2795. Wifely Leadership — 05: As Women Enter Marriage


Out of the inborn male nature, these ‘grenades’ await wives as they begin marriage. She may not know how, why, or when she pulls the pin.

  • Her love didn’t win him, her sex won’t keep him.
  • Femininity attracts, Feminism detracts.
  • Men appreciate what they earn and remain devoted to the most likeable.

A man’s primal self-expectation in life is to keep himself satisfied with himself and with whomever he’s doing what he’s doing. Wife need not be perfect; she was closest to perfect when he proposed. Mrs. Good Enough need only keep husband satisfied with himself that he chose rightly.

Mrs. Good Enough exploits the vacant leadership role. And you say, “vacant?” Yes, she’s entitled to as big a leadership role as she can earn with well discussed agreements that promote hubby’s satisfaction with her and their life together. Details later.

Soon after romantic love fades in a year or two, a wife faces the reality that husband doesn’t quite fit her mold as she imagined. Their marriage is okay but not as she envisioned it. He’s just not completely the husband she expected. Unable to make marriage match her dreams, it frustrates her. His married mind, which held so much promise before, can’t keep up with fulfilling her dreams, intentions, and expectations of who and what he and they should be.

If she pressures him at all, his focus turns elsewhere and perhaps away from her, their pre-marital interests become less mutual, and a gap spreads in their relationship. Thus, she misguides two biased and perhaps selfish leaders who ought to work hard and together to remain compatible.

He should rule overall but her leadership keeps him satisfied they do the right thing together. So, any of her wishes are best fulfilled when subordinated to his remaining satisfied living with her.

You heard it here before. Men are passive members in a relationship, regardless of how they strut their authority as kingpin. Only women can manage a relationship successfully, and relationships get very complex soon after marriage.

Moreover, their living in the present makes changes more noticeable. By her living in the present but primarily for the future, patience enables her to more slowly rearrange whatever expectations and agreements exist, whether verbalized, silent, or implied.

Wives confirm their leadership role and stir the marital relationship to success, when they use responsibility as arbiter, dominator, and source of individual power. For example, early on but in routine fashion wife seeks his agreement on this: Anger aimed at self is okay, aimed at others is to be avoided. Nothing wrong, it doesn’t seem right for our marriage. Agree?

The HOW of all that follows.

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2794. Wifely Leadership — 04: Men’s View Continues


Responsibility mutually agreed upon and respected is the key to marital success. Responsibility develops a person, and husbands and wives need to develop compatibly or the marriage won’t last. Mutually sharing responsibilities works best according to who’s closest to the subject and best able to make respectable decisions. It promotes mutual respect, facilitates peaceful resolutions, and produces acceptable but not always ideal decisions.

The early days of marriage amount to this. The shell forms when they marry. It hardens as husband continues doing what he considers his turf or duty. He continues responsible for his job, car, hobby, income, finances, recovery after work, entertainment, partial independence, and certain other matters and habits.

He doesn’t think about negotiating a different lifestyle with her. He just fits his previous lifestyle into the shell, expects to shave off the rough edges with his marital adjustments, and polishes it with the self-satisfaction earned living with her. Consequently, the shell is not free of his deep habits, and adjustments of his lifestyle aren’t a rebirth, as wives often anticipate. That’s for openers, as she pushes in all her chips of love and, being herself as always, expects it to be enough.

As the love-filled yolk, she brings along a multitude of dreams, intentions, expectations, and personal responsibilities. She expects to fulfill them with vigor. She also has baggage, but her pre-marital sincerity—if she played courtship fairly— minimizes surprises for husband.

He’s the shell, she’s the yolk. It’s who and what they are and for which each spouse will hold the other accountable as mate. Everything else makes up the egg white between his and her responsibilities. The white includes good and bad, tolerable and okay. Plus, it includes the unsettled and unsettling issues that bring disagreement, and dispute that morphs so easily into resentment.

If the egg white becomes a froth of competitive angst and surprise competition to get one’s own way, over time it dooms a marriage. I propose ways to stir less resentfully and avoid making an unpleasant froth, and it comes from wifely leadership and negotiating agreements before the misery of disagreement stirs ill feelings. IOW, she prevents anger and blame.

Until they find agreement on who’s responsible for what, they lack principles to live by. Principles that slow each from denigrating the other and automatically promote respect for each other. The absence of agreement to honor the other’s leadership is exactly what causes disrespect, irritations, and disputes that have a separating effect.

