2461. Journey to Feminine — Part 13


The prevalence of doubt about Feminism in the social and domestic domains has energized much more thought of restoring feminine behavior. Feminine thinking and behavior guides women to make fewer mistakes dealing with men. So, this series continues to promote the feminine over the feminist.

  • The popular feminist attitude supports equal sharing of housekeeping and childcare responsibilities. Harsh female intentions to equalize workload weaken a man’s loyalty. Her likeability plummets and his love follows. Husbands resent, resist, and may retaliate against the friction caused in the expectation of marital equality. Most men don’t mind helping and cooperating, but they all recognize that equality is impossible to both achieve and sustain. Therefore, it has no place in their home; it’s not the wife so much as her politics.
  • Feminist-inspired women seem inept at winning the battle of the sexes. They face doubts or immense troubles whether trying to attract a good man, avoiding hit-and-run relationships, expecting a Mr. Right, screening for Mr. Good Enough, identifying worthless men before yielding sex, dodging the Manipulating Man, avoiding the violent man, capturing the Marrying Man, avoiding accumulation of troublesome ‘baggage’, buying into faithfulness, expecting to be loyal, avoiding the man’s game of shack up, living with a man for more than a few years, focusing on being likeable, growing into the right person to hold a man for life, and finding the right path that all women seek—the one to happiness.
  • Some even adopt stupid rationalizations: I can get pregnant to capture or hold a man. A married man is better than nothing. If we don’t cohabit, I’ll lose him. We’re great in bed, so he both loves me and can’t stay away from our great sex.

OTOH, a woman lives life with men or a man more successfully, when she lives it according to the feminine side of her female nature—so she favors maturity! She does not absolutely need a man, but she wants company or assistance at specific times in life—so she takes time! She wants a dependable relationship with someone stronger and perhaps more influential in shaping events that impact her and her children—so she generates patience! She wants help to brighten her future in a society dominated by catastrophes, powerful people, and unexpected events—so she judges carefully! She wants comfort in needy times and seeks companionship to prevent loneliness—so she sacrifices in the present to brighten her future! She particularly wants all those things by late in life—so she earns what she wants!

Feminist theory, dogma, and propaganda brought troublesome conditions to women dealing with men, and men have gained the upper hand. Male dominance continues to expand in sync with expansion of more sex as the standard female pursuit. Fortunately, mature women are beginning to see a brighter light in Femininity. More to follow.

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2460. Narcissistic/Codependent Marriage


Her Highness Femme raised questions about the narcissistic/codependent marriage? “Why is it so common these days, do you think? Has it always been around or is it a more recent phenomenon?”

It’s an effect that has always been around, because the cause has always been present. However, in our former old school culture the cause was much rarer. Society changed after the leftist revolutionaries brought us the cultural and sexual revolutions, and one result is more narcissistic adults and codependent marriages.

The cause is poor fathering and mothering. When the Baby Boomer generation jumped the cultural track to follow leftist politics, each of seven or eight generations* progressively weakened their ability to parent in the centuries-old traditional mold. Some may remember mottoes like ‘Don’t listen to anyone over thirty,’ which was propaganda aimed against parental leadership. Striking back against parental teaching and traditional values, each generation grew weaker at producing better adults.

Feminism accelerated the move into fashion and mothers especially developed child-raising techniques that work contrary to developing admirable adults.

As poorer kids and adults appeared in society, parents responded by trying to produce better kids, which they measured by how better the parents felt when the kids reflected credit on them. Then, kids started appearing as difficult and unmanageable; boys needful of Ritalin and girls victims of something of their own doing. It’s narrow but an accurate description of the path to narcissism and codependence.

You can see signs of the following in modern mothers. They over-manage to prevent independent play, over-train to make parents look good, over-supervise to prevent kids making mistakes, and over-dramatize their tiredness for having to do too much. Moms, in effect, cancel children’s ability to learn by themselves, to self-develop. They even award prizes for non-achievement, which is the ignorant and self-defeating practice aimed at improving self-esteem and which has the opposite effect. (Ignorant in that self-esteem can’t be upgraded but self-image is adversely affected.)

