Category Archives: How she wins

2690. Tradeoffs in Marriage #03


This series intrigues me with the simplicity of marital workability. I hope you ladies will tag me if you think me off-base.

  1. My favorite is this. When she smiles, all must be well with her. If she doesn’t complain, all must be well with him. He reads her symbols and signals to find satisfaction more than he pays attention to her direct words.
  2. He expects her to admire him and his efforts. She expects him to confirm her importance. Her being cherished confirms it like nothing else; it’s superlative.
  3. She can’t, but he can fall in love at first sight and devote himself to her almost immediately. She then looks beyond his devotion expecting to be cherished. IOW, the more she gets the more she wants. Nothing wrong, just her nature. If she’s good enough for something, she’s good enough for more.
  4. Love satisfies her but not him. and so marriage doesn’t depend on love but many other inputs. Specifically, she finds enough satisfaction in her life with him that she keeps him satisfied living with her.
  5. A man’s devotion is the root of his love for her, which is the root of her expectation to be cherished. A woman’s love is the root of his expectation to be admired for who he is and what he does.
  6. She can’t change him although she wishes she could. He will change, however, when he wants to please her more highly than now.
  7. Mutual satisfaction living together outweighs her need to be happy each day and his need to use dominance to get his way.

If wives apply the art of love to verbalizing their complaints, husbands hear that they are worthy and depended upon, not that they are faulty or guilty. It’s worth her time and effort to eliminate blame in the home.

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2687. Wisdom from Miss Gina


NOTE: It seems men in at least one big city have a new standard. Lady Aidos reports “It’s been astonishing to me how many men walk away after I refuse sex *on a second date*. It’s been the majority [after dozens of dates, NOV-APR].” Miss Gina offers appropriate self-help.

Guy

——

Dear Lady Aidos,

I understand your comment that being rejected can be draining. But consider a slightly different perspective. Try going into the date with an open but educated mind about the male nature…you already understand what is likely to happen, so you have your shields up…while giving him a small window of opportunity to prove himself. It is ok to be a bit cool and aloof toward the gentleman…remember how so many men go crazy over women who are downright mean–they represent a challenge. (I don’t recommend meanness, but a little impatience with or skepticism of a man can trigger his challenge reflex.) If you watch romantic movies from the 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s, (early 60’s too), the women are often good examples. [Guy says: Movie lists are available at posts 2039, 1369, 1242, 1224, and 541.] *You* are the one in the driver’s seat, and *you* are screening through many unworthy men. Most will move on, which is what makes them unworthy of you–*not* you unworthy of them. You only have to find one. Just this small change in perspective can make it easier on you and make you more attractive at the same time.

Miss Gina

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Blog 2685 — Female Standards — 01


Boldness reduces discomfort. If a woman learns to stretch it into standards that she lives by, she can develop her future as she desires it. Her life is more up to her than even a man’s presence in her life.

Many gals ask how to get dating off on the right foot. How to react when they are approached or hit on. The following is my favorite. I offer it for the impact on the thoughts of a man when surprised by woman-think, especially when boldness enshrouds her imagination and female pride. Encounters are seldom neutral when the gal takes charge. See the bullets below.

We all avoid acting uncomfortable. But surprise men with female discomfort shrouded in boldness, and it enables a women to take charge of the man or men present. That is, shock a man awake by her determination to be female, feminine, and different from men. Anyway, here’s my favorite standard of a woman forgetting her discomfort to spill it boldly into a man’s face.

SITUATION. A man approaches, acquaintance or newbie, and they begin to chat. Natural, neutral, innocent. She smiles as if he’s likeable and responds respectfully to his chatter. No signs of her judging him as suitable or unsuitable. All men are suitable until they prove otherwise; it’s one of her standards.

