NOTE: Lady Magnolia responds to Lady Femme’s concerns about “get the man out of my system.” Guy
A few things come to mind:
1. Cry and surrender to the pain. Mourn your loss.Then begin to recover.
2. Keeping a journal helps. Try not to ruminate, though. Write about positive thoughts and hope for the future.
3. When you are ready, start dating other men. This point alone could be all you need as you naturally become interested in someone else.
5. The mind is powerful– let go. Allow yourself to let go of him. HE IS JUST ONE MAN IN A SEA OF MILLIONS.
Many women give themselves completely when they date. The best thing to do is to manage our emotions, take it easy and evaluate everything. I’m telling you, dating several men is so good for that (it allows you to be more level-headed as you evaluate each candidate and not to give of yourself 100% to any one man– a risky thing to do at the beginning) but so many women refuse to do it out of loyalty to men who often do not reciprocate. The disaster that ensues is to be expected, really.
See how much a man invests in you and for how long before you invest yourself. As a general rule, don’t invest much at all before the six month mark (that’s how long it takes for a relationship to become established). Be cautious.
Six months-looking good.
:-):-)Eight months-getting better. :-):-):-) One year-great! Has he consistently shown interest, devotion, etc.?
Keep in mind, this is a rule of thumb. Use common sense and your feminine intuition to protect your heart.
Finally, I want to say that I know exactly what you’re going through and I know that it’s not easy. It was hard breaking up with my ex. I cried. But I just made up my mind that I would find love after him. Someone better suited for me. And guess what? I did! You will, too!
P.S. Remember, it is super important that you see yourself as powerful, confident and in control of your destiny. Believe it and you’ll become it! The best part? People will notice, too, and they will treat you accordingly. Try it!
NOTE: It seems men in at least one big city have a new standard. Lady Aidos reports “It’s been astonishing to me how many men walk away after I refuse sex *on a second date*. It’s been the majority [after dozens of dates, NOV-APR].” Miss Gina offers appropriate self-help.
Dear Lady Aidos,
I understand your comment that being rejected can be draining. But consider a slightly different perspective. Try going into the date with an open but educated mind about the male nature…you already understand what is likely to happen, so you have your shields up…while giving him a small window of opportunity to prove himself. It is ok to be a bit cool and aloof toward the gentleman…remember how so many men go crazy over women who are downright mean–they represent a challenge. (I don’t recommend meanness, but a little impatience with or skepticism of a man can trigger his challenge reflex.) If you watch romantic movies from the 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s, (early 60’s too), the women are often good examples. [Guy says: Movie lists are available at posts 2039, 1369, 1242, 1224, and 541.] *You* are the one in the driver’s seat, and *you* are screening through many unworthy men. Most will move on, which is what makes them unworthy of you–*not* you unworthy of them. You only have to find one. Just this small change in perspective can make it easier on you and make you more attractive at the same time.
Boldness reduces discomfort. If a woman learns to stretch it into standards that she lives by, she can develop her future as she desires it. Her life is more up to her than even a man’s presence in her life.
Many gals ask how to get dating off on the right foot. How to react when they are approached or hit on. The following is my favorite. I offer it for the impact on the thoughts of a man when surprised by woman-think, especially when boldness enshrouds her imagination and female pride. Encounters are seldom neutral when the gal takes charge. See the bullets below.
We all avoid acting uncomfortable. But surprise men with female discomfort shrouded in boldness, and it enables a women to take charge of the man or men present. That is, shock a man awake by her determination to be female, feminine, and different from men. Anyway, here’s my favorite standard of a woman forgetting her discomfort to spill it boldly into a man’s face.
SITUATION. A man approaches, acquaintance or newbie, and they begin to chat. Natural, neutral, innocent. She smiles as if he’s likeable and responds respectfully to his chatter. No signs of her judging him as suitable or unsuitable. All men are suitable until they prove otherwise; it’s one of her standards.
At his first mention of sex, direct or indirect, she stops him and responds with this. “Listen, I put my sex life to sleep and now await Prince Charming to awake me as a woman. Talking, kissing, or fondling will not wake me. See you later.” She quietly, respectfully, and politely leaves him to his thoughts. (She departs, because he’s now on defense and would likely begin to argue that he can talk, kiss, or fondle her awake. It makes it awkward, because she’d have to insult him to stop his determination to recover his self-respect or save face.)
- It’s shock and awe time. She departs and leaves him challenged to try again or drop the encounter as not worth whatever it would take to recover.
- It offends his self-image; he thought he was better at meeting someone. It also puts him to thinking, wondering, speculating. How he did wrong or could have done better? He’s no longer in charge; how does he recover? Or does he want to?
- He can save face by admitting she’s wasn’t worth it anyway. Probably 80% of guys would take that comfortable way out. She thinks: Can’t stand up to the weaker sex? What kind of man is he? I don’t have to waste time on him. If I’m not worth a strong pursuit, if he’s so easily discouraged, he couldn’t be much of a man for me.
