I regret interrupting the flow of Mid-life Dating series, but I must tend to an admin matter.
Recently I was taken out behind the woodshed and verbally paddled for my blog attitude, style, and etiquette. I bump the issue to you for confirmation or denial.
I need the truth and ask for it clearly rather than dearly. I can handle both as I’ve been making mistakes for 80 years. I can also improve whatever needs it. Of course, my accusers will read your responses.
I don’t mind the criticism unless you ladies feel the same way. Therefore, I ask for your opinion in a simple format. For each paragraph number below, cite your response with simple terms such as yes, no, true, false, sometimes, never, always, frequently, constantly, agree, disagree, or whatever else you choose. One word for each number is all I need although you may use whatever reports the truth as you see it.
- My attitude is directly or indirectly disrespectful of readers.
- I was told that I frequently reflect anger, am critical of people, or belittle my readers.
- As the accusation goes, when someone says something that I specifically disagree with, I’m short tempered, short sighted, and inconsiderate to both men and women who disagree and others by implication.
- The example of poor etiquette is my using upper case text when I respond to many questions embedded in long comments. Unknown to me, use of upper case on the net is called shouting and is therefore demeaning. Is that so? You read it that way? (Incidentally, I have no other effective way of inserting my comments within a long series of questions from readers. If I answer many at the bottom, it makes for too much duplication or too tough reading. Caps avoid that.)
- Do you get the idea that I put readers down, demean them, disrespect them, or doubt their worth as a person, woman, reader, visitor, questioner, dater, mother, single mom, sex addict, former child, fearful person, girlfriend, wife, grandmother, lesbian, or transgendered mate? One exception: super-activist or radical spreader of Feminism into the social and domestic arenas.
Explanations are welcome but unnecessary. I first have to confirm or deny accusations, determine my guilt or innocence, and bring about whatever changes I choose to make. I don’t intend to silence my critics but to please myself and my readers.
At 2159 Her Highness Emma wondered if “higher urges of sex drive or need for admiration” dismisses the urge for a long term union. I’m not sure alpha-ness, testosterone, or any other single feature is the ‘determinator’ of either a man’s drive to specialize at conquering women or his preference for a short or long term marriage.
A dating man can never completely know you. Conquest convinces that he knows you quite well enough to deal with you as he desires. On the other hand, the better you know men and learn to know one without having to yield, the greater your advantage. I know women are better readers of men than the other way around. While the table below may seem too abstract, it may well help you along.
The table presents the dating arena as three dimensional: conquest, marriage, and time, presuming that both sexes will appear slightly different at different times. It reflects the combination of mental ingredients and psychic determinations that I think contribute the most motivational force in each direction of the dating arena.
| HOW MEN PURSUE CONQUEST AND MARRIAGE
||Self-esteem: How well he likes (high), regrettably dislikes (low), or even loathes himself (lowest) as a person.
|| Self-image: Picture he has of himself as an effective and easily satisfied man or, perhaps, the opposite, or somewhere in between.
|Self-interest: His personal intentions and goals that urge him to action and inaction; the same way self- interest motivates everyone.
|High interest in conquering many women.
||Low or lowest self-esteem; he can’t highly esteem others until they prove themselves highly worthy of respect and maybe not even then.
|Dominant self-image; uses it to prove himself superior to women and men he can dominate or outcompete.
||Uses sexual excitement and achievement to earn self-admiration, personal satisfaction, and significance.
|Low interest in conquering many women.
||High self-esteem; shares it by readily respecting others; has special esteem and even respect for the weaker sex.
||Self-assured self-image; satisfied with who he is and what he does; needs little from women because he can be easily satisfied by one.
|Has other challenges than frequent conquests; other goals have better return on investment for his time and effort.
|Not interested in long-term marriage; thinks more of not closing off options.
||Low or lowest self-esteem; has very limited ability to like others for very long time; tires easily of familiar personalities; seeks excitement.
|Poorly defined self-image; easily frustrated and keeps options open to escape easily at his discretion.
||Has broad rather than deep interest in marriage; keeps options open to easily shift from tiring to fresh challenges.
|Interested in long-term marriage; willing to commit with expectations for life.
||High self-esteem; likes himself so well he readily and enjoyably shares his likeability.
||Self-energizing picture of himself; eager to step up to greater responsibility.
||Envisions pleasurable life in companionship and challenge of greater responsibility especially for others.
