2686. Tradeoffs in Marriage


Not enough attention is paid to marital benefits that arise from tradeoffs that tend to settle into habits. By paying too much attention to equalizing matters or his not returning her love, wives tend to get caught up in pop culture mistakes that divide rather than unify. Examples: a) Men are to blame for problems that women carry into marriage. b) Husbands do nothing to help or better manage disruptions that wives identify. c) Husbands should carry an equal load in housekeeping and childcare functions. d) Home and family are heavier responsibilities than women should have to endure.

The following tradeoffs tend to settle marital issues before they arise. More credit is due as each ounce of prevention works better than a pound of cure.

  1. Her being cherished makes up for his being boss.
  2. She expects him to listen to her endless chatter, he expects her to accept his capricious interest in quickie sex.
  3. Husbands need opportunity to just think, wives need opportunity to just talk.
  4. If she expects romance, he accepts it as foreplay.
  5. He sees sex as intercourse measured in orgasms, she sees sex as foreplay, intercourse, and afterplay measured in intimacy.
  6. His being admired makes up for her harping about little things.
  7. She expects intimacy in sex to satisfy her. He expects to prove his prowess and satisfy himself.

Unless one side tries to find imbalance or inequality in them, such tradeoffs tend to stabilize and unify rather than separate.

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Blog 2685 — Female Standards — 01


Boldness reduces discomfort. If a woman learns to stretch it into standards that she lives by, she can develop her future as she desires it. Her life is more up to her than even a man’s presence in her life.

Many gals ask how to get dating off on the right foot. How to react when they are approached or hit on. The following is my favorite. I offer it for the impact on the thoughts of a man when surprised by woman-think, especially when boldness enshrouds her imagination and female pride. Encounters are seldom neutral when the gal takes charge. See the bullets below.

We all avoid acting uncomfortable. But surprise men with female discomfort shrouded in boldness, and it enables a women to take charge of the man or men present. That is, shock a man awake by her determination to be female, feminine, and different from men. Anyway, here’s my favorite standard of a woman forgetting her discomfort to spill it boldly into a man’s face.

SITUATION. A man approaches, acquaintance or newbie, and they begin to chat. Natural, neutral, innocent. She smiles as if he’s likeable and responds respectfully to his chatter. No signs of her judging him as suitable or unsuitable. All men are suitable until they prove otherwise; it’s one of her standards.

At his first mention of sex, direct or indirect, she stops him and responds with this. “Listen, I put my sex life to sleep and now await Prince Charming to awake me as a woman. Talking, kissing, or fondling will not wake me. See you later.” She quietly, respectfully, and politely leaves him to his thoughts. (She departs, because he’s now on defense and would likely begin to argue that he can talk, kiss, or fondle her awake. It makes it awkward, because she’d have to insult him to stop his determination to recover his self-respect or save face.)

  • It’s shock and awe time. She departs and leaves him challenged to try again or drop the encounter as not worth whatever it would take to recover.
  • It offends his self-image; he thought he was better at meeting someone. It also puts him to thinking, wondering, speculating. How he did wrong or could have done better? He’s no longer in charge; how does he recover? Or does he want to?
  • He can save face by admitting she’s wasn’t worth it anyway. Probably 80% of guys would take that comfortable way out. She thinks: Can’t stand up to the weaker sex? What kind of man is he? I don’t have to waste time on him. If I’m not worth a strong pursuit, if he’s so easily discouraged, he couldn’t be much of a man for me.
  • She’s unique, a virtue difficult to earn in today’s marketplace. It stirs his thoughts and may keep them stirred for quite awhile. Prince Charming? Who’s that? What could he have that I don’t? She think she’s a fairy princess or something? She’s different alright, but how do I get next to her?
  • She’s mysterious. What kind of woman is she? How does she expect to gain my ever loving attention by walking away? What else has she to offer beyond what I saw? What would it take to bed her sometime soon? How do I find out what her Prince Charming looks like and promises? Can I beat his time before he shows up?
  • She’s determined, knows who she is, and intends to shape her life her way—or at least it appears that way and men believe what they figure it out better than anything she tells them. If talking, kissing, and fondling won’t wake her, what else must Prince Charming have, do, and is expected to do?
  • He tells his buddies about it in ways that reflect good on him. Then he wonders if he gave her a raw deal by under estimating her potential as good woman.

Imposing her standard immediately puts her in charge and guys have no alternative but to forget her (I guess at 80%) to save face or try harder (20%) with a whole new approach. The 80% were only after sex and lost interest in her, which means they are not good enough for her. The 20% that develops a strong pursuit in spite of her standard are good candidates for a relationship. Thus, her discomfort uplifted with boldness separates the unqualified from the possibles with just a few words.

