2787. Screen Him and His Mother Together

If following her nature, a woman wants a good man as she defines good. In today’s social and domestic marketplaces, both a clear definition and good men are absent. According to women, that is. Men will argue the contrary all day long, but they neither make it clear nor right.

An old maxim says, he will treat you like he treats his mother. Keep that thought in mind, as I think you should spend more time in the company of your dates and their mothers together and even separately if your man is not available.

On her turf, his turf, and even your turf, check out how treats her. Then take it to the next level. Analyze specifics such as these examples:

• Does he listen attentively to her? What techniques does she use to capture and hold his attention?
• Does she wait at doors for his opening of them? Hold the car door? How else does she show her respect of him?
• Is his respect of her so sincere that it would happen even if you were not present?
• Is she satisfied with both herself and him? Does he read and accept her satisfaction in him?
• Does she seek to impress him or for him to impress her?
• Does she avoid whiny and complaining chatter? She fair minded as opposed to seeking equality in all that she manages?
• Does he help her with big things? Or just little things? How does she solicit his help, or just wait for him to detect her need and then act?
• Does the good order of her house convince you she had high standards and expectations when he was growing up?
• How much of her childhood influence remains in his adult character? Do you see it when alone with him?

A good movie shows off a mother who does most things right, if you measure her effort by her sons’ resounding goodness. I recommend Gifted Hands, which was made from Ben Carson’s autobiography. Tough moms harden boys into pleasing mom forever, which makes them good men.

Now, ladies, you are much more skilled than I about reading people and situations. My examples above are intended to get you started. There’s a lot more you can discover in the relationship of boyfriend and his mother.

I’m trying to foster this point in your thinking, your man is as good as his mother shaped him in childhood. Some remnants of her effort should be visible when they are together.

If mother didn’t teach him well, he ‘filled out’ his childhood by adapting his character, values, standards, and expectations according to teen peers. He’s no better than his fellow adultolescents. The early and not late childhood foretells a man will qualify as good for a girlfriend aimed at becoming his prospective wife.

The measuring stick that will help serve you is time spent in the company of boyfriend and his mother. If he does propose, you have a good feeling that he will treat you good. Befriend your future mother-in-law, and you’ll earn her help rather than no help or even disdain.

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2781. ‘Midlife Crisis’

We commonly use midlife crisis to refer to the unexplainable behavior of men as they pass through their fifties. They transit a phase of acting different, out of character to their spouses. As Gail Sheehy reports in her 1976 book, Passages, both sexes go through a series of passages throughout life. Entangled together for our purpose here, middle age and midlife passages generally run in that order from ages 40 to 60 for non-executive and 50 to 70 for executive-type men. During short periods within those spans, a man reassesses and reconfigures his life, sometimes against his best interest in the eyes of his spouse.

Her Highness Yellowblue asks me to share what I can to help deal with her husband. So, I offer these thoughts.

He questions:

• The self-admiration he gets from accomplishing what he works on routinely.
• His work life as less enjoyable; wonders how he got there and why he’s trapped in it.
• Whether past effort justifies his significance in life.

He seeks to:

• Give up the past, live a good life now and not 15 years from now.
• Let his feelings come out as more carefree and subject to change.
• Dissolve the success model of his past, restore some adolescent habits, and live in the ‘right now’

He’s ready to:

• Revise his life to make it more enjoyable with less effort; become more efficient living a good life.
• Enjoy more independence from others, welcome different attachments.
• Move his thinking from us-ness and more toward me-ness.

He:

• Reviews his thoughts about aging and imminent death.
• Displaces his inner contradictions from dependence on spouse (and does it faster than she can adjust).
• Finds more contrast than likeness with parents, spouses, and children and tends to reevaluate his life more independently in those relationships.

No two guys are alike, timing is unpredictable, and spousal reaction can become terrifying. It’s just another routine midlife crisis for his spouse to deal with.

Blog 2616 — Hero Day

A family should have as many hero days as members. So, I propose that women add this to their annual calendars.

Six months to the date after everyone’s birthday is their own personal Hero Day.

I suggest that the family recognize it as official. Recognition and celebration to include a family get together. Everyone present must present a reason to the celebrant why they are viewed as heroic or hero to the presenter.

