Category Archives: Dear daughter

2452. Why Isn’t Sex Enough? II — Her Side-b

To explain the huge impact of apparently minor events, hyperbole is used below. It’s purposely made to sound as if they can’t get along. To keep her man, a woman has to eliminate the negative influences and hope for the best out of what she can keep together. I present the gloomy side.

A man can find sex almost anywhere. So, availability doesn’t keep him. Neither does frequency and convenience, although those are prime movers. In fact, sex isn’t enough to keep him with her because he expects so much more out of anyone to whom he sacrifices his independence. He saw promise in her, they married, and his expectations live on. Of course, hers do too.

In order to keep her man, a woman inherits the challenges of meeting his expectations so that it makes his present life so much the better for having her. Paramount are respect for who he is, gratefulness for what he does, and dependence on him, which he measures by her morale and attitude. Her expectations are mostly that he will cooperate with her plans and ideas for harmonizing their home such that it brightens their future.

If she doesn’t produce the harmonized relationship he envisioned, he choose poorly because she changed. They had a harmonious relationship before. I know of three women who changed dramatically from the gals their men married, and divorce ensued. Over a couple decades husbands morph into Mr. Right when wives play their cards correctly, but men don’t change nor tolerate their wife changing early in marriage. If husband doesn’t cooperate early on, it’s a good sign that he won’t morph later.

Marital bliss arises out of their meeting each other’s expectations, a major part of which is predictability about the other. When they can accommodate each other’s expectations, it enables wife to harmonize their efforts and brighten their future. Unfortunately, they may never get there due to whimsical, bad-tempered, selfish, or unreasonable reactions by one or both.

He expects to see evidence by her actions that signify and symbolize her respect, gratitude, and dependence and her words that match. Example: She fails if she yells at him for bringing home white bread when she asked for wheat. The yelling is a minor deviation, yes, but it irritates and a few irritations compound negative reactions that quickly sour harmony.

Relationships are held together more by the absence of put downs, irritants, and blame than by the expected glue of respect, love, romance, togetherness, passion, sex, friendship, and companionship. Yes, negatives dissolve glue more easily than the glue enables one to overlook, excuse, forgive, and forget the negatives; the last term is defined as anything that disrespects, stimulates emotional eruptions, or turns one mate off to the other.

When wife complains directly and out loud to husband, he may be guilty. But she blames and he refuses to accept guilt from her. Seeking to avoid her anger, he contradicts to save face or seeks to escape mentally or physically. Her direct complaints are not easily accepted the way wife would like.

She has skills and talents for indirectly registering her dissatisfactions, and it works better in the long run by avoiding negative encounters. That’s another of his expectations; she knows how to handle complaints such that they don’t bother him. She can do it, so let her handle it. If she can’t handle it, it’s a matter for him but it had better be important.

When he’s overly demanding or emotionally upset, she feels put down for little reason. She has the necessary expertise to handle it, and husband expects just that. He’s direct and expects her indirectness to resolve whatever needs resolution. Her indirectness respects and compliments his leadership. Lack of pressure from her enables him to accept self-imposed guilt, which can easily prompt him to agree with her without acknowledging it.

Of course it’s unfair and hyperbolic but worthy of mention here. He expects her to almost never be demanding or emotionally upset. She’s too good a person, solid a wife, and expert at managing things satisfactorily. He saw those things in her or she would not have been such a good potential mate. As a problem solver, his nature pushed him to look for avoidance rather than later come up with a cure.

It’s another unfair situation. As the expert, it’s the wife’s job to manage emotional disturbances back into peaceful accommodation without permanent damage to their relationship. Men are incapable of such management; they can explode and cause the need, but only she can provide satisfactory resolution.

Enough for now about the negatives. It’s not sex that keeps a man. It’s the absence of negatives like those above. (I’ve heard this from many divorced men: “I got tired of putting up with her s***!”)

Let’s look at how relationship glue is strengthened—next.

