Category Archives: Dear daughter

2466. Journey to Feminine — Group 17


I open this post with a paradox. Because love is so vital to the female psyche, they think it equally important to men. Not so. A woman’s admiration is far more influential than her love, when it comes to focusing a man’s attention on a woman. In fact, repeatedly expressing her infinite love makes a man suspicious; what’s she really after?

  1. A married man expects frequent and convenient access to sex. The feminine-oriented wife knows it’s a requirement that she accepts as her obligation to turn it into satisfaction for him and contentment for her. (Unless truly devoted to her, she has to gently induce him to want to become a better lover. He instinctively knows how to fornicate and so he’s convinced by his nature that he’s a great lover.)
  2. The feminine wife rewards her man for husbanding and fathering and works to inspire him to grow his sense of responsibility in ways that satisfy him and add to his significance. She does it as compensation for giving up his independence, or he will want it back.
  3. The male nature expects to be respected by females. The feminine woman looks for strengths and qualities to respect individuals, and admiration is more effective than love.
  4. She develops the feminine belief or understands that she has to earn the respect of a man to gain his love. To keep him, she must respect him as a person, a man, and for his roles in life; it’s the basis to keep husband’s focus on her as he also looks for her dependence on and gratitude for him.
  5. The feminine wife listens to sister wives and what they eventually learn. That is, husband is most satisfied when she smiles all the time in his presence and does not complain. And so smarter wives start early in marriage to live with the mission to do exactly that. She has to learn to forgive herself for departures, mistakes, and inconsistencies, and tries ever harder to stick to that mission. Success enables hubby to see only sparkling behavior for which he assumes credit for having chosen so astutely.
  6. The feminine wife does not try to change husband’s natural male dominance but gently sets it aside and out of her way with female intelligence, patience, and dedication to keep her man.
  7. The feminine woman knows that criticizing other men indirectly influences hubby against her, if he responds in their defense. (It opens the door to competing, which wife should avoid.)
  8. Feminine women may not know the name Pygmalion Effect, but they understand and take advantage of this principle. People become like those with whom they associate and live up to the expectations of others. Moreover, they tend to become what they are repeatedly accused of, are called, or identified as action figures.
  9. The feminine woman understands that what people proclaim of themselves becomes factual or more real. Examples: Frequently claiming “I’m tired” or “I’m broke” or “I’m working my way through college” brings on more of the same. (We get what we think about most of the time, and thinking of what we don’t want is counter-productive.)
  10. The feminine woman has good common sense; she trusts her instinct and intuition. She knows she’s better than men, and so she deserves the best man who proves his worth by earning her hand. Others are not good enough to be fruitful at fulfilling her interests, hopes, and dreams.

Men grow up getting used to getting their way; later in life they are willing to slack off a little, to mellow about decision-making. As men ‘downsize’ so to speak, women—also born to get their way—upgrade their ambitions. Smoothing out that mutual morphing is the long suit of the feminine wife. Her attitude stretches marital longevity by keeping her man satisfied with his mate.

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, Her glory, How she wins, marriage

2465. Follow Up on Satisfying a Husband


Post 2456 described two ingredients that wives provide that surpass all else to fulfill a husband’s wish for marriage. He’s happy as women call it, but men don’t do ‘happy’. A man’s equivalent of happy is satisfaction; in this case that he’s comfortably situated in marriage.

Things go smoothly when wife smiles regularly in his presence and she doesn’t complain to him. Her smiles reassure him and lack of complaints confirm that he needn’t worry, all goes well. He must not be guilty of anything, so he’s not done wrong or disappointed her. It’s what he expects from having been so particular in selecting the right woman to marry. Her smiling and agreeable countenance confirms his astute judgment and satisfaction.

She has to, of course, first want to do all that; it’s nearly impossible but she’s highly skilled. Not as simple as I describe it, but two guiding lights help wife satisfy husband. It puts her directly in control of how well and comfortably he fits the saddle on their marital horse. Keep him happily mounted on his charger, and it frees her up to make their marriage successful and future brighter.

But he has another saddle, and the same ingredients add some more satisfaction. The identity of many if not most men includes their primary vehicle. Part of his reputation among men is wrapped up in it. It’s part of who he is among competitors, his significance, even if he can’t afford what he dreams of but lives with second best. And it’s especially more true of functional vehicles such as the truck he uses for his business.

His vehicle will provide the equivalent of smiles if he has what he admires. Also, he should hear no complaints from it. Squeaks, rattles, broken parts, and features that don’t function are complaints so he tends to spend freely on it. The more admiring care he puts into maintaining its beauty and operability and preventing complaints, the more valuable and smilingly it calls to him for another ride and adds to his sense of satisfaction with himself.

