Category Archives: Dear daughter

2188. Anorexics, Suicides, et al. — Part 3: Infant Care and Self-esteem


Mothers, before you rebel and refuse the concept, finish the series. What you do today isn’t bad; no mom intentionally heads her child toward self-destructive behavior. But it happens accidentally or out of ignorance of what makes children tick. IOW, some mom-care is unintentionally ineffective. Trying to use love to convince a child that he likes himself is the prime example addressed in this series.

Self-esteem has a precise definition here. It’s how well a person of any age likes or dislikes himself as a person but not as man or woman. When a person doesn’t like himself as a person, it undermines significantly how well he can like himself as a man or woman and can cause role confusion among other problems.

It’s a natural development phenomenon. Each child’s self-esteem is hardwired into his subconscious mind—his heart as mothers call it— during the infant-care period before his conscious mind opens in the third year of life. Let’s compare two extremes:

  1. One infant is calmly treated preciously and loved endearingly with much fondling and less-than-excitable actions that transmit respect, immense attention, affection, and appreciation. He inherits a sense of high self-esteem, perhaps even self-love aka the highest. Subconscious conviction hardwires his psyche that if others like me, I should like himself.
  2. Another infant is treated terribly, frequently left in discomfort, jerked or handled roughly, yelled at, surrounded by loud and disruptive noises of people or media, unresponsive to caregiver demands, fed carelessly or not regularly, scared often, left to cry in frustration, and treated as unwanted by those around him. He inherits a sense of low self-esteem. Subconscious conviction hardwires his psyche that if others dislike or hate me, I should feel the same. He thereby becomes permanently conditioned to dislike, loathe, or perhaps hate himself, aka the lowest self-esteem. It’s a very high hurdle that anorexics, suicides, et al. never learn to clear.

Imagine a spectrum that runs from self-love on the high end to self-hatred on the low end. Without awareness of what happened, each child inherits from infant caregivers a narrow band of self-like subliminally hardwired into his subconscious mind. It’s the range of his self-esteem. Perhaps near the top, bottom, or somewhere in the middle, a very narrow or slightly wider range is mentally positioned to subconsciously govern his self-development. Never to be available for direct examination or evaluation, it’s inaccessible and unknown except as his feelings are routinely affected by it throughout life. (It also plays a major role in the unpredictability of human behavior.)

High self-esteem prevents a child’s likeness of self to sink very low. Low self-esteem prevents liking oneself very highly. Caregivers unwittingly lock in the range each child has for liking or disliking himself as a person. Not as boy or girl, which is a function of self-image (later). With self-development freedom and the adaptability available with self-image, a child can find many successes in life, which can enable liking himself separate and overpowering of self-esteem, which enables him to produce socially beneficial outcomes rather than self-destructive behavior, which can compensate for poor or inadequate parenting.

It’s a natural process. After the conscious mind opens, the child becomes aware that he’s also a person. Soon afterward he becomes aware he’s either boy or girl, which gives birth to self-respect, which gives birth to the expectation that he deserves equal respect from others, which gives birth to temper tantrums when denied the full expression of his self-respect, which arises out of his aim toward self-development, which emerges from what he inherited at birth and to which was added self-esteem. Out of all that, his attitude reflects how he uses or relies on self-esteem and self-respect to challenge adults who interfere with his self-interest.

(You don’t like a child’s attitude? More love won’t do it very effectively. You can’t change self-esteem, so show more respect, which helps elevate his self-respect, which broadens his ability to self-develop, which generates a better self-image, which enables better self-development, which earns successes, which makes him like himself better, which compensates for low self-esteem, which compensates for poor parenting, which improves his attitude because he likes himself better.)

Toddlers first become aware they too are a person. They have self-respect, can show respect for others, and expect it from other persons. Then, they become aware they are male or female, which triggers a whole new set of ideas that form their self-image, which governs their self-development and as much of their life as they can control.

Self-esteem across society should form a bell curve. However, the incidence of kids with low self-esteem suggests a statistical curve to be skewed far out of bell-shape. I’ve seen no evidence that self-esteem is observable or measurable. What we measure in others is their self-image of how well they can identify how and why they like themselves. If questioned or surveyed, children can only respond with knowledge in their conscious mind. If questioned about treatment before their third year, they have no memory. If mothers are questioned, they have an interest in admitting only to great motherly treatment. So, real self-esteem is undetectable.

