Category Archives: feminine

2559. Ten Steps to Win a Man’s Heart— Step 12: He Needs Keeping Too


Twelfth Step. Winning a man’s heart is only the beginning, there’s the challenge of keeping it.

Both sexes are born to get their way dealing with others. He deserves it. She needs it. That sex difference governs the way to keep his heart for life. As both dominator and competitor, he expects to have his way with her. She keeps nudging his fighting spirit away from self-centeredness and toward ultimately matching her cooperative tone for living together. Doing so enables getting her way in matters important to her.

He expects the winner of his heart to have virtues that other women lack. He wants a woman like no other and perhaps much different from how she views herself. So, to win and keep his heart, she needs to shine more uniquely in his eyes than he shines in hers. Since he’s more particular, he resists change. She’s more flexible, which means she can change to get her way more often and better.

Who and what she is as a feminine star is more important than who he is as potential mate. In the final analysis, the way to both winning and keeping a man’s heart depends on who she is internally more than what she does externally. (Late in married life, their roles reverse, but that is another story.)

To close and depart the series, I offer this opinion. By far and away the most successful marriages work like this. He’s the boss but he doesn’t have to compete with wife to get his way. She makes cooperation shine so effectively that she also gets her way often enough to be encouraged, and he learns to respect her so sufficiently for her success that he morphs toward cooperation as best for them. It’s how she ultimately puts herself in charge of their relationship with his acceptance and ultimate approval.

She gets her way like this. If he expects to get his way, she doesn’t want her specific way at that time; the future bodes best for her. With feminine flexibility (max flex as we call it in my family) she figures she can maneuver around or modify his way to adequately fit her interest.

Temper, raised voices, and anger initiate and typify competition. When wife is so smooth and cooperative that she and husband always reach some mutual agreement rather than individual way; respect for her grows, competitive emotions arise less often, and husband responds willingly and favorably to her harmonizing but unnoticed leadership.

It probably sounds like fantasy to most wives, which means they have not studied this blog deep enough or actually tried the process in real time. She’s in charge, when things go well. She’s not in charge when things go less well, which means that recovery comes only with practice to win his heart by improving her own.

The way to win and keep a man’s heart is through her heart and inherited expertise to make relationships form, function, and fulfill girlhood hopes and dreams. Her hopes and dreams are a good guiding light that makes a couple subordinate to some higher order, if God is not in their lives. God and Nature tell prepubescent girls what their world should become, and as women they produce it. Anything less works to the disadvantage of females and their children.

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2558. Ten Steps To Win A Man’s Heart — Step 11: His True Love


Eleventh step: I think this is the most important new development of the first ten steps. I can describe the three stages a man goes through in the process of developing manly true love. You can spot some of the indicators that it’s happening, but you won’t be able to view the process in action. Most happens in background as a man’s true love develops in three stages.

Devotion. He finds you attractive and appealing and he pursues with fervor. As he does so, his devotion to you develops and becomes evident in his actions to please himself by pleasing you and not upsetting you. Your job is to help him develop the habit of pleasing you with his actions and not just his words. Your dilemma is this, he hopes to conquer you for sex or capture you to be HIS.

Bonded Love. In parallel with your process of determining if he’s after you or just sex, he is gathering info to decide your full meaning to his life, aka does he love you enough or even at all? His devotion develops deeper interest in you. After awhile he compares you with others, judges you as highly likeable, and decides he can be loyal to you alone. You seem so valuable to his life, that he can give up the others. He also assesses you to determine his likeability to you, plus your ability to be loyal to him. Finding mutual likeability and loyalty to his satisfaction and flooded with heart-felt devotion that has been compounding, he can admit to himself that he loves you. It has little or no connection with whether he will say it or not. When it serves him, he will admit it, and women are wise not to push him on the subject.

True Love.

