2760. Childhood Chores Produce Men Who Love Best


Background

Men are reasonably simple to describe until it comes to loving someone—including themselves. At birth boys lack two vital ingredients essential for their hearts to develop and later distribute as love of others. 1) Unlike girls, boys are born with no sense of self-love. They can’t give what they don’t have. 2) They are born with a sense of responsibility, however, but only to themselves; others are left out of that genetic predisposition.

Men are born to love and be responsible only for what they want to do, and it doesn’t include other people or even themselves to love. Lessons learned later in life program their hearts much too easily with disdain for self-love, love of others, and female friendly ways. Even hate is possible. Those lessons, whatever the outcome, mostly arrive under the sponsorship of parents.

Men learn to love others indirectly. First, they learn to love themselves, and second they expand their sense of responsibility to include others than just themselves. Again, it happens in childhood or not likely at all.

Women are born to love others including themselves. Mating couples can’t succeed very well, however, unless women program the masculine heart with lovable and loving kindness that moves manly interest toward female-friendly interests and conditions. IOW, men become what Womanhood—to the extent that women act alike—expects them to become.

Men don’t love women and kids unless mothers civilize boys about life in the domestic arena; teen girls tame boys to get their way and make boys learn to appreciate female life in the social arena; bachelorettes smooth out the ruffled feathers of masculinity; and wives complete their man’s self-development to promote and harmonize family friendliness.

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Solution

A man’s ability to love others arises from a two-step process. 1) His potential to love future wife and kids arises during self-development in his growing-up years. His latent ability develops from actions that program him with loveable, peaceable, and harmonizing thoughts and loyalty that overwrite any disinterest and hate for self and others. 2) His love becomes fulfilled with later experience investing himself in the care and lives of those he loves. His actions program his heart, and the greater his investment of self, the greater his sense of duty to provide, protect, etc.

Men see the love of someone else as a duty, and men do their duty to satisfy themselves. By self-development and expanding his sense of responsibility to include others, duty becomes routine and his love becomes more evident.

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Left to themselves, boys self-develop strictly loyal to self. OTOH, they develop with broader interest in other people when they learn who they are, what they do, and what roles they fill in life in the process of peaceably handling daily chores. Consequently, the fewer and less challenging the chores, the more loyal boys remain to self and less potential they develop for loving and being responsible for others.

The daily expression of fulfilling responsibility for chores programs their hearts. They may never learn to love the chores. However, they learn to like themselves for pleasing someone else, mostly mom, and displaying their ability. That is both personal growth and self-development. They become more unique as new chores challenge their maturity and they incorporate chores into their self-developmental habits. It all works as God designed us: Actions program the heart during the decade between toddler and puberty.

After a decade of chores, boys are programmed with both reason to love self and acceptance that their sense of duty includes other people and things in life. IOW, boys develop habits of externalizing rather than internalizing their thoughts, efforts, and satisfactions, which programs their hearts for sharing love more easily by accepting responsibility for others.

Parents and mostly mothers have one solution to overcome developmental obstructions. It is the continual assignment and peaceful supervision of chores. Over a decade, that process turns out mature adults capable of personal devotion and loyalty to others, and it flourishes particularly for parents who lead by example and suppress disturbance with love rather than turmoil. Thus, the childhood habit of loyalty to one’s chores emerges in adulthood as loyalty to those for whom one is responsible.

In the final analysis, boys are born lacking self-love and with his sense of responsibility focused directly on himself alone. Girls are born lacking in self-respect. Work in the form of chores develops both a boy’s self-love and expands his sense of responsibility to include others. Chores between toddler and puberty breeds self-respect in girls.

After his conscious mind opens in his third year, with good parenting, boys learn both self-love and to expand his sense of duty to include others by self-consciously performing chores that are not demeaning but which uplift him through achievements. Success performing chores slightly more mature than he is at the time program his heart with both self-love and ability to be responsible to and for others. Out of the process of performing endless boyhood chores imposed peaceably by motherly values, standards, and expectations inculcated into his still-developing character, a boy begins teen life with a heart full of mature man-think by the time puberty has passed.

 

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2759. Outer Beauty Attracts, Inner Beauty Captures and Holds


Born to believe she is pretty, it underwrites both a gal’s personality and sense of self-importance. If she follows the primary motivational force in her life, then she reinforces her sense of self-importance by making herself more important to others. From an inborn and deep resource of self-love, she spreads love to those of her choosing in the process of routinely confirming her self-importance.

Born believing himself to be handy, it underwrites a boy or man’s quickness to judge, enlarges his self-interest in girls and women, and upgrades a gal’s body shape from female prettiness to feminine beauty. It’s a matter of choice that matches each male’s attraction to the opposite sex. Why the difference between female and feminine? In the mind of the hunter-conqueror, female means sexually available and feminine means she may be good for more than that, the ultimate of which would be mating for an extended period.

