2743. Sexual Relations and the Male Mind


Not surprisingly, sexual relations affects a man’s mind very differently from the minds of women. We shall look at vaginal intercourse, cunnilingus, fellatio, and irregular forms as their effects apply to couples living together. (Players and singles are motivated by other interests, and so the following may or may not apply.)

For simplicity, allow me to reduce vaginal intercourse to two kinds as viewed by the female mind. Lovemaking at its most and least satisfying for women.

Most Satisfying. Vaginal intercourse preceded by enough foreplay and followed by intimate afterplay make a love object of a man’s woman, as she recognizes it. If done effectively to meet her expectations, she longs for more. It confirms her importance as mate and gratitude as love object—‘I’m still attractive and he loves me’.

Springing automatically from each urge to merge with his mate, a loving and knowledgeable man demonstrates his devotion, respect, and her worth. Life with her and satisfaction with himself combine to motivate him to do well. He seeks to please her for the sake of satisfying himself that she deserves his best effort doing what he promised her, his love. As his loyal and exclusive love interest, her naked presence energizes him to exploit his responsibility, do his duty and do it well. He recognizes that she alone is qualified to asses his performance. His actions confirm her importance to him, and she admires him for demonstrating it.

So long, that is, as her feedback in no way questions his techniques, competence, or results. Given negative feedback on such sensitive subjects, a man loses interest in his mate and seeks satisfaction elsewhere. If she doesn’t inspire him with her satisfaction, his lovemaking efforts diminish with loss of self-respect and her loyalty to him alone becomes suspect.

The more time he devotes to each event, especially post-coital holding, the more likely he gets better and she appreciates his prowess. His likeability in her eyes for gently playing with her body energizes him to spend more time at it. The more sincerely enjoyable to her, the greater his inspiration to keep her that way. Any lack of her enjoyment drives a man to take short cuts, be more efficient and usually leads to less foreplay, afterplay, and intimate holding.

For the same unselfish reasons, a man performs cunnilingus and reinforces in her mind that he treasures her. His giving of himself out of respect and love to please her is the direct opposite of her giving fellatio, shown below.

Least Satisfying. Not all men are in relationships that inspire and motivate such extensive and satisfying lovemaking. Not all women know how to cultivate that mindset in themselves and their mate. So, let’s ignore any shortened versions of lovemaking and presume vaginal intercourse alone as the only other option that prevails between mates.

For the woman, the least satisfying vaginal intercourse comes when the man pleases himself with little or no regard for pleasing her. Foreplay, afterplay, and intimacy are weak or missing. His duty is to himself and he selfishly fulfills it. Poke, come, and go! If she’s pleasured too, it’s a bonus. The effect on the male mind confirms that she’s useful but not necessary to keep around.

OTOH, the attractions that keep a couple together are enshrouded in the connections, comforts, pleasantries, and compatible practices embedded in the most satisfying version of vaginal intercourse above.

Fellatio and irregular forms of sexual relations reduce women to under appreciated sex objects. Many men come to prefer the symbol of their dominance to providing satisfying vaginal intercourse. That is, fellatio outranks intercourse in the hearts of some men, especially the control-types.

Women victimized by fellatio and irregular forms yearn for but can find little or no manly respect. They become subjects of selfishly inspired male dominance; fellatio confirms a man’s worth as dominator. It is the ultimate confirmation that she’s dominated in matters of importance to her man. Trying to get her way with him, she finds that her ideas and suggestions have less merit than before she gave fellatio.

In law, penetration is sufficient to prove rape. In relationships, penetration of mouth is sufficient to prove dominance. In dominance, those looked down on and made submissive are not respected very highly. Those dominated in marriage face this. Imbalance in mutual respect leads to incompatibility, which leads to a dissatisfied wife and a man made more prone to infidelity.

