Category Archives: The mind

2783. Warriors Rape! Why?


Her Highness Beloved inspired this post as follow on to 2782 – Can He Do As He Pleases With Her?

She asks, “I was wondering how so many men who would never dream of raping in their hometowns could become such animals when in a war situation.”

I’m not sure this assumption is correct. “…men who would never dream of raping in their hometowns…” I think many dream of it, and it highlights what follows.

Imagine that we’re talking about a 30-year old adult male who was born just now. Hasn’t lived a day in this world. He’s as innocent as an infant. What does his psyche look like with regard to rape?

He’s born lacking in self-love that women inherit in huge amounts. So, he’s not able to love someone who hasn’t earned his respect. Women live by love, men live by respect.

Men are born full of self-respect, which enables them to respect others who earn it. If not earned, he’s free to treat them for his best advantage. In the male psyche, it translates into his not having to live up to anyone else in order to keep himself satisfied with himself. He needs no supreme being or code of conduct to guide his behavior with others. To the newborn adult imagined above, religion, morality, and love are foreign to his thinking—until and unless taught otherwise as his future unfolds in childhood.

With little or no interest in living up to someone else or something bigger than himself, a conscience isn’t present. It doesn’t develop until and unless he’s taught to be guided by high levels of right and wrong and domestic and social standards in childhood. IOW, he becomes pressured to respect and live up to the expectations of those around him, where his respect of others is fashioned around the discipline of authority figures.

At birth, men inherit their unique, strongest, and lifelong motivational force. They are energized to spread their seed. However, each man lacks the internal guidance to do other than get what he wants, follow his will, live in the present.

As described above, the male psyche is not wired against rape, which is an extension of getting his way in the process of spreading seed. Women, given the power to do so, make rape subject to female-friendly values, social standards, and legal discipline, which men learn as toddlers and beyond.

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Let’s switch the scene from birth to childhood life and imagine a scale to measure effectiveness of parental teaching that indirectly discourages the urge to rape. No longer an infant, children are exposed to religious values, morality, conscience development, respect for opposite sex, and respect of self-discipline. Imagine this scale to ID potential rapists: 10 = children taught the highest quality on those five criteria. 5 = children taught some but not close to high quality about those five criteria. 0 = children largely ignored about teaching those five criteria.

Tens don’t rape. Fives think of it at home but don’t rape until in war. Zeros rape in their hometown. The male nature says rape is okay; females teach them not. Mothers civilize boys, girls tame boys with lures about marriage, bachelorettes lure men into marriage, and wives domesticate men to help her live in the future. Done well by most females, rape becomes a minimalized problem.

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2781. ‘Midlife Crisis’


We commonly use midlife crisis to refer to the unexplainable behavior of men as they pass through their fifties. They transit a phase of acting different, out of character to their spouses. As Gail Sheehy reports in her 1976 book, Passages, both sexes go through a series of passages throughout life. Entangled together for our purpose here, middle age and midlife passages generally run in that order from ages 40 to 60 for non-executive and 50 to 70 for executive-type men. During short periods within those spans, a man reassesses and reconfigures his life, sometimes against his best interest in the eyes of his spouse.

Her Highness Yellowblue asks me to share what I can to help deal with her husband. So, I offer these thoughts.

He questions:

  • The self-admiration he gets from accomplishing what he works on routinely.
  • His work life as less enjoyable; wonders how he got there and why he’s trapped in it.
  • Whether past effort justifies his significance in life.

He seeks to:

  • Give up the past, live a good life now and not 15 years from now.
  • Let his feelings come out as more carefree and subject to change.
  • Dissolve the success model of his past, restore some adolescent habits, and live in the ‘right now’

He’s ready to:

  • Revise his life to make it more enjoyable with less effort; become more efficient living a good life.
  • Enjoy more independence from others, welcome different attachments.
  • Move his thinking from us-ness and more toward me-ness.

He:

  • Reviews his thoughts about aging and imminent death.
  • Displaces his inner contradictions from dependence on spouse (and does it faster than she can adjust).
  • Finds more contrast than likeness with parents, spouses, and children and tends to reevaluate his life more independently in those relationships.

