Category Archives: How she wins

2801. Wifely Leadership — 11: As Women Lead Men — VI


Successful wives as relationship leaders initiate demands with subordinates and discussions with seniors to both set beliefs and change opinions. The following are more suggested examples worded quite differently from how readers would use them to fit their husbands and situations.

The following are some of the keys to unlock sensitive conditions that will likely arrive someday, and can be worked out with good discussions ahead of time. They are leadership opportunities for wife, and she talks here.

41. When both parents can give permission to children, kids learn to play one against the other. It’s natural and inspired by a child’s desire to get its way. But it plays havoc with my leadership when you unnecessarily substitute for or overrule me. Unless it’s not practical to reach me for permission, I ask that you defer and refer to me their questions seeking permission. To make yourself look good to them weakens my ability to raise them effectively into mature adults. How? Effectively having two bosses encourages them to spend non-productive time figuring out how to get something from you instead of earning it from me.

42. My ability to keep you satisfied depends on my success liking myself, who I am and what I’m doing. If I’m moaning, complaining, and generally in a state of confusion, it means I’ve lost the ability to like myself doing what I’m supposed to be doing. So, you play a major role in keeping me liking myself, and I appreciate it if you learn to read me more effectively.

43. Our differences make better marital glue than do our likenesses. But that’s a matter of opinion, and we can explore each other more adroitly if we discuss it.

44. Popularity is a hallmark among groups; personal competence is the hallmark among individuals. I much prefer the latter for our children. In the world of mature adults, competence outperforms popularity. It pays more too.

45. Women are born to be good; men are born capable of doing good. I must do good to be good. If I step on your toes trying to do good, forgive me until we can work out a suitable solution. Harmony in the home is my best way of doing good. I’m hopeful you will join me.

46. Women are famous for saying, I just want to be loved. Generally, men think about sex and whatever romance is required. They don’t know how extensive is the love women expect, so I will describe what usually works. Niceness, pleasantness, kindness, forgiveness, attention, affection, intimacy, support, respect in all the roles I fulfill, authority to make decisions, recognition of effort, praise for results.

47. Mother love is unconditional and mating love should be, but it’s not. Unconditional means no reasons arise that cause love to weaken. Weakened love turns conditional and depends on what you or I or someone else does. Unconditional mating love from me depends on unconditional respect from you.

The road to wifely leadership is paved with responsibility. Each family member knows clearly what they are responsible for, and they are held closely to that standard by the mom and wife. Examples: Husband’s job is his alone. He maintains the outside and wife maintains inside of the home. Girls are responsible to make themselves appear made up and pretty first thing each morning and help with breakfast. Boys are responsible for their rooms, tasks outside the home, and NOT to interfere with anyone else’s responsibility. No one goes topless at the dinner table, shirts required to eat her food. Many other chores and responsibilities exist and someone should assign each to one person, although several may do the same thing; e.g., table manners, help mom on request. However many ways wife can dissect the needs of operating a home satisfactorily for her husband, she should do so. And then rule over her domain with a loving but firm iron hand; see to it routinely that everyone does what he or she is supposed to do.

Wife and mom should start the process and make it habitual in toddler’s eyes, before they learn that peers don’t have to do such things.

This remains my favorite way to assign responsibility and supervise how well the parents are doing. Two roles for each but they have only one boss in each role. Wife reports to husband; she’s responsible to satisfy him with herself and their living together. Mom reports to herself as wife; she’s responsible to recognize that husband supervises wife and not her as mother. Father reports to mom as support and assistance for raising children; he’s primarily responsible for fun and entertainment with kids. Children report only to mother, and she’s responsible to ensure that kids have only one boss, herself.

There’s a great drawback. Women avoid assuming responsibility for fear of making mistakes. But you see, if they determine who’s responsible and supervise closely until habitual, they minimize mistakes. If she’s the boss, she decides just what are mistakes.

I close this series with a vital thought. The more powerful husband appears as ruler of his wife, the more powerful he appears to other family members. The less she calls on him for help or punishment of kids, the more powerful both parents appear as threats and thereby discourage disobedience.