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2684. Answers That Women Look For — 03


Previous Q&A for easy reference.

  1. Why do men avoid marriage? [See 2676]
  2. What makes a husband dissatisfied with himself? [See 2676]
  3. Do men consider the wife to be responsible to keep their marriage together? [See 2676]
  4. Why do husbands cheat? [See 2677]

 Q. If the sexes are so different at birth, how are they alike? [2684]

A. The deeper I go into male/female subject matter, the more it makes sense that the sexes differ in so many ways. The subject here is a spot we’ve not visited previously, how the sexes are alike.

Responsibility. Being individuals, we inherit the responsibility for our self-development and how we turn out. We can’t take care and develop ourselves unless we start by taking responsibility for every facet of life that we can control or influence. How we decide to carry, share, revitalize, or dispose of responsibility is the most awesome and challenging function we call living. (By aborting self-responsibility, some people cripple their lives—e.g., wives won’t stand up for themselves for fear of losing their man.)

Motivation. Self-interest drives the motivation bus. Everyone is primarily motivated to pursue their self-interest. It develops subconsciously and operates in background to keep individuals up to date as life progresses. It shapes who they are and what they are after.

Free will. Each individual is blessed with free will to pursue self-interest. It helps get their way in life’s decisions. Until, that is, most individuals decide to somewhat amend free will in order to adjust and improve their way of life with others, especially individuals; e.g., a wife yields to hubby on present-day matters, so she can shape the future to match her expectations. Yielding free will in certain instances, however, does not make one less responsible for their life. It’s just a trade off to enhance whatever life a person seeks to develop for the situation, aka modifying self-interest.

Get their way. Individuals are driven to get their way as evidenced early by infants seeking comfort and toddlers battling competitors. It makes competition the most fundamental law of interacting individually. Except as we defer by choice or force, we are always in competition with others of both sexes. We learn as a small child the need to either fight to get our way, negotiate agreement, yield to someone else by choice, or be forced to yield to someone else (mom’s rule, big brother, and a girl says ‘no’ come to mind). Exception: Girls learn early in life they can get their way more effectively by cooperating rather than competing, which teaches and enables women to get their way with men much more easily than with other females.

Self-development. We each are born with an unconscious motivation to develop ourselves as unique individuals. It’s visible as early as toddlerhood and continues throughout life. Consequently, we get what we motivate ourselves to get out of life, and the best results—especially by tweens and teens—come from accepting and fulfilling the responsibility of mature adults. To the extent people ignore or dodge responsibility for themselves, they cripple and possibly shorten their lives. Once children pass puberty, they absorb an attitude of being close enough to adulthood to act like adults. Their maturity level, however, is proportional to the sense of adult responsibility tweens developed before puberty and teens exhibit in the adolescent years.

Satisfaction. Both sexes use internal signals that whatever they have been doing is completed, and they are free to move on to something else. Self-satisfaction triggers some new motivation to keep us busy at satisfying ourselves. The sexes begin to differ here. Men work in spurts and find satisfaction in accomplishments. Women work continuously, and find satisfaction in continued dedication to their self-importance and self-defined missions in life. Consequently, men pay more specific attention to satisfaction than do women; in fact satisfaction governs a man’s life much as love governs a woman’s.

Compatible. Both sexes are born to be compatible with the opposite sex. Its more ability than guarantee for individuals, and it thus requires mutual effort and dedication.

If the sexes were only alike except for reproductive systems, humans would have made themselves extinct long ago. They wouldn’t be able to stand an opposite sex someone so much like them; too much likeness uncovers both excess boredom and keener competition. It’s our gender differences that make our lives compatible, enjoyable, successful, and worthy of replication.

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2683. Magnolia Shines Again


NOTE: Born hard-headed to deal with men and soft-hearted to live the good life, some women never find the balance that Magnolia describes below. She uses both to promote her life’s agenda to the max. I post it as a good read for everyone and written so well and clearly that it shows respect for every reader. Thank you, Magnolia.

——

Dear Femme,

I don’t mind talking about it. That was a few years ago. It wasn’t with my husband. That relationship ran its course. It was four years ago, around the time that I got acquainted with this blog. Reading it helped me wise up very quickly. My ex was a very fine man, and we had discussed marriage. He wasn’t quite ready, though. He wasn’t sure about marriage at that moment. He was more like, “At some point.” He wasn’t sure he wanted children and I’m sure I do. He’d had some financial setbacks due to a divorce and wanted a prenup. That didn’t sit well with me at all. I sensed that something was wrong and confirmed it by reading this blog. I wasn’t about to become the seller to him or any man (It was a long term relationship and we had become sexually involved by then). As Sir Guy says, recovery is everything.