The minds of both sexes are impacted and shaped by sexual relations. The most satisfying vaginal intercourse satisfies women. The least satisfying for women mostly affects the male ego. Fellatio and other forms turn women into victims of male dominance. Not so much what women do as to the effect it has on the male mind; that of not respecting those they dominate. And a man’s love is first founded on respect, or his love doesn’t develop fully.

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2742. Life Made Simpler for Women — 12


  1. Inside a couple, porno-ific sex adds desire for new ways, different adventures. His respect of her fades with each new adventure. Unbalanced mutual respect sooner or later breeds incompatibility.
  2. Both sexes are born to get their way, which makes competition the most common motivator in human life. The male nature inspires men to avoid losing to weaker competitors. Sensing it instinctively, women naturally promote cooperation and collaboration to more easily get their way.
  3. Modern women seek to get their way in the present, the domain of the dominant sex. A well-favored method ridicules the man who imposes his way against hers. Ridicule reflects disrespect for him, which reinforces competition, which renews the urge for women to save face, which raises more competition.
  4. Both sexes are born to be compatible with a mate. Men have the ability, but only the woman has the relationship expertise to generate and maintain it.
  5. A man’s prime mission in life is to satisfy himself with himself. It’s the foundation on which a woman produces a compatible relationship. Provided she defers conquest, of course, so she can hold his attention long enough for devotion to develop.
  6. It’s a major part of keeping himself satisfied with himself. A man needs a place to flop, eat, throw his things, get some R&R, and prepare face his dragons tomorrow. If one woman won’t help, he finds another or lives alone.
  7. Mystery surrounds the male nature, intrigue surrounds how men act, and trickery surrounds the words that hunter-conquerors use to simplify conquest. Keeping her legs crossed enables a woman to unravel the mystery, decipher intrigue, recognize trickery, and decide how to proceed with each guy.

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2741. God’s Gift of Independence


I couldn’t resist an independence theme today. We celebrate a fantastic accomplishment, the likes of which have never been repeated. It’s a great reason to celebrate.

Pardon my hubris but we should also celebrate this: God—or Mother Nature if you insist—designed humans with relationship foundations and abilities for couples to live together. That is, mate up for life. He put one sex more in charge for reasons not so clearly understood.

Born with genetic and hormonal endowments unique to both sex and individual, each person is born independently according to the individuals they will become. Each born able to choose one’s path of life. Each born with the primal urge to develop into what they want to become; what they need to fulfill their ambitions for life among others. Each born independent for using free will and self-centeredness to motivate endless pursuit of self-interest. Each born independent enough to satisfy a God-given urge to get their own way. Infants cry to be fed or cleaned. Toddlers face off against adults until they learn to be more circumspect. Adults compete inside and across gender lines.

All of those features and motivational forces merge together in individuals and turn human interaction into a competitive marketplace. It’s where the sexes become individually responsible to make themselves compatible and burdened to find and keep a mate. It’s the marketplace where independence is sacrificed to join up as a mutually dependent couple.

Much of that above energizes more competition than cooperation, more battle scars than collaboration, less compatibility and magnetic togetherness than required to mate successfully. Yet one sex is responsible for success as couple.

Male is the dominant gender and men rely on dominance or its reflection to get their way. When  pushed, frustrated, or in fear of losing, physical and mental abuse are readily available. A man usually lives within that model but inevitably the other gender resents dealing with it. Sex differences from birth enable a woman to checkmate her man’s tendency to be aggressive. Therein resides the woman’s dilemma, when to appreciate his dominant spirit and how to discourage its use against her interests?

Women work diligently to convince men that cooperation and collaboration are superior to competition; at least dealing with females and in coupledom. They also know the how of it. A woman—mother, granny, teen, fiancée, wife— weans boy and man from aggressive options.

However, women seldom understand this little collaborative theme. To buy into what a woman expects out of him, either boy or man has to end up satisfied with himself; both before he grows up and after they mate up and settle into life together. It’s his main mission in life: Satisfy himself with who he is as individual and what he does through his independence.

