Category Archives: Dear daughter

2652. — Strategy for Courtship — 05: Where Women Go Wrong—I


Women should treat courtship as a process, theirs. Not men, but relationship experts are the natural processors, the shapers, the bosses who seek courtship success.

Both sides have a mission. Men pursue conquest until their mission changes as the result of experience with her. Either she yields to conquest, he determines that she is more valuable to him than sex with her, or his interest wanes and he drops her. Her mission should be aimed at the option most favorable to her; namely, convince him that she is more valuable than sex. But many women choose wrongly.

A woman starts dating or enters courtship because she’s looking for love, mutual love, endless love, love eternal. Or, she envisions some other version from lessons learned or dreamily perfected in girlhood.

In that way, women routinely choose the wrong mission. They expect to win a man as boyfriend or husband, and do it with her female ability to love him. Because they don’t understand the male nature, they choose wrongly by ignoring common sense.

She gives away her love for too little done by him, and the effect is to minimize both his devotion and her being cherished. OTOH, as he proactively earns her attentions and affections by pleasing her and by letting her have her way, it leads toward his devotion and opens the door to her being cherished. Men want more of something valuable they have to work for, and continually pleasing her increases her value.

To please a woman, a man can open a car door, hold a door open and allow her to enter first, hold her coat for her to put it on, seat her at table, run errands, repair her car, let her have her way, and provide other politenesses. Gallantry and politeness please a female’s need for attention and confirm her importance. OTOH, a man’s actions to do those things, invests his effort on her behalf and slowly percolates in his mind that she’s appreciated and thereby important to him.

Pleasing her enough can be a drawn out process, but it programs his heart to favor her. If he repeats pleasing one woman until habitual, it programs his heart that her presence in his life is satisfying and worthy of greater effort. Thus, pleasing her habitually leads to his becoming devoted to her.

A man doesn’t start dating or courting because he loves or anticipates loving a woman. He starts because he finds her likeable as person, female, sex target, potential wife or friend, and other roles she fills in life. She seldom knows his intentions, however, except after hours, weeks, or months have passed in the company of each other.

Her love of a man can develop fast, freely, and by her self-insistence that it is as she imagines. Not through logic or well reasoned thought, her love arises from emotional connections she senses. It confirms she’s doing the right thing for her right now, or that it matches what she envisioned in girlhood that her love would be like.

Men are quite opposite. Manly love develops in bits and pieces over extended time. He analyzes his actions and one or two emotional connections that seem to satisfy a woman, but do they satisfy him? Trying to be objective with reason and logic, he determines how satisfied he is with himself for sacrificing his interest on her behalf.

Development of a man’s love is also a process, but he’s the processor of three stages. The first two develop sequentially in courtship: devotion and bonded love. His marriage proposal comes after he enters the third stage, true love.

Bringing her love into the open can be the wrong thing in both dating and courtship. It’s much better to let it marinate in background with only his partial and unconfirmed belief that it really exists. Let his imagination soar about her love of him. What he figures out is much more impressive that what he is told. That’s right; she wants to hear three little words but doesn’t fish by saying I love you. She makes her love less obvious and more his target, the ultimate he has to earn if he’s to become worthy of her.

If he fishes to hear I love you, he’s more focused on conquest than on her.

If she’s already worthy of him, where’s his challenge? The more sure he is of her, the less he favors expanding their togetherness. OTOH, mystery triggers his curiosity and opens his imagination to be more certain about his logic, reason, and figuring who and what she is to him. It pressures him to focus on learning more about her qualities that he admires; that is, her virtues that compound into a virtuous woman that men seek to marry. Consequently, the more she triggers his curiosity and imagination, the more time he spends getting to understand her.

It all works best to her advantage, when she as courtship processor gets her way in their life together.

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2651. Strategy for Courtship — 04: Expectations 1-10


Women love to share their love of someone. Many intuitively find it difficult not to do so. OTOH, men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. Without his having earned whatever she gives—e.g., love or other signs of her appreciation of him—it will at least be under appreciated and may be meaningless to him. If he doesn’t have to earn her, he doesn’t invest himself and match his interests up with hers. It’s the definition of he’s not worthy of her.

