Category Archives: feminine

2183. Dating in Mid-life — Part D7: Review of Sexual Matters


Here are a few miscellaneous tips about sex and dating.

  1. Summarized as succinctly as possible: Never disclose the reasons, persons, conditions, or circumstances that will induce you to yield. Not even to girlfriends, because they blab and steal. Along with your sexual history, it’s no one else’s business until you figure it’s best for you and choose outside of his pressure to take down your panties. (In a forthcoming article, I explore another natural paradox. The more you want to be liked, the less respect you will earn, and vice versa.)
  2. Timing is important with self-fulfilling prophecies. You act hard-to-get long before a man brings up the sex subject, and so he treats you respectfully while awaiting your willingness to proceed beyond the formalities of dating. [495]
  3. Hard-to-get should start at Minute One of Day One of every relationship. The more casual your approach to accepting dates, the more likely a man assumes you accept casual sex. If men don’t earn a date, they don’t plan thoroughly or well enough, truly appreciate you, or invest enough of themselves in your interest. Mini-dates, meeting over coffee, and church-together indirectly initiate hard-to-get.
  4. It’s a natural paradox. The primal urge to conquer is hardwired in the male brain. Based on the respect you earn and likeability he enjoys with you, what happens after conquest is predetermined and highly unlikely to change. You enter bed with these prospects ahead: either keeper, booty, or dumpee. Boobs and vagina contribute nothing to his respect of you but may add a little to your likeability. Perhaps enough to upgrade from dumpee to booty. (Sex after conquest is whatever you can make of it as the relationship expert.) [495]
  5. Because we’re emotional creatures, impressions can be stronger than facts. Knowledge does not motivate. Mystery about your sexual experience and appetite work best to attract his asking for first date, second date, third…. [489]
  6. Chastity earns a man’s respect and admiration, but his knowledge of your pledges to continue until married can discourage even his asking for dates. Mystery as to conditions for yielding keep you moving around inside his curiosity and imagination, which is where you benefit more than whatever relationship benefits you try to create by yourself. Hopelessness doesn’t motivate except to hope for somebody else. [489]
  7. If hopeful of sex and he’s not playing it vague and unavailable, he normally asks for a date. If you declare, avow, or everyone knows that you’re into no sex without marriage, you thus eliminate his hope and you might as well be in a nun’s habit. Why would a man even ask for a date unless he already seeks to marry on your terms, which isn’t likely unless it’s love at first sight? [489]
  8. Knowing for sure that you won’t yield discourages him from wanting to invest himself. OTOH, repeated denials if he dates you long enough can trigger his imagination that other guys failed with the same record as his. It adds value to you, a major virtue to be admired. It’s why virtual virginity works so well.
  9. Nothing earns a man’s respect better than a woman protecting her sexual assets against infringement by anyone, including him until he earns the privilege of access.
  10. Knowing that you will yield makes a guy want to pursue without a date. Rational thought advises him to try a shorter route. [491]
  11. Men aren’t as good as you at interpreting vocals, non-verbals, and body language messages. However, regarding sex, their hope is endless for conquest, and they read more into your behavior than you intend about sex but less about your other intentions and desires. [495]
  12. Whatever it may be, men expect to improve on both your experience and sexual appetite. It poses more challenges and greater risk on which the male mind thrives. A man’s instinctive conclusions more easily lead to your being asked out. IOW, he intends to make conquest like nothing you’ve ever had before. It’s his nature, instinctive pressures, and not any message you sent that you need or deserve a new experience or sexual appetite tuneup.[491]
  13. Mystery surrounding your sexual history is stronger and more a challenge than is the knowledge of it. More than just interest, a sprinkling of wonderment about your standards does far more to capture a man’s curiosity, spark his imagination for conquest, and consequently make him more likely to ask you out. [489]
  14. You decide when to yield. He hopes sooner, but the greater his investment of self—shared emotions, time, effort, money—the greater your worthiness to him. [501]
  15. When you insist on formal dates, rituals, and protocols that elevate your importance, he automatically assumes you’re far from a pushover. His hope lingers on, but you can’t make it so difficult that his interest declines. Tease gently, perhaps even tart-like, instead of specifically deny or discourage. [495]
  16. Yielding your greatest asset for little or nothing devalues you, because your sex partner does the benefit analysis single handedly and self-centeredly. [501]
  17. Your mystery pays. Smiles without reason, friendliness without being overly eager, and polite but restrained conversation pays off if absent sexual overtones. Familiarity reduces mystery and works against you, so delay becoming too familiar. Full disclosure is absolutely OUT.
  18. Talking about sex too soon lures, hints, objectifies. It reduces risk for him and increases vulnerability for you. It also reduces worth and respect of you. [489]

