2600. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 10


Still driving home after his proposal to Jenny, Hank continues to marvel at the courtship process that changed his life for the better. He reviews his goals for his weekend retreat. Does he jump off the ledge into marriage? His conclusion was yes (as we saw in the last chapter).

His memory moves to phase two about the leadership of a married man, what it means as a responsibility. Enjoying his reverie, he laughingly recalls two sayings his country-boy uncle usually spouted to defend his own bachelorhood. All men are born equal, but some grow up and get married. You can lead a horse to drink, but you can’t make him water. Hank dreams of someday being a favorite uncle with a laugh ready to share.

He returns to the second phase, a plan for next step with Jenny. He loves her, she loves him, but that isn’t enough. He accepts a full array of responsibilities. How does he take over their lives as a couple, get Jenny’s buy in and promise that she will stand behind him, and hold it together for a lifetime? He does not intend to fail, so he has to be sure of her, and love is never enough.

Following notes made earlier, Hank thought through his concerns about responsibility and leadership. Settling into his rhythm for the retreat, he records the results as eight principles to guide him and hopefully her.

When the retreat ends, he will plant his foot of leadership by negotiating dispute prevention and problem resolution before they are needed. Jenny and he together will discuss and negotiate reasonableness into the following to be used as guidance to help solidify a good life together and enable him to find satisfaction for his effort.

  1. The purpose of life together is sharing; purpose of money is convenience; and purpose of extravagance is to please self at expense of someone else. He seeks agreement to no extravagance, neither in home, cars, nursery, Christmas presents, vacationing, nor child raising. They will have to negotiate a definition of extravagance for their home and life.
  2. Recognizing that financial success comes not from how much money a couple has, he intends to control what they do have. Consequently, he expects one or the other will maintain a budget to control finances, will merge their incomes, and allocate by prioritized needs and wants. He plans to propose this: first, a savings budget: second, pocket money budget for each; third, a home life budget for Jenny to manage; and finally a family budget—aka temporary savings—to cover the remainder with both to manage it. Zero is not allowed in any budget; all must have allocations, otherwise savings can be forgotten when new income arrives. Except for emergencies, big expenses are incurred only with approval of both. Hank has final say when they dispute, except as they negotiate something else. Jenny has full access to records and audit capability. The one most capable, willing, and successful handles the budget process.
  3. He will explain how he intends to lead by sharing responsibility, authority, and personal influence to generate respect and trust for all family members. The intent is to maximize benefits to home rule, relationships, and domestic harmony. (Details are at post 2540.)
  4. He seeks agreement on how they will jointly raise children but she will be the disciplinarian. The kids will have only one boss, mother. She will have one boss, herself as wife of husband. Father will be more helper to mother than boss to the children. She knows how to do it instinctively, but Hank will insist ahead of time that they coordinate their thoughts into one model aligned with that described more clearly at post 2540.
  5. He seeks agreement to settle all disputes before going to bed each night. Each is entitled to request that emotional wounds be mended with extra intimacy for her and extra satisfaction for him. The wounded requests, and the one requested must respond favorably—except that resentment on either side comes first and nullifies any and all requests. (Those who don’t resent are good spouses; those who resent after going to bed are less so, because they are not over the dispute and should not yet be in bed. IOW, successful dispute management comes from being a good person in the first place.)
  6. He likes this friendly dispute avoidance policy. When they can’t decide because of lack of interest or trying too hard to please one another (e.g., where to eat out, or what TV show or movie to watch?) she has to make the dangling decision on odd-numbered days and he on even-numbered days. No abrogation of responsibility is allowed; he or she cannot escape their obligation. To prevent disputes and discourage thoughts of revenge, on days not their own neither spouse can object or find fault with decisions of the other. Them’s the rules! Forced by the calendar to be a bystander every other day, they have no authority to even quibble much less find fault or criticize. Tomorrow is their day to be wrong or unpopular but protected from critique, criticism, and possible revenge.
  7. No parental disputes or even disagreements are allowed in front of the children or where they can hear. The first parent approached for conflict resolution or special consideration has responsibility and full authority to immediately rule on such issues and never to be questioned or reversed by the other parent. If thought to be wrong or their decision is unsatisfactory as seen by the other parent, both must take it up QUIETLY behind closed doors, resolve it for future occasions, and forgive and forget past events. Children are never to see anything but two parents in total agreement.
  8. When principle and personal taste are in conflict, principle prevails. Here’s a respectable and easily contestable example. TASTE: Wife wants to know sex of unborn child but husband does not. PRINCIPLE: Husband believes that adoration of expectant mother suffers after disclosure that a boy or girl is expected. She deserves to be the hero for full nine months, because the infant will receive all her glory after it is born. Early disclosure of fetal sex focuses thoughts on an untouchable infant that is beyond emotional connection to other than the mom. Knowledge of sex effectively gives fetus a personality for others to love, which preoccupies them about matters other than mother’s well-deserved glory. Color of clothing, decorating of nursery, future planning, re-allocating of funds, grandparents’s shopping, and excitement or jealousy among older siblings. It all takes the focus off the expectant mother. She deserves more, actually the ultimate in attention, respect, and adoration, because she will lose those blessings as soon as her delivery pain subsides. Prenatal glory for mom shifts to post-natal glory for infant, and mother love initiates that changeover. No justification exists to speed up the changeover except personal taste and that of doctors and nurses, who I suppose, enjoy it. Anyway, not knowing the sex is Nature and God’s way of rewarding the discomfort of pregnancy and pain of delivery. Mom alone should protect the pleasure of transferring her glory to her child. Seeing that glory shift at her pleasure-loaded discretion is a monumental event and compensates her for many mundane things that plague other parts of her life. Mutual adoration and mom’s glory should be the sole aim of expectant parents until the baby is born. Then others can be invited to share in the shift of glory from mom to infant. Father’s excitement returns because his adored mate is okay again.