Any lessening of husband’s desire to drive his dream machine in favor of helping their relationship survive is a sign that wife caught a good one, if she can keep him. (It’s mighty easy for wife to overdo it, to expect hubby to give up too much for her in order to prove her importance or his love.)

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2464. Journey to Feminine — Group 16


Feminine women are motivated to compete for the best man and cooperate with the man they win. They exploit their nature to the best of their abilities and expect men to do likewise.

  • She can provide and protect a family, but it works much better doing it with a man whom she has helped become a better and hopefully good man, her Mr. Right.
  • As men show their masculinity in revelry, she refuses to join as one of the guys. Instinct tells her she can’t act like a guy and be treated better than that.
  • If he can act financially irresponsible, she has plenty of initiative to help balance the books. Complaints about his behavior don’t solve her problems. It takes his different behavior, and he resists changing from her complaints.
  • If he endangers family solidarity by cheating, she has options and ability for preserving both marriage and family. Her instinctive nature and intuition can bless her favorably if her character is strong enough to live with her own tough decisions.
  • She thinks like a woman, thinks how men think differently, and merges the combination into guiding her dealings with men and a man. IOW, she doesn’t try to make over a man into what women think they should be.
  • She specializes as the future oriented genius each couple needs to build longevity together. She recruits his interest in her way by giving him his way in the present. (You may wish to review post 2456 for the two things that make a man happy in his marriage.)
  • She realizes their romantic love will fade in a year or two. Marital vows can fade in importance. Any man can get interested in someone else. So, she begins early to shape their love into an enduring form that breeds longevity, keeps her as most important woman in his life.
  • She knows in her heart that she knows what’s best for ‘us’ as couple, parents, and family. She knows intuitively that the less of it she reveals, the better she’s enabled to fill the dominant role melding their lives together. Also, the less he takes offense at what she thinks and does, the more freedom for her ambitions. Seed planting and indirectness that generate respect also bring success.

As mentioned many times here, women have two great shortcomings. 1) They don’t know enough about men and their nature. 2) They are not grateful enough for themselves. Lacking self-gratitude, they are short of one of their greatest blessings, that of being grateful for others.

Feminist-think endows women with direct power against men but it subverts self-gratitude. It goes against their soft-hearted nature to high-handedly blame men. In the female nature, self-gratitude is best earned by indirectness, private thoughts, and disinterest in broadcasting her importance. When a women weaves feminine beliefs and actions into her behavior, WALLAH, she also learns to be grateful for who and what she is and does. Self-gratitude is the root of female happiness, which arrives after years of gratefulness for the others who make up her family. Feminine women possess admirable character.

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2460. Narcissistic/Codependent Marriage


Her Highness Femme raised questions about the narcissistic/codependent marriage? “Why is it so common these days, do you think? Has it always been around or is it a more recent phenomenon?”

It’s an effect that has always been around, because the cause has always been present. However, in our former old school culture the cause was much rarer. Society changed after the leftist revolutionaries brought us the cultural and sexual revolutions, and one result is more narcissistic adults and codependent marriages.

The cause is poor fathering and mothering. When the Baby Boomer generation jumped the cultural track to follow leftist politics, each of seven or eight generations* progressively weakened their ability to parent in the centuries-old traditional mold. Some may remember mottoes like ‘Don’t listen to anyone over thirty,’ which was propaganda aimed against parental leadership. Striking back against parental teaching and traditional values, each generation grew weaker at producing better adults.

Feminism accelerated the move into fashion and mothers especially developed child-raising techniques that work contrary to developing admirable adults.

As poorer kids and adults appeared in society, parents responded by trying to produce better kids, which they measured by how better the parents felt when the kids reflected credit on them. Then, kids started appearing as difficult and unmanageable; boys needful of Ritalin and girls victims of something of their own doing. It’s narrow but an accurate description of the path to narcissism and codependence.

You can see signs of the following in modern mothers. They over-manage to prevent independent play, over-train to make parents look good, over-supervise to prevent kids making mistakes, and over-dramatize their tiredness for having to do too much. Moms, in effect, cancel children’s ability to learn by themselves, to self-develop. They even award prizes for non-achievement, which is the ignorant and self-defeating practice aimed at improving self-esteem and which has the opposite effect. (Ignorant in that self-esteem can’t be upgraded but self-image is adversely affected.)