It’s natural that both spouses extend their tentacles of interest into the other’s arena of responsibility. Wife interferes with matters lodged in the shell and husband interferes with matters resident in the egg white. IOW, they distrust the way the other deals with matters of mutual interest. It’s natural but it’s also disrespectful, which is perhaps a minor incursion, but cumulative incursions threaten mutual likeability. Reduce the interference and it enhances compatibility. So, how to reduce the interference?

Women take the leading role in all relationships. Best done when they structure their personal and mutual interests into a compatible whole. The HOW of it is next, but first an unknown feature of the male nature.

——

Attention, attention, attention. When he marries, he has no exceptions or criticisms to lodge against her as the yolk. Continuing as before, his devotion rules and the yolk is inviolate. She’s protected by his opinion of her as she was when he proposed.

He expects to live with who she was then, but she has female dreams to fulfill. With her personally being the most vital factor behind his commitment, if she changes against his expectation for her as mate, his focus shifts from the white to the yolk.

The shift puts too much attention on her, disrupts her freedom to operate as she wants, and gets him to questioning or evaluating her rather than what she does. Critical inquiries can weaken her likeability, stimulate his getting his way more often on issues in the white, and threaten continuing with her as his mate.

That describes the worst case scenario. Much slower implementing of her dreams, intentions, expectations, and fulfilling personal responsibilities serves to keep his interests away from the yolk and more gratefully focused on how well she stirs the white. It’s next.

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2793. Wifely Leadership — 03: As Men Enter Marriage


A man has three primal urges re marriage: Sex for the sake of conquest, work that provides satisfaction, and a woman with whom he shares his interest and is likely to find satisfaction with himself for doing what and with whom he’s doing it.

Men expect to be directly responsible for certain things; e.g., job, car, hobby, income, finances, daily recovery after work, entertainment, certain other matters and habits, plus some level of independence. In effect, he enables wife to handle everything else. It’s easy to model the masculine view, but it also turns off women until they realize what the feminine model looks like; it comes later.

Think of marriage as an egg in three parts. Husband is the shell. His personality, dominance, and direct responsibilities harden it against wife or anyone else cracking or destabilizing his sense of self-respect, self-worth, self-interest, self-image, and marital permanency.

Wife is the yolk; she’s well nestled, wrapped, and protected from outside intrusion, but the protective white surrounding her consists of a multitude of responsibilities that she’s expected to handle successfully. It’s one of God’s blessings; she protects herself best by fulfilling the responsibilities that both surround and worry her most. Things that also serve and protect husband from worrying about his marriage so that he can maximize opportunities and minimize threats outside the home.

Simplified, he owns both her and their marriage. He expects her to do what he can’t, which is to prevent squeaky wheels that require oil or grease, because he has no talent for lubricating relationships.

Except for caring for herself personally as the yolk, the egg white represents the other responsibilities she fulfills to keep husband satisfied with her. IOW, he married the yolk to keep the white fluffed into something very satisfying to him about her. Her performance depends on one thing outside herself, which is keeping him satisfied with himself that he was right to settle down with her.

And you say: No way would I assent to such a demeaning and potentially depressing role. To which I say, it only appears demeaning because it’s deliberately one sided. In the end, both the reality and practicality favor wives, unless they use the male view to accuse and blame men as enemies of women.

Wives can better understand how to get what they want out of a marriage with a  forthcoming article about the feminine way of looking at marriage and with the following truisms in mind:

  1. Wife and husband are in constant competition. Each wants their own way with the other, except as female love, her cooperative spirit, and manly devotion cause one to yield to the other.
  2. Women learn early in life that when they truly want to have their way with a man, cooperation works better than competition. Men won’t compete with a conquered woman and, if regularly pushed to do so after marriage, will seek to escape.
  3. She’s driven to be important to herself, he’s driven to admire his accomplishments. Cooperation nurtures both, whereas competition takes both off target.
  4. Men deal primarily in the present and husbands expect to get their way with present-day problems. Women focus primarily on the future and wives expect to get their way eventually.
  5. God created or Nature made us able to mate compatibly with the opposite sex. However, a woman’s love won’t win a man, and her sex won’t keep him. Wives have few options to sustain compatibility, unless they face the reality of the male nature and how men are motivated.
  6. Women face the reality of male dominance with the hope of defeating it. They can’t, but they are hugely endowed with ability to outwit, outsmart, and outmaneuver his dominant spirit with wifely leadership. If women can’t win, they can harness competitors to produce what wives desire.
  7. Women are primarily processors and men are producers. Life and marriage are processes, which makes wives more qualified to govern a couple’s life together. Wives just need to learn how to master and overcome obstructions described in this model of how men view marriage. They have the ability but too often lack the incentive.
  8. Women are born inquisitive enough to want to understand men and how to treat them and thus minimize social and domestic hostility. Men are not talented that way; they can function successfully as mates and still proclaim, One can never understand a woman.