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, Home CEO, marriage

2451. Why Isn’t Sex Enough? II — Her Side-a

This series hopes to show why sex won’t enable a woman to keep a man. They are designed to be compatible, but they have to arrange it. First, he expects much more than sex in exchange for his freedom. For instance, his primal need is for a place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare to fight his dragons next day. Her primal want is for someone close by to depend upon when needed. Second, she has multiple abilities and attractions that a man can respect and love, provided that she acts like a woman who deserves a special man to respect and love her.

It begs the question: Just what is that? Answer: How she conducts herself and their relationship to meet the expectations of both mates and promote and enhance their emotional glue such as mutual love rather than emotional negatives such as blame.

Of course exceptions exist and sometimes end with lifetime marriage, but most men don’t marry a gal who chips in with cheap and easy sex. If she gives in easily, his conquest is no significant accomplishment, there is little self-admiration from it, and he has effectively been given an unearned gift. None of which impresses a man favorably for anything more than perhaps more sex.

In fact, the more he has to work to earn her, the more he invests of self, and the more valuable she becomes in his eyes. His efforts add to her likeability, desirability, fascination, promise, and perception of her loyalty. One can’t invest self into something without highly appreciating the return on his investment.

Her Challenges

Woman meets man. They engage in the process that leads to marriage. He starts out with dreams to conquer her. She starts out with girlhood hopes and dreams lingering in her heart. It’s up to her to melt the two dreams into one, which requires two things that go against the man’s interest: her resistance and time required to capture him with her qualities other than sex. (I presume she seeks a lifetime marriage, and chaste early stages are not critical but it helps immensely to allow time for his devotion to develop.)

Her role: She is in charge throughout the process from first encounter all the way to the altar, but she operates patiently, indirectly, and tactfully. She puts him in charge of initiating what they do. In background she focuses and shapes her thinking to find respect for who he is, gratitude for what he does, and dependence on him to please her instead of her pleasing him. And she should do it all while remaining faithful to her heart and expectations for a good life ahead, which enables her to avoid becoming totally dominated.

There is so much more to her premarital and marital behavior that lead to either partnering successfully or separating. It continues tomorrow.

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, Her glory, How she wins, marriage

2448. Male Dominance and Who Handles It: Part IV

Female self-development  is continuous for life. Girls and women have a primal need for a brighter future, and so they focus on shaping tomorrow to match their wishes, intentions, and ambitions. They develop in response to that primal urge.

The present day happens much like they planned it yesterday. Both physically and mentally, they work at it 24/7. Their future isn’t bright enough, if they can do anything else today to improve or achieve more tomorrow. By tirelessly trying to be ahead in their game of life, they develop as smarter and more able to coach others.

Each woman is driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. She also wants help to handle weaknesses, disruptions, catastrophes, and loneliness. A man’s physical strength, mental determination, and drive to achieve best fit her hopes and needs. His natural dominance helps enable him in his helpful role, and so she in effect takes advantage of something she can resent later if she wants to.

Whereas men fear insignificance, a woman fears abandonment by those she endears, especially father and mate. Challenges to her mate’s dominant nature can lead to separation, which in her mind amounts to being left adrift, abandoned. And so, her greatest fear promotes respect of his dominant nature, which encourages her to find ways to use it. It’s natural to her development.

Each female is born pretty and knows it in her heart of hearts. However, prettiness is a belief easily denied and even lost if as a child she’s mistreated or convinced by others or even herself that she’s other than pretty. Nevertheless, she dreams of and longs for the guy who will call her beautiful. When a man’s thoughts run along that line, she accepts his dominance as just part of the deal of thinking her beautiful.

Women seek self-importance, which they earn by making themselves valuable to others. It’s an amazing paradox too. It doesn’t work to impress directly that she is important. Her self-importance improves by uplifting someone else with her gratitude for them, which adds to their worthiness, which returns to her indirectly as she’s important to them.

Recognizing her man’s dominance, such as by directly showing respect for who he is, helps settle their indirect negotiation of how much of his dominance is acceptable to her, which induces him to back off trying to prove it unnecessarily. IOW, acknowledging his dominant role adds to her importance, which advances her development for dealing with men or man.