  • This is the hardest kind of love for women to grasp and difficult for me to describe. He injects himself into true love by willingly accepting the responsibility and sense of duty that comes with his perception of a man’s marital obligations. His duty rises on top to confirm his devotion and bonded love.
  • Her wonderfulness expands his devotion and brings out his bonded love. But his true love emerges from his sense of duty to not fail at what he undertakes as responsibility, in this case success with marital obligations. His true love isn’t love as she knows it. Instead, it’s his pledge to be responsible and duty-bound to their marriage, plus expecting them to remain together as a tightly bonded couple. Marriage seals the deal for his drive to provide and protect and enable her to depend on him.
  • His pledge to marry welds him to the decision and action world with responsibility to deliver results, upon which vows later add more responsibility. He expects her to handle the relationship side and harmonize their effort and morale, as if it is automatic and really nothing to do. It is a division of labor and his mindset for life.
  • His true love has two allegiances, marriage first and her second. Much of his new responsibility arises out of events that transpire outside the relationship and home. She can be affected and even harmed. So, he is burdened to provide and protect her interests. Consequently, his duty to the whole of marriage is larger than to her and unavoidably must come first.

Divorcees learn that true love is easy to ruin. These cause it quickly. She considers herself more important than marriage, and thus she demotes the importance of his true love. Also, misunderstanding the role of responsibility and duty within the male nature, disbelief in a man’s dutiful endeavors, unwillingness to accept his marital leadership, or lack of faith in his determination to do what he determines is right. (Oh, what trust we can’t expect, once we offer little respect.)

When he invokes his true love, he effectively imposes the higher order of marriage above her and him below. Think of his true love as umbrella sheltering the couple beneath. His first obligation is to umbrella and second to those beneath. Devotion and bonded love hold them to each other and true love sweeps them beneath his marital cover. It makes marriage a twosome affair literally rather than just figuratively.

——

In the course of concluding this series, I have an overflow of info to pass on. As life usually shows us sooner or later, things are not really as close or distant as we like to think. More on the subject follows next at 2559.

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2557. Ten Steps To Win A Man’s Heart — Step 10: She is THE Key


Tenth step but it’s the most important: This step is all about what she does to make herself worthy of being won and kept as girlfriend or wife. After all, a man first has to want her and then want to keep her. Seeking to marry a virtuous woman, he uncovers virtue in each of her admirable qualities, but she has to know how to exhibit herself effectively, how to out-unique all those other dolls.

Women should restudy the preceding nine steps and work them gingerly into one integrated circuit that matches up masculine expectations with female hopes and dreams. She’s in charge, as men have little or no interest in doing that.

But it goes deeper, she’s in charge of her appearance and character first and foremost. He looks for uniqueness and quality. So, she has to be a good woman out to make herself better. One so uniquely worthy that a man is inspired to go far out of his way to court and marry her with self-promised intention of keeping himself within marital borders. The greater her virtuous uniqueness, the greater his desire to have her for his own.

She accomplishes all that with two major objectives. Be virtuously good in and of herself, and then manage the process of doing good for, by, and with him. Men are not born to DO good but have only the ability. They need coaching and are willing to be inspired by a good woman to DO much better than their nature motivates them. In spite of appearances to the contrary, men are eager to DO good when they see it earn admiration of the other gender.

Born to BE good, a woman instinctively adopts and intuitively lives by the qualities her man consider virtues. She does best by exploiting what he considers her best. Doing what he hopes to see in his mate, she convinces him that he can do better as man, husband, father, friend. It’s the root of her expectation to change him (and the root of much turmoil as soon as he uncovers her intention.)

Men marry virtuous women, and the following jewels crown a female as feminine woman. They generally earn manful admiration and thereby make a woman virtuous and more appealing for marriage.

♥ Physical attractiveness marvelously enhanced by affordable attire and classy grooming—at all times in his presence. Sloppy and un-neat are out. Currently obsolete, but a tiny pinched-in waist carries more potential than most other features. Such a waist at age 50 can retain her starlet image of uniqueness.

♥ Sexual attractiveness enhanced by modest covering suggests by appearance that unique features are beneath, touching is forbidden, and men need more than just permission to go where they wish.

♥ Gentleness that attracts those seeking comfort.

♥ Forgetfulness that follows her forgiveness.

♥ Thoughtfulness that conveys her gratitude of others.

♥ Gratitude for her man that outwardly shines as happiness at having him nearby.

♥ Submissiveness that reflects a strong spirit of cooperation.

♥ Happy spirit that spreads infectiously and uplifts mannish spirits.

♥ Joyfulness that inspires greater hope and suppresses any urge to quit.

♥ Chasteness that promises loyalty to her man.

♥ Modest display of body and discouragement of flirting that symbolize fidelity.

♥ Generousness that smashes selfishness out of the lives of a couple.

♥ Receptiveness to his ideas without finding fault until execution threatens failure.