A child’s self-esteem is molded completely by those who brought him through infancy. Development of it ends when his conscious mind makes him aware that he is also a person and able to form his own opinions of how he is treated. He’s full of enthusiasm for life, and so the self-esteem he possesses governs his actions as toddler until his self-image forms of how he likes himself.

Lack of knowledge about infant care can mislead both parents into doing wrong things for the mental adaptability of a child. High self-esteem makes a child easily adaptable to the good things in life. Low self-esteem fosters socially bad things. Regardless, whether high or low, the primal urge of self-development empowers the child to ambitiously move onward and upward to his satisfaction for boys and importance for girls.

Self-development is next for tomorrow.

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2187. Anorexics, Suicides, et al. — Part 2


NOTE: Until specified otherwise, everything applies to girls too.

Subject: Can mother-love convince a child to like himself, today, tomorrow, and later in life? I respond in the negative. I undertake to prove this principle. Success fulfilling his and her ambitions determines how well children learn to like themselves as a male or female in adulthood.

We need precise definitions to disprove common opinions floating in the domestic ether and political and politically correct environments. We also need a clear picture of the process of growing up, which follows the sequence of bolded titles below.

My first bolded title—self-esteem—will fly in your face as incorrect; too different from what you believe. Child development is another common term that misleads by presuming that adults are more responsible than children for their development. Bear with me on both.

Six terms are defined at length. All six interwork in background mode as an every-moment process of life. They provide a common sense model of how children develop under their own initiative, while also under the influence and choosing to accept or ignore the guidance, demands,  expectations, and pressures of parents, teachers, and other authority figures. (Each title will later be described more fully.)

Self-esteem: How well a person likes himself as a person. Not as man or woman because it’s generated and permanently shaped before a child knows he’s a member of one rather than other gender. It is hardwired into the psyche by caregiver treatment prior to a child’s conscious mind opening in their third year.

Self-development: The process by which every person seeks to create and shape a life for himself in the world he inherits at birth. A child becomes aware he is a person too soon after his conscious mind opens in the third year of life. After his self-development begins later in that third year, the child becomes judge and jury of his treatment by those around him and his personal accomplishments and failures. All contribute to the formation and development of self-image.

Self-image: The imagined picture a person has of who and what they are as they perceive it in the world of their existence. The picture accumulates from experience and resides in the psyche to governs one’s behavior. We all tend to operate strictly within our own picture. When we deviate accidentally, we fix it if we can, alibi it away, or rationalize humiliation. If we deviate purposely, conscience kicks in and we tend to dislike or even hate ourselves for it. Kids do it in micro and morph to macro.

Self-interest: Each person’s ambitions motivate him to act out his life in ways that benefit him. WADWMUFGAO, we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves. Consequently, self-interest promotes and expands self-development, self-image, and self-worth. (But not self-esteem which will be explained later).

Self-worth: How well a person appreciates himself as a man or herself as a woman. It’s the product of success or failure produced by self-image, self-interest, and self-development working together. The result is limited by the high and low end of self-esteem hardwired into the psyche by infant caregivers.

Self-likeability: How well the child consciously likes himself as a person as the result of his subconscious sense of self-worth as man or woman. He feels great about himself and seeks to celebrate. Or doesn’t feel even good about himself, which energizes him to take corrective action.

Those are the structural members of the child development model described in this series. We pass up the fetal phase for three reasons. 1) What the fetus absorbs genetically or neurologically may cause but not be an effect of subsequent behavior. 2) New science reveals that genes do not determine our personalities as much as emotions select specific genes for specific environments. 3) The scope of this series is post-natal and about human behavior.

RECAP: Self-esteem likes self as a person. Self-development is the process of living. Self-image determines can or can’t, will or won’t, should or shouldn’t. Self-interest is ambitions that generate initiatives. Self-worth appreciates self as male or female. Self-likeability is self-worth on steroids and stimulant of new and perhaps bolder actions.

Infant care is the subject of tomorrow’s post.