Momma is always close by and telling them what and what not to do. She insists on directing kids’ lives so that kids learn too little by themselves. Then, mom complains she’s overworked. She does too much for others to make her feel good about herself, but the process ruins kids for adulthood.

Kids have no responsibility placed on them except to be good kids and make the parents look good, responsible, and as over achievers. However, raised for that purpose, they become poor adults. Kids raised to be good adults—while parents absorb blame for all the embarrassing moments—become what parents and other adults hope to see.

Beginning when a child’s conscious mind opens in the third year of life, they become a self-developer and it lasts for life. That’s why people don’t want to be told HOW to do; they want to figure it out themselves. You can see it in toddlers, and it makes the popular technique of over-nurturing harmful to development.

What you see in the narcissistic/codependent marriage is adultolescents. They were denied self-development. They were always told HOW to live, eat, play, relate, dress, talk, not offend, be pleasant when it’s not felt, and do everything else according to parental directives. They were seldom encouraged to earn rewards and released to make and live with their mistakes. Without that development intent, they never learned that recovery is everything, which means they don’t know how to handle much in the way of adult matters.

When they passed through puberty, they lacked adult values, standards, and expectations, and their minds filled up with teenage pop culture values, standards, and expectations. Consequently, they don’t escape adolescence even though they are physically mature. What’s left wives see as narcissism and co-dependence in their mates. Sometimes husbands see that in their mates.

*I perceive a new generation when kids enter first grade and leave home for a time their own, so to speak. Their siblings six or seven years younger will live a sub-culture life very different in toys, music, attractions, values, standards, expectations, banter, chatter, terms, popular vocabulary, and friends. It makes each generation different from the previous, and society changes much more frequently than before prosperity enabled such explosive change.

 

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2459. Journey to Feminine — Part 12


We have heard for years that men are irresponsible, inadequate, and dysfunctional at helping fulfill female dreams. This post looks closer at the macro scale and ways to reverse the feminist disadvantages that interfere with women who seek a lifetime marriage.

  1. It’s natural. Women seek to regularly get their way. Under certain conditions men tend to go along. However, when women differ politically, men don’t go along and, when pushed, not even to get along. Feminists seek to get their way now; they’re willing to compete and rely on politics to win. Non-feminists aka feminine women seek to get their way someday, and they’re willing to cooperate now to keep their way open for resolution later in their favor.
  2. Women are not ignorant about men, but much of what they know is wrong. Feminism closes the female mind to understanding men and opens it to pressuring men toward feminist-think. Feminists seek to dominate men, which causes the female mind to surrender in favor of using politics and competition to get their way. Men, consequently, just turn off and look for freer sex offered as compensation by feminists.
  3. When their dominance is challenged in the modern home, men grow frustrated, angry, and their dominance strengthens. It fertilizes their natural reluctance that discourages them from staying long with one woman. OTOH, the feminine woman knows how to find another way to get her way.
  4. The end result of masculine-style sexual freedom for women is this. Men become more adroit at sexual hit and run, and women gain more experience living life as ex-girlfriend, -lover, -live in, or -wife. Feminine thought discourages thoughts of sexual freedom.
  5. The more that females exploit their sexual assets to conquer men, the more easily and certainly men will be lured away from their present girlfriend, lover, live in, or wife. Feminine-think discourages sex-think and promotes youth and beauty-think to reverse the feminist cause and effect.
  6. To follow social trends for greater sexual freedom, feminists drop the old school importance of fidelity to please their man. Females pursuing equal rights in unfaithfulness merely redouble the masculine effort to maintain inequality. Feminine-think discourages that cause and effect.
  7. Modern women compete with their man, and they usually lose. Women are endowed with a cooperative spirit, men with a competitive one. Men know the difference and guard their turf aggressively. Femininity enables women to get their way with cooperation.
  8. To loosen their conscience as governor of the soul, women discard Judeo-Christian morality. They give up old school respectability that civilizes and domesticates males. They live by new school moral relativism that breeds abuse and violence of men and women against others. It’s the opposite of femininity.
  9. To loosen up moral values, feminists five decades ago killed the social construct of the Lady. The death of gentlemanly respect and courtesies followed soon thereafter. Now, women turn toward Femininity as they desire to restore chivalrous, responsible, and gentlemanly behavior .
  10. Wives blame husbands for female miseries and fail to acknowledge how they treat it as one-way. Feminists defend such wives as ‘inexperienced’. Feminine women recognize that they also contribute and change themselves to avoid disaster before it strikes their relationship.

