2662. Refresher Thoughts — 01

We could not survive if we had no generalities by which to guide ourselves. These apply most of the time. They’re good enough to rely on until reality shows you otherwise.

  1. Parents should neither complain nor explain themselves to their children. When they do, they weaken their authority, figurehead status, ability to judge without dispute, and invite kids to be competitors.
  2. Children see disdain or criticism of one parent for the other, and they learn to play one against the other. It’s the nature of children to do whatever is required to get their way.
  3. Society’s popularity of sloppy apparel, careless appearance, and obesity by girls and women significantly reduces the desire and intention of men to remain close to one woman and fosters the manly spreading of seed.
  4. The popularity of unmarried sex squelches the benefits of marriage. For men, multiple conquests are preferable to the familiar.
  5. Relationship success depends more on the absence of negative stimuli for the man than the presence of positive influences for the woman.
  6. Devotion means he uncovers his hidden agendas to her. Commitment means his agendas remain hidden. (Good example of devotion in My All American at Netflix.)
  7. Late night TV too easily induces thoughts, wishes, and dreams about replacing one’s mate with someone who appears better. Sex and sleep without TV work better to solidify a relationship.
  8. If she’s easy to respect, she’s easy for a man to love. If she’s easy with sex, she’s difficult to respect.
  9. Relying on your heart exclusively will lead you to what you don’t want, because today’s heart isn’t prepared for tomorrow’s realities.
  10. Mutual respect and likeability are the most important ingredients of enduring love.

More follows next.


Filed under courtship, Culture & Politics, Dear daughter, marriage, sex differences

2661. Strategy for Courtship—07: His Love Develops

In earlier posts I made a big deal about how men are primarily producers and women processors. I present a major exception; a man falling in love is a process that I make appear sequential. Actually, it is both fragmented and spontaneous and the emotional conclusion of a lot of reason, logic, and self-study. Moreover, it’s virtually invisible to the woman involved.

A man’s devotion is the first stage of development in his love. Other conclusions add to the process of his figuring out if he’s in love with her. I recap the essentials. Through his mind and heart, the following pass as products of their togetherness:

  • Her likeability, aka her appeal for him to be in her company.
  • His devotion, aka strong desire to please her. He likes her, seeks to spend time together, and likes who he is when with her.
  • His respect, at least the form most critical to his enduring love, grows out of her resistance to yield sex to him. The longer she resists, the greater the promise that other guys also failed and his respect for her diligence.
  • Her loyalty, aka the promise he sees that she will be faithful to him.
  • His likeability to her, aka the sincerity he sees in her love.
  • His loyalty to her, aka his willingness to give up all others to ‘possess’ her for himself.
  • His bonded love, aka devotion swollen to please himself for pleasing her.
  • His true love emerges from his admission that his life with her can be more satisfying than living by himself. He expects not to fail at anything he undertakes including marriage. Consequently, he also figures to love what he’s about to do, which is to live with her. Any proposal follows acceptance of that conclusion on top of his true love of her.

A woman who expects her man to work out that process by himself has the right attitude. His process of evaluating her for entry into his life makes dating and courtship intriguing and critical. He decides, and she’s along for the ride. He appears to rule, she actually runs the show.

However, the show she runs is herself, who and what she is to him. Out of that grows or doesn’t grow his love. She can’t change him; she can only make herself more attractive, appealing, and desirable for him to possess her in the ultimate venue, marriage. It begs the question, how?

Consequently, to complete this study of courtship, I suggest two series. Putting Marriage in His Mind and Putting Marriage out of Her Mind. They begin at post  871 and run in sequence.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