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 460,000 times in 2014. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 20 days for that many people to see it.
Click here to see the complete report.
As you know, I am relocating and it’s time to pause posting for 10 days. I expect to return about election day, but in the meantime I’m hopeful of responding normally to many of your comments except when I’m offline between about OCT 30 and NOV 3.
I leave you with something to study. It’s the new page at blog top, HER BLESSINGS and HIS ADMIRATION. It’s the result of the new project derived from the 93 Female Blessings at Birth articles posted previously.
Ladies, may all your days brighten with new thoughts to help you figure out how to make your life more enjoyable.
At post 2055 Her Highness Cinnamon asked for details that reveal a guy’s devotion in the dating phase. That’s easy. There is none except his devotion to his interest and her devotion to her interest. However, there’s always the possibility of a man’s love at first sight. One of the first things that emerges quickly is devotion to her. It’s just an ‘automatic’ phenomenon. (Women don’t love a man at first sight; they just imagine it out of too much anxiety or hope.)
However, I see what Cinnamon is after. What signals a man’s worth to move into courtship and beyond? With apology to her, however, I think more benefit may come from citing things often overlooked by gals enthralled in romantic love.
Therefore, these ‘pointy fingers’ hint at or reveal the unlikelihood that a man’s devotion of almost any woman will develop. That is, red flags unfurl, stormy weather ahead.
- He resists or resents just about anything that pleases her. He pleases her only when he wants something. (Which reflects deep self-centeredness and probably selfishness.)
- He lacks thoughtfulness, respect, punctuality, reliability, politeness, or even awkwardness or discomfort in his attempts to charm her. (Awkwardness discloses uneasiness about doing something wrong, and so it’s a good sign.)
- He lacks appreciation for her humor, presence, patience, housekeeping, job or family obligations, attractiveness (above and beyond the sexual).
- He presents her with no evidence that he admires any features, traits, habits, or qualities about her. (Lack of admiration means he sees no virtues in her and men want to marry a virtuous woman.)
- He doesn’t please her in order to please himself. (This is tricky. He’s more invested in her when he pleases her to please himself.)
- He lacks interest to do what she sometimes wants them to do together. (Such lack of respect signals no foundation for his love.)
- He considers her attentions to him to be excessive and has no problem telling her about it. (If she nags about loneliness, she is the red flag.)
- He angers easily at her for little things. That is, he ticks off easily. (And you say, most men do. And I say, not if she’s important enough for him. He either values her above his temper or devotion is probably not in the cards. Admittedly, after they marry, couples learn that husband’s temper and devotion are not mutually exclusive like they should be in courtship when his self-control is part of selling himself to her. Wife has already bought into him.)
- He shows little interest in contacting her frequently and regularly. (He may have good reason and slowness of initiative should not raise a red flag. For example, it’s tolerable if he wants to keep him in her mind, but preferable if he wants to set her mind at ease.)
- He seems unwilling to respect and accommodate both her modesty and vanity. He can’t live with the fairness (normal man’s value) of being punctual to her tardiness fixing up. (In the natural course of things, her tardiness signifies that she’s the more important member of the courting arrangement. If not acknowledged by him, red flags unfurl and courtship is probably wrong for them.)
- He exhibits bad habits as she defines ‘bad’ without his showing interest to change just to please her. (Doesn’t mean he has to change at her request but to at least show honest and sincere effort to do so hopefully for the purpose of just satisfying her.)
- He prefers the company of buddies over aloneness with her. (IOW, she’s not as respected as his fun or socializing time.)
- He lets sex dominate his thinking when around her and when contacting her routinely. (The more prevalent his interest in sex, the less his true interest in her. How can I say that? People get what they think about. Thinking about it leaves less time and words for other things. Until pre-conquest sex with her is hugely secondary, he’s not very devoted to her.)