Modern women are beginning to sense that the feminist mindset produces the opposite of what they want out of life. They seem aware that the more non-feminist a woman acts, the more easily and accurately she reads the behavior of men relative to how they will treat her in the future. It also leads her to seldom err figuring out one man, which inspires her to learn even more about the male nature.

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2458. Journey to Feminine — Part 11


The most popular tactics that women have to pique a man’s curiosity, stir his imagination, and hold his interest come naturally to the feminine woman. Moreover, the tactics die in the presence of Feminism.

  • Her heart finds it easy to generate ladylike behavior and inspire it in others.
  • Feminine mystique takes a man’s focus off a single mother’s burdens, status, and expectations. Mystery expands his self-interest toward lifting burdens.
  • Modesty attracts men; its uniqueness creates its own mystique and slows a man’s high flying self-confidence.
  • Modest attire and manner shift male eyes from sex and onto her as a lady. It opens her role as woman and more than just a sex object.

Obeying her feminine heart more dynamically guides a woman. More easily she can bypass feminist-think and slip naturally into behaviors that present her best qualities when dealing with men. Such as these:

♣ Feminine women don’t permit masculine grossness in their presence on the basis that it dishonors female dignity. By defending her dignity, she earns manly respect, which is essential for a man’s love.

♣ Feminine women in principle don’t accept masculine-style sexual freedom as desirable female behavior. It turns love making into coarse primal urges. Expecting her to participate offends those who conscientiously expect to be treated as a lady.

♣ Feminine spirit avoids ‘getting in his face’. Avoidance protects a woman’s ability to win a man’s cooperation and shape his thoughts and behavior.

♣ Feminine women use their natural flexibility. It flows out of female soft-heartedness, mothering instinct, cooperative spirit, and other qualities. All of which is monitored by their inborn hard-headedness. A feminine woman appears that much more unique, because men lack that natural flexibility for identifying much less smoothing out the wrinkles of life.

♣ Feminine women expect no legal assistance to elevate women over men. They know how to overcome male dominance and promote male worthiness. Handling the remainder they face makes their gender superior.

♣ Feminine women keep the political, legal, and economic status of females out of the home. They know it can backfire into turmoil and damage a relationship.

♣ Feminine women know not to use anger and ridicule to put a man ‘in his place’. The proper place for her man is either alongside or pursuing her and not driven away with short temper or vengeful thoughts.

♣ Feminine woman energizes husband to keep his seed at home. Being neither sycophant nor slave, she respects his domination, expresses gratitude for who he is, and confirms with actions her dependence on what he does. She eagerly salutes his sense of significance and just as eager not to weaken his significance in bed.

♣ The feminine spirit makes women think less like men. They find solace in thinking of ‘you before me’ and ‘us before you or me’. Thus enabled, it encourages them to exploit their natural expertise for holding a man.

In addition to more freely yielding unmarried sex, feminist-think prompts younger women to make more fundamental mistakes dealing with men. We look at reversing that next.

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2457. Consequences of Rejection for Sex


Modern society works different than expected and directly against women. It produces certain motivations on all men and intolerable effects on some.

Old school. Most women seek marriage before sex. When a woman denies sex to the man, he doesn’t take rejection personally. He blames the rejectionist for moral, religious, or female hang-ups, and it assuages his ego. His self-esteem and self-image may take hits, but he recovers easily. He understands that each woman is in charge of sexual mores and her own assets, and his self-interest keeps him in pursuit until discouraged or he conquers her. Sex targets are normal and men pursue without taking rejection so personal they want to punish the unyielding.

New school. When most females provide free, open, and even casual sex with little or no commitment, males take rejection personally. A man knows she’s doing it with other guys but not him. Why just him? His self-esteem bottoms out. His self-image as a ‘good man’ with a woman dwindles. His ego takes a humongous hit after his imagination ruminates over each gal’s put-down. His self-interest shifts toward inflicting revenge.