At his first mention of sex, direct or indirect, she stops him and responds with this. “Listen, I put my sex life to sleep and now await Prince Charming to awake me as a woman. Talking, kissing, or fondling will not wake me. See you later.” She quietly, respectfully, and politely leaves him to his thoughts. (She departs, because he’s now on defense and would likely begin to argue that he can talk, kiss, or fondle her awake. It makes it awkward, because she’d have to insult him to stop his determination to recover his self-respect or save face.)

  • It’s shock and awe time. She departs and leaves him challenged to try again or drop the encounter as not worth whatever it would take to recover.
  • It offends his self-image; he thought he was better at meeting someone. It also puts him to thinking, wondering, speculating. How he did wrong or could have done better? He’s no longer in charge; how does he recover? Or does he want to?
  • He can save face by admitting she’s wasn’t worth it anyway. Probably 80% of guys would take that comfortable way out. She thinks: Can’t stand up to the weaker sex? What kind of man is he? I don’t have to waste time on him. If I’m not worth a strong pursuit, if he’s so easily discouraged, he couldn’t be much of a man for me.
  • She’s unique, a virtue difficult to earn in today’s marketplace. It stirs his thoughts and may keep them stirred for quite awhile. Prince Charming? Who’s that? What could he have that I don’t? She think she’s a fairy princess or something? She’s different alright, but how do I get next to her?
  • She’s mysterious. What kind of woman is she? How does she expect to gain my ever loving attention by walking away? What else has she to offer beyond what I saw? What would it take to bed her sometime soon? How do I find out what her Prince Charming looks like and promises? Can I beat his time before he shows up?
  • She’s determined, knows who she is, and intends to shape her life her way—or at least it appears that way and men believe what they figure it out better than anything she tells them. If talking, kissing, and fondling won’t wake her, what else must Prince Charming have, do, and is expected to do?
  • He tells his buddies about it in ways that reflect good on him. Then he wonders if he gave her a raw deal by under estimating her potential as good woman.

Imposing her standard immediately puts her in charge and guys have no alternative but to forget her (I guess at 80%) to save face or try harder (20%) with a whole new approach. The 80% were only after sex and lost interest in her, which means they are not good enough for her. The 20% that develops a strong pursuit in spite of her standard are good candidates for a relationship. Thus, her discomfort uplifted with boldness separates the unqualified from the possibles with just a few words.

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2683. Magnolia Shines Again


NOTE: Born hard-headed to deal with men and soft-hearted to live the good life, some women never find the balance that Magnolia describes below. She uses both to promote her life’s agenda to the max. I post it as a good read for everyone and written so well and clearly that it shows respect for every reader. Thank you, Magnolia.

——

Dear Femme,

I don’t mind talking about it. That was a few years ago. It wasn’t with my husband. That relationship ran its course. It was four years ago, around the time that I got acquainted with this blog. Reading it helped me wise up very quickly. My ex was a very fine man, and we had discussed marriage. He wasn’t quite ready, though. He wasn’t sure about marriage at that moment. He was more like, “At some point.” He wasn’t sure he wanted children and I’m sure I do. He’d had some financial setbacks due to a divorce and wanted a prenup. That didn’t sit well with me at all. I sensed that something was wrong and confirmed it by reading this blog. I wasn’t about to become the seller to him or any man (It was a long term relationship and we had become sexually involved by then). As Sir Guy says, recovery is everything.

Another thing that Sir Guy says is that men really protect their assets and that we should do the same. At the time I was getting ready to move to the city where I live now, a few hours away. I did and things ended.

I think that it’s important for women to make the right choices in life. Sir Guy encourages women to cling to religion and morality in order to brighten their future. This blog helped me get back to my roots. It was a fairly easy transition back.

When I moved to town I immediately looked for a church and became a member. Now, almost four years later, I am married to someone who shares the same goals as me (to work in the ministry at church, etc.), pursued me like crazy from day one and showed that he wanted to make himself worthy of me, wants children as well, and never, ever asked for a prenup. On the contrary, he said that everything that is his, is mine (house, everything). He never asked for sex either since we’re committed Christians. That was reserved for marriage. His love for me is so special, so sacrificial and he continually demonstrates it. I’m amazed by it and love him so much for it. I love my husband so much and I’m so grateful for him!

