Category Archives: nurturing

2721. Depression in Children — Responsibility


If this principle were more universally applied in society, much depression would not occur. Neither would psychologists just now be discovering that depression exists in four-five year old kids:

  • Childhood responsibility prevents depression then and later.

Childhood responsibility is duty in which a self-developing child feels obligated, comfortable, and without fear. From toddler to puberty, chores are most effective if they match up and grow with the child’s developing maturity.

Parental influence begins early. When the conscious mind opens in the third year of life, kids become aware they too are a person and capable of doing things. Shortly thereafter they become aware they are boy or girl. They come to expect the respect they see others receive. Soon they see that girls and boys are respected and treated differently. Accepting it as normal, they become interested in doing things and open up to whatever comes as different lessons in life.

Parental habits and kids’ subconscious minds synchronize easily and soon hardwire this into the mind of toddlers. Respect and trust are reciprocals. A parent who assigns responsibility for chores to match a child’s maturity shows trust in the child’s decisions, which reflects back as respect for the parent. After that, respectable handling of the child’s mistakes or inadequacies—instead of over-supervising in the name of perfection or parental taste—confirms trust of the parent. In the arena of dealing with a child’s determination to self-develop, respect earns trust and vice versa and both are critical to mom harmonizing the home and family.

Lack of chores stifles a child’s self-development. Boys are born to produce things. Girls are born to process life and the lives around them. In both, unfilled ambitions cause dissatisfaction that prompts undesired behavior. Old school: An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.

Made lazy by lack of obligation to earn their way in life, boys and girls slide easily into misery and fight to shake it off. Parents usually don’t know what to do but use authority. Kids quickly grasp the meaning of authority, but they resent it being used on them. They know they can do better if given a chance. It requires patience that parents often lack, which turns a child’s resentment into a fighting back spirit and behavior becomes worse for parents but satisfying for kids. Antagonisms multiply.

When children are not obligated with chores, several results spill over into their lives. Loneliness grows from the uncertainty of not earning one’s way in life and thereby affirm one’s worth. Frustration grows from the lack of ways to feel good about oneself.  Undeserving comes from lack of earned worthiness. Disruptive thoughts arise from the famine of opportunities to earn personal satisfaction among others. Self-confidence fails to form out of achievements. Uncertainty emerges about what’s coming later. Ambitious thoughts turn against family harmony. Dissatisfaction drives kids to look for play and pleasure for its own sake, and bad habits form easily as dissatisfaction grows. Video games, unproductive behavior, teen worship, and drugs gain influence and unproductive habits grow.

WADWMUFGAO, we all do what make us feel good about ourselves. Children ‘unemployed’ with chores find more playful and pleasurable ways for girls to make themselves important and boys to admire themselves. They fail to learn early that they have their own business in life, that of managing their behavior to fit compatibly among others.

OTOH, supervised respectfully and trustingly, children who satisfy themselves by fulfilling obligations recognize they deserve the respect and trust they enjoy with parents and siblings. Girls earn feelings of their importance to others; boys confirm their sense of competence. Satisfied kids add value and sense their worth to the family team, which enables mom to harmonize home and family.

Chores teach children to be satisfied with themselves. Satisfied kids don’t get depressed. They don’t spend time focused on their immaturity, past failures as determined by someone else, or fear to tackle new tasks. They feel good about trying new and challenging tasks as maturity swells and personal determination has not been curbed by poor upbringing. It’s self-development in action.

The assignment and regular performance of chores enables little ones to self-develop into mature children and aim at becoming mature adults. Experience growing up is empty without chore performance that enables children to satisfy themselves.

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2720. Depression in Children — Differences in the Sexes


I last left you with this thought. The sexes are born different. Even traits they lack at birth are different. Girls lack self-respect and boys lack self-love. Each earns what they lack as they grow up. They earn it performing very different, simple, and adult facts of life; development occurs by doing so in steps slightly beyond their level of maturity.

Those missing traits are critical to both the proper alignment of mating compatibility and depression avoidance. Without self-respect, women can’t protect themselves against male dominance. Without self-love, men can’t love a woman as she deserves and expects.

Girls learn to assist and work alongside mothers, regularly perform lightweight chores, develop hygienic habits, arrange their lives as an independent person, attire and groom to feel good, keep themselves attractive and appealing as duty to themselves. The more that independence, self-confidence, and determination stabilize in their minds, the more self-respect accumulates in their hearts. Thus, girls earn self-respect through their own initiative, effort, achievement, and self-development under the guidance mostly of mom.

