2275. He Married Over His Head


I described a man married over his head as a man being made better by his wife. Her Highness Cinnamon at 2270 asked for examples of how it’s done. Her Highness Surfercajun responded with a great list and it deserves to be re-posted here with some that I add. Notice that wife is in charge of his becoming a better man; otherwise men have little incentive.

  1. She raises his morality.
  2. Encourages him in whatever he wants to do (aka sink his teeth in… whether it is a new diet, tests for better hiring abilities on his resume, or a goal set).
  3. Brings him up when rest of the world beats him down, she lifts him up.
  4. Makes him laugh.
  5. She is not like all the others… she is special …she is his sunshine
    (I always hear John Denver singing).
  6. Makes him want to be a better person.
  7. She praises him on his child rearing skills on how he handled a situation.

To which I add:

  1. She ignites his conscience as a good husband by influencing his heart to find the Lord and basing his life on love.
  2. She indirectly finds multiple ways to subtly reward him for doing things that are right for their relationship.
  3. She can find connections to highlight even his routine accomplishments as vital to the enjoyment of her life.
  4. She doesn’t begrudge his being honored.
  5. She keeps his spirits uplifted with plenty of her smiles and grateful attitude.
  6. She doesn’t frustrate or disappoint his sex drive without reason that he accepts as good or at least okay—and not even that repeatedly.
  7. She focuses more on his well-being rather than her own, knowing full well that if dad ain’t happy, no one is happy. (Yes, that’s right. The similar saying about momma ain’t happy may seem great for kids but it diminishes respect for husband, which discourages him from wanting to be home and thereby less a better man.)
  8. She establishes standards in the home that uplift family respect for him. Examples: He’s served first at the table. He excuses children from the table. He doesn’t have to wait on anyone when they are departing. His chair is his chair. When dad speaks, everyone stops to listen.
  9. She routinely confirms that he’s chairman of the board and chief executive officer and that kind of respect is automatically due him.
  10. She enables him to recognize and pleasingly accept that as wife she reports to him but as mother she’s primarily responsible to and for her children and secondarily to him.
  11. With great subtlety and indirectness she lets him see that his selfishness and intolerance undermine her harmonizing the home.
  12. With subtlety and indirectness she teaches him to let her have her way in managing the household and children.
  13. She disciplines the children without husband/father/mate’s help. He’s her backup and the less he’s called on, the more effective she becomes. Even children prefer and do better with one boss instead of two. They also understand at a young age that bosses have their boss.
  14. As far as husband can see, she values him above all others including their children. Her heart is balanced such that her natural predisposition to favor her children is not evident to him. (He knows he can’t compete against mother-love, he’s not number one in her heart, but he expects to be treated as if he is. He paid for that with his independence.)
  15. She doesn’t interfere with his job relationships. She trusts that he knows best, since she doesn’t know the players or pressures at his work site.
  16. She isn’t super-serious all the time or out to please herself with the urge to always be perfect.
  17. She unconditionally trusts him to do what’s best for their relationship. When it seems that he doesn’t, she respectfully and gently gives him opportunity to explain rather than accusing or criticizing.
  18. She doesn’t nag or criticize him but uses hints, seed planting, and other indirect techniques to help him discover that he wronged her and much prefers to please her.
  19. She makes keeping his devotion the number one relationship mission in their life together. She knows her life moves toward empty as he withdraws from trying to please her.

In the final analysis and provided she’s a good person, moral woman, and knows she deserves such a man, his willingness to please himself by pleasing her is what makes him a better man.

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2274. Compatibility Axioms #911-920


911. a) If they marry, how can he assess the likelihood that she will be faithful? b) What should arouse his suspicions? c) Who and how many men got there before he did? d) How should he react when encountering men who have laid with her? e) How will she react when encountering them again? f) How will he compare sexually with them and her ex-husband? g) Any sexual attractiveness remaining with ex-husband or others?* He considers her sexual history the best source for figuring out such things. The less trustful his character, the more intense to learn her past.

*Note: He’s concerned more with lingering physical than emotional attraction that women worry more about. [302.]

912. Feminine intuition tops full-disclosure of her sexual history. While not easy, women have the skills and expertise to hide who, what, when, where, why, and how of what he doesn’t already know.  So, “have to” isn’t a sound reason for full-disclosure. [302.]