This last item has special meaning not just for virgins at which it aims. It’s worthy of a twice-through reading by all women.

19. Now, ladies, watch closely this special message to virgins. Conquering a known virgin has a paradoxical effect on men. It’s like they stole something; most men do have a conscience. Guilt sets in and men don’t handle guilt well. They fix it, or they forget it. The only way to fix it is to marry her.

So, unless she has earned sufficient respect for him to see promise in her as his mate, it’s worse for virgins than others to yield too early. It’s also a major reason why virginity should not be disclosed. The mystery inherent in virtual virginity keeps men from anticipating guilt, such as that which arises when they work to conquer a known virgin, aka theft in the male mind.

If they discover her virgin status on conquest, it’s a bonus. Guilt doesn’t set in because he lacks the theft mindset. If it happens after marriage, he’s blessed with the greatest of women by masculine standards. She protected her sexual assets to the ultimate, which earns her immense respect not available in any other way.

Two conquerors faced off, and he won in the trade off. He overcame the highly respectable and irresistible force of a unique woman worthy of sacrificing his independence. He won a comforting woman to lean on sexually, ambitiously, and relaxingly. She won the pleasure and pleasantness of helping fulfill his work and ambitions for life. It doesn’t get any better than that arrangement, does it?

(I leave hanging in the air the question about any woman aiming for marriage and yielding during engagement, which I may address someday.)

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2181. Dating in Mid-life — Part D5: What To Bring to the Dance


NOTE: Before we start here, I caution you. When you finish reading this post, you will be angry or at least disappointed with me. So, I owe explanation before you verbally bop me on the head. This is my first attempt to develop a better and faster method of screening men for compatibility with you before you waste time and effort watching the years roll by.

I cite qualities that you may or may not have but should consider when you screen a man. Not that you should or will adopt the qualities. But—if you were to do so, how might your date react as your husband? It’s all highly imaginative, I admit, but it will help you understand men better.

I hope that you can presume you are as described below, and then weigh your dates’ attitude and manner against what you imagine yourself to be. Example: He’s extremely neat, I mean a neatness freak. Unless you’re also a neatness freak, he will tend to find fault about things you consider too small to worry about. (Before studying below, you probably would appreciate his neatness as desirable and marry into a life of constant annoyances from being nitpicked to death. The same applies to 19 other potential qualities cited below.)

Don’t just screen men against your tastes or preferences, compare them against an ideal woman to see how far you need to adjust to keep him in your net. If that doesn’t make sense, don’t bother to proceed.

Also, what follows is more appropriate and meaningful for women under rather than over 50 years old. However, it’s not a clear distinction.

——

You know how you love, but do you know what men are likely to regard as virtue and coin-of-the-realm for marriage? The following female strengths flow out of natural but often opposed hard-headedness and soft-heartedness. As a man sees each as an admirable quality, it becomes a virtue in his imagination. Seeking to marry a virtuous woman, virtuous for you is the product of one man’s imagination.

Each of the following qualities reside within your female heart and has been there since birth although perhaps dormant. You only have to claim and act them out. Relationship experts do so regularly. When they can’t get their way, they claim and use new qualities they previously ignored.

Not all men admire all the qualities; it often depends on how sincerely they act them out and how male observers appreciate that particular trait in the woman of their dreams. IOW, the more popular is the trait, the more common it becomes, and the more attracted are the males.

For screening purposes, assume that you have the qualities listed. How do you think each date would respond if you were really like that?