No gifts to be exchanged. Also, gifts cannot be used to substitute for declaration about the celebrant. Only words are acceptable and hopefully amid smiles of affection.

I will be accused of watering down the definition of hero, but I suggest that uplifting of mates, siblings, and parents is worth it. We all want to be a hero of some sort. So why shouldn’t we have it shown to us from friendly faces capable of showering us with love, respect, approval, appreciation, or an honorable and genteel expression of the celebrant’s importance in the lives of those nearby?

2600. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 10

Still driving home after his proposal to Jenny, Hank continues to marvel at the courtship process that changed his life for the better. He reviews his goals for his weekend retreat. Does he jump off the ledge into marriage? His conclusion was yes (as we saw in the last chapter).

His memory moves to phase two about the leadership of a married man, what it means as a responsibility. Enjoying his reverie, he laughingly recalls two sayings his country-boy uncle usually spouted to defend his own bachelorhood. All men are born equal, but some grow up and get married. You can lead a horse to drink, but you can’t make him water. Hank dreams of someday being a favorite uncle with a laugh ready to share.

He returns to the second phase, a plan for next step with Jenny. He loves her, she loves him, but that isn’t enough. He accepts a full array of responsibilities. How does he take over their lives as a couple, get Jenny’s buy in and promise that she will stand behind him, and hold it together for a lifetime? He does not intend to fail, so he has to be sure of her, and love is never enough.

Following notes made earlier, Hank thought through his concerns about responsibility and leadership. Settling into his rhythm for the retreat, he records the results as eight principles to guide him and hopefully her.

When the retreat ends, he will plant his foot of leadership by negotiating dispute prevention and problem resolution before they are needed. Jenny and he together will discuss and negotiate reasonableness into the following to be used as guidance to help solidify a good life together and enable him to find satisfaction for his effort.

1. The purpose of life together is sharing; purpose of money is convenience; and purpose of extravagance is to please self at expense of someone else. He seeks agreement to no extravagance, neither in home, cars, nursery, Christmas presents, vacationing, nor child raising. They will have to negotiate a definition of extravagance for their home and life.
2. Recognizing that financial success comes not from how much money a couple has, he intends to control what they do have. Consequently, he expects one or the other will maintain a budget to control finances, will merge their incomes, and allocate by prioritized needs and wants. He plans to propose this: first, a savings budget: second, pocket money budget for each; third, a home life budget for Jenny to manage; and finally a family budget—aka temporary savings—to cover the remainder with both to manage it. Zero is not allowed in any budget; all must have allocations, otherwise savings can be forgotten when new income arrives. Except for emergencies, big expenses are incurred only with approval of both. Hank has final say when they dispute, except as they negotiate something else. Jenny has full access to records and audit capability. The one most capable, willing, and successful handles the budget process.
3. He will explain how he intends to lead by sharing responsibility, authority, and personal influence to generate respect and trust for all family members. The intent is to maximize benefits to home rule, relationships, and domestic harmony. (Details are at post 2540.)
4. He seeks agreement on how they will jointly raise children but she will be the disciplinarian. The kids will have only one boss, mother. She will have one boss, herself as wife of husband. Father will be more helper to mother than boss to the children. She knows how to do it instinctively, but Hank will insist ahead of time that they coordinate their thoughts into one model aligned with that described more clearly at post 2540.
5. He seeks agreement to settle all disputes before going to bed each night. Each is entitled to request that emotional wounds be mended with extra intimacy for her and extra satisfaction for him. The wounded requests, and the one requested must respond favorably—except that resentment on either side comes first and nullifies any and all requests. (Those who don’t resent are good spouses; those who resent after going to bed are less so, because they are not over the dispute and should not yet be in bed. IOW, successful dispute management comes from being a good person in the first place.)
6. He likes this friendly dispute avoidance policy. When they can’t decide because of lack of interest or trying too hard to please one another (e.g., where to eat out, or what TV show or movie to watch?) she has to make the dangling decision on odd-numbered days and he on even-numbered days. No abrogation of responsibility is allowed; he or she cannot escape their obligation. To prevent disputes and discourage thoughts of revenge, on days not their own neither spouse can object or find fault with decisions of the other. Them’s the rules! Forced by the calendar to be a bystander every other day, they have no authority to even quibble much less find fault or criticize. Tomorrow is their day to be wrong or unpopular but protected from critique, criticism, and possible revenge.
7. No parental disputes or even disagreements are allowed in front of the children or where they can hear. The first parent approached for conflict resolution or special consideration has responsibility and full authority to immediately rule on such issues and never to be questioned or reversed by the other parent. If thought to be wrong or their decision is unsatisfactory as seen by the other parent, both must take it up QUIETLY behind closed doors, resolve it for future occasions, and forgive and forget past events. Children are never to see anything but two parents in total agreement.
8. When principle and personal taste are in conflict, principle prevails. Here’s a respectable and easily contestable example. TASTE: Wife wants to know sex of unborn child but husband does not. PRINCIPLE: Husband believes that adoration of expectant mother suffers after disclosure that a boy or girl is expected. She deserves to be the hero for full nine months, because the infant will receive all her glory after it is born. Early disclosure of fetal sex focuses thoughts on an untouchable infant that is beyond emotional connection to other than the mom. Knowledge of sex effectively gives fetus a personality for others to love, which preoccupies them about matters other than mother’s well-deserved glory. Color of clothing, decorating of nursery, future planning, re-allocating of funds, grandparents’s shopping, and excitement or jealousy among older siblings. It all takes the focus off the expectant mother. She deserves more, actually the ultimate in attention, respect, and adoration, because she will lose those blessings as soon as her delivery pain subsides. Prenatal glory for mom shifts to post-natal glory for infant, and mother love initiates that changeover. No justification exists to speed up the changeover except personal taste and that of doctors and nurses, who I suppose, enjoy it. Anyway, not knowing the sex is Nature and God’s way of rewarding the discomfort of pregnancy and pain of delivery. Mom alone should protect the pleasure of transferring her glory to her child. Seeing that glory shift at her pleasure-loaded discretion is a monumental event and compensates her for many mundane things that plague other parts of her life. Mutual adoration and mom’s glory should be the sole aim of expectant parents until the baby is born. Then others can be invited to share in the shift of glory from mom to infant. Father’s excitement returns because his adored mate is okay again.

