Category Archives: nurturing

2787. Screen Him and His Mother Together


If following her nature, a woman wants a good man as she defines good. In today’s social and domestic marketplaces, both a clear definition and good men are absent. According to women, that is. Men will argue the contrary all day long, but they neither make it clear nor right.

An old maxim says, he will treat you like he treats his mother. Keep that thought in mind, as I think you should spend more time in the company of your dates and their mothers together and even separately if your man is not available.

On her turf, his turf, and even your turf, check out how treats her. Then take it to the next level. Analyze specifics such as these examples:

  • Does he listen attentively to her? What techniques does she use to capture and hold his attention?
  • Does she wait at doors for his opening of them? Hold the car door? How else does she show her respect of him?
  • Is his respect of her so sincere that it would happen even if you were not present?
  • Is she satisfied with both herself and him? Does he read and accept her satisfaction in him?
  • Does she seek to impress him or for him to impress her?
  • Does she avoid whiny and complaining chatter? She fair minded as opposed to seeking equality in all that she manages?
  • Does he help her with big things? Or just little things? How does she solicit his help, or just wait for him to detect her need and then act?
  • Does the good order of her house convince you she had high standards and expectations when he was growing up?
  • How much of her childhood influence remains in his adult character? Do you see it when alone with him?

A good movie shows off a mother who does most things right, if you measure her effort by her sons’ resounding goodness. I recommend Gifted Hands, which was made from Ben Carson’s autobiography. Tough moms harden boys into pleasing mom forever, which makes them good men.

Now, ladies, you are much more skilled than I about reading people and situations. My examples above are intended to get you started. There’s a lot more you can discover in the relationship of boyfriend and his mother.

I’m trying to foster this point in your thinking, your man is as good as his mother shaped him in childhood. Some remnants of her effort should be visible when they are together.

If mother didn’t teach him well, he ‘filled out’ his childhood by adapting his character, values, standards, and expectations according to teen peers. He’s no better than his fellow adultolescents. The early and not late childhood foretells a man will qualify as good for a girlfriend aimed at becoming his prospective wife.

The measuring stick that will help serve you is time spent in the company of boyfriend and his mother. If he does propose, you have a good feeling that he will treat you good. Befriend your future mother-in-law, and you’ll earn her help rather than no help or even disdain.

5 Comments

Filed under boobs, courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, Fickle female, Home CEO, marriage, nurturing, Uncategorized

2761. She Calls it Cherished — I


The sexes are born with distinctly different motivational energies. A man aims at keeping himself satisfied with himself throughout life. He needs little help, and shortcomings and failures are usually his problem.

A woman’s motivational energies are tri-functional. 1) She aims at being good by doing good. 2) She seeks happiness by being grateful for self, others, and life. 3) She fulfills her female destiny by giving birth, being cherished by the person most important to her, and by having a mate to give purpose to her later years.

Many women miss out, choose other paths, or are trained in childhood for other things. They can still have a good and happy life. However, without fulfilling her destiny, women feel less important about themselves, less successful in life, and less satisfied with fulfilling their inborn motivations, girlhood dreams, and expectations about adult life.

Childbirth and having a mate to give purpose to her later years need no discussion here. They happen as the result of lengthy chains of events with someone else involved. Cherished by the person most important to her is another matter; it’s the subject here.

Watch this, ladies. A wife is as cherished as she thinks she is. IOW, she concludes that she’s cherished or not by how she’s honored and treated by the most important person in her life. He doesn’t do cherishing per se, because men don’t know how or even what it means in terms of what he should do. Hubby and wife could argue for decades, if the issue is whether or net she is cherished.

She is isolated in her thoughts about being cherished. To include husband is to involve him in relationship management, and men don’t recognize the need for that. His  relationship is okay and working, or its not.

She decides whether she’s cherished or not from how hubby admires her. His admiration spotlights her virtues as they live life together. She then figures she’s cherished or not from the manner in which he handles her closely or distantly as love and sex object, respected wife, trusted lover, teammate or tolerable load, dependable or questionable, stalwart or weak, attractive or okay, stable or unpredictable, doer or complainer, faithful or doubtful.

Thus, whether she later becomes cherished or not depends on 1) screening a man for his likeability and potential to admire her, 2) continually pursuing the affirming and positive side of their life together, and 3) loosening his nature against displaying emotional connections.

Items 1) and 2) have been covered in this blog, but Item 3) is new and more closely and directly connected to cherishment than anything else. It is non-passionate intimacy and subject of the next article.

