Category Archives: How she loses

2756. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 07 Formula for Success


A formula exists with significant potential for marital success. Follow it and separation is not likely to cloud the marital horizon. It is this.

Formula. Wife starts each day in a happy frame of mind + she’s grateful for and likes who she is and what she does + she’s grateful for the man and kids she does it with + she allows her heart to outwardly reflect and shower her gratitude on those nearby and it = another great day. All of which confirms her self-confidence and gratefulness and brings on a steady and predictable state to her marital affairs.

Spinning out of her great day, her dynamic presence in the lives of her family overwhelms whatever negative outcomes they each may face. She’s in charge by acting in charge; she’s effective by getting her way, because she doesn’t rule but helps guide the self-development of family members. It’s her show to run, but most wives probably lack the first ingredient—‘wife starts each day in a happy frame of mind’.

And readers say, “you mean she only has to be happy?” Yes, but it’s a specific kind and cause, a derivative of the night before, and the major point of this article.

I know it sounds too simple and fanciful, but I’m about to answer the troublesome issue we ponder here. How does she get to a happy frame of mind each morning? She gets it in bed the night before.

You gals can claim that I’m wrong, but I’ll stick with three assumptions.

  1. A wife is as happy in the morning as husband confirmed the night before that she is very important to herself, extremely important to him, and essential for preservation of their relationship. Not satisfied sexually although it may have happened, but confirmed with lovemaking and intimacy that erases any and all doubt about her worthiness and importance to him and life together. IOW, sex without lots of post-coital intimacy is neither good lovemaking nor motivation to be happy the next morning.
  2. A happy woman in the morning is not out to find flaws or faults in her man, disruptions in her life for which she can blame someone else, or otherwise kill the gratefulness in her heart for who she is and what she does. She’s out to build upon the grand fortress she’s fortunate to have found in bed with an adoring and superlative lover. IOW, intimacy dominates her sex life, and post-coital intimacy is the most valuable. When it’s lacking, lovemaking is incomplete and happy doesn’t crown her attitude the next day. She’s as happy today as husband made her feel important last night.
  3. Her husband has no idea that she’s made that way, so dependent on his behavior in bed. A man knows that if she experiences orgasm, he’s done his job and a good one too. He believes what he figures out. Consequently, knowing that he and willy are great lovers, he’s pretty much into either poke, come, and go or he seeks new sexual adventures. Whichever way he takes them, he’s fully qualified and eager to prove his lovemaking ability.

See the dilemma? Wife knows what she needs but he doesn’t. He thinks orgasm is enough, she knows better. He professes lovemaking skills, which turns him against learning something new. He figures he knows her sexual side full well, that’s all that counts in bed, and so his beliefs become more inflexible and his sexual habits more disappointing over time. To him, sexual prowess depends on techniques with his willy more than embracing, holding, and stroking her body amid affectionate whispering in her ear.

IOW, they are not even close to being on the same wavelength about sex and her importance in his and her life together. Wives learn to fake whatever they need in order to preserve the relationship. It means they subordinate intimacy to relationship solidarity. It’s an investment of herself, but not a very rewarding one.

Women need for men to be better lovers; specifically, spreaders of intimacy as the major outcome of sexual relations.

To tell a man that is to insult him. Women need a strategy to coax and coach husbands into becoming better intimacy-based lovers. It’s next if I can produce it.

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2755. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 06 Kill the Blame


Our Judeo-Christian culture degenerates as feminist-inspired lack of respect for the opposite sex spreads the use of blame to change manly behavior. Both sexes claim that relationship problems are the fault of the other side. Everyday pressures seem to make wives almost eager to find blame with husbands. It’s become habitual and perhaps epidemic in relationships.

Blame is so offensive and treacherous that it offers no escape. Hidden barbs continue to irritate the relationship skin long after peace has apparently been restored.

It’s not that men always or that all men resent blame, but women should expect it in order to know how to best deal with their man. The long-range objective is marital success, no separation now or ever. The immediate objective should be to avoid blame. Find some other way to lead her man to what she finds acceptable.

Men view their wife’s dissatisfactions this way. If he can do something about it, he will try. If not, why dump it on him? If neither she nor he can handle it, they can get someone else. What’s the big deal that warrants her blaming him?