- She’s unique, a virtue difficult to earn in today’s marketplace. It stirs his thoughts and may keep them stirred for quite awhile. Prince Charming? Who’s that? What could he have that I don’t? She think she’s a fairy princess or something? She’s different alright, but how do I get next to her?
- She’s mysterious. What kind of woman is she? How does she expect to gain my ever loving attention by walking away? What else has she to offer beyond what I saw? What would it take to bed her sometime soon? How do I find out what her Prince Charming looks like and promises? Can I beat his time before he shows up?
- She’s determined, knows who she is, and intends to shape her life her way—or at least it appears that way and men believe what they figure it out better than anything she tells them. If talking, kissing, and fondling won’t wake her, what else must Prince Charming have, do, and is expected to do?
- He tells his buddies about it in ways that reflect good on him. Then he wonders if he gave her a raw deal by under estimating her potential as good woman.
Imposing her standard immediately puts her in charge and guys have no alternative but to forget her (I guess at 80%) to save face or try harder (20%) with a whole new approach. The 80% were only after sex and lost interest in her, which means they are not good enough for her. The 20% that develops a strong pursuit in spite of her standard are good candidates for a relationship. Thus, her discomfort uplifted with boldness separates the unqualified from the possibles with just a few words.
- A man is more impressed by a woman full of gratitude, than a woman full of love. She expresses her love to please herself or get something, plus its fairly automatic and easier to express than searching for what she is grateful. He receives her gratitude as just what he is due. Consequently, her gratitude is easier to believe and thus more impressive and appreciated. (Women will do well to take that lesson into bed.)
- Divulging her sexual history to a man injects unforgettable poison into their relationship. The more promiscuous, the more toxic. (Sooner or later and maybe without her knowledge, it will be used against her.)
- Hard-headed feminine gentleness beguiles males. It adds to her mystique, uniqueness, likeability, and influence. 
- Feminine mystique attracts men and holds their interest. An air of secrecy and generally hard-to-get draws men into a woman’s aura of charm. (It keeps her in charge and puts men on the defensive. It’s the opposite of her chasing him, and it forces each man to prove his worth to her—if he chooses to pursue her. When he perceives charming but strong resistance to his first priority, sexual conquest, it pushes him deeper into the role of seller, which proportionally reinforces her as the buyer and intensifies his interest.)
- Female modesty tames males. It’s a woman’s greatest counterbalance to male domination. As she uses it to keep men on the defensive, it weakens male domination.
- The foundation of a man’s love is respect for a woman signified by devotion demonstrated by his actions. (Romantic love, mostly based on infatuation and lust, does not require a man’s respect. Plus, romantic love fades after a year or two. Enduring love, if it’s to replace the romantic kind and not also fade away, requires his respect that she earned early and continues to maintain.)
- Feminine adherence to moral standards helps earn masculine respect. Unless raised by mothers and girls to respect it, the male nature does not need morality. It predominantly serves women and children, when women promote and push moral standards that first suppress extreme male domination, aggression, and violence, and second teach men to use and spread moral values to help smooth out the kinks of living together or in society.
- Female-designed and -upheld customs and manners calm men. By women insisting on and upholding social and domestic standards, men learn they must please women to enjoy feminine endorsement, appreciation, and support.
- Of course it’s not fair, but men have little interest partnering with only one woman. Unless, that is, women sell and reward their man—however far removed from ideal to her—for both husbanding and fathering.
- Men don’t do the love thing as women do. Men expect this first in a relationship: a cooperative, helpful, and likeable rather than a competitive and offending spirit. Next, a man expects respect and gratitude for who he is and what he does. The former invites him to partner, the latter holds him as partner. 
Previous Q&A for easy reference.
- Why do men avoid marriage? [See 2676]
- What makes a husband dissatisfied with himself? [See 2676]
- Do men consider the wife to be responsible to keep their marriage together? [See 2676]
Q. Why do husbands cheat? [See 2677]
A. I offer no alibi for men, but with the facts below women can reduce the threat the female nature faces from the male nature in the marital arena.
Simply put, the male nature, daily events, and marital conditions open the cheating door not held closed by a man’s woman. The door opens so easily because the male nature oils the hinges and leaves it unlocked. The male nature motivates men to behave as follows until women teach them to act more female friendly.
- Men have the lifelong urge to conquer unconquered women; male love lacks the cohesive glue of female love; a man’s prime motivator is to earn self-admiration through accomplishments that produce self-satisfaction.
- A freshly conquered woman produces self-satisfaction in a man, but more importantly it terminates his primal urge to have more sex with her. Men don’t bond with sex, and so emotional infidelity may not be part of the show. He may stay with her, but male conquest is first- and only-time together. Sex after that is another game in the male psyche.
- Cheating also results from a man’s weak devotion to wife or lack of character strength to fulfill his promises and vows. He falls for a woman with strong lures. (No excuse, but it takes intense resistance that many men lack.)