5 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, marriage, nurturing, sex differences

2760. Childhood Chores Produce Men Who Love Best


Background

Men are reasonably simple to describe until it comes to loving someone—including themselves. At birth boys lack two vital ingredients essential for their hearts to develop and later distribute as love of others. 1) Unlike girls, boys are born with no sense of self-love. They can’t give what they don’t have. 2) They are born with a sense of responsibility, however, but only to themselves; others are left out of that genetic predisposition.

Men are born to love and be responsible only for what they want to do, and it doesn’t include other people or even themselves to love. Lessons learned later in life program their hearts much too easily with disdain for self-love, love of others, and female friendly ways. Even hate is possible. Those lessons, whatever the outcome, mostly arrive under the sponsorship of parents.

Men learn to love others indirectly. First, they learn to love themselves, and second they expand their sense of responsibility to include others than just themselves. Again, it happens in childhood or not likely at all.

Women are born to love others including themselves. Mating couples can’t succeed very well, however, unless women program the masculine heart with lovable and loving kindness that moves manly interest toward female-friendly interests and conditions. IOW, men become what Womanhood—to the extent that women act alike—expects them to become.

Men don’t love women and kids unless mothers civilize boys about life in the domestic arena; teen girls tame boys to get their way and make boys learn to appreciate female life in the social arena; bachelorettes smooth out the ruffled feathers of masculinity; and wives complete their man’s self-development to promote and harmonize family friendliness.

——

Solution

A man’s ability to love others arises from a two-step process. 1) His potential to love future wife and kids arises during self-development in his growing-up years. His latent ability develops from actions that program him with loveable, peaceable, and harmonizing thoughts and loyalty that overwrite any disinterest and hate for self and others. 2) His love becomes fulfilled with later experience investing himself in the care and lives of those he loves. His actions program his heart, and the greater his investment of self, the greater his sense of duty to provide, protect, etc.

Men see the love of someone else as a duty, and men do their duty to satisfy themselves. By self-development and expanding his sense of responsibility to include others, duty becomes routine and his love becomes more evident.

——

Left to themselves, boys self-develop strictly loyal to self. OTOH, they develop with broader interest in other people when they learn who they are, what they do, and what roles they fill in life in the process of peaceably handling daily chores. Consequently, the fewer and less challenging the chores, the more loyal boys remain to self and less potential they develop for loving and being responsible for others.

The daily expression of fulfilling responsibility for chores programs their hearts. They may never learn to love the chores. However, they learn to like themselves for pleasing someone else, mostly mom, and displaying their ability. That is both personal growth and self-development. They become more unique as new chores challenge their maturity and they incorporate chores into their self-developmental habits. It all works as God designed us: Actions program the heart during the decade between toddler and puberty.

After a decade of chores, boys are programmed with both reason to love self and acceptance that their sense of duty includes other people and things in life. IOW, boys develop habits of externalizing rather than internalizing their thoughts, efforts, and satisfactions, which programs their hearts for sharing love more easily by accepting responsibility for others.

Parents and mostly mothers have one solution to overcome developmental obstructions. It is the continual assignment and peaceful supervision of chores. Over a decade, that process turns out mature adults capable of personal devotion and loyalty to others, and it flourishes particularly for parents who lead by example and suppress disturbance with love rather than turmoil. Thus, the childhood habit of loyalty to one’s chores emerges in adulthood as loyalty to those for whom one is responsible.

In the final analysis, boys are born lacking self-love and with his sense of responsibility focused directly on himself alone. Girls are born lacking in self-respect. Work in the form of chores develops both a boy’s self-love and expands his sense of responsibility to include others. Chores between toddler and puberty breeds self-respect in girls.

After his conscious mind opens in his third year, with good parenting, boys learn both self-love and to expand his sense of duty to include others by self-consciously performing chores that are not demeaning but which uplift him through achievements. Success performing chores slightly more mature than he is at the time program his heart with both self-love and ability to be responsible to and for others. Out of the process of performing endless boyhood chores imposed peaceably by motherly values, standards, and expectations inculcated into his still-developing character, a boy begins teen life with a heart full of mature man-think by the time puberty has passed.

 

9 Comments

Filed under Dear daughter, How she wins, marriage, nurturing, sex differences, The mind

2721. Depression in Children — Responsibility


If this principle were more universally applied in society, much depression would not occur. Neither would psychologists just now be discovering that depression exists in four-five year old kids:

  • Childhood responsibility prevents depression then and later.

Childhood responsibility is duty in which a self-developing child feels obligated, comfortable, and without fear. From toddler to puberty, chores are most effective if they match up and grow with the child’s developing maturity.

