Category Archives: feminine

2801. Wifely Leadership — 11: As Women Lead Men — VI


Successful wives as relationship leaders initiate demands with subordinates and discussions with seniors to both set beliefs and change opinions. The following are more suggested examples worded quite differently from how readers would use them to fit their husbands and situations.

The following are some of the keys to unlock sensitive conditions that will likely arrive someday, and can be worked out with good discussions ahead of time. They are leadership opportunities for wife, and she talks here.

41. When both parents can give permission to children, kids learn to play one against the other. It’s natural and inspired by a child’s desire to get its way. But it plays havoc with my leadership when you unnecessarily substitute for or overrule me. Unless it’s not practical to reach me for permission, I ask that you defer and refer to me their questions seeking permission. To make yourself look good to them weakens my ability to raise them effectively into mature adults. How? Effectively having two bosses encourages them to spend non-productive time figuring out how to get something from you instead of earning it from me.

42. My ability to keep you satisfied depends on my success liking myself, who I am and what I’m doing. If I’m moaning, complaining, and generally in a state of confusion, it means I’ve lost the ability to like myself doing what I’m supposed to be doing. So, you play a major role in keeping me liking myself, and I appreciate it if you learn to read me more effectively.

43. Our differences make better marital glue than do our likenesses. But that’s a matter of opinion, and we can explore each other more adroitly if we discuss it.

44. Popularity is a hallmark among groups; personal competence is the hallmark among individuals. I much prefer the latter for our children. In the world of mature adults, competence outperforms popularity. It pays more too.

45. Women are born to be good; men are born capable of doing good. I must do good to be good. If I step on your toes trying to do good, forgive me until we can work out a suitable solution. Harmony in the home is my best way of doing good. I’m hopeful you will join me.

46. Women are famous for saying, I just want to be loved. Generally, men think about sex and whatever romance is required. They don’t know how extensive is the love women expect, so I will describe what usually works. Niceness, pleasantness, kindness, forgiveness, attention, affection, intimacy, support, respect in all the roles I fulfill, authority to make decisions, recognition of effort, praise for results.

47. Mother love is unconditional and mating love should be, but it’s not. Unconditional means no reasons arise that cause love to weaken. Weakened love turns conditional and depends on what you or I or someone else does. Unconditional mating love from me depends on unconditional respect from you.

The road to wifely leadership is paved with responsibility. Each family member knows clearly what they are responsible for, and they are held closely to that standard by the mom and wife. Examples: Husband’s job is his alone. He maintains the outside and wife maintains inside of the home. Girls are responsible to make themselves appear made up and pretty first thing each morning and help with breakfast. Boys are responsible for their rooms, tasks outside the home, and NOT to interfere with anyone else’s responsibility. No one goes topless at the dinner table, shirts required to eat her food. Many other chores and responsibilities exist and someone should assign each to one person, although several may do the same thing; e.g., table manners, help mom on request. However many ways wife can dissect the needs of operating a home satisfactorily for her husband, she should do so. And then rule over her domain with a loving but firm iron hand; see to it routinely that everyone does what he or she is supposed to do.

Wife and mom should start the process and make it habitual in toddler’s eyes, before they learn that peers don’t have to do such things.

This remains my favorite way to assign responsibility and supervise how well the parents are doing. Two roles for each but they have only one boss in each role. Wife reports to husband; she’s responsible to satisfy him with herself and their living together. Mom reports to herself as wife; she’s responsible to recognize that husband supervises wife and not her as mother. Father reports to mom as support and assistance for raising children; he’s primarily responsible for fun and entertainment with kids. Children report only to mother, and she’s responsible to ensure that kids have only one boss, herself.

There’s a great drawback. Women avoid assuming responsibility for fear of making mistakes. But you see, if they determine who’s responsible and supervise closely until habitual, they minimize mistakes. If she’s the boss, she decides just what are mistakes.