No two guys are alike, timing is unpredictable, and spousal reaction can become terrifying. It’s just another routine midlife crisis for his spouse to deal with.

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2772. Pursue Sex for Pleasure?


Having sex pleasures us and it’s natural. There is also the pursuit of sex for pleasure but it melts responsibility. While still natural, WADWMUFGAO,* it is abnormal and contrary to the good order and discipline of society, much like illegal drugs.

One can’t pursue sex for pleasure except by looking for more—whatever one senses, it’s never enough to stop the habit of pursuit. Extreme methods of stimulation are used even before addiction develops, which in itself weakens one’s sense of responsibility by focusing one’s mind more on self rather than others.

Inside marriage, if either mate pursues it intensely, they eventually find partner to be short of satisfying their ever-growing hunger for more pleasure. And so, they take their pursuit outside the home and marital responsibility melts down.

Among singles, responsibility to not endanger one’s partner—e.g., choking, STDs—melts down as ever-growing hunger develops for more pleasure.

Sex is a constant motivator of the male but not the female nature. When pursuit of sex for pleasure overwhelms the desire for it, people act as if addicted whether so or not. The process of living that way melts responsibility they have for or to others. Perhaps not melted completely, but enough that others are left with unwanted burdens and consequences.

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*We all do what makes us feel good about ourselves.

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2762. She Calls It Cherished — II


he subject of intimacy is hereby delayed another day or two.

Giving birth is the ultimate accomplishment and each child is a gift, but a woman’s life is primarily devoted to finding, loving, and being cherished by a man. She makes herself important by making herself important to others. If she finds herself cherished, she’s living to the best of her ability.

If cherished, she fulfills the life of a female. She expects her love to be reflected back at her with the same or greater dedication. Her love duplicated can’t be improved. If reflected back at her it’s the ultimate gift and most significant measure of her importance in life.

A man’s love is different. It arises out of his devotion, her loyalty, and their mutual likeability, all of which improve in her view when she is cherished.

To cherish a woman, a man sees that she’s uniquely and highly satisfying as his mate. He sees her appearance as uniquely appealing, perceives her as a virtuous female, senses she’s dependent on his endeavors in life, considers her ideal as his live-in mate, and helps keep him satisfied that he could not have chosen a finer woman.

Just as a man doesn’t know what ‘cherished’ means to a woman, she lacks foresight of what he expects to cherish her. Women can promote themselves toward being cherished with skillful use of their relationship expertise that helps fulfill husbandly expectations:

  • He finds her uniquely and highly satisfying as his mate. So, she lives up to someone or something bigger than herself and it works to keep her calm and steadfast; e.g., she smiles a lot, almost never complains, and lets him discover his mistakes and expose his unattractive behaviors with little more than a glance of disapproval from her.
  • He sees her appearance as uniquely appealing. So, she dresses upscale mainstream attractive but not radical; e.g., she stresses feminine mystique, female modesty, and monogamous spirit in ways that make her more appealing than other women.
  • He perceives her as a virtuous female. So, of her qualities that he admires, she reinforces their use or exposure and dresses to please his taste more than hers; e.g., he frequently compliments her attire.
  • He senses she’s dependent on his endeavors in life. So, she adjusts her cooperative spirit to keep him satisfied with who she is and what she does; e.g., if he likes punctual, she’s punctual.
  • He considers her ideal as his live-in mate. So, she manages the home in ways that keep him satisfied with their living together; e.g., he watches a lot of football, and she doesn’t interrupt when his favorite team plays.
  • She helps keep him satisfied that he could not have chosen a finer woman. So, she’s a model of quiet dignity during annoying, frustrating, and even exasperating moments, especially those that involve him; e.g., her decorum and attitude have the effect of calming him.

Women have many talents, skills, and techniques to embellish delivery of their love in both a relationship and home. By doing so, provided it’s the kind of loving attention that compliments her man, she improves the relationship atmosphere that fosters her being cherished. But that’s not all. She has one other input to her being cherished, and that’s the subject for tomorrow: intimacy.