By her providing unearned gifts, she discourages his investing of himself in their mutual concerns. Consequently, he may stay awhile, but he sees no reason to stick around. By giving away her appreciation, love, or sex in fear that she will lose him, she plants the seeds and soon harvests the crop of his dumping or later abandoning her.

  1. Men in courtship are much the same as in marriage; they expect to satisfy themselves with themselves and their life. He dates and courts an attractive and likeable woman who satisfies and adds to his satisfaction with life today. Any promise he foresees living together with her adds to the potential of satisfying him today and not in the future that she so eagerly envisions. IOW, he’s mostly concerned with his present more than his future life.
  2. In spite of her belief that she’s in charge with her love and personal likeability, success does not begin until he becomes devoted to her. His devotion arises out of his investment of time and effort to please her, because she’s so likeable to be around as woman or sex target.
  3. His conversion from liking her to devotion to her triggers his conversion from her as sex target to her as more important than sex with her.
  4. It’s how they interact cooperatively that makes courtship move onward. However, a man is too independent and competitive to value cooperation and mutual interaction as the main keys to success as a couple. So, if progress is in the air, she probably put it there.
  5. A man can’t love well, if he’s not respected and admired. Success follows the gal who respects and admires a man as the main pathway to earning his love. Showing her devotion is not the same thing. Always trying to please him shows up in his eyes as she needs him, which is not the compliment she intends. He loses respect because she acts desperate, too fearful of losing him.
  6. Women can and like to show their love suddenly and easily, but men can’t, don’t, or won’t. Her best tactic is to make him earn her love, and not give it so freely that he figures he already has her under his dominance.
  7. Until his love fully develops much later, the early match up with her love of him is his respect she has earned and his admiration of qualities that appear as her virtues. Combined with holding his interest high, his respect and admiration confirm or help develop his devotion to her.
  8. It begins in dating and continues in courtship. He earns her and not the reverse. When a man sees that a woman has totally invested herself in him, he has it made so to speak, and he can quit or ease off trying. The challenge is reduced or gone. Fewer manly actions mean less devotion, and it has to do less with her than with his nature to be efficient and not waste effort.
  9. Mutual likeability, mutual respect, and mutual loyalty convince a man to neutralize his inborn nature to conquer others. She either wins his loyalty to her exclusively, or his conquering nature remains tied to finding sex elsewhere.
  10. Men respect those who earn their respect. Until they conquer each female, they highly value her sexual assets more than her. So, the more protective of her assets and delay of his conquest, the more easily and the more of a man’s respect she earns.

A man’s devotion to a woman is the hallmark of impending success in courtship. More to follow.

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2647. Strategy for Courtship — 02: Beliefs


I know most of you gals look for WAYS and WHAT to do to improve your relationship record; e.g., rules. I think the WHY and HOW you do something is more essential for success; e.g., mindset. So, I now focus on tying some things together before we get to the details.

Why aren’t modern gals more successful with men? When specialists can’t succeed in their own specialty, i.e., relationships, their attitude reflects a mindset that more responsibility can improve. Modern-day relationship specialists ignore their natural talent, ability, and attraction and believe things that hurt their cause.

Change one’s attitude and they change their life. But nobody wants to change their attitude. It’s too personal; it reflects who they are. Furthermore, one can’t just up and directly change what’s in their heart. It has to be replaced by another attitude that arises out of a different belief. Replace one belief with another and one’s attitude changes.

So, I shall not encourage you to change and make your life better. Instead, I’ll describe what’s inside you, several beliefs different from those you carry around hunting a good man. You can decide if and how you want to believe any of the following.

Undeveloped and mistaken beliefs hold women back as they try to embolden men to pursue them in courtship. Poor attitudes flow out of women who stick to pop culture values, standards, and expectations. The following are roots of female common sense for dealing with men.