And so, with his eight principles clearly described, Hank is ready to return to Jenny and begin negotiating about their life together.

However, third phase of his retreat awaits; he has to prepare his soliloquy. He hopes to match her champagne eloquence about virtual virginity with his own about marital responsibility. Her goal will shortly be achieved, she conquered him. His goal is just beginning to envelope his life with….

 

2523. Battleground USA — Left Promotes, Right Defends

I suspect some readers may like a reference page to get an update on what’s been happening between the Left and Right. So, I compiled a list of 35 major points at which two sides battle in the background, while all the talking heads hide the fundamental principles the Right needs to support, defend, and initiate a comeback to restore America.

To my view, the list is essential to the proper defense against the Leftist ideology and regulatory state—aka federal government—that is the culprit destroying our nation. There are more, and I’ll post as they become more evident.

The Left has for years been on open attack against everything on the Right. Empowered by the way Congress deliberately writes ambiguous laws, bureaucratic regulation is the main vehicle by which they have already changed our country. Successful in regulatory bits and pieces, the Left is encouraged to finish the job without restraint. It’s up to the Right to stop it.

So, I cite major points from which the Left is attacking the Right’s defense. It is offered for those who may profit mentally. I list political opposites for background, but I can’t make a list very reader friendly. But neither is losing our country very friendly to mainstream Americans.

The LEFT dismantles, the RIGHT is the only hope. No one else guards the values and standards that generated American greatness.