I close this series with a vital thought. The more powerful husband appears as ruler of his wife, the more powerful he appears to other family members. The less she calls on him for help or punishment of kids, the more powerful both parents appear as threats and thereby discourage disobedience.

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2800. Wifely Leadership — 10: As Women Lead Men — V (Revised)


Whether you lady readers are married or shacked up, you’re certain that you’ve generated and are managing a successful relationship. You’re not ready to change for fear of…? That’s okay. Many people prefer the certainty of misery to the uncertainty of change. However, greater pleasures exist for wives who assert their leadership potential.

Responsibility determines that one leads and everyone else follows. So, whatever responsibilities wife assigns herself as both wife and mom, it makes followers of the whole family. That distinction also shapes what each family member believes and, consequently, shapes their attitude.

Now, it’s easy for wives to claim, Oh, I could never do that, never bring up and talk about such subjects as those listed below. Yet, later she can fight deliberately when energized to cover her mistakes or blame or criticize husband’s wrong doing. The suggestions listed below aim to prevent such arguments by reaching agreement ahead of time and shaping family attitudes to relate well together; it can prevent unproductive arguments and ill feelings that arise later.

Mastering the art of making one person responsible helps immensely when dealing with children; they benefit from having only one boss on matters that concern them directly. If husband goes along well with wife’s marital decisions, she must be doing almost everything right.

Being the king, husbands find it desirable to wield their authority, demonstrate their privilege to rule, and let everyone know that they rule. The most effective way to convince others of their power, however, is to delegate authority such that they never have to use theirs. The threat thus becomes stronger than the use of power.

Here are more suggestions. Wife is written in first person, and husband in second.

31. Husbands figure that foreplay is romance, so playing around physically or smoochingly is romantic. OTOH, romance confirms that I as wife am both worthy and important to you, and detailed demonstrations are highly satisfying. I also view you as responsible to separate romance and foreplay into a two-phase mixture of pleasure of company together and excitement that follows it.

32. If I’m not worth a little romancing now and then, I’m not worth much as a wife to myself, in which case I’m not easy to live with. So if I’m not easy to live with, you may have fallen behind in your romancing. To make up for it is to bring hero-worship back into my habits.

33. Even when I know I’m right, you’re responsible for determining the best course of action on matters requiring immediate resolution. I will advise responsibly, but you have to decide.

34. You’re responsible to provide me with intimate confirmations of my importance and worth to you. Cuddling and sweet talk at bedtime works very well but by no means exclusively.

35. As kingpin in our family, you’re the final authority on matters of morality and religion. If you wish to abdicate those concepts, I ask that you authorize me to guide the family in those directions, you excepted of course.

36. If child’s present behavior is bad in public, I’m responsible and not the child; I should have taught better. So, turn your complaints over to me and I will prevent next time.

37. I may fail a few times before I get something right. I ask for your understanding and forgiveness ahead of time; I’m still a work in progress of satisfying you with your life with me.

38. We shall both love our in-laws or fake it so well no one knows the difference including each other. It may be frustrating, but everyone has to learn to live with what they can do nothing about. In-laws deserve for us to try harder.

39. We will regularly remind ourselves of who and what we live up to that is above ourselves. As we do it, we turn ourselves into better individuals.

40. We are all self-developers. It’s why I as mom expect to discipline the kids softly so as not to weaken their attention or discourage their passion. It’s right for me to see that they might have been momentarily distracted, not less worthy.

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2798. Wifely Leadership — 08: As Women Lead Men — III


I continue to list ideas for wives to exploit in order to gain influence in their marital relationship.

Neither completeness, perfection, nor total agreement is the goal. Informing husband, accepting her responsibilities, and gaining agreement about wife-sensitive issues is the objective. It’s vital that neither side be perceived as wrong in these discussions.

A wife needs to verbalize each item her own way. It needs to fit in with her marital arrangements without offending husband; otherwise he’ll go on the defensive and not cooperate.

