Category Archives: Her glory

2812. A Special Recap for an Upcoming Bride: Sex Drive


Her Highness CartieB, with questions at post 2808, inspired this series in four-parts: compatible, purpose, love, and sex — i.e., posts 2809-2812.

SEX DRIVE. The sexes are generally born as described below. However, individuals modify and intensify their lives variously by lessons learned growing up, sometimes to the point of losing their sexual identity.

Both sexes are born to get their way associating with others. Women are born to recognize very early in life that they have a valuable birthright that men will honor when a woman respects herself deliberately, sufficiently, and defensively against penile penetration the first time. The longer she delays it with each man, the more respect she earns, and more respect fuels a man’s love and devotion.

That birthright difference enables women to get their way with men who are stronger, dominant, and intent on conquest. Discretion to participate sexually belongs to each woman, and she’s adequately prepared from birth to both earn and capitalize on success.

Her side of the “when to yield” puzzle looks like this. Five natural motivational forces energize sex in the woman’s world:

  1. Born with a physiological urge to nurture, it triggers the urge to procreate.
  2. She has a psychological imperative to assuage the wants of herself or needs of someone else that stimulate her to copulate.
  3. Possessing a primal need of self-importance, it ignites ambitions to outdo and outshine other women as a candidate for mating. (She empowers herself by negotiating sex such that she earns her own uniqueness and the respect of men or man; the latter enables development of a man’s love and devotion.)
  4. She comprehends the worth of sexually yielding to each man, especially the uniqueness and value of their first sexual encounter together. (Her primal acceptability of conquest earns a man the privilege that she cooperate with him and his ambitions.)
  5. She needs intimacy, and it is a prime motivator for yielding. Her nature craves it; she can almost never get enough. Especially when her spirits are down, which is quite often. (Intimate touching, fondling, caressing, and sweet words to enhance body closeness fuel a woman’s willingness, desire, and free will, which makes it easier to continue deeper into the process that pleases her, her partner, or to even make unanticipated mistakes.)

Those natural female interests enable women to recognize the male sex drive as different. She sees men energized more urgently, much harder to satisfy in quantity, and more easily satisfied in quality. Such perception empowers women to utilize sex for bonding, generating compatibility, and competing with other women. (Neither promiscuity nor orgasmic pleasure are natural motivators for the female gender. Both arise from lessons learned in life and are often used to override the five hormonal urges cited above.)

Primal motivational urges energize five versions of the male sex drive. These bring sex proactively into a man’s world:

  1. His interest in sex brings females onto the playing field.
  2. He has a life-long physiological urge to copulate with every female he finds attractive. He’s willing to pay a very high price but only to conquer and not for more. The more attractive she is to him, the higher the price he will pay for conquest only. Sex does not bond him, but conquest separates women into two classes. (To willingly and assertively pay the ultimate price of his freedom, he needs more; sex isn’t enough. He seeks the right woman who satisfies him with himself and he identifies as unique, feminine, and so virtuous not even he can achieve penetration the first time. IOW, she’s so hard to get, all his competitor males must also have missed out.)
  3. He has an instinctive and competitive urge to outdo and outshine other men. In response, he seeks to conquer women that other men can’t, enable bragging rights by doing so, and add boaster’s value to virginity.
  4. He possesses a steadfast and competitive ambition for frequent and convenient access to sex, for which he’s willing to pay the ultimate price. If, that is, he figures he can satisfy himself living with her better than living by himself or someone else.
  5. He has an instinctive craving to do something pleasurable with each erection, and instinct pushes him toward penile penetration of a vagina. (Penetration completes his conquest. Beyond his penetration and for subsequent sexual events, however, he’s just another sexual performer—good, poor, wasteful, selfish, indifferent. Orgasm is not a prime motivator of men. Pleasurable and rewarding, yes, but not a driving force until it is about to arrive as expected in a moment of orgiastic glory after penetration and as the result of his self-acknowledged excellent performance up to that moment.)