And so, with his eight principles clearly described, Hank is ready to return to Jenny and begin negotiating about their life together.

However, third phase of his retreat awaits; he has to prepare his soliloquy. He hopes to match her champagne eloquence about virtual virginity with his own about marital responsibility. Her goal will shortly be achieved, she conquered him. His goal is just beginning to envelope his life with….

 

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2599. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 9


Still talking to his steering wheel enroute home after proposing to Jenny, Hank mumbles more and even voluble expressing courtship memories.

At their ‘champagne episode’, Jenny justified virtual virginity as her lifetime dedication to herself and insisted it to be irrevocable. His plan for premarital conquest went up in flames, plus she dumped in his lap responsibility for their future together. She said her piece, confirmed her peace with or without him, and left him in charge of whatever happened next.

The nub was reached. Unless he took charge, only the stub of memories was left.

From eloquence to reality, does he want her, or does he not? Is she worth it, or is she not? Their courtship follows a process meant for her to determine if he was worthy of her; he earns her to prove he is good enough. Now, it appears he proved it, and she makes herself worthy of him; that is, she earns him by virtue of her virtues, especially that of being as close as practical to the virginal. She did it for herself, but it’s available to him with her blessings. Ball in his court.

It all fits together, makes him curious, and stirs his imagination to consider new options for his life.

He sees that marriage is the only way, if he wants her. Will he do it? Can he do it? Can he succeed where so many others seem to fail at marriage? Unable to convince himself one way or the other, he develops a new plan.

Calling his closest friend, he asks for a favor, to ask John’s parents for permission to use the family cabin next weekend. Assure them it will be only him and no others. It’s a private retreat for personal reasons. John says do it; if not okay, then he will call it off.

Loading his car with soft drinks, beer, uncookable food, laptop, and an old five-iron, Hank retreats to the cabin intent on making one decision and maybe two plans. Shall he or shall he not? Will he or will he not? Is marriage right or wrong for him? Can he or must he do without her?