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2186. Anorexics, Suicides, et al. — Part 1


We’re all concerned with this subject. What causes teen behaviors identified by the title above plus overdosers, rapists, and mass shooters?

Several new revelations tied together in this series explain how some infants are mistreated, improperly guided as toddlers, and poorly led prior to puberty. The unintentional outcome leads to family disorder, heartbreak, and often tragedy.

Before such unfortunate children turn up to surprise everyone, their behavior is unpredictable or else preventives would work. But preventives have to address main causes, which modern preventive efforts do not. Ignorance prevails but no longer.

The childhood causes are described in this series. It enables preventives to be made part of a child’s upbringing. IOW, insurance against raising kids too far outside the adolescent and adult norms.

Those malformed personalities arise out of four phases of life before adulthood: 1) As a fetus responding to mother’s disrupted emotions. 2) Infant care which is the most critical. 3) Well-intentioned but ineffective parenting. 4) Associating with like-minded people.

I close this opening post with an offense that will scorch the equilibrium of virtually every mother. Details will follow but loving a child to deliberately make him like himself is both ineffective and can be contrary to good self-development. Read that sentence again and focus narrowly on this part: make him like himself. That’s the only issue under discussion here, and the point I intend to prove with a description of how human nature works contrary to that motherly wish and well-intended practice.

Don’t stop loving him for that or any other reason, he needs all you provide. However, by depending on mother’s love too often prevents doing what is necessary to ensure that he likes himself. Moreover, the harder mother tries, the less he may like himself. None of us are convinced we deserve tremendous love when we get it, and children and especially sons realize it too. If we feel we don’t deserve it, we don’t appreciate it all that much. Consequently, it affects our belief system very little if at all.

I can imagine you ladies vigorously shaking your heads, but bear with me. By the time this series ends, you may not be persuaded or change, but you’ll be better informed of some of the unexplained behaviors you see in your own kids.

Part II tomorrow if I can finish it in time.

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2185. Dating in Mid-life — Part D9: Closing Notes and Tips


It isn’t news. Dating in mid-life is a female-designed development to capture a man for life. The older the man, the easier the capture. This series closes with a few miscellaneous tips that previously didn’t make the cut. They’re my final contribution to give women an advantage.

  1. As you know, modern social values, standards, and expectations are designed to produce sex at the earliest and without obligation even of gentlemanly politeness after conquest. Chastity doesn’t sell; your virtues sell and overpower the delay of bedtime. If you can’t make yourself unique, you’re like all the other gals who can easily capture but can’t keep a man.
  2. Unless he’s been operating in the dating market for some time, he’s as amateurish as you. You can take advantage of that with your knowledge of relationship dynamics.
  3. The more elaborate and expensive the date scene, the advantage turns to him; he expects and deserves more and you’re more obligated. The simpler and cheaper the date, the more advantage turns to you. Don’t think money and time on this issue. Think complexity of personalities merging into common thought, getting together because of mutual likeability, enjoying company together regardless of where and when. For example, try coffee at Mickey D’s several or many times before a first real date. Grow the relationship before you let the emotions emerge into sight. The sooner he spots your deeper interest, the sooner he disregards you for sex with you. Also, unless he earns your attention and learns how to keep it, he won’t appreciate you very much. And your attention is YOU eyeball to eyeball with your ears wide open and empathetic to his story. Not in a romantic setting where you’re thinking romance and he’s expecting a listener for his sales effort. Learn to delay romance for awhile.
  4. It’s a one-way street. He initiates and you put up speed bumps. If you’re so fearful of losing him that you accede to his wishes, you will lose him. Men don’t respect pushovers, people they can dominate at will, or women who don’t put up a struggle to protect their greatest asset.
  5. His success is getting his way. Your success is slowing, slowing, slowing his advances until you get your way. If you can get him to court you for a year or two without conquest, you will probably receive a proposal. Maybe sooner. It’s also a more permanent relationship that you generate.
  6. The immaturity of so many men, aka adultolescents, makes the dating scene more unpredictable than you expect. Let teen-like incidents of behavior make you see red flags. Or, if you could live with what he’s like, then a pink flag. Disrespect and demeaning of women generally should be a bright red flag, even though he may try to persuade that you’re an exception.
  7. Your being more mature, men aren’t so difficult to figure out. Most importantly, you have to know and decide what you won’t tolerate. That is, decide just who and what you are and be proud of it.
  8. Older men should be more predictable than younger men, but don’t count on it. You have to test but don’t challenge any of them in ways that question their self-respect, masculinity, capability, trustworthiness, or dependability. In short, their character. They still guard their masculine nature.
  9. Men continue to look for the proverbial ‘good woman’ to mate with. But they perceive far less valuable women. Women don’t play up their uniqueness other than for sex. Men use personal experience and popular opinion to judge women in unattractive attire or being promiscuous and find them wanting for permanent mating. They don’t qualify as ‘good’ in man-think.
  10. Rather than await a woman’s discretion about yielding sex, modern men have learned to barter aggressively. He’s tough to beat at the negotiating table. But you should draw the line. Send him packing as the player he is when he tries to use shame, guilt, or claim you’re being old fashioned. Players start from the foundation that you’re not respected and therefore disposable whether you cave or not.
  11. Momma’s boys and ‘never-marrieds’. Both are already devoted to momma and self, so the likelihood they can become devoted to you is slim but not dead. It will probably take at least a 2-year courtship to win their devotion over whatever exists in their hearts when you meet.
  12. Do his actions match his words? If not, it’s a huge red flag. Take time to observe closely about many and little things.
  13. Does he frequently hurt your feelings? Seemingly without remorse? If so, beware. Escape now.
  14. Measure each man’s love by his devotion to you and measure by his acts that please rather than impress you. For example, how easy does he display affection and appear to thoroughly enjoy himself for doing so? If showing you affection is a burden to him when not after sex, beware. How do you tell the difference? Look to your heart, assess his actions, and trust yourself that you know what you’re doing or about to do.