Momma is always close by and telling them what and what not to do. She insists on directing kids’ lives so that kids learn too little by themselves. Then, mom complains she’s overworked. She does too much for others to make her feel good about herself, but the process ruins kids for adulthood.

Kids have no responsibility placed on them except to be good kids and make the parents look good, responsible, and as over achievers. However, raised for that purpose, they become poor adults. Kids raised to be good adults—while parents absorb blame for all the embarrassing moments—become what parents and other adults hope to see.

Beginning when a child’s conscious mind opens in the third year of life, they become a self-developer and it lasts for life. That’s why people don’t want to be told HOW to do; they want to figure it out themselves. You can see it in toddlers, and it makes the popular technique of over-nurturing harmful to development.

What you see in the narcissistic/codependent marriage is adultolescents. They were denied self-development. They were always told HOW to live, eat, play, relate, dress, talk, not offend, be pleasant when it’s not felt, and do everything else according to parental directives. They were seldom encouraged to earn rewards and released to make and live with their mistakes. Without that development intent, they never learned that recovery is everything, which means they don’t know how to handle much in the way of adult matters.

When they passed through puberty, they lacked adult values, standards, and expectations, and their minds filled up with teenage pop culture values, standards, and expectations. Consequently, they don’t escape adolescence even though they are physically mature. What’s left wives see as narcissism and co-dependence in their mates. Sometimes husbands see that in their mates.

*I perceive a new generation when kids enter first grade and leave home for a time their own, so to speak. Their siblings six or seven years younger will live a sub-culture life very different in toys, music, attractions, values, standards, expectations, banter, chatter, terms, popular vocabulary, and friends. It makes each generation different from the previous, and society changes much more frequently than before prosperity enabled such explosive change.

 

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Filed under Culture & Politics, Dear daughter, marriage, nurturing, Sociology 101

2456. Men Expect This in Marriage


Perhaps this is why men are seen as simple beings. It compares how men are different at birth from what women criticize later in life.

He marries expecting that HIS marriage will be simple and thus good. He screens and tests her to be sure their life together will turn out to match his decision-making hopes. He has an inadequately defined short list of expectations for her. (However, it will grow later and lose simplicity when he sees things he can’t respect, like, or tolerate.)

A prospective bride can list and visualize dozens of clearly defined expectations to fulfill HER marriage. IOW, what she expects of husband to fulfill her hopes and dreams. Do you see a possibility for disconnect? He expects simple; she plots the opposite.

Most of what she expects, he doesn’t know are plans for him. She may explain a lot, but the details escape him. She over-prepares and he under-prepares. He’s mostly willing to step into his marital shoes, because he knows he can handle whatever she can’t. All will go well until it doesn’t. That’s how he faces the future or he wouldn’t play the game. Should something go wrong, he will deal with it if she can’t.

So, they marry and start living together with his expecting it to duplicate their courtship relationship. Her bright smiles and no complaints signify that she’s happy, or so he muses. Since happy is not a state that men seek, her smiles confirm that she’s satisfied. That must include him or she’d be complaining. She must have everything well in hand. For the most part she excludes him from everyday problems. He’s satisfied that she takes care of home while he takes care of outside the home. His satisfaction is the equivalent of her happiness that he measures by her satisfied smiles and lack of complaints.

So, he needn’t worry, he must be pleasing her, no reason to feel guilty, and all goes well. He expects it to continue forever. It’s the man’s view of how marriage works and succeeds.

It’s how things ought to be. His expectations are met and he’s free to continue with his daily goals that produce self-satisfaction. It’s what he expects from his marriage; she makes everything come out just fine.

On that basis, their process of marital compatibility continues when reinforced by her actions and supportive words. Since respect and trust are reciprocal, then her continuous smiles without complaint signify that she’s happy and it keeps this process in motion: 1) His trust reveals that she handles everything well, which signifies to her that he respects her. 2) His respect of her returns to him as her trust of him, which satisfies him that he accomplishes what he seeks. 3) His increased respect of her shows up as increased trust of her. 4) Her fear of being abandoned fades away as his respect and trust of her accumulate. 5) With less fear, anxiety moves aside, and she keeps her smiles in place and registers no or few complaints. 6) He satisfies himself that marriage was a good decision. 7) His satisfaction and trust empower her to harmonize home and relationship to suit her intentions. She’s free to pursue the happiness that won’t come to her fully until late in life when her girlhood hopes and dreams are realized.

And that, dear ladies, is the way men are hardwired to expect life with a woman. With that process in place, men go happily along with hopes and ego firmly rooted in having done the right thing to choose her and their love blossoms on the strength of her ability to simplify life together.