On the way, he maps out his weekend into three phases: Do I jump off the ledge into marriage and most likely with Jenny? If yes, how do I step up and handle the new responsibilities? How do I take over our lives together and get Jenny’s buy in and promises that will stand up for a lifetime together? Other men may not care enough, but I do not intend to fail.

Driving to the cabin, he reminds himself of previously making tough decisions; it’s a simple process. Make a list of pros and cons, and then analyze each item for its implication to his life in both emotional and reasonable terms. By the time he finishes, his answer will be evident. Or so, it worked before.

Being a morning person, he starts the list early Saturday. Pro: living together, frequent and convenient sex, she pleases me, I love her, she loves me…. Con: lose my independence, unneeded responsibility, how to handle double incomes, unexpected children, disasters unprepared for, …. Running out of mental steam about an hour later, he takes his five-iron outside to chip and plink rocks over the hill. His mind continues stirring opportunities for the gold buried within thoughts of Jenny—still working with the pros and cons.

After noon he tunes into a football game with laptop handy to post and refine the pros and cons. After the game, he begins to analyze and synthesize each item into meaning for his life. His multi-tasking effort satisfies him. He produces promising results. He watches the night game and then sleeps with his conclusions to disturb it.

Early Sunday, he confirms his basic conclusion; I can and will marry Jenny. Then he moves on to second phase of his retreat plan: How do I step up to and handle such new and unfamiliar responsibilities? He concludes: I have to shape those responsibilities to fit me, my nature, my persona, and my fitness for living with another. It’s no piece of cake but….

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2598. Supreme Importance of Women


At 2594, Her Highness Femme likes a particular model of how the world works. She wonders, “Why aren’t we taught this at school?” Other phenomena about human motivation also go untaught, unmentioned, and pretty much unnoticed, but they energize the model to make things happen.

Shown below are behavioral results that we inherit at birth and that guide our lives whether we wish it or not.

First phenomenon:  Femme cited this one as new info. Men spread their seed liberally, mother-love raises the children that result, and life is all about women capturing a man to help raise the next generation. That’s why we are all here, to fulfill God’s intent (or Nature’s randomness if you prefer) of perpetuating our species.

Another phenomenon: Compatibility of the sexes is the most essential ingredient for success in that model. What is compatibility? Respect and trust for and successful dependence on the other sex, primarily made mutual by actions as perceived by men and words more than actions as perceived by women.

Whether gift of God or Nature, both sexes are born well prepared to be compatible living with a member of the opposite sex, and which both actually prefer to single life. But neither prepared nor preference is the same as dedicated.

Women prove their supreme importance; they are the worker bees. They generate and sustain compatibility. They keep its benefits aimed at relationship success. Men can’t, won’t, or don’t. Manly and even husbandly interests lie elsewhere until women show men the advantages available with womanly values and expectations about making the present brighter for their man and the future brighter for themselves.

Another phenomenon: We are all born to get our way associating with others. Taught early in a good childhood, we learn that letting others have their way can be in our own self-interest. Yielding to others signifies respect, trust, and mutual dependence and sits atop compatibility as both foundation and ingredients of love.

Another phenomenon: As people grow up, they differ over compatibility. Women pursue it, but men shy away. Men don’t instinctively know how to take it—beneficial, unfriendly, or women seeking to dominate? They question whether it fits into their anticipated roles in life. Men prefer not to yield their discretion to another without proof they will gain (competitive spirit, you know). Women apply feminine pressures to compensate and get men to live up to womanly expectations. It remains an antagonistic concept to men, however, until one woman sells one man on the concept. She successfully shows how living with her is best for him.

Another phenomenon: Self-interest is the universal motivator; we all live by the guidance it instinctively provides. Each child learns first hand or is instructed how to merge their priorities with the priorities of others who also seek to get their way. The result: We learn early in life that we face hopeless realities, suffer easy frustrations, and often want more than we get. Shortages promote frustration, initiative, and cooperation; they also provoke, determination, ambition, and competition.