  1. Being the relationship expert, each woman is responsible to prompt whatever manly behavior supports and energizes one man’s pursuit of her. IOW, she does whatever prompts him to earn her and not the other way around. She leads indirectly as if in background mode, gives up little for nothing, appreciates his investment of himself in her, but doesn’t reveal that she’s similarly invested. Without accepting full responsibility for relationship success and failure, she doesn’t learn from relationship turmoil or failure. It’s too easy to blame the guy, especially the one who dumps her, and it closes her mind to self-improvement.
  2. Women are born to be good and motivated to do good. They confirm goodness by doing good, and it makes them more appealing and worthy in the eyes of selves and others. Especially men, who are born with the ability to do good but not motivated to be good. Any drive to be good interferes with their competitive drive to get what they want. It takes a good woman to influence a man to exploit his ability to do good, usually to please her, and thus he too becomes good. Women don’t talk about it, but it underwrites the hopes and wishes they have of improving their husband over the years. His doing good makes her even better. Seldom does a woman seek to make her husband worse than he already is in her eyes. It all, however, begins in courtship; if she isn’t good and tries to do good, her credibility does not convince him to follow her example.
  3. The natural and excited urge of females to share their love motivates a gal to spread her words of love and affection. It’s a mistake in courtship. Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. Consequently, her freely given love earns her little or nothing in return. In dating and courtship, she should make pursuers earn her loving words. Far better for her to make guys earn every little favor she shows them. Everything is to be earned, if she is to be won; e.g., third date before first kiss; avoid passionate moments until she decides; his devotion appears before she offers those three little words. Her affectionate actions convince more effectively that he’s truly loved; much better than her words of love. It works because guys believe what they figure out more than what they are told. It also self-encourages them to try harder to impress or please her, and their actions program their heart to favor her more over time, and out of which arises his devotion. Men don’t just walk away from their lengthy investments, so time encourages his greater investment, tendency to bond, and devotion development.More common sense about virtue, femininity, respect, and political opposition follow next.

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2645. Strategy for Courtship — 01: Introduction


Dating and courtship can be defined and described many ways. The battle of the sexes revolves around both sexes being born to get their way with the other. I write about the version that empowers and enables girls and women to get their way and make guys appreciate the feminine way.

This is the major battle. Whoever gets their way—the guy to achieve conquest without future obligation, or the gal to achieve marriage without yielding—wins. When the guy wins, the gal may or may not win depending on his decision before conquest. She can end up as keeper, booty, or disposable.

I write about courtship without sharing sex. If you find no interest in dating and courting that way, you may still uncover in what follows some insight into why gals should not relinquish courtship governance to guys. Example: Feminine qualities are admired by men as virtues. Her greatest virtue is possession without use of sexual assets. The more and better she withholds them, the more and better a man respects and admires her. A man’s love is founded on respect of a woman, and so keeping her legs crossed earns a guy’s respect, admiration, and whatever love he develops associating with her. With legs crossed, women can get their way. With legs apart, guys don’t bond as women expect, and gals lose their courtship supremacy.

Men are motivated two ways. When they can’t conquer a gal, they can get serious and even dedicate themselves to chasing her until she yields. The longer he pursues her, the more he invests himself with actions that program his heart in her favor, and men don’t easily walk away from lengthy investments.

When gals yield the first time, that guy is free to chase others. It’s not her or her fault, it’s his nature to conquer every attractive female that will have him.

A woman is best served by this courtship strategy: He chases and wins her without access to her sexual assets until they marry. It may not always play out that way, given the pressures of passion and pleasures of sex. The longer it plays out that way, however, the greater his investment of himself in her interests. By far, it’s the superior strategy by which the superior gender can handle the dominant gender and promote the female’s  self-interest.

Why is that? Because a man changes dramatically as the result of conquest. It’s not her fault but his two sex-drive nature. All she did was yield out of love, wish to satisfy him, and hope he would bond. He doesn’t bond, he admires and satisfies himself with accomplishment, and her risk skyrockets of doing without him.