THE LEFT PROMOTES vs. THE RIGHT DEFENDS

1. The group comes first vs. Individuals come first

2. Secular-Humanism vs. Judeo-Christian culture

3. Rule of Man vs. Rule of Law

4. Rights come from government vs. Rights come from God

5. Regulation vs. Freedom

6. Propaganda vs. Truth

7. Progressivism vs. Free-market capitalism

8. Power vs. Principles plus common sense

9. Popular vote vs. Representative’s vote

10. Political preference vs. Political principle

11. Political correctness vs. Freedom of speech

12. National popular vote vs. Electoral College

13. Nanny state vs. Self, family, and opportunity

14. Multiculturalism vs. The Melting Pot and e pluribus unum

15. Moral relativism vs. Morality based on the Bible.

16. Materialism vs. Self-reliance

17. Malpractice vs. Tort reform

18. Living Constitution vs. Amendment is required

19. Judicial activism vs. Only Congress legislates

20. Hate speech vs. Thoughts are not criminal

21. Government growth vs. Limited government

22. Government grants freedom vs. Liberty comes from Natural Law.

23. Government creates jobs vs. Wealth creates jobs.

24. Globalism vs. Patriotism/Nationalism

25. Feminism vs. Feminine

26. Federal mandate vs. Local control

27. Expand the popular vote nationally vs. State and local power

28. Equality vs. Fairness

29. Environmentalism vs. Private property rights

30. Diversity vs. Merit

31. Democracy vs. Republic

32. Competition bad vs. Competition good, balances power

33. Collectivism vs. Individualism

34. American faults vs. American exceptionalism

35. Aggrandize more power vs. Balance power to prevent excesses

I encourage all readers to use their superior gender talent and influence to energize themselves and the men in their lives to turn up the heat to restore what we used to have. I don’t have enough time left to enjoy it, but I’ve done my part with a little more to offer as we go along. Men won’t do it on their own; too many have already been bought off by the Left, or are too busy, or just don’t care. My hope is that women care enough. They are not alone, but they have to recruit others to help.

2499. Love and Sex That Never Die

Of all the motivational forces working inside males and females, two stand out as both strongest and unchangeable. An inborn and primal love for females and an inborn and primal sex drive for males. As motivating equivalents, they are the hardest to blunt or change. They are not opposites to be balanced, however, and only women can make relationship harmony out of the difference.

Mother love is unconditional and the most powerful and reliable form of love. Returned or not, it’s a love that never dies but spreads easily and comfortingly to both sexes.

The male sex drive to conquer attractive women for first-time sex together is equally compelling. Whether fulfilled, appreciated, or not, it’s a drive that never dies. It’s an activity, however, that is kept in the shadows with no social or domestic benefits redeemable by unmarried women.

This difference makes female the superior gender. Mother love spreads splendidly with more children. It makes better mothers, easier-to-raise children, and is contagious enough to even make better fathers. It supports the innate female drive to be good, do good things to prove it, and induce men to do good in order to be better men. The more mother love that spreads around, the better are both society and the cultural values and standards that follow and support it. Father love is generally not contagious, as love is not a prime male interest.

One instinctive motivation reinforces men as the dominant gender. Men affirm their dominance to hide determination to be different from women, especially to fulfill the primal urge to conquer the unconquered. Conquest does not grow the man, does not make him a better person, Consequently, the conqueror as such contributes little to making society better and can destroy his own family by fulfilling that primal urge.

When exposed to good mother love spread over many children, a man’s interest in conquest deteriorates in favor of devotion to those he can love more if he disregards the lures outside the home. Mother love favorably influences fathers, and the more the better. It is indirect leadership that lures the male nature to join the lovingly pleasant atmosphere that mothers develop. Two abiding strengths of mother love are plenty of smiles to confirm acceptance and guidance with few complaints to lead positively. Those are the same wifely behaviors that deliver home life satisfaction to husbands.

You heard it here first. That is why families should plan for six children so they will end up with at least five and can handle seven or eight. The indirect but pleasant pressures of mother love make more responsible fathers out of irresponsible men, outstanding mothers out of average women, potential good parents out of children, and matriarchal dynasties for grandparents. The source of all is the love of mothers for offspring, and the more children the merrier for all involved. Selfishness disappears, self-centeredness morphs easily into family-centeredness, tendency toward narcissism is suppressed by need to be accepted.

Thus, it is proportional. Multi-child responsibility brings out more of a woman’s natural managerial talent, skill, and enthusiasm—that for which she is born with a supremely superior ability. The admiration of husband and father exceeds that of a virtuous woman; she becomes his superstar with about the fourth or fifth child. It’s God’s design, nature, and hormones in operation.