As children develop and grow up, the sexes differ in their methods for getting their way with others. Males learn to utilize competition and relative competence with little regard for compatibility except with male friends. OTOH, females learn to focus on cooperation to build and sustain compatibility; first among their sex, then with males, and later within couples responsible to raise another generation.

Consequently, the more we get our way by having earned it, the more we deserve, and that’s how pecking orders develop in home, social and domestic arenas, and even on the job. We intuitively take care to see to our own interest first in support of getting our way with others. Wives and mothers know their self-interest includes care and consideration for their mate or child. Husbands and men must be taught those niceties of living together.

Another phenomenon: Without this balance-of-power phenom, one sex would have millennia ago been enslaved by the other. The balance comes from God blessing us with both a dominant and superior sex.

Obviously, males are dominant, because they act that way and the self-fulfilling prophecy confirms it. Far less obvious, seldom discussed, and acted upon too little for the self-fulfilling prophecy to confirm it, female is the superior gender. Not superior to overpower the dominance of men, but more competent in females getting their way with indirectness, patience, charm, and ability to outwit, outsmart, and outmaneuver their opponents, especially men (and daddy). Thus, women keep the power balanced or suffer the consequences.

Another phenomenon: Blame is the antithesis of womanly spirit of cooperation and toxic to compatibility. Consequently, bashing men or one’s husband accelerates the decline of precisely what women seek to generate or preserve. People don’t pursue or support that which puts them down. Put downs pressure men to recoup their rightness or dignity, and it is inconsistent with buy in of mutual respect, trust, dependence, and compatible life.

All those phenomena sit astride the path between men spreading seed and mothers raising future generations. They enable women to generate and maintain compatible relationships at both gender and couple levels. They enable the superior gender to lead the dominant gender out of the unpleasantness of single life. Recognized as unpleasant by women but not men, women have to sell men on a pleasant life without men knowing unpleasant. Dull or empty perhaps, but generally not unpleasant. It’s quite a challenge, but women are well-born prepared to do it.

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2597. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 8


Hank is still not home, and he yells at the steering wheel. “She’s a witch.” Then in lower tone, “How could she have known my plan before I start? It was a good plan. Conquer and take over. Steer the bus she thinks of as romance, and I now assert should be ‘let’s get under the covers’.”

He smiles as he recalls how she so ingeniously outwits him. It happened before, and always with her mellow charm that at the end makes him proud she can so delicately get her way.

The memory of that night stirs his admiration more than his ire. As he planned, they go to their favorite place for champagne and center their focus on the inner space of each other. They enjoy a short touch of romance with smiles, gentle touching, and he quietly mumble-sings a love ballad to her with many words missing. Just as he planned.

She marvels that he knows such an old melody. Then, with little notice, he becomes quiet and disengages his interest in her and the surroundings. Seemingly troubled, she inquires of his mindset.

“Titty on your mind?” His head spins, eyes flash as if angry, but then he smiles. “How did you know?” Her smile brightens, “It’s about time.”

She continues. “Honey, you’ve honored my desires about abstinence for many months. You’ve done it with lovable spirit and gentlemanly pleasantness. It has enabled our relationship to heat up and boil beautifully, while passion fades like steam rising from the bubbles.

“You have been great to keep passion under control, to not pressure me to give in, to respect my desire to be free of sexual pressures. I love you for it, darling, more than anyone else in my past. Few men could do what you’ve done. And so, I want to better define myself to you.

“You deserve what you are about to hear. You may run off, but that’s the price I must pay to be true to me first, you second, and us above all others.

“My life is no better than I make it for myself. You are an immense help, but you’re not inside me, at least not yet. Even if you were, it would weaken our mutual devotion, because it means I betray myself.