Hardwired this way from birth, conquest releases him from chasing her, and he becomes free to chase another. He may dispose of her as inadequate for him. Or, he might choose to stay with her, if she has earned enough of his respect and interest for proceeding together as either booty or for long-range mating.

While not a popular strategy today, the one I propose above flooded the social marketplace back in the day when most men sought to marry and settle down with a good woman. We can’t turn back the clock, but the foundation of men seeking to marry a good woman is founded on the respect a woman earns by possessing a great virtue and withholding it until a man invests himself sufficiently to step up and meet her expectations.

If a woman can’t learn to get her way in courtship, she’s short of what it takes to get her way in marriage, where men want little to do with managing the domestic side of living together.

While not nearly as impressive as crossed legs for shaping manly attitudes, women are blessed with characteristics that generate attractive and feminine attitudes for men. It’s next.

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2643. Good Women Lose Their Way Getting Their Way — 07


I expect this to be the last article in this series. Making courtship simple should follow.

NOTE: Throughout the series I purposely ignore the modern female attitude that men are no good or to blame and are, therefore, undeserving of a woman satisfying a man. If you have that feminist ‘disease’, you may just as well quit reading now. A major obstruction to marital success is that politically-planted, now-almost-universal belief that men are the problem. Either that belief dissolves in your mind, or marriage with you will dissolve in his heart. You can’t satisfy a man while you have him dangling on the blame hook. So for what is he to blame? What’s more important? Keeping him, proving yourself right,  expressing your opinion, or just letting him know how you feel?

——

In Navy boot camp, we recruits learned: There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Navy way. After 66 years I pass it to wives like this: There is the right way, the wrong way, and the proper way in marriage. Proper, meaning that wife defines it and imposes it to the extent she finds it possible for herself, practicable in their life together, and satisfying to husband. Caution: Her insistence applied to his face threatens his satisfaction; she’s smoother than that.

Men ‘hire’ a wife to handle domestic matters of living together. Without standards that don’t vary according to her emotions of the moment, then her expectations will rarely be met especially after children start arriving.

The proper way has its own wifely motto from which dangles the key to marital success introduced at 2636. A strategy follows; each woman has to develop her own tactics that breed success for her and her man.

MOTTO. Love is great, but keeping husband satisfied is both easier and works better to get my way. I can’t insist, I have to be smooth. Work smarter, not harder—after all, it is a job, my job when I marry.

KEY. Retire your courtship thinking about how more or greater love cures relationship ills. Forget your intentions to directly love your husband into marital bliss; men are not good at romance and smother love especially is wrong-think. Love him more indirectly and it’s easier for you too, unless you can’t accept responsibility for the wife’s governance role.

Convey your love by showing and building a good life that wedges him into your design and plan to fulfill your dream of life together. You do it by keeping him satisfied with both you and living with you. In the meantime, you get your way on your own, or else you earn it in the domestic matters that make up your domain. His signs of satisfaction dispense freedom for you to proceed.

I exaggerate these points just for effect: Focus more on loving what you do than loving him directly with physical affection. Monitor his feedback for satisfaction, which keeps you alerted on how better to get your way on pending matters. In the first few years he may never be satisfied, but it’s no reason to give up. Getting your way on A may be much harder when he’s dissatisfied with B, so satisfy first his concerns about B and then address A. Your likeability at a given instant, and his willingness to yield to you, can depend on his satisfaction at that moment and may depend on something other than you, such as his job. Focus on how you love to brighten your future together, set standards for domestic life, eliminate relationship hazards, harmonize family relations, and glue your relationship with feminine leadership that isolates him in the center as virtual king—crowned by his satisfaction with himself for having chosen you. Don’t treat or make him sound like a king; let him conclude it from your actions more than words. Learn to love doing all those things more than showing your affection and direct love of him in daily actions. Lastly, hurts not intended as such can be overlooked when one has faith in the offender; the right of kings empowers them to speak before thinking, so not all negatives should be taken personally. (This paragraph is exaggerated purposely; it’s the right play book but written in overly pessimistic and optimistic terms.)

