Category Archives: How she wins

2667. Predicting and Making Marital Success


This post disagrees with popular opinion about the worthiness of men. So be it. In the vernacular, marriages fail because conventional wisdom sucks.

Husbands are born to rule their marriage, but wives are born to run it. If the wife doesn’t run it and the husband at least appear to rule it, marital success doesn’t follow. She runs their marriage by getting her way in every way practicable and not dissatisfying way to him.

A ruler isn’t supposed to work except on his personal matters. Everyone else keeps the king satisfied. That’s all he needs, satisfaction with himself. So, the less involved he is, the easier to keep him satisfied with himself and those around him. Satisfied people stay in place; it generates stability.

And that’s where this article comes in. When the obligated member of the superior sex exploits her advantages without dissatisfying the obligated member of the dominant sex, the superior member gets her way more and more and oftener and oftener.

A husband’s satisfaction is the greatest determinant and measure of marital success. Men can live with far less than women expect. He gets his way when he wants it, and his sense of self-satisfaction determines when he gets enough. Worse for her, the greatest evidence is that she perceives his taking her for granted.

Here’s a way to measure the present-day condition of a marriage to determine how likely it will lead to marital success, defined as not perfect, perhaps not good, but the couple is unlikely to separate. IOW, these are the essentials that motivates a man to stay with his woman. A satisfied man doesn’t look for more to do inside her domain, so she reaps the reward of getting more of her way.

The following is a model to show men and women motivated by their natures. It excludes lessons learned in life by both sexes and, therefore, does not predict how individuals react in life.

  1. Husband is satisfied with himself in his current life. His life is programmed around achieving and maintaining that condition.
  2. Therefore, he made a wise move to quit living by himself and take up living with her. IOW, he’s satisfied with his marriage.
  3. He’s satisfied with wife filling her various roles in life: mate, woman, lover, housekeeper, mother, friend, et al. His respect and devotion to her and her likeability and loyalty are good enough to keep her.
  4. He is satisfied living with her, although if he tried he might find faults or shortcomings. But what the heck, why look. It’s good enough as is.

It works bottom to top. She generates the conditions that produce 3 and 4 from which he concludes 1 and 2. At any step, continuing and disruptive dissatisfaction could lead to his departure.

It makes wife’s job so easy. She only has to keep him satisfied with who she is and what she does. How could it be more simple to keep her husband? She has every ability to detect when he’s dissatisfied or unsatisfied with something and to fix it or alleviate the pressure. She may always want to fix it a certain way, but she can’t plead ignorance or innocence. Her relationship expertise qualifies her as sufficient.

Wives are not accustomed or happy working at the level of satisfaction. Their nature differs. They expect to do better. When they feel satisfied, there’s something else to do. They look elsewhere. They want to do more. Modern women to their everlasting discredit, expect to make their husband as satisfied as wife, but she’s never satisfied. Always more to do, improvements to make, worries to assuage—and he won’t get off his…. (Unfortunately, grudging is the seed for more faults, complaints, and endless bickering to get him doing something she wants or expects).

She gets to use the quiet female version of out-competing him as both husband and man. She gets her way more often. The proper wife gets her way in areas about which he senses no responsibility or doesn’t care how she does it. For example, the domestic scene.

Hence, by satisfying herself by getting her way more and more often, she need only keep an eye on him that he’s satisfied. She can dominate the marriage, because she gets to do what she wants to do. She gets her way as long as he is satisfied with himself.

Q. It makes one wonder; how come so many marriages fail?

A. Wives just have to do, say, and expect things about which husband doesn’t care to be involved. Wives don’t aim to keep his sense of satisfaction intact with himself as their measuring stick. They expect more; an apparent satisfied husband is not doing enough.

These things particularly disturb a man’s self-satisfaction:

  • She complains about things, which he translates to mean he’s not okay because he doesn’t fix those things. Is he guilty? To blame? She’s not okay so it must be his fault.
  • She complains or suggests that he’s at fault. Not again! What now? Guilty? Blame? She’s probably disguising something other than what she’s talking about? Should he have seen it first? He was that way when they married, why now? What’s really bugging her?
  • She alibis for herself by explaining herself. Why tell him? She can fix it or already has.
  • She complains about others as if he can do something. It’s her tone and manner that irritates and disturbs his sense of satisfaction with her.