“My father raised me with this principle. I am what I accomplish, and not what I hope or intend. He gave me the push but no suggestions, and I graduated into the teen world with traditional girlhood hopes and dreams. The mistakes of my marriage convince me, it was the right goal before and the only way afterward.

“My hopes and dreams quite naturally centered on my knight on his white charger. If he will be that sterling for me, then I should be golden for him.

“Somewhere along the line, and no one had to tell me. Too young for girlhood hopes and dreams and I now know better, I concluded that virginal was golden. After my mistakes, I believe virtual virginity symbolizes golden in all the other matters of living with someone. In other words, I may be capable of sex, but I’m much more important and valuable as a mate well kept for it rather than because of it.

“I can’t let my feelings for my knight be bleached out by someone else. He won’t be all that sterling, and I won’t be all that golden, if I let it happen. A broken marriage taught me that.

“After my divorce, the dream returned. I merely had to figure what to call it, and I chose virtual virginity—meaning I abstain until rescued for keeps.

“My real life begins when I am swept into ‘keeperhood’ to perform as intended and for which I have prepared most of my life—mistakes aside. Consequently, I am undeserving of a good enough man, if I can’t do what I pledge to myself.

“You’re getting too close for me to lose, but my objective is not yet accomplished.

“You are becoming more likeable, well-armored, and sit tall enough in the saddle to qualify as the only knight at my round table. However, your armor doesn’t yet shine brightly enough. Your stallion appears hungry, his ribs show, and he needs a wash down.

“I would betray myself, if I told you how to shine armor and feed, wash, and put away your horse. If you don’t already know what you need to complete your life, you may not quality yet as my Mr. Good Enough.

“A touch of champagne, please. And would you sing to me again?”

 

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2596. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 7


Still driving home after proposing and taking Jenny home, he remembers their courtship. After many months and asleep at home, his life changes in one night. Just a normal nightmare, but the memory of it still rocks his comfort and ease about his life and future.

On an outing near a turbulent river and after a slight drizzle, he laughs as Jenny goofs around with a turtle atop a huge boulder near their picnic table. Suddenly, she slips and plunges into the torrent below. She doesn’t come up. Rushing toward her entry spot, he sees what happened clearly in a slow-motion, step-by-step flashback. She slips, feet and hips slide, head flies back to bang the rock; splash and submergence follow. The replay, worse than the event itself, redoubles his fear and magnifies his sense of possible loss.

He jumps in, fails to locate her, and exhausts his lungs before surfacing. Hopefully, he expects to find her swimming to shore, but he finds the same nothing he found inside the torrent. He is alone and downstream. No sign of her further down. Hopefully but fruitlessly he looks upstream. No Jenny. No one else nearby to help. Grabbing his head fearfully, he yells “Jennyyyyyyyy” as he breaks down, cries, and is swept further downstream amid anguish of what can he do now?

Flopping over quickly in bed, he realizes he just heard himself yell. It was real, and he moves to dry his eyes. Screw what the neighbors think they heard. Grabbing the phone, he calls her. She’s okay, but he pours out his remaining anxiety. Too sweaty to continue in bed, he showers again to drown the memory. Instead, it redirects his thoughts toward reality. What would he do had it been real? It prompts him to figure out some answers, for which he searches amid speculation and intermittent dozing for the next few hours.

Can I live without her? Can my life even be sane without her? Replaceable or irreplaceable? That is the question. But those are silly questions. Of course, I can live without her, even a sane life. But in every stretch of self-honesty, I would never choose that option. Surprising himself, he confesses; I strongly desire to live with her alone. Yes, to the exclusion of all others and my independence. Then chiding himself, where did that dreadful thought come from?

Can I sustain our relationship as is, or must I shift into dreadful mode and follow the golden princess to wherever marriage might take us? Can I do all she says we should do? Do I even want to? Will she accept and follow me and my ambitions? Of course, I don’t really know how she feels about marriage. She’s mysterious on the subject. Most women want it though; so how am I to know, unless I propose? Uh, oh! Not a good something to think about.