More of the man’s view of marriage is next. Following that, the woman’s role as wifely leader begins under this title, How Women View Marriage.

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2792. Wifely Leadership — 02: Her First Hurdle


NOTE: In the last post I said your puzzlement will clear beginning with next post, namely this one. However, it’s not to be, the clearer air I intended is delayed another day.

——

Whatever a man believes is the starting point for his wife to indirectly exert her influence; aka wifely leadership. However, she can’t change him. She has to uncover new ways for him to think, accept, and value differently a multitude of problematic matters. She does it best when she anticipates what’s coming and influences him beforehand. She gets his buy-in to either her way or negotiated settlements aimed at avoiding damage from what she foresees coming down the marital pike. Her first hurdle, however, originates in the male nature.

Marriage has a surprise beginning. Women don’t recognize how to turn these mysterious factors to their advantage. When a man proposes marriage, the male nature imports five hidden concepts about which much is subliminal.

  1. Whatever it is, he believes his love is sufficient. Conquest proved that he owns her. Unless fully devoted to her beyond the normal, he acts no differently to please her requests for more attention, affection, support, etc.
  2. He believes her expressions of love will signal her satisfaction with him and continually confirm her likeability and loyalty to him.
  3. He believes his love of her is genuine as she is now, and he expects her not to change. His nature doesn’t allow him to love a woman different from the original without assessing her according to the seven conditions of masculine love: his respect of her, his devotion, her likeability, her loyalty, his likeability to her, his loyalty to her, and his conclusion that he loves her truly.
  4. He believes married life for him will be the continuation of his single life (but she expects him to change and he won’t). He meets his marital obligations to the extent his devotion to her keeps him satisfied with himself.
  5. His nature avoids doing anything at which he expects to fail. So, if he isn’t fully responsible for their marriage, he believes he’s not sufficiently in charge to prevent failure. Challenging his sense of full responsibility weakens his sense of duty, which discourages his motivational force to do what’s right for her.

When we do what we believe, we do what is right—for us at that moment. Wives can’t get their man to change. They can only influence his thinking—and do it indirectly and patiently—to look at life’s problems before they happen. Living primarily in the future more than the present, it’s a piece of cake for the future-oriented, planning-capable, well-intentioned wife dedicated to keeping husband responsible for marital success, aka no separation.

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2791. Wifely Leadership — 01: Preliminaries


PRELIMINARY NOTES: The Trailer of What’s Coming

This is a bold, and perhaps too bold, move on my part. Pardon the hubris, but I’ve spent thousands of hours thinking of the likely consequences. Mostly about protecting compatibility before problems arise, I promote maximizing wifely influence and balancing male dominance with the unthinkable: previously ignored planning, negotiation, and discussion about responsibilities.

  1. This post opens a subject so huge I can’t seem to get it organized into a series. So, I’m going to itemize how women lead in marriage indirectly, patiently, and in bits and pieces only. I will let your questions bring out the motivational details, the details of why it works.
  2. Recall this, the basis of all I write is how the sexes are born differently. The emotional connections that govern life as a couple develop from lessons learned in life. I describe the naturally inherited background. You have already generated your own foreground, the emotionally connected and highly charged relationship anticipating or living with your man.
  3. The main theme comes from Cinnamon at post 1482, where she asks, “Is it really women who lead … after marriage, and not men?” I accept the challenge to show how its done. I spotlight the most important and toughest job for a woman to undertake. Each woman is born capable, but many lack courage to even tackle it—especially while romantic love still lives. Perhaps if they see the results I describe, the courage of some will increase and enable them to lead better. The HOW of doing it is embedded in the suggestions I make tomorrow.
  4. Among couples, leaders negotiate continually—he more directly, she more indirectly—to get the authority they need to get their way. However, the wife’s way may be weakened from too easily giving husband his way, or too drastically trying to overpower his arguments. It requires continuous work for wife to lead the way in many things of critical interest to her. Example: By outlawing blame, substituting self-imposed guilt, and stopping the imposing of guilt on one another, she can convert sour to pleasant attitudes among family members. It’s a huge benefit, but it requires leadership ability generally lacking in men.
  5. To lead is to provide the predominant influence. If he’s king, she needs techniques to inject her influence and make it dominate without offense. She does it best by anticipating future problems before they arise and talking them into the ground if necessary to conquer his natural stubbornness toward her influence. IOW, she has to make him talk about sensitive matters that he’d prefer to avoid. Example? He’s responsible for marital success, she’s responsible for delivering it for him. Or, she will raise and discipline the children, if he will just be their entertainer and tell her what he doesn’t like. Mostly work for her, mostly play for him. (Oughta be able to spin those discs for hours.)