  1. Affordable attire but classy grooming marvelously enhance your physical attractiveness. Does he recognize it when he sees it? Does he know what a mirror is for; IOW does he use one?
  2. Sexual attractiveness enhanced by modest coverings suggests that other men are forbidden access. It triggers his imagination to believe in you. Or is he too much into sex and too little into you? Can you tell?
  3. Gentleness provides you with almost endless patience. Does his impatience bother your gentleness?
  4. Gentility provides you with dignified composure. Does his vulgarity bother your gentility?
  5. You’re thoughtful just as your mate deserves. Does thoughtfulness impress him with gratitude? Or does he expect it as your duty?
  6. You’re grateful but not puppy-happy when he’s around. How much smother-love before he’s turned off? OTOH, how short is he of attention, affection, and other direct signs of your loyalty that doesn’t involve sex?
  7. Submissiveness energizes your spirit of marital cooperation. How different does he see what men calls submission from your being submissive with a free will just like his but with differing objectives?
  8. Your happiness spreads infectiously because you continually spotlight its source, which is gratitude for yourself and others. How grateful is or can he be for others in both his and your life?
  9. Your joyfulness inspires greater hope in those around you. Can he even be grateful for joyfulness? Is his heart warped downward away from ever appreciating much joy?
  10. Feminine speech and highly modest appearance indirectly suggest sex is forbidden subject until you bring it up. Does he recognize such non-verbals or still want to bring up sex some way, somehow, and sooner rather than later?
  11. Unselfishness spreads your attention and generosity to others. Does he go along or find the end results as undeserved? Perhaps his respect has not been earned; example, a cheap tipper?
  12. A delightful countenance makes your dates smile more with greater friendliness. He figures that your current judgments favor him, which he yearns for without having to do anything special or even dutiful. IOW, your delightful countenance confirms his worth of just being who he is, since you also enjoy being with him.
  13. Neatness shows your interest in taking care of small things. Does he appreciate your neat manner? A good prospect should appreciate that he need not worry and is, thereby, freed up to take care of bigger things.
  14. Your sense of goodness sets a shining example that you are born to do good and have both incentive and ability. He’s born capable of doing good but has to be taught to do other than bad relative to women and children. Did he learn it in childhood? If needing more, is he willing to be taught?
  15. Faithfulness inspires others to follow suit. Faithfulness is obedience to one’s beliefs, which are strengthened immensely by belief in people and things bigger than ourselves, and with supreme being as the ultimate strengthener. How interested does he seem for upgrading himself in character or behavior or regard for others?
  16. You give and show respect unconditionally without others first having to earn it. Men are the reverse, but how much does he expect out of people before he respects them? How does he handle food servers? Clerks?
  17. You prefer to trust the future with your judgment; e.g., silence when words may be more appropriate to spread constructive criticism, which is still criticism. Does he react favorably uncomfortable or unfavorably aggressive to your silence, when he thinks perhaps he’s done wrong or not enough?
  18. Friendliness flows out of your liberal application of honey rather than vinegar. You can disguise much anguish that men have trouble living with. Does he appreciate it in you and want to copy? Or does he throw his own vinegar on your relationship dessert?
  19. You absorb guilt without finding reason to pass or spread it to others. Withholding it is the quality men admire. Does he? Or does he not appreciate that you absorb what he wouldn’t tolerate?
  20. Your most effective leadership depends upon example rather than authority. Men don’t recognize the non-dominant gender as authority-endowed anyway. They reject the bossy voice and bossy woman who uses it. Is he normal or expect to be bossed?
  21. Forgetfulness follows true and sincere forgiveness. You’ll probably never have a bigger challenge. For women but not men, forgiving is easier than forgetting offenses but may never come up in dating or courtship. But keep this in mind. Extreme distrust or worse follows your mentioning something for which he’s been forgiven.

Listen, I don’t know how to close the gaps above between your imagined female character and how your dates or even fiancés are likely to respond. Consequently, since this is a test of better screening, I take the cheap way out. Remember, this blog’s mission is to inform you so that you can figure out what’s best for you.