Note this connection: I started with her natural prettiness and ended with a mate. What happens in between spins the social and domestic arenas of life. Emerson said “The world turns on hope.” Guy says, The world of females turns on how women appear, appeal to men, and harmonize compatibly within each couple. The world of males turns on how females make sex available or unavailable with or without obligation. In the end, access to premarital sex enables men to rule women through dominance, whereas obligated access enables women to govern relationships until compatible mates develop, mature, and avoid separation.

Over the long run, each pretty woman is beautiful only to the man or men who call her that. Moreover, it pays for each woman to upgrade her inner beauty, which she can improve, rather than upgrading her outer beauty, which depends on the opinion of someone else.

Prettiness is the root of a woman’s inner beauty, which is the foundation of the beauty a man sees in her. In the real world that leads to marital success, it’s as if both sexes play solitaire. She plays the game of maximizing inner beauty; she avoids trying to convince others of anything more attractive than she is inside herself. He plays the game of finding her weaknesses that may get her into his bed and accidentally discovers her inner beauty, provided that she delays conquest long enough.

IOW, she indirectly enhances what some man will see as her beauty by ‘doctoring’ up the prettiness of her personality, likeability, admirable character, smiling outlook, pleasant attitude, and living by her heart. She focuses on what she’s born with more than living by her mind and the unappealing lessons learned in life, such as how men think. Perhaps not so for particular moments, but clothing that matches her inner beauty is more appealing to men than clothing that attracts men sexually.  

In that way, improved prettiness motivates a woman to look better, which motivates men to more easily call her beautiful, which adds feminine worth that pushes men to upgrade masculine decisions about women, which makes the world turn slower or faster depending on how women appear and appeal, which enables women to determine better what obligations are necessary before they yield sex to a man of interest to capture and keep.

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NOTE: I previously mentioned that coverage of the subject of intimacy was coming soon. While the subject is simple, it is connected with other concepts. I’m still working on a project tougher than I envisioned when I announced it.

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2758. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 09 Their Lenses Differ


Spouses view the future through different lenses.

He anticipates consequences and weighs them against how alterations necessary to his life will likely keep him satisfied with himself. Example: His car is wearing out. Nurse it a while longer? New car? Used one? Upsize it? Downsize it? Save on operating costs? Dip into savings? After balancing those inter-connections and -dependencies, he makes a decision that keeps him satisfied with himself that may or may not please his wife. If he is pushed to decide or disagreement ensues, he senses greater pressure to do it his way.

OTOH, she plans improvements, manages spousal interests, and anticipates consequences so that she, they, or their children gain some advantage. His car-buying plan becomes part of the new future she anticipates. If she can, she prefers to do it her way, more closely follow her own plans, and will usually argue even furiously to get her way.

If she can’t get her way but is convinced she’s right, she tries harder, learns to resent his resistance, or —if she’s smart enough—solicits his collaboration to work together. Example: Her car is wearing out. She long ago planted a seed with husband as to her preference; whether to drive a new one, a particular model, or to take cost consciousness to a new level to help promote other plans for their future together. Her sense of cooperation drives their decisions into collaboration and easier agreement for both sides. (It’s not in his nature to initiate cooperation or collaboration; it’s mostly up to her.)

In both cases, each spouse begins simple decision-making thoughts about the first to ID the issue being first with the solution. It’s normal, natural, and far too easily the beginning of competition and dispute resolution through argument to see who gets their way.

Because they view through different lenses, neither spouse is validated as being right and thereby the best decision maker. However, different lenses promote female adroitness, more cooperation, and more often end with collaboration, aka both sides pleased with the results.

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Blog 2757 — Essentials of Successful Marriage — 08 Avoid Loss of Likeability


I remain indisposed for daily postings. However, I found some easy reading to consider while I get shipshape once again.

Love isn’t enough. The absence of little things enable marital glue to work. Consequently, I offer the following to dwell on until I can return.

http://www.thefederalistpapers.org/us/woman-realizes-that-shes-been-accidentally-abusing-her-husband-this-whole-time

I argue it again, although I don’t sense a lot of support. Keeping a man alongside her is much more a function of their mutual likeability than mutual love. Why? Because her love of him does not satisfy him directly nearly as much as her satisfying presence in his life.

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Hello, all. Guy Jr. here with an update on Sir Guy.


Dad asked me to post a quick status update. He has been re-admitted to hospital for a pulmonary condition that relapsed from a few weeks ago. Looks like a bit of surgery tomorrow to try and correct. Please send prayers upward or wishes his way.