Any wife is the ‘I’ who speaks below, and ‘you’ is her husband. To the extent wife initiates such discussions and husband cooperates, she succeeds as a marital leader. The suggestions continue.

11. As a woman, I’m inclined toward making everything equal. As a man, you’re inclined to make everything come out fair. We’re born differently, so can we agree to recognize that each is entitled to represent and defend his or her own view based on that contrast? That is, without begrudging it in each other. We’ll be more successful as mates if I act more like a woman and you more like a man.

12. We are not equal in anything except before the law. We each have our own responsibilities, but I need help more often than you, if I’m to keep you satisfied. All voluntary help is appreciated. My requests for help will be with smile and good attitude; I hope your responses are the same; it’s very important to me.

13. You’re responsible to make or approve decisions about our respective responsibilities. First step: What don’t you want to be responsible for? It’s the same for mutually shared responsibility, such as budgeting, finances, major purchases, investment opportunities. I can’t expect perfection, just satisfaction that you’re on top of things.

14. I ask that I be made the senior and ruling member of the child-raising team and responsible for discipline. I ask that you fill two roles. My back up as husband and support as father responsible for fun and entertainment. If you don’t like their behavior or something else, don’t complain to or correct the kid except in emergency. Let me deal with him or her. Depend on me and I will keep you satisfied. In the meantime, show the kids how great dad is for satisfying their itch for fun, games, close association, and personal development. I intend to raise boys in your image and girls in mine.

15. You are the final authority behind my need to discipline the children. The threat is more effective than the use. The less often you’re involved, the less need for punishment, which means that I’ve got discipline working just fine. If I need you to punish, then I’ve done something wrong and am responsible to fix it quickly. I’m responsible to raise our kids to be nothing but a pleasure to you. I expect to never come crying to you about them.

16. Just as we adults remain throughout life, our toddlers start out as self-developers. As parents, we owe the world mature adults more than good children. Parental obligation supports self-development more than making them popular or ideal kids for others to judge. Consequently, I expect to guide them through moral issues, calm their anxieties, help lift them over uncertainties, strengthen their characters, and build a strong work ethic. With you as backup for punishment and support of my decisions, we can focus on what produces maturity rather than letting them drift toward adolescent peer pressure. That is, respectable kids who in the long run outshine and outdo the popular ones.

17. Whether I or we predominantly raise the kids, I ask that you support this family policy that I expect to use. As soon as the conscious mind opens in the third year, they will be affirmingly respected as a person, boy or girl, and later in their various roles as responsible family members. Examples: Your toddlers learn to save and earn respect. Son is trusted as the mower of our lawn and outside earner of money. Your daughter learns to be trusted as kitchen operator and highly feminine helper of others, such as babysitter for neighbors.

18. If our dreams differ about how the children should turn out as adults, we need to discuss and come to some agreement before they gain the wrong foothold in self-development. My belief is that chores and early responsibility produce maturity, and the lack thereof promotes immaturity. Both sexes grow up best by earning their way before puberty with more and more responsibilities assigned slightly ahead of whatever maturity they have reached.

19. As mother, my immediate boss is myself as wife. As head of household, you married wife and not mother. So, you rightly expect me as wife to satisfy you directly after satisfying myself about my performance as mother. IOW, regardless of how great I am as mom, my burden to satisfy you as wife tops it.

20. A highly productive household condition is that everyone has only one boss. Children report to mother, father reports to mother for fun and entertainment of kids, mother reports to wife as responsible for raising kids, and wife reports to husband that all goes well in his kingdom.

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2796. Wifely Leadership — 06: As Wives Lead Husbands— I


Men know how to live their own lives, even after they marry. However, it’s the wife who brings them into a good life together with mutual satisfaction.