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2800. Wifely Leadership — 10: As Women Lead Men — V (Revised)


Whether you lady readers are married or shacked up, you’re certain that you’ve generated and are managing a successful relationship. You’re not ready to change for fear of…? That’s okay. Many people prefer the certainty of misery to the uncertainty of change. However, greater pleasures exist for wives who assert their leadership potential.

Responsibility determines that one leads and everyone else follows. So, whatever responsibilities wife assigns herself as both wife and mom, it makes followers of the whole family. That distinction also shapes what each family member believes and, consequently, shapes their attitude.

Now, it’s easy for wives to claim, Oh, I could never do that, never bring up and talk about such subjects as those listed below. Yet, later she can fight deliberately when energized to cover her mistakes or blame or criticize husband’s wrong doing. The suggestions listed below aim to prevent such arguments by reaching agreement ahead of time and shaping family attitudes to relate well together; it can prevent unproductive arguments and ill feelings that arise later.

Mastering the art of making one person responsible helps immensely when dealing with children; they benefit from having only one boss on matters that concern them directly. If husband goes along well with wife’s marital decisions, she must be doing almost everything right.

Being the king, husbands find it desirable to wield their authority, demonstrate their privilege to rule, and let everyone know that they rule. The most effective way to convince others of their power, however, is to delegate authority such that they never have to use theirs. The threat thus becomes stronger than the use of power.

Here are more suggestions. Wife is written in first person, and husband in second.

31. Husbands figure that foreplay is romance, so playing around physically or smoochingly is romantic. OTOH, romance confirms that I as wife am both worthy and important to you, and detailed demonstrations are highly satisfying. I also view you as responsible to separate romance and foreplay into a two-phase mixture of pleasure of company together and excitement that follows it.

32. If I’m not worth a little romancing now and then, I’m not worth much as a wife to myself, in which case I’m not easy to live with. So if I’m not easy to live with, you may have fallen behind in your romancing. To make up for it is to bring hero-worship back into my habits.

33. Even when I know I’m right, you’re responsible for determining the best course of action on matters requiring immediate resolution. I will advise responsibly, but you have to decide.

34. You’re responsible to provide me with intimate confirmations of my importance and worth to you. Cuddling and sweet talk at bedtime works very well but by no means exclusively.

35. As kingpin in our family, you’re the final authority on matters of morality and religion. If you wish to abdicate those concepts, I ask that you authorize me to guide the family in those directions, you excepted of course.

36. If child’s present behavior is bad in public, I’m responsible and not the child; I should have taught better. So, turn your complaints over to me and I will prevent next time.

37. I may fail a few times before I get something right. I ask for your understanding and forgiveness ahead of time; I’m still a work in progress of satisfying you with your life with me.

38. We shall both love our in-laws or fake it so well no one knows the difference including each other. It may be frustrating, but everyone has to learn to live with what they can do nothing about. In-laws deserve for us to try harder.

39. We will regularly remind ourselves of who and what we live up to that is above ourselves. As we do it, we turn ourselves into better individuals.

40. We are all self-developers. It’s why I as mom expect to discipline the kids softly so as not to weaken their attention or discourage their passion. It’s right for me to see that they might have been momentarily distracted, not less worthy.

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2799. Wifely Leadership — 09: As Women Lead Men — IV


Whether you lady readers are married or shacked up, you’re certain that you’ve generated and are managing a successful relationship. You’re not ready to change for fear of…? That’s okay, but there are greater pleasures out there for the wife willing to assert her leadership ability.

Responsibility determines who leads and who follows. That distinction also shapes what each family member believes and, consequently, their attitude.

Now, it’s easy for wives to claim, Oh, I could never do that, never bring up and talk about such subjects as those listed below. Yet, later she can fight deliberately when energized to cover her mistakes or blame or criticize husband’s wrong doing. The suggestions listed below aim to prevent arguments by reaching agreement ahead of time and shaping their attitudes to relate well together; it can prevent unproductive arguments and ill feelings that arise later.