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2760. Childhood Chores Produce Men Who Love Best


Background

Men are reasonably simple to describe until it comes to loving someone—including themselves. At birth boys lack two vital ingredients essential for their hearts to develop and later distribute as love of others. 1) Unlike girls, boys are born with no sense of self-love. They can’t give what they don’t have. 2) They are born with a sense of responsibility, however, but only to themselves; others are left out of that genetic predisposition.

Men are born to love and be responsible only for what they want to do, and it doesn’t include other people or even themselves to love. Lessons learned later in life program their hearts much too easily with disdain for self-love, love of others, and female friendly ways. Even hate is possible. Those lessons, whatever the outcome, mostly arrive under the sponsorship of parents.

Men learn to love others indirectly. First, they learn to love themselves, and second they expand their sense of responsibility to include others than just themselves. Again, it happens in childhood or not likely at all.

Women are born to love others including themselves. Mating couples can’t succeed very well, however, unless women program the masculine heart with lovable and loving kindness that moves manly interest toward female-friendly interests and conditions. IOW, men become what Womanhood—to the extent that women act alike—expects them to become.

Men don’t love women and kids unless mothers civilize boys about life in the domestic arena; teen girls tame boys to get their way and make boys learn to appreciate female life in the social arena; bachelorettes smooth out the ruffled feathers of masculinity; and wives complete their man’s self-development to promote and harmonize family friendliness.

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Solution

A man’s ability to love others arises from a two-step process. 1) His potential to love future wife and kids arises during self-development in his growing-up years. His latent ability develops from actions that program him with loveable, peaceable, and harmonizing thoughts and loyalty that overwrite any disinterest and hate for self and others. 2) His love becomes fulfilled with later experience investing himself in the care and lives of those he loves. His actions program his heart, and the greater his investment of self, the greater his sense of duty to provide, protect, etc.

Men see the love of someone else as a duty, and men do their duty to satisfy themselves. By self-development and expanding his sense of responsibility to include others, duty becomes routine and his love becomes more evident.

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Left to themselves, boys self-develop strictly loyal to self. OTOH, they develop with broader interest in other people when they learn who they are, what they do, and what roles they fill in life in the process of peaceably handling daily chores. Consequently, the fewer and less challenging the chores, the more loyal boys remain to self and less potential they develop for loving and being responsible for others.

The daily expression of fulfilling responsibility for chores programs their hearts. They may never learn to love the chores. However, they learn to like themselves for pleasing someone else, mostly mom, and displaying their ability. That is both personal growth and self-development. They become more unique as new chores challenge their maturity and they incorporate chores into their self-developmental habits. It all works as God designed us: Actions program the heart during the decade between toddler and puberty.

After a decade of chores, boys are programmed with both reason to love self and acceptance that their sense of duty includes other people and things in life. IOW, boys develop habits of externalizing rather than internalizing their thoughts, efforts, and satisfactions, which programs their hearts for sharing love more easily by accepting responsibility for others.

Parents and mostly mothers have one solution to overcome developmental obstructions. It is the continual assignment and peaceful supervision of chores. Over a decade, that process turns out mature adults capable of personal devotion and loyalty to others, and it flourishes particularly for parents who lead by example and suppress disturbance with love rather than turmoil. Thus, the childhood habit of loyalty to one’s chores emerges in adulthood as loyalty to those for whom one is responsible.

In the final analysis, boys are born lacking self-love and with his sense of responsibility focused directly on himself alone. Girls are born lacking in self-respect. Work in the form of chores develops both a boy’s self-love and expands his sense of responsibility to include others. Chores between toddler and puberty breeds self-respect in girls.

After his conscious mind opens in his third year, with good parenting, boys learn both self-love and to expand his sense of duty to include others by self-consciously performing chores that are not demeaning but which uplift him through achievements. Success performing chores slightly more mature than he is at the time program his heart with both self-love and ability to be responsible to and for others. Out of the process of performing endless boyhood chores imposed peaceably by motherly values, standards, and expectations inculcated into his still-developing character, a boy begins teen life with a heart full of mature man-think by the time puberty has passed.

 

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2759. Outer Beauty Attracts, Inner Beauty Captures and Holds


Born to believe she is pretty, it underwrites both a gal’s personality and sense of self-importance. If she follows the primary motivational force in her life, then she reinforces her sense of self-importance by making herself more important to others. From an inborn and deep resource of self-love, she spreads love to those of her choosing in the process of routinely confirming her self-importance.