Those primal sex urges combine to make men compete with other males for females and compete with females for conquest—but for little else afterward with conquered women. After conquest, a man expects cooperation and thus refuses to compete; he will find a way out or avoid competing with a conquered woman.

Why? Conquest changes their relationship dramatically. He uses his persuasive interest achieving conquest, in ‘buying her’. IOW, he pays whatever price she demands. Job’s done; she’s his. Afterward she belongs to him, and he expects cooperation. Sex with her doesn’t bond him, and so neither her love nor sex will hold him. He’s now free to pursue others. He may lose significant arguments to her. So why take the risk of her winning and then losing the upper hand won with conquest? Men are not dumb; they only seem to be that way, because women don’t understand the male nature as men are born.

Even though born to be compatible as mates, the sexes differ greatly on matters of purpose, love, and sex. Society and life in it are as peaceful and satisfying as both sexes live according to their nature, the way they are born. Things start to fall apart, when the sexes begin for whatever reason to act like the opposite sex and thus betray their own nature.

In that case (and more follows tomorrow), women lose dominance of cultural values, standards, and expectations. Men run society according to male dominated and female-unfriendly values, standards, and expectations. Neither sex appreciates the other very much, blame spurs anger, anxieties spread, couples separate, and children self-develop to tunes played by the quarrelsome tongues of disrespectful parents, teachers, and adults.

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2806. Response to a Malcontent


The previous post, 2805, lists 20 mismanagement tendencies that cause marital breakups. To it, Godsgrace55 responds this way:

“All 20 of those behaviors also apply to men. But men think they don’t have to address their own behaviors. That is why you notice so many middle age and senior women without a wedding ring. Those women get fed up, divorce, and live a better quality of life.”

I respond as follows.

——

Dear Godsgrace55, you still don’t get it.

  1. Blaming men costs women whatever advantage they wish they had among men. (Blame may be well deserved, but it works contrary to what women intend.)
  2. Neither sex lives alone without the presence of the other in their lives. At the cultural level aimed at brightening the females’ future, women lead and men follow. At the societal level aimed at the present, men lead and women follow. It’s a swap-meet at which women have first choice for generating success for females, if they but focus on the future instead of getting their way in the present.
  3. In general and indirectly but not in particular and directly, women act and men react in response to the cultural values, standards, and expectations, and men drive society along those lines.
  4. This blog is What Women Never Hear, not what men never hear. Men don’t listen to men about how to handle or deal with women. If women don’t exemplify what they expect out of men, then men follow their competitive and often combative nature that women resent so easily.
  5. The sexes are born such that each individual seeks to get his or her way associating with others. It makes competition the most universal motivator. Except for sex before conquest, men have little or no use of women who compete with them. When women get their way all the time according to female expectations, men lose interest in providing/protecting, raising children, and staying with one woman.
  6. Women gain the superior edge in society by using morality, religion, pre-conquest sex, and marriage to tame and harness men to female expectations without emasculating them.
  7. Women do what’s right based on what they believe. Men do what’s right based on what they figure out will satisfy them the best. Blame cancels masculine interest for believing that women could be more right than he.
  8. When the dominant gender becomes mesmerized by feminine ability, aptitude, and astuteness, dominance dissolves beneath an canopy of female superiority.
  9. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera….

Your last sentence is one-sided and exclusively blames men: “Those [middle age and senior without wedding ring] women get fed up, divorce, and live a better quality of life.”

To which I make it two-sided by inserting and bolding the blanks. “Those women get fed up because they can’t get husbands to change to meet wifely expectations, initiate divorce in order to save face and more realistically discredit him, and live a better quality of life by demeaning him, by calling single life high quality to cover her disappointment or embarrassment, and to hide her disenchantment of life without her man.”

Summarized, modern women continue to lose the ability to get what they want out of men. Blame, demand, and political pressure get results, but not what women wish they had from about middle age onward.