The earlier the better applies here. Self-respect earned before puberty serves as the most significant trait for a gal to get her way dealing with adults of the opposite sex. It is greatest in gals who have no fear of living with confidence, determination, and perhaps brashness. Moreover, lack of fear steers them away from depression. Self-respect enables them to overcome troubles that impact decisions and problems that affect their lives; they are in charge or have reasonable evidence to think so.

The self-development of girls happens with female guidance and needs no endorsement by the opposite sex. Girls and women develop on their own, whereas males do not develop so independently. Boys and men need affirming endorsement or at least obvious acceptance by females to earn self-love.

Boys learn to work alongside their fathers, perform ever more complicated chores, and clean up out of respect for others after they have accomplished whatever they work on or however they play. As they pile up accomplishments, the beginnings of self-love accumulate in the mind.

However, a boy’s heart awaits confirmation of self-love by respect shown by one or more respected females. IOW, men can’t love themselves as person when lacking the endorsement of woman, first mom and subsequently a mate. Boys earn self-love by earning the love of someone else, which begs the question: Does he have to purposely earn and keep mom’s love to convince himself that he’s loved? Or, does mother-love prevail so obviously that he does not have to earn someone else’s love?

The answer to those questions is critical for a woman trying to select a good candidate, marry, and harmonize her home and family. If a boy purposely earned and kept his mom’s love, he likely makes a good mate. IOW, he did not expect love for nothing. If mother-love was displayed so obviously that the boy had nothing to do to get it, he likely makes a poor mate. IOW, he likely was spoiled.

Do you see the female’s dilemma? Boys and men can live without self-love, but they possess streaks of undependability they—but not their mates—can live with. If girls never earn self-respect in childhood and if their mate is short of self-love, women find life and marriage disappointing and tough to handle. It lays groundwork for depression episodes for wives.

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2719. Depression in Children — Corrective Model


Action is the light at the end of the depression tunnel. Worthwhile determination cures a lot of emotional malaise, apprehension, and disappointment. I propose a simple model for parental upbringing that motivates kids to proactively develop themselves, and I suggest that it prevents depression throughout life.

It’s based on this assumption. We are all self-developers, and we start as toddlers. However immature kids may be and act, their determination is mature to them. Except when trying to get their way in the moment, they may not know specifically what they want. But they are determined to keep agitating with life around them until they figure out the next step needed to confirm or satisfy themselves as self-important girls or self-admired boys.

Boys and girls are born differently, have different causes of depression, but prevention is the same for both. Prevention comes from fulfilling worthy responsibilities to the primary satisfaction of the child, not just the parent or someone else. Kids are anxious and not reluctant to exploit their determination when they know who they are, what they can do, their self-interest remains focused on the present and the future, and they expect to at least get by with it.

Both sexes learn through successful self-development that they are confident, capable, and deserve recognition of their competence. At least good enough that parents don’t squawk.

Part of self-development is learning to shift from satisfying oneself to satisfying someone else simply because the boy wants to do it the way someone he admires would do it, or the girl wants to do it the way someone important to her wants something done. Being arbitrarily required to do something to please someone else that is contrary to a child’s satisfaction does two things, it shows less respect than a child expects and thereby interrupts self-development.

We adults do it this way too. Self-development teaches kids to behave within the boundaries of their self-image, the picture they have of themselves in terms of who they are and what they can do, will do, and expect to do, or at least try to do. Their self-image is fully developed at any single moment, they know who and what they are. And so, that picture self-authorizes them to act, to exercise their determination.

When someone has a favorable picture of who they are, they try not to disappoint themselves in what they do. They keep their lives focused within the picture they have of themselves. If they have a poor picture, it keeps them disappointed in themselves, uncertainty and angst settle in, and they lean toward or enter depression.

Children try to develop themselves to their own satisfaction. They know what they want, soon learn something better exists, and many of their wants turn to needs. Kids modify their behavior to move toward new wants and needs. It’s the same process by which we adults live our lives.

The cause of childhood depression is thus rooted in the subculture of parental interference with the self-development of children in the years before puberty.

Next. The sexes are born different. Even traits they lack at birth are different. Girls lack self-respect but have special attractions by which they can earn it associating with boys and men. Boys lack self-love and depend on self-admiration to earn it and female love to endorse it and keep it functional.