Neither life nor love works with boys and men as girls and women like to think. Instead, you should work on the home, your relationship, and life’s happenings in such ways that you keep husband satisfied rather than just loved; it enables you to more effectively handle the masculine nature. IOW, put yourself in charge of everything but his job, his ‘territorial’ and other interests, and whatever he seeks to be responsible for—that is, his domain. Use love more as tool than glue. Focus your love on finding and being grateful for what you do to make home and marriage work. Please yourself for what you do more than who you are, more on what he deserves as your hubby than please yourself for what you deserve.

Why is love never enough? It’s not the motivator of men that women hope, expect, and rely on. Men like to be loved, but they can do without it. Many do and not always outside a marriage.

Women argue that men screw up good marriages. Doing so confuses or distracts women, and they don’t learn the essentials for marital success.

They blame men so that women can escape feeling responsible; they don’t have to answer and be called wrong. Yet, God designed them to have all the skill, talent, and natural motivation to be fully responsible. He gave men none of the same. Example: Women are born to find, capture, and keep a man to help fulfill their dreams as a couple; her ability to do it is tremendous and endless. Men are born with the ability to mate with a woman on his terms, but his relationship ability is nil. IOW, he falls victim to her expertise, because each female mate knows in her heart how to fit and keep their relationship adequate enough to satisfy her man.

Summarized, wife breeds marital success with this strategy. First, she accepts responsibility for all matters for which he does not claim responsibility—namely, his domain. Second, she strives to get her way in the building, shaping, and sustaining of their relationship, living together, and domestic matters in all but his domain, namely her domain. Third, while doing so, she keeps him satisfied with who he is and what he means to himself. By getting her way cooperatively rather than competitively, she aims at winning his satisfaction three ways. 1) Satisfied with her and who she is, aka her likeability and fidelity. 2) Satisfied with what she does to govern their togetherness and promote two lives into one. 3) Satisfied with himself for choosing to depart single life in favor of living with her; it confirms his conviction that he was right all along and intensifies his marital connection.

Satisfaction with himself counts the most for her in the long run and extends his staying power. Consequently, he may be temporarily or moderately unsatisfied with her or their living arrangements, but he may still be satisfied with himself for other reasons and, therefore, he finds insufficient reason to leave and sticks with her to see how things develop.

The foregoing describes a strategy designed around two inborn motivational imperatives. Both sexes always want to get their way, which guarantees that competition emerges. Women are empowered from birth with the patience, expertise, and self-interest to forego competition, choose cooperation to get their way, and thus enable themselves to conquer men for marriage before men conquer women for sex. Instinctively and intuitively women know it serves them best.

There is more to marital success than the strategy cited above. Individual women have to develop their own ‘it’s my way’ set of tactics to generate marital success. They are born quite capable of doing that and only have to follow their heart instead of guidance from others.

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2642. Good Women Lose Their Way Getting Their Way — 06


If a woman doesn’t know how to get her way with a man, or chooses not to pay the price necessary to do so, she is under-prepared for marriage and perhaps courtship. If she doesn’t know how to click what makes a man tick, then out of isolation and frustration she chooses an alternative path, such as eat to excess, shack up, lesbianism, or crying for special consideration or compassion as a victim.

Women—married and single—still don’t understand men, and they get worse faster than panties are dropped. Incompatibility has become the norm, and separation has become popular even among older married folks. A huge vacuum exists that is being filled with pop culture values, expectations, explanations, and complaints that begrudge, blame, or seek to punish men for marital problems.

Harking back, when women abandoned their moral compass, they lost their ability to steer and govern a relationship into marital success. But it need not be that way. The male nature and how to exploit it to the advantage of women and children is available in the articles in this blog.

This current series describes and defends a natural strategy to earn marital success; that is, good enough to avoid separations. Single women and many wives need to start over in their thought processes. Not men but lack of knowledge and belief in feminist propaganda are the enemy. The new strategy includes what makes marriage work enough to keep a couple together. Accomplish that, and the world thrives with many opportunities for a governing wife to fine-tune her marriage such that she at least improves on what she has.

