- The more self-respectingly and graciously she repeatedly defeats a man’s attempts to get her into bed the first time, the more charmingly he treats and deliberately pursues her. Denial means he must try harder. Most men do if they find her more attractive than sister females.
- The more deliberately a man pursues an unconquered woman, the deeper his investment of self. As pleasing her continues and with his thinking it will make her yield sooner, his actions slowly morph into devotion. That is, the first and most coagulating step toward a man loving a woman. In background, his actions program his heart to favor her over others.
- As a man deliberately seeks to uncover a woman’s weakness to facilitate their first sex together, he discovers qualities that he can admire. Each is a virtue, and men seek to marry a virtuous woman. The longer she holds out, the more virtuous she appears.
- Women know instinctively and intuitively how to indirectly reveal their best qualities. What a man figures out carries more weight than what she tells him. Personal comfort, independence, informality, and familiarity work against her. Mirror time, modest attire, mystery, and friendliness work for her.
- In men, self-pride is an outgrowth of inborn self-respect reinforced by accomplishments and female attention. In women, self-like is an outgrowth of inborn self-love reinforced by relationship success and male attention. If it sounds too obscure, think of this. Self-pride and self-like motivate men and women respectively to be more open and outgoing with each other.
- Every man expects to be appreciated by most women for who he is and what he does. It can make men obnoxious, and the woman who likes herself greatly as a woman can put up with such men. She can overlook faults to find blessings. Mirror time and dressing up enables her to like herself more and thereby find men much more tolerable or acceptable than obnoxious.
Category Archives: How she wins
- When a woman gives her attention to every man seeking to talk, she demonstrates respect for the male gender, which makes more men pay more attention to her. A man can easily become envious and be challenged to pursue a woman, when he sees another man use manly talking points to hold her attention.
- Until she earns his respect, a man expects to ignore her or dominate their dialogue. Unless he’s just after sex, he doesn’t care to associate if she doesn’t respect him, and she demonstrates it best by just listening.
- Men respect women two ways. 1) According to how well each female denies a man’s conquest. The more denials over extended time, the more respect she earns and it lasts for his life. It’s natural programming that has the effect of being hardwired. It doesn’t mean he will stay with her, however, just respect her. 2) According to her accomplishments, both what and how well, that he can admire.
- When a man is satisfied with his marriage, he is satisfied with himself for having chosen that way of life. Her love helps, but it’s not the linchpin motivator that she thinks it is.
- When a man is satisfied with both his wife and living with her, he is satisfied that he chose well. Her love helps, but it’s not the kingpin that she thinks it is.
- A husband may remain devoted enough to stay with his wife as she changes—e.g., appearance, personality, likeability, loyalty—from the gal to whom he proposed. But his devotion may weaken, and he finds it more difficult to ignore the attractive but unconquered women everywhere. After all, a man’s urge to conquer lasts for life, and other attractions can bring new accomplishments and satisfactions to displace marital disappointments.
SITUATION. Girls and women are not asked out on dates enough to suit them.
PROBLEM. Girls and women need some ‘touching up’ on their ability to arouse boys and men to initiate the process.
SOLUTIONS. 1) Learn more and exploit the male nature by studying this blog, and 2) listen to women more experienced in relationship games. The following aims at 2) in response to stimulating comments by Gonemaverick and Kay at post 2695.
It isn’t bragging to state facts.
However, I’m a little surprised that a lady who takes pride in not being easy to date would wonder aloud why she is getting exactly what she wants. Not that it is a bad thing to want, necessarily, but it does limit opportunities when they are already scarce.
I come at this from the perspective of both a lady and a mom of two adult young men. One is married, and one is not. I have some understanding of both sides—including what it takes for a good man to put himself out there, take some risks, and put out a lot of hard-earned money to get to know a female who looks nice on the outside but who may just be waiting for the right moment to emasculate him. Worse—she could draw him into marriage, have a couple of kids with him, then take the kids and be awarded all his money by the courts. Now, I am not saying that a man shouldn’t take risks and pay to get to know a woman. But in these times, a good man faces much higher risks than he once did. One can’t blame a man for taking all of this into account.
If the number of dates a lady is invited on is not satisfactory to her, then she has only one factor that is within her power to change—herself and her approach. It may be that in spite of attraction, something strikes men in a way other than intended. Or it could be that the individual is not a good fit for the pool of candidates in the vicinity. Or something else.
In my own case, my mother told me that the reason I didn’t have a single schoolmate ask me out in all of high school was that I intimidated them. Now, I see that she was right. I was a very high academic achiever and pretty. I had many girlfriends and various male flirters and hangers-on. Less attractive and academically successful girls got dates with the guys I really liked, though! Much older men and guys at my high school jobs would compliment me and flirt, but that wasn’t dating. My fault in that case was probably a lack of confidence and social skills to open doors with guys who would have seen me as an appropriate challenge. Neither was I the type who made everyone feel comfortable, back then—I was a bit too quiet and serious, and I think that left guys feeling less than adequate—a big no-no. I don’t think it was the males’ fault, in my case. While hard-to-get is important, approach-ability is, too. There is a balance.