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2718. Depression in Children — Causes


I quote from my local paper, and it inspired my article today. The quote originated in The Washington Post as, “More than one-third of teen girls experience depression, study says,” and attributed to Ariana Eunjung Cha. Almost three times as many girls as boys are involved.

“The idea that children can be depressed is something that has only been recently accepted by psychologists. As recently as the 1980s, adolescents were considered too developmentally immature to be able to experience such a grown-up affliction. Today most scientists recognize that children as young as 4 or 5 years of age can be depressed.”

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I lack the specific educational credentials to venture deep into childhood depression. However, this is obvious. The now-popular, well-intended, but depression-causing self-esteem movement in schools, homes, and churches ignorantly produces the opposite of healthy and under depressed kids. It goes contrary to the inborn natures of both sexes and shows educational authorities to be unknowing. They move society in the wrong direction, or we wouldn’t have a depression epidemic. Consequently, I write about the motivational effects of raising kids to avoid depression.

Boys and girls are born different. Different parents have different methods. News stories often describe the criminal results of inferior upbringing. Politically dominated bureaucrats seek to discredit parental authority. Teachers are trained to believe they know better than parents, and so adults disagree about what’s going on and who should do what to fix it. Combining those inputs, both the cause and solution of childhood depression came to mind several years ago. Experience since then confirms it.

Part II describes simple solutions. The causes lie with adults who misunderstand a child’s inborn motivation for self-development. Both parents and teachers interfere rather than encourage, assist, and promote. They all do so from their own poor upbringing, lack of knowledge, and acceptance of popular notions. It takes adults to screw up kids.

Both sexes are born to get their way with self and others. Life is a process, and determination to get one’s way is paramount in childhood too. Kids pass puberty convinced of their ability to determine events in their life, or they pass with less. Those who have less are the most vulnerable to depression. The question becomes, how do some children retain their determination to govern their lives, while some don’t?

The answer lies in fulfilling responsibilities, achievements in their own eyes, getting to produce and judge the results, and perfecting their own style and technique as they learn more, and as they progress through the years before puberty.

Children are little adults in many ways. They develop themselves just as we adults continue it throughout life. By adult expectations, they may not know what they are doing, but immaturity is no roadblock to them. More importantly, they have a mature level of determination to achieve what they want out of their present or future situation. To them, it justifies what they are doing — however wrong in the eyes of others. As the result of using determination to get what they want, it upgrades their self-confidence, self-worth, self-image, and self-interest. All of which confirms both their self-determination and the self-esteem hardwired in their brains in utero and infancy.

Destroy or even weaken that determination to pursue self-interest as they see it, and the foundation of depression is laid. Much like adults throughout life, they are self-motivated to pursue and protect their self-interest—perhaps undeveloped but theirs nevertheless.

By using authoritarian methods to correct children, parents weaken the child’s determination that they are in the right, which forces them to redefine their self-interest, which weakens self-motivation, which weakens their initiative, which weakens their energy to act, and which forces them to find satisfaction with themselves by doing little or nothing. The foundation for depression hardens quickly under those pressures.

Lacking energy to achieve little encourages kids to think about what they want but can’t have or produce, which focuses thoughts on regrets and the past, which downgrades present thoughts about doing something they want or need, which neutralizes self-motivation, which leads to doing little or nothing, which brings on the doldrums of thoughts rather than the actions of doing something, which focuses them on wanting emotional relief, which introduces them to figuring that something outside home and family may relieve their anxieties, which makes them susceptible to others who may lead them into drugs.

In god-awful, dumb, and misguided attempts that lay groundwork for future depression, parents and teachers manage child development at the individual level. They don’t assign responsibility, or they usurp individual development. The don’t discipline the least possible—by child’s measure—to get their messages across. They aim at developing a great child instead of a good adult.

They do a child’s school work, impose no grading, see that each child passes, and provide awards for participation. Doing so denies children the ability to both achieve and judge their results. Every child must be alike, which is contrary to the individual spirit developing in each child.

A child loses faith in his ability to self-develop because parents and teachers try harder and impose more of the wrong things, and then behavior problems begin. To accomplish anything of worth to the child is better for self-development than doing nothing. It’s also a good habit to brighten teen and later years. Contrary to adult-think, unearned gifts and making life easy do not improve self-esteem. Furthermore, it weakens self-confidence, -image, -worth, -interest, and -determination.