 The Scene. Within a couple’s life, compatibility is essential, cooperation is both her incentive and overpowering talent, and collaboration and his alliance should be her goal. OTOH competition with her man is her enemy, because it’s the root of blame and with which men refuse to live.

Men do not willingly compete with their woman. They rely on dominance to get their way, when they have to have it. They fear the indignity of losing to a physically weaker person, and so they avoid or end competition to favor themselves.

Women seem to think that because men often resemble little boys in their behavior, they should be treated as little boys and they will behave better. Wifely frustrations often inspire women to raise their voices, get in their man’s face, and proclaim or preach female insistence about things. They want their way, and they want it now. Their anger fades after they unload on him, but the damage is done at his end. She considers him inadequate, insignificant, or worse or so it seems to him. In response, her likeability deteriorates and her loyalty becomes suspect.

Sometimes quietly and sometimes not so quietly, men resent, resist, and often retaliate. His woman’s blame deals a blow to a man’s sense of significance, which energizes his greatest offense to prove her wrong if only by claiming it if he can’t prove it.

It’s her right to defend her territory as she sees fit, and pop culture and media programs exemplify it. The matriarchal push of Feminism causes women to broadcast their rights and privileges into the ever-resentful faces of men. Having the right to do it, however, doesn’t mean its right to do it. But women learn that point after their man leaves them.

The subject is blame. If women use it, their man will use it against them and include every intent to win and restore his sense of dignity, responsibility, and personal significance.

Foreground. Couples don’t think about it as clearly or directly as this. Husband expects to be responsible to see that their marriage hangs together, but she’s in charge of the details. Wife expects to see that all goes well and successfully in their relationship, home, and family, but he’s responsible to provide what she needs or lacks.

Many hidden agendas are wrapped up in the current scene, and blame is both the easiest and worst outlet for failure to work together. Why don’t they work together? Because competition stifles cooperation and collaboration and opens the door to blame.

The good wife avoids competition with husband; she pushes for cooperation until they collaborate jointly and successfully. She avoids competition knowing full well that it’s the starting point of blame.

What causes them to compete? Each mate is inborn with desire to get their way with others, and they often lack mutual respect for the other’s person and role. The most prominent causes are these: 1) One mate doesn’t respect, trust, or dislikes what the other does, and so they over supervise and tell the other HOW to do what they do. Competition highlights such encounters. 2) Each trying to get their way stirs competition. Ignoring her ability to be patient, wife is unable to yield to his decisions in the present, so that she can prevail in the future.

Competition squeezes out cooperation and prevents collaboration, which far too easily becomes habitual. Bad habits over time defeat marital success.

In action. When things go astray or wrong with husband, wives tend to favor two approaches.

  1. She blames him to the full extent of his wrongdoing with the mistaken expectation that he will correct himself and not do it again; that he will try harder to meet her expectations in the future.
  2. She may even seek to punish him, as if he’s a little boy. It insults him, and she can expect resistance, retaliation, or worse.

She may get her way, but it’s not likely their compatibility will improve when wife takes either approach. Neither is it likely he will change to meet her future expectations.

Blaming him increases competitive pressure, deposits irritants amidst their mutual likeability, and weakens compatibility, all at the same time. Blame is poison to a man, especially coming from his woman. Blame makes him want to do the opposite of what she hopes to achieve. (It’s not an alibi, it’s his competitive nature to fight back and dominant urge to win against physically weaker foes.)

Moreover, here’s some husband-think. He knows she has the ability to register dissatisfaction with him in a more agreeable way. She ought to use her considerate kindness; it’s a virtue that helped promote interest in her as his wife. If forgetfulness isn’t in her hand of cards, where is his payday when he needs it?

Moreover, she’s endowed with magnificent powers of forgiveness, if her man deserves special consideration for all else that he does. She can downgrade his offense or forgive his wrongdoing and compensate herself by finding and claiming gratitude that credits hubby for keeping her satisfied with their relationship. Not the easiest strategy by far, but the most agreeable for her long range interests. Forgiveness being a female strength, why not use it to keep the relationship she has worked so hard to cultivate?

The forgiveness part is easiest for her, but his main interest is that she forget it. He doesn’t feel forgiven unless it’s forgotten, because she can use it against him sometime in the future. He made a mistake and will do better, provided she can forget it. It’s a concession men are usually willing to make; he’ll do better if she will forget it this time.