When mother love dominates families and society, the superiority of it shines in many homes. At the earliest stages, kids learn good and bad, moral and evil, respect and love. We all benefit in society when mother love is widespread and dominating both social and domestic  landscapes. It takes more children to bring it out in the open.

2452. Why Isn’t Sex Enough? II — Her Side-b

To explain the huge impact of apparently minor events, hyperbole is used below. It’s purposely made to sound as if they can’t get along. To keep her man, a woman has to eliminate the negative influences and hope for the best out of what she can keep together. I present the gloomy side.

A man can find sex almost anywhere. So, availability doesn’t keep him. Neither does frequency and convenience, although those are prime movers. In fact, sex isn’t enough to keep him with her because he expects so much more out of anyone to whom he sacrifices his independence. He saw promise in her, they married, and his expectations live on. Of course, hers do too.

In order to keep her man, a woman inherits the challenges of meeting his expectations so that it makes his present life so much the better for having her. Paramount are respect for who he is, gratefulness for what he does, and dependence on him, which he measures by her morale and attitude. Her expectations are mostly that he will cooperate with her plans and ideas for harmonizing their home such that it brightens their future.

If she doesn’t produce the harmonized relationship he envisioned, he choose poorly because she changed. They had a harmonious relationship before. I know of three women who changed dramatically from the gals their men married, and divorce ensued. Over a couple decades husbands morph into Mr. Right when wives play their cards correctly, but men don’t change nor tolerate their wife changing early in marriage. If husband doesn’t cooperate early on, it’s a good sign that he won’t morph later.

Marital bliss arises out of their meeting each other’s expectations, a major part of which is predictability about the other. When they can accommodate each other’s expectations, it enables wife to harmonize their efforts and brighten their future. Unfortunately, they may never get there due to whimsical, bad-tempered, selfish, or unreasonable reactions by one or both.

He expects to see evidence by her actions that signify and symbolize her respect, gratitude, and dependence and her words that match. Example: She fails if she yells at him for bringing home white bread when she asked for wheat. The yelling is a minor deviation, yes, but it irritates and a few irritations compound negative reactions that quickly sour harmony.

Relationships are held together more by the absence of put downs, irritants, and blame than by the expected glue of respect, love, romance, togetherness, passion, sex, friendship, and companionship. Yes, negatives dissolve glue more easily than the glue enables one to overlook, excuse, forgive, and forget the negatives; the last term is defined as anything that disrespects, stimulates emotional eruptions, or turns one mate off to the other.

When wife complains directly and out loud to husband, he may be guilty. But she blames and he refuses to accept guilt from her. Seeking to avoid her anger, he contradicts to save face or seeks to escape mentally or physically. Her direct complaints are not easily accepted the way wife would like.

She has skills and talents for indirectly registering her dissatisfactions, and it works better in the long run by avoiding negative encounters. That’s another of his expectations; she knows how to handle complaints such that they don’t bother him. She can do it, so let her handle it. If she can’t handle it, it’s a matter for him but it had better be important.

When he’s overly demanding or emotionally upset, she feels put down for little reason. She has the necessary expertise to handle it, and husband expects just that. He’s direct and expects her indirectness to resolve whatever needs resolution. Her indirectness respects and compliments his leadership. Lack of pressure from her enables him to accept self-imposed guilt, which can easily prompt him to agree with her without acknowledging it.

Of course it’s unfair and hyperbolic but worthy of mention here. He expects her to almost never be demanding or emotionally upset. She’s too good a person, solid a wife, and expert at managing things satisfactorily. He saw those things in her or she would not have been such a good potential mate. As a problem solver, his nature pushed him to look for avoidance rather than later come up with a cure.

It’s another unfair situation. As the expert, it’s the wife’s job to manage emotional disturbances back into peaceful accommodation without permanent damage to their relationship. Men are incapable of such management; they can explode and cause the need, but only she can provide satisfactory resolution.

Enough for now about the negatives. It’s not sex that keeps a man. It’s the absence of negatives like those above. (I’ve heard this from many divorced men: “I got tired of putting up with her s***!”)

Let’s look at how relationship glue is strengthened—next.