Mastering the art of making one person responsible helps immensely when dealing with children; they benefit from having only one boss on matters that concern them directly. If husband goes along well with wife’s marital decisions, she must be doing almost everything right.

Here are more suggestions. Wife is written in first person, and husband in second.

21. Being the king, husbands find it desirable to wield their authority, demonstrate their privilege to rule, and let everyone know that they rule. The most effective way to convince others of their power, however, is to delegate authority such that they never have to use theirs. The threat is stronger than the use.

22. Husbands figure that foreplay is romance, so outside of bed romance is unnecessary. NOT! Romance confirms to a wife that she’s worthy and important to husband. As for us, you’re responsible to regularly romance me and foreplay is the promise of excitement to follow. If I’m not worth some romancing by you, I’m not worth much as a wife to me.

23. You’re due for some ‘time off for good behavior’. I hereby grant some time each week to spend with your buds. You determine but set a limit on your free time outside the home that both you can keep and I can rely on. You’re free to schedule it, whether golf, football, or whatever is in season. And I’m free to register disagreement for abuse of ‘privilege’. Empowered by God to pursue our self-interest, while living in this home however, self-interest is subordinate to family-interest unless mom rules otherwise. IOW, you can get what you want, but if you take advantage of me, I’m will speak loudly about my displeasure. It’s an enjoyable and even laughable thought, but I won’t cut you off.

24. I don’t deny your sexual urges, as long as you please me that way too. IOW you lead but also inherit the burden to make me happy about our sex together. If I’m not satisfied, and orgasm is never enough, it’s up to you to figure it out. I’m free to expect improvement without relying on blame, criticism, or even suggestion of what to do. Also, I don’t do kinky stuff.

25. As kingpin in our family, you’re the final authority on matters of morality and religion. If you wish to abdicate those concepts, I ask that you authorize me to guide the family in those directions, you excepted of course.

26. I’m responsible for the inside appearance of our home, but each child is responsible for their room, and you for any workspace you create. I know you’re not perfect, but tidiness generates a lot of wifely blessings.

27. You’re responsible to provide me with intimate confirmations of my importance and worth to you. Cuddling and sweet talk at bedtime works very well but by no means exclusively.

28. Trying to harmonize family life, I’m responsible to keep the home calm enough for all members to find balance and purpose. I will be demanding behavior different from the unsatisfactory. You’re no exception if you get out of bounds.

29. I hereby outlaw blame and imposing of guilt on others. Self-imposed guilt is okay.

30. If we can’t see where we’re headed, we won’t like it when we get there. I’m responsible to keep you informed of what I see ahead that will likely impact our life together.

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2798. Wifely Leadership — 08: As Women Lead Men — III


I continue to list ideas for wives to exploit in order to gain influence in their marital relationship.

Neither completeness, perfection, nor total agreement is the goal. Informing husband, accepting her responsibilities, and gaining agreement about wife-sensitive issues is the objective. It’s vital that neither side be perceived as wrong in these discussions.

A wife needs to verbalize each item her own way. It needs to fit in with her marital arrangements without offending husband; otherwise he’ll go on the defensive and not cooperate.

Any wife is the ‘I’ who speaks below, and ‘you’ is her husband. To the extent wife initiates such discussions and husband cooperates, she succeeds as a marital leader. The suggestions continue.

11. As a woman, I’m inclined toward making everything equal. As a man, you’re inclined to make everything come out fair. We’re born differently, so can we agree to recognize that each is entitled to represent and defend his or her own view based on that contrast? That is, without begrudging it in each other. We’ll be more successful as mates if I act more like a woman and you more like a man.

12. We are not equal in anything except before the law. We each have our own responsibilities, but I need help more often than you, if I’m to keep you satisfied. All voluntary help is appreciated. My requests for help will be with smile and good attitude; I hope your responses are the same; it’s very important to me.