Overlooking his wrongdoing and giving hubby credit for his presence and achievements reinforces their compatibility and enhances prospects for marital success. Blame offends him, but allowing him to skate relatively free confirms that all is okay with her, he must be okay too, and so their marriage is okay. Nothing to use against him in the future.

Thus, acceptance of his flaws strengthens their compatibility. Forgiveness strengthens her heart for handling those who need to find merit in themselves and to more assertively please her. And her ability to forget calms his fears about the next time he needs her forgiveness.

If she’s unsatisfied with him, blame or threats are her worst strategies. It puts them in competition, invites future battles over other matters, and men don’t lose battles to their woman.

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2754. Life Made Simpler for Women — 15


  1. Sex bonds a woman but not a man. Their having first sex together does not produce the fallout that women expect, and it can devastate her after she becomes aware of it.
  2. Don’t try to impress a date with a romantic dinner at your place; romantic to you isn’t encouraging to him. Better to feed him in a comfortable atmosphere that encourages his romantic initiative. Men do comfort naturally and do romance to impress or get close to a woman.
  3. Conquest of a woman confirms a man’s self-admiration and reinforces self-satisfaction for goal achievement. It frees and nudges him to locate and move toward another sex target. Before conquest, his mind was made up that she’s a keeper, good for booty, or disposable. (His nature works that way more than it being her fault.)
  4. Men chase women endlessly. They try to spread seed because of an unconditional primal urge to conquer that rivals mother love in intensity, drive, and permanence. His ability expires but thoughts survive; ambitions fade but dreams persist of what might have been.
  5. Getting competitively in husband’s face for wife to win her way causes marital wrecks. Among other advantages possessed by females, cooperation enables wives to keep husband focused on getting his way in the present while she focuses on getting her way in the future.
  6. Men seek sex to admire themselves, while women seek romance to confirm their importance. If women don’t stand up for themselves to reinforce their self-respect, then disrespect of females dominate the social marketplace and frustrate female dreams. Men don’t give respect for no reason; it has to be earned.
  7. Women are born loaded with self-love that enables them to love others. Not so with regard to respect. As born, women lack self-respect, and they can’t give what’s not in their hearts. They earn self-respect as young girls doing chores and other accomplishments that match up with their feminine nature. As they mature, they can show heartfelt respect for boys and men.
  8. Men are born loaded with self-respect but lacking in self-love. They learn to love themselves as young boys doing manly chores and masculine accomplishments that match up and smooth out their unpolished nature. After they develop successfully, they can show heartfelt love for girls and women.

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2748. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 01 Introduction


Seventeen years ago I set out to develop ‘a golden formula’ for successful marriage, defined as they do not separate. Not perfect and perhaps not even very good marital arrangements, but mutually satisfying for who they are and what they have as a couple plus some method to hold them together.

I was motivated by this comparison. Grace and I had 59 years of success in our one and only marriage. We saw so many broken marriages that included our three sons. Why was separation for Grace and me so difficult, and yet so easy for so many others?

I discovered that couples are not held together by common emotional connections such as love, vows, mutual likeability, legal pressures, and good intentions. All of which are prompters of motivation stronger within women than men. Although highly exploited, those connections are only fronts and often temporary. They are positive concepts and affirming emotions that help a lot but are less influential than negative disruptions that too easily pile up in pressure fronts and disturb relationship equilibrium and steadiness.

Example: Husband goes off to work with wife’s kiss and nice wishes the last thing out the door. Before the car is out of the garage, his mind is elsewhere. With men, positive endorsements of his importance to others is well known to him. It’s not a concern or worry, and he has more important matters to occupy his thoughts today.

If the same thing happens to wife, she’s more inclined to longer enjoy his departing thoughts. Perhaps until she gets to the first stop sign or light. Positive and affirming thoughts are essential for successful marriage, but they are less impressive and occupy the mind far less than statements that identify or criticize one’s individuality.

Couples are held together better by the absence of little things that accumulate, offend, and wear down one or the other mate: blame, shame, irritants, impatience, misunderstandings, criticism, nagging, fault-finding, unfilled promises, abuse, and disrespect. All of which can too easily accumulate and morph into contestable pressures so unacceptable that one or both has to escape. IOW, personal differences drown out the attractions of gender differences. Separation follows based on determination of one or the other to escape their anti-respectful, self-induced environment in which opinions differ as to one’s worth to self or the other.

