Category Archives: feminine

2765. Refresher Thoughts — 15


  1. Gals to one another disclose every detail in their lives. It brings them close together out of which trust and comfort develop. Mistakenly, they do the same with men. It doesn’t work and gal finds herself dropped by guy.
  2. I quote from a lady’s comment in July 2011. “But, in my eyes, I saw him as the only person I could depend on because I had confided everything in him.” Does it not illustrate relationship blunders? 1) She trusts him just because he listens? 2) She reveals herself, sends vibes of desperation, and he deciphers her weaknesses with little effort. 3) She smothers her mystery with anxiety to please him or her, and he doesn’t stay long. 4) She talks abundantly instead of listening early in a relationship. 5) She misses the opportunity to earn a man’s respect early-on by listening to him describe himself as the seller and thus aligning his thinking with her in the role of buyer. [1343]
  3. A woman’s ambitions motivate her to confirm her importance by continually keeping everything in life balanced and moving toward a brighter future. All well and good, except it’s the opposite of trying to open, build, and sustain a relationship with a man. In courtship, he should be getting used to the idea that he makes her future brighter.
  4. He figures a woman out from what he sees and not what he hears. She is opposite. So, she should enable him to talk a lot and listen accurately, thoughtfully, and pleasantly (aka smilingly). Especially in the early weeks and months of a relationship.
  5. A gal looking to find Mr. Right loves that idealized model before it appears. She focuses on her loving him more than his earning her. It’s self-defeating, as unnoticed flaws will become very evident and discouraging after marriage.
  6. She wants to be loved and cherished, but boyfriend or husband knows far less than what she expects. Men prefer to do what they can rather than inquire about what she expects. Providing what he thinks satisfies her, it satisfies him with himself, and he grows no more in the direction of what she expects.

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2763. She Calls It Cherished — III: Intimacy Defined


In the normal course of events, a wife has to guess whether she’s cherished or not. She has to presume it indirectly from all the signs and signals that originate in or reflect from husband’s words and actions. It’s not a very rewarding game, but many women have to play it as the only way available way to feel cherished. A more direct way exists, but men know so little about it that women see too little of it.

Intimacy has two forms. Passionate as prelude to sex and non-passionate when sex is over or of no intent at the moment. Passionate intimacy cherishes her as sex partner, but she may or may not feel cherished as a woman. Non-passionate intimacy cherishes her as a wife. She hopes for both. However, the non-passionate carries more weight; cherished as a wife includes her sex appeal or husband’s satisfaction; unless something shows otherwise.

Men have little trouble showing passionate intimacy to get what they want. It confirms a female’s sex appeal. Some women may take it as being cherished, but wives don’t. Passionate intimacy leaves cherishment incomplete, but the non-passionate form cherishes her dynamically as a wife. Sensing deep in her heart that she will live a fulfilling life, she desires to be cherished as a whole, successful, and important person even over and above being a woman.

A female expects to be equal as a person, respected as a woman, and used as a sex object. The easier she yields the latter outside of marriage, the more difficult to earn respect. The less respect she earns as a woman among men, the less she finds herself treated equally as a person. To be cherished as a wife compensates for shortfalls in that formula.

What a woman expects does not arise out of the male nature; men are not made that way. So, she has to lay the groundwork out of which she’s hopeful that he will cherish her. How then does she embellish her relationship such that husband or her man cherishes her more than he’s naturally inclined?

Her objective: Condition husband’s thought processes so that he more frequently expresses his devotion at opportune moments, especially just before going to sleep. How? The essence of being cherished can be found in the gratitude that husband/father has for wife/mother, but the male nature works against expressing close emotional ties. So:

  • Get the TV and late night shows out of the bedroom. It’s tough for him to think of expressing intimacy to a “well-used” wife after watching all the shapely dollies prance around. Having just watched hunks outshine her man, wife easily forgets that she’s trying to encourage his intimate behavior, which is the most direct source of her being cherished.
  • Go to bed at the same time. Find ways to encourage him to hold her, snuggle, get personal in his talk, and caress her as the last functions before sleep; e.g., inquire as to what he’s grateful for—then, now, and future. Find ways to connect his gratitude to her presence, and add intimacy to pillow talk.
  • Discreetly shift family habits of thought and conversation away from both kid and adult problems and toward finding gratefulness in whatever life brings; e.g., wife explains to kids at the dinner table how her husband’s accomplishments lead to benefits for kids and family.
  • Only a good and tough mom can do this. Develop and use a ritual to teach family members to find gratitude in each other; e.g., develop this new habit for all members. The birthdate of each member each month will be celebrated by the family seated without absentees at the dinner table. Enforce the code that each member earns the respect of all others on their special day each month. The topic of conversation is to find things for which others are grateful for the ‘guest of honor’ that day. Yes, four kids and you have six dinners together each month, but only one member is highlighted each time. (Just an idea to spur hubby to habitually think about what he’s grateful for.)

A woman’s mission in life is to make herself important to both self and others. She shares herself, spreads her love, enjoys the rewards of giving, and satisfies herself that she is good by doing good. She helps fulfill the lives of those important to her, and her family outranks others. She’s helped along by the natural reward that comes from giving of love and doing for others.