Closing. This series grew humongously. Expecting five or six articles, it grew to over two dozen. These are important reminders that may or may not have been mentioned, but which I want to leave with you.

  • Fear not, you can do whatever you choose. God prepared you well if you follow your heart. Look for men who follow their heart, their male nature, their masculine dominance without guilt, their regard and hopefully respect for others, and their specific respect for you.
  • If a man doesn’t like himself, he can’t reflect an affirming attitude. He can only like you as much as he likes himself (which is the subject of an upcoming, revealing, and important article).
  • A potential candidate for mating should find you. You get to judge whether he’s as good as he claims and whether that is good enough for you. He’s the seller, you’re the buyer. Don’t change it because you would or do like a hunk, dream boy, or father figure.
  • Being a trophy has a way of backfiring a decade or two down the marital road. Men tend to go into role reversal with a great age difference.
  • Teen-like behavior in men may go away over time if they respect and accept your leadership examples of mature living.
  • Submission is his term. As he views it, however, it’s unrealistic for you. Submissive is your term for overriding his concept and making your marriage manageable.
  • He walks himself to the altar, if you don’t turn him off out of ignorance, impatience, or ingratitude.
  • Mutual attraction begins with similar interests, but it’s sex differences that provide the glue of longevity. (Too much alike leads to boredom.)
  • Each man’s urge to conquer you is the elephant in the room. Virtual virginity is the big gun for shooting the elephant between the eyes and enabling him to fall into the friendly bush of domestic life.

Ladies, I hope your dating days are smoothly exciting and profitable for your wishful inputs. Good luck and may God both endorse and reward your sincere efforts. I hope this series earns a little credit for helping.

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2184. Dating in Mid-life — Part D8: Devotion Toxins


You’ve read it here before. A man’s devotion can be seen by his pleasing himself to please his woman. She may receive little, but if he admires himself it’s a sign of devotion to her. But detecting additions to his sense of self-admiration is not easy. Much easier is to ID those traits and actions that are pleasing to him exclusively or disturbing to you. They are foreign or even toxic to devotion to you. So, I cite red flags that women should detect easily if they pay enough attention to each man’s actions and attitude.

Keep this in mind. It happens once in awhile that a man falls in love at first sight. If true love, devotion follows right away and almost automatically. He knows what he wants and intends to get it, HER. (Women, however, don’t love a man at first sight; they just imagine it out of too much infatuation, anxiety, desperation, or hope.)