More paradoxical for raising kids because each is also a self-developer, she indirectly adds to their importance by being grateful for who and what they are to her. Their gratitude then returns to her in the form of her importance to them.

Consequently, her path to happiness is first finding self-gratitude in who and what she is in her life, which enables her to be grateful for others and express it so that it returns to reinforce her sense of importance, which generates her happiness. Shortened for clarity, happiness flows from her gratefulness for herself and the people around her and things that add to or signify her importance (his dominant nature, obedient children, beautiful gown, jewelry gift, or new washer/dryer).

Driven by DNA or genes to try harder and not quit, women endlessly develop themselves. They can always do better. Born to be a good person, they do good and keep on trying. It confirms their goodness, importance, and adds to development maturity.

Their best contributions come from getting men to do good, for which men have only the ability and not the ambition until women teach them otherwise. As wife coaches husband to do good, he becomes better in her eyes, which adds to her importance and fulfills her primal ambition to do good and thereby prove her goodness. It may also reduce his inclination to have to impose and prove his dominance to her when they next disagree. Thus, benefits redound to her as she coaches hubby to do good things.

A woman senses this as a beneficial tradeoff: Wife yields dominance of the present to husband in order to solicit his support for her dominance of their future together. She doesn’t always succeed, but a default motivation stirs her to never stop trying to get her way, which fits her determination to be important, which advances her development to be good, which makes her a good woman, which men expect when they marry.

Those are some of the arguments I would make to explain why patriarchy has been around for seven or so millennia and the matriarchy dreams of feminists are wishful more than achievable.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, marriage, sex differences

2447. Male Dominance and Who Handles It: Part III

The male self-development game plan looks like this. Boys are little men, and they live primarily in the present. They only need a place to flop, eat, throw their things, and prepare to fight tomorrow’s dragons. They want and continually seek the freedom to think and act as an independent individual. Everyone else can take care of himself, including girls/women as perceived by boys/men. Unless, that is, a female has something better and offers to share.

Motivated by need to admire themselves, males tackle obstructions and seek to overcome when Nature or something else stands in their way. They admire themselves in hard scrabble mental and physical romps competing with males in order to win advantage and dominate the shaping of human events, earning respect, and enhancing reputations. It’s a never ending process. They are energized by need to admire themselves, which they repeat until satisfied they have done well enough. Out of the quality and quantity of satisfactions earned, a proud sense of significance arises.

Satisfying themselves at play, work, or whatever else they feel responsible for, they achieve what needs to be done. Then they quit, go home in order to admire themselves with R&R and reap the recognition their mother or mate has in store to daily confirm their significance. They have done their part to confirm it and are ready—although they don’t need it—for mother’s or mate’s recognition and reinforcement.

A man’s greatest fear is insignificance. It’s devastating and may be the prelude to departure when claimed by mate to whom he’s devoted. It often comes with loss of job and zero prospects for employment (and mates find it almost impossible to help overcome it).

Males do little planning about the future; they figure they can handle whatever comes and so preparation is unnecessary. Compared to women, that is—next.

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Filed under Dear daughter, marriage, Prince to pauper

2444. Favored Quotes—Collection 49

“Sometimes, I think, the conclusion that we can’t be perfect tempts us to give up even trying to reach ‘darn good’. At least, this mindset has been something I have had to wrestle with to make real strides for myself.” [Miss Gina at 2430]

“Nowadays most women are taught to simply accept being fat and don’t think much of it, they aren’t told how much men are repulsed by it, but rather ‘the right guy will accept you regardless of how big you are’.” [Sarina at 2430]

“That’s why I’ve often said that Feminism, and much of the Manosphere (especially the Gamers) are really Feminists. Even though they seem superficially to be opposites, ‘changing the natural and co-operative battle of the sexes into an unnatural and competitive war’ is what both accomplish. The ideology might sound different but the results are exactly the same.” [Eric at 2385]

“Men and women tend to have different perceptions of love, which is probably why it is so beneficial to be raised by a mom and a dad.” [Insanitybytes22 at 2327]

“Whenever women have educated children, cooked meals and maintained the home, they have had leverage to argue for just treatment. Whenever women or their husbands have outsourced housework, women are treated poorly by men.” [Superslaviswife at 2362.]