I’m glad that things didn’t work out with my ex. I’m much happier and better off now. I wasn’t where I needed to be with God before. As I said, my ex was just protecting his assets and wouldn’t budge, as Sir Guy says that men do. I decided to do the same and not budge at all and came out on top.

I thank God for Sir Guy and this blog.

Hope this helps somebody. Many blessings!

Magnolia

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2681. Love is Never Enough — VI: Women Love Two Ways (Didn’t ya’ know?)


Female love has some unexpected and unused characteristics. It can mislead women on how to deal with those they love. There is love, which is one directional that pleases the one expressing her love, but it doesn’t bring the feedback that she craves. Then there is sincere love, which is two directional; she includes more than her attention, affection, and appreciation. She expects rewarding feedback, but she has to work extra to get it

Females have at least five reasons for expressing their love of another. 1) They want something. 2) It makes them feel good about themselves. 3) It’s the right thing to do. 4) They want to unload their emotions. 5) They want to be important to the loved one, to trigger the thought that the loved one sees the loving one as important to him or her.

The first four satisfy the loving one, who presumes or hopes that 5) will also be a result. But that two directional exchange of thoughts or words happens only with sincere love.

When women give love for nothing extra for themselves, specifically 1) through 4) above, they cripple their own self-interest.

Love becomes sincere love when gratitude for the loved one is included in a woman’s expressions of love. The loving one seeks to hear it, but she can’t just say in the course of expressing her love that “I am important to you.”

When, however, she shows or expresses the gratefulness she finds in the one being loved, the latter sees the former as important in his or her life. Who else in the loved one’s life finds gratitude in her or him?

It makes gratitude more important than love itself. Love is the vehicle, gratitude is the cargo.

So, gratitude does what love alone can’t do to a relationship. Now, I know you ladies will probably claim that your love always includes your gratefulness. If it did, those you love would never question, seldom disagree, or ignore your attempts to shower them with loving attention and affection. Mere expressions of  love are nowhere near as complimentary as specific gratitude you can disclose about things the loved one seldom figures is noticed by anyone else including, perhaps, themselves.

In the normal course of relating as couple, her love is unearned. He’s done nothing and men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. If she shows gratitude for who he is or what he does, then he has earned it and she makes herself more valuable to have nearby. Her gift of gratefulness usually agrees with or exceeds his own assessment of his self-worth. Nice that she sees it that way too.

In the normal course of relating as female friends, her love is deserved. But each female has a deeper ambition, to be important to the other. It doesn’t come from routine attention and affections. It comes from the gratefulness that one expresses for the other. They extend mutual gratitude and receive mutual confirmation of their respective self-importance. It holds friends together.

So, in the normal course of relating, you gals should find and express gratitude wherever and however you can, and you will be more important to female friends, more worthy of continuing attention from a man, and you will also appear much more sincere to both.

Remember this? “Men are never more handsome than…” as a way to express a woman’s gratitude for minor pleasantries, chivalries, and gallantries. It buffs and shines his self-admiration, the motivation behind most of a man’s accomplishments.

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2680. Refresher Thoughts — 11


