Category Archives: marriage

2812. A Special Recap for an Upcoming Bride: Sex Drive


Her Highness CartieB, with questions at post 2808, inspired this series in four-parts: compatible, purpose, love, and sex — i.e., posts 2809-2812.

SEX DRIVE. The sexes are generally born as described below. However, individuals modify and intensify their lives variously by lessons learned growing up, sometimes to the point of losing their sexual identity.

Both sexes are born to get their way associating with others. Women are born to recognize very early in life that they have a valuable birthright that men will honor when a woman respects herself deliberately, sufficiently, and defensively against penile penetration the first time. The longer she delays it with each man, the more respect she earns, and more respect fuels a man’s love and devotion.

That birthright difference enables women to get their way with men who are stronger, dominant, and intent on conquest. Discretion to participate sexually belongs to each woman, and she’s adequately prepared from birth to both earn and capitalize on success.

Her side of the “when to yield” puzzle looks like this. Five natural motivational forces energize sex in the woman’s world:

  1. Born with a physiological urge to nurture, it triggers the urge to procreate.
  2. She has a psychological imperative to assuage the wants of herself or needs of someone else that stimulate her to copulate.
  3. Possessing a primal need of self-importance, it ignites ambitions to outdo and outshine other women as a candidate for mating. (She empowers herself by negotiating sex such that she earns her own uniqueness and the respect of men or man; the latter enables development of a man’s love and devotion.)
  4. She comprehends the worth of sexually yielding to each man, especially the uniqueness and value of their first sexual encounter together. (Her primal acceptability of conquest earns a man the privilege that she cooperate with him and his ambitions.)
  5. She needs intimacy, and it is a prime motivator for yielding. Her nature craves it; she can almost never get enough. Especially when her spirits are down, which is quite often. (Intimate touching, fondling, caressing, and sweet words to enhance body closeness fuel a woman’s willingness, desire, and free will, which makes it easier to continue deeper into the process that pleases her, her partner, or to even make unanticipated mistakes.)

Those natural female interests enable women to recognize the male sex drive as different. She sees men energized more urgently, much harder to satisfy in quantity, and more easily satisfied in quality. Such perception empowers women to utilize sex for bonding, generating compatibility, and competing with other women. (Neither promiscuity nor orgasmic pleasure are natural motivators for the female gender. Both arise from lessons learned in life and are often used to override the five hormonal urges cited above.)

Primal motivational urges energize five versions of the male sex drive. These bring sex proactively into a man’s world:

  1. His interest in sex brings females onto the playing field.
  2. He has a life-long physiological urge to copulate with every female he finds attractive. He’s willing to pay a very high price but only to conquer and not for more. The more attractive she is to him, the higher the price he will pay for conquest only. Sex does not bond him, but conquest separates women into two classes. (To willingly and assertively pay the ultimate price of his freedom, he needs more; sex isn’t enough. He seeks the right woman who satisfies him with himself and he identifies as unique, feminine, and so virtuous not even he can achieve penetration the first time. IOW, she’s so hard to get, all his competitor males must also have missed out.)
  3. He has an instinctive and competitive urge to outdo and outshine other men. In response, he seeks to conquer women that other men can’t, enable bragging rights by doing so, and add boaster’s value to virginity.
  4. He possesses a steadfast and competitive ambition for frequent and convenient access to sex, for which he’s willing to pay the ultimate price. If, that is, he figures he can satisfy himself living with her better than living by himself or someone else.
  5. He has an instinctive craving to do something pleasurable with each erection, and instinct pushes him toward penile penetration of a vagina. (Penetration completes his conquest. Beyond his penetration and for subsequent sexual events, however, he’s just another sexual performer—good, poor, wasteful, selfish, indifferent. Orgasm is not a prime motivator of men. Pleasurable and rewarding, yes, but not a driving force until it is about to arrive as expected in a moment of orgiastic glory after penetration and as the result of his self-acknowledged excellent performance up to that moment.)

Those primal sex urges combine to make men compete with other males for females and compete with females for conquest—but for little else afterward with conquered women. After conquest, a man expects cooperation and thus refuses to compete; he will find a way out or avoid competing with a conquered woman.