“I read that you must start at the mind, move to the heart and engage with the body. Mind, body and spirit, any violations to this causes many heartaches in the end. [Emma at 1792]

“I am so grateful to have discovered your blog in a sea of platitudes, pessimism and combative dating advice.” [Meggrz at 1925] (Underscore added)

“I am becoming more and more inclined to think we can’t just ‘tell’ our children all the good stuff we want them to know-in-their-bones, such as the fact that we love them. They have to draw their own conclusions based on their own experiences. And, sadly, they don’t have and can’t process “all the information” since they are children, so they will misunderstand, misrepresent, and misremember so many things.” [Anne at 1788, underlining added]

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2442. Mother Overloaded: How to Recover

Her Highness Jodi in two comments at 1328 describes her overloaded life as wife to a busy husband and mother to eight children 15 and under. She has to do every aspect of housekeeping and living together all by herself; she seeks help but nobody answers her pleas. Her frustrations and angst appear normally in motherhood. The following may have more application than just for her.

Jodi, you’ve mastered the artistry of a great wife and housekeeper. You only have to develop the habits of a great mother, which is finding gratitude in everyone and all they do regardless of how displeased you may be with their effort.

Recovery is everything but it takes time. You have all you need but perhaps these suggestions can help with re-nesting your situation:

Contributions are more important than results, both from mom and children not yet fully developed. You know what is required for good housekeeping, but does it all have to be done so well for good nesting? Really? What can only be done by mom? How can re-nesting relieve pressure on her?

Self-development of the children is a process, and so is life. The clean house today will be less so tomorrow. Consequently, perfection, much like equality, isn’t achievable and time spent on it is wasted. Mom serves herself better when she harmonizes the efforts of everyone so that the process of family life is calm rather than disruptive by a bunch of never ending tasks left as mom’s exclusive burden.

Re tasks and responsibilities assigned by a parent, when perfection is expected self-development stops because the child’s attitude sours against parental authority. Self-development includes each child reinforcing this lesson repeatedly: ‘I know best HOW to do WHAT you expect me to do’. Practice then brings better results if not perfection.

If already common practice, the following bad habits should be stamped out: parental expectations too high for each child’s maturity, excessive supervision, and everyone having to meet mom’s standards for how THINGS ought to be. Those disruptive expectations work against mom three ways: They prevent her finding 1) her self-importance as vital to children’s self-development before her eyes. 2) Finding gratefulness for what she has, is producing, and the various characters with whom she associates in her nest. 3) Reduced ability to earn the respect of children, because mom doesn’t show respect for them as persons capable of contrary thoughts and decisions.

Alter your thinking to accommodate this model and sell it to husband. Parents have four roles: husband, wife, mother, and father. Each is responsible to do their best in each role and report to the one to the left. The purpose is to have one person responsible to fill each role. It provides the kids with what makes everyone a better follower. Only one boss better manages future relationships, and that’s what child development is all about. Benefits seem obvious until you see father reporting to mother about the kids. It will be tough to convince your husband as family head that he as father should fill a minor role and let you be responsible for children’s behavior and discipline.

Don’t let the kids see you and husband disagree over family matters. Take every husband-wife disagreement behind closed doors. Any disagreements the children see will be used to play you and husband against one another later when the kids want something. OTOH, when mother and father disagree in front of the kids, it’s okay as long as children see that husband relents and mother shows up as the ultimate boss until at least after puberty. (Confusing reigns when people have two bosses and they learn to play one against the other; you’ve seen it at work, right?)

Don’t try to raise good kids; they will disappoint you at home or later in the teens. Give them more to yearn for. Specifically, raise them to be good adults and childhood will be much calmer.

Hold your temper. The more upset the children see you become, the more instinctively they learn how to outwit, outsmart, and outmaneuver you and other adults as they grow up. They quickly learn to read you like a book according to emotional outbursts. Calmness sells you as an effective leader in your nest and good role model for adulthood.

