Happy Birthday, Sir Guy!


Greetings, all. This is Guy Jr. One of the tangential benefits of being Sir Guy’s son is that I have admin privileges to his blog. It’s now after midnight EDT, so it’s official.

I hope you’ll join me in sending warm 34th birthday wishes (give or take half of a century) to my Pops. Not only is he a good man, he is a great man. He spends virtually every moment away from his daily duties on this blog. Trust me, I know.

His endeavors are timeless and tireless and remind me of another. My father has spent countless hours meditating and expounding on good thoughts in the hopes of bettering this world. In some ways, he could be a modern-day Confucius of relationships. Though not accepted by today’s mainstream thought, his wisdom is almost boundless and timeless, in my humble opinion.

Is he always right? Some would say not by a long shot, including my loving partner for nearly 5 years (and we argue regularly about WWNH, but let’s not revisit Lauren and our disagreements on this joyous occasion.) But who is or was, other than The Christ?

Please don’t misconstrue any comparisons. I am certainly not making those. I merely highlight the efforts of one man sharing his wisdom attempting to reclaim a long-lost culture of relative happiness, harmony, and prosperity among us. And we all know that is no easy task given the forces aligned against these tenets in 21st century America. But he fights on, undeterred. Even by me, his son, when we disagree.

Carry on, Commander Dean (USN Ret.). Continue the good fight. We are so proud and appreciative of you.

Happy Birthday, Pops. Stay strong. Stay healthy. We need many more April 19th’s from you.

Tons of man love, respect, and pride,

Allen (Guy Jr.)

Image result for quotes about a good man

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2182. Dating in Mid-life — Part D6: More Tips for Interacting


This series is ending, but I offer a few miscellaneous tips.

  1. Females fish with full disclosure, as if males appreciate it as much as women do. You want him to be sure to know who you are. This gives a guy info to reduce his risk. First date may result, but less risk means weaker investment of his self, which means less effort to uncover weaknesses to get you into bed, which means less discovery of your virtues, which translates to less worth and respect of you, which weakens prospects for second or subsequent date. [489]
  2. Feminine assertiveness compliments a woman. It has far more bonding power than sex, because it earns respect for character strength and independence that sex does not. [501]
  3. Feminist aggressiveness doesn’t compliment women. It offends some men, turns off some others, and makes wusses of the rest. [501]
  4. Hard-to-get charmingly and modestly justified can overcome and perhaps overwhelm male dominance. [495]
  5. Having speculated about evidence, guessed about unknowns, and concluded that you might yield sparks his emotional interest. You’re more worthy of his investment. Rational thought confirms he should probably ask you out. [491]
  6. He may be a player. Beware vague and unavailable (V&U) aka he plays ‘hard-to-get’.
  7. How you program your mind about yourself conditions a man’s thinking about you. If you think you’re not worthy of his time, effort, and money, he’ll treat you less than you want and respect you less than you expect. OTOH, if you sincerely deserve his best effort, time invested, and bucks spent, then he’s much more likely not to disappoint you or himself. [495]
  8. Men believe more easily and firmly what they figure out by themselves. Conclusions drawn are stronger than firm knowledge, because they require investment of self. Conclusions also get emotions involved, and we’re all emotional decision makers. [491]
  9. Men seek to reduce risk, but they thrive on it when the goal is attractive enough. Working their tendency backward produces this. The riskier the endeavor, the greater their satisfaction for achievement. This adds value to and respect of you, if you hold out long enough for a man’s achievement to rank in his heart and mind and also justify his effort. IOW, his big investment pays off with a great return. It’s that process by which a man’s heart becomes devoted as he seeks to maximize his return on investment. [487]
  10. Much like resume placement in job interviewing, the purpose of first date is to get second date and so on for each subsequent date.
    1. These feminine traits prompt invitation. Mystery, female modesty, unique femaleness, seemingly irrational unpredictability, sexual attractiveness, physical attractiveness, self-respect, self-confidence, outshining other women, gentle but restrained friendliness, bold reaction against offenses to your dignity, apparent independence, and reflecting little apparent interest in him until he earns it.
    2. The greater the risk and the tougher to gain your acceptance, the more valuable you become right off. Your value always goes up with his investment of time, effort, and money. The more he invests of himself, the more he invests of himself. Men are not foolish enough to abandon an investment before it’s a lost cause. However, some men don’t give up after just a mini-investment, if they want the reward more than anything, such as in love at first sight.
    3. What makes him ask anyway? Your sexual and physical attractiveness and his confidence that he can sell you on himself. (If he doesn’t start out in the seller role, he will likely not fill it very well later. He might pull back and expect you to become the seller and reward him after a smaller investment of himself.)
  11. When he finds out on first or second date that you’re into chastity until marriage or Mr. Good Enough comes along, two outcomes are most likely. You no longer interest him. Or, he seeks to become his image of Mr. Right for you. It’s not what you tell him, it’s what he concludes from what you do and say. [491]
  12. When you behave such that he feels challenged just to ask for a date, he measures the risk of rejection. When you’re worth the risk, he’ll do the asking. If you present yourself as little or no challenge, he’ll take the easy way out: “Come on up to my place.” Or “Meet me at (the watering hole).” [491]
  13. Make up your mind about who pays for dates. I suggest study of 2040-2042 and comments attached thereto.