♥ Delightfulness that makes her man smile, just because she turns on that spirit.

♥ Willingness to welcome his devotion as adequate while she awaits his bonded love.

♥ Unselfishness that spreads as example that others deserve her.

♥ Perpetual smiling countenance that suggests all is well.

♥ Neatness that displays her standards and inspires others to be more like her.

♥ Goodness that sets a shining example to all.

♥ Faithfulness that inspires him to follow her example.

♥ Steadfastness that prevents complaints.

♥ Patience that calms the waters of frustration.

♥ Trust of him that energizes greater respect of her.

♥ Respect of him that energizes greater trust of her.

Those two dozen virtues are female strengths, some inherited at birth and others developed in childhood. Some girls learn otherwise, and some women are too busy, ego-stricken, or politically discouraged to develop and use them. Of course her man may not be worth such effort, but feminine jewels hold a man’s respect, which is foundation of his love, and which provides both her ability and opportunity to morph a Mr. Good Enough into her Mr. Right after a couple decades of marriage.

Her behavior makes men good, bad, indifferent, inadequate, or whatever. Provided, that is, she doesn’t mate up with a hopeless case to begin with. As Eliza Doolittle affirms in My Fair Lady, “The difference between a lady and flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she’s treated.” The more feminine virtues he inherits before and after marriage, the better she is treated, because respect follows his admiration of her unique qualities.

Self-promoted with those jewels listed above, women receive the greatest, kindest,  fondest, and lady-like treatment. Such virtues may not be essential, but they facilitate earning affection, devotion, bonding love, and true love in marriage.

It returns us to the subject of a man’s true love. I explain it more clearly next at 2558.

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2556. Ten Steps To Win A Man’s Heart — Step 09: His Ultimate Love


Ninth step: If a woman masters the art of winning a man’s heart as described in the first eight steps, she develops the ability to capture and keep the man of her choice—in principle, that is. No guarantees as personalities are far too different to match up from anywhere but inside a couple’s life.

The preceding posts—especially 2552 through 2555—describe natural masculine motivation and behavior that can bring more understanding to what modern women know about men. His love emerges in three stages—devotion, bonding love, and true love—and she needs a deep understanding of it to win and stir a man’s heart toward marital commitment.

A man’s ability to love functions this way. His devotion pleases her and keeps her pleased with him. His bonding love promotes and sustains mutual respect and reciprocal trust. His true love promotes marital success. He is much more complex than she on the subject of love. At least his love can be defined; hers cannot and should not for it adds mystery, attractiveness, and masculine desire.

After deep and suitable analysis about her, them together, and marital obligations, the potential husband adds self-commitment to marriage on top of his bonding love and devotion. Not she but he convinces that he can and will succeed in marriage. Completion of the process that results in conviction motivates him to exchange vows.

Anticipated satisfaction handling new responsibility is the key to his belief that enables his move toward the altar. Bonding love and devotion are infrastructure; dedication to marital success generates true love.

True love includes both him and her as love objects. It appears as selfishness to women, as it appears to detract from them. But it is natural to men. They have to both love what they do and do it satisfactorily, or they are in the wrong line of ‘work’. In short, marriage is his work and leadership his job. His sense of duty and responsibility urge him to deliver on his own expectations primarily and then on hers. Meanwhile, his devotion motivates him to keep them mutually pleased with each other and sustain their mutual likeability and loyalty. The latter being the essentials for his bonding love to continue.

It’s his mindset. Marriage is more important than either or both of them, since he accepted responsibility for it with them as coupled members. Thus, his true love builds in three stages. From the top down it is this: his duty to marriage, binding love of her that arises out of mutual respect and trust, and pleasurable devotion to her.

Short recap: Men are born to love sex for the sake of sex; love work for the sake of satisfaction; and love women for convenience, comfort, and pleasure. Women teach them to exploit marriage to perpetuate relationships, and men step up to that responsibility by fulfilling their perception of duty. Thus, marriage is the institution that energizes men to commit true love to a woman.

A parenthetical thought: A mistress may have a husband’s bonding love and even his devotion, but by definition a mistress misses out on true love. It suggests, however, that bonding love and devotion to wife hit a snag. Probably one or more of these:  Mutual love weakened by irritable and disagreeable behaviors, loss of likeability or loyalty of one or both, undesired transformation from the person met at the altar, and absolutely loss of mutual respect.