Another thing that Sir Guy says is that men really protect their assets and that we should do the same. At the time I was getting ready to move to the city where I live now, a few hours away. I did and things ended.

I think that it’s important for women to make the right choices in life. Sir Guy encourages women to cling to religion and morality in order to brighten their future. This blog helped me get back to my roots. It was a fairly easy transition back.

When I moved to town I immediately looked for a church and became a member. Now, almost four years later, I am married to someone who shares the same goals as me (to work in the ministry at church, etc.), pursued me like crazy from day one and showed that he wanted to make himself worthy of me, wants children as well, and never, ever asked for a prenup. On the contrary, he said that everything that is his, is mine (house, everything). He never asked for sex either since we’re committed Christians. That was reserved for marriage. His love for me is so special, so sacrificial and he continually demonstrates it. I’m amazed by it and love him so much for it. I love my husband so much and I’m so grateful for him!

I’m glad that things didn’t work out with my ex. I’m much happier and better off now. I wasn’t where I needed to be with God before. As I said, my ex was just protecting his assets and wouldn’t budge, as Sir Guy says that men do. I decided to do the same and not budge at all and came out on top.

I thank God for Sir Guy and this blog.

Hope this helps somebody. Many blessings!

Magnolia

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2682. Refresher Thoughts — 12


  1. Masculine-style sexual freedom practiced by females inflicts potential damage on the institutions of marriage, faithful husbanding, and responsible fathering—all of high interest to women. The male nature is hardwired to respond to potential conquests made abundant by female behavior.
  2. If men pay no high investment of self, sex is cheap and easy. In the case of conquest, vagina is target and holds his dedicated interest. By enabling access, women easily water down their own worth and magnetic appeal. Female attractiveness goes for nought, when his access to vagina costs little or nothing
  3. Female virginity is under- and male virginity over-valued by modern women. With women, experience counts. If a man is not experienced, other women found him of little appeal. If significantly experienced, a woman’s competitors judge him appealing, which makes him more desirable.
  4. Men desire females that other men have not had. With him, it’s competitively beating out all those other guys. So, it’s not purity to men so much as her sexual inexperience by which he can (a) imagine his personal prowess with little fear of comparison and (b) anticipate her fidelity to him. [1907]
  5. Female gentleness is far removed from a weakness. To men it’s unique and mysterious. Much like modesty, it defies understanding and grows its own appeal.
  6. Women are born hard-headed and soft-hearted. Men are born hardened in both regimes. When her beliefs are narrow or little, mushy thinking pushes her to believe in anything. It defines soft-headedness and causes hard-heartedness in females.
  7. Mutual love makes marital living negotiable but not necessarily compatible, which depends more on mutual likeability and mutual loyalty—the ingredients of manly love.
  8. The sexes have opposing and competing strains of A.D.D. Women suffer from Affection Deficit Disorder. Men ignore their Affection Delivery Disorder unless taught as boys and teens to frequently speak of their gratitude to the females in their everyday lives. It needs to become habit to please females.
  9. It’s needed to replace romantic love that fades after a year or two. A man’s enduring love arises from the foundation of his respect for an exceptional woman and her likeability as a supportive mate. A woman’s enduring love arises from her gratefulness for who and what her man means to her in both the present and especially the future.
  10. Negative influences too easily compound to poison love. Infidelity, disrespect, nagging, abuse, lack of affection of her, and ungratefulness for him come quickly to mind. The continual repeating of one or a few negative influences shatters the major foundations of masculine love—respect, likeability, dependency, and gratitude. Love bleeds out through the cracks. [1908]

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2681. Love is Never Enough — VI: Women Love Two Ways (Didn’t ya’ know?)


Female love has some unexpected and unused characteristics. It can mislead women on how to deal with those they love. There is love, which is one directional that pleases the one expressing her love, but it doesn’t bring the feedback that she craves. Then there is sincere love, which is two directional; she includes more than her attention, affection, and appreciation. She expects rewarding feedback, but she has to work extra to get it

Females have at least five reasons for expressing their love of another. 1) They want something. 2) It makes them feel good about themselves. 3) It’s the right thing to do. 4) They want to unload their emotions. 5) They want to be important to the loved one, to trigger the thought that the loved one sees the loving one as important to him or her.