- To a man, his cheating doesn’t dissolve the marriage for several reasons. 1) He’s responsible for marital success and expects to end it only when unsatisfied with himself living with his wife. 2) Two sex partners provides more satisfaction, not less. 3) He is not as prone as she to guilt. 4) His cheating does not mean emotional connection with the other woman, and so it’s not ‘harmful’ to wife if she doesn’t know.
- Admiration to accomplishment to satisfaction is the motivational pattern of a man’ life. Until, that is, mothers, girls, and single women teach boys and men they can and should do better on behalf of those they love, and each husband decides to honor his wife by being faithful.
But that’s not all. Wives drive husbands to cheat, feel compelled to copy him, and the consequences destroy their marriage. If he cheats she wants to talk; if she cheats he wants to walk. It’s next at 2678.
- After they marry is the appropriate time for a woman’s inborn soft-heartedness to be continually polished into a bright reflection and example for the family. Soft-heartedness helps charm husband into remaining responsible for family, and her children when grown to want to visit mom.
- After they marry, wife’s hard-headedness can be over used. If he does what she says all the time, she will lose respect for him, and he won’t realize his potential for brightening her future.
- Women mistakenly think that sex the first time with a man is the same as sexual events that follow. Not so. She may not see it as soon, but a man changes immediately after their first sex together. He inherits certain ‘rights’ of the conqueror that shape their relationship for life, e.g., he paid the price she set to yield, and so he ‘owns’ her. It’s more his inborn nature than her.
- The ease with which a woman yields sex their first time together tells the man how dominant he can be and how submissive he expects her to be. The ratio that results shapes their relationship till their end as a couple.
- Sex neither before nor after marriage holds a man. Sex bonds her but not him.
- Girls and women violate the female nature with promiscuous sex for the sake of sex. Even after marriage, women later find their lives much emptier than intended or hoped.
- Males insist on sex without marriage. Impatience floods the conqueror’s spirit, and marriage threatens his freedom.
- The longer and more successfully a woman holds out for marriage before sex, the more admiration and lasting respect she earns from a man. Holding out during a long courtship enables her to determine his true intentions, whether truly after her or just sex. More importantly, while trying to find weaknesses to get her into bed, he uncovers qualities he can admire, which makes them virtues to him, and men seek to marry a virtuous woman.
- The female nature has four primal urges of little more than passing interest to males. Women are driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. They need a brighter future for them and theirs. They want help when they need it in a world they can’t dominate. They fear abandonment. To stimulate interest to help her and brighten her future, a woman convinces a man that he can be a better man by out-competing other men for her hand in marriage. (It has worked for centuries in Western civilization.)
- Men are driven to compete. As hunter-conquerors they target high-value prey. Men don’t mount rabbit heads in their den or pursue women they find unappealing. They enjoy the challenge of chasing the unconquerable. If they don’t enjoy the challenge of pursuit, they lack ambition for other things too. 
- Women expect men to be more romantic, but romance slows a man’s conquering nature. Except when forced by circumstances or desire to honor females with manly spell-binding charm, romance to males means foreplay or prelude to it.
- Men are not naturally romantic. If not ‘trained’ to habitually romance her before marriage, he won’t do much of it afterwards.
- Boys first learn romance by watching father affectionately romance mother without sexual implications. Later, they learn from girls who inspire manly romance by withholding foreplay and women withholding sex, which forces guys to find and learn new ways to use charm, persuasion, and romantic stimulation.
- If a guy won’t cherish her and honor her expectations before conquest, he sure won’t afterwards.
- Girls can protect their chastity with the same élan, dynamism, dedication, and silence on the subject as if they were still virgin. When left to their imagination, virtual virginity mesmerizes boys as does the real thing. Women have the same choices, since virtual can substitute for real virginity and be used to hold a man’s attention while feminine mystique, female modesty, and standards of morality capture his devotion.
- Self-development is the primary mission of toddler boys. More independent than girls, boys start and know how to go about it. Unless taught otherwise, they know they 1) are handy, 2) can be better, 3) intend to prove it, and 4) will find ways to demo their “adult-ness.” Development slows or jumps off track, however, under poor or excessive nurturing in toddlerhood and poor or excessive parental leadership between first grade and puberty. Both of those parental shortcomings shift 1, 2, 3, and 4 toward things undesirable for parents. 
- Without marrying them, men see women as completely entitled to try hard, harder, and hardest not to yield. Men protect their own assets that way. Also, they don’t expect to yield freedom just because a woman yields sex, so she’s seen as a competitor and her hard-headedness generates challenge to his manly skill.
- If a man doesn’t have to earn her for marriage, she’s not all that valuable to him. If she’s eager and willing and intends to win him, then he thinks contrary to her wishes. First, it’s not his idea. Second, she must be desperate or worse. Third, let’s get back to sex.
- Before she marries is the most effective time for a woman’s natural hard-headedness to shine. Not hard-headed to tell men what to do but to protect her sexual assets; convince them of her values, standards, and expectations; and indirectly convey the thought that they must win her to have her.
- During dating and courtship is the most effective time for a woman’s soft-heartedness to harden. Soft heart never won brave knight.