Too little respect motivates one mate to express negative opinions about the other. True respect for someone discourages defining or describing their faults; respect encourages their acceptance, warts and all. So, when mutual respect is not present, love and vows and other affirming connections are not enough to hold a couple together.

The roots of mutual respect one gender for the other, one guy for one gal and vice versa goes back in time. So, it begins with how they are born to be distinctly different from birth and even before. Next, there’s a difference between the war and the battle of the sexes.

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2746. Wisdom from Miss Gina #4


Thanks to Miss Gina for amplifying post 2745, When Ladies Reign, Men Pay More Attention. She speaks clearly, so I quote her.

“I totally agree with your comments.

“Ladies, don’t expect other women to cheer you on as you become more feminine and adopt higher standards! In fact, you are likely to see more attempts to bully and stab you in the back. You may be unceremoniously and unkindly dumped by females you thought were friends, as well. Your newfound feminine confidence (and friendship with God) will move you forward, though. Other women are thinking, “Who does she think she is? She’s no better than the rest of us.” And of course, in a sense, you aren’t, but you do recognize the great value that God has placed inside each of us, whereas they don’t. You also have come to realize that having the best in life doesn’t come easily, whereas they want something for nothing. This is just a natural sifting as you change your stature in the world, because you will also notice greater acceptance from those few other women who think and act as you do.

“Once they have seen that they can’t drag you back to their level, you may also eventually notice that the former women start taking better care of themselves and being more feminine, as well, but they probably won’t tell you it’s because of your influence.

“Meanwhile, a high-value lady will notice a definite increase in interest from men of all types, from little boys to elderly men. (More reason for the loser girls to be mad…) Much of this interest will show itself in the form of gentlemanly behavior. Men and boys both just want to talk with a pretty, feminine woman. (OK, other stuff, too…but all men *do* enjoy talking with a clever, kind, and attractive lady–and just doing so can make their day.) Men intrinsically understand work, value, and price. Of course many will try to get something for nothing, but they are very conscious of the concept, nonetheless.”

Thank you, Miss Gina.

 

 

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2743. Sexual Relations and the Male Mind


Not surprisingly, sexual relations affects a man’s mind very differently from the minds of women. We shall look at vaginal intercourse, cunnilingus, fellatio, and irregular forms as their effects apply to couples living together. (Players and singles are motivated by other interests, and so the following may or may not apply.)

For simplicity, allow me to reduce vaginal intercourse to two kinds as viewed by the female mind. Lovemaking at its most and least satisfying for women.

Most Satisfying. Vaginal intercourse preceded by enough foreplay and followed by intimate afterplay make a love object of a man’s woman, as she recognizes it. If done effectively to meet her expectations, she longs for more. It confirms her importance as mate and gratitude as love object—‘I’m still attractive and he loves me’.

Springing automatically from each urge to merge with his mate, a loving and knowledgeable man demonstrates his devotion, respect, and her worth. Life with her and satisfaction with himself combine to motivate him to do well. He seeks to please her for the sake of satisfying himself that she deserves his best effort doing what he promised her, his love. As his loyal and exclusive love interest, her naked presence energizes him to exploit his responsibility, do his duty and do it well. He recognizes that she alone is qualified to asses his performance. His actions confirm her importance to him, and she admires him for demonstrating it.

So long, that is, as her feedback in no way questions his techniques, competence, or results. Given negative feedback on such sensitive subjects, a man loses interest in his mate and seeks satisfaction elsewhere. If she doesn’t inspire him with her satisfaction, his lovemaking efforts diminish with loss of self-respect and her loyalty to him alone becomes suspect.

The more time he devotes to each event, especially post-coital holding, the more likely he gets better and she appreciates his prowess. His likeability in her eyes for gently playing with her body energizes him to spend more time at it. The more sincerely enjoyable to her, the greater his inspiration to keep her that way. Any lack of her enjoyment drives a man to take short cuts, be more efficient and usually leads to less foreplay, afterplay, and intimate holding.

For the same unselfish reasons, a man performs cunnilingus and reinforces in her mind that he treasures her. His giving of himself out of respect and love to please her is the direct opposite of her giving fellatio, shown below.