2660. Strategy for Courtship—06: How Women Do Better—VI

  1. Women typically make each other feel important by showing gratitude and expressing love. They do the same with men, but it doesn’t work the same. Showing gratitude and even love does little more than capture his attention, except it may register as prelude to conquest. She makes him feel important in her eyes by listening to what he has to say, while he seeks to impress her with his knowledge, control the present agenda, and lay some groundwork for conquest. If she can’t or doesn’t listen and make him feel important in her eyes, he will likely look for someone else.
  2. Throughout dating and courtship, I advise this. Her outward attractiveness always appeals to his attention as pleasurably unique, proud to be seen with her by other men. Everything else about her, he has to earn. That is, whatever he expects from her, she refuses until some later and more appropriate date or time. From her, nothing is free. Her nature tells her she’s more important and worthy only if she’s earned by someone proving her worth.
  3. Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. Smart women, therefore, develop their own standards up to which men must step or earn. Examples: He hints he’d like to take her out, and she insists on a more direct invitation. He expects a goodnight kiss, and she delays until next date. When she asks but he won’t quit cursing, she insists on being taken home. If he won’t go to church with her, she won’t date him. When he persists inviting her for sex, she stops him with a surprising action— break from their current embrace, a slap, a “take me home”! It’s the surprise that works.
  4. If he won’t honor those and other desires and standards that she develops to test men for sincerity, then he won’t become devoted to her. He lacks enough respect to want to please her. By having high standards for him to live up to, she earns his respect by his earning her permission, appreciation, and confirmation of his worth to her.
  5. This produces competition among couples. Both sexes are born to get their way in life. It works to a couple’s advantage when she allows him to get his way in courtship, and she persuades him to get her way in marriage. Being of the superior sex enables her to take charge both times. Thus, courtship is the proving grounds for her to condition his thinking so that she gets her way beyond the altar. Of course it’s much easier stated than done but built on the following truths:
  • Both sexes are born to get their way in matters of life. It cultivates competition as the strongest driving force of human behavior.
  • Women competing directly with the dominant sex seldom get their way.
  • Men rely on directness and physical and mental strength to get their way in the present. Women rely on natural patience, indirectness, and cooperation to get their way to brighten their future.
  • Women learn as girls they can get their way for the future much better by out-maneuvering their competitive and stronger mate without offending him in the present.
  • Men ‘hire’ wives to take care of those things in married life that men don’t care to be responsible for. It enables wife to get her way with everything for which she’s willing to accept responsibility.
  • A husband satisfied with both her and living with her is satisfied with both his marriage and himself. His investment of self appears safe, and so he stays closer to home.

6. Modern women lose their advantage by blaming or begrudging men while also trying to act more masculine. It’s the wrong way to win courtship success, because greater femininity has many more advantages that men appreciate. Natural differences between the sexes are the glue that both attracts and keeps a couple together.

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2659. Strategy for Courtship—06: How Women Do Better—V

I’ve heard it argued that the purpose of courtship is to 1) get to know one another, 2) become friends, and 3) to link up to confirm sexual compatibility. I’ve heard women rationalize all three, but I disagree as contrary to female interest.

Courtship should be much more directed and purposeful and with those objectives left alone to develop in the background. Why? Because they work against a gal’s interest even though she is in charge of courtship.

1) Getting to know one another adds self-pressure that leads her directly or indirectly into full disclosure; it’s not good. To a man, he knows her well enough or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t and it’s his call, then he likely seeks to find out more or else he drops her. If he does know her, he doesn’t want to hear her described differently. He appreciates what he figure out more than what he’s told.

2) Trying to become friends adds pressure to her to talk and sell herself; it’s even worse. He’s uncomfortable discussing the subject of being friends. What does that mean to her? What does she expect? If she wants to be friends, he doesn’t care; he wants her in bed. If it’s for friend with benefits, it’s okay. He loses any interest in marriage that may have arisen, however. How many more FOBs are around to show up later?

3) She weakens herself by allowing the subject of sex to be opened. By allowing him to talk about and promote thoughts of sexual compatibility, he talks up the benefits of her yielding until she feels bad as the seller who denies yielding even though he pays her supplicant price. She far too easily can be talked over time to abandon promises to herself built on standards and principles that aid women to get their way with men.

Further, for her to test compatibility is to yield to his conquest; he no longer needs to sell himself to her. He bought her cheaply by paying her price, which means he sold her into buying into him without his buying into her.

Men, however, respect more the woman who protects herself better by refusing to provide sex, and his love is based on respect. What else does she have that he wants, if she so easily and cheaply sold her most prized possession? If he can cheapen her so easily, so can other guys. If he marries her, how and when will FOBs or other supplicants appear and …?


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, Hook up and..., How she loses, Sociology 101

2658. Strategy for Courtship—06: How Women Do Better—IV

And you say, what does all this have to do with courtship? And I say, when she makes marriage an endless courtship, marital success will be hers. Men are born to rule the world, but she is born to run her world.

Both sexes are born to get their way in life, and it fosters competition within a couple, whether courting, engaged, or married. However, they think differently. He primarily thinks on getting his way among the big things outside the relationship. He’s not too interested in domestic matters, and expects a wife to get her way dealing with them. It releases her to think about and govern all the big things in a couple’s life, especially those at which she hopes to get her way such as domestic harmony and bright future.