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2180. Dating in Mid-life — Part D4: He Walks Himself to the Altar


You’ve read much of this before, but a summary is appropriate. The male heart is programmed to work through the following steps so smoothly that they can’t be identified as individual steps. They all merge together into one constantly developing process that emerges out of his determined effort to get you into bed. However, in his subconscious background, these things are happening.

  • Sensing his pressure to uncover weakness, you exercise due caution and refuse to be exploited. Almost accidentally to his mind but not yours, he discovers that you have admirable qualities that he likes and can admire. His curiosity arouses, his imagination soars according to how emotionally attractive you are to him.
  • Admired qualities are virtues to him, and men seek to marry a virtuous woman. Chaste dating enables you to disclose other qualities worthy of his admiration. (OTOH, conquest ends his search for weakness, which terminates the rapid growth of your virtue and expansion of his respect, which makes yielding counterproductive to your long-view expectations.)
  • His verbal commitment, followed by courtship, enables more virtues to accumulate and compound. He starts pleasing himself by pleasing you more and more, which is the development of devotion. Devotion grows and morphs into fascination. At some point, in a surprising realization, he concludes he can’t live without you. The surprise upgrades his mind from your fascinating likeability into a new app. He perceives you as full of promise as a potential mate. The hook is in his mouth but not yet set.
  • Spurred by his imagination, his judgment shifts you from potential mate to possible wife. Thinking himself unable to do without you, his focus changes. He looks for your promise as his life-partner, which casts the lure of your help to routinely uplift his present life and fulfill his ambitions. That realization qualifies you as highly desired wife. After imagining the full consequences of that, he envisions a trip to the altar. You hold so much promise that he can no longer ignore it. The hook is set.
  • He proposes, is accepted, turns the arrangements over to you (and bride’s mother), and gets himself to the altar on time.

Thus, just by being yourself and not trying to accelerate the process or convince him to commit or marry, by showing extensive patience, you pave with undisclosed female dreams the pathway to the altar. You dodge his search for weakness, demo your abundant qualities that he can admire, and await the proposal in his good time.

As I hope you have seen, the nature of men produces a premarital process and commitment agenda very different from both the womanly process and whatever women envision for men. Women are fond of makeovers in appearance because men appreciate the results. If more women had makeovers in virtuous behavior—aka feminine, moral, religious, and anti-feminist qualities—I predict that men would appreciate it. Many more would step up to the monogamous plate and swing for the marital home run as if in the world series, score tied, two outs, and bases loaded in the ninth.

You win through the activity of his curiosity, imagination, and subconscious mind. None of which you can influence directly and effectively (only subtly and indirectly). That’s why manipulation and pushing a man to the altar makes a marriage short-lived. You have to let him determine his commitment, devotion, and proposal. To figure important things out himself is to confirm his sense of independence before he yields it to you.

Before this series ends, I shall cite many of the virtuous qualities that women can follow to upgrade their virtuous behavior. In the meantime, tomorrow’s posting continues with some tips for interacting with men and dates.

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2173. He Badgers You About Sexual History


Commenting at 2172 Her Highness Juju inspired another break in the mid-life dating series. This article responds to her, but I’ve made it relevant for all women.

That Horse is Dead responded to Juju with this sound reasoning:

“If a man ‘badgers you constantly’ to disclose your sexual history and you’ve made yourself clear that the topic is not up for discussion (no ring, no booty), I believe he disqualifies himself as Mr. Good Enough. Your actions speak to the fact that his accusations are unfounded especially when he can’t conquer you himself. He’s fishing for your weaknesses, so allow him to go fish somewhere else, preferably back into the parade of men you will never regret.”

To which I add a way out for Juju and all women badgered for any reason to go against their will. There comes a time when every man needs to be put in his place in the world of females.

Juju, you should make a decision. Are you tough enough to get your way and end his inquisition forever? If yes, then study and figure out how to make the following proposal fit your personality and character. Then do it with courage and determination knowing that you’re in the right. (Don’t consult with girlfriends first; prepare and do it all by yourself.)

In private, sit him down, stand over him, point your finger in his face, and proclaim with a stern face, emphatic words, but not angry voice. Both countenance and sounds he’s never heard from you, “It – is – none – of – your – business. My sexual history is exclusively my business.” (He should wonder why he deserves what he’s receiving. He feels relatively innocent but now knows better.)