All of the above aims to describe the nature of males of all ages. Tomorrow we look at the more sexual side of early involvement.

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2181. Dating in Mid-life — Part D5: What To Bring to the Dance


NOTE: Before we start here, I caution you. When you finish reading this post, you will be angry or at least disappointed with me. So, I owe explanation before you verbally bop me on the head. This is my first attempt to develop a better and faster method of screening men for compatibility with you before you waste time and effort watching the years roll by.

I cite qualities that you may or may not have but should consider when you screen a man. Not that you should or will adopt the qualities. But—if you were to do so, how might your date react as your husband? It’s all highly imaginative, I admit, but it will help you understand men better.

I hope that you can presume you are as described below, and then weigh your dates’ attitude and manner against what you imagine yourself to be. Example: He’s extremely neat, I mean a neatness freak. Unless you’re also a neatness freak, he will tend to find fault about things you consider too small to worry about. (Before studying below, you probably would appreciate his neatness as desirable and marry into a life of constant annoyances from being nitpicked to death. The same applies to 19 other potential qualities cited below.)

Don’t just screen men against your tastes or preferences, compare them against an ideal woman to see how far you need to adjust to keep him in your net. If that doesn’t make sense, don’t bother to proceed.

Also, what follows is more appropriate and meaningful for women under rather than over 50 years old. However, it’s not a clear distinction.

——

You know how you love, but do you know what men are likely to regard as virtue and coin-of-the-realm for marriage? The following female strengths flow out of natural but often opposed hard-headedness and soft-heartedness. As a man sees each as an admirable quality, it becomes a virtue in his imagination. Seeking to marry a virtuous woman, virtuous for you is the product of one man’s imagination.

Each of the following qualities reside within your female heart and has been there since birth although perhaps dormant. You only have to claim and act them out. Relationship experts do so regularly. When they can’t get their way, they claim and use new qualities they previously ignored.

Not all men admire all the qualities; it often depends on how sincerely they act them out and how male observers appreciate that particular trait in the woman of their dreams. IOW, the more popular is the trait, the more common it becomes, and the more attracted are the males.

For screening purposes, assume that you have the qualities listed. How do you think each date would respond if you were really like that?