A man has to feel that he is needed…could it be that you appear so highly attractive and self-sufficient and satisfied with keeping your business to yourself that a prospective date feels he would have nothing to offer you? Is it possible that “coy” translates to “not interested” or “uncomfortable social situation that makes me look bad and I need to flee” as it appears to a prospect?
Not saying any of this is the case here–but perhaps there may be something of help.
Just some general thoughts. I remember you addressing this before, Sir Guy, when you told single ladies to be approachable. You have directed single ladies before to smile at all men equally.
I think it helps, also, to work on improving conversation skills and developing a lighthearted personality—ready and willing to pick up a conversation with anyone, anytime. It doesn’t hurt to look in the mirror and honestly evaluate the face we offer the world. Does it say “no trespassing”? Maybe a friend would help out with this one.
I recall the ancient female icebreaker of the dropped hanky. For millennia, women have found ways to break the ice with men that involve asking for their assistance. Goodness! I don’t think we have a right to entirely leave all of the work up to the men, just because feminists have distorted the roles so much. Not to say that Lady Gonemaverick is in need of any of this advice specifically, but I continue with general thoughts.
As a younger, married grandma, not particularly looking for male attention, I get approached by men young and old all the time now for a bit of friendly conversation. I am certain that this would lead to some invitations to dates from good men, if I were single. This did not happen before my extreme pretty time** and my own efforts to reach out to others, be approachable, be joyful at all times, and to share joy with others, just because it is the right thing to do as a Christian. I do not wish to brag, because it has been just an unexpected side effect of growing as a person and a Christian for me, but perhaps by my experience other ladies can benefit.
I think a lot of men these days are afraid of getting their heads bitten off for nothing. It is not being too forward to be smiling and willing to make conversation wherever we find ourselves. We can hold men to high standards after we have hooked them, but it will never happen until they feel safe to approach.
The women I encounter in person who ask these questions are unwittingly giving out some kind of signal that is off in some way—too shy, too intimidating/aloof, or something else. It is impossible to tell over the internet. Maybe a friendly male relative could advise.
[Guy adds: It starts at first encounter and lasts until a guy proposes marriage. A woman’s primary objective should be to get him talking and her listening. He needs it to confirm his confidence, intentions, and developing devotion. She needs it to help screen for his likeability.]
**Her ‘pretty time’ means she capitalizes on her natural prettiness by upgrading it with daily habits similar to those described at posts 2123-2127.
- Over the course of a decade or two of successful marriage, wife smoothly coaches and coaxes husband such that his shortcomings fade. Her role as indirect and patient change agent works agreeably to convert natural masculine resistance into what she wants him to be.
- Wife is pretty and capable of handling what husband doesn’t want to handle. Husband is handy, provides the essentials, and stands by to protect, produce what’s missing, and problem solve.
- Marital success begins with this foundation. He expects to be respected and admired, she expects to be loved and cherished.
- Husband is more interested in decisions made today. Wife is more interested in decisions made about the future. Why? She can’t always have her way today, but she can get her way better by shaping the future to brighten their relationship.
- Once wife learns to let husband get his way and convince himself that she knows he’s the boss, he becomes proud of her and decides that she’s better qualified than he ever thought. And so, he begins to let her have her way.
- After romantic love fades in a year or two, mutual enduring love settles a couple down to where she’s satisfied with him and he’s satisfied with her. Marital comfort and satisfaction follow, if wife will accept it rather than trying for further improvements, such as getting him to change.
- She smiles a lot for no apparent reason, and he knows that she’s okay. She doesn’t complain and he knows that he’s okay.
Back to basics. He needs self-admiration, because it motivates him to achieve. She needs a strong sense of self-importance, because it motivates her to be grateful for who she is and what she has. Husband doesn’t need feedback to confirm self-admiration. He’s independent about it. She is dependent and needs confirming feedback of others to justify her sense of self-importance. So, where’s the tradeoff? He loves her for admiring him, and she loves him for making her important to him. It’s the most satisfying and gratifying marital tradeoff.
This series intrigues me with the simplicity of marital workability. I hope you ladies will tag me if you think me off-base.
- My favorite is this. When she smiles, all must be well with her. If she doesn’t complain, all must be well with him. He reads her symbols and signals to find satisfaction more than he pays attention to her direct words.
- He expects her to admire him and his efforts. She expects him to confirm her importance. Her being cherished confirms it like nothing else; it’s superlative.
- She can’t, but he can fall in love at first sight and devote himself to her almost immediately. She then looks beyond his devotion expecting to be cherished. IOW, the more she gets the more she wants. Nothing wrong, just her nature. If she’s good enough for something, she’s good enough for more.
- Love satisfies her but not him. and so marriage doesn’t depend on love but many other inputs. Specifically, she finds enough satisfaction in her life with him that she keeps him satisfied living with her.