Can I accept withdrawing from life outside our relationship? Will I forego all other women? Give up my independence for making decisions? Those are tough calls, but…. Hardly pleasant thoughts, so I will think about them later.

But how can I live with her, if she won’t provide sex to check out our compatibility? Marriage? Shack up? Move in together? Sure, we can get a bigger apartment and merge our lives closer together. Talk her into that and sex will surely follow, won’t it?

We have talked often about sex, but only about the marriages of other people. I sense she wants marriage, but she never pushes or even suggests it as either an option or way to go. How come? I know she plans for the future, but she never mentions ours. She leaves it up to me? Why? What do I know about marriage and raising kids? Or does she think our relationship doesn’t qualify for a lifetime commitment? Her silence deafens me about matters I now realize are critical.

I recall when the term commitment came up. She said I am in charge of such things. The same when I mentioned not dating others. She is along for whatever ride I provide. She will do whatever pleases me. Don’t know if I care to take on that pressure.

Seldom done before and usually avoided, he goes deeper into introspection.

I appreciate her silence about marriage, but why would a woman not pursue her dream more assertively? Am I not the right guy for her? Is she just toying with me until she finds someone else? Does her behavior truly signify her love of me? Only me? Really? Any signs it’s not true? Is it really true that she seeks to join my bus ride into the future? Can I let her drive while I maintain the bus?

Surprising himself, he thinks:

Hell, I love her. She must love me. How much? Can I be sure? I wonder, could we live together? Would she? Probably not. What if I propose marriage? Would she accept or refuse? It’s the question of the day? How can I find out? I’m not about to propose, if the answer will be no. What is it lawyers say? Never ask the question if you don’t already know the answer.

Wait a minute, what am I doing toying with the idea of marriage? Am I ready?  I’m not ready. She may not be the best, although she sure looks it. How do I prove it? I want her but not unless it’s my decision. Not her praying and spreading feminine charm into my life while persuading me to accept a huge new responsibility. She’s great, but I don’t bend my principles or let girls determine my life, even the most gorgeous.

What if she changes after marriage? Does she want kids? How many? But, man, she sure is qualified to blend our lives, manage our kids, prepare my toast, and kiss me off to work. She’d be like Doris Day in the kitchen of my castle. I could even claim a tax dependent. Wow! There may benefits I’ve not uncovered.

Hank recovers with new plan.

Ah,ha! Okay, that’s it. Now I got it. If she loves and wants to marry me, she will let me in her panties. She will bend, yield, and learn to appreciate my sexual competencies. Don’t know how far she will go at the beginning of such ultra smooth pressure, but it’s time to get this love-fest in a higher gear. It’s been her game of friendship development so far. Hell, I favor friends with benefits. Why have I been so quiet and accommodating of her wishes? My new campaign begins now.  I shall conquer the driver of this bus, so she can take me where it’s deservedly beneficial to me too.

But what if she throws me under the bus? Can I recover? Yes, I can, so look out tomorrow, honey, I shall replace you to steer our bus on a new course.

Meanwhile, Jenny knows to expect it. Intuitively, she already prepares for his put-out-or-else campaign. Having privately studied and perfected her strategy of managing sexual aggressiveness and turning threats into friendly banter, she uses techniques to make the competition end up her way. Her sexual history proves this: When passion drives, relationships don’t thrive.

As always, she expects to have her way, and relationship survival is paramount. Until, that is, she decides how and when conquest will happen. Delay becomes more difficult every time they are together.

As she does for each get together with Hank, she anticipates another surprise. Always ready, she doesn’t know the next will reveal Hank as up-and-coming conqueror intent on ….

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2595. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 6


After he arrives home from fifth date, Hank wipes from his mirror, ‘Jenny, what does it take?’ Now he knows. If he wants her, he must earn her. Unsure just what that means, he determines to discover who she really is. The challenge inspires him. He figures direct inquiry and prying may not be best. Instead, he will feel her out by finding ways to please her. Unknown to both, he takes an early step toward developing his devotion.