- He resists investing his time, effort, or money in her. He’s single-minded to be super-efficient in their relationship. To produce the most for them at least cost to him. (After they marry, he gets worse. He won her with frugality, he can keep her satisfied (man’s value) while he becomes more successful at it. It’s the man’s nature coming alive this way. He admires himself for every nickel saved. Unfortunately, she pays a huge price for his satisfaction and her inability to earn happiness for lack of resources with which to spread her gratefulness among others.)
- He gives too big rather than thoughtful gifts. (Trying too hard to impress her signals that he’s buying her off, which reverses their natural roles. It pushes her into the corner of becoming the seller (to keep gifts coming) rather than the buyer of whatever he has to offer of himself without gifts. Respect is not buried in gifts but in the intent behind the giving. Thoughtfulness reflects his respect much better than his gift. Am I right, ladies?)
- He keeps his schedule from her to prevent her knowledge, involvement, or ability to investigate. (It’s natural for men to thus protect their independence and tend to their own business in their own way. It’s a strong instinct proportionally related to alpha, beta, gamma traits.)
- He keeps his agenda mysterious and doesn’t even hint at what her role might be in his life if and when they get more serious or marry. (Unwillingness to address her role keeps her closer to the sideline in case he wants to jump out of the relationship. The absence of such thoughts corresponds with unwillingness to fully commit.)
- He seems to purposely make himself unpredictable to her. (To be predictable is to lose independence. Men not fully devoted to their woman try endlessly to retain their independence even in small ways.)
- He flirts with other women when with her. (Contrary to woman-think, routine flirting does not signify emotional infidelity. Men don’t recognize emotional infidelity as important, and they don’t or can’t empathize with women about it. Therefore, women have to be more direct and teach their man, Thou shall not flirt, period.)
- He fails to flirt and tease her tenderly, abundantly, and sincerely. (Then he has little or no interest in making her feel good about herself.)
- He shows more interest in other things and people than in her. (He’s just not that into her, is he?)
- He sends out signals that she interprets as his using her to advance his agenda. (Does she want to tag along with his agenda?)
- He dodges commitment except when tied to frequent and convenient access to sex—e.g., shack up—and dodges even more when marriage comes up. (The female heart is loaded with self-protective reasons to find fault in such a guy.)
- He uses words of commitment but doesn’t show actions that signify devotion. (Her heart know this. Words are temporary. Only devotion is permanent. Now, how does she go about helping the former become the latter? Be herself, trust her heart, and rely on her patience and indirectness.)
- He attaches little extra value to the ‘us’ side of their relationship. He just can’t truly make her more important than him in his value system. (It does not bode well for her future even if sweetened by his presence.)
- He proactively claims both intent and ability to make her happy. (His idea of her happiness is her responding favorably to his leadership. OTOH, if he’s truly into her rather than sex, he’s worried about keeping her (the present) more than promising things (the future).)
- He promises her the moon. It’s an indirect invitation to bed. (When men come courting with indirectness, they abandon their direct nature. Women like to hear but should not trust romantic promises. Don’t dump him yet. Wait for his actions to match his words.)
Now, obviously those behaviors are more easily detectable during courtship. But the symptoms can be detected in dating and should raise red flags.
Cinnamon, if this doesn’t respond sufficiently well to your request, let me know. However, I know you ladies read more good signs and red flags in your lives than I can ever imagine. I think reason to veto is more useful. Avoidance usually beats the cure. Women already know how to buy in when they want to believe their date is almost Mr. Right.
During the dating phase, women should look for behaviors that hint that he’s not likely to fit any of those pointed fingers. That is, he’s likely to grow in the direction that leads to devotion. It may, however, be courtship phase before those signs are certain enough in a dating woman’s mind so they don’t rise up and bite her. If her screening and judging stop before he walks to the altar, she has sold herself short.
I’m back on the blog full time.
I leave Tuesday 7/22 on a 10-12 day trip for business and grandson’s wedding. Should be back by August 3 at latest. My access to both email and blog will be very limited, but I shall remain loyal to those who comment or ask questions.
I leave you with yesterday’s post, 2020, as an eye-opener to see the blog closer to 20/20. I hope it works for everyone as well as Screamstyle’s progress on her recovery.
If you get bored, study up near the end of the Default Attitudes (aka Female Blessings from Birth), specifically those numbered in the 80s. Some shocks too!
Have a great week or two.