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2800. Wifely Leadership — 10: As Women Lead Men — V (Revised)


Whether you lady readers are married or shacked up, you’re certain that you’ve generated and are managing a successful relationship. You’re not ready to change for fear of…? That’s okay. Many people prefer the certainty of misery to the uncertainty of change. However, greater pleasures exist for wives who assert their leadership potential.

Responsibility determines that one leads and everyone else follows. So, whatever responsibilities wife assigns herself as both wife and mom, it makes followers of the whole family. That distinction also shapes what each family member believes and, consequently, shapes their attitude.

Now, it’s easy for wives to claim, Oh, I could never do that, never bring up and talk about such subjects as those listed below. Yet, later she can fight deliberately when energized to cover her mistakes or blame or criticize husband’s wrong doing. The suggestions listed below aim to prevent such arguments by reaching agreement ahead of time and shaping family attitudes to relate well together; it can prevent unproductive arguments and ill feelings that arise later.

Mastering the art of making one person responsible helps immensely when dealing with children; they benefit from having only one boss on matters that concern them directly. If husband goes along well with wife’s marital decisions, she must be doing almost everything right.

Being the king, husbands find it desirable to wield their authority, demonstrate their privilege to rule, and let everyone know that they rule. The most effective way to convince others of their power, however, is to delegate authority such that they never have to use theirs. The threat thus becomes stronger than the use of power.

Here are more suggestions. Wife is written in first person, and husband in second.

31. Husbands figure that foreplay is romance, so playing around physically or smoochingly is romantic. OTOH, romance confirms that I as wife am both worthy and important to you, and detailed demonstrations are highly satisfying. I also view you as responsible to separate romance and foreplay into a two-phase mixture of pleasure of company together and excitement that follows it.

32. If I’m not worth a little romancing now and then, I’m not worth much as a wife to myself, in which case I’m not easy to live with. So if I’m not easy to live with, you may have fallen behind in your romancing. To make up for it is to bring hero-worship back into my habits.

33. Even when I know I’m right, you’re responsible for determining the best course of action on matters requiring immediate resolution. I will advise responsibly, but you have to decide.

34. You’re responsible to provide me with intimate confirmations of my importance and worth to you. Cuddling and sweet talk at bedtime works very well but by no means exclusively.

35. As kingpin in our family, you’re the final authority on matters of morality and religion. If you wish to abdicate those concepts, I ask that you authorize me to guide the family in those directions, you excepted of course.

36. If child’s present behavior is bad in public, I’m responsible and not the child; I should have taught better. So, turn your complaints over to me and I will prevent next time.

37. I may fail a few times before I get something right. I ask for your understanding and forgiveness ahead of time; I’m still a work in progress of satisfying you with your life with me.

38. We shall both love our in-laws or fake it so well no one knows the difference including each other. It may be frustrating, but everyone has to learn to live with what they can do nothing about. In-laws deserve for us to try harder.

39. We will regularly remind ourselves of who and what we live up to that is above ourselves. As we do it, we turn ourselves into better individuals.

40. We are all self-developers. It’s why I as mom expect to discipline the kids softly so as not to weaken their attention or discourage their passion. It’s right for me to see that they might have been momentarily distracted, not less worthy.

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2798. Wifely Leadership — 08: As Women Lead Men — III


I continue to list ideas for wives to exploit in order to gain influence in their marital relationship.

Neither completeness, perfection, nor total agreement is the goal. Informing husband, accepting her responsibilities, and gaining agreement about wife-sensitive issues is the objective. It’s vital that neither side be perceived as wrong in these discussions.

A wife needs to verbalize each item her own way. It needs to fit in with her marital arrangements without offending husband; otherwise he’ll go on the defensive and not cooperate.

Any wife is the ‘I’ who speaks below, and ‘you’ is her husband. To the extent wife initiates such discussions and husband cooperates, she succeeds as a marital leader. The suggestions continue.

11. As a woman, I’m inclined toward making everything equal. As a man, you’re inclined to make everything come out fair. We’re born differently, so can we agree to recognize that each is entitled to represent and defend his or her own view based on that contrast? That is, without begrudging it in each other. We’ll be more successful as mates if I act more like a woman and you more like a man.