Having wiped one sign, he promises himself the other sign will come down in no more than three weeks. He knows where he stands and now knows better what to say. He thinks, just you wait, baby, just you wait.

After saying good night by phone, their routine rituals intensify as nights pass and dreams magnify.  He imagines himself in bed and her entering it naked. He dreams of refining his competence and she joins him in pleasure.

Meanwhile, she too lies abed dreaming. She knows he would like her to first appear naked as if his sex slave, but she determines that he will see her as she wishes. After all, who’s driving this bus? She promises herself to approach the honeymoon bed in a gorgeously sheer, super feminine gown, smiling and smelling heavenly, and moving dramatically slow to demo with max effect that she has come to him. All the time visualizing bare-body togetherness wrapped in gentleness and intimacy she expects will follow.

Amid the fifth and sixth dates, their courtship emerges and they mutually understand unspoken promises. Two magnets turned face-to-face double their togetherness. The same happens with mutual attraction without mention of permanent or exclusive arrangement.

Actions confirm better; words can deceive. Men tend to avoid making the spoken promises that women seek to assuage fears of abandonment. Lack of verbal promises has two benefits. First, she can depend on his actions to reflect both truth and intensity of his feelings. Second, the absence of words to guide her causes very natural pressures for her to remain focused on his actions in the present, on his focus, on his life, and on the promises she sees therein. IOW, it helps keep her mind focused on him instead of her internal uncertainties.

Liking each other immensely, they yearn and arrange to spend even more time together. He doesn’t resist initiating new things to do, because she bows out and defers to his preference. He asks her less what she wants but tries to please her more with his imagination, affection, talent, skill, and competence.

He begins to widen their interests with more togetherness in new and unexpected ways. Crediting himself for great ideas, he fails to recognize that few are his. When he does become aware of what usually happens, his appreciation soars for her discernment. She is so smooth at it that he senses no challenge to his stature as leader of the team.

Never adding pressure, she hints, plants seeds, and otherwise lets him know what would please her; the purpose is to expand his devotion. Breakfast dates, comparing fast food favorites, chick flick movies, surprise picnics, celebrating special occasions, burgers and beer, visits with mutual and individual friends, fireside chats, centralizing competition in simple games, concert events, short trips using two bedrooms, reading favorite passages to each other, planning to travel someday, Sunday afternoon drives into the country, work outs together, swimming, avoiding TV except mutually favorite shows, reciprocating respect for the politics of each, dancing, Sunday church, library and museum visits. They stay busy together—within his limits of course—as she leads them toward more enjoyable times together. Laying around and doing nothing is undesired, except for picnics and other events planned for relaxation.

Many dates follow, their relationship blossoms, and she sees his devotion growing via the events just mentioned. He’s unaware that his actions to please her program his heart. He becomes so used to it that he enjoys it deeply, and soon it pleases him just to please her. He’s devoted to her and thoughts of exclusivity begin to surround her uniqueness. His interest in trusting her without doubt begins to develop.

He becomes bolder, dynamic in finding ways to relate well. She seems to go along for the ride, and he keeps expanding and embellishing the ride to please her. He is satisfied just to be with her, and she is happy in his presence. She learns to express a little of his dynamism by teasing him, but cautiously to see how far she can go.

He takes her for granted by seeking no special signs that she appreciates him, except for his persistent hinting that they should be having sex. She longs for an invitation to pledge their exclusiveness, but senses it’s the wrong thing for the moment. She figures that if dedicated exclusiveness with one another can be generated before they have sex, the more likely his faithfulness will carry over after they marry.

Her likeability eventually turns his interest into trusting her to be loyal to him exclusively. His trust and affection compound. His likeability turns her interest into trusting him to be loyal to her, and mutual bonding deepens. Without mentioning it, he presumes they have an exclusive association. Without admitting it, he senses that he loves her.