Least Satisfying. Not all men are in relationships that inspire and motivate such extensive and satisfying lovemaking. Not all women know how to cultivate that mindset in themselves and their mate. So, let’s ignore any shortened versions of lovemaking and presume vaginal intercourse alone as the only other option that prevails between mates.

For the woman, the least satisfying vaginal intercourse comes when the man pleases himself with little or no regard for pleasing her. Foreplay, afterplay, and intimacy are weak or missing. His duty is to himself and he selfishly fulfills it. Poke, come, and go! If she’s pleasured too, it’s a bonus. The effect on the male mind confirms that she’s useful but not necessary to keep around.

OTOH, the attractions that keep a couple together are enshrouded in the connections, comforts, pleasantries, and compatible practices embedded in the most satisfying version of vaginal intercourse above.

Fellatio and irregular forms of sexual relations reduce women to under appreciated sex objects. Many men come to prefer the symbol of their dominance to providing satisfying vaginal intercourse. That is, fellatio outranks intercourse in the hearts of some men, especially the control-types.

Women victimized by fellatio and irregular forms yearn for but can find little or no manly respect. They become subjects of selfishly inspired male dominance; fellatio confirms a man’s worth as dominator. It is the ultimate confirmation that she’s dominated in matters of importance to her man. Trying to get her way with him, she finds that her ideas and suggestions have less merit than before she gave fellatio.

In law, penetration is sufficient to prove rape. In relationships, penetration of mouth is sufficient to prove dominance. In dominance, those looked down on and made submissive are not respected very highly. Those dominated in marriage face this. Imbalance in mutual respect leads to incompatibility, which leads to a dissatisfied wife and a man made more prone to infidelity.

The minds of both sexes are impacted and shaped by sexual relations. The most satisfying vaginal intercourse satisfies women. The least satisfying for women mostly affects the male ego. Fellatio and other forms turn women into victims of male dominance. Not so much what women do as to the effect it has on the male mind; that of not respecting those they dominate. And a man’s love is first founded on respect, or his love doesn’t develop fully.

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2739. Disclosure Drowns Her Mystique — I


In another media, a lady inquired on a subject that could stand refreshment.

“Btw, Sir Guy, there is some dating advice out there that says that in order to connect deeply with a man’s heart we need to show our vulnerable side…our feelings. Men live in their heads so to connect with their hearts they need a woman who is connected to hers. We are supposed to speak in ‘feeling messages’ like ‘that film made me feel really nostalgic” – etc. What is your take on this?” (Error in the bolded phrase is described in Section II.)

Section I

My take? Good women beware! It’s garbage for the long range future of a woman. First, it’s not likely to get much out of men. Second, men don’t appreciate unearned gifts, so she’s not helping herself.

Sharing one’s emotions is just a shortened version of full disclosure. More importantly, it’s a feminist technique to shorten the road to bed with a man who’s not pursuing or approaching conquest fast enough. She’s anxious to have sex with him; why is he so slow?

If a woman has any of the following hopes or wishes unloading and expecting him to match her level of emotional disclosure, it defeats her expectation.

  • She’s hard-to-get and intends to use it to screen men better for good enough qualifications.
  • She’s interested primarily in a long term relationship, hopefully married with enough kids to satisfy her later with grandchildren.
  • She has a hard time believing what men have to say about themselves, and so she wants to associate with one for a longer time before she commits much of herself.
  • She feels comfortable when other don’t know what and who she is or is all about. IOW, she has agendas that she wants to keep personal until she’s married or nearly so.
  • She expects to get her way later in life negotiating two-sided decisions in a compatible relationship.
  • She expects not to be dominated by a strong-willed man who refuses to respect her inputs for marital decisions.
  • She expects to compete with a man before marriage in order to make sure that she knows who he is and what to expect before she accepts his proposal.
  • She expects to reserve her cooperative spirit until they are married. She expects to get her way before that.

Men neither think nor act as women do in emotional matters. More importantly, when a man knows a woman’s emotional makeup, he can imagine her reactions to his initiatives. That is, he can get inside her heart and mind to please himself, know what red flags to avoid for the present, how more easily to cover his mistakes, hide his ultimate intentions, give her the words she likes to hear, and otherwise fulfill his various agendas that work to her disadvantage.

 

NOTE: Full disclosure was covered at post 383 as contrary to hard-to-get.

Section II tomorrow at 2740.

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