She longs for frequent approval by the most important person in her life. As a girl, it’s usually her father, as wife her husband, and as shack up her man. If he’s not the most important, then fulfillment as a woman escapes her.

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2762. She Calls It Cherished — II


he subject of intimacy is hereby delayed another day or two.

Giving birth is the ultimate accomplishment and each child is a gift, but a woman’s life is primarily devoted to finding, loving, and being cherished by a man. She makes herself important by making herself important to others. If she finds herself cherished, she’s living to the best of her ability.

If cherished, she fulfills the life of a female. She expects her love to be reflected back at her with the same or greater dedication. Her love duplicated can’t be improved. If reflected back at her it’s the ultimate gift and most significant measure of her importance in life.

A man’s love is different. It arises out of his devotion, her loyalty, and their mutual likeability, all of which improve in her view when she is cherished.

To cherish a woman, a man sees that she’s uniquely and highly satisfying as his mate. He sees her appearance as uniquely appealing, perceives her as a virtuous female, senses she’s dependent on his endeavors in life, considers her ideal as his live-in mate, and helps keep him satisfied that he could not have chosen a finer woman.

Just as a man doesn’t know what ‘cherished’ means to a woman, she lacks foresight of what he expects to cherish her. Women can promote themselves toward being cherished with skillful use of their relationship expertise that helps fulfill husbandly expectations:

  • He finds her uniquely and highly satisfying as his mate. So, she lives up to someone or something bigger than herself and it works to keep her calm and steadfast; e.g., she smiles a lot, almost never complains, and lets him discover his mistakes and expose his unattractive behaviors with little more than a glance of disapproval from her.
  • He sees her appearance as uniquely appealing. So, she dresses upscale mainstream attractive but not radical; e.g., she stresses feminine mystique, female modesty, and monogamous spirit in ways that make her more appealing than other women.
  • He perceives her as a virtuous female. So, of her qualities that he admires, she reinforces their use or exposure and dresses to please his taste more than hers; e.g., he frequently compliments her attire.
  • He senses she’s dependent on his endeavors in life. So, she adjusts her cooperative spirit to keep him satisfied with who she is and what she does; e.g., if he likes punctual, she’s punctual.
  • He considers her ideal as his live-in mate. So, she manages the home in ways that keep him satisfied with their living together; e.g., he watches a lot of football, and she doesn’t interrupt when his favorite team plays.
  • She helps keep him satisfied that he could not have chosen a finer woman. So, she’s a model of quiet dignity during annoying, frustrating, and even exasperating moments, especially those that involve him; e.g., her decorum and attitude have the effect of calming him.

Women have many talents, skills, and techniques to embellish delivery of their love in both a relationship and home. By doing so, provided it’s the kind of loving attention that compliments her man, she improves the relationship atmosphere that fosters her being cherished. But that’s not all. She has one other input to her being cherished, and that’s the subject for tomorrow: intimacy.

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2761. She Calls it Cherished — I


The sexes are born with distinctly different motivational energies. A man aims at keeping himself satisfied with himself throughout life. He needs little help, and shortcomings and failures are usually his problem.

A woman’s motivational energies are tri-functional. 1) She aims at being good by doing good. 2) She seeks happiness by being grateful for self, others, and life. 3) She fulfills her female destiny by giving birth, being cherished by the person most important to her, and by having a mate to give purpose to her later years.

Many women miss out, choose other paths, or are trained in childhood for other things. They can still have a good and happy life. However, without fulfilling her destiny, women feel less important about themselves, less successful in life, and less satisfied with fulfilling their inborn motivations, girlhood dreams, and expectations about adult life.

Childbirth and having a mate to give purpose to her later years need no discussion here. They happen as the result of lengthy chains of events with someone else involved. Cherished by the person most important to her is another matter; it’s the subject here.

Watch this, ladies. A wife is as cherished as she thinks she is. IOW, she concludes that she’s cherished or not by how she’s honored and treated by the most important person in her life. He doesn’t do cherishing per se, because men don’t know how or even what it means in terms of what he should do. Hubby and wife could argue for decades, if the issue is whether or net she is cherished.

She is isolated in her thoughts about being cherished. To include husband is to involve him in relationship management, and men don’t recognize the need for that. His  relationship is okay and working, or its not.

She decides whether she’s cherished or not from how hubby admires her. His admiration spotlights her virtues as they live life together. She then figures she’s cherished or not from the manner in which he handles her closely or distantly as love and sex object, respected wife, trusted lover, teammate or tolerable load, dependable or questionable, stalwart or weak, attractive or okay, stable or unpredictable, doer or complainer, faithful or doubtful.

Thus, whether she later becomes cherished or not depends on 1) screening a man for his likeability and potential to admire her, 2) continually pursuing the affirming and positive side of their life together, and 3) loosening his nature against displaying emotional connections.

Items 1) and 2) have been covered in this blog, but Item 3) is new and more closely and directly connected to cherishment than anything else. It is non-passionate intimacy and subject of the next article.