She can’t run her world unless she’s primarily in charge. Thus, courtship is the proving grounds for her to condition his thinking so that she gets her way beyond the altar. Of course it’s not that simple, so I offer strategies to make it work. These strategies capitalize on using female strengths to conquer male resistance and convince her man that she’s the best for him.

  1. She primarily allows him to get his way in courtship and uses togetherness to indirectly and discreetly persuade him to get her way in marriage.
  2. She squelches her attitude that finds reasons to resent him or his contributions and make her think he’s not worth it. If he’s not worth her, she shouldn’t continue with him.
  3. She divides their marital world into two domains. 1) Those matters for which he is responsible and from which she is typically disconnected: his job, hobby, manly habits in which she has no vital role, and domestic tasks for which he accepts responsibility. 2) All else that she accepts as her responsibility is her domain. Clear, mutually accepted, and dedicated fulfillment of responsibilities in both domains prevent disagreement and disappointment and enable harmony to arise under her coaching.
  4. She sets her objective to eventually get her way in all domestic matters. It may take years before she runs the whole show to her satisfaction. Meanwhile, she lets him have his way without interference in his domain. It doesn’t mean she disconnects from his domain, she just doesn’t intrude when she’s not wanted.
  5. She recognizes that a man’s objective in life is to be satisfied with himself as much as possible. She balances their life together by keeping him satisfied as she strives to get her way. Success flows out of this: She spots him as dissatisfied with something, and she finds a way to switch him to be satisfied with himself. His dissatisfaction with her or living with her is not something to leave dangling; it cripples a marriage.
  6. During courtship she earns his gratitude by finding importance in what he says and does. She listens well without expecting him to do the same. Little else is more important. Particularly what he says as he describes himself, his life, dreams, intentions, expectations, and perhaps his view of her. If he can’t convince her of his importance, she’s of little interest to him except for conquest. Moreover, it’s no time for her to disagree, if he’s keepable.
  7. It reverses after marriage. Then, her gratitude plus her dependence keep him convinced of his importance and her desire to listen to what he says. Even when he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, he expects his woman to listen. It reinforces self-respect, the equivalent of self-love to women.
  8. After marriage, she’s both able and willing to use her gratitude and dependence to promote his importance, while she slowly whittles their relationship to where she can more easily get her way in domestic affairs. Don’t take that to read or encourage manipulation. It’s simple recognition that she intends to get her way in many things that come up in the future, and she’s willing to take time and build agreement to get her way. She has numerous opportunities and intentions to do meaningful things, because she stays focused on their life ahead and he focuses more on the present.
  9. As with courtship, he rules but she runs the marital show. Even though he expects not to fail at marriage because he’s too good to expect not to succeed, she accepts responsibility for success.

If men can’t manage a relationship, and they can’t except using tactics of dominance, then they can’t be held accountable either. The expectations described in this series may help women see that they should be in charge if success is to be found in courtship and marriage. In charge, however, does not mean to boss him in any way; it means to anticipate and arrange things so their life together develops pleasantly and keeps him satisfied that he did right to choose her.

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2657. Strategy for Courtship—06: How Women Do Better—III