Modern marriage can’t exist without wife explaining and complaining to her man; it relieves self-induced pressure. But wives should teach themselves how it disturbs their man’s sense of satisfaction. She can quickly learn what is tolerable and what is not.

This is the farthest from how modern women think and operate. Her smiles tell her man that he’s okay, and lack of complaints means that she’s okay. To a husband, okay means the marriage is working okay; he’s satisfied. Her smiles mean that wife is at least happy with herself, which adds significantly to hubby feeling satisfied with self.

Finally, all wife has to do is to keep getting her way about matters that don’t DIRECTLY concern husband. Quit trying to get him involved in everything. She stays busy and runs the show while he finds satisfaction in HER efforts rather than HIS, which to him are not significant accomplishments.

Her reward is getting her way throughout her life, except in his domain that includes his job, car, hobby, and other things for which he feels DIRECTLY responsible. As ruler, he’s INDIRECTLY responsible for everything else, and he can turn it over for her to manage. The more satisfied with her and her management, the more he lets her get her way.

The modern wife’s mindset is programmed that she is responsible for the marriage, but she does much better when she isolates one part to be her responsibility, namely the domestic domain. Not his manly domain of job and other things for which he feels DIRECTLY responsible.

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2666. Women’s Happiness Is a Daily Process


Here’s another view of how women succeed or don’t succeed in life. If you recall, post 806 describes the pathway to female happiness, and this is part of how it works.

Life is a process and the female nature is designed to enable each woman to capitalize on it. Her inborn motivational forces push her around inside a model that looks remarkably like this.

She’s born with self-love, knows that she’s pretty, and has an endless urge to get her way associating with others. Sprouting out of self-love is self-gratitude for being alive with so much to give away or share with others, to be good by doing good, to get her way over matters for which she feels responsible. Note that self-gratitude stirs her to action more than desire to love. Who wants to love someone or something, if one can’t first be grateful for how they fit into one’s life? (It’s why she’s not likely to love a man who constantly irritates or criticizes her; she can’t be grateful for herself when she’s uncomfortable with him.)

Unless ruined by nincompoops in childhood, self-love and prettiness are permanent. Both bless her with self-gratitude that is, however, not permanent but subject to the surprises and moods of life. If her self-gratitude is weakened, she can’t give what she does not possess. And so, her relationship effectiveness also weakens.

When she is grateful for herself, 1) she gets her way by showing gratitude for others, 2) thereby appears important to them, 3) which confirms her primal motivational objective to reap self-importance, 4) which enlarges her self-gratitude, and 5) which gives her more of her “grateful charm” to spread around.

The more gratitude she spreads around, the more good that she does, and the better person she becomes. God designed her to become a better person, or doing so would not be pursued and so highly valued among women.

Consequently, the essence of female happiness is her gratitude, and the root is the daily “happys” that she earns. Doing her best eliminates self-doubt and -criticism.

Remember, that’s the design that women inherit at birth. If not followed somewhat along those lines, her relationships deteriorate. Looking at the behavior of modern women, my diagnosis is that they severely lack self-gratitude and thus hamstring themselves from an enjoyable life doing what women do so well (and men don’t do at all).

——

P.S. If she focuses on spreading her gratefulness, love will take care of itself. How do I know? A woman’s love doesn’t bond a man; he doesn’t think he deserves it. However, her gratitude comes across that he has value, may be admired, and suggests he’s good enough that she can depend on him. Those conditions are more satisfying than even her love.

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2661. Strategy for Courtship—07: His Love Develops


In earlier posts I made a big deal about how men are primarily producers and women processors. I present a major exception; a man falling in love is a process that I make appear sequential. Actually, it is both fragmented and spontaneous and the emotional conclusion of a lot of reason, logic, and self-study. Moreover, it’s virtually invisible to the woman involved.