I think more benefit may come from citing things often overlooked by gals enthralled in romantic love. They are most vulnerable to miss red flags, such as the following.

  1. He resists or resents just about anything that pleases her. He pleases her only when he wants something. (Which reflects deep self-centeredness and probably selfishness.)
  2. He lacks thoughtfulness, respect, punctuality, reliability, politeness, deference either to her, others, or everyone.
  3. He may not be awkward or uncomfortable in his early attempts to charm her. (Awkwardness discloses uneasiness or fear of doing something wrong, and so it’s a good sign at the outset of dating.)
  4. He lacks appreciation of her humor, presence, patience, housekeeping, job and family obligations, or attractiveness above and beyond the sexual.
  5. He presents her with no evidence that he admires any features, traits, habits, or qualities about her. Lack of admiration means he sees no virtues and she won’t in his eyes be virtuous, which translates to not marriage potential.
  6. He doesn’t please her in order to please himself. (This is tricky. He’s more invested in her when he pleases her to please himself. If he doesn’t feel good about himself pleasing her, he won’t please her very long and may just be after sex.)
  7. He lacks interest to do what she sometimes wants them to do together. Repeated failure to honor her wishes means lack of respect or too much self-centeredness and signals no foundation for his love, regardless of what he claims even to the contrary.
  8. He considers her attentions to him to be excessive—e.g., smother-love—and has no problem telling her about it. (If she nags about loneliness, she is the red flag that he perceives.)
  9. He angers easily at her for little things. She ticks him off easily. (And readers say, most men do. And I say, not if she’s important enough for him. He either values her above his temper or devotion is probably not in the cards. Admittedly, after they marry, couples learn that husband’s temper and devotion are not mutually exclusive like they should be in courtship when his self-control is part of selling himself to her. Wife has already bought into him.)
  10. He shows little interest in contacting her frequently and regularly. (He may have good reason and slowness of initiative should not raise a red flag. For example, it’s tolerable if he doesn’t try as hard as she does to keep him in her mind, but highly preferable if he wants to set her mind at ease.)
  11. He seems unwilling to respect and accommodate both her modesty and vanity. He can’t live with the fairness of being punctual to her tardiness fixing up. (In the natural course of things, her tardiness signifies that she’s the more important member of the courting arrangement. If not acknowledged by him, red flags unfurl and courtship may not be right for them.)
  12. He exhibits bad habits as she defines ‘bad’ without his showing interest to change just to please her. (Doesn’t mean he has to change at her request but to at least show honest and sincere effort to do so hopefully for the purpose of just pleasing her.)
  13. He prefers the company of buddies over aloneness with her. (IOW, she’s not respected comparable to his fun or socializing time?)
  14. He lets sex dominate his thinking when around her and when contacting her routinely. (The more prevalent his interest in sex, the less his true interest in her. How can I say that? People get what they think about. Thinking about it leaves less time and words for other things. Unless sex with her is hugely secondary, he’s not very devoted to her.)