Why? Conquest changes their relationship dramatically. He uses his persuasive interest achieving conquest, in ‘buying her’. IOW, he pays whatever price she demands. Job’s done; she’s his. Afterward she belongs to him, and he expects cooperation. Sex with her doesn’t bond him, and so neither her love nor sex will hold him. He’s now free to pursue others. He may lose significant arguments to her. So why take the risk of her winning and then losing the upper hand won with conquest? Men are not dumb; they only seem to be that way, because women don’t understand the male nature as men are born.

Even though born to be compatible as mates, the sexes differ greatly on matters of purpose, love, and sex. Society and life in it are as peaceful and satisfying as both sexes live according to their nature, the way they are born. Things start to fall apart, when the sexes begin for whatever reason to act like the opposite sex and thus betray their own nature.

In that case (and more follows tomorrow), women lose dominance of cultural values, standards, and expectations. Men run society according to male dominated and female-unfriendly values, standards, and expectations. Neither sex appreciates the other very much, blame spurs anger, anxieties spread, couples separate, and children self-develop to tunes played by the quarrelsome tongues of disrespectful parents, teachers, and adults.

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2811. A Special Recap for an Upcoming Bride: Love


Her Highness CartieB, with questions at post 2808, inspired this series in four-parts: compatible, purpose, love, and sex — i.e., posts 2809-2812.

LOVE. The sexes are generally born as described below. However, individuals modify and intensify their lives variously by lessons learned growing up.

The multiple expressions of womanly love can be described in four forms. 1) Romantic love, the offspring of infatuation, fades a year or two after a couple’s first sex together. 2) Enduring deep affection with romance embedded, and 3) enduring love for people and things without romantic connections, both of which reward a woman just by its presence in her heart. 4) Mother love sprouts anew and unconditionally after giving birth to each child.

Men have one highly complex form of loving a woman, mate, or wife. Founded on his respect that she has to earn, his devotion grows from his dedication to please her and habit of pleasing himself by pleasing her. Her personal likeability enhances his devotion and he senses pleasure when in her presence.

Complementing that with self-interest, logic, and reason, and her expected loyalty to him alone, he convinces himself that he can be more satisfied living with her than satisfied with himself living alone. It’s the revelation point; he admits to himself that she’s the one to fit into his life, and he decides to propose.

It’s a one-time moment and a man’s version of true love. He convinces himself that he will be more satisfied living with her than with himself or someone else. IOW, admitting true love to himself IS his willingness to commit. He proposes, thereby blindly accepts responsibility for generating success in their marriage, and trusts that his bride will govern their arrangement such that he remains satisfied with himself for marrying her.

Note what’s absent above, her love of him. While her love confirms that he’s worthy of her , it’s less for him and not the convincer or persuader she hopes for. Her love adds to her personal likeability, reinforces his likeability to her, and helps sustain his conviction that she will remain faithful to him. All of which grow a man’s love. But her love of him, however wonderfully she feels convincing him of it, isn’t nearly enough to keep him as she hopes and prays.

Two factors outrank and override both her love of him and good sex as predictors of their future together: 1) His devotion to her. 2) His satisfaction with himself living with her. Without one or both, she’s temporary.

The following dissolves any and all glues shown above and guarantees a couple’s togetherness will end sooner or later: blame, guilt, frustrations, criticisms, irritants, and belittling remarks aimed at husband.

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2810. A Special Recap for an Upcoming Bride: Purpose


Her Highness CartieB, with questions at post 2808, inspired this series in four-parts: compatible, purpose, love, and sex — i.e., posts 2809-2812.

PURPOSE. The sexes are generally born as described below. However, individuals modify and intensify their lives variously by lessons learned growing up.

A woman lives to fulfill herself as a good woman; she aches to be good and usually expects better. Hopeful of being happy—but not always able to stick to a regimen that keeps her feeling both good about herself and about doing good—she routinely falls out of grace with herself.

Much weaker than men in self-respect, she finds it essential to use self-love and love of others to make herself happy and on a steady course of life. She feels good about herself and senses that she does good; whenever, that is, she demonstrates love and gratitude for someone else. Also, her desire for goodness for its own sake pressures her to focus primarily on the future. She plans ahead, because conviction of being happy is temporary and her goodness is usually a little shy of achievement. Example: Tomorrow’s tasks and events have already been worked out in her mind, so she can sleep tonight.