Some males cannot recover from one and much less repeated refusals. Repeated rejections can spin boy or man toward awful revenge—think stalkers, school massacres, date rapists, serial rapists.

It’s easy to blame men; they are supposed to be civilized and women have no influence over them acting otherwise. It’s because women don’t know jack about Jack or enough about Jill.

Men are programmed at birth to accomplish things, and first time sex with attractive women ranks high among their ambitions. It’s their first call to order on this planet. Their prime motivation of self-admiration aims them at accomplishments, and attractive women are everywhere. Ambitions aim them at the possible. Conquests produce personal satisfaction, which is the equivalent of female happiness. The accumulation of satisfactions delivers a sense of significance, aka their ego, which women love to cite as basis for blame.

As with women, frustration over something vital can induce unusual and even strange behavior. In older times, requests for sex followed a lengthy date/courtship, a road that men had to pave even before they asked. Modern women have so few and low hurdles that men expect a quick dash to the bed. Hurdles knock down easily and road doesn’t need paving. Just gravel to fill mud holes caused by inconvenience.

I claim old school culture was superior to fulfill women’s ambitions for a lifelong marriage and family. But that’s not the purpose here.

Men possess two very different sex drives as described in 2423. The primary drive aims to conquer attractive females and move on to the next. The old school culture harnessed and tamed that drive to give women a better chance at marriage and family; men had to obligate themselves to achieve sexual conquest.

New school culture removes restrictions and men are free to elevate their most primitive but most urgent sex drive to hit and run. They don’t obligate themselves because women don’t require it. Marriage is both tougher to achieve and rougher to keep. Women like to blame men, but men are having none of it and their desire to marry grows weaker each year. As women go so goes society.

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2456. Men Expect This in Marriage


Perhaps this is why men are seen as simple beings. It compares how men are different at birth from what women criticize later in life.

He marries expecting that HIS marriage will be simple and thus good. He screens and tests her to be sure their life together will turn out to match his decision-making hopes. He has an inadequately defined short list of expectations for her. (However, it will grow later and lose simplicity when he sees things he can’t respect, like, or tolerate.)

A prospective bride can list and visualize dozens of clearly defined expectations to fulfill HER marriage. IOW, what she expects of husband to fulfill her hopes and dreams. Do you see a possibility for disconnect? He expects simple; she plots the opposite.

Most of what she expects, he doesn’t know are plans for him. She may explain a lot, but the details escape him. She over-prepares and he under-prepares. He’s mostly willing to step into his marital shoes, because he knows he can handle whatever she can’t. All will go well until it doesn’t. That’s how he faces the future or he wouldn’t play the game. Should something go wrong, he will deal with it if she can’t.

So, they marry and start living together with his expecting it to duplicate their courtship relationship. Her bright smiles and no complaints signify that she’s happy, or so he muses. Since happy is not a state that men seek, her smiles confirm that she’s satisfied. That must include him or she’d be complaining. She must have everything well in hand. For the most part she excludes him from everyday problems. He’s satisfied that she takes care of home while he takes care of outside the home. His satisfaction is the equivalent of her happiness that he measures by her satisfied smiles and lack of complaints.

So, he needn’t worry, he must be pleasing her, no reason to feel guilty, and all goes well. He expects it to continue forever. It’s the man’s view of how marriage works and succeeds.

It’s how things ought to be. His expectations are met and he’s free to continue with his daily goals that produce self-satisfaction. It’s what he expects from his marriage; she makes everything come out just fine.

On that basis, their process of marital compatibility continues when reinforced by her actions and supportive words. Since respect and trust are reciprocal, then her continuous smiles without complaint signify that she’s happy and it keeps this process in motion: 1) His trust reveals that she handles everything well, which signifies to her that he respects her. 2) His respect of her returns to him as her trust of him, which satisfies him that he accomplishes what he seeks. 3) His increased respect of her shows up as increased trust of her. 4) Her fear of being abandoned fades away as his respect and trust of her accumulate. 5) With less fear, anxiety moves aside, and she keeps her smiles in place and registers no or few complaints. 6) He satisfies himself that marriage was a good decision. 7) His satisfaction and trust empower her to harmonize home and relationship to suit her intentions. She’s free to pursue the happiness that won’t come to her fully until late in life when her girlhood hopes and dreams are realized.