  1. Affordable attire but classy grooming marvelously enhance your physical attractiveness. Does he recognize it when he sees it? Does he know what a mirror is for; IOW does he use one?
  2. Sexual attractiveness enhanced by modest coverings suggests that other men are forbidden access. It triggers his imagination to believe in you. Or is he too much into sex and too little into you? Can you tell?
  3. Gentleness provides you with almost endless patience. Does his impatience bother your gentleness?
  4. Gentility provides you with dignified composure. Does his vulgarity bother your gentility?
  5. You’re thoughtful just as your mate deserves. Does thoughtfulness impress him with gratitude? Or does he expect it as your duty?
  6. You’re grateful but not puppy-happy when he’s around. How much smother-love before he’s turned off? OTOH, how short is he of attention, affection, and other direct signs of your loyalty that doesn’t involve sex?
  7. Submissiveness energizes your spirit of marital cooperation. How different does he see what men calls submission from your being submissive with a free will just like his but with differing objectives?
  8. Your happiness spreads infectiously because you continually spotlight its source, which is gratitude for yourself and others. How grateful is or can he be for others in both his and your life?
  9. Your joyfulness inspires greater hope in those around you. Can he even be grateful for joyfulness? Is his heart warped downward away from ever appreciating much joy?
  10. Feminine speech and highly modest appearance indirectly suggest sex is forbidden subject until you bring it up. Does he recognize such non-verbals or still want to bring up sex some way, somehow, and sooner rather than later?
  11. Unselfishness spreads your attention and generosity to others. Does he go along or find the end results as undeserved? Perhaps his respect has not been earned; example, a cheap tipper?
  12. A delightful countenance makes your dates smile more with greater friendliness. He figures that your current judgments favor him, which he yearns for without having to do anything special or even dutiful. IOW, your delightful countenance confirms his worth of just being who he is, since you also enjoy being with him.
  13. Neatness shows your interest in taking care of small things. Does he appreciate your neat manner? A good prospect should appreciate that he need not worry and is, thereby, freed up to take care of bigger things.
  14. Your sense of goodness sets a shining example that you are born to do good and have both incentive and ability. He’s born capable of doing good but has to be taught to do other than bad relative to women and children. Did he learn it in childhood? If needing more, is he willing to be taught?
  15. Faithfulness inspires others to follow suit. Faithfulness is obedience to one’s beliefs, which are strengthened immensely by belief in people and things bigger than ourselves, and with supreme being as the ultimate strengthener. How interested does he seem for upgrading himself in character or behavior or regard for others?
  16. You give and show respect unconditionally without others first having to earn it. Men are the reverse, but how much does he expect out of people before he respects them? How does he handle food servers? Clerks?
  17. You prefer to trust the future with your judgment; e.g., silence when words may be more appropriate to spread constructive criticism, which is still criticism. Does he react favorably uncomfortable or unfavorably aggressive to your silence, when he thinks perhaps he’s done wrong or not enough?
  18. Friendliness flows out of your liberal application of honey rather than vinegar. You can disguise much anguish that men have trouble living with. Does he appreciate it in you and want to copy? Or does he throw his own vinegar on your relationship dessert?
  19. You absorb guilt without finding reason to pass or spread it to others. Withholding it is the quality men admire. Does he? Or does he not appreciate that you absorb what he wouldn’t tolerate?
  20. Your most effective leadership depends upon example rather than authority. Men don’t recognize the non-dominant gender as authority-endowed anyway. They reject the bossy voice and bossy woman who uses it. Is he normal or expect to be bossed?
  21. Forgetfulness follows true and sincere forgiveness. You’ll probably never have a bigger challenge. For women but not men, forgiving is easier than forgetting offenses but may never come up in dating or courtship. But keep this in mind. Extreme distrust or worse follows your mentioning something for which he’s been forgiven.

Listen, I don’t know how to close the gaps above between your imagined female character and how your dates or even fiancés are likely to respond. Consequently, since this is a test of better screening, I take the cheap way out. Remember, this blog’s mission is to inform you so that you can figure out what’s best for you.

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2180. Dating in Mid-life — Part D4: He Walks Himself to the Altar


You’ve read much of this before, but a summary is appropriate. The male heart is programmed to work through the following steps so smoothly that they can’t be identified as individual steps. They all merge together into one constantly developing process that emerges out of his determined effort to get you into bed. However, in his subconscious background, these things are happening.