  1. Mother love in women, and a man’s deep respect for a woman who delays conquest until marriage, are both unique motivators. Both are unconditional and last for life. Other motivational energies are conditional and may or may not last, e.g., love, marital obligation, sexual partnering, likeability, and mutual attraction.
  2. Women easily understand the nature of mother love, and how it motivates mothers. However, many can’t grasp the masculine equivalent that motivates men to chase women; it’s too contrary to woman-think. Men possess two distinctly different sex drives. The primary is the universal urge to conquer attractive women. The secondary drive governs his behavior with women already conquered. His primary drive and mother love are not mutual in function but alike in intensity, longevity, uniqueness, and vital importance to the respective sex.
  3. Needing a man’s respect to be loved, she earns it two ways: First, delay conquest as long as she can. If she succeeds in holding out for marriage first, she earns his unconditional respect, and it lasts a lifetime even though they may break up from other causes. Second, a less permanent form of his respect grows as she overcomes difficulties to accomplish other goals. His respect earned that way is both conditional and easily overwhelmed by negative influences.
  4. Without respecting her, a man’s proclaimed love is just not true. If his actions don’t symbolize respect, his words of love are insincere. The connection of respect and actions is so tight as to be proportional. His greater respect enables and brings forth more devoted actions. (Provided however that she otherwise qualifies for his love. Specifically, he perceives her as hugely likeable and exclusively loyal to him.)
  5. She lives for the future; he lives for the present. However, their hearts work opposite to it. Living in the present, it takes months for his personal deliberations to result in a change in his heart that includes future responsibility for marriage and family. OTOH, she continually shapes her future to match her dreams and expectations for a brighter life. Possessed of girlhood dreams to guide her, she is much faster and prolific in making decisions in the present—especially if she has a man with whom she expects to do something. The pressures of courtship work out the details of compatibility, except that women often expect too much too soon and scare off their man.
  6. Her love isn’t nearly as important to her man as she thinks and hopes. Men are not guided to the altar by her love; it guides her but not him. He’s attracted and held by her likeable and promising persona and his expectations that she can be loyal to him above all others—of which her love is crucial.
  7. In dating and courtship, men rule but women run the show. The more a woman knows about men, the better she can author the script to grow pleasant compatibility and relationship harmony. The next item (8) depends largely on her running their show successfully.
  8. If she expects their relationship to last a long time, two ingredients are essential. Many dates and months are needed for two things to develop in the masculine mind: 1) his respect of her and her likeability and loyalty. 2) Not her words of promise, but the promise he sees that he will be more satisfied living with her than living by himself or with someone else. His respect of her, her likeability and loyalty, and the promise he sees with her are foundations that come before his true love develops.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

2656. Strategy for Courtship — 05: Where Women Go Wrong—III

This is no alibi for men. Their weaknesses are for another day and way.

Both sexes growing up develop bad motivational habits that weaken their ability to earn what they seek later in life. Men lack the natural willfulness to self-identify, admit, and correct their weaknesses; mostly they don’t think they have any.

OTOH, women are born motivated to be good. She strives to do good and become a better person. Two options are available. She seeks to be better just to please herself. Or she does it after inspiration arises from having a man in her life. The social marketplace today favors the latter, which lets women associate more freely looking for Mr. Right. However, the former attracts more mature men who are willing to appreciate her maturity. They more readily step up to living with feminine standards and expectations that make  a permanent relationship attractive to them.

If a woman spots any tendency toward the weaknesses below, then avoidance put into practice during courtship helps develop better habits for marriage. Studying each item backward may help a woman examine herself for individual weaknesses. Of course, no woman has to do such a self-examination; wives have the privilege of being bitchy, bossy, facetious, or hateful if sufficiently provoked.

The following display negative effects seen by men—e.g., bitchiness—followed by the likely cause. Men may not know what to call it, but they recognize and resent the cause:

♥ Bitchiness that flows from negative emotions aimed at him or others.

♥ Bitterness brought on by inability to make life come out as she directs or expects.

♥ Bossiness shown by interfering with decisions he makes.

♥ Busyness caused by pursuing her personal agenda rather than theirs.

♥ Carelessness prompted by her weak sense of responsibility.

♥ Facetiousness prompted by her fear of being wrong.

♥ Faithlessness that follows lack of respect of him or them together.

♥ Fearfulness brought on by mistakes or failures that she might repeat.

♥ Fussiness inspired by her desire for perfection.

♥ Hatefulness prompted by dislike of herself.

♥ Loneliness imagined and magnified when he’s not with her.

♥ Lonesomeness begrudged by husband’s need to function outside the home.

♥ Moodiness that flows from inability to control events to her satisfaction.

♥ Phoniness energized by fear that her true character will be found out.

♥ Political correctness brought on by her sense of being victimized.

♥ Quarrelsomeness that emerges from her insistence to have her way.

♥ Selfishness she was allowed to develop into habit as a child.

♥ Sloppiness that reflects badly on husband to his friends and competitors.

♥ Unfaithfulness that causes her man’s sense of significance to crumble.

♥ Unhappiness caused by her lack of self-gratitude and gratitude for others.

♥ Untidiness, the nesting merits of which she was never taught in childhood.

If she combines too many or related combinations of the weaknesses above, she can become a dysfunctional personality to live with. Not in the clinical but the compatibility sense. The kind of woman that makes divorced men assert, “I just got tired of her s***!


Filed under courtship, How she loses, marriage