Category Archives: Dear daughter

2693. Tradeoffs in Marriage #06


  1. Over the course of a decade or two of successful marriage, wife smoothly coaches and coaxes husband such that his shortcomings fade. Her role as indirect and patient change agent works agreeably to convert natural masculine resistance into what she wants him to be.
  2. Wife is pretty and capable of handling what husband doesn’t want to handle. Husband is handy, provides the essentials, and stands by to protect, produce what’s missing, and problem solve.
  3. Marital success begins with this foundation. He expects to be respected and admired, she expects to be loved and cherished.
  4. Husband is more interested in decisions made today. Wife is more interested in decisions made about the future. Why? She can’t always have her way today, but she can get her way better by shaping the future to brighten their relationship.
  5. Once wife learns to let husband get his way and convince himself that she knows he’s the boss, he becomes proud of her and decides that she’s better qualified than he ever thought. And so, he begins to let her have her way.
  6. After romantic love fades in a year or two, mutual enduring love settles a couple down to where she’s satisfied with him and he’s satisfied with her. Marital comfort and satisfaction follow, if wife will accept it rather than trying for further improvements, such as getting him to change.
  7. She smiles a lot for no apparent reason, and he knows that she’s okay. She doesn’t complain and he knows that he’s okay.

Back to basics. He needs self-admiration, because it motivates him to achieve. She needs a strong sense of self-importance, because it motivates her to be grateful for who she is and what she has. Husband doesn’t need feedback to confirm self-admiration. He’s independent about it. She is dependent and needs confirming feedback of others to justify her sense of self-importance. So, where’s the tradeoff? He loves her for admiring him, and she loves him for making her important to him. It’s the most satisfying and gratifying marital tradeoff.

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2692. Tradeoffs in Marriage #05


  1. He’s responsible to keep their marriage intact. She’s responsible to keep their relationship intact. Call it subordination if you will, but the arrangement exploits the abilities of both in the best way. (Also, domains function most reliably when there’s only one boss.)
  2. Necessity is the mother of a wife’s stream of actions. Frustration is the father of trying to get husband to please her as if he’s a woman.
  3. Wives seek to be happy. It arises when she acts grateful for who she is and what she has. Husbands seek to be comfortable in life away from job. It comes with his planning and freedom from interruptions.
  4. Wife seeks to be loved, cherished, and glorified as important in her multitude of duties. Husband seeks to be admired, respected, and depended upon for what he contributes as the essential man.
  5. Husband expects fidelity, respect, and admiration and even more than her love. Wife expects displays of affectionate love, recognition of her importance, and support to get her way in relationship and domestic matters. (The pressures from feminists teach men that “I love you” is usually enough, however insincere it may be.)
  6. Convinced wife can do better at what she does, husband corrects what he sees as inefficient or ineffective. Knowing it will take decades to improve him, wife ignores his shortcomings.
  7. Men do womanly things when it’s their own idea. It takes a good woman to convince husband that his ideas are more worthy than his expenditure of effort.

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2691. Tradeoffs in Marriage #04


  1. He likes to claim titles that make him feel powerful and in charge, such as king, CEO, or boss. Less interested in titles, she has the power that holds everything together for marital success. She’s seemingly overly burdened, but that’s not the destiny of one who successfully governs home and harmonizes family. Only the loss of pride, self-respect, or his love truly burden her excessively.
  2. When he cherishes her, his definition of it is just fine; she’s so proud and his version is fine.When she’s not cherished, her imagination comes up with all kinds of expectations that he could never satisfy, because she’s in the habit of finding him wanting.
  3. She doesn’t intrude in the domain where he is responsible, unless asked. He doesn’t intrude in her domain of responsibility, unless asked.
  4. She accepts full responsibility for raising the children until first grade. He accepts responsibility as back up in discipline matters and fun resource.
  5. Satisfied with who he is and what he does means satisfied with his marriage. Satisfied with her marriage means satisfied with who he is and what he does. Thus, the marriage revolves around his satisfaction with himself.
  6. If she governs home and family well, her attitude is infectious. His interest enables him to interact in spurts, and his attitude reflects from his direct participation and desire to please her.
  7. Husbands dream of what they can do. Wives dream of what they can have. (Contradictions arise from refusal to respect the dream-rights of each other.)

Truly cherished is missing in the life of many wives, which means it’s the gravy on a meat and potato relationship that she makes work anyway.

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2690. Tradeoffs in Marriage #03


This series intrigues me with the simplicity of marital workability. I hope you ladies will tag me if you think me off-base.

  1. My favorite is this. When she smiles, all must be well with her. If she doesn’t complain, all must be well with him. He reads her symbols and signals to find satisfaction more than he pays attention to her direct words.
  2. He expects her to admire him and his efforts. She expects him to confirm her importance. Her being cherished confirms it like nothing else; it’s superlative.
  3. She can’t, but he can fall in love at first sight and devote himself to her almost immediately. She then looks beyond his devotion expecting to be cherished. IOW, the more she gets the more she wants. Nothing wrong, just her nature. If she’s good enough for something, she’s good enough for more.
  4. Love satisfies her but not him. and so marriage doesn’t depend on love but many other inputs. Specifically, she finds enough satisfaction in her life with him that she keeps him satisfied living with her.
  5. A man’s devotion is the root of his love for her, which is the root of her expectation to be cherished. A woman’s love is the root of his expectation to be admired for who he is and what he does.
  6. She can’t change him although she wishes she could. He will change, however, when he wants to please her more highly than now.
  7. Mutual satisfaction living together outweighs her need to be happy each day and his need to use dominance to get his way.

