wanes.
  2. As they do early in life, women keep their man satisfied in old age with feminine likeability and loyalty. He didn’t back in the day, and he still doesn’t want someone other than he married—or to live by himself. He appreciates her features and habits that remain from her courtship and bridal glory, so he can age with her rather than someone else that she has become.
  3. Older wives, heads up! Men do not change to get what they want with a woman, but they will change to keep what they have.
  4. Younger women will change to please their man; older women will not. Men can’t realize and appreciate all an early wife has to offer him. It takes years before a husband discovers how much he appreciates what his wife delivers through love of him, gratefulness for herself, and dedication to their arrangement for living together.
  5. It’s not obvious, but hormonal changes morph men and women into different roles later in life. A man’s ambitions wane from lack of opportunity or ability to accomplish. His woman’s ambitions rise on prospects of grandchildren and need for new thinking to brighten the future.
  6. A man absorbed with conquering much younger women is a man married to his own adolescent self. An adultolescent or control freak! Such men don’t mate well, permanently that is.
  7. Men don’t compete with their woman. They avoid it or render a dominant decision to prevent or stop it. They do so because it contradicts their dominant nature if they lose to a weaker person, male or female.

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2743. Sexual Relations and the Male Mind


Not surprisingly, sexual relations affects a man’s mind very differently from the minds of women. We shall look at vaginal intercourse, cunnilingus, fellatio, and irregular forms as their effects apply to couples living together. (Players and singles are motivated by other interests, and so the following may or may not apply.)

For simplicity, allow me to reduce vaginal intercourse to two kinds as viewed by the female mind. Lovemaking at its most and least satisfying for women.

Most Satisfying. Vaginal intercourse preceded by enough foreplay and followed by intimate afterplay make a love object of a man’s woman, as she recognizes it. If done effectively to meet her expectations, she longs for more. It confirms her importance as mate and gratitude as love object—‘I’m still attractive and he loves me’.

Springing automatically from each urge to merge with his mate, a loving and knowledgeable man demonstrates his devotion, respect, and her worth. Life with her and satisfaction with himself combine to motivate him to do well. He seeks to please her for the sake of satisfying himself that she deserves his best effort doing what he promised her, his love. As his loyal and exclusive love interest, her naked presence energizes him to exploit his responsibility, do his duty and do it well. He recognizes that she alone is qualified to asses his performance. His actions confirm her importance to him, and she admires him for demonstrating it.

So long, that is, as her feedback in no way questions his techniques, competence, or results. Given negative feedback on such sensitive subjects, a man loses interest in his mate and seeks satisfaction elsewhere. If she doesn’t inspire him with her satisfaction, his lovemaking efforts diminish with loss of self-respect and her loyalty to him alone becomes suspect.

The more time he devotes to each event, especially post-coital holding, the more likely he gets better and she appreciates his prowess. His likeability in her eyes for gently playing with her body energizes him to spend more time at it. The more sincerely enjoyable to her, the greater his inspiration to keep her that way. Any lack of her enjoyment drives a man to take short cuts, be more efficient and usually leads to less foreplay, afterplay, and intimate holding.

For the same unselfish reasons, a man performs cunnilingus and reinforces in her mind that he treasures her. His giving of himself out of respect and love to please her is the direct opposite of her giving fellatio, shown below.

Least Satisfying. Not all men are in relationships that inspire and motivate such extensive and satisfying lovemaking. Not all women know how to cultivate that mindset in themselves and their mate. So, let’s ignore any shortened versions of lovemaking and presume vaginal intercourse alone as the only other option that prevails between mates.

For the woman, the least satisfying vaginal intercourse comes when the man pleases himself with little or no regard for pleasing her. Foreplay, afterplay, and intimacy are weak or missing. His duty is to himself and he selfishly fulfills it. Poke, come, and go! If she’s pleasured too, it’s a bonus. The effect on the male mind confirms that she’s useful but not necessary to keep around.

OTOH, the attractions that keep a couple together are enshrouded in the connections, comforts, pleasantries, and compatible practices embedded in the most satisfying version of vaginal intercourse above.

Fellatio and irregular forms of sexual relations reduce women to under appreciated sex objects. Many men come to prefer the symbol of their dominance to providing satisfying vaginal intercourse. That is, fellatio outranks intercourse in the hearts of some men, especially the control-types.

Women victimized by fellatio and irregular forms yearn for but can find little or no manly respect. They become subjects of selfishly inspired male dominance; fellatio confirms a man’s worth as dominator. It is the ultimate confirmation that she’s dominated in matters of importance to her man. Trying to get her way with him, she finds that her ideas and suggestions have less merit than before she gave fellatio.

In law, penetration is sufficient to prove rape. In relationships, penetration of mouth is sufficient to prove dominance. In dominance, those looked down on and made submissive are not respected very highly. Those dominated in marriage face this. Imbalance in mutual respect leads to incompatibility, which leads to a dissatisfied wife and a man made more prone to infidelity.