I use this model: Marriage is an egg. Each man’s marriage proposal defaults to his being responsible for both marriage and shell. She defaults as the yolk composed of dreams, intentions, expectations, and personal responsibilities she expects to fulfill. The shell can’t get a clear view of the yolk because of its deep coloration and all the white stuff in between. The yolk can’t get a clear view beyond the shell because husband seeks to govern there. She’s the only one who sees well enough to govern their relationship, which sooner or later includes family life.

Everything else makes up the egg white between them. Wife is expected to drive the bus of compatibility pleasantly through disagreement, dispute, and resentment, which is the result of everybody trying to get their way at the expense of someone or others. Family life is as calm as wife/mother makes it with dynamic leadership, specifically exploiting her dominating influence earned indirectly through agreements with husband. If he won’t honor her desire to drive the bus that way, there are many other things he won’t honor either. Lack of honoring her desires means two things: He neither respects her enough nor is devoted to her above all others.

You are doubtless well puzzled by now, but I hope the air will clear beginning with next post, hopefully tomorrow.

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2790. Men are Simple; Women Just Don’t Get It


I shall describe a simple model here of the male nature as a man senses pressure to move forward with a love interest and sustain himself in the husband role. The woman’s best game plan is to exploit and take advantage of her man’s nature.

Throughout his life, a man strives for one thing. Call it self-satisfaction, the drive to keep himself satisfied with himself—with who he is, what he does, and who he does it with. All of his complicated manly motivations lead back to that end result over which he retains complete authority to judge. It also supports, symbolizes, and reflects his independence.

His love of her builds in eight steps of which he may or may not be consciously aware. Most of it evolves out of his habits of thinking, rethinking, and subconsciously programming new habits about her as he drives, rests, or otherwise pauses to fit her into his life as a man. He’s not as much after her as keeping himself satisfied with himself.

The following steps are not linear. They flash and evolve irregularly, ubiquitously, and unanticipated in and around his psyche.

  1. During their early encounters, she doesn’t disclose herself but primarily listens to him and thereby earns his respect, which is the first essential requirement for his love to begin developing. He’s the seller talking her toward conquest; she as the buyer listens attentively but refuses conquest and thereby earns his respect. (She continues to earn his respect until she at last yields, and he becomes a different man in their relationship.)
  2. He learns to please her, because he sees promise in it toward conquest. He’s the seller, she’s the buyer so long as she doesn’t capitulate for their first sex together. (Then the roles automatically reverse.)
  3. After awhile pleasing her becomes habitual and he pleases her because it pleases him differently from chasing conquest. Thus, she becomes more important to him than sex, which makes him devoted and generates the second essential ingredient for his love.
  4. He sees her as extremely likeable. He seeks her presence more and more, and his feelings about her grow more magnificent until they override his thoughts to conquer.
  5. He finally figures out that she’s better than all the others and he could be loyal to her. He could, if he chose, quit chasing all those lovelies just to have her for his own.
  6. He searches for the next essential ingredient for his love to develop. She has to see him as likeable as she is to him. IOW, do her displays of love confirm his likeability or just his presence?
  7. She has to display actions that convince him she can or will be completely faithful and loyal to him.
  8. After months of thinking of her and dreaming of his future life, he begins to realize that he loves her. It’s a tough admission, because he doesn’t see love as women do, and so he lacks incentive to proceed. He’s not too eager to move on, unless he’s convinced he needs to marry in order to keep her for his own. That will move him, and his thoughts evolve into two questions.

He faces this dilemma. He has a good single life. Will he be more satisfied with himself continuing as before? Or will he be more satisfied living with her? If he admits the latter as the right way to move onward with his life, that he truly loves her above all others, then he makes the choice and proposes. It’s the one time he can admit that he must truly and undeniably love her enough to commit his all.