913. Former relationships may be known to her man, but no mention should EVER be made or details disclosed even about ex-husbands. It’s taboo if her previous relationships are not totally forgotten by her. Unfortunately, he won’t forget although he can forgive. Whether sincere or claimed forgiveness depends on his character? [302.]

914. Wise women plan and minimize disclosure of their sexual history long before new relationships begin. By planning to treat all men alike, she conditions her thinking to not go off the deep end of infatuation. [302.]

915. When a woman concludes that men are only after one thing, she thinks insufficient all else she has to offer, which makes her a poor candidate for marriage. [306]

916. Women generate unhappiness this way. She focuses negatively on her man’s shortcomings, which worsen precisely because of her attentions to them. [306]

917. Booty call: The screwing she gets for the screwing he gets. Duty sluthood costs her much more male respect that she can ever imagine. [306]

918. College girls major in booty for reasons incomprehensible to any father. [306]

919. Capturing a man is easy. Keeping one is not. The burden is on her. Her nature seeks togetherness and his seeks independence. Sex is always insufficient to end his independence. [306]

920. Virgin girls believe they won’t get dumped if they yield. Actually to men, the more his buds have tried and failed, the easier she is to dump. Unless he’s really into her other strengths and attributes, which isn’t evident until after many months of dating have passed with him fascinated by her person and womanly demeanor. [306]

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2273. Compatibility Axioms #901-910


901. Long before the wedding date, commitment to marital spending, financial decision-making, and ultimate success ranks as highly as commitment to each other. [301]

902. Budgeting generates good self-discipline to overcome and minimize the effects of bad habits. New habits can put mind over money instead of plastic over mind. [301]

903. If you can’t budget, you can’t plan effectively. There is no better way to budget than whatever way you choose that keeps spending below income and makes savings a lifetime commitment. [301]

904. This shows respect for your spouse. Commit to stop, slow, or compensate for impulse buying, compulsive shopping, and immediate gratification. [301]

905. Reward yourself inexpensively every time you avoid a big purchase or an unplanned big expense. [301]

906. Financial success comes not from how much you have but from control of spending.

907. Rewarding yourself inspires and reinforces new habits. Do it for staying within budget, not having to pay credit card interest, and meeting your saving goals. [301]

908. Devote yourself to your spouse by not overspending in your domain of responsibility. [301]

909. It’s her faulty reasoning. She seeks a man’s empathy or sympathy about her ex. Whatever she gains will be lost as he ponders about or imagines her sex with ex. [302.]

910. Uncovering her sexual history is masculine due diligence. Men want to know but the less they know the better and none is highly desired. [302.]

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2272. Wives Used to Shape American Society


Men settled America coast to coast but wives civilized it by coaching their husbands to make society more and more female friendly. Single women had little influence and single men had little interest in what wives sought.

Women can exploit their adaptability and survivability and exploit their superior gender as long as men don’t have to hear about it. Women use their natural patience, indirectness, guile, cooperative spirit, and their respect and ability to admire men in order to indirectly dominate values, standards, and expectations. It works as long as men aren’t reminded or forced to acknowledge someone else may be influencing what they do outside the home.

However, that’s why women are so differently designed by God, endowed by Nature, and empowered by hormones to be responsible for compatibility. It’s they who have the wherewithal to make the mutual loving and mating process more agreeable than contestable, more enjoyable than dull, more passionate than lustful, and more permanent than temporary.

Marital glue includes romance, friendship, warmth, her attractiveness, mutual likeability, mutual loyalty, mutually enjoyable sex, companionship, passion, togetherness, remembrances, pleasant associations, sweetness, hopes, togetherness, dreams, children, peaceful moments, satisfaction for men, intimacy, comfort, and an appreciated extended family. Those pleasant, positive, and affirming marital ingredients primarily arise and are integrated at the instigation and insistence of wives. Single women are not so motivated or inclined. It’s a broad strategic strength of relationship experts that specifically empowers wives to integrate all the good things that seal a relationship with harmony.

As mentioned in post 2256 about their acceptance of it—in this case that of generating marital success— full responsibility energizes the conscience of women. They escape guilt by doing their best to make marriage work by harmonizing their associations with both husband and children. It’s a tremendously difficult job, but only wives have the responsibility and thereby inherit the authority to make it happen. They learn fairly easy that their initiative is rewarded with self-importance. If husband should become offended, she has crossed the line into unwarranted assumption of his authority. It’s easy for her to pull back, adjust, and survive the incident to mutual advantage, which is relationship management in recovery mode.