  15. He resists investing his time, effort, or money in her. He’s single-minded to be super-efficient in their relationship. To produce the most for them at least cost to him. (After they marry, he gets worse. He won her with cheapness, he can keep her satisfied—frugal man’s value—while he becomes more successful at it. It’s husband’s true nature becoming more financially inhibited. He learns to admire himself more for every nickel saved. Unfortunately, she pays a huge price for his satisfaction and her inability to earn happiness for lack of resources with which to even be grateful for herself much less spread her gratefulness among others.)
  16. He gives too big rather than thoughtful gifts. (Trying too hard to impress her signals that he’s buying her off, which reverses their natural roles. It pushes her into the corner of becoming the seller (to keep gifts coming) rather than the buyer of whatever he has to offer of himself without gifts. Respect is not buried in gifts but in the intent behind the giving. Thoughtfulness reflects his respect much better than his gift. Am I right, ladies?)
  17. He keeps his schedule from her to prevent her knowledge, involvement, or ability to investigate. Super secrecy raises the red flag. (It’s natural for men to protect their independence and tend to their own business in their own way. It’s a strong instinct proportionally related to alpha, beta, gamma traits.)
  18. He keeps his agenda mysterious and doesn’t even hint at what her role might be in his life if and when they get more serious or marry. (Unwillingness to address her role keeps her closer to the sideline in case he wants to jump out of the relationship. The absence of such thoughts corresponds with unwillingness to fully commit.)
  19. He seems to purposely make himself unpredictable to her. (To be predictable is to lose independence. Men not fully devoted to their woman try endlessly to retain their independence even in small ways.)
  20. He flirts with other women when with her. (Contrary to woman-think, routine flirting does not signify emotional infidelity. Men don’t recognize emotional infidelity as important, and they don’t or can’t empathize with women about it. Therefore, women have to be more direct and teach their man, Thou shall not flirt, period.)
  21. He fails to flirt and tease her tenderly, abundantly, and sincerely. (Then he has little or no interest in making her feel good about herself.)
  22. He shows more interest in other things and people than in her. (He’s just not that into her, is he?)
  23. He sends out signals that she interprets as his using her to advance his agenda. (Does she want to tag along with his agenda? Does he even reveal his true agenda.)
  24. He dodges commitment except when tied to frequent and convenient access to sex—e.g., shack up—and dodges even more when marriage comes up. (The female heart is loaded with self-protective reasons to find fault in such a guy.)
  25. He uses words of commitment but doesn’t show actions that signify devotion. (Her heart knows this. Words are temporary. Only the actions of devotion program the heart in her favor. Now, how does she go about helping the words become actions? Be herself, trust her heart, and rely on her patience, indirectness, and most easily admirable qualities.)
  26. He attaches little extra value to the ‘us’ side of their relationship. He just can’t truly make her more important than him in his value system. (It does not bode well for her future even if sweetened by his presence.)
  27. He proactively claims both intent and ability to make her happy. (His idea of her happiness is her responding favorably to his leadership. OTOH, if he’s truly into her rather than chasing her for sex, he’s worried about keeping her happy in the present more than promising things for her future.)
  28. He promises her the moon. It’s an indirect invitation to bed. (When men come courting with indirectness, they abandon their direct nature. Women like to hear but should not trust romantic promises. Don’t dump him yet. Wait for his actions to match his words.)