The minds of both sexes are impacted and shaped by sexual relations. The most satisfying vaginal intercourse satisfies women. The least satisfying for women mostly affects the male ego. Fellatio and other forms turn women into victims of male dominance. Not so much what women do as to the effect it has on the male mind; that of not respecting those they dominate. And a man’s love is first founded on respect, or his love doesn’t develop fully.

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2742. Life Made Simpler for Women — 12


  1. Inside a couple, porno-ific sex adds desire for new ways, different adventures. His respect of her fades with each new adventure. Unbalanced mutual respect sooner or later breeds incompatibility.
  2. Both sexes are born to get their way, which makes competition the most common motivator in human life. The male nature inspires men to avoid losing to weaker competitors. Sensing it instinctively, women naturally promote cooperation and collaboration to more easily get their way.
  3. Modern women seek to get their way in the present, the domain of the dominant sex. A well-favored method ridicules the man who imposes his way against hers. Ridicule reflects disrespect for him, which reinforces competition, which renews the urge for women to save face, which raises more competition.
  4. Both sexes are born to be compatible with a mate. Men have the ability, but only the woman has the relationship expertise to generate and maintain it.
  5. A man’s prime mission in life is to satisfy himself with himself. It’s the foundation on which a woman produces a compatible relationship. Provided she defers conquest, of course, so she can hold his attention long enough for devotion to develop.
  6. It’s a major part of keeping himself satisfied with himself. A man needs a place to flop, eat, throw his things, get some R&R, and prepare face his dragons tomorrow. If one woman won’t help, he finds another or lives alone.
  7. Mystery surrounds the male nature, intrigue surrounds how men act, and trickery surrounds the words that hunter-conquerors use to simplify conquest. Keeping her legs crossed enables a woman to unravel the mystery, decipher intrigue, recognize trickery, and decide how to proceed with each guy.

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2741. God’s Gift of Independence


I couldn’t resist an independence theme today. We celebrate a fantastic accomplishment, the likes of which have never been repeated. It’s a great reason to celebrate.

Pardon my hubris but we should also celebrate this: God—or Mother Nature if you insist—designed humans with relationship foundations and abilities for couples to live together. That is, mate up for life. He put one sex more in charge for reasons not so clearly understood.

Born with genetic and hormonal endowments unique to both sex and individual, each person is born independently according to the individuals they will become. Each born able to choose one’s path of life. Each born with the primal urge to develop into what they want to become; what they need to fulfill their ambitions for life among others. Each born independent for using free will and self-centeredness to motivate endless pursuit of self-interest. Each born independent enough to satisfy a God-given urge to get their own way. Infants cry to be fed or cleaned. Toddlers face off against adults until they learn to be more circumspect. Adults compete inside and across gender lines.

All of those features and motivational forces merge together in individuals and turn human interaction into a competitive marketplace. It’s where the sexes become individually responsible to make themselves compatible and burdened to find and keep a mate. It’s the marketplace where independence is sacrificed to join up as a mutually dependent couple.

Much of that above energizes more competition than cooperation, more battle scars than collaboration, less compatibility and magnetic togetherness than required to mate successfully. Yet one sex is responsible for success as couple.

Male is the dominant gender and men rely on dominance or its reflection to get their way. When  pushed, frustrated, or in fear of losing, physical and mental abuse are readily available. A man usually lives within that model but inevitably the other gender resents dealing with it. Sex differences from birth enable a woman to checkmate her man’s tendency to be aggressive. Therein resides the woman’s dilemma, when to appreciate his dominant spirit and how to discourage its use against her interests?

Women work diligently to convince men that cooperation and collaboration are superior to competition; at least dealing with females and in coupledom. They also know the how of it. A woman—mother, granny, teen, fiancée, wife— weans boy and man from aggressive options.

However, women seldom understand this little collaborative theme. To buy into what a woman expects out of him, either boy or man has to end up satisfied with himself; both before he grows up and after they mate up and settle into life together. It’s his main mission in life: Satisfy himself with who he is as individual and what he does through his independence.

The faithful opposition flying in the face of the dominant gender is superior by virtue of each woman’s relationship expertise. Females inherit the ability to generate and govern a couple’s life together and do it to the satisfaction of the man’s sense of who he is and what he does.

She doesn’t have to please him all the time, or be perfect in her attentiveness; she only has to keep him satisfied with himself. The latter impresses him with her expertise; the former too easily lets her slip into frustration or desperation when extra striving to please doesn’t work as she expects.

At birth men inherit only the ability; they have to be taught what women are after and, even more radically, sold on the idea that two live better than one. It’s a female-to-male sales job in the social marketplace. Yet and to the contrary, women have to avoid the seller’s role if they hope to keep a man. If individual men can’t sell well enough for a woman to buy into one of them for her future, that man’s just not good enough for her.

OTOH, at birth females inherit the incentive and inspiration to convert their attractiveness into courtship presentation and negotiation that inspire a man with desire for compatible togetherness. It’s only the bait, however. The hook remains with her ability to let a man discover how important she can be in his life that will shortly reveal his independence to be fading.

The primal want of men is for freedom to make and follow their own decisions, basic independence. The kind of freedom awarded by unalienable rights from “Nature’s God” as thought through by the signers of the Declaration of Independence.

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