What’s the other option to her accepting full responsibility? Husband decides he’s responsible to generate, harmonize, and make all those ingredients fit mutually into his marriage and castle. How long will wife tolerate some of the outrageous ways husband would try to do what he considers right?

Not long, as you can imagine. She would rebel because she’s better qualified, which weakens or destroys his authority to act, which means that he’s not really responsible since he lacks authority. By wife assuming the responsible and de facto dominant role, she assumes authority to act. It automatically confirms the responsibility as hers, which matches God’s design, Nature’s empowerment, and her hormonal energy.

The absence of a preponderance of wives wielding influence in the home today lies behind the rapid and unpleasant-for-female spin into our male-friendly and deteriorating society.

——

Today, Marxists, anarchists, radical feminists, and Progressive political activists seek to destroy religion, morality, and family as the primary social unit and substitute government involvement in all human endeavor. Any and all of which destroys wifely influence with husbands, who are the only action takers in society with wives foremost in their motivational thoughts. Consequently, our female friendly society wanes evermore rapidly as the moderating and society-calming influence of wives becomes less and less.

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2271. Dark Side of Feminism: The Swamp of Ill-feeling


I aim at the gender level, ladies, so don’t take it personal except the sentence surrounded by asterisks.

The male and female natures inherited at birth have been socialized and domesticated into habits that work contrary to how we are born. Default conditions are ignored because of pressures designed by political activists. I don’t alibi for either sex but blame Feminism to explain how and why compatibility has sunk into the swamp of ill-feeling toward the opposite sex.

Feminists taught women to blame men for female problems. Doing so put women in the role of acting contrary to their nature, contrary to where their heart leads them. *As the direct response, single women soften their natural hard-headedness and married women harden their soft-heartedness.*

Men aren’t as much offended as they are disappointed in females. Men think: I want to cooperate but with all the crap you pull, why should I?

As women go so goes society and we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves; women do it with little regard for how it registers with men. The combination causes men to harden up their hard-headedness and refuse to soften up their natural hard-heartedness. Men are disappointed because they are discouraged from being heroes to the opposite sex, which gives every indication of being in distress but undeserving of masculine help.

Feminism changed all women; it’s now a universal spirit. Women can’t resist being convinced that they deserve better than whatever men produce and provide. They measure men by how men treat them instead of how men measure themselves by what they accomplish. That difference rocks compatibility.

Adopting feminist thought, women don’t or can’t abandon their natural motivational baseline, which bastardizes their motivational drive and produces results that further confuse the female mind, and which earns disrespect in the male mind.

She tries to bond with sex but men don’t. She abandons modesty to be liked and men don’t respect her. She forgoes mystery that fires up the male imagination and favors full disclosure that kills male curiosity. She expects boyfriend to be loyal to her but she doesn’t first earn his respect. She expects husband to be faithful but tries to change him. She builds his castle on fashion and her reputation with women and disregards his desire for a functional recovery and resting place. She weakens his comfort and daily recovery by insisting to keep a perfect appearance within the home. She tortures him with petty requests to do what she can easily do herself. She commands his presence without respecting his other obligations. She doesn’t respect his family but she wants them to do what she expects. She ranks her children over her man and expects him to peacefully play second fiddle to her music score. She ignores her heart by letting others convince her its undependable to protect and promote her interests. She wants to make sure he knows that her needs and wants are more important than his.

By trying to either be more like men or get them to act more like females, women confuse themselves. They are unable to produce the outcomes they long for. Men wish it were otherwise, but modern women are propagandized to listen to women instead of men. It’s more a gender than individual happening; by blaming men, women escape guilt for causing relationship failures. Much as the radical feminists anticipated it five decades ago.

On the other side of the ledger, the male nature stubbornly rejects feminist theory. Men stick to mostly following their nature, which of course is never all that admirable to women. Men learn in life that particular behaviors annoy the heck out of women and—when inclined to please their woman—they avoid the annoyances. However, when blamed, they easily convince themselves that ‘I don’t appreciate what she does, why please her?’, which pushes them back toward their self-centered, hard-headed, and hard-hearted nature.