She starts to puzzle over his changed interest in sex. He acts horny, seeks more passionate moments. However, as previously, he steers himself away after she moves his hand or hints he is unwelcome to think that she weakens about lowering her standards. Still, something is different and she wonders.

Nevertheless he pushes more than before. He pumps her for details of her sexual history. Inquires about her marriage. Pries about boyfriends and other male friends. When she objects or refuses, he backs off. She figures he’s not satisfied, but he respects her sufficiently to stop prying. She respects him more than before, but she also knows he is not finished.

It’s puzzling. The more devoted he becomes, the more his resistance to harassing her about sex seems to fade. One would think the opposite; the more devoted, then the more gentle, understanding, and agreeable with her wishes. Not so, however.

The more devoted he becomes, the more he is due what he has deferred for so long. But it does not mean that his sexual aggressiveness emerges to plague her. He’s not above being slammed into an emotional upheaval too, and it begins ….

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2594. Conquering the Conqueror


At post 2593 Her Highness Beloved opened a subject about which women may want more exposure. How do men behave associating with women? The female nature senses what follows, but many women do not rely on their instincts.

In sync with courtesy and respectable introductions, on first and subsequent encounters, a man’s mind toys with thoughts of first time sex with each female. That is, those attractive enough for his taste and acceptable enough for what he thinks he deserves. (What he deserves is known to women only as his ego, aka the term that precedes blame and triggers the male psyche into attack mode as best defense.)

It’s his destiny to judge, instinctively measure her appeal to him, and appraise her for what it will take for him to bed her. Each gal who receives a favorable rating becomes a challenge. Men find self-admiration as they respond to challenges, and self-satisfaction as they overcome a gal’s resistance.

Each woman attractive enough to catch a man’s attention sparks his curiosity about her in bed, which stirs his imagination to think of her horizontally and waiting for him. Penetration is conquest; imagined penetration encourages and perhaps arouses him.

Ten, nine, and eight are great enough to mate. Seven, six, and five are at least alive. Four and below and he’s a no show. (Modern men rate women on another scale they call “crazy,” aka unsuitable for shack up or marriage and maybe not even suitable for conquest. It’s another story for another time.)

Men discriminate according to individual taste, preference, and ability to accomplish what they hope to conquer. But the nearer ten the woman, the more enthusiastic the man, and the more eagerly he will invest himself to get next to her and accomplish what he was created to do.

It’s the major part of the package we all receive at birth designed (or evolved) to perpetuate humankind. Men spread their seed liberally, mother-love raises the children that result, and life is all about women capturing men to help raise the next generation. That’s why we are all here, to fulfill God’s intent or Nature’s randomness.

What does it mean for women? His urge to conquer matches mother love in strength, longevity, and irresistible drive. While mother love and urge to conquer produce different effects, they are equivalent as the most powerful instincts in humans.

If women understood men better, they would not forego their individual roles as members of the superior gender; they would exploit it—but few know how.

Women are born with the relationship expertise necessary for mothers to civilize boys, teen girls to tame male adolescents, bachelorettes to shape ambitions toward marriage, and wives to domesticate husbands into good providers, guardians, and fathers. Females are born both interested and capable of it.

The thing that stands in their way is female unwillingness, exhausted patience, or frustrated motivation to conquer the male sex urge and control it in favor of a woman’s long range interests rather than short range pleasure.

At first encounter, two conquerors face off in the battle of the sexes. One seeks sex without obligation; the other seeks marriage before sex. There will be a winner but not necessarily a loser, and women have the most to say about the outcome.

In closing, women associate every day with hunter-conquerors in a multitude of situations. Each man’s conquering spirit is forever present. She is highly capable of mastering that spirit, if she but tries amid determination to win the battle. By doing so, she learns how to more often and effectively get her way instead of having to follow her man with little influence over their activities.

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, Fickle female, How she wins, marriage, sex differences