Parental influence begins early. When the conscious mind opens in the third year of life, kids become aware they too are a person and capable of doing things. Shortly thereafter they become aware they are boy or girl. They come to expect the respect they see others receive. Soon they see that girls and boys are respected and treated differently. Accepting it as normal, they become interested in doing things and open up to whatever comes as different lessons in life.

Parental habits and kids’ subconscious minds synchronize easily and soon hardwire this into the mind of toddlers. Respect and trust are reciprocals. A parent who assigns responsibility for chores to match a child’s maturity shows trust in the child’s decisions, which reflects back as respect for the parent. After that, respectable handling of the child’s mistakes or inadequacies—instead of over-supervising in the name of perfection or parental taste—confirms trust of the parent. In the arena of dealing with a child’s determination to self-develop, respect earns trust and vice versa and both are critical to mom harmonizing the home and family.

Lack of chores stifles a child’s self-development. Boys are born to produce things. Girls are born to process life and the lives around them. In both, unfilled ambitions cause dissatisfaction that prompts undesired behavior. Old school: An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.

Made lazy by lack of obligation to earn their way in life, boys and girls slide easily into misery and fight to shake it off. Parents usually don’t know what to do but use authority. Kids quickly grasp the meaning of authority, but they resent it being used on them. They know they can do better if given a chance. It requires patience that parents often lack, which turns a child’s resentment into a fighting back spirit and behavior becomes worse for parents but satisfying for kids. Antagonisms multiply.

When children are not obligated with chores, several results spill over into their lives. Loneliness grows from the uncertainty of not earning one’s way in life and thereby affirm one’s worth. Frustration grows from the lack of ways to feel good about oneself.  Undeserving comes from lack of earned worthiness. Disruptive thoughts arise from the famine of opportunities to earn personal satisfaction among others. Self-confidence fails to form out of achievements. Uncertainty emerges about what’s coming later. Ambitious thoughts turn against family harmony. Dissatisfaction drives kids to look for play and pleasure for its own sake, and bad habits form easily as dissatisfaction grows. Video games, unproductive behavior, teen worship, and drugs gain influence and unproductive habits grow.

WADWMUFGAO, we all do what make us feel good about ourselves. Children ‘unemployed’ with chores find more playful and pleasurable ways for girls to make themselves important and boys to admire themselves. They fail to learn early that they have their own business in life, that of managing their behavior to fit compatibly among others.

OTOH, supervised respectfully and trustingly, children who satisfy themselves by fulfilling obligations recognize they deserve the respect and trust they enjoy with parents and siblings. Girls earn feelings of their importance to others; boys confirm their sense of competence. Satisfied kids add value and sense their worth to the family team, which enables mom to harmonize home and family.

Chores teach children to be satisfied with themselves. Satisfied kids don’t get depressed. They don’t spend time focused on their immaturity, past failures as determined by someone else, or fear to tackle new tasks. They feel good about trying new and challenging tasks as maturity swells and personal determination has not been curbed by poor upbringing. It’s self-development in action.

The assignment and regular performance of chores enables little ones to self-develop into mature children and aim at becoming mature adults. Experience growing up is empty without chore performance that enables children to satisfy themselves.

9 Comments

Filed under Dear daughter, marriage, nurturing, old school, The mind

2720. Depression in Children — Differences in the Sexes


I last left you with this thought. The sexes are born different. Even traits they lack at birth are different. Girls lack self-respect and boys lack self-love. Each earns what they lack as they grow up. They earn it performing very different, simple, and adult facts of life; development occurs by doing so in steps slightly beyond their level of maturity.

Those missing traits are critical to both the proper alignment of mating compatibility and depression avoidance. Without self-respect, women can’t protect themselves against male dominance. Without self-love, men can’t love a woman as she deserves and expects.

Girls learn to assist and work alongside mothers, regularly perform lightweight chores, develop hygienic habits, arrange their lives as an independent person, attire and groom to feel good, keep themselves attractive and appealing as duty to themselves. The more that independence, self-confidence, and determination stabilize in their minds, the more self-respect accumulates in their hearts. Thus, girls earn self-respect through their own initiative, effort, achievement, and self-development under the guidance mostly of mom.

The earlier the better applies here. Self-respect earned before puberty serves as the most significant trait for a gal to get her way dealing with adults of the opposite sex. It is greatest in gals who have no fear of living with confidence, determination, and perhaps brashness. Moreover, lack of fear steers them away from depression. Self-respect enables them to overcome troubles that impact decisions and problems that affect their lives; they are in charge or have reasonable evidence to think so.