Don’t complain, don’t explain further. Don’t let him initiate a dialogue. End the convo and do something else immediately. Let him stew on his own what he just saw and heard. (What he sees registers more impressively than what he hears.)

Now I know you intuitively object to doing such a thing. It strikes you as not feminine and perhaps outrageous. Perhaps so, but let me describe some of the LASTING benefits that flow out of the instinctive* side of human nature.

  1. He will be shocked and become more in awe of you and your internal strength. It earns respect.
  2. Should you marry, the influence of that moment will last forever. It earns respect. (A woman should restrict herself to about a half-dozen of such dramatic and purposely designed encounters in a lifetime marriage. More is to lose the beneficial effects.)
  3. Your emphatic verbalization will surprise him and turn him against earning or deserving it again. It earns respect.
  4. You will shape your relationship such that he either departs or stays welded for life to his fear of your anger which you just presented without anger. It earns respect and will keep him wary of his behaviors that may cause your anger.
  5. He will remember the look on your face, and every time he sees it in the future, you will have his undivided attention. (Unless you overuse it.)
  6. If your relationship breaks up, other guys will hear not about your sexual status as much as about your willingness to shake up their composure if they say wrong things, and not just about your history. Only guys who want you badly enough will man up, so half of your screening job is done. (Oh, you may miss out on a few dates, but those you do have should be with better quality—or at least more courageous—guys.)
  7. You set the stage for successfully negotiating to your favor just what submission means if you marry him.
  8. Out of those multiple infusions of respect, enduring love can grow. It’s the kind needed to sustain a couple after romantic love fades in a year or two.
  9. Men seek to marry a strong woman. You just made your foundation obvious and the word will spread. More importantly, you just made yourself a more courageous and probably a better woman.
  10. You make a significant investment in turning your relationship into one for the long term.

You accomplished all that by conquering your cautious intuition and mustering your hard-headed courage to put an end to badgering, which you neither deserve nor want to tolerate. Such a strong stand helps prepare you for other strong stands you will need as you pass through this ‘veil of tears’ (in Appalachian lingo).

You will learn from his reactions if he’s Mr. GoodEnough or not, which makes the final result the consequence of your actions.

——

* Instinctive as inherited at birth. Intuitive as from lessons learned in life.

 

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2171. Mid-life Dating — C6: Internal Burnout aka Bowel Distress


Surprise, ladies. I can’t hazard a guess of how many, but some of you may not be healthy enough for uninterrupted dates. So, I hereby stick my neck into an arena for which I’m unqualified by normal standards. I admit the chivalry articles partially inspired this opinion piece.

Disclosures:

  • You’ll think I’m crazy, but stick around for a highly unusual and perhaps controversial or perhaps worthless example of What Women Never Hear.
  • I’m neither a medical doctor nor other medical professional. However, I’ve studied human nature and motivation for 64 years. The following describes my analysis of bad habits of thought and emotion that lead to poor body functioning, specifically that which leads to frequent bowel disturbances.
  • I neither understand nor describe the process that happens. I just identify likely causes of adverse bowel functioning that plague some men and women. I leave the details to medical professionals, while I focus on causes and the behavioral changes that can relieve discomfort.
  • Let me know what you think. Those of you or who know someone with continual bowel distress, see if I am pretty close to identifying your or their causal habits. Everything is relative and nothing is precise.

Our physical condition is a function of what we eat. Our body functions are impacted, sometimes severely, by the result of how we feel and think about emotional matters. The following causes ‘internal burnout’, the result of special kinds of anxiety, to which I attribute bowel disturbances.

I choose self-image as the concept around which to explain causes. Self-image, the picture we each have of ourselves, governs our lives. We assiduously live within that picture of who we are and what we do, can do, and expect to do. We are motivated to pursue our self-interest, and our self-image contains our guiding beliefs and juggles our emotions to match our pursuit. If we fall out of line with it, or in effect contradict our self-image, we correct or rationalize deviations. We see normal functioning in this truism: If you think you can, you can, and you act accordingly. If you think you can’t, you’re right, and so you choose to do something else.

