Category Archives: nurturing

2681. Love is Never Enough — VI: Women Love Two Ways (Didn’t ya’ know?)


Female love has some unexpected and unused characteristics. It can mislead women on how to deal with those they love. There is love, which is one directional that pleases the one expressing her love, but it doesn’t bring the feedback that she craves. Then there is sincere love, which is two directional; she includes more than her attention, affection, and appreciation. She expects rewarding feedback, but she has to work extra to get it

Females have at least five reasons for expressing their love of another. 1) They want something. 2) It makes them feel good about themselves. 3) It’s the right thing to do. 4) They want to unload their emotions. 5) They want to be important to the loved one, to trigger the thought that the loved one sees the loving one as important to him or her.

The first four satisfy the loving one, who presumes or hopes that 5) will also be a result. But that two directional exchange of thoughts or words happens only with sincere love.

When women give love for nothing extra for themselves, specifically 1) through 4) above, they cripple their own self-interest.

Love becomes sincere love when gratitude for the loved one is included in a woman’s expressions of love. The loving one seeks to hear it, but she can’t just say in the course of expressing her love that “I am important to you.”

When, however, she shows or expresses the gratefulness she finds in the one being loved, the latter sees the former as important in his or her life. Who else in the loved one’s life finds gratitude in her or him?

It makes gratitude more important than love itself. Love is the vehicle, gratitude is the cargo.

So, gratitude does what love alone can’t do to a relationship. Now, I know you ladies will probably claim that your love always includes your gratefulness. If it did, those you love would never question, seldom disagree, or ignore your attempts to shower them with loving attention and affection. Mere expressions of  love are nowhere near as complimentary as specific gratitude you can disclose about things the loved one seldom figures is noticed by anyone else including, perhaps, themselves.

In the normal course of relating as couple, her love is unearned. He’s done nothing and men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. If she shows gratitude for who he is or what he does, then he has earned it and she makes herself more valuable to have nearby. Her gift of gratefulness usually agrees with or exceeds his own assessment of his self-worth. Nice that she sees it that way too.

In the normal course of relating as female friends, her love is deserved. But each female has a deeper ambition, to be important to the other. It doesn’t come from routine attention and affections. It comes from the gratefulness that one expresses for the other. They extend mutual gratitude and receive mutual confirmation of their respective self-importance. It holds friends together.

So, in the normal course of relating, you gals should find and express gratitude wherever and however you can, and you will be more important to female friends, more worthy of continuing attention from a man, and you will also appear much more sincere to both.

Remember this? “Men are never more handsome than…” as a way to express a woman’s gratitude for minor pleasantries, chivalries, and gallantries. It buffs and shines his self-admiration, the motivation behind most of a man’s accomplishments.

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2666. Women’s Happiness Is a Daily Process


Here’s another view of how women succeed or don’t succeed in life. If you recall, post 806 describes the pathway to female happiness, and this is part of how it works.

Life is a process and the female nature is designed to enable each woman to capitalize on it. Her inborn motivational forces push her around inside a model that looks remarkably like this.

She’s born with self-love, knows that she’s pretty, and has an endless urge to get her way associating with others. Sprouting out of self-love is self-gratitude for being alive with so much to give away or share with others, to be good by doing good, to get her way over matters for which she feels responsible. Note that self-gratitude stirs her to action more than desire to love. Who wants to love someone or something, if one can’t first be grateful for how they fit into one’s life? (It’s why she’s not likely to love a man who constantly irritates or criticizes her; she can’t be grateful for herself when she’s uncomfortable with him.)

Unless ruined by nincompoops in childhood, self-love and prettiness are permanent. Both bless her with self-gratitude that is, however, not permanent but subject to the surprises and moods of life. If her self-gratitude is weakened, she can’t give what she does not possess. And so, her relationship effectiveness also weakens.

When she is grateful for herself, 1) she gets her way by showing gratitude for others, 2) thereby appears important to them, 3) which confirms her primal motivational objective to reap self-importance, 4) which enlarges her self-gratitude, and 5) which gives her more of her “grateful charm” to spread around.