Thanks,

Sir Guy and Guy Jr.

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2756. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 07 Formula for Success


A formula exists with significant potential for marital success. Follow it and separation is not likely to cloud the marital horizon. It is this.

Formula. Wife starts each day in a happy frame of mind + she’s grateful for and likes who she is and what she does + she’s grateful for the man and kids she does it with + she allows her heart to outwardly reflect and shower her gratitude on those nearby and it = another great day. All of which confirms her self-confidence and gratefulness and brings on a steady and predictable state to her marital affairs.

Spinning out of her great day, her dynamic presence in the lives of her family overwhelms whatever negative outcomes they each may face. She’s in charge by acting in charge; she’s effective by getting her way, because she doesn’t rule but helps guide the self-development of family members. It’s her show to run, but most wives probably lack the first ingredient—‘wife starts each day in a happy frame of mind’.

And readers say, “you mean she only has to be happy?” Yes, but it’s a specific kind and cause, a derivative of the night before, and the major point of this article.

I know it sounds too simple and fanciful, but I’m about to answer the troublesome issue we ponder here. How does she get to a happy frame of mind each morning? She gets it in bed the night before.

You gals can claim that I’m wrong, but I’ll stick with three assumptions.

  1. A wife is as happy in the morning as husband confirmed the night before that she is very important to herself, extremely important to him, and essential for preservation of their relationship. Not satisfied sexually although it may have happened, but confirmed with lovemaking and intimacy that erases any and all doubt about her worthiness and importance to him and life together. IOW, sex without lots of post-coital intimacy is neither good lovemaking nor motivation to be happy the next morning.
  2. A happy woman in the morning is not out to find flaws or faults in her man, disruptions in her life for which she can blame someone else, or otherwise kill the gratefulness in her heart for who she is and what she does. She’s out to build upon the grand fortress she’s fortunate to have found in bed with an adoring and superlative lover. IOW, intimacy dominates her sex life, and post-coital intimacy is the most valuable. When it’s lacking, lovemaking is incomplete and happy doesn’t crown her attitude the next day. She’s as happy today as husband made her feel important last night.
  3. Her husband has no idea that she’s made that way, so dependent on his behavior in bed. A man knows that if she experiences orgasm, he’s done his job and a good one too. He believes what he figures out. Consequently, knowing that he and willy are great lovers, he’s pretty much into either poke, come, and go or he seeks new sexual adventures. Whichever way he takes them, he’s fully qualified and eager to prove his lovemaking ability.

See the dilemma? Wife knows what she needs but he doesn’t. He thinks orgasm is enough, she knows better. He professes lovemaking skills, which turns him against learning something new. He figures he knows her sexual side full well, that’s all that counts in bed, and so his beliefs become more inflexible and his sexual habits more disappointing over time. To him, sexual prowess depends on techniques with his willy more than embracing, holding, and stroking her body amid affectionate whispering in her ear.

IOW, they are not even close to being on the same wavelength about sex and her importance in his and her life together. Wives learn to fake whatever they need in order to preserve the relationship. It means they subordinate intimacy to relationship solidarity. It’s an investment of herself, but not a very rewarding one.

Women need for men to be better lovers; specifically, spreaders of intimacy as the major outcome of sexual relations.

To tell a man that is to insult him. Women need a strategy to coax and coach husbands into becoming better intimacy-based lovers. It’s next if I can produce it.

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2755. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 06 Kill the Blame


Our Judeo-Christian culture degenerates as feminist-inspired lack of respect for the opposite sex spreads the use of blame to change manly behavior. Both sexes claim that relationship problems are the fault of the other side. Everyday pressures seem to make wives almost eager to find blame with husbands. It’s become habitual and perhaps epidemic in relationships.

Blame is so offensive and treacherous that it offers no escape. Hidden barbs continue to irritate the relationship skin long after peace has apparently been restored.

It’s not that men always or that all men resent blame, but women should expect it in order to know how to best deal with their man. The long-range objective is marital success, no separation now or ever. The immediate objective should be to avoid blame. Find some other way to lead her man to what she finds acceptable.

Men view their wife’s dissatisfactions this way. If he can do something about it, he will try. If not, why dump it on him? If neither she nor he can handle it, they can get someone else. What’s the big deal that warrants her blaming him?

 The Scene. Within a couple’s life, compatibility is essential, cooperation is both her incentive and overpowering talent, and collaboration and his alliance should be her goal. OTOH competition with her man is her enemy, because it’s the root of blame and with which men refuse to live.

Men do not willingly compete with their woman. They rely on dominance to get their way, when they have to have it. They fear the indignity of losing to a physically weaker person, and so they avoid or end competition to favor themselves.