While it can’t be called faulty, some people’s self-image interferes with the proper functioning of their bodies. That’s where this is headed. What might the causes be of the symptoms that adversely disturb bowel functions?

Let’s look at it under four headings.

  1. Internalizing. We should all know about this factor that plagues both introverts and extroverts. Many people focus too much on themselves. Their thoughts turn inward with personal concerns. They focus mostly on negative functions; they worry, agonize, and find faults in relationships, jobs, and their body. Thoughts such as, this ain’t right, that doesn’t work right, that hurts a little, it could be serious, and what am I to do? And worst of all, they focus far too much on things and about people they can do nothing about. Such as, how do I make someone like me? How do I impress them? How do I hide my bad side? How can I help someone, when I have the same fault?

Some people are so vulnerable to internalizing that it consumes their spare time. It causes them to fall prey to stirred-up emotions and hormones, enzymes, and digestive juices in excessive doses that act almost as if foreign to one’s GI tract and connected functions. It’s not what they internalize so much as too much of it. Not good, but then most of us have learned about the repercussions of too much worry, and so nothing new in all that. It’s just my recap of what too much internalizing leads to.

  1. Guilt. Women live continually with guilt. Much of it reminds of their bad side, which stirs certain guilt to plague their spare time. Their focus on it intensifies by internalizing about their relationships.

Men are less prone. Their guilt swings mostly around their actions and independence. Guilt doesn’t make them bad, it stirs them to action. I’m not good enough, or I should do better; I have to try harder. Or, how do I handle that SOB or hide my cheating? A man’s sense of independence disconnects others from his guilt; he’s more a loner to relieve it. He can more easily than women take action that relieves guilt. Women have no such ‘easy release’ because their guilt is tied to someone else; they’re less independent.

  1. Judging. This is new ground for readers. People don’t naturally talk along these lines. Too personal, too descriptive of our personal motivation, which is not usually a discussable subject. You may find yourself uncomfortable.

We judge and it takes place in two ways. Part of the shaping of our self-image is judging ourselves. It’s usually not much of a contribution to internal burnout, because natural pressures push us and sense of independence enables us to do something about it. (Example: I have to lose weight, dress more attractively, smile more, get a better job, give spouse more attention.) We are the only ones involved with fixing whatever we judge to need it. Action displaces disappointed emotions, and so we learn to either fix or accept and live with the rest. Internalizing about it usually does not make us sick.

But some people make themselves sick by ‘comparison shopping’. That is, judging themselves relative to others.

We are always in the process of judging others; it’s required for our own safety. For some, it gets out of hand. It’s an irresistible urge for all of us. But those vulnerable to internal burnout find themselves excessively wanting or lacking. It self-demeans their worth and belittles their picture of themselves.

Such people fuss with themselves. Not to work on recovery, but to stew about comparative shortcomings that can’t be fixed. Stewing takes less courage and steadfastness than to change habits, create different beliefs, develop new behaviors, or just take actions that keep one busy enough to divert attention from internal stewing.

They find themselves unhappy with what they do, want to do, or can do. Their self-image shrinks relative to others, while their self-interest urges them to do better. Confusion exacerbates anxiety, which invites more stewing.

  1. Image Projection. There are two kinds to be covered, do it for yourself or for others.

a) Imagine one’s abilities and qualities to be different for the sole purpose of pleasing oneself. (I suggest the book The Magic of Thinking Big.) You can become a much better, powerful, influential person without inducing illness. The difference is this. You have to do it for no one but yourself.

b) Do it for others and you can too easily induce illness. Some people develop their behaviors and habits in order to generate an image to others that just isn’t what’s in their hearts. They don’t have to be phony or out to fool people so much as to convince themselves of who they are or want to be relative to others. They worry constantly even if they are being successful. They just want to be better instead of somebody definite, so there is no end to their internalizing about it.

Essentially, they are wannabes, such as women to be prettier or more important, guys to be more respected or admirable, alphas to be easily recognized as such, or who they really are as person to be hidden. Their internal problems come from this phenomenon; they set an objective, which is a process without an end, and so they manage progress, which induces internalizing, which impacts their gut.