12. We are not equal in anything except before the law. We each have our own responsibilities, but I need help more often than you, if I’m to keep you satisfied. All voluntary help is appreciated. My requests for help will be with smile and good attitude; I hope your responses are the same; it’s very important to me.

13. You’re responsible to make or approve decisions about our respective responsibilities. First step: What don’t you want to be responsible for? It’s the same for mutually shared responsibility, such as budgeting, finances, major purchases, investment opportunities. I can’t expect perfection, just satisfaction that you’re on top of things.

14. I ask that I be made the senior and ruling member of the child-raising team and responsible for discipline. I ask that you fill two roles. My back up as husband and support as father responsible for fun and entertainment. If you don’t like their behavior or something else, don’t complain to or correct the kid except in emergency. Let me deal with him or her. Depend on me and I will keep you satisfied. In the meantime, show the kids how great dad is for satisfying their itch for fun, games, close association, and personal development. I intend to raise boys in your image and girls in mine.

15. You are the final authority behind my need to discipline the children. The threat is more effective than the use. The less often you’re involved, the less need for punishment, which means that I’ve got discipline working just fine. If I need you to punish, then I’ve done something wrong and am responsible to fix it quickly. I’m responsible to raise our kids to be nothing but a pleasure to you. I expect to never come crying to you about them.

16. Just as we adults remain throughout life, our toddlers start out as self-developers. As parents, we owe the world mature adults more than good children. Parental obligation supports self-development more than making them popular or ideal kids for others to judge. Consequently, I expect to guide them through moral issues, calm their anxieties, help lift them over uncertainties, strengthen their characters, and build a strong work ethic. With you as backup for punishment and support of my decisions, we can focus on what produces maturity rather than letting them drift toward adolescent peer pressure. That is, respectable kids who in the long run outshine and outdo the popular ones.

17. Whether I or we predominantly raise the kids, I ask that you support this family policy that I expect to use. As soon as the conscious mind opens in the third year, they will be affirmingly respected as a person, boy or girl, and later in their various roles as responsible family members. Examples: Your toddlers learn to save and earn respect. Son is trusted as the mower of our lawn and outside earner of money. Your daughter learns to be trusted as kitchen operator and highly feminine helper of others, such as babysitter for neighbors.

18. If our dreams differ about how the children should turn out as adults, we need to discuss and come to some agreement before they gain the wrong foothold in self-development. My belief is that chores and early responsibility produce maturity, and the lack thereof promotes immaturity. Both sexes grow up best by earning their way before puberty with more and more responsibilities assigned slightly ahead of whatever maturity they have reached.

19. As mother, my immediate boss is myself as wife. As head of household, you married wife and not mother. So, you rightly expect me as wife to satisfy you directly after satisfying myself about my performance as mother. IOW, regardless of how great I am as mom, my burden to satisfy you as wife tops it.

20. A highly productive household condition is that everyone has only one boss. Children report to mother, father reports to mother for fun and entertainment of kids, mother reports to wife as responsible for raising kids, and wife reports to husband that all goes well in his kingdom.

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2797. Wifely Leadership — 07: As Women Lead Men — II


Men are not familiar with the sensitive side of women. Some dive head-first into marriage wrapped tightly in their own agenda, in which case they operate as husbands who largely ignore wifely sensitivities. Others wrapped less tightly are still not fully aware of what’s important to her. Only wife can make husband aware of what is important to her, and readers and I are headed there.

With more than three dozen suggestions, I advise wives how to initiate leadership by discussing and shaping mutual opinions about sensitive matters.

The rules for initiating discussions are posted at 2796, which also contains the first three initiatives in this series. Another rule: If and when he interrogates on any point, DO NOT give examples of what either of you has done in the past. Blame or criticism usually spurs ones to defend against the person, and cooperation wilts as competition sets in.