A man’s devotion is the first stage of development in his love. Other conclusions add to the process of his figuring out if he’s in love with her. I recap the essentials. Through his mind and heart, the following pass as products of their togetherness:

  • Her likeability, aka her appeal for him to be in her company.
  • His devotion, aka strong desire to please her. He likes her, seeks to spend time together, and likes who he is when with her.
  • His respect, at least the form most critical to his enduring love, grows out of her resistance to yield sex to him. The longer she resists, the greater the promise that other guys also failed and his respect for her diligence.
  • Her loyalty, aka the promise he sees that she will be faithful to him.
  • His likeability to her, aka the sincerity he sees in her love.
  • His loyalty to her, aka his willingness to give up all others to ‘possess’ her for himself.
  • His bonded love, aka devotion swollen to please himself for pleasing her.
  • His true love emerges from his admission that his life with her can be more satisfying than living by himself. He expects not to fail at anything he undertakes including marriage. Consequently, he also figures to love what he’s about to do, which is to live with her. Any proposal follows acceptance of that conclusion on top of his true love of her.

A woman who expects her man to work out that process by himself has the right attitude. His process of evaluating her for entry into his life makes dating and courtship intriguing and critical. He decides, and she’s along for the ride. He appears to rule, she actually runs the show.

However, the show she runs is herself, who and what she is to him. Out of that grows or doesn’t grow his love. She can’t change him; she can only make herself more attractive, appealing, and desirable for him to possess her in the ultimate venue, marriage. It begs the question, how?

Consequently, to complete this study of courtship, I suggest two series. Putting Marriage in His Mind and Putting Marriage out of Her Mind. They begin at post  871 and run in sequence.

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2660. Strategy for Courtship—06: How Women Do Better—VI


  1. Women typically make each other feel important by showing gratitude and expressing love. They do the same with men, but it doesn’t work the same. Showing gratitude and even love does little more than capture his attention, except it may register as prelude to conquest. She makes him feel important in her eyes by listening to what he has to say, while he seeks to impress her with his knowledge, control the present agenda, and lay some groundwork for conquest. If she can’t or doesn’t listen and make him feel important in her eyes, he will likely look for someone else.
  2. Throughout dating and courtship, I advise this. Her outward attractiveness always appeals to his attention as pleasurably unique, proud to be seen with her by other men. Everything else about her, he has to earn. That is, whatever he expects from her, she refuses until some later and more appropriate date or time. From her, nothing is free. Her nature tells her she’s more important and worthy only if she’s earned by someone proving her worth.
  3. Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. Smart women, therefore, develop their own standards up to which men must step or earn. Examples: He hints he’d like to take her out, and she insists on a more direct invitation. He expects a goodnight kiss, and she delays until next date. When she asks but he won’t quit cursing, she insists on being taken home. If he won’t go to church with her, she won’t date him. When he persists inviting her for sex, she stops him with a surprising action— break from their current embrace, a slap, a “take me home”! It’s the surprise that works.
  4. If he won’t honor those and other desires and standards that she develops to test men for sincerity, then he won’t become devoted to her. He lacks enough respect to want to please her. By having high standards for him to live up to, she earns his respect by his earning her permission, appreciation, and confirmation of his worth to her.
  5. This produces competition among couples. Both sexes are born to get their way in life. It works to a couple’s advantage when she allows him to get his way in courtship, and she persuades him to get her way in marriage. Being of the superior sex enables her to take charge both times. Thus, courtship is the proving grounds for her to condition his thinking so that she gets her way beyond the altar. Of course it’s much easier stated than done but built on the following truths:
  • Both sexes are born to get their way in matters of life. It cultivates competition as the strongest driving force of human behavior.
  • Women competing directly with the dominant sex seldom get their way.
  • Men rely on directness and physical and mental strength to get their way in the present. Women rely on natural patience, indirectness, and cooperation to get their way to brighten their future.
  • Women learn as girls they can get their way for the future much better by out-maneuvering their competitive and stronger mate without offending him in the present.
  • Men ‘hire’ wives to take care of those things in married life that men don’t care to be responsible for. It enables wife to get her way with everything for which she’s willing to accept responsibility.
  • A husband satisfied with both her and living with her is satisfied with both his marriage and himself. His investment of self appears safe, and so he stays closer to home.

6. Modern women lose their advantage by blaming or begrudging men while also trying to act more masculine. It’s the wrong way to win courtship success, because greater femininity has many more advantages that men appreciate. Natural differences between the sexes are the glue that both attracts and keeps a couple together.

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2658. Strategy for Courtship—06: How Women Do Better—IV


And you say, what does all this have to do with courtship? And I say, when she makes marriage an endless courtship, marital success will be hers. Men are born to rule the world, but she is born to run her world.