Women can read men but the opposite isn’t true. Oh, a man can acknowledge that his woman is upset or angry, but her inner feelings, subtle anxieties, and suppressed attitudes escape him. The mature woman tries to keep her deeper feelings to herself, but she faces situations that so easily hurt her. This series aims at making husband a better reader of her emotional conditions and more appreciative of what she needs to galvanize her mindset for more harmony in the home.

I am building a list of examples of how wives can communicate better, shape husband’s thinking to make her life easier, and arrange for husband to think more compatibly.

Wife doesn’t have to perform perfectly. She does best by preventing or eliminating challenges to her female sensibility, before they grow or emerge unexpectedly. She has only to keep him satisfied with who she is as the yolk and what she does with the egg white part of marriage.

In the course of courtship, engagement, and early marriage, I propose that wives purposely negotiate agreement on the many issues they face now and later. There are no right answers but this: Both parties agree to live up to the agreements they work out before the fact. Formally, I call it negotiation, but quite often it’s merely a way to exchange how each other feels about sensitive issues.

Wife anticipates issues arising that husband never can, regardless of his good intentions or promises. Unless she has an attitude soured by lack of respect for men, each wife has the ability to improve compatibility and brighten her future by informing hubby how to better read and interpret her.

I don’t do rules, but this time I must because I’m proposing simple exercises in communicating better. The purpose of what follows below is three-fold. 1) Teach husband how to read her better, 2) talk out the subject before or prevent blame or guilt arriving on the scene, 3) reach mutual understanding without promises.

Wives should follow these rules to keep discussions from rising to disagreement. The purpose is to inform and reach mutual understanding about how she operates or intends to conduct the affairs of home.

  • She bases all discussions on how the sexes differ, not how he or she is displeased with the other.
  • She neither blames nor criticizes during discussions.
  • She talks around rather than about current problems.
  • She accepts volunteered promises but neither requires nor expects fulfillment. (Promises pulled from someone are unreliable by nature; only those prompted by self without pressure can be relied upon and not always them either.)

She leads when she brings up discussion matters that pleasantly breed agreement without pressure, complaint, criticism, or blame. It’s the agreements by which they develop common mindsets and by which they will live in the future. Those below are just a few of what wives need to cover if they want to gain influence, lead affirmingly, get their way more often, and thereby make their relationship more compatible and successful.

The following are neither rules nor absolutes; they are ideas around which women lead when they initiate, discuss, and gain mutual agreement or at least understanding of both spouses. Each wife has to accept the context as valid and needful, and then phrase the content in her own words.

In these examples, she’s speaking and discussion is invited and likely follows (or she approached him poorly).

Could you initiate these talks with your husband? Do it respectfully, directly or indirectly? Could you stimulate understanding or work out agreements for each other? If you can, the following is a shipload of trade offs that breeds peace, pleasantness, and trustworthiness that serve as seeds of harmony in the home; love is simply never enough.

  1. It’s easier for men to respect than trust women. It’s easier for women to trust men than respect them. We both are responsible to make life easier. So, the more I trust you, the more I respect you. The more you respect me, the more you can trust me. It encourages us to live up to each other, which motivates us to be better individuals.
  2. Our marriage is no better than how we divide it into individual and mutual responsibilities and fulfill each to the satisfaction of each other. Example: You take care of the cars and outside of the house. I’ll take care of inside the house and raise our kids. My work ahead includes assigning responsibilities to myself and the children. You already know your responsibilities.
  3. I know you would never start something at which you expect to fail. It means you need to be responsible for our marriage or else you can’t prevent failure. Know this: I’m responsible to help you do that. You should let me know directly if I’m off track or singing in the wrong key that in anyway weakens your responsibility.

The list continues next. I request comments if you think these are impossible or impractical initiative for wives.

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2795. Wifely Leadership — 05: As Women Enter Marriage


Out of the inborn male nature, these ‘grenades’ await wives as they begin marriage. She may not know how, why, or when she pulls the pin.

  • Her love didn’t win him, her sex won’t keep him.
  • Femininity attracts, Feminism detracts.
  • Men appreciate what they earn and remain devoted to the most likeable.