  1. A man is more impressed by a woman full of gratitude, than a woman full of love. She expresses her love to please herself or get something, plus its fairly automatic and easier to express than searching for what she is grateful. He receives her gratitude as just what he is due. Consequently, her gratitude is easier to believe and thus more impressive and appreciated. (Women will do well to take that lesson into bed.)
  2. Divulging her sexual history to a man injects unforgettable poison into their relationship. The more promiscuous, the more toxic. (Sooner or later and maybe without her knowledge, it will be used against her.)
  3. Hard-headed feminine gentleness beguiles males. It adds to her mystique, uniqueness, likeability, and influence. [1905]
  4. Feminine mystique attracts men and holds their interest. An air of secrecy and generally hard-to-get draws men into a woman’s aura of charm. (It keeps her in charge and puts men on the defensive. It’s the opposite of her chasing him, and it forces each man to prove his worth to her—if he chooses to pursue her. When he perceives charming but strong resistance to his first priority, sexual conquest, it pushes him deeper into the role of seller, which proportionally reinforces her as the buyer and intensifies his interest.)
  5. Female modesty tames males. It’s a woman’s greatest counterbalance to male domination. As she uses it to keep men on the defensive, it weakens male domination.
  6. The foundation of a man’s love is respect for a woman signified by devotion demonstrated by his actions. (Romantic love, mostly based on infatuation and lust, does not require a man’s respect. Plus, romantic love fades after a year or two. Enduring love, if it’s to replace the romantic kind and not also fade away, requires his respect that she earned early and continues to maintain.)
  7. Feminine adherence to moral standards helps earn masculine respect. Unless raised by mothers and girls to respect it, the male nature does not need morality. It predominantly serves women and children, when women promote and push moral standards that first suppress extreme male domination, aggression, and violence, and second teach men to use and spread moral values to help smooth out the kinks of living together or in society.
  8. Female-designed and -upheld customs and manners calm men. By women insisting on and upholding social and domestic standards, men learn they must please women to enjoy feminine endorsement, appreciation, and support.
  9. Of course it’s not fair, but men have little interest partnering with only one woman. Unless, that is, women sell and reward their man—however far removed from ideal to her—for both husbanding and fathering.
  10. Men don’t do the love thing as women do. Men expect this first in a relationship: a cooperative, helpful, and likeable rather than a competitive and offending spirit. Next, a man expects respect and gratitude for who he is and what he does. The former invites him to partner, the latter holds him as partner. [1907]

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2679. Wisdom from Lady My Husband’s Wife


What a lovely post today [at 2678], Lady Magnolia. I sure enjoyed reading it and like your positive attitude. I agree with you that there are still good, single men out there.

I see the challenge today that both single men/women face when trying to find a spouse. It seems as if you don’t find a mate right out of high school or college, it’s like trying to find the needle in a hay stack!

Single ladies, if you’re stumped for ideas on where to meet men other than online or at the bar or at work, and there is no one at church or work, I’ve found a few spots where they seem to congregate and outnumber women by at least 3:1:

1. Any outdoor-related volunteer group such as park clean-up days, forest service planting projects, hike/bike trail maintenance, etc. These groups usually have day/weekend events where you work in groups on a project with food and social time at the end. They have the men do the tough stuff and women the lighter work so everyone works well together. And even if you don’t meet anyone, you’ve done something to help a good cause and get outside for a while. I’ve found the people at these events very upbeat and inspiring as their working for a cause higher than themselves. So a win-win, even if you don’t get a date out of it
2. Any outdoor-related biking/hiking/climbing/skiing event or class. Just went to a three day mountain biking festival with my husband where men greatly outnumbered women and people were very friendly. Lots of opportunities to meet men while you wait in lines or travel in shuttles. The men seem very eager to help a lady out who’s new to the sport and give advice and tips.
3. If you’re not Catholic, your church’s seminary as there are mostly men who attend—and many who are looking for a spouse too! Not just young men attend these schools as many are second career theology students that are older. Most seminaries will have classes or Bible studies that women can take or have events on campus such as concerts—or maybe even look for or a job on campus. My church’s seminaries have week-long workshops for musicians and Bible conferences for lay people and tons of concerts and services. The men so outnumber women that they just love to see a lady on campus!

What’s great about the above options is that you will immediately have something to talk about as you’re working on common project or have some of the same interests that easily open the door for getting to know someone without being too forward or coming across as desperate for attention.

Hope this helps some of the ladies here find some new inspiration on where to meet the good men that still exist.

——

NOTE to My Husband’s Wife: Wow!!! Thank you for the timely, clear, and perfect followup to Magnolia’s great contribution. Remind hubby this man thinks he married over his head.

Guy

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