The self-development of girls happens with female guidance and needs no endorsement by the opposite sex. Girls and women develop on their own, whereas males do not develop so independently. Boys and men need affirming endorsement or at least obvious acceptance by females to earn self-love.

Boys learn to work alongside their fathers, perform ever more complicated chores, and clean up out of respect for others after they have accomplished whatever they work on or however they play. As they pile up accomplishments, the beginnings of self-love accumulate in the mind.

However, a boy’s heart awaits confirmation of self-love by respect shown by one or more respected females. IOW, men can’t love themselves as person when lacking the endorsement of woman, first mom and subsequently a mate. Boys earn self-love by earning the love of someone else, which begs the question: Does he have to purposely earn and keep mom’s love to convince himself that he’s loved? Or, does mother-love prevail so obviously that he does not have to earn someone else’s love?

The answer to those questions is critical for a woman trying to select a good candidate, marry, and harmonize her home and family. If a boy purposely earned and kept his mom’s love, he likely makes a good mate. IOW, he did not expect love for nothing. If mother-love was displayed so obviously that the boy had nothing to do to get it, he likely makes a poor mate. IOW, he likely was spoiled.

Do you see the female’s dilemma? Boys and men can live without self-love, but they possess streaks of undependability they—but not their mates—can live with. If girls never earn self-respect in childhood and if their mate is short of self-love, women find life and marriage disappointing and tough to handle. It lays groundwork for depression episodes for wives.

3 Comments

Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, marriage, nurturing, old school, sex differences, The mind

2719. Depression in Children — Corrective Model


Action is the light at the end of the depression tunnel. Worthwhile determination cures a lot of emotional malaise, apprehension, and disappointment. I propose a simple model for parental upbringing that motivates kids to proactively develop themselves, and I suggest that it prevents depression throughout life.

It’s based on this assumption. We are all self-developers, and we start as toddlers. However immature kids may be and act, their determination is mature to them. Except when trying to get their way in the moment, they may not know specifically what they want. But they are determined to keep agitating with life around them until they figure out the next step needed to confirm or satisfy themselves as self-important girls or self-admired boys.

Boys and girls are born differently, have different causes of depression, but prevention is the same for both. Prevention comes from fulfilling worthy responsibilities to the primary satisfaction of the child, not just the parent or someone else. Kids are anxious and not reluctant to exploit their determination when they know who they are, what they can do, their self-interest remains focused on the present and the future, and they expect to at least get by with it.

Both sexes learn through successful self-development that they are confident, capable, and deserve recognition of their competence. At least good enough that parents don’t squawk.

Part of self-development is learning to shift from satisfying oneself to satisfying someone else simply because the boy wants to do it the way someone he admires would do it, or the girl wants to do it the way someone important to her wants something done. Being arbitrarily required to do something to please someone else that is contrary to a child’s satisfaction does two things, it shows less respect than a child expects and thereby interrupts self-development.

We adults do it this way too. Self-development teaches kids to behave within the boundaries of their self-image, the picture they have of themselves in terms of who they are and what they can do, will do, and expect to do, or at least try to do. Their self-image is fully developed at any single moment, they know who and what they are. And so, that picture self-authorizes them to act, to exercise their determination.

When someone has a favorable picture of who they are, they try not to disappoint themselves in what they do. They keep their lives focused within the picture they have of themselves. If they have a poor picture, it keeps them disappointed in themselves, uncertainty and angst settle in, and they lean toward or enter depression.

Children try to develop themselves to their own satisfaction. They know what they want, soon learn something better exists, and many of their wants turn to needs. Kids modify their behavior to move toward new wants and needs. It’s the same process by which we adults live our lives.

The cause of childhood depression is thus rooted in the subculture of parental interference with the self-development of children in the years before puberty.

Next. The sexes are born different. Even traits they lack at birth are different. Girls lack self-respect but have special attractions by which they can earn it associating with boys and men. Boys lack self-love and depend on self-admiration to earn it and female love to endorse it and keep it functional.

Leave a comment

Filed under Dear daughter, Her glory, marriage, nurturing, sex differences, The mind

2718. Depression in Children — Causes


I quote from my local paper, and it inspired my article today. The quote originated in The Washington Post as, “More than one-third of teen girls experience depression, study says,” and attributed to Ariana Eunjung Cha. Almost three times as many girls as boys are involved.

“The idea that children can be depressed is something that has only been recently accepted by psychologists. As recently as the 1980s, adolescents were considered too developmentally immature to be able to experience such a grown-up affliction. Today most scientists recognize that children as young as 4 or 5 years of age can be depressed.”