The more gratitude she spreads around, the more good that she does, and the better person she becomes. God designed her to become a better person, or doing so would not be pursued and so highly valued among women.

Consequently, the essence of female happiness is her gratitude, and the root is the daily “happys” that she earns. Doing her best eliminates self-doubt and -criticism.

Remember, that’s the design that women inherit at birth. If not followed somewhat along those lines, her relationships deteriorate. Looking at the behavior of modern women, my diagnosis is that they severely lack self-gratitude and thus hamstring themselves from an enjoyable life doing what women do so well (and men don’t do at all).

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P.S. If she focuses on spreading her gratefulness, love will take care of itself. How do I know? A woman’s love doesn’t bond a man; he doesn’t think he deserves it. However, her gratitude comes across that he has value, may be admired, and suggests he’s good enough that she can depend on him. Those conditions are more satisfying than even her love.

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2621. Love is Never Enough — I


Wives live to give and receive love. Husbands live to satisfy themselves as doers, achievers, producers, and—hopefully but not always—as good marriage partners.

After marriage, she expects to be happy with the love she can provide and exchange, as she plans, executes, and shapes their marital home and life.  However, he expects to be satisfied living with her in that life together. What she provides and what he expects make a huge difference and it lasts throughout their marriage.

Those different objectives make them compatible and interruptions don’t have to separate them. However, from day one each depends on something different from the other. It’s the most critical challenge of their marriage, to keep him satisfied with her so that he remains satisfied with himself.

His major challenge is to produce, provide, protect, and solve her problems. If he slips or fails to do so, she senses that she should stimulate him to do better. The smarter and wiser wives encourage their man to get moving and do better. They manage to do it without disturbing but enabling him to find new satisfactions within himself.

Contrary to woman-think, a man doesn’t enter marriage for her love except as he sees it capable of shaping their togetherness in ways that satisfy him. Woman-think says that by combining a man and woman’s love, all things are possible. Man-think says that marriage is for women except when they can provide husbands with a satisfying existence living together. Her love of him motivates her but not him. Her likeability and apparent loyalty primarily motivate him to find her satisfying for his life.

Women ask, what about his responsibility to make my life satisfying to me? He has none, and smart wives don’t want it anyway. Two reasons: 1) Striving for personal satisfaction does not appeal to women; too much else is more important. 2) If husband is burdened to satisfy wife, he will take charge of her and marriage and run the show his way. No wife in her right mind desires that.

Men measure personal success by the satisfaction they find within themselves. Satisfaction that arises out of first figuring or planning what to do and then accomplishing what they likely will or intend to achieve. Consequently, husbands expect success in marriage from what they identify as their responsibility and expected achievements, but they measure success by personal satisfaction.

They fully expect to do their part as they identify it, and whether wife helps or not. In either event, a husband expects to find satisfaction with his wife, satisfaction living with her, and the resulting satisfaction that can be credited to marriage. If any satisfaction with wife is missing, satisfaction with himself tends to vaporize and marriage takes on the aura of an original mistake. A man has a strong tendency to recover from self-induced mistakes, his wife’s objections to the contrary notwithstanding.

Marital success to a husband relies not on wife’s love for him, but predominantly on how her love motivates her to love living and caring for his castle and life. That is, she loves to fabricate, arrange, and manage all the things that bring them together, and which boil down to his satisfaction with her and their living together. He appreciates her indirectly and finds marital success from all the pleasant harmony she brings into their life together.

Her love of him is never enough. For marital success, she has to love marriage, family, togetherness, relationships, duties, arranging, managing, uplifting, encouraging, mothering, children, inspiring, teaching, admiring, and stimulating all the events and circumstances that a couple faces. In short, she loves running their show more than she shows or needs his proactive displays of his love of her. She needs confirmations of her importance, but she learns to get a lot elsewhere than from husband.