13. You’re responsible to make or approve decisions about our respective responsibilities. First step: What don’t you want to be responsible for? It’s the same for mutually shared responsibility, such as budgeting, finances, major purchases, investment opportunities. I can’t expect perfection, just satisfaction that you’re on top of things.

14. I ask that I be made the senior and ruling member of the child-raising team and responsible for discipline. I ask that you fill two roles. My back up as husband and support as father responsible for fun and entertainment. If you don’t like their behavior or something else, don’t complain to or correct the kid except in emergency. Let me deal with him or her. Depend on me and I will keep you satisfied. In the meantime, show the kids how great dad is for satisfying their itch for fun, games, close association, and personal development. I intend to raise boys in your image and girls in mine.

15. You are the final authority behind my need to discipline the children. The threat is more effective than the use. The less often you’re involved, the less need for punishment, which means that I’ve got discipline working just fine. If I need you to punish, then I’ve done something wrong and am responsible to fix it quickly. I’m responsible to raise our kids to be nothing but a pleasure to you. I expect to never come crying to you about them.

16. Just as we adults remain throughout life, our toddlers start out as self-developers. As parents, we owe the world mature adults more than good children. Parental obligation supports self-development more than making them popular or ideal kids for others to judge. Consequently, I expect to guide them through moral issues, calm their anxieties, help lift them over uncertainties, strengthen their characters, and build a strong work ethic. With you as backup for punishment and support of my decisions, we can focus on what produces maturity rather than letting them drift toward adolescent peer pressure. That is, respectable kids who in the long run outshine and outdo the popular ones.

17. Whether I or we predominantly raise the kids, I ask that you support this family policy that I expect to use. As soon as the conscious mind opens in the third year, they will be affirmingly respected as a person, boy or girl, and later in their various roles as responsible family members. Examples: Your toddlers learn to save and earn respect. Son is trusted as the mower of our lawn and outside earner of money. Your daughter learns to be trusted as kitchen operator and highly feminine helper of others, such as babysitter for neighbors.

18. If our dreams differ about how the children should turn out as adults, we need to discuss and come to some agreement before they gain the wrong foothold in self-development. My belief is that chores and early responsibility produce maturity, and the lack thereof promotes immaturity. Both sexes grow up best by earning their way before puberty with more and more responsibilities assigned slightly ahead of whatever maturity they have reached.

19. As mother, my immediate boss is myself as wife. As head of household, you married wife and not mother. So, you rightly expect me as wife to satisfy you directly after satisfying myself about my performance as mother. IOW, regardless of how great I am as mom, my burden to satisfy you as wife tops it.

20. A highly productive household condition is that everyone has only one boss. Children report to mother, father reports to mother for fun and entertainment of kids, mother reports to wife as responsible for raising kids, and wife reports to husband that all goes well in his kingdom.

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2797. Wifely Leadership — 07: As Women Lead Men — II


Men are not familiar with the sensitive side of women. Some dive head-first into marriage wrapped tightly in their own agenda, in which case they operate as husbands who largely ignore wifely sensitivities. Others wrapped less tightly are still not fully aware of what’s important to her. Only wife can make husband aware of what is important to her, and readers and I are headed there.

With more than three dozen suggestions, I advise wives how to initiate leadership by discussing and shaping mutual opinions about sensitive matters.

The rules for initiating discussions are posted at 2796, which also contains the first three initiatives in this series. Another rule: If and when he interrogates on any point, DO NOT give examples of what either of you has done in the past. Blame or criticism usually spurs ones to defend against the person, and cooperation wilts as competition sets in.

These are ideas and concepts to bring up and discuss wifely sensitivities and reduce the impact of problems anticipated by her. Neither perfection nor total agreement is the goal; informing husband and gaining more agreement about wife-sensitive issues is the objective. It’s vital that neither side be perceived as wrong in these discussions.

A wife needs to verbalize each item her own way. It needs to fit in with her marital arrangements without offending husband; otherwise he’ll go on the defensive and not cooperate.

Any wife is the ‘I’ who speaks here, and ‘you’ is her husband. To the extent wife initiates such discussions and husband cooperates, she succeeds as a marital leader. The suggestions continue.