And that, dear ladies, is the way men are hardwired to expect life with a woman. With that process in place, men go happily along with hopes and ego firmly rooted in having done the right thing to choose her and their love blossoms on the strength of her ability to simplify life together.

Now ladies, I know you object. The burden seems all on her. But you see, she’s born that way and so is he. She’s blessed with but he lacks all the talent and skills to make their life simple and therefore good to him. So, if she doesn’t, a happy lifetime marriage doesn’t get done.


P.S. One lady’s description of her experience draws this confirming picture. My thanks to Insanitybytes22:

“This was really well said. I remember when we were first married my husband would often protest, “I’m a simple man!” I had no idea what that even meant. He really did think all I needed to do was smile and not complain and all would be well in his world. Women aren’t like that at all, we are far more complex and involved in all the details of everyday life. So hubby would frustrate me no end, because he couldn’t understand that my life was not simple at all.

“It took a while, but over the years I learned that it really is that simple, he is pleased, happy, content if I simply smile and don’t complain. That’s all he needs. My life is certainly not simple, but pleasing my husband really is. We women have a tendency to try to do all these “things” and “stuff,” when in fact it often [is] the simplest of things that bring contentment to men. Once hubby became content, I was free to create my own contentment for myself and that’s when things began to get really good.”

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2455. — Blame and Complain Don’t Work and ‘Tired’ is Subtle


Again, I use hyperbole to describe the imperceptible effects of a wife routinely claiming tiredness. I make it appear worse than it probably is to more clearly describe the effects on the psyche of husband and her.

In no way do I claim that she isn’t tired—perhaps all the time—for whatever she blames (there’s that dirty word). I do claim it’s both mental and physical and, therefore, more easily defeated in order to preserve her composure, dignity, and enjoyment of life. Rejecting the term and doing something else also protects her marriage.

Subtle advantages accrue to wife and hidden advantages accrue to husband when she refuses to admit that she’s tired. Oh, she gets tired all right, but her feminine ability to intuitively turn her thoughts to something else are possible, practical, and beneficial.

When women get tired at job or home, they don’t stop doing what they intend to do. They finish the day’s work, change the baby, do the dishes, clean the house, do the laundry, tend to sick husband, call sick mother for an encouraging chat, and think through how they will handle tomorrow’s schedule and stresses. So, being tired doesn’t stop but it leaves them frustrated that they can’t do what’s needed more enjoyably—or even do more. IOW, they love their importance about what they do, but they wish their tiredness was less discouraging of enjoyment. Tired and enjoyment become mutually exclusive, but it needn’t be that way.

Wife claims to husband that she’s tired as she continues to cook, wash dishes, clean the house, or not do what husband wants to do. She may be looking for sympathy or recognition of her dedication.

Females nearby recognize her hard work and easily extend sympathy to her, but husband isn’t as eager. He may offer a pat on the head or tad of sympathy or even a helping hand, but it’s seldom enough.

Basically, men are not tuned to respond favorably to such complaints. If he’s tired, he does something about it. It’s the male nature. He instinctively takes a break to relieve it.

He doesn’t relate well with indirect pleas for sympathy or recognition. Rather than solicit thoughts and feelings from others, he takes a break that confirms his independent ability and avoids dependence on others. In short, he’s more an individualist and she is different.

Unintentionally and without knowing it, tired women discourage or guilt their  husbands. Whether she’s truly or just acting like a victim, someone else must be to blame for her working so long and hard, and he’s the most likely by his doing little to satisfy her. Probably unknown to her, but he receives “I’m tired” as he should feel guilty, which men arbitrarily reject. However, we can’t escape thoughts that enter our minds.

The mental side first. Here’s a model of what women are very capable of. They can do this reasonably easy. It fits their feminine nature to be mysterious about hidden abilities that lead to female success.