God intended the wife—concluded from the way the sexes are born so differently—to govern her marriage. Men lack the relationship expertise but possess the ability to contribute from outside both the relationship and the home. From which, however, they have the natural expectation to be compensated for husbanding and fathering.

After all, men differ. They need neither love nor marriage. They can enjoy the former but the latter comes only on their terms. A woman has to pay to keep a man involved in her life. Pay with what, you ask? What he values most highly, which is satisfaction with who he is, what he does, and who he does it with. If he’s not a satisfied man, he’s not a satisfied hubby and she’s not a satisfying wife. If she’s not satisfying him, he’s not showing the attention, affectionate words, and stroking that she needs to confirm her importance. Incidentally, sexual satisfaction is relatively minor compared to daily interaction and personal likeability.

Joined together as a couple, someone has to take charge of gazillions of little things, irritations, and task completions that pile up over days, weeks, months, and years. On the domestic front, women are made particularly able to fill that role. If the wife does not learn to govern the domestic scene successfully, handle at least the first gazillion little things, and thereby quiet husband’s dissatisfactions as they arise, then they soon scramble, flounder, and separate as a couple.

Men lack it, but women have the ability in their nature and heart that is necessary to make marriage succeed. If they: fail to eagerly accept and love the challenge of making compatibility work, blame someone else for problems, don’t understand the male nature, or don’t face and accept responsibility for marital success, then they are likely doomed to find separation staring them in the face.

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2641. Good Women Lose Their Way Getting Their Way — 05


Anticipating later shifting to the strategy for courtship success, I continue elaborating on the strategy for marital success.

Both sexes are born to get their way. It’s the mother of human competition. Both learn early in life it’s not possible all the time, but everyone keeps trying. Neither sex loses that natural urge, however, when they can gain advantage.

Women are especially strong at shifting to cooperation to get their way, whereas men are not so inclined and especially with women. Women succeed by cooperating and thus calming or neutralizing the masculine urge to compete. It’s a natural ability and her willingness to use it is a basis of her charm.

Women compete assiduously before marriage to protect their chastity. Men compete constantly to overcome their resistance. Wives cooperate assiduously to keep their man. Men back off competing to support their wife’s sense of cooperation, especially when it uplifts their husbandly status. She shines up his admirable masculine image, and he bows to another maternal judgment aimed at keeping him for her children.

Her love is never enough. What love is to women, satisfaction is to men. Women are motivated to love others and by doing so they satisfy themselves; they are gratified by sharing it and so the urge never ends. They love others to please themselves; it’s the way they are designed by God, endowed by Nature, and energized by hormones.

Female love holds family members together; it’s the major glue of family maintenance. Men lack the self-love that women possess. Manly love focuses on hitting targeted achievements, overcoming difficult tasks, defeating tough opponents, and shaping human events. A man loves more what he does than who he is, quite the opposite of women.

Where women share their love, men tend to keep it to themselves. His love having been converted from what he is to who she is, it doesn’t shine near as brightly as hers. Uneasy on the issue of love by their nature, men are unable to compete with women in the sharing of love. So, they don’t try hard. They take a more virtuous path in the masculine mind where love is centered on what a man does, his responsibility, his duty.

Single men are service units waiting to be called by a resourceful woman. They are endowed with both ability and mindset to provide and protect those who need it. IOW, bachelors are ‘on call’ for those who solicit their service and reward their effort with a satisfying marriage. From accomplishments on behalf of those for whom he provides and protects, he can love all that he does and all for whom he does it. Investment of himself generates love for those he provides and protects; his heart follows his actions.

Whereas her love aims to keep others satisfied with themselves and their associations, his love surrounds his responsibility and his self-defined effectiveness fulfilling the connected duties. His love weakens with her doubts about his effectiveness. Questioning his performance means he’s under appreciated, under respected, and not depended upon. He begins to wonder about departure.

Only women have the ability to inspire men to marry and care for a family. Lacking that situation in which to produce, prove, and satisfy themselves, men turn to other interests, such as dodging marriage and chasing women exclusively for sex.

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