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2759. Outer Beauty Attracts, Inner Beauty Captures and Holds


Born to believe she is pretty, it underwrites both a gal’s personality and sense of self-importance. If she follows the primary motivational force in her life, then she reinforces her sense of self-importance by making herself more important to others. From an inborn and deep resource of self-love, she spreads love to those of her choosing in the process of routinely confirming her self-importance.

Born believing himself to be handy, it underwrites a boy or man’s quickness to judge, enlarges his self-interest in girls and women, and upgrades a gal’s body shape from female prettiness to feminine beauty. It’s a matter of choice that matches each male’s attraction to the opposite sex. Why the difference between female and feminine? In the mind of the hunter-conqueror, female means sexually available and feminine means she may be good for more than that, the ultimate of which would be mating for an extended period.

Note this connection: I started with her natural prettiness and ended with a mate. What happens in between spins the social and domestic arenas of life. Emerson said “The world turns on hope.” Guy says, The world of females turns on how women appear, appeal to men, and harmonize compatibly within each couple. The world of males turns on how females make sex available or unavailable with or without obligation. In the end, access to premarital sex enables men to rule women through dominance, whereas obligated access enables women to govern relationships until compatible mates develop, mature, and avoid separation.

Over the long run, each pretty woman is beautiful only to the man or men who call her that. Moreover, it pays for each woman to upgrade her inner beauty, which she can improve, rather than upgrading her outer beauty, which depends on the opinion of someone else.

Prettiness is the root of a woman’s inner beauty, which is the foundation of the beauty a man sees in her. In the real world that leads to marital success, it’s as if both sexes play solitaire. She plays the game of maximizing inner beauty; she avoids trying to convince others of anything more attractive than she is inside herself. He plays the game of finding her weaknesses that may get her into his bed and accidentally discovers her inner beauty, provided that she delays conquest long enough.

IOW, she indirectly enhances what some man will see as her beauty by ‘doctoring’ up the prettiness of her personality, likeability, admirable character, smiling outlook, pleasant attitude, and living by her heart. She focuses on what she’s born with more than living by her mind and the unappealing lessons learned in life, such as how men think. Perhaps not so for particular moments, but clothing that matches her inner beauty is more appealing to men than clothing that attracts men sexually.  

In that way, improved prettiness motivates a woman to look better, which motivates men to more easily call her beautiful, which adds feminine worth that pushes men to upgrade masculine decisions about women, which makes the world turn slower or faster depending on how women appear and appeal, which enables women to determine better what obligations are necessary before they yield sex to a man of interest to capture and keep.

——

NOTE: I previously mentioned that coverage of the subject of intimacy was coming soon. While the subject is simple, it is connected with other concepts. I’m still working on a project tougher than I envisioned when I announced it.

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2758. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 09 Their Lenses Differ


Spouses view the future through different lenses.

He anticipates consequences and weighs them against how alterations necessary to his life will likely keep him satisfied with himself. Example: His car is wearing out. Nurse it a while longer? New car? Used one? Upsize it? Downsize it? Save on operating costs? Dip into savings? After balancing those inter-connections and -dependencies, he makes a decision that keeps him satisfied with himself that may or may not please his wife. If he is pushed to decide or disagreement ensues, he senses greater pressure to do it his way.

OTOH, she plans improvements, manages spousal interests, and anticipates consequences so that she, they, or their children gain some advantage. His car-buying plan becomes part of the new future she anticipates. If she can, she prefers to do it her way, more closely follow her own plans, and will usually argue even furiously to get her way.

If she can’t get her way but is convinced she’s right, she tries harder, learns to resent his resistance, or —if she’s smart enough—solicits his collaboration to work together. Example: Her car is wearing out. She long ago planted a seed with husband as to her preference; whether to drive a new one, a particular model, or to take cost consciousness to a new level to help promote other plans for their future together. Her sense of cooperation drives their decisions into collaboration and easier agreement for both sides. (It’s not in his nature to initiate cooperation or collaboration; it’s mostly up to her.)

In both cases, each spouse begins simple decision-making thoughts about the first to ID the issue being first with the solution. It’s normal, natural, and far too easily the beginning of competition and dispute resolution through argument to see who gets their way.

Because they view through different lenses, neither spouse is validated as being right and thereby the best decision maker. However, different lenses promote female adroitness, more cooperation, and more often end with collaboration, aka both sides pleased with the results.

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Blog 2757 — Essentials of Successful Marriage — 08 Avoid Loss of Likeability


I remain indisposed for daily postings. However, I found some easy reading to consider while I get shipshape once again.

Love isn’t enough. The absence of little things enable marital glue to work. Consequently, I offer the following to dwell on until I can return.

http://www.thefederalistpapers.org/us/woman-realizes-that-shes-been-accidentally-abusing-her-husband-this-whole-time

I argue it again, although I don’t sense a lot of support. Keeping a man alongside her is much more a function of their mutual likeability than mutual love. Why? Because her love of him does not satisfy him directly nearly as much as her satisfying presence in his life.

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