On the road to goodness, she’s motivated to continually maintain the sense of self-importance that is confirmed to her by those around her and for whom she shows gratitude for their presence.

A man lives to primarily keep himself satisfied with himself; secondarily he keeps himself satisfied living with someone else or with whomever he associates. His focus primarily aims at the present, mostly because of the motivational importance of the verb keep. To keep himself satisfied with himself, a man is energized by the inborn need of self-admiration, which energizes him to work, to do, to accomplish, to achieve.

Focused on being satisfied with himself makes husband an easy tool in his wife’s hands. No need for perfection or her outlandish effort. She only needs to read him accurately and keep him satisfied with who she is and what she does. That’s enough to keep him satisfied for having married her. If he’s satisfied living with her, he didn’t make a mistake when he proposed, and that is both a self-satisfying conviction and a major producer and supporter of long-running compatibility.

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2809. A Special Recap for an Upcoming Bride: Compatible


Her Highness CartieB, with questions at post 2808, inspired this series in four-parts: compatible, purpose, love, and sex — i.e., posts 2809-2812.

COMPATIBLE. The sexes are born this way, but usually change quite a bit from lessons learned growing up.

Both sexes are born genetically and hormonally capable of living compatibly with a mate. Husband is responsible overall, but his wife works out the details that generate success. Also, both spouses are born to get their way when associating with others, and it makes competition the next most universal motivator within individual self-interest.

Women react differently to competition. Before they yield sex first time with each man, they compete to protect their virtue, preserve their dignity, and keep their husbandly candidate trying harder to prove his worth to her. IOW, win her. After she yields sex the first time, both he and she expect that her role is no longer competitive but cooperative.

Were it not for lessons learned that contradict their respective natures, men and women would likely be motivated to live together much more compatibly, comfortably, and longer. IOW, the more masculine he is and she respects him for it, the more feminine she is and he honors her for it, then the more likely their life together will not end in separation. Her respect and his honor, both generously exhibited, make a strong glue.

Moreover, compatibility is strengthened by how men and women differ in three natural and hormone-driven traits: purpose in life, love, and sex drive, each addressed in a new post.

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2808. Open Marriage: Details


The hidden, direct, and dishonorable purpose of open marriage is for wives to shop for another mate at the expense of the one they suckered into marriage. One they find no longer worth loving exclusively.

Open marriage proves this point: Love is never enough. Women swear by love. They applaud their ability to spread it around and promise their husbands a successful life together. However, lack of respect, loyalty, likeability, or faith about their future ahead are all capable of reducing a woman’s love to not enough for her to work harder to keep her marriage sound.

Instead of fulfilling good intentions as promised, wives act like men and seek escape without risk to present security. They seek open marriage. Wife may be partially motivated to beat husband at what she suspects he’s doing or at least beat him to it.

Open marriage disrupts current marital relations, dislocates benefits for their own children, and discredits the institution of marriage as friend of females. Wives see opportunity outside the home. They plead and negotiate for open marriage to fulfill sexual dreams with other men, domestic ambitions with another man, or both.

Open marriage directly spoils marital sacredness established and supported over centuries of civilized human relations and supported by religious institutions and moral values and standards.

Open marriage by a few women means the death of marriage for all. Easy escape easily perceived can become more popular and preferable to keeping a marriage alive with the hard work of wives. Husbands, traditionally responsible to stay with their wives, will have marital glue dissolved in the beds of other men.

A man’s proposal of marriage makes him responsible for marital success, defined here as they never separate. He can’t be held responsible when other men can screw him out of his woman.

A wife’s obligation dissolves with open marriage. She’s no longer responsible to satisfy husband with himself as husband. He’s also free to seek wives or single women to fulfill his side of open marriage. If he can, that is. He has far bigger problems attracting a woman than she a man, and it’s another stressful inequality. Even the dumbest of husbands should see it as an extra freebie for their wives. Extra freebies cause envy and jealousy, either or both of which eats away at mutual respect, loyalty, likeability, loyalty, and faith in the future together, any of which can overpower a woman’s love.

Many husbands are sexually inexperienced. In bed with women not their own, they perform poorly, embarrassedly, and without the attractions that enable them to win a woman for himself. IOW, even replacing spouse is a far more troublesome business than his wife experiences in the wide open spaces of external relationships. More freebies for her.