- A man’s devotion is the root of his love for her, which is the root of her expectation to be cherished. A woman’s love is the root of his expectation to be admired for who he is and what he does.
- She can’t change him although she wishes she could. He will change, however, when he wants to please her more highly than now.
- Mutual satisfaction living together outweighs her need to be happy each day and his need to use dominance to get his way.
If wives apply the art of love to verbalizing their complaints, husbands hear that they are worthy and depended upon, not that they are faulty or guilty. It’s worth her time and effort to eliminate blame in the home.
NOTE: It seems men in at least one big city have a new standard. Lady Aidos reports “It’s been astonishing to me how many men walk away after I refuse sex *on a second date*. It’s been the majority [after dozens of dates, NOV-APR].” Miss Gina offers appropriate self-help.
Dear Lady Aidos,
I understand your comment that being rejected can be draining. But consider a slightly different perspective. Try going into the date with an open but educated mind about the male nature…you already understand what is likely to happen, so you have your shields up…while giving him a small window of opportunity to prove himself. It is ok to be a bit cool and aloof toward the gentleman…remember how so many men go crazy over women who are downright mean–they represent a challenge. (I don’t recommend meanness, but a little impatience with or skepticism of a man can trigger his challenge reflex.) If you watch romantic movies from the 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s, (early 60’s too), the women are often good examples. [Guy says: Movie lists are available at posts 2039, 1369, 1242, 1224, and 541.] *You* are the one in the driver’s seat, and *you* are screening through many unworthy men. Most will move on, which is what makes them unworthy of you–*not* you unworthy of them. You only have to find one. Just this small change in perspective can make it easier on you and make you more attractive at the same time.
Boldness reduces discomfort. If a woman learns to stretch it into standards that she lives by, she can develop her future as she desires it. Her life is more up to her than even a man’s presence in her life.
Many gals ask how to get dating off on the right foot. How to react when they are approached or hit on. The following is my favorite. I offer it for the impact on the thoughts of a man when surprised by woman-think, especially when boldness enshrouds her imagination and female pride. Encounters are seldom neutral when the gal takes charge. See the bullets below.
We all avoid acting uncomfortable. But surprise men with female discomfort shrouded in boldness, and it enables a women to take charge of the man or men present. That is, shock a man awake by her determination to be female, feminine, and different from men. Anyway, here’s my favorite standard of a woman forgetting her discomfort to spill it boldly into a man’s face.
SITUATION. A man approaches, acquaintance or newbie, and they begin to chat. Natural, neutral, innocent. She smiles as if he’s likeable and responds respectfully to his chatter. No signs of her judging him as suitable or unsuitable. All men are suitable until they prove otherwise; it’s one of her standards.
At his first mention of sex, direct or indirect, she stops him and responds with this. “Listen, I put my sex life to sleep and now await Prince Charming to awake me as a woman. Talking, kissing, or fondling will not wake me. See you later.” She quietly, respectfully, and politely leaves him to his thoughts. (She departs, because he’s now on defense and would likely begin to argue that he can talk, kiss, or fondle her awake. It makes it awkward, because she’d have to insult him to stop his determination to recover his self-respect or save face.)
- It’s shock and awe time. She departs and leaves him challenged to try again or drop the encounter as not worth whatever it would take to recover.
- It offends his self-image; he thought he was better at meeting someone. It also puts him to thinking, wondering, speculating. How he did wrong or could have done better? He’s no longer in charge; how does he recover? Or does he want to?
- He can save face by admitting she’s wasn’t worth it anyway. Probably 80% of guys would take that comfortable way out. She thinks: Can’t stand up to the weaker sex? What kind of man is he? I don’t have to waste time on him. If I’m not worth a strong pursuit, if he’s so easily discouraged, he couldn’t be much of a man for me.
- She’s unique, a virtue difficult to earn in today’s marketplace. It stirs his thoughts and may keep them stirred for quite awhile. Prince Charming? Who’s that? What could he have that I don’t? She think she’s a fairy princess or something? She’s different alright, but how do I get next to her?
- She’s mysterious. What kind of woman is she? How does she expect to gain my ever loving attention by walking away? What else has she to offer beyond what I saw? What would it take to bed her sometime soon? How do I find out what her Prince Charming looks like and promises? Can I beat his time before he shows up?
- She’s determined, knows who she is, and intends to shape her life her way—or at least it appears that way and men believe what they figure it out better than anything she tells them. If talking, kissing, and fondling won’t wake her, what else must Prince Charming have, do, and is expected to do?
- He tells his buddies about it in ways that reflect good on him. Then he wonders if he gave her a raw deal by under estimating her potential as good woman.
Imposing her standard immediately puts her in charge and guys have no alternative but to forget her (I guess at 80%) to save face or try harder (20%) with a whole new approach. The 80% were only after sex and lost interest in her, which means they are not good enough for her. The 20% that develops a strong pursuit in spite of her standard are good candidates for a relationship. Thus, her discomfort uplifted with boldness separates the unqualified from the possibles with just a few words.