  • Sensing his pressure to uncover weakness, you exercise due caution and refuse to be exploited. Almost accidentally to his mind but not yours, he discovers that you have admirable qualities that he likes and can admire. His curiosity arouses, his imagination soars according to how emotionally attractive you are to him.
  • Admired qualities are virtues to him, and men seek to marry a virtuous woman. Chaste dating enables you to disclose other qualities worthy of his admiration. (OTOH, conquest ends his search for weakness, which terminates the rapid growth of your virtue and expansion of his respect, which makes yielding counterproductive to your long-view expectations.)
  • His verbal commitment, followed by courtship, enables more virtues to accumulate and compound. He starts pleasing himself by pleasing you more and more, which is the development of devotion. Devotion grows and morphs into fascination. At some point, in a surprising realization, he concludes he can’t live without you. The surprise upgrades his mind from your fascinating likeability into a new app. He perceives you as full of promise as a potential mate. The hook is in his mouth but not yet set.
  • Spurred by his imagination, his judgment shifts you from potential mate to possible wife. Thinking himself unable to do without you, his focus changes. He looks for your promise as his life-partner, which casts the lure of your help to routinely uplift his present life and fulfill his ambitions. That realization qualifies you as highly desired wife. After imagining the full consequences of that, he envisions a trip to the altar. You hold so much promise that he can no longer ignore it. The hook is set.
  • He proposes, is accepted, turns the arrangements over to you (and bride’s mother), and gets himself to the altar on time.

Thus, just by being yourself and not trying to accelerate the process or convince him to commit or marry, by showing extensive patience, you pave with undisclosed female dreams the pathway to the altar. You dodge his search for weakness, demo your abundant qualities that he can admire, and await the proposal in his good time.

As I hope you have seen, the nature of men produces a premarital process and commitment agenda very different from both the womanly process and whatever women envision for men. Women are fond of makeovers in appearance because men appreciate the results. If more women had makeovers in virtuous behavior—aka feminine, moral, religious, and anti-feminist qualities—I predict that men would appreciate it. Many more would step up to the monogamous plate and swing for the marital home run as if in the world series, score tied, two outs, and bases loaded in the ninth.

You win through the activity of his curiosity, imagination, and subconscious mind. None of which you can influence directly and effectively (only subtly and indirectly). That’s why manipulation and pushing a man to the altar makes a marriage short-lived. You have to let him determine his commitment, devotion, and proposal. To figure important things out himself is to confirm his sense of independence before he yields it to you.

Before this series ends, I shall cite many of the virtuous qualities that women can follow to upgrade their virtuous behavior. In the meantime, tomorrow’s posting continues with some tips for interacting with men and dates.

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2179. Dating in Mid-life — Part D3: Those with Whom You Deal


You’ve read it before, but admittedly what follows is more ideally described than what realistically happens in the real world. By focusing on what people inherit at birth, however, you can produce better results than in the past.

All interactions with men should start with this picture firmly fixed in your mind as to his motivational nature. He sees all your features in perfect, near-perfect, or at least favorable light. Beyond what he can see, however, lurks a mystery that invites slow inquiry if not deep investigation.