——

I lack the specific educational credentials to venture deep into childhood depression. However, this is obvious. The now-popular, well-intended, but depression-causing self-esteem movement in schools, homes, and churches ignorantly produces the opposite of healthy and under depressed kids. It goes contrary to the inborn natures of both sexes and shows educational authorities to be unknowing. They move society in the wrong direction, or we wouldn’t have a depression epidemic. Consequently, I write about the motivational effects of raising kids to avoid depression.

Boys and girls are born different. Different parents have different methods. News stories often describe the criminal results of inferior upbringing. Politically dominated bureaucrats seek to discredit parental authority. Teachers are trained to believe they know better than parents, and so adults disagree about what’s going on and who should do what to fix it. Combining those inputs, both the cause and solution of childhood depression came to mind several years ago. Experience since then confirms it.

Part II describes simple solutions. The causes lie with adults who misunderstand a child’s inborn motivation for self-development. Both parents and teachers interfere rather than encourage, assist, and promote. They all do so from their own poor upbringing, lack of knowledge, and acceptance of popular notions. It takes adults to screw up kids.

Both sexes are born to get their way with self and others. Life is a process, and determination to get one’s way is paramount in childhood too. Kids pass puberty convinced of their ability to determine events in their life, or they pass with less. Those who have less are the most vulnerable to depression. The question becomes, how do some children retain their determination to govern their lives, while some don’t?

The answer lies in fulfilling responsibilities, achievements in their own eyes, getting to produce and judge the results, and perfecting their own style and technique as they learn more, and as they progress through the years before puberty.

Children are little adults in many ways. They develop themselves just as we adults continue it throughout life. By adult expectations, they may not know what they are doing, but immaturity is no roadblock to them. More importantly, they have a mature level of determination to achieve what they want out of their present or future situation. To them, it justifies what they are doing — however wrong in the eyes of others. As the result of using determination to get what they want, it upgrades their self-confidence, self-worth, self-image, and self-interest. All of which confirms both their self-determination and the self-esteem hardwired in their brains in utero and infancy.

Destroy or even weaken that determination to pursue self-interest as they see it, and the foundation of depression is laid. Much like adults throughout life, they are self-motivated to pursue and protect their self-interest—perhaps undeveloped but theirs nevertheless.

By using authoritarian methods to correct children, parents weaken the child’s determination that they are in the right, which forces them to redefine their self-interest, which weakens self-motivation, which weakens their initiative, which weakens their energy to act, and which forces them to find satisfaction with themselves by doing little or nothing. The foundation for depression hardens quickly under those pressures.

Lacking energy to achieve little encourages kids to think about what they want but can’t have or produce, which focuses thoughts on regrets and the past, which downgrades present thoughts about doing something they want or need, which neutralizes self-motivation, which leads to doing little or nothing, which brings on the doldrums of thoughts rather than the actions of doing something, which focuses them on wanting emotional relief, which introduces them to figuring that something outside home and family may relieve their anxieties, which makes them susceptible to others who may lead them into drugs.

In god-awful, dumb, and misguided attempts that lay groundwork for future depression, parents and teachers manage child development at the individual level. They don’t assign responsibility, or they usurp individual development. The don’t discipline the least possible—by child’s measure—to get their messages across. They aim at developing a great child instead of a good adult.

They do a child’s school work, impose no grading, see that each child passes, and provide awards for participation. Doing so denies children the ability to both achieve and judge their results. Every child must be alike, which is contrary to the individual spirit developing in each child.

A child loses faith in his ability to self-develop because parents and teachers try harder and impose more of the wrong things, and then behavior problems begin. To accomplish anything of worth to the child is better for self-development than doing nothing. It’s also a good habit to brighten teen and later years. Contrary to adult-think, unearned gifts and making life easy do not improve self-esteem. Furthermore, it weakens self-confidence, -image, -worth, -interest, and -determination.

Robbed of personal responsibility, children lose opportunities for girls to earn and confirm self-importance and boys to earn and confirm self-admiration. Lack of responsibility teaches girls they can’t figure out how important they are compared to others, which weakens their self-love, prevents earning self-respect, and leads directly to depression. No responsibility teaches boys that what they do is less than admirable; it leaves them too without a work ethic.

A child who does little or nothing growing up will sooner or later be plagued by depression. Responsible actions throughout childhood breed a determined form of self-satisfaction, and it builds a foundation against depressive pressures.

1 Comment

Filed under Dear daughter, marriage, nurturing, sex differences, Sociology 101