Sometimes a man’s allegiance to marriage as supreme obligation doesn’t come across as quite favorable to his wife. She doesn’t know how she won his heart so effectively, and men seldom know how to deal compatibly with her as first in his heart but second in his actions.

Women are particularly skilled to build and manage a relationship. But marriage makes a man duty-bound above and beyond love, affection, and relationship, and he remains committed to lead with his dedication. It’s a bigger project for him than the loving and lovable togetherness she envisions and tries to live, manage, and get her way.

Consequently, women misread their man when he’s doing what he thinks best. Examples: a) He cancels, postpones, or cuts their honeymoon short because of a near-disaster in his business or job world. b) He insists they take a cheaper approach to accomplish something that symbolizes great love to her but which is lost with his cheaper method. c) She seeks to associate with those of another social or economic class that he sees as threatening the marriage, such as an attractive hunk stands out and too easily captures and holds her attention.

Men figure out what they have to do, and they manage marriage more as a manly function than female dream. Until her relationship expertise generates a compensating game plan, he doesn’t correctly grasp the meaning of her dreams. When he admirably learns how to integrate her dreams into his managerial role, he can more easily step down from his true-love high horse and please her out of his sense of devotion.

However, modern day pressures sabotage her relationship expertise. Blame and disrespectful expectations of modern men has them judging and speaking of women as ‘crazy’ with almost none ranked below four on a scale of ten. Crazy because women don’t act in their own best interest as men see it, not common-sense normal. (Modern compatibility continues to decline directly in line with the political objectives of radical feminists to make enemies of the genders.)

Women have better options. They can turn their too-dominated, under-appreciated lives around by exploiting that which mostly favors women and children. It makes sense to men when it appears to be common sense.

As already and naturally shown by the unwillingness of men to compete directly with their woman, men cannot dominate the superior sex if women act superior without disclosing their belief in superiority. Such as, the wise woman holds up the dominant sex as superior, and then weaves her feminine interests in with those of men and her man. It makes women all the more mysterious, attractive, appealing, agreeable, and compatible with masculine expectations. It keeps men interested, curious, and guessing with evermore active imaginations. It also enables women to tame male dominance and govern their homes, relationships, and cultural values within the standards of the female’s best interest.

Over the course of this series, I left out a lot more about how sex differences cause both relationship compatibility and disruptions. I highlight many important ones in next post, 2557.

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2555. Ten Steps To Win A Man’s Heart — Step 08: Stay Out of His Way


Eighth step: This article applies mostly after a couple reaches the point they talk about marriage. The previous one (2554) described the decision process a man uses to talk and walk himself into marriage.

I advise you ladies to stay out of your man’s decision-making path. Your lack of patience and over-eagerness to express your total boatload of feelings screws up his thinking. You can overdo the latter to the point of appearing desperate, very bad for you. You should focus on making yourselves more magnetically likeable to each other. It’s two of the foundation stones of a man’s love, and it makes use of your feminine traits, talents, and skills.

Also, go slow and patiently. Allow him time to figure out winning you his way. Date, have fun, visit others, enjoy each other’s company. Make the most of associating, convenience, comfort, pleasure, and adventure that thaws and melts two personalities together on the road to becoming one couple. But let him convince himself to marry.

If he pursues you instead of just sex, he has anxieties to overcome to win you. Let him do his own overcoming. Your relieving his anxieties or making it easier for him to win you makes you a less-earned gift, less-satisfying achievement, and thus a less-valued objective.

Two objectives for you: Delay conquest as long as possible and don’t tell him how he is winning your heart. Your discretion of slowness and being non-committal serve you best. Go along encouragingly but let him figure out his progress, because it is both easier to believe and more permanent. Meanwhile:

  • Find out more about him that you appreciate and that support your loyalty and his likeability. He is learning to more deeply involve himself because of your attractive likeability. You may see your romantic love as mutual love, but it’s too early; he needs more time. Men are slow to love, but quick to commit with romantic love—provided they don’t have to use those three little words (sincerely and honestly, that is).
  • Avoid when possible or shorten all passion pit stops. Smiles, pleasant nature, and friendly defense of your reasons for chastity should not reflect adversely on him as person, man, or potential mate. (A woman can even marry a man she doesn’t respect, but a man can’t even love a woman he does not respect.)
  • Don’t criticize him, your feminine charm can do better. However, provide pleasant and unchallenging negative feedback and then quickly change the subject, each time that he violates your values, standards, and expectations. That is, red flags that are not severe enough to disqualify him for you. It’s how he learns who you really are down deep. It is also how you determine what values, standards, and expectations that you are willing to modify to accommodate him in your life.
  • Provide little feedback except to admire his integrity, sense of responsibility and dependability, and character traits that please you. IOW don’t run off at the mouth how great your relationship is developing, how he is in tune with your way of life, or what you have to offer as a wife. You want him to learn all about you and you of him, but you want a slow exchange of info to gently get used to each other.
  • Let big smiles of approbation and pleasant willingness go along with his desires; let them replace saying “I love you.” Your actions of support and dependence speak volumes for him to weigh and to measure how he is doing in the process of winning you. What he figures out is far more believable than what you tell him about yourself.
  • Demonstrate firm personal strength by not smothering him with your love that you are so anxious to display. If he learns in courtship that he has to earn rather than be given your love, it will likely continue after marriage for as long as you remain the woman to whom he proposes.
  • He is into decision-making once the thought of possible marriage comes alive. He has to overcome his expectations to match your deferring, delaying, refusing conquest. By doing so, he learns to honor your many other decisions about your life, which represents a major victory other than delaying conquest and actual marriage.
  • However, honoring your decision about chastity tampers with his sense of significance, which is the product of who he is self-admirably and what he is and does self-satisfactorily. It’s about to change and he must plan for doing it satisfactorily in his life and for you as his soon-to-be wife. The thought of adjusting his life and his multiple roles to earn you is not an easy thing to accept, but if he does and you marry, his respect lasts for life even if something else separates you.

This posting describes how women can enable a man’s process of deciding to commit to marriage. Many considerations and some anxieties flood both heart and mind as he tries to decide how to proceed with someone he wants alongside for life. She dreams of it, but he considers the worthiness of it. Rather than impose interruptions caused by female anxieties to move ahead more promptly, she does better by following the guidelines above.

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2554. Ten Steps To Win A Man’s Heart — Step 07: She Enables Him


Seventh step: Another goal of courtship is to enable her man to walk himself to the altar. While it’s figurative, her job recognizes what he is going through and not interrupt his process. She captures him as her potential groom, but he captures himself for marriage. (I’m not sure a man’s true love emerges, if he does not go through this process, but that’s for future development.)

She looks at the brighter side of marriage and sees nothing but joy. He is quite different. He loves differently, and he assesses the reality of marriage, but only if he’s about to commit to loving a woman. (Otherwise, his mind is in neutral about it except for tips he picks up from buddies and witnesses in society.)

A man’s love is the product of his devotion to one woman, self-respecting  devotion to himself, and responsibility he accepts for providing, protecting, producing, and problem solving for her. Yes, devotion to his sense of duty is primary to his love. If he can’t deliver on his obligations as he expects, his love  must not be enough for marriage.

He ponders. Is he willing to take on new responsibility with the potential for pleasure, convenience, emotional connections, sex, disruptions, and problems of unknown origin and extent? Is she worth it? Of course she is, or he wouldn’t have gotten this far in decision making. But can his sense of duty adequately confirm his devotion to her, back up with actions the words that he used to win her? He continues to ponder.

Nevertheless, his love isn’t true love until he models his present life with her in  marriage. Something like this. First, he can’t do without her, it’s his requirement. Second, he can ‘own’ her, she’s submissive in spirit. Third, he can accept being responsible for whatever combines to produce them as couple with a life together.

His true love results from both his masculine persona and his devotion. His duty is to himself and to living his devotion to her. Not ‘us’ as women prefer, but her.

His true love looks like this: He has obligations to both of them. He to perform well doing his duty. She will do well in response to his sense of duty, devotion, respect, and in that order too (although I doubt the order is a conscious thought).

To him, his worst failure of love is to fall short in his sense of duty, to fail in his dedication to do right as he determines that right and which includes his devotion to her. (A powerful position that discourages cheating, does it not?) Such a failure adversely impacts his sense of significance, which makes it all the worse for him and helps motivate him strongly to prevent such a failure.(Women fail to recognize the abiding role of fear in the male psyche, because men suffer it in background.)