An open marriage is perhaps preceded by help from a therapist. One who has no interest in preserving a marriage, but therapists get paid to satisfy two people that are doing the ‘right’ thing for them. IOW, therapists earn their pay by indirectly convincing the recalcitrant spouse that the spouse most interested in open marriage should get his or her way. Wife seeking open marriage is already dead set against continuing as before; she’s tired of husband and seeks redress because he’s dumb or stupid enough to let her ‘experiment’ with other men.

Open marriage is the death of a man’s marital rights. When husband gives away monogamous entitlements, it enables wife to choose to be responsive to him only to the extent she desires. Any submissiveness is killed by just a stiff refusal; she has the whole outside world as option to following husband’s lead. With so many options and potentials other than him, the pressures build on husband to accept wife’s bluffs.

Her respect of husband declines from his unwillingness to protect what is rightfully his, earned at the altar, and promised as her part of their marital bargain. By yielding marital rights, husband’s self-respect fades from being unable to cover all the bases necessary for him to be responsible for marital success.

In the final analysis, open marriage shames the husband’s ego, reduces his interests to marital irrelevance, and replaces the natural dominance of the husband role with dominance by the roles of independent wife and concerned mother. Any equality or harmony as a couple shrinks beneath the constant stress of sour notes, discord, and growing bitterness.

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2807. Open Marriage: Big Picture


A recent trend in feminist-think is the open marriage. A married couple chooses to freely associate sexually with others both known and unknown. Pressure for expanding its popularity is another power play by feminists to expunge America of family traditions. And open marriage is certain to accelerate the trend.

Feminists are always seeking ways to equalize the sexes. However, open marriage magnifies the inequality against men already institutionalized in laws and courts.

The feminist cause behind open marriage is to discredit marriage and eventually end it as an institution of togetherness. Feminists see marital obligations as unequal, onerous, and even abusive to wives, because feminists have convinced women that they shouldn’t respect men for either who they are or what they do.

Blame men and one finds it easy to justify getting what feminists want women to become: loudmouth defenders of equality for the sake of imposing more womanly influence over men. It’s well underway too. Feminists tout sexual freedom, sex for pleasure, and embrace porn for its homo influence; all serve as innocent or welcomed motivators of women. In the name of more sexual activity, everything is now welcomed by women.

Open marriage threatens the success of two primal urges that women have spent millennia trying to arrange dynamically and to the advantage of female interests. Specifically, mother love and the primal sex drive of men to conquer, both of which last for life.

Those two complex, complementary, and balanced motivational forces are alike in strength, dynamism, and determination. The primary sex drive buried deep in the unconscious mind of men explodes during puberty and remains a hidden agenda for life. It motivates men to achieve the one-time conquest of attractive and available women. As for women, mother love is rooted deep in the female’s unconscious mind and emerges with natural childbirth.

Over the millennia, by promising monogamous loyalty, wives tame masculine wildness and convince men to live a civilized life that wives can then make evermore female-friendly. Marriage has always been some sort of swap meet that domesticates men to be loyal in generating/providing/protecting a woman’s family in exchange for wife being sexually faithful.

 

Open marriage provides individual wives many opportunities to find a new mate while enjoying the pleasures of sex and screening for new-mate potential. Each encounter becomes a satisfying shopping trip at virtually no cost to her. Without interest in that possibility, the female nature has no interest in spousal permission to betray the other.

Women bond with men during sex. As open wives bond with other men, they are certain to splinter whatever allegiance exists to husband. How many strangers and friends, how much outside bonding? Whatever, it’s a huge inequality of spousal loyalty.

Women who seek open marriage have already lost allegiance to their husband, or at least lost enough to question the wisdom of remaining with him without testing the outside world. Or, at least lost enough that the anticipated joy of new mystery and sex for pleasure overrides interest in him.

Men don’t bond during sex, and so husbands lack both the pleasures and the emotional connections that naturally uplift open wives. With permission to cheat, sex with other women becomes routine if husband can find women who are willing. Wives can easily find sex partners; husbands can’t. Another advantage to women. His inequality leaves husband monogamous as before, while wife splits and splinters their togetherness with thoughts of other men.