Now ladies, I know you object. The burden seems all on her. But you see, she’s born that way and so is he. She’s blessed with but he lacks all the talent and skills to make their life simple and therefore good to him. So, if she doesn’t, a happy lifetime marriage doesn’t get done.


P.S. One lady’s description of her experience draws this confirming picture. My thanks to Insanitybytes22:

“This was really well said. I remember when we were first married my husband would often protest, “I’m a simple man!” I had no idea what that even meant. He really did think all I needed to do was smile and not complain and all would be well in his world. Women aren’t like that at all, we are far more complex and involved in all the details of everyday life. So hubby would frustrate me no end, because he couldn’t understand that my life was not simple at all.

“It took a while, but over the years I learned that it really is that simple, he is pleased, happy, content if I simply smile and don’t complain. That’s all he needs. My life is certainly not simple, but pleasing my husband really is. We women have a tendency to try to do all these “things” and “stuff,” when in fact it often [is] the simplest of things that bring contentment to men. Once hubby became content, I was free to create my own contentment for myself and that’s when things began to get really good.”

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2454. Blame and Complain: An Unsurprising Reaction


Her Highness Milena at 2453 makes a good case to justify what women do today. It’s logical, reasonable, stems from pop culture, which stems from Feminism, but which doesn’t work all that successfully with men. Such belief puts women at disadvantage because of the very different nature of men and women.

Without knowing why, modern women find that marital solidarity kind of weakens or fades. Husband just doesn’t work out to be the man a woman expects. It’s a sign that he dislikes what’s happening around him, and she’s usually in charge of that.

So, I have to verbalize why Milena’s model seems to work but believers unsuspectingly produce what they don’t want. Her paragraphs follow broken up so my comments can follow her statements.

“I’m a bit confused. I’ve read elsewhere that it’s better to be clear and direct towards men (in a respectful way of course, as we would treat anyone) because men are not good at taking hints.” It’s accurate and well-phrased. It’s the modern mantra developed to confirm equality. However, men do take hints; they simply pay more attention to people they highly respect. (Admittedly, women are more skillful at taking hints, and so they expect men to be the same.)

“And to back up your directness with actions instead of talking about it endlessly until the man zones you out. (I guess the latter would be considered complaining!)” Directness with actions should resolve her problem. Example: ‘Honey, the hose was leaking and flooding my flower bed. So, I tightened the fitting and it worked’. It’s a good reason to mention it. Her fixing it changes a complaint into more self-respect, which enables her to show more respect for hubby, which he sees as greater worth in her, which then strengthens the marital process.

“I don’t see how it’s healthy for a woman to always have to hide what is bothering her, or am I misunderstanding you?” You’re right. It’s not healthy but it’s not unhealthy either. If she’s looking for a solution or working on resolving what bothers her, hiding it doesn’t bother her. OTOH, if she’s so frustrated that she has to dump it on hubby, surrounding every frustration is a swarm of gratitude that can calm the frustration. She does, however, need to teach herself to let frustration trigger her to look for what all she otherwise possesses. Finding gratitude has a very calming effect on the female nature.

“Wouldn’t a man who is devoted to her want to know if there is something wrong, so he could try and fix it?” Absolutely, but it’s all in the telling. Directness can too easily come across as an order. Indirectness can easily come across as she depends on him.

“Of course we all need to take responsibility for our feelings and learn to make ourselves happy….” Dumping her problems on hubby does not make her happy although she may enjoy doing it (and perhaps even vengefully). Happiness flows from her gratitude for who she is and what she possesses that help generate her good life. Born to be good, she only needs to do good; the encouraging key to which is gratitude.

Can she be more grateful that she has a husband than what she wants to complain about? If so, she just took a step toward getting what she wants without disturbing his feelings toward her with blame or complaint. Encouraged by newly cited gratefulness, she naturally turns to her talents and skills as a relationship expert to produce a result that pleases her and hubby. Once she appreciates how grateful she is for all that she has, her attitude changes to love first and find fault and express blame never. Earning her way to happiness by finding more and more for which to be grateful naturally steers her clear of disturbing the peace and harmony she has already worked so hard to produce.

“…but if her husband is showing lack of respect or consideration towards her, I don’t think a wife should just patiently smile and take it.” Right! But she has other options than confronting him, which brings out blame, complaint, or expectation that he must do something to suit her. That is the result of directness, it raises his competitive hostility and men intend to not lose battles with their wives.

Demanding respect or special consideration from someone earns the opposite. It signifies lack of self-respect in the one who demands or even politely asks for respect.