A man’s primal self-expectation in life is to keep himself satisfied with himself and with whomever he’s doing what he’s doing. Wife need not be perfect; she was closest to perfect when he proposed. Mrs. Good Enough need only keep husband satisfied with himself that he chose rightly.

Mrs. Good Enough exploits the vacant leadership role. And you say, “vacant?” Yes, she’s entitled to as big a leadership role as she can earn with well discussed agreements that promote hubby’s satisfaction with her and their life together. Details later.

Soon after romantic love fades in a year or two, a wife faces the reality that husband doesn’t quite fit her mold as she imagined. Their marriage is okay but not as she envisioned it. He’s just not completely the husband she expected. Unable to make marriage match her dreams, it frustrates her. His married mind, which held so much promise before, can’t keep up with fulfilling her dreams, intentions, and expectations of who and what he and they should be.

If she pressures him at all, his focus turns elsewhere and perhaps away from her, their pre-marital interests become less mutual, and a gap spreads in their relationship. Thus, she misguides two biased and perhaps selfish leaders who ought to work hard and together to remain compatible.

He should rule overall but her leadership keeps him satisfied they do the right thing together. So, any of her wishes are best fulfilled when subordinated to his remaining satisfied living with her.

You heard it here before. Men are passive members in a relationship, regardless of how they strut their authority as kingpin. Only women can manage a relationship successfully, and relationships get very complex soon after marriage.

Moreover, their living in the present makes changes more noticeable. By her living in the present but primarily for the future, patience enables her to more slowly rearrange whatever expectations and agreements exist, whether verbalized, silent, or implied.

Wives confirm their leadership role and stir the marital relationship to success, when they use responsibility as arbiter, dominator, and source of individual power. For example, early on but in routine fashion wife seeks his agreement on this: Anger aimed at self is okay, aimed at others is to be avoided. Nothing wrong, it doesn’t seem right for our marriage. Agree?

The HOW of all that follows.

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2793. Wifely Leadership — 03: As Men Enter Marriage


A man has three primal urges re marriage: Sex for the sake of conquest, work that provides satisfaction, and a woman with whom he shares his interest and is likely to find satisfaction with himself for doing what and with whom he’s doing it.

Men expect to be directly responsible for certain things; e.g., job, car, hobby, income, finances, daily recovery after work, entertainment, certain other matters and habits, plus some level of independence. In effect, he enables wife to handle everything else. It’s easy to model the masculine view, but it also turns off women until they realize what the feminine model looks like; it comes later.

Think of marriage as an egg in three parts. Husband is the shell. His personality, dominance, and direct responsibilities harden it against wife or anyone else cracking or destabilizing his sense of self-respect, self-worth, self-interest, self-image, and marital permanency.

Wife is the yolk; she’s well nestled, wrapped, and protected from outside intrusion, but the protective white surrounding her consists of a multitude of responsibilities that she’s expected to handle successfully. It’s one of God’s blessings; she protects herself best by fulfilling the responsibilities that both surround and worry her most. Things that also serve and protect husband from worrying about his marriage so that he can maximize opportunities and minimize threats outside the home.

Simplified, he owns both her and their marriage. He expects her to do what he can’t, which is to prevent squeaky wheels that require oil or grease, because he has no talent for lubricating relationships.

Except for caring for herself personally as the yolk, the egg white represents the other responsibilities she fulfills to keep husband satisfied with her. IOW, he married the yolk to keep the white fluffed into something very satisfying to him about her. Her performance depends on one thing outside herself, which is keeping him satisfied with himself that he was right to settle down with her.

And you say: No way would I assent to such a demeaning and potentially depressing role. To which I say, it only appears demeaning because it’s deliberately one sided. In the end, both the reality and practicality favor wives, unless they use the male view to accuse and blame men as enemies of women.