If she has sex with friends or acquaintances of husband, what do you think happens to his respect among those friends and cohorts? It’s not a condition men tolerate easily, and they usually take deep hurt or great offense.

Open marriage threatens both spouses and their dreams of togetherness. Only a few sexual encounters outside the relationship are sufficient to sever emotional connections in the home. Two people living separate lives under the same roof, for how long can their marriage last? What will their children learn, as mother pursues sex while father sits with the kids? Can boys respect mothers who aren’t loyal to fathers? Kids can quickly conclude that mom looks for a new father for them.

 

Their respective natures work like this. Beginning in toddlerhood, men dream of doing or becoming what they admire. Ambitions arise, accomplishments build one upon another, until they develop their lives into the pursuit of what they dream.

Girls are slightly different. They self-develop in girlhood until they feel proficient as candidate for a good woman. Then, just before or in the early throes of puberty,  they visualize and dream of what they expect their life to become. Usually with husband, family, and home or suitable substitutes that come with settling down as a couple.

He cheats and she wants to talk. His emotional connection with her is more important than his physical fidelity. She has two options from which to choose the best for her at the time and amidst her total situation.

OTOH, she cheats and he wants to walk. Only one option exists because she betrays him to his competitors, which threatens his self-respect, which weakens his respect for her, and which proportionally weakens his love of her. A man is unwilling to live with an unfaithful woman, because he loses both respect and love for her.

As spouses become less unique in generating and keeping emotional connections with each other, their purpose of mutually trading strengths and mutually compensating for weaknesses dissolves into weaker values for tradeoff. Each becomes less important to the other, and the glue of marriage dissolves with each exchange of dissatisfaction with the other. Open marriage is designed to produce that effect: They don’t need each other as much as before and are justified in finding someone else.

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2806. Response to a Malcontent


The previous post, 2805, lists 20 mismanagement tendencies that cause marital breakups. To it, Godsgrace55 responds this way:

“All 20 of those behaviors also apply to men. But men think they don’t have to address their own behaviors. That is why you notice so many middle age and senior women without a wedding ring. Those women get fed up, divorce, and live a better quality of life.”

I respond as follows.

——

Dear Godsgrace55, you still don’t get it.

  1. Blaming men costs women whatever advantage they wish they had among men. (Blame may be well deserved, but it works contrary to what women intend.)
  2. Neither sex lives alone without the presence of the other in their lives. At the cultural level aimed at brightening the females’ future, women lead and men follow. At the societal level aimed at the present, men lead and women follow. It’s a swap-meet at which women have first choice for generating success for females, if they but focus on the future instead of getting their way in the present.
  3. In general and indirectly but not in particular and directly, women act and men react in response to the cultural values, standards, and expectations, and men drive society along those lines.
  4. This blog is What Women Never Hear, not what men never hear. Men don’t listen to men about how to handle or deal with women. If women don’t exemplify what they expect out of men, then men follow their competitive and often combative nature that women resent so easily.
  5. The sexes are born such that each individual seeks to get his or her way associating with others. It makes competition the most universal motivator. Except for sex before conquest, men have little or no use of women who compete with them. When women get their way all the time according to female expectations, men lose interest in providing/protecting, raising children, and staying with one woman.
  6. Women gain the superior edge in society by using morality, religion, pre-conquest sex, and marriage to tame and harness men to female expectations without emasculating them.
  7. Women do what’s right based on what they believe. Men do what’s right based on what they figure out will satisfy them the best. Blame cancels masculine interest for believing that women could be more right than he.
  8. When the dominant gender becomes mesmerized by feminine ability, aptitude, and astuteness, dominance dissolves beneath an canopy of female superiority.
  9. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera….

Your last sentence is one-sided and exclusively blames men: “Those [middle age and senior without wedding ring] women get fed up, divorce, and live a better quality of life.”

To which I make it two-sided by inserting and bolding the blanks. “Those women get fed up because they can’t get husbands to change to meet wifely expectations, initiate divorce in order to save face and more realistically discredit him, and live a better quality of life by demeaning him, by calling single life high quality to cover her disappointment or embarrassment, and to hide her disenchantment of life without her man.”

Summarized, modern women continue to lose the ability to get what they want out of men. Blame, demand, and political pressure get results, but not what women wish they had from about middle age onward.

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