Too much internalizing of emotional issues, excessive guilt, unproductive judging, and convincing others of one’s qualities cause internal burnout. Deliberately change your actions and you change your feelings. Deliberately change your feelings and you change your thinking and vice versa. Deliberately change your behaviors and you change your habits. Deliberately change them all and you can calm if not end bowel disturbances and malfunctioning. Then, you’re healthier for mid-life dating.

Deliberately changing oneself is very difficult for men. Not so for women, whom I advise this way. Change first to quit thinking in parallel with or emulating man-think and masculine values, standards, and expectations. If you return to specialize in your feminine nature, you can more easily and deliberately change the makeup of your beliefs and emotions in ways that are healthier.

Finally, there’s even a simpler way. When believers sin they can take it to the Lord and be forgiven. When people disappoint others, they seek forgiveness from the disappointed or offended. However, too many people can’t forgive themselves; they don’t think they deserve it. It intensifies their internalizing, which almost automatically stops with true forgiveness of oneself. Whether through the Lord or self, forgiveness generates better health.

 

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2164. Dating in Mid-life — Part C2: Dating Woman’s Manifesto


Turn on your grins, ladies. I know you can’t or won’t follow what I suggest below. I offer it as the fun side of preparating for mid-life dating. It describes what a woman should get clear between her and date before she falls prey to his charm or her infatuation and desire for next date. Every potential date should be exposed to a woman’s standards.

I know it’s far too direct for your taste. However, I view it as the ideal way to make dropouts of those primarily chasing sex, and throw up challenges for the guys truly interested in you. The former will be shocked and retreat. The latter will fall back, recover from their discomfort, compose themselves, revise their thinking, and begun to pursue you earnestly.

Were I in your shoes and asked for a first date, I would simply pass the following in a note and tell him to call me in a week.

  1. Promptness signifies respect. Tardiness signifies that your convenience outweighs my importance. Tsk, tsk.
  2. You pay or we don’t play. If not fair, who is to care?
  3. I don’t go to yours or anyone’s apartment, and we won’t spend time in mine for awhile.
  4. I will be home by midnight except for formal events that may run over. Barhopping isn’t formal.
  5. I don’t kiss like in TV and flicks. If we get there, be sure to kiss tenderly and affectionately. Kiss as a compliment rather than faux passionately to impress me. Or else, keep lips and tongue to yourself.
  6. We both have A.D.D. Mine is affection deficit disorder. Yours is affection delivery disorder. Mine is incurable. Yours is self-curable.
  7. Erogenous zones are accessible by invitation only.
  8. Men are never more handsome than when pleasing a lady.
  9. Of course I like you. Do you think I’d be giving you this if I didn’t?
  10. I don’t want a Mr. Right. You may, however, turn out to be Mr. Good Enough. Willing to try?
  11. Incidentally, no ring, no booty.
  12. Still interested? If you need more info than my phone number (xxx-xxx-xxxx), we are not compatible enough for the date you just requested.

Think: How effective would your screening and dating have been if it were used earlier in life?

By now you should be alternately laughing yourself silly and wishing that you were brave enough to do it. You see the merit but it’s so contrary to both your experience and nature.

Here’s the real message for dating: You should early-on convey your standards to your dates. Don’t leave them wondering. They will follow their instinct and intuition and you will find yourself overwhelmed with situations you can’t resolve to your advantage without paying too big a price.

This is one of the more fun posts I’ve written. I dreamed it last night and typed the rough at 2am. I continue to enjoyably imagine the awkwardness women would have passing such a manifesto to a dating prospect. I’m still grinning big time. You should be too.

 

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2163. Dating in Mid-life — Part C1: Improve Vision of Self


You no doubt are a good person, woman, and potential date. Make yourself better before the mirror, however, and three dramatic changes follow. 1) You like yourself better, which enables you to internalize less and associate more easily and likeably. 2) Your attractive likeability enlarges in the eyes of men. 3) You increase your worth as a potential mate. Then the hard work begins; you have more men to screen for Mr. Good Enough.