Men don’t expect to start something and fail, and so his proposal backs him into the corner of responsibility for marital success. Neither see nor acknowledge it, but it resides subliminally in him and questionably within her. (Threats to or complaints about their marriage are subliminally if not obviously his fault, which puts them in competition and men don’t expect to lose to a weaker person, and she’s a member of the weaker sex, which means he has no intention of losing to her, which means he sometimes has to leave to keep from losing. Except for bringing up the threat or complaint, it’s not her fault but his nature pushing him like that.)

Her acceptance of his proposal puts them on different tracks of compatibility to her happiness and his satisfaction. He turns wedding and honeymoon preps over to her, and expects to thereafter live in his marital kingdom by keeping himself satisfied with himself. He already knows those things for which he expects to be directly responsible. In effect, he hires her to handle everything else.

It results in their division of responsibility. He’s responsible for those things up to which he acknowledges to himself to satisfy himself: e.g., his job, car, income, husbandly and fatherly duty, leadership, etc. Everything else is hers to handle—especially relationship management—such that she gets her way with most of her life with him.

Princess wives know what they want. They’ve dreamed it for years. The more intense their dreams, the more perfection they expect, and it has a disastrous effect in early marriage. Perfection is too much, whether in homecare, childcare, or relationship management. It causes too many and too high expectations that cause friction that brings dissent, dispute, and ultimately separation.

That marriage works best that looks like this. If he’s satisfied with who she is, what she does, and living with her, then he’s satisfied with married life, which satisfies him that he rightly chose her, which satisfies him with himself. Women are well equipped from birth to read a man as to his being or not being satisfied. God must have intended to make her job that much easier, less traumatic, if she just uses her natural talent.

But, you say, what about her? Well, she gets to do as she pleases and almost always get her way. He rules the present, she rules their future. She can easily govern home life and relationships by respecting his kingdom this way. She can pursue perfection or anything else so long as she keeps him satisfied with her and what she does, then he’s satisfied with marriage. A satisfied need no longer motivates, and so a man satisfied with himself in marriage needs little more than what he has. She’s free to build on that accommodation, of holding him because she satisfies herself by satisfying him with himself.

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2789. Every Woman Needs to Recover Sometime


To advise the ladies, Cinnamon compiled a summary of many articles about recovery from relationship troubles of whatever magnitude. All articles aim to make wife the recovery boss, compatible relationship the object to recover, and husband as the object to deal with until he’s satisfied with both her and himself.

HE HAS WRONGED HER. Recovery is a process and article 2022 is the best starting point followed by the advice listed here.
1. Don’t blame – it is toxic.
2. Let him figure out what/how/even if he wants to please her – NO PRESSURE.
4. Use hints and indirectness only. He reads this as he is respected less and has to earn her favour even in things disconnected from the offence.
5. She NEVER confirms any lack of respect for him as husband.
6. She NEVER mentions forgiveness.
7. He concludes he has disappointed her. As she keeps her thoughts to herself she earns his respect.
8. If he talks about it she stays neutral. “OK” or “I accept what you say.”
9. Let him lead. Don’t criticise or condemn. Be passive but receptive.
10. This process will take months, perhaps years.
11. She cannot earn his favour. He has to want to restore the kind of attention he previously had with her.
12. She focuses on gratitude without complaint or blame.
13. NEVER argue competitively with him about anything; neutralise male dominance.
14. Use feminine wiles, such as physical appearance (pretty time), modesty (female standards), and behaviour (indirectness and patience). Mixed together they provide female magnetism that makes men enjoy female company, overlook flaws, and keep coming back for more.
15. Rebuild mutual likeability using feminine wiles.
16. Men believe better what they figure out for themselves than what they are told by a woman, so she listens more than speaks.
17. After conquest she has no authority. She learns to cooperate and hopes he will treat her rightly. With a cooperating female, men more easily follow female expectations.
18. When a woman complains, a man presumes he is to blame.
19. Know your values and live by them instead of talking about them. Keep your words few and simple, be kind but firm. Don’t explain and don’t complain.
20. Never say “you hurt me.” Don’t criticise.
21. If he tries to get you agree to something that is wrong, don’t argue but be kind and firm: “That’s not what I believe.”
22. He’s disqualified himself from having intimate knowledge of you and your life until he proves himself worthy of you. See point 10.
23. Avoid endless chatter.
24. It can take only an instant to tear down what took years to build.

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