Both sexes are born to get their way in life, and it fosters competition within a couple, whether courting, engaged, or married. However, they think differently. He primarily thinks on getting his way among the big things outside the relationship. He’s not too interested in domestic matters, and expects a wife to get her way dealing with them. It releases her to think about and govern all the big things in a couple’s life, especially those at which she hopes to get her way such as domestic harmony and bright future.

She can’t run her world unless she’s primarily in charge. Thus, courtship is the proving grounds for her to condition his thinking so that she gets her way beyond the altar. Of course it’s not that simple, so I offer strategies to make it work. These strategies capitalize on using female strengths to conquer male resistance and convince her man that she’s the best for him.

  1. She primarily allows him to get his way in courtship and uses togetherness to indirectly and discreetly persuade him to get her way in marriage.
  2. She squelches her attitude that finds reasons to resent him or his contributions and make her think he’s not worth it. If he’s not worth her, she shouldn’t continue with him.
  3. She divides their marital world into two domains. 1) Those matters for which he is responsible and from which she is typically disconnected: his job, hobby, manly habits in which she has no vital role, and domestic tasks for which he accepts responsibility. 2) All else that she accepts as her responsibility is her domain. Clear, mutually accepted, and dedicated fulfillment of responsibilities in both domains prevent disagreement and disappointment and enable harmony to arise under her coaching.
  4. She sets her objective to eventually get her way in all domestic matters. It may take years before she runs the whole show to her satisfaction. Meanwhile, she lets him have his way without interference in his domain. It doesn’t mean she disconnects from his domain, she just doesn’t intrude when she’s not wanted.
  5. She recognizes that a man’s objective in life is to be satisfied with himself as much as possible. She balances their life together by keeping him satisfied as she strives to get her way. Success flows out of this: She spots him as dissatisfied with something, and she finds a way to switch him to be satisfied with himself. His dissatisfaction with her or living with her is not something to leave dangling; it cripples a marriage.
  6. During courtship she earns his gratitude by finding importance in what he says and does. She listens well without expecting him to do the same. Little else is more important. Particularly what he says as he describes himself, his life, dreams, intentions, expectations, and perhaps his view of her. If he can’t convince her of his importance, she’s of little interest to him except for conquest. Moreover, it’s no time for her to disagree, if he’s keepable.
  7. It reverses after marriage. Then, her gratitude plus her dependence keep him convinced of his importance and her desire to listen to what he says. Even when he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, he expects his woman to listen. It reinforces self-respect, the equivalent of self-love to women.
  8. After marriage, she’s both able and willing to use her gratitude and dependence to promote his importance, while she slowly whittles their relationship to where she can more easily get her way in domestic affairs. Don’t take that to read or encourage manipulation. It’s simple recognition that she intends to get her way in many things that come up in the future, and she’s willing to take time and build agreement to get her way. She has numerous opportunities and intentions to do meaningful things, because she stays focused on their life ahead and he focuses more on the present.
  9. As with courtship, he rules but she runs the marital show. Even though he expects not to fail at marriage because he’s too good to expect not to succeed, she accepts responsibility for success.

If men can’t manage a relationship, and they can’t except using tactics of dominance, then they can’t be held accountable either. The expectations described in this series may help women see that they should be in charge if success is to be found in courtship and marriage. In charge, however, does not mean to boss him in any way; it means to anticipate and arrange things so their life together develops pleasantly and keeps him satisfied that he did right to choose her.

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2657. Strategy for Courtship—06: How Women Do Better—III