His second failure of love is to lose his devotion to her, which results from the fading of her likeability or loyalty to him. IOW, she changed too much from the woman that was his bride. His third failure of love arises out her losing his respect, again, most likely she changed too much but perhaps in other ways. (I personally know of a bride changing into a different woman on her wedding night.)

He decides they will marry. Sacrificing his independence, he expects satisfaction from the swap with a great win out of marriage that goes far beyond conquest. He expects satisfaction that he has done right and well. Her uplifting love helps.

His march to the altar transpires amid all that above.

  • He seeks to conquer her soon after they meet. She refuses. He tries harder. She refuses. He looks for weaknesses to facilitate conquest, she refuses.
  • While continuing to look for weaknesses in background mode, he associates with her and spots qualities that he can admire. They become virtues to him. Courtship continues along that line and her virtues pile up. Soon she appears fascinating with so many virtues, and the hook goes in his mouth. Conquest becomes less of a priority. Fascination compounds into promise for improving his present life by having her alongside.
  • By the time he decides that she is the one for him, his original goal of conquest morphs into something less critical. It is good for her, because sex—first time or later—neither bonds him as she expects nor holds a man in marriage. Whereas, finding more and more virtues makes her more appealing as a virtuous woman, which all men hope to marry.
  • When her promise as wife exceeds loss of his independence, hook is set, and he proposes. She reels him in with acceptance. He begs off and suggests she knows what to do, so she and mother can plan the wedding. He will meet her at the altar. Men have little or no interest in planning such an event, and she does not do all that well to get him intimately involved. Guest list, yes, but not much more. (I don’t mean to deal men out, just that they by nature mostly have a preference to leave important female things to women.)
  • That is how she wins in the end, provided she does not interrupt the process that he undergoes in his own mind. He is primarily a thinker, and she needs to stay clear except to participate as invited into his dream analysis process. The wedding excepted, what he figures is best for him is best for both him and her. She needs to make herself more likeable and loyal without trying to facilitate his thought processes.

In the final analysis, a man’s premarital decisions are about satisfying himself that he can deliver on his obligations to do right by them as couple, do right by her with his devotion, and do right as possible with what she expects. It is a man’s true love, that keeps him from stumbling down both the figurative and literal aisle.

Next: Some tips to stay out of his decision making process and facilitate his decision to walk down the aisle.

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2553. Ten Steps To Win A Man’s Heart — Step 06: She Earns Devotion


Sixth step: Women do not separate devotion and love as I do (see 2552). They call it manly love, but it’s a man’s devotion that first wins a woman’s heart. His confirming love develops over time. She is so likeable that he devotes himself in dating and courtship, and it enables his love to develop.

When marriage comes up, she faces this dilemma. She thinks in terms of the future brightening up for them as a couple. He thinks in terms of living as a couple in the present. What she envisions concerns and may threaten him. Can he do it? Does he want to? What does he have to give up? How is his present life affected? Can he ever escape? At what price? Can’t we test it by shacking up?

She wants marriage, but he has to buy into it. She’s the seller of marriage but the buyer of Mr. Good Enough. The process requires concurrent screening of him to ensure good enough and shaping his thinking to match hers about marriage. It’s called successful courtship and engagement, and she is in charge without seeming to be.

He is chasing conquest, but her chastity makes him think deeper into what role marriage plays in his conquering endeavors and his way of life. Men have not the foggiest conception of what a woman has in mind for her marriage. The steeper his learning curve, the more faults, excuses, and ‘unacceptables’ he finds.

She does best by proceeding with a flatter learning curve by dragging out a lengthy courtship. She lets him work his thinking up to marriage. Two things prompt it best: She refuses conquest, and she doesn’t admit to “I love you” for as long as possible.

Three little words are neither appealing nor good advertising but admission that he has already won her. Hints are okay and more productive than the words. Much more than they are told, men believe what they figure out from evidence they gather. He may want to hear her speak the words, even ask, but her loving actions and wordy silence says he’s not yet worthy enough. Hearing those words is something else for him to earn; more effective for her, because men don’t appreciate unearned gifts.

Devotion is more magnetic than a man’s love and simpler to earn. It is her primary objective. His love is so different from a woman’s that it is never enough for her, he is reluctant to speak of it, and she learns to live with insufficiency until he is ready to admit it. (Her pressures to gain his equal commitment of love just leads to her frustration when he cannot commit that way, which tempts her to blame him, which turns him off about her.)