Wives can better understand how to get what they want out of a marriage with a  forthcoming article about the feminine way of looking at marriage and with the following truisms in mind:

  1. Wife and husband are in constant competition. Each wants their own way with the other, except as female love, her cooperative spirit, and manly devotion cause one to yield to the other.
  2. Women learn early in life that when they truly want to have their way with a man, cooperation works better than competition. Men won’t compete with a conquered woman and, if regularly pushed to do so after marriage, will seek to escape.
  3. She’s driven to be important to herself, he’s driven to admire his accomplishments. Cooperation nurtures both, whereas competition takes both off target.
  4. Men deal primarily in the present and husbands expect to get their way with present-day problems. Women focus primarily on the future and wives expect to get their way eventually.
  5. God created or Nature made us able to mate compatibly with the opposite sex. However, a woman’s love won’t win a man, and her sex won’t keep him. Wives have few options to sustain compatibility, unless they face the reality of the male nature and how men are motivated.
  6. Women face the reality of male dominance with the hope of defeating it. They can’t, but they are hugely endowed with ability to outwit, outsmart, and outmaneuver his dominant spirit with wifely leadership. If women can’t win, they can harness competitors to produce what wives desire.
  7. Women are primarily processors and men are producers. Life and marriage are processes, which makes wives more qualified to govern a couple’s life together. Wives just need to learn how to master and overcome obstructions described in this model of how men view marriage. They have the ability but too often lack the incentive.
  8. Women are born inquisitive enough to want to understand men and how to treat them and thus minimize social and domestic hostility. Men are not talented that way; they can function successfully as mates and still proclaim, One can never understand a woman.

More of the man’s view of marriage is next. Following that, the woman’s role as wifely leader begins under this title, How Women View Marriage.

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2792. Wifely Leadership — 02: Her First Hurdle


NOTE: In the last post I said your puzzlement will clear beginning with next post, namely this one. However, it’s not to be, the clearer air I intended is delayed another day.

——

Whatever a man believes is the starting point for his wife to indirectly exert her influence; aka wifely leadership. However, she can’t change him. She has to uncover new ways for him to think, accept, and value differently a multitude of problematic matters. She does it best when she anticipates what’s coming and influences him beforehand. She gets his buy-in to either her way or negotiated settlements aimed at avoiding damage from what she foresees coming down the marital pike. Her first hurdle, however, originates in the male nature.

Marriage has a surprise beginning. Women don’t recognize how to turn these mysterious factors to their advantage. When a man proposes marriage, the male nature imports five hidden concepts about which much is subliminal.

  1. Whatever it is, he believes his love is sufficient. Conquest proved that he owns her. Unless fully devoted to her beyond the normal, he acts no differently to please her requests for more attention, affection, support, etc.
  2. He believes her expressions of love will signal her satisfaction with him and continually confirm her likeability and loyalty to him.
  3. He believes his love of her is genuine as she is now, and he expects her not to change. His nature doesn’t allow him to love a woman different from the original without assessing her according to the seven conditions of masculine love: his respect of her, his devotion, her likeability, her loyalty, his likeability to her, his loyalty to her, and his conclusion that he loves her truly.
  4. He believes married life for him will be the continuation of his single life (but she expects him to change and he won’t). He meets his marital obligations to the extent his devotion to her keeps him satisfied with himself.
  5. His nature avoids doing anything at which he expects to fail. So, if he isn’t fully responsible for their marriage, he believes he’s not sufficiently in charge to prevent failure. Challenging his sense of full responsibility weakens his sense of duty, which discourages his motivational force to do what’s right for her.

When we do what we believe, we do what is right—for us at that moment. Wives can’t get their man to change. They can only influence his thinking—and do it indirectly and patiently—to look at life’s problems before they happen. Living primarily in the future more than the present, it’s a piece of cake for the future-oriented, planning-capable, well-intentioned wife dedicated to keeping husband responsible for marital success, aka no separation.

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