  1. Mother love in women, and a man’s deep respect for a woman who delays conquest until marriage, are both unique motivators. Both are unconditional and last for life. Other motivational energies are conditional and may or may not last, e.g., love, marital obligation, sexual partnering, likeability, and mutual attraction.
  2. Women easily understand the nature of mother love, and how it motivates mothers. However, many can’t grasp the masculine equivalent that motivates men to chase women; it’s too contrary to woman-think. Men possess two distinctly different sex drives. The primary is the universal urge to conquer attractive women. The secondary drive governs his behavior with women already conquered. His primary drive and mother love are not mutual in function but alike in intensity, longevity, uniqueness, and vital importance to the respective sex.
  3. Needing a man’s respect to be loved, she earns it two ways: First, delay conquest as long as she can. If she succeeds in holding out for marriage first, she earns his unconditional respect, and it lasts a lifetime even though they may break up from other causes. Second, a less permanent form of his respect grows as she overcomes difficulties to accomplish other goals. His respect earned that way is both conditional and easily overwhelmed by negative influences.
  4. Without respecting her, a man’s proclaimed love is just not true. If his actions don’t symbolize respect, his words of love are insincere. The connection of respect and actions is so tight as to be proportional. His greater respect enables and brings forth more devoted actions. (Provided however that she otherwise qualifies for his love. Specifically, he perceives her as hugely likeable and exclusively loyal to him.)
  5. She lives for the future; he lives for the present. However, their hearts work opposite to it. Living in the present, it takes months for his personal deliberations to result in a change in his heart that includes future responsibility for marriage and family. OTOH, she continually shapes her future to match her dreams and expectations for a brighter life. Possessed of girlhood dreams to guide her, she is much faster and prolific in making decisions in the present—especially if she has a man with whom she expects to do something. The pressures of courtship work out the details of compatibility, except that women often expect too much too soon and scare off their man.
  6. Her love isn’t nearly as important to her man as she thinks and hopes. Men are not guided to the altar by her love; it guides her but not him. He’s attracted and held by her likeable and promising persona and his expectations that she can be loyal to him above all others—of which her love is crucial.
  7. In dating and courtship, men rule but women run the show. The more a woman knows about men, the better she can author the script to grow pleasant compatibility and relationship harmony. The next item (8) depends largely on her running their show successfully.
  8. If she expects their relationship to last a long time, two ingredients are essential. Many dates and months are needed for two things to develop in the masculine mind: 1) his respect of her and her likeability and loyalty. 2) Not her words of promise, but the promise he sees that he will be more satisfied living with her than living by himself or with someone else. His respect of her, her likeability and loyalty, and the promise he sees with her are foundations that come before his true love develops.

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2655. Strategy for Courtship—06: How Women Do Better—II


  1. In marriage, the successful wife satisfies husband and works to keep him that way. It works opposite in courtship. He becomes satisfied if she lets him take her for granted, and he slows or quits pleasing her or seeking to stay on her good side. Without blaming or accusing him, she should quit accepting being taken for granted.
  2. Men seek to marry a virtuous woman. Her virtues are feminine qualities that he uncovers during courtship, admires as special for him or uniquely different from other women, and satisfies him when thinking of her.
  3. A man doesn’t marry to make a woman or himself happy. He marries after he convinces himself he will be more satisfied living with her than continuing with his current life. Men live to satisfy themselves first. If one is willing to take someone into his life, she becomes obligated to keep him satisfied with both her and their living together. (However, after years in a satisfying marriage, men who adapt into good husbands soften their need of masculine self-satisfying, single-minded independence.)
  4. Their hearts and minds are hardwired differently. Women are born hard-headed and soft-hearted; men are hard-headed and hard-hearted. It takes a good woman and many satisfying years together to convert her man’s hard-heartedness into something softer. Hoping to accomplish that adds luster to a wife’s dreams to shape a brighter future. It begins in courtship.
  5. In both dating and courtship, the sides are motivated by different objectives. Men seek to conquer without obligation; it’s his nature. Women seek to marry; instinct tells them to withhold conquest as the most helpful lure. By her delaying conquest, he has time to learn of her admirable qualities that he perceives as promise for him to have a more satisfying life with her.
  6. Women should not inquire about his love or intentions; leave that to him to disclose at his discretion. Even innocently inquiring about it can make a gal look desperate, and it makes her less likeable and attractive. Moreover, men don’t respect desperate women; who knows what she will do next?
  7. Women should not believe a man’s “I love you” until multiple and various actions demonstrate it conclusively. It’s too easy for a man to be insincere in the pursuit of conquest, just as it’s too easy for a woman to be insincere in her quest to marry or gain some other advantage.
  8. Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. Her love disclosed too eagerly or given too freely doesn’t register in dating and courtship with the results a woman wishes or expects. Her closed lips and crossed legs encourage men to give her plenty to listen to, and she can more accurately figure out just who he is and what he’s after.

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