So, what else is new? He takes me for granted. He never shows enough affection. His job comes before me. He won’t help with housework. He won’t help enough with the kids. He won’t clean or pick up after himself. He’s a slob around the house. He spends our money on his toys. He’s so selfish he doesn’t know the meaning of ‘us’. He wants sex whether I’m ready or not. He never wants to take my family into consideration. He loves our daughter but expects too much from our son. He thinks I should be able to handle a full-time job and housework with no help and no problems. He talks a good game but doesn’t produce when the chips are down.

Those are symptoms of men who don’t care if they annoy their woman or they purposely do it out of some real or imagined spite. Men aren’t that opposed to cooperation unless they want to save face.

Blaming a man shows disrespect and men tire easily of it. They expect to be respected and appreciated and to measure it by her displays of obvious gratitude, which also endorses his likeability to her and her willingness to be loyal to him.

Thus, the pointy finger of blame continues to mock compatibility and flood the already full swamp of ill-feeling toward the opposite sex.

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2270. She’s the Initiator


Whether you believe God designed or Nature causes it, the sexes are born with all the abilities to be compatible and woman is both relationship expert and initiator. Here’s an example of how and why she works as initiator.

  • Women are born fully capable of trusting without reason, which signifies the benefit of their trust to be worth more than the risk. Women benefit much more from men who know they are trusted. Men respect women more easily and respect is essential for a man’s love to develop. The risk is that some men are not trustworthy.
  • If a woman blames men generally, a man trusts neither her trust nor respect of him. He’s too vulnerable to being declared wrong for no more reason than being a man.
  • If her trust isn’t unconditional for his gender, a man won’t trust her as sincere and therefore respect her. Consequently, the best root for capturing a man’s love is unconditional respect for the male sex.
  • God or Nature intends that all men should be trusted except as lessons learned show each woman that some individuals should not. Men are good and necessary except those found to be untrustworthy. Each man can accept that as truth and read it as a woman’s sincerity and her being worthy of his respect.
  • Women can’t trust one man but not his gender and expect that his trying to love her will cause him to believe in her trust and, therefore, respect of him. It’s a subconscious suspicion that arises in a man because of self-doubt that exists in those who sincerely love a woman: Do I really deserve her?
  • Men are born neither to trust nor respect someone until they earn it. Not necessarily earn it directly.  a) Men respect men depending on accomplishments that men admire; that is, what men do holds the potential for masculine respect. b) Men respect women differently. They admire women for their feminine qualities more than female accomplishments. Qualities admired are virtues that earn masculine respect, which serves as foundation for a man’s love of a particular woman. (Men seek to marry a virtuous woman, preferably one more fascinating than other women.)

Men are born not to trust/respect unless others earn it. Women are born to trust and thus earn masculine respect. Thus, a woman’s trust is the first step to gaining the love of a man. Second step, her trust transmutes into his respect, which serves as the foundation for his deciding that she’s both likeable enough for him and he’s willing to be loyal to her, which is the start up of his love.

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2269. Compatibility Axioms #891-900


891. Nagging doesn’t get more offensive than that which tampers with his sense of sexual significance. [298]

892. Marital longevity shortens under pressure of sexually accessible women outside the home. The sisterhood’s sexual freedom thus devalues marriage. [298]

893. To satisfy their self-centeredness and exercise their will over others, women use conditional love to manipulate their man and raise their children. The effect torments everyone. OTOH, both husbands and children appreciate unconditional love, which they know they don’t deserve. When wife and mother provide it, she earns magnificence beyond what she deserves. [298]

894. The more that women practice masculine-style sexual freedom, the more dedicated becomes the sex-chasing lifestyle of men. Things both marital and domestic lose their allure. [298]

895. Trying to change a man sours his affection for whoever tries. Her pressure for more affection produces the opposite of what she seeks. [298]

896. After split up, she’s the only one qualified to tell her how wrong she may have been. But listening to others tell of things she did right eases her pain. [298]

897. When she abrogates her role as relationship expert, she loses strength for easing his dominance. [299]

898. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Finances—or more accurately for here, squabbles about indebtedness and spending—stimulate break up more than almost anything else.  [301]

899. Marriage vows express devotion to each other. Unplanned, unnecessary, and surprise spending and indebtedness can easily kill such devotion. [301]

900. The continual practice of spending less than income reinforces devotion to each other. Teamwork bonds. [301]

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