The wife’s burden in a successful marriage is to shape and harmonize their lives together, which requires that she loves doing it even more than she loves him. That is the ultimate in a lasting marriage. They morph as individuals into a closed-circuit togetherness from three female motivations. 1) She learns to forgive and live with his faults. 2) She finally visualizes him as Mr. Right. 3) What she creates as ‘us’ and generates as harmony personified is more important in her heart than love of her husband.

That’s right, success in marriage means she ends up loving him less than their harmonized togetherness; it’s part of what makes lifelong marriage work. She was born to generate a wifely ‘empire’ in which to perfectly raise children, and her man was an essential ingredient to get her started and help out all along and for so many years. That’s why love is never enough.

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Blog 2616 — Hero Day


A family should have as many hero days as members. So, I propose that women add this to their annual calendars.

Six months to the date after everyone’s birthday is their own personal Hero Day.

I suggest that the family recognize it as official. Recognition and celebration to include a family get together. Everyone present must present a reason to the celebrant why they are viewed as heroic or hero to the presenter.

No gifts to be exchanged. Also, gifts cannot be used to substitute for declaration about the celebrant. Only words are acceptable and hopefully amid smiles of affection.

I will be accused of watering down the definition of hero, but I suggest that uplifting of mates, siblings, and parents is worth it. We all want to be a hero of some sort. So why shouldn’t we have it shown to us from friendly faces capable of showering us with love, respect, approval, appreciation, or an honorable and genteel expression of the celebrant’s importance in the lives of those nearby?

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2606. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 15


Hank, seated on his balcony, starts into a six-pack as he awaits the start of his favorite team’s football game. Recalling a female friend of old, he uses a tactic she taught him. Here I am, about to marry my best friend. She has all the positive talents, skills, and attitude I hope to see in a wife, but do I see any red flags? She doesn’t hate men or dogs. She’s not short tempered. She can plan something and finish the tasks in it. She wants to go to church regularly. She loves children and wants her own. She can cook very well. She’s modest but very strong about protecting sexual connections. She’s not extravagant about her living. She’s not against having a big family, but we have not discussed or agreed yet on a plan. Also, we have not discussed an organizational plan into which we fit the eight strategies I sent her on email.

He continues his thoughts. She wants to not work after children are born, especially until they enter first grade. If we have two kids six-years apart or six one-year apart, it means she would stay home at least for 12 and maybe more years. It also means one income for well over a decade; does she fear that and justify her conclusion about having a small family? Is she basing her preference for a smaller family on the expectation that I cannot provide? I have to talk to her. Why not tonight? Cancel the concert we were going to and just talk; her brother wants our tickets anyway. Things are beyond serious. We have a lot to cover, now that we are moving our wedding to sooner rather than later.

He leaves the balcony’s surround-sound traffic noise. He calls and starts with disappointment, she sees a red flag. “Honey, I want to cancel the concert tonight. Can you go along with it? I’ll give our tickets to your brother; it’s sold out and he wants to go. I want a talk-fest to cover at least two items we have only touched on. We think so much alike, we never go very deep into any subject. I would like to reinforce some things and perhaps drop others. Whatcha think?”

Sensing she overstepped with her ‘speech’ about men and making love, she inquires about his agenda. It sounds okay, but her antenna go up. Too much conviction in his voice. Just red flagging his voice over the phone, his ideas seem already sealed and his agenda doesn’t sound very negotiable, although he provides her nothing by way of ideas or negotiations. She feels underrated or cheated of his best kind of treatment. Is it lack of respect or mutual understanding?

She prepares for the worst, until they meet and he orders champagne with a smile that smacks of his intention to be considerate and loveable to her. Pointing to the bottle, he tells her “we gotta talk and that should help.” She sweetens up and….

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2537. Unpredictable Pays Off Especially for Her


Thanks to Her Highness Winni, she prompted this. The sexes do not see eye to eye on the subject of faithfulness. Men see sexual infidelity as the worst offense to them. Women see emotional infidelity as the worst to them; they can tolerate sexual unfaithfulness if they are sure no emotional connection remains with the other woman. It does not mean they will, but both sexes are born capable of seeing things as just described.