The faithful opposition flying in the face of the dominant gender is superior by virtue of each woman’s relationship expertise. Females inherit the ability to generate and govern a couple’s life together and do it to the satisfaction of the man’s sense of who he is and what he does.

She doesn’t have to please him all the time, or be perfect in her attentiveness; she only has to keep him satisfied with himself. The latter impresses him with her expertise; the former too easily lets her slip into frustration or desperation when extra striving to please doesn’t work as she expects.

At birth men inherit only the ability; they have to be taught what women are after and, even more radically, sold on the idea that two live better than one. It’s a female-to-male sales job in the social marketplace. Yet and to the contrary, women have to avoid the seller’s role if they hope to keep a man. If individual men can’t sell well enough for a woman to buy into one of them for her future, that man’s just not good enough for her.

OTOH, at birth females inherit the incentive and inspiration to convert their attractiveness into courtship presentation and negotiation that inspire a man with desire for compatible togetherness. It’s only the bait, however. The hook remains with her ability to let a man discover how important she can be in his life that will shortly reveal his independence to be fading.

The primal want of men is for freedom to make and follow their own decisions, basic independence. The kind of freedom awarded by unalienable rights from “Nature’s God” as thought through by the signers of the Declaration of Independence.

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2740. Disclosure Drowns Her Mystique — II


Via another media to me, a lady asked for my input about this quote.

“Btw, Sir Guy, there is some dating advice out there that says that in order to connect deeply with a man’s heart we need to show our vulnerable side…our feelings. Men live in their heads so to connect with their hearts they need a woman who is connected to hers. We are supposed to speak in ‘feeling messages’ like ‘that film made me feel really nostalgic” – etc. What is your take on this?”

Section I — My response that it is garbage is posted at 2739.

Section II

The lady who sent “connect deeply with a man’s heart” got the idea at a dating website. It’s aimed politically, fashioned out of feminist propaganda as dating advice, and used to loosen moral values and lower standards. Women should never think they can connect that way. It misleads and is more imagination than reality regardless of the feelings they disclose to a man.

The way to a man’s heart is through his mind. Once he believes something deeply in his mind, his heart absorbs it. New beliefs inspire new actions, but much time can pass before his beliefs match his various ambitions.

Example: Just loving a woman does not inspire him to religiously, frequently, and routinely show it. Men are different. Unlike women, a man’s love is not the ultimate motivator in his life. So, it’s natural that women never hear enough of their man’s love.

The way into a man’s mind is this. He converts a woman’s indirect actions and patient attitude into something he wants to believe. He figures her out more than he believes direct expressions of her opinions and expectations.

Indirectly, she hints and plants seeds that reveal she’s thinking of the future. It makes her easier to believe than imposing her ideas, opinions, and expectations in the present. By yielding the present to him and making time work for her, he sees or imagines actions that add credibility to his beliefs about her.

As his beliefs grow and solidify, they slip gently into his heart. His belief in her likeability, loyalty, and his devotion to her, and it all slips into his heart. His love of her emerges to his mind, although he is probably reluctant to express it.

If he is being sincere, a young man is reluctant to talk about what’s in his heart. It forces women to judge him more by what he does than what he says. As he lives awhile with a woman or as he ages, it becomes much easier to reveal his heart. It’s another reason women are endowed with so much patience, hope, and self-gratitude. Their major rewards for having lived a good life come late in life.

In the final analysis, women not only can’t connect directly with a man’s heart, they have immense problems just trying to uncover what resides there.

An exception exists but few women uncover it. It reveals itself over the years as a good wife becomes a great woman. So great, in fact, husband’s devotion magnifies productively in favor of both her and their life together.