4. I am aware that men presume to ‘own’ their woman. Is she worth owning, however, if she’s but a hollow shell —her spirit sucked out by lack of feedback of her importance and little or no appreciation of her diligence?

5. I am responsible to keep you satisfied living with me. In return for doing it, however, I expect an ROI, my return on investment, which may be little more than a frequent look in your eye that I’m an overall good gal. I accept whatever ROI you choose to provide. However, these things convince me better: thoughtfulness, pleasantness, attention, affection, intimate time together, backup of my leadership raising the kids, and strokes of admiration for keeping you satisfied that I do well. With those I sense fulfillment.

6. I am responsible to manage our marriage under your leadership. You take care of the bigger things, and I take care of the lesser. The objective is to satisfy you first. This arrangement may crumble, however, if either of us finds fault and pushes too hard on the other.

7. I’m the primary housekeeper, my efforts are well intentioned, and good intentions that fail are more worthy of your empathy than sympathy. Empathy means I could use some help. Sympathy means you’re sorry I got myself in a mess. Men are never more handsome than when they gently rescue a woman in a mess of her own making and don’t hold it against her.

8. Blame has no place in our home. We are both capable of finding satisfaction with each other without blame or criticism. If not, we need to practice. We need an agreeable method to expunge blame or criticism so that ill-feelings don’t develop.

9. We love differently. Women are open and above board, but men are not. Therefore, I receive your love indirectly and not nearly as cheery as my love is expressed more directly. I have but one way of measuring your love; it’s how devoted you act toward me. If I see it, I can live with it. If I don’t see it, I feel hollow inside.

10. Anger aimed at self is okay, aimed at someone else is not. How can we incorporate that and diminish expressions of anger in our family? Is it enough to count to ten?

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2796. Wifely Leadership — 06: As Wives Lead Husbands— I


Men know how to live their own lives, even after they marry. However, it’s the wife who brings them into a good life together with mutual satisfaction.

Women can read men but the opposite isn’t true. Oh, a man can acknowledge that his woman is upset or angry, but her inner feelings, subtle anxieties, and suppressed attitudes escape him. The mature woman tries to keep her deeper feelings to herself, but she faces situations that so easily hurt her. This series aims at making husband a better reader of her emotional conditions and more appreciative of what she needs to galvanize her mindset for more harmony in the home.

I am building a list of examples of how wives can communicate better, shape husband’s thinking to make her life easier, and arrange for husband to think more compatibly.

Wife doesn’t have to perform perfectly. She does best by preventing or eliminating challenges to her female sensibility, before they grow or emerge unexpectedly. She has only to keep him satisfied with who she is as the yolk and what she does with the egg white part of marriage.

In the course of courtship, engagement, and early marriage, I propose that wives purposely negotiate agreement on the many issues they face now and later. There are no right answers but this: Both parties agree to live up to the agreements they work out before the fact. Formally, I call it negotiation, but quite often it’s merely a way to exchange how each other feels about sensitive issues.

Wife anticipates issues arising that husband never can, regardless of his good intentions or promises. Unless she has an attitude soured by lack of respect for men, each wife has the ability to improve compatibility and brighten her future by informing hubby how to better read and interpret her.

I don’t do rules, but this time I must because I’m proposing simple exercises in communicating better. The purpose of what follows below is three-fold. 1) Teach husband how to read her better, 2) talk out the subject before or prevent blame or guilt arriving on the scene, 3) reach mutual understanding without promises.

Wives should follow these rules to keep discussions from rising to disagreement. The purpose is to inform and reach mutual understanding about how she operates or intends to conduct the affairs of home.

  • She bases all discussions on how the sexes differ, not how he or she is displeased with the other.
  • She neither blames nor criticizes during discussions.
  • She talks around rather than about current problems.
  • She accepts volunteered promises but neither requires nor expects fulfillment. (Promises pulled from someone are unreliable by nature; only those prompted by self without pressure can be relied upon and not always them either.)