Now, obviously those behaviors are more easily detectable during courtship. But some symptoms can be detected in dating and should raise red flags.

I know you ladies read more good signs and red flags in your lives than I can ever imagine. I think reason to veto is more useful. Avoidance usually beats the cure. Women already know how to buy in when they want to believe their date is almost a Mr. Right.

During dating and courtship, women should look for behaviors that hint that he’s not likely to fit her ideas about devotion to her. Devotion positives help seal a deal, but it’s devotion toxins than become more obvious and often demeaning after they marry. If her screening and judging stop before they meet at the altar, she sells herself short.

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2183. Dating in Mid-life — Part D7: Review of Sexual Matters


Here are a few miscellaneous tips about sex and dating.

  1. Summarized as succinctly as possible: Never disclose the reasons, persons, conditions, or circumstances that will induce you to yield. Not even to girlfriends, because they blab and steal. Along with your sexual history, it’s no one else’s business until you figure it’s best for you and choose outside of his pressure to take down your panties. (In a forthcoming article, I explore another natural paradox. The more you want to be liked, the less respect you will earn, and vice versa.)
  2. Timing is important with self-fulfilling prophecies. You act hard-to-get long before a man brings up the sex subject, and so he treats you respectfully while awaiting your willingness to proceed beyond the formalities of dating. [495]
  3. Hard-to-get should start at Minute One of Day One of every relationship. The more casual your approach to accepting dates, the more likely a man assumes you accept casual sex. If men don’t earn a date, they don’t plan thoroughly or well enough, truly appreciate you, or invest enough of themselves in your interest. Mini-dates, meeting over coffee, and church-together indirectly initiate hard-to-get.
  4. It’s a natural paradox. The primal urge to conquer is hardwired in the male brain. Based on the respect you earn and likeability he enjoys with you, what happens after conquest is predetermined and highly unlikely to change. You enter bed with these prospects ahead: either keeper, booty, or dumpee. Boobs and vagina contribute nothing to his respect of you but may add a little to your likeability. Perhaps enough to upgrade from dumpee to booty. (Sex after conquest is whatever you can make of it as the relationship expert.) [495]
  5. Because we’re emotional creatures, impressions can be stronger than facts. Knowledge does not motivate. Mystery about your sexual experience and appetite work best to attract his asking for first date, second date, third…. [489]
  6. Chastity earns a man’s respect and admiration, but his knowledge of your pledges to continue until married can discourage even his asking for dates. Mystery as to conditions for yielding keep you moving around inside his curiosity and imagination, which is where you benefit more than whatever relationship benefits you try to create by yourself. Hopelessness doesn’t motivate except to hope for somebody else. [489]
  7. If hopeful of sex and he’s not playing it vague and unavailable, he normally asks for a date. If you declare, avow, or everyone knows that you’re into no sex without marriage, you thus eliminate his hope and you might as well be in a nun’s habit. Why would a man even ask for a date unless he already seeks to marry on your terms, which isn’t likely unless it’s love at first sight? [489]
  8. Knowing for sure that you won’t yield discourages him from wanting to invest himself. OTOH, repeated denials if he dates you long enough can trigger his imagination that other guys failed with the same record as his. It adds value to you, a major virtue to be admired. It’s why virtual virginity works so well.
  9. Nothing earns a man’s respect better than a woman protecting her sexual assets against infringement by anyone, including him until he earns the privilege of access.
  10. Knowing that you will yield makes a guy want to pursue without a date. Rational thought advises him to try a shorter route. [491]
  11. Men aren’t as good as you at interpreting vocals, non-verbals, and body language messages. However, regarding sex, their hope is endless for conquest, and they read more into your behavior than you intend about sex but less about your other intentions and desires. [495]
  12. Whatever it may be, men expect to improve on both your experience and sexual appetite. It poses more challenges and greater risk on which the male mind thrives. A man’s instinctive conclusions more easily lead to your being asked out. IOW, he intends to make conquest like nothing you’ve ever had before. It’s his nature, instinctive pressures, and not any message you sent that you need or deserve a new experience or sexual appetite tuneup.[491]
  13. Mystery surrounding your sexual history is stronger and more a challenge than is the knowledge of it. More than just interest, a sprinkling of wonderment about your standards does far more to capture a man’s curiosity, spark his imagination for conquest, and consequently make him more likely to ask you out. [489]
  14. You decide when to yield. He hopes sooner, but the greater his investment of self—shared emotions, time, effort, money—the greater your worthiness to him. [501]
  15. When you insist on formal dates, rituals, and protocols that elevate your importance, he automatically assumes you’re far from a pushover. His hope lingers on, but you can’t make it so difficult that his interest declines. Tease gently, perhaps even tart-like, instead of specifically deny or discourage. [495]
  16. Yielding your greatest asset for little or nothing devalues you, because your sex partner does the benefit analysis single handedly and self-centeredly. [501]
  17. Your mystery pays. Smiles without reason, friendliness without being overly eager, and polite but restrained conversation pays off if absent sexual overtones. Familiarity reduces mystery and works against you, so delay becoming too familiar. Full disclosure is absolutely OUT.
  18. Talking about sex too soon lures, hints, objectifies. It reduces risk for him and increases vulnerability for you. It also reduces worth and respect of you. [489]

This last item has special meaning not just for virgins at which it aims. It’s worthy of a twice-through reading by all women.

19. Now, ladies, watch closely this special message to virgins. Conquering a known virgin has a paradoxical effect on men. It’s like they stole something; most men do have a conscience. Guilt sets in and men don’t handle guilt well. They fix it, or they forget it. The only way to fix it is to marry her.

So, unless she has earned sufficient respect for him to see promise in her as his mate, it’s worse for virgins than others to yield too early. It’s also a major reason why virginity should not be disclosed. The mystery inherent in virtual virginity keeps men from anticipating guilt, such as that which arises when they work to conquer a known virgin, aka theft in the male mind.

If they discover her virgin status on conquest, it’s a bonus. Guilt doesn’t set in because he lacks the theft mindset. If it happens after marriage, he’s blessed with the greatest of women by masculine standards. She protected her sexual assets to the ultimate, which earns her immense respect not available in any other way.