He’s satisfied with who he is and what he does to promote her mental well-being and their marriage. He’s also mystified by how she has become a femininely smooth but internally tough woman who is extremely satisfying to him and gratified with herself. Her super willingness to share her love spikes the punch bowl of harmony. She injects widespread respect and gratitude throughout her nest, the relationships she governs, and their marriage for which he holds himself responsible; she makes him appear very successful.

It takes that kind of wife for husband to transmute lovable thoughts into deep heartfelt emotions. With little apparent effort over the passing years, she seals his life in a complimentary cocoon spun with love, aka respect and gratitude. Only a very good woman can earn the pleasure of seeing her man so pleased with her that he acknowledges proudly that he is the product of her doing. (Or perhaps undoing if he was in need of some kind of makeover and drinking comes to mind.)

Now that, ladies, is what it takes to energize the deepest part of a man’s heart. She should be too modest to ever claim it, but he is eager to give her all the credit for who he has become. Wife has significantly helped upgrade his self-respect to the extent that he brags in public about the credit due her.

No man is luckier, no woman is pluckier. All she did was maximize what God gave her: determination to be compatible, courage to live by her heart, fortitude to get her way, pluck to preserve her mystery and modesty, expertise to manage relationships to work for her benefit, and flexible ability to keep him satisfied with who and what he is and has become.

It became her one-woman show, and she got both her way and reward late in life. She accepts her grandchildren in lieu of curtain call.

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2739. Disclosure Drowns Her Mystique — I


In another media, a lady inquired on a subject that could stand refreshment.

“Btw, Sir Guy, there is some dating advice out there that says that in order to connect deeply with a man’s heart we need to show our vulnerable side…our feelings. Men live in their heads so to connect with their hearts they need a woman who is connected to hers. We are supposed to speak in ‘feeling messages’ like ‘that film made me feel really nostalgic” – etc. What is your take on this?” (Error in the bolded phrase is described in Section II.)

Section I

My take? Good women beware! It’s garbage for the long range future of a woman. First, it’s not likely to get much out of men. Second, men don’t appreciate unearned gifts, so she’s not helping herself.

Sharing one’s emotions is just a shortened version of full disclosure. More importantly, it’s a feminist technique to shorten the road to bed with a man who’s not pursuing or approaching conquest fast enough. She’s anxious to have sex with him; why is he so slow?

If a woman has any of the following hopes or wishes unloading and expecting him to match her level of emotional disclosure, it defeats her expectation.

  • She’s hard-to-get and intends to use it to screen men better for good enough qualifications.
  • She’s interested primarily in a long term relationship, hopefully married with enough kids to satisfy her later with grandchildren.
  • She has a hard time believing what men have to say about themselves, and so she wants to associate with one for a longer time before she commits much of herself.
  • She feels comfortable when other don’t know what and who she is or is all about. IOW, she has agendas that she wants to keep personal until she’s married or nearly so.
  • She expects to get her way later in life negotiating two-sided decisions in a compatible relationship.
  • She expects not to be dominated by a strong-willed man who refuses to respect her inputs for marital decisions.
  • She expects to compete with a man before marriage in order to make sure that she knows who he is and what to expect before she accepts his proposal.
  • She expects to reserve her cooperative spirit until they are married. She expects to get her way before that.

Men neither think nor act as women do in emotional matters. More importantly, when a man knows a woman’s emotional makeup, he can imagine her reactions to his initiatives. That is, he can get inside her heart and mind to please himself, know what red flags to avoid for the present, how more easily to cover his mistakes, hide his ultimate intentions, give her the words she likes to hear, and otherwise fulfill his various agendas that work to her disadvantage.

 

NOTE: Full disclosure was covered at post 383 as contrary to hard-to-get.

Section II tomorrow at 2740.

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2738. Back to Basics for Back to Basics — Part D


Your Highness Back to Basics,

I’m grateful you stimulated so many hours of work that generated new material. Also, your other comments reflect womanly superbness. Generating deep mutual respect is one of the finer ways that women share their love. The world needs more like you (remind hubby, etc.). Thanks for making this series memorable for me, although perhaps less so for women; especially what follows below.