Robbed of personal responsibility, children lose opportunities for girls to earn and confirm self-importance and boys to earn and confirm self-admiration. Lack of responsibility teaches girls they can’t figure out how important they are compared to others, which weakens their self-love, prevents earning self-respect, and leads directly to depression. No responsibility teaches boys that what they do is less than admirable; it leaves them too without a work ethic.

A child who does little or nothing growing up will sooner or later be plagued by depression. Responsible actions throughout childhood breed a determined form of self-satisfaction, and it builds a foundation against depressive pressures.

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2681. Love is Never Enough — VI: Women Love Two Ways (Didn’t ya’ know?)


Female love has some unexpected and unused characteristics. It can mislead women on how to deal with those they love. There is love, which is one directional that pleases the one expressing her love, but it doesn’t bring the feedback that she craves. Then there is sincere love, which is two directional; she includes more than her attention, affection, and appreciation. She expects rewarding feedback, but she has to work extra to get it

Females have at least five reasons for expressing their love of another. 1) They want something. 2) It makes them feel good about themselves. 3) It’s the right thing to do. 4) They want to unload their emotions. 5) They want to be important to the loved one, to trigger the thought that the loved one sees the loving one as important to him or her.

The first four satisfy the loving one, who presumes or hopes that 5) will also be a result. But that two directional exchange of thoughts or words happens only with sincere love.

When women give love for nothing extra for themselves, specifically 1) through 4) above, they cripple their own self-interest.

Love becomes sincere love when gratitude for the loved one is included in a woman’s expressions of love. The loving one seeks to hear it, but she can’t just say in the course of expressing her love that “I am important to you.”

When, however, she shows or expresses the gratefulness she finds in the one being loved, the latter sees the former as important in his or her life. Who else in the loved one’s life finds gratitude in her or him?

It makes gratitude more important than love itself. Love is the vehicle, gratitude is the cargo.

So, gratitude does what love alone can’t do to a relationship. Now, I know you ladies will probably claim that your love always includes your gratefulness. If it did, those you love would never question, seldom disagree, or ignore your attempts to shower them with loving attention and affection. Mere expressions of  love are nowhere near as complimentary as specific gratitude you can disclose about things the loved one seldom figures is noticed by anyone else including, perhaps, themselves.

In the normal course of relating as couple, her love is unearned. He’s done nothing and men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. If she shows gratitude for who he is or what he does, then he has earned it and she makes herself more valuable to have nearby. Her gift of gratefulness usually agrees with or exceeds his own assessment of his self-worth. Nice that she sees it that way too.

In the normal course of relating as female friends, her love is deserved. But each female has a deeper ambition, to be important to the other. It doesn’t come from routine attention and affections. It comes from the gratefulness that one expresses for the other. They extend mutual gratitude and receive mutual confirmation of their respective self-importance. It holds friends together.

So, in the normal course of relating, you gals should find and express gratitude wherever and however you can, and you will be more important to female friends, more worthy of continuing attention from a man, and you will also appear much more sincere to both.

Remember this? “Men are never more handsome than…” as a way to express a woman’s gratitude for minor pleasantries, chivalries, and gallantries. It buffs and shines his self-admiration, the motivation behind most of a man’s accomplishments.

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2666. Women’s Happiness Is a Daily Process


Here’s another view of how women succeed or don’t succeed in life. If you recall, post 806 describes the pathway to female happiness, and this is part of how it works.

Life is a process and the female nature is designed to enable each woman to capitalize on it. Her inborn motivational forces push her around inside a model that looks remarkably like this.

She’s born with self-love, knows that she’s pretty, and has an endless urge to get her way associating with others. Sprouting out of self-love is self-gratitude for being alive with so much to give away or share with others, to be good by doing good, to get her way over matters for which she feels responsible. Note that self-gratitude stirs her to action more than desire to love. Who wants to love someone or something, if one can’t first be grateful for how they fit into one’s life? (It’s why she’s not likely to love a man who constantly irritates or criticizes her; she can’t be grateful for herself when she’s uncomfortable with him.)

Unless ruined by nincompoops in childhood, self-love and prettiness are permanent. Both bless her with self-gratitude that is, however, not permanent but subject to the surprises and moods of life. If her self-gratitude is weakened, she can’t give what she does not possess. And so, her relationship effectiveness also weakens.

When she is grateful for herself, 1) she gets her way by showing gratitude for others, 2) thereby appears important to them, 3) which confirms her primal motivational objective to reap self-importance, 4) which enlarges her self-gratitude, and 5) which gives her more of her “grateful charm” to spread around.