The emotional connection that his devotion creates can sustain a famine of three little words, if she is calm and confident enough. Modern women act on the conviction that he needs to hear of her love to keep from losing him, rather than the wiser option that he should have to work for it to earn her.

Chastity adds to the ease of earning a man’s devotion. He keeps pleasing her out of frustration trying to bed her, and his actions program his heart with devotion. In much the same way, her inclination to NOT use three little words to help her agenda programs his heart in her favor.

Three little words have very little if anything to do with earning a man’s devotion. In fact, the longer she is silent about them, the better for her. Several reasons:

  1. Love grows best and chastity is sustained easier when the focus is the couple’s actions and presumed emotional connections rather than directly sharing their feelings for each other. When women are quiet, they notice that men don’t bring up the subject. Less frequent sharing leads to longer courtships and develops benefits for women. More frequent sharing invites early conquest (but it works well to hold a couple together, as their love matures after conquest).
  2. He pursues her before his emotional connection has developed into love; devotion substitutes. Her three little words are a mark of his success. If early in the relationship, hearing them means he has already done enough to win her, he doesn’t have to work as hard to please her, he can take his mind off her to spend on job and life, he can do less to please her, it slows or stops development of his devotion, and it weakens courtship intensity. Of course, that is worst-case scenario.
  3. Why say I love you? If she doesn’t offer it in order to please herself, he tries harder to earn her attention, affection, and induce her to say it. Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts; he expects to work to get her to say it. Offered too early in his determined effort to get her in bed, means that he didn’t have to work hard. I love you is unearned, and she loses respect for loving him but refusing to bed him.
  4. It is not something he needs to hear; he judges her actions. She volunteers three little words in the mistaken belief he wants to hear them; actually she does it more to please herself by pleasing him. It’s her form of devotion and she is proud, but it does little good in the long run.
  5. Moreover, her words carry an implicit obligation. How should he respond? He wonders, is he expected to confess the same? If so, what obligation? Same as hers? It’s unstated so he has to guess! The relationship changed, so how does he act now? His anxiety starts to build, what does she expect of him? How does he hide his anxiety without offending? Why can’t we just enjoy ourselves together as friends? Moreover, she wants to hear the same from him, and he’s not ready. His love not having developed, he is not inclined to utter it—sincerely and meaningfully, that is.

Devoted, a man’s habits please himself by pleasing her, to make her happy or at least pleased with him. He’s willing to shack up, as it relieves anxieties that come between devotion and marriage.

Devotion makes him more sensitive to her needs. Of course, being denied conquest, his curiosity and imagination are active to figure out the price he has to pay to bed her. After awhile, marriage becomes more appealing than before.

She may prompt but he initiates most of his actions that program his heart with devotion. The following examples accumulate over time. Just to please her, these things become natural to him until his giving becomes habitual. Gifts of whatever kind given randomly rather than expectedly (random as to item, habitual as to giving); paying attention to what she says; listening well when she talks; gifts picked up out of convenience; thoughtful attempts to make her feel good about herself; love letters; surprises; finishing tasks so that she has no complaints; seeking her advice on matters mostly of interest to him; defending her against criticism by anyone else; suggesting rather than criticizing; lifting her spirits, empathizing and sympathizing as appropriate, doing chores that help her, and planting seeds that something is wrong or needs improvement. In a manly way he copies many techniques of the female nature—e.g., indirectness—without acting femmy or even close.

As long as she enables him to think that he is eligible for her love, he has no incentive for new habits and gifting. The more she hides her eagerness for him, the less he knows about where he stands with her, and the more likely he learns to take actions that program his heart with devotion.

The smart woman never casts doubt on his devotion; e.g., all gifts enthuse her and exalt his presence in her life; if she does not like his taste then she still wears it, eats, drinks, or displays it at least once—and as if she loves it. No gift is ever wrong, task unnecessary, or efforts unrecognized even if he cannot be rewarded. (Incidentally, it carries an implicit message for wives. Devotion has to be sustained after marriage. A husband’s devotion can easily be killed by taking the opposite attitude of that just cited.)

Women are in charge of earning a man’s devotion. There is no motivation except self-motivation. Consequently, women have to motivate themselves to be the kind of woman that encourages a man to motivate himself to become devoted to her. Indirectness wins again. Becoming that kind of woman will be addressed in Step 10.

Next: Allow your man to walk himself to the altar.

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