  1. The thought enters her mind that she’s terribly tired at the moment. At the first thought she shifts her thinking to find and remind herself of those or that for which she’s grateful. Big or little, hugely or conditionally grateful, she immediately begins counting her blessings. Then, she turns to doing something else to match her new thoughts.
  2. Husband comes quickly to mind. She has gratitude on her mind, loves to share it, and so she figures to please him. If for no other reason, she’s grateful for having him around. So, rather than focus on herself, she moves into action.
  3. Perhaps after finishing the dishes, she flops down in the den with him. During the next commercial, she speaks lovingly. “You know, honey, after a long (not tough or tiring) day, nothing rewards me better and comforts me more than you in bed where you do what you do best. I might even be more than just available if you’d tease me up a little bit first.” (Now we all know that she’s too tired for such action. But when she sets aside those thoughts of tired and begins to enjoy intimate possibilities with a husband inspired by her compliment that he’s good in bed and possibly more willing to please her, it can displace tiredness long enough to forget it. Sleep follows easily and tiredness fades or vice versa.)
  4. Another example: At the sink she feels tired. She stops, turns to husband and proposes they make love. He says no, not now. She says, okay. I’m going to shower and then come finish the dishes. She’s capable of independently changing her feelings, but it takes different actions than her current busyness. If he’s devoted or figures she deserves some sympathy, he may finish the dishes while she showers. Her new challenge: How to reward him for that kindness? (What he figures she needs motivates him more than what she tells him.)
  5. Another example: She’s very tired but they have to go out. The baby needs changing before they depart. She says, “Honey, have you noticed lately that the baby recognizes your face and smiles when you smile? He’s so cute when you tend to him. By the way, don’t let me forget to change him before we go.” Whether he takes the hint or not is immaterial. She got her thoughts off of being tired and her spirit is more enjoyable to baby and husband.
  6. There can even be simpler ways. Whatever changes her mind to think about anything other than tired. Anything. She can forget the word and the prospects for hurt feelings, if she can just focus on something else that she finds pleasant or rewarding. Gratitude for who she is and what she has is the best starting point.

These are more possibilities than certainties, but men are not like women. When wife claims of tiredness, husband may internally absorb one or more of these thoughts whether he responds to her or not. He thinks: 1) I must be to blame, but what am I supposed to do about it? I’m not expecting her to work that hard, not cracking any whip. 2) I’m expected to relieve her tiredness or do something else she wants to do? What? Let her tell me directly what she expects. 3) She wouldn’t be tired if she weren’t working so hard to please herself, she’s overly duty bound. But I can’t tell her that.

Another version starts with the old phrase, “Not tonight, honey, I’m too tired.” In which case he absorbs this message: “I guess I’m not the lover I think I am. If I were, she’d overlook tired because good sex is so therapeutic.”

Wife probably never intends for him to take her complaints that way. But over time they can accumulate negatively and can irritate sufficiently to offend. He absorbs reminders of his shortcomings and she loses some of her likeability.

Now for the physical side. Dehydration is a major cause of tiredness. Coffee and tea are diuretics. Soft drinks are laced with so much sugar that letdowns follow. Decaf and diet drinks are not good substitutes for water.

I have for many years followed a regimen of coffee and tea in the morning and at least three pints of tap water per day. I avoid ice—except iced tea—as it puts me under stress. Anytime I feel tired, I think dehydration. I immediately load up on at least two pints of tap water. (Two bottles after a 4-mile swim across Chesapeake Bay restored me so quickly I felt ready to swim back.) Escaping dehydration has never failed me. My tiredness shortly fades; I’m rejuvenated and my attitude changes totally away from tired.

Probably no one ever suspected that a woman’s habitual “I’m tired” could provoke disenchantment in a husband. But think about his hearing that complaint over and over for years. It probably contributes if other things tend to sour a marriage.

A better life awaits the wife who refuses to tolerate the terms exhausted and tired in her thoughts and speech. It’s simple with a new habit. With a little practice, she shifts her thoughts to something else until it become intuitive.

All of that above would not be worthy of addressing were it not for this conviction. When women work from a base of gratefulness, they can find endless alternatives that improve connections with a man and lead to their own happiness. The very term ‘tired’ discourages wives from both.

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