Say nothing until you convince yourself you can live with it. Keep your word. Let kids learn that your actions always follow your words. Their respect of you will grow according to how reliable you are for meaning and holding to what you say. As their respect grows, they will more easily please mom just because she’s who she is.

It’s much better than anger, yelling, or obvious displeasure that others witness. Teach your children that a sour look or stare from you is enough for them to correct their current misbehavior. Make it so that others don’t see your correcting them. It’s a marvelous way for them to see how well they are respected, which confirms their worth as undeveloped little men and women rather than just immature kids. They are that astute about growing up and appreciate being treated adult-like.

We are all self-developers, including your husband but he’s developing himself in his business and needs harmony in the home. Leave him out of nesting as much as practicable. Deal with him as his wife and not mother or housekeeper. Expect his husbandly affection and appreciation but don’t use his help with mothering.

Encourage father to lead, teach, and play rather than discipline the kids. If they need discipline, you handle it. Encourage him to enjoy them and vice versa. Teach and train the children to have high quality character and religious and adult values before puberty, and you’ll not likely require father’s help with the law as teenagers. IOW, let the children find out on their own that they have one boss, YOU, but you’re a kind, considerate, forgiving, and loyal one. Father is your boss and let the kids know it directly. It confirms they don’t have to worry about unfamiliar and unexplainable requirements, because they don’t know what husbands and wives are supposed to be.

Improve the self-development of children by giving each some new responsibilities. Just by being a family member, they have responsibilities up to which they must face even though they will do a lousy job at first as they are self-developers who object to having to change old habits. Each, however, should lift some burden off of you, but don’t use that as an excuse.

Don’t complain to husband and don’t explain yourself to kids. If you have to because pressures build, talk privately to your mom or girlfriend outside the home. Just to unload, not to expect or solicit help. You have exclusive responsibility for good nesting, or you will not do well at it. If you get so anxious that your nerves rattle, you’re going too far and trying too hard. So, follow your heart, trust your instinct, ponder on your intuition. Think things through as if you own the universe, as if you’re a kind and loyal god in your nest, and it will likely calm your nerves. God made you so capable of being a great but not perfect family builder. If guilt over lack of perfection stirs your conscience, you’re way off track.

Nothing has to be perfect, so don’t try to force perfection on children. Let them grow into doing things better, because they learn they can win mom’s approval just for trying. With loving approbation for just trying, they will each learn to do better, and it will help them think like adults in their development.

When children produce unsatisfactory results, forgive them and both respect and live with whatever they do produce. It’s a confirming measure of your respect for them as angels rather than misfits. The next thing they do is try harder to please mom.

You’ll have to work hardest at this. Convert every child’s temporary thought of being a misfit into conviction of his angelic standing within the family and especially mom’s eyes.

Finally, use this leadership model to accomplish that above. Assign specific responsibilities to each child and without duplication as far as practicable (two may have to share keeping their room). Given their level of maturity, delegate sufficient authority to each child to do their tasks as they see the best way and produce their version of what’s at least adequate. Hold each child accountable to at least step up to doing their jobs; doing nothing is unacceptable. Trying is good enough. Bite your tongue when results are not up to your standards. Helping them develop a good work ethic is the most important training you can provide.

They may be adults before you see it, but they will someday step up to meeting your standards. If the standards they meet are high qualities of character, sense of responsibility, dependability, and maturity for their age, you will have been the perfect mom—in their eyes, and that’s where it counts the most.


Filed under Dear daughter, Her glory, How she wins, marriage

2441. Free Constitution Course for You

As follow-up to yesterday’s post, I recommend you investigate the free educational opportunities presented online by Hillsdale College. (It has never taken federal government money, so it hasn’t been bought off by the left.) You can sign up for free courses on government, liberty, and the constitution. The latter is at Several others of interest are also available at or

They come up with new courses periodically. Unfortunately, I am unable to find my way to their full array of online courses. Perhaps you young folks can find it.



Filed under Culture & Politics, Dear daughter, Sociology 101