Nevertheless, I’m anti-boredom bound to finalize my response to your original comment at 2728.

Your intriguing statements include this bolded sentence. “And believing your man thought other females marvelous attractions… while he enjoyed you mostly for your personality….”

Part C at 2737 addressed “marvelous attractions.” The personality issue follows and the context rings this bell. A woman expects to be appreciated for her attractiveness at home and not just for her personality. It’s a natural female sensitivity and expectation, but the dilemma is caused by a natural characteristic embedded in her man’s primary sex drive to conquer attractive women.

Remember: 1) The following is based on how people are born rather than how they live based on both nature and lessons learned in life. 2) Recovery is everything. The more the one attempting recovery moves toward how they are born, the better things work out.

The attractive-personality dilemma emerges out of conquest, which releases the urgency that men possess before first sex together. Her attractiveness becomes less noticeable and his urge immediately shifts on penetration to his secondary drive for frequent and convenient sex. It’s how men are naturally motivated to deal with first sex together.

Her sex appeal diminishes in any conqueror’s eyes. Not her fault, when men are born that way. After yielding first time, sex and attractiveness no longer preoccupy his mind with the same intensity and dedication as before. He undergoes several other changes too, but that’s another story.

Feminine attractiveness attracts a man mostly for sex, but sex does not bond men as it does women. So, the conquered woman will be disappointed who expects sex or her attractiveness to keep a man at her side. After conquest or marriage, beauty is more a bonus than a keeper.

For example, a reader, Some Other Guy, exemplifies the male nature this way. “I married a woman that was #120. I will always subconsciously be comparing her to the #120. This is my anchor point. I would be lying if I said gaining a lot of weight was unimportant. At some point it becomes a deal breaker.”

You ladies may not care to do it. But look back and review your experience with those men to whom you yielded first time sex together. Did he pay as much close and complimentary attention to your beauty and body after conquest as before? Did you notice other changes in him, unless you were a keeper and he was devoted to you?

Attractive but unconquered women are unique. Men sense unconquered as attractive lure, the finest bait. Females can’t change the primal urge, but they can discourage conquest. As in old school, ladies can make conquest culturally improper, mothers can civilize boys against it, teen girls can tame conquering techniques, and each woman can inspire her man to refrain from fulfilling his urges.

Men follow when women lead with relationship expertise that overwhelms the male urge to dominate excessively, pursue someone else, or both. A woman keeps her future brighter, when she lets him rule the roost, while she rules the rooster. (Recall the neck-to-head analogy in My Big Fat Greek Wedding?) It’s the province of women to quiet the male urge for someone else, but the road paved with blame and accusation goes to Incompatibility.

The road to Compatibility, however, is paved with this. He’s satisfied with who she is, what she does, and living with her. All of which confirm his satisfaction that he married well, which confirms the rightness of satisfying himself by marrying her. Life with her is better than it would be living by himself or someone else, or so he’s satisfied.

That is inborn male-think, for which women are quick to blame, because they lack understanding that men inherit that attitude as birthright. A man’s primary mission in life is to keep himself satisfied with himself; even the best of mates comes in second to it.

When a man keeps a woman for his own, he highly values her virtues, although he expects her to maintain what beauty she had as a bride. Aging is expected and acceptable. It’s difficult to keep himself satisfied, if his bride appears as someone he probably would not have married.

A woman who think she loses her attractiveness some way or other should be glad her man pays attention to personality. It and her loyalty may be all she has left of her likeability, two of the most vital ingredients in a man’s love.

Guy

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2737. Back to Basics for Back to Basics — Part C


Your Highness Back to Basics,

I continue my response to your comment at 2728. I explain the male nature that causes so much roughness for women dealing with men. I believe the knowledge imparted below can relieve a lot of angst that leads to female unhappiness. It’s more complex than your view of how women think. It may or may not be of personal interest.