These are ideas and concepts to bring up and discuss wifely sensitivities and reduce the impact of problems anticipated by her. Neither perfection nor total agreement is the goal; informing husband and gaining more agreement about wife-sensitive issues is the objective. It’s vital that neither side be perceived as wrong in these discussions.

A wife needs to verbalize each item her own way. It needs to fit in with her marital arrangements without offending husband; otherwise he’ll go on the defensive and not cooperate.

Any wife is the ‘I’ who speaks here, and ‘you’ is her husband. To the extent wife initiates such discussions and husband cooperates, she succeeds as a marital leader. The suggestions continue.

4. I am aware that men presume to ‘own’ their woman. Is she worth owning, however, if she’s but a hollow shell —her spirit sucked out by lack of feedback of her importance and little or no appreciation of her diligence?

5. I am responsible to keep you satisfied living with me. In return for doing it, however, I expect an ROI, my return on investment, which may be little more than a frequent look in your eye that I’m an overall good gal. I accept whatever ROI you choose to provide. However, these things convince me better: thoughtfulness, pleasantness, attention, affection, intimate time together, backup of my leadership raising the kids, and strokes of admiration for keeping you satisfied that I do well. With those I sense fulfillment.

6. I am responsible to manage our marriage under your leadership. You take care of the bigger things, and I take care of the lesser. The objective is to satisfy you first. This arrangement may crumble, however, if either of us finds fault and pushes too hard on the other.

7. I’m the primary housekeeper, my efforts are well intentioned, and good intentions that fail are more worthy of your empathy than sympathy. Empathy means I could use some help. Sympathy means you’re sorry I got myself in a mess. Men are never more handsome than when they gently rescue a woman in a mess of her own making and don’t hold it against her.

8. Blame has no place in our home. We are both capable of finding satisfaction with each other without blame or criticism. If not, we need to practice. We need an agreeable method to expunge blame or criticism so that ill-feelings don’t develop.

9. We love differently. Women are open and above board, but men are not. Therefore, I receive your love indirectly and not nearly as cheery as my love is expressed more directly. I have but one way of measuring your love; it’s how devoted you act toward me. If I see it, I can live with it. If I don’t see it, I feel hollow inside.

10. Anger aimed at self is okay, aimed at someone else is not. How can we incorporate that and diminish expressions of anger in our family? Is it enough to count to ten?

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2792. Wifely Leadership — 02: Her First Hurdle


NOTE: In the last post I said your puzzlement will clear beginning with next post, namely this one. However, it’s not to be, the clearer air I intended is delayed another day.

——

Whatever a man believes is the starting point for his wife to indirectly exert her influence; aka wifely leadership. However, she can’t change him. She has to uncover new ways for him to think, accept, and value differently a multitude of problematic matters. She does it best when she anticipates what’s coming and influences him beforehand. She gets his buy-in to either her way or negotiated settlements aimed at avoiding damage from what she foresees coming down the marital pike. Her first hurdle, however, originates in the male nature.

Marriage has a surprise beginning. Women don’t recognize how to turn these mysterious factors to their advantage. When a man proposes marriage, the male nature imports five hidden concepts about which much is subliminal.

  1. Whatever it is, he believes his love is sufficient. Conquest proved that he owns her. Unless fully devoted to her beyond the normal, he acts no differently to please her requests for more attention, affection, support, etc.
  2. He believes her expressions of love will signal her satisfaction with him and continually confirm her likeability and loyalty to him.
  3. He believes his love of her is genuine as she is now, and he expects her not to change. His nature doesn’t allow him to love a woman different from the original without assessing her according to the seven conditions of masculine love: his respect of her, his devotion, her likeability, her loyalty, his likeability to her, his loyalty to her, and his conclusion that he loves her truly.
  4. He believes married life for him will be the continuation of his single life (but she expects him to change and he won’t). He meets his marital obligations to the extent his devotion to her keeps him satisfied with himself.
  5. His nature avoids doing anything at which he expects to fail. So, if he isn’t fully responsible for their marriage, he believes he’s not sufficiently in charge to prevent failure. Challenging his sense of full responsibility weakens his sense of duty, which discourages his motivational force to do what’s right for her.