  1. In your presence and in his imagination when not around you, your sexual attractiveness motivates him to look further. As explained earlier, however, it operates in background as he searches for weakness that will help turn down the bed covers—or not take time. No blame should be attached; it’s the way God designed him and hormones urge him onward and upward.
  2. You emotionally appeal to his senses. Your likeability grows on him. As you spend time together, your uniquely feminine qualities appear before his eyes accidentally or displayed purposely by you. Those he admires become virtues in his heart. The more virtues that accumulate, the easier his commitment to make, and more likely devotion will arise; which morphs into fascination, which he converts into promise of you as a potential mate—always, however, without guarantees.
  3. Your virtues become the hooks. Your other qualities that he may not appreciate, but can accept and live with, become the loops in the Velcro of your relationship. As that ‘patch’ of Velcro grows, it triggers his commitment which morphs into devotion as his actions expand to please him for pleasing you.
  4. You can do little or nothing about 1 through 3. It all happens unconnected of you. It’s the way the male mind works, when a man’s senses are highly pleased or challenged. He makes judgments, and they are independent of your trying to tell him what to think or to be impressed by what you think he appreciates. Unlike women, he doesn’t let the talk of others shape his thinking. He makes his own decisions. Listening to a woman sell herself does not impress him; too much and she appears desperate, which makes her easier to topple into bed against her best interest. If he truly wants you, he sells himself. It creates the proper perspective: a) He’s the seller and you’re the buyer. b) He’s making himself worthy of you, which keeps you from making the mistake of assuming responsibility for winning him as your mate.
  5. Your role is just to be yourself. Be true, sincere, heart-warming, pleasant, comfortable, patient, and good listener in his presence. Be non-controversial and neither radical, desperate, nor craving his attention/affection. Be non-challenging to him or his role with you. Be good at indirectly exposing the qualities that you have for living with and caring for somebody. (But not him, it’s too direct). IOW, exploit your charm, fun-loving nature, and self-confidence in your worth as person, woman, date, and potential mate.

Were all the above to work out as described, the door opens for a dating man to become boyfriend, fiancé, and mate by walking himself through six processes: attraction, dating, commitment, devotion, fascination, and promise as mate. Note that all transpires out of his curiosity and through his imagination to program his heart.

I describe it more fully tomorrow in post 2180, as He Walks Himself to the Altar.

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2178. Dating in Mid-life — Part D2: You All Differ


In the realm of describing men to you, we start with how you differ. Let it shape your thinking as we later move into describing how to interact with men.

Men don’t love as you do. Both sexes are born hard-headed. However, you’re born soft-hearted and he’s born hard-hearted. Unless you allow yourself to be totally dominated, your soft-heartedness enables you to lure him into a long courtship/marriage that softens his hard-headedness, which over time with aging mellows his persona into Mr. Right.

Boil love down to one operative term and you find that yours is affection, his is loyalty. But notice too, that’s what you primarily expect from the other but not what the other prefers to deliver. Men sense little duty to deliver affection unless trained better by you. Women prefer to deliver love, affection, and closeness, which men don’t appreciate all that much. Men expect respect, gratefulness, and dependence, which you don’t deliver all that well.

A man doesn’t seriously think of marriage until four issues tickle his curiosity, flood his imagination with self-talk about likely outcomes, and promise to satisfy his expectations living with someone. 1) You will or will not be conquered without marriage. 2) Your combined virtues display great promise for maintaining his home and supporting whatever he does to advance his ambitions both with work and other people for whom he accepts responsibility aka duty. 3) You outshine most other women. As he imagines it, you’re obviously dedicated to upholding your virtuous nature at least to the promise of being faithful to him. Not just sexually but cooperatively, encouragingly, and inspiringly. 4) He’s considering investing himself into life with you, so can he be totally confident that he’s not making a mistake? Are your really who he thinks you are? Can he really become with you what he intends to be as husband and father?

That’s in the foreground, in the conscious process of a man who’s willing to think of getting married. The fascinating part takes place in the background, in his heart.

At your first encounter, or development of mutual interest, two conquerors face off. One seeks conquest, the other seeks marriage, and both hide their agendas. A man first likes you because of what he sees and hears from you. It’s your sexual attractiveness, emotional attractiveness, and likeability rolled into one, and he fully expects you to remain that way always with him. You make attraction mutual with immediate or slow-to-develop infatuation that begins with his good looks or his interest in you.

He spots and hears two likeable features, which we have to separate in order to describe what follows here over the next few days. 1) You’re sexually attractive but push it aside except when specifically mentioned below. The urge to conquer always lurks, and we need to push it into the background of the background to grasp the full meaning of his other motivations. 2) You’re emotionally attractive, which for the most part to men means that you’re likeable, pleasant, and quick to listen and admire him. Consequently, he springs into action, so let the pursuit begin. You’re willing as long as you feel important relative to him.