Your intriguing statements include this bolded sentence. The context is complaint. “And believing your man thought other females marvelous attractions… while he enjoyed you mostly for your personality….” That is, men are no darn good because they enjoy looking at other women and not appreciating the attractiveness they have at home. I address it in two sections: “marvelous attractions” here.

Men enjoy the marvels of female attractions because they have two sex drives. Their primary drive is the lifelong urge to have first-time sex with attractive women that permit it, aka conquest, and often referred to as spreading their seed.

From time immemorial women have complained about that natural urge. Modern women blame and complain about it, but either God or Nature did it. OTOH, and modern women seem to ignore this, God or Nature empowered women to conquer that male drive. Many women over the centuries mastered the art, and old school American women standardized the practice.

Highly different from males at birth, females are blessed with the relationship expertise required to civilize and tame men such that they devote themselves to one woman. It’s a skill set that requires knowledge of both the female and male natures and more than a little practice. Men lack that expertise, and so relationship building and management—more indirect than direct, more patient than impulsive, more sacrifice than selfish—devolves to women or it doesn’t go well or last very long.

Women should practice endlessly on all men with the male nature in mind. He has: need for a place to flop, throw his things, get some R&R, and prepare to face tomorrow’s competitors; drive to shape results by competing against men and Mother Nature and keeping himself satisfied with his accomplishments; want of freedom to do as he chooses and especially make himself stand out among others as successful competitor, as a person of significance; fear of insignificance; ability to give of himself to those who help keep himself satisfied with who he is and what he does; two sex drives as described above and below this point; and belief that he’s handy. Women differ on all counts (Part B, post 2736)

A man’s secondary sex drive is to satisfy himself with frequent and convenient sex. Two separate drives and both keep a man’s focus on beauty and sex; attractiveness and sex are inseparable to the male mind.

However, after a couple’s first sex together, her beauty plays a different role in their relationship. Sex does not bond a man and with attractiveness attached, she appears to lose value from less notice. It’s not her; it’s his nature.

Unconquered attractive women have a larger magnetic effect in male eyeballs, which makes a man’s loyalty reasonably easy to shift from one to another. A woman’s likeability and virtues—feminine qualities a man admires—are needed to keep a conqueror or husband from disappearing after a one-night stand, some dating, or even years of marriage.

If he’s unsatisfied with himself being with her, she’s temporary and perhaps dumped without notice. It burdens women to use their relationship expertise to help their man find satisfaction with himself by associating exclusively with her.

Women are born with ability to make themselves more magnetic to a man, to compensate and overcome male uniqueness with inborn and uniquely feminine expertise for generating successful relationships. The female nature is very capable of discouraging a man from exploiting his conquering hopes and dreams. It requires that females make their own sex drive useful and influential first, enjoyable and pleasurable later. (Women interested in exploiting their relationship expertise may find guidance in the Virtual Virginity series listed in the CONTENTS page.)

There is another side of male nature that leads women to wrongful conclusions. Unlike women, men are hunter-conquerors. Critical to well-being, their peripheral vision catches motion to assess it as prey or threat. It’s an unconscious reaction normal to the male nature. Although sexual ability declines with age, the primal urge to conquer doesn’t. A man glances at what’s passing most of his life. (Just a glance is not a red flag. If he stares at a retreating female body in her presence, it’s a minor problem and her accusations shift it to major.)

Yes, men are attracted to other women and always will be. With her free will, each woman has the ability to accept it as natural and compensate in other ways. Specifically, find self-gratitude in keeping herself attractive anyway, make her man grateful to have her, and help keep him pleased with himself. It’s the smothering blanket for a good relationship.

Sex and her attractiveness play minor roles in making this arrangement permanent. After they marry, he’s responsible for the marriage and present-day happenings. She governs their relationship and future expectations. But that’s another story for another time and place.

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