Women don’t seem to realize this. The more predictable she is, the less respect that a man has for her. Example: She declares loudly and often and he hears her just once, ‘if he cheats on me he is outta here, period’. She just threw up a disrespectful challenge for him to beat the odds. OTOH, if she’s quiet on the subject, she neither challenges him nor shows disrespect that he might even think about it. It is easy for him to presume that she trusts him, and he has no reason to displease her.

The quieter she is about her values, especially absolutes that reflect on him, the better she is as a wife. The more he knows that removes her mystery, the poorer she comes across as wife. The more unpredictable she remains, the greater her ability to influence him in any given situation. When men face a woman they know too well, they are unafraid to act; when they face one about whom they know little about what she really feels, they prefer not to act but at least pause to judge better what they face. The pause enables her to get her foot in the door of influencing him to get her way.

It is all a smooth and intricate game, but it is natural for her to get her way when he knows not really who she is, or what will come out of her next—as long as she never puts him down or criticizes or even claims constructive criticism. Those last things make him not care how mysterious she is about other things; she doesn’t respect him for who he is or she would not nag or criticize.

Even if he deserves criticism or nagging by his own measure, it is still unacceptable. She accepted him at conquest for who and what he is, and she is burdened to live with it. His view, at least. Her respect is more important than her love of him, so she is ill-advised to think, e.g., that constructive criticism is what he needs.

Consequently, what she will do—not what she thinks but what she will do—about the offensive things that can happen between two people is better kept to herself. The Sphinx in the home is best at getting his or her way most of the time. Unpredictability promotes marital glue; predictability about what one will do in specific events weakens marital connections.

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2536. Submission #05 — MHW’s Great Teaching Moment


I received a comment two years ago and it amazed me. To honor the author’s perspicacity,  I re-post it as a sterling addition and fitting for this series. I sure wish I could make things as simple and clear. I trust you enjoy it as much as I.

The following is quoted without change as Her Highness My Husband’s Wife posted it at 2044. And I repeat it again as a wonderful contribution and example of clear thinking from within the females’ submissive spirit.

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“This subject is so good with so many aspects to explore and think about. Wives/husbands/pastors always focus on the “submit” verse, but I believe there is great value to a wife in understanding the other half of the equation regarding her husband in Ephesians 5:25 (‘Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.’) If you were to sum this verse up in one word, it would be ‘SACRIFICE.’

“So then a wife looks at HOW a husband sacrifices DAILY for her…some examples would be:
• Working to pay the bills with a job he doesn’t particularly like = sacrifice
• Picking a practical vehicle to save vs. sports car = sacrifice
• Despite so many attractive women, being physically faithful to wife = sacrifice
• Giving up his independent lifestyle to be with her = sacrifice
• Spending less time with the guys to be with her = sacrifice
• Limiting time spent on hobbies to be about family business = sacrifice
• Quitting a partying lifestyle to be more family oriented = sacrifice
• Forgoing new camping equipment to buy household items = sacrifice
• Staying with her despite her failures/imperfections = BIG sacrifice
“Of course each marriage is unique in the way husband gives up things for her and his family. It’s quite humbling when a wife sees really how much husband does which ultimately injects GRATEFULNESS for him into her heart. Of course he won’t always sacrifice perfectly as women don’t always submit perfectly.

“I see this contrast in my marriage clearly when I compare my husband’s single friend to him. The single friend is all about buying whatever he wants, getting all sorts of women, doing what he wants/when he wants, he doesn’t always have to work, etc. etc. It’s every man’s ‘fantasy!’ Then I look at my husband who has given up so much and his “independence” for the sake of “us” and it’s pretty amazing. It’s HIS version of ‘FREE TO SERVE’ with his FREE WILL.”

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I don’t know about you, but I love it when I see a pretty woman use her inborn female nature to judge so intelligently. Not perfect, but her husband does so many things right, she deserves credit for good screening and remaining the woman he married. Good enough that he sees no reason to do less than what’s right for him and her. Yes, I am presuming that because she sees all those sacrifices, he stays well pleased at home.

Guy

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