Born believing himself to be handy, it underwrites a boy or man’s quickness to judge, enlarges his self-interest in girls and women, and upgrades a gal’s body shape from female prettiness to feminine beauty. It’s a matter of choice that matches each male’s attraction to the opposite sex. Why the difference between female and feminine? In the mind of the hunter-conqueror, female means sexually available and feminine means she may be good for more than that, the ultimate of which would be mating for an extended period.

Note this connection: I started with her natural prettiness and ended with a mate. What happens in between spins the social and domestic arenas of life. Emerson said “The world turns on hope.” Guy says, The world of females turns on how women appear, appeal to men, and harmonize compatibly within each couple. The world of males turns on how females make sex available or unavailable with or without obligation. In the end, access to premarital sex enables men to rule women through dominance, whereas obligated access enables women to govern relationships until compatible mates develop, mature, and avoid separation.

Over the long run, each pretty woman is beautiful only to the man or men who call her that. Moreover, it pays for each woman to upgrade her inner beauty, which she can improve, rather than upgrading her outer beauty, which depends on the opinion of someone else.

Prettiness is the root of a woman’s inner beauty, which is the foundation of the beauty a man sees in her. In the real world that leads to marital success, it’s as if both sexes play solitaire. She plays the game of maximizing inner beauty; she avoids trying to convince others of anything more attractive than she is inside herself. He plays the game of finding her weaknesses that may get her into his bed and accidentally discovers her inner beauty, provided that she delays conquest long enough.

IOW, she indirectly enhances what some man will see as her beauty by ‘doctoring’ up the prettiness of her personality, likeability, admirable character, smiling outlook, pleasant attitude, and living by her heart. She focuses on what she’s born with more than living by her mind and the unappealing lessons learned in life, such as how men think. Perhaps not so for particular moments, but clothing that matches her inner beauty is more appealing to men than clothing that attracts men sexually.  

In that way, improved prettiness motivates a woman to look better, which motivates men to more easily call her beautiful, which adds feminine worth that pushes men to upgrade masculine decisions about women, which makes the world turn slower or faster depending on how women appear and appeal, which enables women to determine better what obligations are necessary before they yield sex to a man of interest to capture and keep.

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NOTE: I previously mentioned that coverage of the subject of intimacy was coming soon. While the subject is simple, it is connected with other concepts. I’m still working on a project tougher than I envisioned when I announced it.

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2758. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 09 Their Lenses Differ


Spouses view the future through different lenses.

He anticipates consequences and weighs them against how alterations necessary to his life will likely keep him satisfied with himself. Example: His car is wearing out. Nurse it a while longer? New car? Used one? Upsize it? Downsize it? Save on operating costs? Dip into savings? After balancing those inter-connections and -dependencies, he makes a decision that keeps him satisfied with himself that may or may not please his wife. If he is pushed to decide or disagreement ensues, he senses greater pressure to do it his way.

OTOH, she plans improvements, manages spousal interests, and anticipates consequences so that she, they, or their children gain some advantage. His car-buying plan becomes part of the new future she anticipates. If she can, she prefers to do it her way, more closely follow her own plans, and will usually argue even furiously to get her way.

If she can’t get her way but is convinced she’s right, she tries harder, learns to resent his resistance, or —if she’s smart enough—solicits his collaboration to work together. Example: Her car is wearing out. She long ago planted a seed with husband as to her preference; whether to drive a new one, a particular model, or to take cost consciousness to a new level to help promote other plans for their future together. Her sense of cooperation drives their decisions into collaboration and easier agreement for both sides. (It’s not in his nature to initiate cooperation or collaboration; it’s mostly up to her.)

In both cases, each spouse begins simple decision-making thoughts about the first to ID the issue being first with the solution. It’s normal, natural, and far too easily the beginning of competition and dispute resolution through argument to see who gets their way.

Because they view through different lenses, neither spouse is validated as being right and thereby the best decision maker. However, different lenses promote female adroitness, more cooperation, and more often end with collaboration, aka both sides pleased with the results.

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