Two conquerors faced off, and he won in the trade off. He overcame the highly respectable and irresistible force of a unique woman worthy of sacrificing his independence. He won a comforting woman to lean on sexually, ambitiously, and relaxingly. She won the pleasure and pleasantness of helping fulfill his work and ambitions for life. It doesn’t get any better than that arrangement, does it?

(I leave hanging in the air the question about any woman aiming for marriage and yielding during engagement, which I may address someday.)

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2182. Dating in Mid-life — Part D6: More Tips for Interacting


This series is ending, but I offer a few miscellaneous tips.

  1. Females fish with full disclosure, as if males appreciate it as much as women do. You want him to be sure to know who you are. This gives a guy info to reduce his risk. First date may result, but less risk means weaker investment of his self, which means less effort to uncover weaknesses to get you into bed, which means less discovery of your virtues, which translates to less worth and respect of you, which weakens prospects for second or subsequent date. [489]
  2. Feminine assertiveness compliments a woman. It has far more bonding power than sex, because it earns respect for character strength and independence that sex does not. [501]
  3. Feminist aggressiveness doesn’t compliment women. It offends some men, turns off some others, and makes wusses of the rest. [501]
  4. Hard-to-get charmingly and modestly justified can overcome and perhaps overwhelm male dominance. [495]
  5. Having speculated about evidence, guessed about unknowns, and concluded that you might yield sparks his emotional interest. You’re more worthy of his investment. Rational thought confirms he should probably ask you out. [491]
  6. He may be a player. Beware vague and unavailable (V&U) aka he plays ‘hard-to-get’.
  7. How you program your mind about yourself conditions a man’s thinking about you. If you think you’re not worthy of his time, effort, and money, he’ll treat you less than you want and respect you less than you expect. OTOH, if you sincerely deserve his best effort, time invested, and bucks spent, then he’s much more likely not to disappoint you or himself. [495]
  8. Men believe more easily and firmly what they figure out by themselves. Conclusions drawn are stronger than firm knowledge, because they require investment of self. Conclusions also get emotions involved, and we’re all emotional decision makers. [491]
  9. Men seek to reduce risk, but they thrive on it when the goal is attractive enough. Working their tendency backward produces this. The riskier the endeavor, the greater their satisfaction for achievement. This adds value to and respect of you, if you hold out long enough for a man’s achievement to rank in his heart and mind and also justify his effort. IOW, his big investment pays off with a great return. It’s that process by which a man’s heart becomes devoted as he seeks to maximize his return on investment. [487]
  10. Much like resume placement in job interviewing, the purpose of first date is to get second date and so on for each subsequent date.
    1. These feminine traits prompt invitation. Mystery, female modesty, unique femaleness, seemingly irrational unpredictability, sexual attractiveness, physical attractiveness, self-respect, self-confidence, outshining other women, gentle but restrained friendliness, bold reaction against offenses to your dignity, apparent independence, and reflecting little apparent interest in him until he earns it.
    2. The greater the risk and the tougher to gain your acceptance, the more valuable you become right off. Your value always goes up with his investment of time, effort, and money. The more he invests of himself, the more he invests of himself. Men are not foolish enough to abandon an investment before it’s a lost cause. However, some men don’t give up after just a mini-investment, if they want the reward more than anything, such as in love at first sight.
    3. What makes him ask anyway? Your sexual and physical attractiveness and his confidence that he can sell you on himself. (If he doesn’t start out in the seller role, he will likely not fill it very well later. He might pull back and expect you to become the seller and reward him after a smaller investment of himself.)
  11. When he finds out on first or second date that you’re into chastity until marriage or Mr. Good Enough comes along, two outcomes are most likely. You no longer interest him. Or, he seeks to become his image of Mr. Right for you. It’s not what you tell him, it’s what he concludes from what you do and say. [491]
  12. When you behave such that he feels challenged just to ask for a date, he measures the risk of rejection. When you’re worth the risk, he’ll do the asking. If you present yourself as little or no challenge, he’ll take the easy way out: “Come on up to my place.” Or “Meet me at (the watering hole).” [491]
  13. Make up your mind about who pays for dates. I suggest study of 2040-2042 and comments attached thereto.

All of the above aims to describe the nature of males of all ages. Tomorrow we look at the more sexual side of early involvement.

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, Her glory, How she wins