If wives apply the art of love to verbalizing their complaints, husbands hear that they are worthy and depended upon, not that they are faulty or guilty. It’s worth her time and effort to eliminate blame in the home.

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2689. Tradeoffs in Marriage #02


Here are a few more ounces of prevention—that is, agreeable pressures—that help stabilize and keep a marriage on track. A couple’s time together works it out mostly behind the scenes, easily accepted and settled in background.

  1. He’s convinced by her love and keeping him satisfied that she’s faithful. She’s convinced that he loves her by his apparent satisfaction living together pleasantly. His cherishing her doubles her conviction.
  2. Sexual relations that satisfy occur when she’s happy with the intimacy he provides, and he’s convinced that she appreciates his performance.
  3. He’s convinced by his nature that he needs no improvements in lovemaking. She thinks he needs a lot. Nevertheless, they continue as before with her being disappointed for lack of aptitude or fear of offending him. (To the peacekeeper, unfair is tolerable.)
  4. Her likeability keeps him living with her. Who he is and what he contributes keeps her living with him.
  5. His steadfast connection to her depends much on her steadfast admiration of him; he presumes admiration includes her respect, dependence, and gratitude. Her steadfast connection to him depends on his satisfying her expectations of his responsibility to her and family.
  6. They agree to divide marital responsibility. He’s overall in charge of their marriage, and his domain includes his job, hobby, (clicker?), and all else that he claims as his alone. She governs her domain that includes all else. (This works far better when they arrange it openly rather than letting it develop in background.)
  7. Husband and wife agree not to intrude in the other’s domain unless invited; it keeps his influence in home and family subject to her final authority and keeps her from intruding in matters about his job—unless invited, of course. It also expands mutual trust.

To the extent that couples work out agreeable pressures that shape their thoughts and behaviors such as those above, they find less to complain about.

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2688. Wisdom from Magnolia #3


NOTE: Lady Magnolia responds to Lady Femme’s concerns about “get the man out of my system.” Guy

——

Lady Femme,

A few things come to mind:
1. Cry and surrender to the pain. Mourn your loss.Then begin to recover.
2. Keeping a journal helps. Try not to ruminate, though. Write about positive thoughts and hope for the future.
3. When you are ready, start dating other men. This point alone could be all you need as you naturally become interested in someone else.
4. Meditate.
5. The mind is powerful– let go. Allow yourself to let go of him. HE IS JUST ONE MAN IN A SEA OF MILLIONS.

Many women give themselves completely when they date. The best thing to do is to manage our emotions, take it easy and evaluate everything. I’m telling you, dating several men is so good for that (it allows you to be more level-headed as you evaluate each candidate and not to give of yourself 100% to any one man– a risky thing to do at the beginning) but so many women refuse to do it out of loyalty to men who often do not reciprocate. The disaster that ensues is to be expected, really.

See how much a man invests in you and for how long before you invest yourself. As a general rule, don’t invest much at all before the six month mark (that’s how long it takes for a relationship to become established). Be cautious.
Six months-looking good.
:-):-)Eight months-getting better. :-):-):-) One year-great! Has he consistently shown interest, devotion, etc.?

Keep in mind, this is a rule of thumb. Use common sense and your feminine intuition to protect your heart.

Finally, I want to say that I know exactly what you’re going through and I know that it’s not easy. It was hard breaking up with my ex. I cried. But I just made up my mind that I would find love after him. Someone better suited for me. And guess what? I did! You will, too!

Many blessings!

Magnolia

P.S. Remember, it is super important that you see yourself as powerful, confident and in control of your destiny. Believe it and you’ll become it! The best part? People will notice, too, and they will treat you accordingly. Try it!

 

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2686. Tradeoffs in Marriage


Not enough attention is paid to marital benefits that arise from tradeoffs that tend to settle into habits. By paying too much attention to equalizing matters or his not returning her love, wives tend to get caught up in pop culture mistakes that divide rather than unify. Examples: a) Men are to blame for problems that women carry into marriage. b) Husbands do nothing to help or better manage disruptions that wives identify. c) Husbands should carry an equal load in housekeeping and childcare functions. d) Home and family are heavier responsibilities than women should have to endure.

The following tradeoffs tend to settle marital issues before they arise. More credit is due as each ounce of prevention works better than a pound of cure.

  1. Her being cherished makes up for his being boss.
  2. She expects him to listen to her endless chatter, he expects her to accept his capricious interest in quickie sex.
  3. Husbands need opportunity to just think, wives need opportunity to just talk.
  4. If she expects romance, he accepts it as foreplay.
  5. He sees sex as intercourse measured in orgasms, she sees sex as foreplay, intercourse, and afterplay measured in intimacy.
  6. His being admired makes up for her harping about little things.
  7. She expects intimacy in sex to satisfy her. He expects to prove his prowess and satisfy himself.

Unless one side tries to find imbalance or inequality in them, such tradeoffs tend to stabilize and unify rather than separate.

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