He pursues with conscious thoughts of making you like him, while he looks for weakness that can be used to convince you into bed. He focuses on the former, while the latter lurks beneath the surface. While looking for weakness, surprisingly, he uncovers qualities that he admires. Example: You’re smart. You eat ‘slimingly’. You talk well, like his jokes, and smile into his eyes.

His search for weakness gets pushed further into background mode by newly discovered qualities worthy of his admiration, which to him are virtues, which combine over time to make you a virtuous woman, which can then morph into fascination, which comes across as wifely potential. To the extent your virtues accumulate, his respect for you grows, and a man’s love is based on respect. To the extent that your virtuous likeability and fascination continue as he expects, then his intuitive opposition to marriage starts to crumble.

Contrary to how modern women behave, women compete with other women to win a man. When they compete with men—except about their first sex together—they don’t score very well. The importance of your likeability and his desire to marry flows out of ‘comparison shopping’. He sees you in competition with other women. When you outshine them, he more ardently admires your features, traits, and habits that are so uniquely attractive-to-him. Your actions demonstrate dedication to your virtues and persuade him of your sincerity, trustworthiness, and faithfulness and convince him that you’re better for him than his independence and other women.

Who you’re dealing with will be posted tomorrow as 2179.

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2177. Dating in Mid-life — Part D1: Intro to Men: Duty vs. Sex


Duty motivates men much as love motivates women.

Women aren’t aware. Men attach themselves to responsibility out of which flows duty. Fulfilling duty is satisfying and he expects no recognition or reward except that which originates within himself. He’s that independent and easily satisfied by his own endeavors.

If instead of his just pursuing sex, you as potential mate are his primary incentive, then he designs a date to deliver to himself a good, fun-filled, challenging, adventurous, or whatever pleasing event that he can design and fulfill with confidence to sell himself. His duty is to date, mission is to sell, and you are the tagalong. He seeks to convince of his value in life and implies in many ways that you’re foolish not to tag along with him. He doesn’t do it overly smooth, and so tagalongs do best by just listening.

Dating imposes duty for which he expects no reward from you. If you listen well, he sells well, and you also enjoy yourselves, then he fulfills his duty. It’s a detectable attitude that suggests he’s after you more than sex.

OTOH, if he’s primarily after sex, no duty attaches to the date. He always fulfills his duty, so pursuit of sex doesn’t qualify since someone else determines the outcome. In which case, he expects to be rewarded for doing his best to conquer, and is disappointed when you fail to yield. You’re to blame. The less he’s after you, the more volatile his reaction, because he doesn’t really care what your opinion of him personally.

It begs the question. How do you tell the difference between duty and pursuit of sex? The following are probable motivations from the way he talks and acts.

  • Too smooth, too pleasant, too confident, it’s sex.
  • Hesitant, cautious, fearful of offending, it’s duty.
  • Applies pressure to get you alone, it’s sex.
  • Seeks to just remain in your company, it’s duty.
  • Touches you a lot, it’s sex.
  • Hesitant to touch you, it’s duty.
  • He proceeds first and expects you to follow, it’s sex.
  • Wouldn’t think of not deferring to you, it’s duty.
  • He’s too good to be true, it’s sex.
  • He’s awkward in your presence, it’s duty.
  • He tries to impose guilt on you, it’s sex.
  • He easily assumes all blame upon himself, it’s duty.
  • Plays hard-to-get, it’s sex.
  • Plays up your character more than attractiveness, it’s duty.
  • Overly eager for first kiss, it’s sex.
  • Patiently awaits some signal that it’s time for first kiss, it’s duty.
  • Your instinct and intuition see red flags, it’s sex.
  • Your instinct and intuition make you feel sorry for him, it’s duty.

You get the picture. Trust your gut. Let red flags guide you. You still won’t know if he’s primarily after you until either he conquers you for sex or you conquer him for marriage.

More tomorrow about who you face across the table.

P.S. Duty doesn’t mean necessarily that you’re the only one for him. He might just be testing the waters. It does means that sex is probably not his primary objective.

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