A man’s respect of a woman forms before conquest. A different kind of respect grows after that from her accomplishments that he can admire. Prime examples: 1) She talks to God and turns her life around to follow Jesus Christ such that he admires both her dedication and new way that she views him. If she’s already saved, she gets closer to Jesus. 2) She develops new lifestyle habits at her morning mirror that empower her to take greater charge of her life and those around her. It’s a good place to ID all the things for which she’s grateful, which also puts her on the road to happiness and changes her attitude to a winner instead of complainer or one routinely needing help. (See the mirror time series at 2123-2127 plus others listed in CONTENT page.)

“In that case, it would be better to be single with your self-respect and well-being intact.” Yes, you can easily exchange places with another woman who seeks a man, while you start looking again. If a woman looks and finds gratefulness in her life, she won’t be thinking about that option.

Most women prefer the misery of marital uncertainty to the certainty of single-life misery. For those who prefer the former, I recommend devotion to God or devotion to self. More church for the former, more mirror time for the latter.

It goes further. Women like to object that men claim she’s his woman, in effect he owns her. OTOH, she can own everything else in her life when she relies on her natural skills, talents, and interpersonal abilities to generate and manage her relationship and marriage. She elevates him to chairman of the board and herself as CEO. In real life, CEOs don’t complain to their chairman. Their worthiness arises out of their serene management as the chairman sees it. She works to make everything work but reserves veto power for him. When it works that way to his pleasure, she has uncorked Mr. Right. It’s not short but a rewarding journey for a wife.

Thank you, Milena, for a well-prepared and -expressed comment. That I disagree reflects our political differences. What you cite has no bearing on how well you’re appreciated for this contribution to better understanding men and women. You opened a door that has needed opening for a long time.

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2453. Blame and Complain


Relationships don’t have to breakup as easily as I describe. I point to causes and effects that tend to crack and perhaps lead to crumbling and eventual separation.

A marriage boils down to the little things in life, and wife is the most able and influential to produce success or failure. It’s easy to drive a man away. Sex won’t hold him anytime, but his departure is speeded up if the little things in life irritate him sufficiently that he concludes he will receive less with another woman. I cite three wifely habits, the results of which impact a man negatively and can build up to be too much for him to stay with her.

Throw enough blame around and it can wreck a marriage. Wives can recover much more easily but wrecks still happen. Husbands are very vulnerable in two ways: 1) A husband has to prove the blamer wrong and expects to fight to the bitter end, which invites the same from his wife. It neutralizes the marital need for cooperation and matches spouses competitively, which makes a man more determined than ever to not lose an argument to his wife.

2) If 1) doesn’t apply or fails him, then he is supposed to feel guilty. Men reject guilt when imposed by someone else, especially women and more especially their own. There are few things more toxic than wife blaming a man for anything. Men achieve self-satisfaction in all that they do, so whatever they do they do right and beyond criticism. If they forget to do something, it may be another matter but the first sign of criticism makes a man think of fighting back rather than accepting the guilt his wife is likely trying to impose (which works on women but not men).

Blame overrides the harmonizing effect of her smiling in good spirits. Blame is the woman-to-man counterpart of physical abuse, and the former often invites the latter. With blame flying about in the home, the calm marital process that a man expects does not take place.

Blame poisons a relationship, and so do wifely complaints with weaker toxic effect. Consequently, a wife should find some other way to correct whatever needs fixing. Neither blaming nor complaining serves her nearly as well as her other talents and skills such as patience, imagination, guile, and advanced ability to talk her way into getting her way and making others like it.

It should be obvious. Men have so few expectations compared to women. It would not be on their list of expectations, but women expect to complain. They see it as a necessity to get what they want out of others, but they have better ways. All they have to do is stop, think, and search for another way to head toward a solution to whatever they want to complain about. More effective is this: Complain to self and look for another way to induce whatever action is necessary from someone else, especially a husband.

It is far easier for women to satisfy their man than the opposite. Great steps of progress are available when women learn to avoid blaming their man and complaining about whatever frustrates them. Of course, again, it just ain’t fair, if women have to do everything. But it is the price women have to pay for a good, solid, and maturely developed lifetime marriage.

——

The female dream of a lifetime marriage is easily disturbed by an innocence that sours the domestic atmosphere.  You ladies are unaware, so I plant a seed.

You’re not going to believe my next point, so I promise an article soonest in order to describe a common wifely habit that can contribute toward breakup. If wife routinely complains about being tired, she adds the kind of pressure that drives husbands away. She has far better options just awaiting development that can bring more closeness and discourage separation. I think I’ll use the title, “I’m not tired.”

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