She leads when she brings up discussion matters that pleasantly breed agreement without pressure, complaint, criticism, or blame. It’s the agreements by which they develop common mindsets and by which they will live in the future. Those below are just a few of what wives need to cover if they want to gain influence, lead affirmingly, get their way more often, and thereby make their relationship more compatible and successful.

The following are neither rules nor absolutes; they are ideas around which women lead when they initiate, discuss, and gain mutual agreement or at least understanding of both spouses. Each wife has to accept the context as valid and needful, and then phrase the content in her own words.

In these examples, she’s speaking and discussion is invited and likely follows (or she approached him poorly).

Could you initiate these talks with your husband? Do it respectfully, directly or indirectly? Could you stimulate understanding or work out agreements for each other? If you can, the following is a shipload of trade offs that breeds peace, pleasantness, and trustworthiness that serve as seeds of harmony in the home; love is simply never enough.

  1. It’s easier for men to respect than trust women. It’s easier for women to trust men than respect them. We both are responsible to make life easier. So, the more I trust you, the more I respect you. The more you respect me, the more you can trust me. It encourages us to live up to each other, which motivates us to be better individuals.
  2. Our marriage is no better than how we divide it into individual and mutual responsibilities and fulfill each to the satisfaction of each other. Example: You take care of the cars and outside of the house. I’ll take care of inside the house and raise our kids. My work ahead includes assigning responsibilities to myself and the children. You already know your responsibilities.
  3. I know you would never start something at which you expect to fail. It means you need to be responsible for our marriage or else you can’t prevent failure. Know this: I’m responsible to help you do that. You should let me know directly if I’m off track or singing in the wrong key that in anyway weakens your responsibility.

The list continues next. I request comments if you think these are impossible or impractical initiative for wives.

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2795. Wifely Leadership — 05: As Women Enter Marriage


Out of the inborn male nature, these ‘grenades’ await wives as they begin marriage. She may not know how, why, or when she pulls the pin.

  • Her love didn’t win him, her sex won’t keep him.
  • Femininity attracts, Feminism detracts.
  • Men appreciate what they earn and remain devoted to the most likeable.

A man’s primal self-expectation in life is to keep himself satisfied with himself and with whomever he’s doing what he’s doing. Wife need not be perfect; she was closest to perfect when he proposed. Mrs. Good Enough need only keep husband satisfied with himself that he chose rightly.

Mrs. Good Enough exploits the vacant leadership role. And you say, “vacant?” Yes, she’s entitled to as big a leadership role as she can earn with well discussed agreements that promote hubby’s satisfaction with her and their life together. Details later.

Soon after romantic love fades in a year or two, a wife faces the reality that husband doesn’t quite fit her mold as she imagined. Their marriage is okay but not as she envisioned it. He’s just not completely the husband she expected. Unable to make marriage match her dreams, it frustrates her. His married mind, which held so much promise before, can’t keep up with fulfilling her dreams, intentions, and expectations of who and what he and they should be.

If she pressures him at all, his focus turns elsewhere and perhaps away from her, their pre-marital interests become less mutual, and a gap spreads in their relationship. Thus, she misguides two biased and perhaps selfish leaders who ought to work hard and together to remain compatible.

He should rule overall but her leadership keeps him satisfied they do the right thing together. So, any of her wishes are best fulfilled when subordinated to his remaining satisfied living with her.

You heard it here before. Men are passive members in a relationship, regardless of how they strut their authority as kingpin. Only women can manage a relationship successfully, and relationships get very complex soon after marriage.

Moreover, their living in the present makes changes more noticeable. By her living in the present but primarily for the future, patience enables her to more slowly rearrange whatever expectations and agreements exist, whether verbalized, silent, or implied.

Wives confirm their leadership role and stir the marital relationship to success, when they use responsibility as arbiter, dominator, and source of individual power. For example, early on but in routine fashion wife seeks his agreement on this: Anger aimed at self is okay, aimed at others is to be avoided. Nothing wrong, it doesn’t seem right for our marriage. Agree?

The HOW of all that follows.

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