Women seem to think that because men often resemble little boys in their behavior, they should be treated as little boys and they will behave better. Wifely frustrations often inspire women to raise their voices, get in their man’s face, and proclaim or preach female insistence about things. They want their way, and they want it now. Their anger fades after they unload on him, but the damage is done at his end. She considers him inadequate, insignificant, or worse or so it seems to him. In response, her likeability deteriorates and her loyalty becomes suspect.

Sometimes quietly and sometimes not so quietly, men resent, resist, and often retaliate. His woman’s blame deals a blow to a man’s sense of significance, which energizes his greatest offense to prove her wrong if only by claiming it if he can’t prove it.

It’s her right to defend her territory as she sees fit, and pop culture and media programs exemplify it. The matriarchal push of Feminism causes women to broadcast their rights and privileges into the ever-resentful faces of men. Having the right to do it, however, doesn’t mean its right to do it. But women learn that point after their man leaves them.

The subject is blame. If women use it, their man will use it against them and include every intent to win and restore his sense of dignity, responsibility, and personal significance.

Foreground. Couples don’t think about it as clearly or directly as this. Husband expects to be responsible to see that their marriage hangs together, but she’s in charge of the details. Wife expects to see that all goes well and successfully in their relationship, home, and family, but he’s responsible to provide what she needs or lacks.

Many hidden agendas are wrapped up in the current scene, and blame is both the easiest and worst outlet for failure to work together. Why don’t they work together? Because competition stifles cooperation and collaboration and opens the door to blame.

The good wife avoids competition with husband; she pushes for cooperation until they collaborate jointly and successfully. She avoids competition knowing full well that it’s the starting point of blame.

What causes them to compete? Each mate is inborn with desire to get their way with others, and they often lack mutual respect for the other’s person and role. The most prominent causes are these: 1) One mate doesn’t respect, trust, or dislikes what the other does, and so they over supervise and tell the other HOW to do what they do. Competition highlights such encounters. 2) Each trying to get their way stirs competition. Ignoring her ability to be patient, wife is unable to yield to his decisions in the present, so that she can prevail in the future.

Competition squeezes out cooperation and prevents collaboration, which far too easily becomes habitual. Bad habits over time defeat marital success.

In action. When things go astray or wrong with husband, wives tend to favor two approaches.

  1. She blames him to the full extent of his wrongdoing with the mistaken expectation that he will correct himself and not do it again; that he will try harder to meet her expectations in the future.
  2. She may even seek to punish him, as if he’s a little boy. It insults him, and she can expect resistance, retaliation, or worse.

She may get her way, but it’s not likely their compatibility will improve when wife takes either approach. Neither is it likely he will change to meet her future expectations.

Blaming him increases competitive pressure, deposits irritants amidst their mutual likeability, and weakens compatibility, all at the same time. Blame is poison to a man, especially coming from his woman. Blame makes him want to do the opposite of what she hopes to achieve. (It’s not an alibi, it’s his competitive nature to fight back and dominant urge to win against physically weaker foes.)

Moreover, here’s some husband-think. He knows she has the ability to register dissatisfaction with him in a more agreeable way. She ought to use her considerate kindness; it’s a virtue that helped promote interest in her as his wife. If forgetfulness isn’t in her hand of cards, where is his payday when he needs it?

Moreover, she’s endowed with magnificent powers of forgiveness, if her man deserves special consideration for all else that he does. She can downgrade his offense or forgive his wrongdoing and compensate herself by finding and claiming gratitude that credits hubby for keeping her satisfied with their relationship. Not the easiest strategy by far, but the most agreeable for her long range interests. Forgiveness being a female strength, why not use it to keep the relationship she has worked so hard to cultivate?

The forgiveness part is easiest for her, but his main interest is that she forget it. He doesn’t feel forgiven unless it’s forgotten, because she can use it against him sometime in the future. He made a mistake and will do better, provided she can forget it. It’s a concession men are usually willing to make; he’ll do better if she will forget it this time.

Overlooking his wrongdoing and giving hubby credit for his presence and achievements reinforces their compatibility and enhances prospects for marital success. Blame offends him, but allowing him to skate relatively free confirms that all is okay with her, he must be okay too, and so their marriage is okay. Nothing to use against him in the future.

Thus, acceptance of his flaws strengthens their compatibility. Forgiveness strengthens her heart for handling those who need to find merit in themselves and to more assertively please her. And her ability to forget calms his fears about the next time he needs her forgiveness.

If she’s unsatisfied with him, blame or threats are her worst strategies. It puts them in competition, invites future battles over other matters, and men don’t lose battles to their woman.

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