When we do what we believe, we do what is right—for us at that moment. Wives can’t get their man to change. They can only influence his thinking—and do it indirectly and patiently—to look at life’s problems before they happen. Living primarily in the future more than the present, it’s a piece of cake for the future-oriented, planning-capable, well-intentioned wife dedicated to keeping husband responsible for marital success, aka no separation.

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2791. Wifely Leadership — 01: Preliminaries


PRELIMINARY NOTES: The Trailer of What’s Coming

This is a bold, and perhaps too bold, move on my part. Pardon the hubris, but I’ve spent thousands of hours thinking of the likely consequences. Mostly about protecting compatibility before problems arise, I promote maximizing wifely influence and balancing male dominance with the unthinkable: previously ignored planning, negotiation, and discussion about responsibilities.

  1. This post opens a subject so huge I can’t seem to get it organized into a series. So, I’m going to itemize how women lead in marriage indirectly, patiently, and in bits and pieces only. I will let your questions bring out the motivational details, the details of why it works.
  2. Recall this, the basis of all I write is how the sexes are born differently. The emotional connections that govern life as a couple develop from lessons learned in life. I describe the naturally inherited background. You have already generated your own foreground, the emotionally connected and highly charged relationship anticipating or living with your man.
  3. The main theme comes from Cinnamon at post 1482, where she asks, “Is it really women who lead … after marriage, and not men?” I accept the challenge to show how its done. I spotlight the most important and toughest job for a woman to undertake. Each woman is born capable, but many lack courage to even tackle it—especially while romantic love still lives. Perhaps if they see the results I describe, the courage of some will increase and enable them to lead better. The HOW of doing it is embedded in the suggestions I make tomorrow.
  4. Among couples, leaders negotiate continually—he more directly, she more indirectly—to get the authority they need to get their way. However, the wife’s way may be weakened from too easily giving husband his way, or too drastically trying to overpower his arguments. It requires continuous work for wife to lead the way in many things of critical interest to her. Example: By outlawing blame, substituting self-imposed guilt, and stopping the imposing of guilt on one another, she can convert sour to pleasant attitudes among family members. It’s a huge benefit, but it requires leadership ability generally lacking in men.
  5. To lead is to provide the predominant influence. If he’s king, she needs techniques to inject her influence and make it dominate without offense. She does it best by anticipating future problems before they arise and talking them into the ground if necessary to conquer his natural stubbornness toward her influence. IOW, she has to make him talk about sensitive matters that he’d prefer to avoid. Example? He’s responsible for marital success, she’s responsible for delivering it for him. Or, she will raise and discipline the children, if he will just be their entertainer and tell her what he doesn’t like. Mostly work for her, mostly play for him. (Oughta be able to spin those discs for hours.)

I use this model: Marriage is an egg. Each man’s marriage proposal defaults to his being responsible for both marriage and shell. She defaults as the yolk composed of dreams, intentions, expectations, and personal responsibilities she expects to fulfill. The shell can’t get a clear view of the yolk because of its deep coloration and all the white stuff in between. The yolk can’t get a clear view beyond the shell because husband seeks to govern there. She’s the only one who sees well enough to govern their relationship, which sooner or later includes family life.

Everything else makes up the egg white between them. Wife is expected to drive the bus of compatibility pleasantly through disagreement, dispute, and resentment, which is the result of everybody trying to get their way at the expense of someone or others. Family life is as calm as wife/mother makes it with dynamic leadership, specifically exploiting her dominating influence earned indirectly through agreements with husband. If he won’t honor her desire to drive the bus that way, there are many other things he won’t honor either. Lack of honoring her desires means two things: He neither respects her enough nor is devoted to her above all others.

You are doubtless well puzzled by now, but I hope the air will clear beginning with next post, hopefully tomorrow.

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