Mid-life dating is not what you expect. Your normal expectations base it on age-adjusted wishes, hopes, and dreams held over from girlhood. Such as, you deserve this, you promise that, you can love again, you can make a man happy. But four possible weaknesses are embedded there.

  1. What you think you deserve is of little interest to a guy, until he confirms or figures it out that you are respected—as person, woman, and roles you can imaginatively fill in his life—and, therefore, may deserve his attention and loyalty.
  2. Your words of promise mean little or nothing. They might make him feel good for awhile, but your actions are what he perceives as promising to brighten his life. Actions work better than words to hold him. (But don’t go overboard to impress him or suck up. Be relatively cool and perhaps a little standoffish. Make him work to attract you to him. He and not you should show eagerness. You’re the buyer and have to make him the seller.)
  3. Your love does not hold a man. He may see promise in it, which might help you capture him. But your actions that flow out of your love and satisfy him are the ones that keep him interested in you more than just as a sex object. (For example, making yourself pleasant, comforting, and perhaps even entertaining just to be around. Divert his mind away from his single life.)
  4. Men are not interested in being happy as you think of it, e.g., upbeat and joyful. Their counterpart to your happiness is just plain old unemotional satisfaction with themselves. Men should see capturing you as a great accomplishment. They pursue self-admiration out of which grows an endless stream of satisfaction with who they are and what they do. So, exploiting their energy is supposed to earn admiration and satisfaction. Multiplying their satisfaction brings significance. Is that important? Well, their greatest fear is loss of significance, so not earning satisfaction associating with you must be disappointing.

Tune up your mind before you tune up your heart. He’s not into dating or a relationship because you need him, are lonely, can please him regularly, or even that you can or do love him. He dates and continues a relationship with you because he earns self-admiration, determines that your actions signify loyalty to who he is and what he does, and all that leads to his self-satisfaction.

Setting aside for the moment his desire to conquer you, in your presence he feels comfortable. He finds you likeable and fun to be around, respects you, admires himself for having you ‘belong’ to him. When not in your presence, he enjoys more whatever he’s doing, thinks of you and smiles, finds self-admiration more easily at his work because his spirit lifts with thoughts of you. Such small emotional uplifts satisfy him that he’s right for associating with you. It’s not your love that will capture and hold him, but your attention to the details that provide those small uplifts and prove your loyalty to him and his life. Men believe what they figure out by  themselves. (Your rewards come later and sometimes much later.)

Also, you should be aiming at all that on the first face-to-face encounter. If such recognitions are resident in your heart—that is, you know who you are, who he is likely to be, and what you will deliver to and accept from him—then you’re ready to be invited into the dating arena.

Three of your features prompt first date invitations. Your sexual attractiveness, your emotional attractiveness/likeable appearance, and your sense of importance to yourself out of which reflects an attitude that men find interesting. Younger men want to see an attitude of sexual promise. Middle age men are attracted by prospects of endearing associations that enable them to try again, reinvent their lives, or recover from past mistakes. Elders mostly long for a good woman aka comfortable companion or vice versa.

Out of all those are the unique men you should find most appealing for your relationship hopes. Looking for weaknesses to get you into bed, they are surprised to discover mystery, modesty, femininity, monogamous loyalty, female uniqueness, and other qualities they can admire aka virtues. Which makes you virtuous and men want to marry a virtuous woman. IOW, they find so many virtues that they can’t refuse you and you get to choose to buy the most qualified guy who matches your expectations. Admittedly, it may take a lot of dates for all that to unfold.

From the get go, be prepared and know how you will handle your infatuation that may appear even late in life. Not with teen intensity but enough that it clouds your reason and judgment. Remember, there is no Mr. Right until you have lived with him for many years and he morphs toward what you dreamed of. Today, you should look for Mr. Good Enough.

NOTE for you younger ladies. If you get accused of being a prude or old fashioned, study article 1708. You can use it to make men uncomfortable, which will change the behavior of those interested primarily in you.

Next is about planning. Tomorrow at #2164.

 

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Filed under courtship, feminine, sex differences