The more gratitude she spreads around, the more good that she does, and the better person she becomes. God designed her to become a better person, or doing so would not be pursued and so highly valued among women.

Consequently, the essence of female happiness is her gratitude, and the root is the daily “happys” that she earns. Doing her best eliminates self-doubt and -criticism.

Remember, that’s the design that women inherit at birth. If not followed somewhat along those lines, her relationships deteriorate. Looking at the behavior of modern women, my diagnosis is that they severely lack self-gratitude and thus hamstring themselves from an enjoyable life doing what women do so well (and men don’t do at all).

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P.S. If she focuses on spreading her gratefulness, love will take care of itself. How do I know? A woman’s love doesn’t bond a man; he doesn’t think he deserves it. However, her gratitude comes across that he has value, may be admired, and suggests he’s good enough that she can depend on him. Those conditions are more satisfying than even her love.

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2621. Love is Never Enough — I


Wives live to give and receive love. Husbands live to satisfy themselves as doers, achievers, producers, and—hopefully but not always—as good marriage partners.

After marriage, she expects to be happy with the love she can provide and exchange, as she plans, executes, and shapes their marital home and life.  However, he expects to be satisfied living with her in that life together. What she provides and what he expects make a huge difference and it lasts throughout their marriage.

Those different objectives make them compatible and interruptions don’t have to separate them. However, from day one each depends on something different from the other. It’s the most critical challenge of their marriage, to keep him satisfied with her so that he remains satisfied with himself.

His major challenge is to produce, provide, protect, and solve her problems. If he slips or fails to do so, she senses that she should stimulate him to do better. The smarter and wiser wives encourage their man to get moving and do better. They manage to do it without disturbing but enabling him to find new satisfactions within himself.

Contrary to woman-think, a man doesn’t enter marriage for her love except as he sees it capable of shaping their togetherness in ways that satisfy him. Woman-think says that by combining a man and woman’s love, all things are possible. Man-think says that marriage is for women except when they can provide husbands with a satisfying existence living together. Her love of him motivates her but not him. Her likeability and apparent loyalty primarily motivate him to find her satisfying for his life.

Women ask, what about his responsibility to make my life satisfying to me? He has none, and smart wives don’t want it anyway. Two reasons: 1) Striving for personal satisfaction does not appeal to women; too much else is more important. 2) If husband is burdened to satisfy wife, he will take charge of her and marriage and run the show his way. No wife in her right mind desires that.

Men measure personal success by the satisfaction they find within themselves. Satisfaction that arises out of first figuring or planning what to do and then accomplishing what they likely will or intend to achieve. Consequently, husbands expect success in marriage from what they identify as their responsibility and expected achievements, but they measure success by personal satisfaction.

They fully expect to do their part as they identify it, and whether wife helps or not. In either event, a husband expects to find satisfaction with his wife, satisfaction living with her, and the resulting satisfaction that can be credited to marriage. If any satisfaction with wife is missing, satisfaction with himself tends to vaporize and marriage takes on the aura of an original mistake. A man has a strong tendency to recover from self-induced mistakes, his wife’s objections to the contrary notwithstanding.

Marital success to a husband relies not on wife’s love for him, but predominantly on how her love motivates her to love living and caring for his castle and life. That is, she loves to fabricate, arrange, and manage all the things that bring them together, and which boil down to his satisfaction with her and their living together. He appreciates her indirectly and finds marital success from all the pleasant harmony she brings into their life together.

Her love of him is never enough. For marital success, she has to love marriage, family, togetherness, relationships, duties, arranging, managing, uplifting, encouraging, mothering, children, inspiring, teaching, admiring, and stimulating all the events and circumstances that a couple faces. In short, she loves running their show more than she shows or needs his proactive displays of his love of her. She needs confirmations of her importance, but she learns to get a lot elsewhere than from husband.

The wife’s burden in a successful marriage is to shape and harmonize their lives together, which requires that she loves doing it even more than she loves him. That is the ultimate in a lasting marriage. They morph as individuals into a closed-circuit togetherness from three female motivations. 1) She learns to forgive and live with his faults. 2) She finally visualizes him as Mr. Right. 3) What she creates as ‘us’ and generates as harmony personified is more important in her heart than love of her husband.

That’s right, success in marriage means she ends up loving him less than their harmonized togetherness; it’s part of what makes lifelong marriage work. She was born to generate a wifely ‘empire’ in which to perfectly raise children, and her man was an essential ingredient to get her started and help out all along and for so many years. That’s why love is never enough.

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