The first four satisfy the loving one, who presumes or hopes that 5) will also be a result. But that two directional exchange of thoughts or words happens only with sincere love.

When women give love for nothing extra for themselves, specifically 1) through 4) above, they cripple their own self-interest.

Love becomes sincere love when gratitude for the loved one is included in a woman’s expressions of love. The loving one seeks to hear it, but she can’t just say in the course of expressing her love that “I am important to you.”

When, however, she shows or expresses the gratefulness she finds in the one being loved, the latter sees the former as important in his or her life. Who else in the loved one’s life finds gratitude in her or him?

It makes gratitude more important than love itself. Love is the vehicle, gratitude is the cargo.

So, gratitude does what love alone can’t do to a relationship. Now, I know you ladies will probably claim that your love always includes your gratefulness. If it did, those you love would never question, seldom disagree, or ignore your attempts to shower them with loving attention and affection. Mere expressions of  love are nowhere near as complimentary as specific gratitude you can disclose about things the loved one seldom figures is noticed by anyone else including, perhaps, themselves.

In the normal course of relating as couple, her love is unearned. He’s done nothing and men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. If she shows gratitude for who he is or what he does, then he has earned it and she makes herself more valuable to have nearby. Her gift of gratefulness usually agrees with or exceeds his own assessment of his self-worth. Nice that she sees it that way too.

In the normal course of relating as female friends, her love is deserved. But each female has a deeper ambition, to be important to the other. It doesn’t come from routine attention and affections. It comes from the gratefulness that one expresses for the other. They extend mutual gratitude and receive mutual confirmation of their respective self-importance. It holds friends together.

So, in the normal course of relating, you gals should find and express gratitude wherever and however you can, and you will be more important to female friends, more worthy of continuing attention from a man, and you will also appear much more sincere to both.

Remember this? “Men are never more handsome than…” as a way to express a woman’s gratitude for minor pleasantries, chivalries, and gallantries. It buffs and shines his self-admiration, the motivation behind most of a man’s accomplishments.

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2680. Refresher Thoughts — 11


  1. A man is more impressed by a woman full of gratitude, than a woman full of love. She expresses her love to please herself or get something, plus its fairly automatic and easier to express than searching for what she is grateful. He receives her gratitude as just what he is due. Consequently, her gratitude is easier to believe and thus more impressive and appreciated. (Women will do well to take that lesson into bed.)
  2. Divulging her sexual history to a man injects unforgettable poison into their relationship. The more promiscuous, the more toxic. (Sooner or later and maybe without her knowledge, it will be used against her.)
  3. Hard-headed feminine gentleness beguiles males. It adds to her mystique, uniqueness, likeability, and influence. [1905]
  4. Feminine mystique attracts men and holds their interest. An air of secrecy and generally hard-to-get draws men into a woman’s aura of charm. (It keeps her in charge and puts men on the defensive. It’s the opposite of her chasing him, and it forces each man to prove his worth to her—if he chooses to pursue her. When he perceives charming but strong resistance to his first priority, sexual conquest, it pushes him deeper into the role of seller, which proportionally reinforces her as the buyer and intensifies his interest.)
  5. Female modesty tames males. It’s a woman’s greatest counterbalance to male domination. As she uses it to keep men on the defensive, it weakens male domination.
  6. The foundation of a man’s love is respect for a woman signified by devotion demonstrated by his actions. (Romantic love, mostly based on infatuation and lust, does not require a man’s respect. Plus, romantic love fades after a year or two. Enduring love, if it’s to replace the romantic kind and not also fade away, requires his respect that she earned early and continues to maintain.)
  7. Feminine adherence to moral standards helps earn masculine respect. Unless raised by mothers and girls to respect it, the male nature does not need morality. It predominantly serves women and children, when women promote and push moral standards that first suppress extreme male domination, aggression, and violence, and second teach men to use and spread moral values to help smooth out the kinks of living together or in society.
  8. Female-designed and -upheld customs and manners calm men. By women insisting on and upholding social and domestic standards, men learn they must please women to enjoy feminine endorsement, appreciation, and support.
  9. Of course it’s not fair, but men have little interest partnering with only one woman. Unless, that is, women sell and reward their man—however far removed from ideal to her—for both husbanding and fathering.
  10. Men don’t do the love thing as women do. Men expect this first in a relationship: a cooperative, helpful, and likeable rather than a competitive and offending spirit. Next, a man expects respect and gratitude for who he is and what he does. The former invites him to partner, the latter holds him as partner. [1907]

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