Tag Archives: blame men

2806. Response to a Malcontent


The previous post, 2805, lists 20 mismanagement tendencies that cause marital breakups. To it, Godsgrace55 responds this way:

“All 20 of those behaviors also apply to men. But men think they don’t have to address their own behaviors. That is why you notice so many middle age and senior women without a wedding ring. Those women get fed up, divorce, and live a better quality of life.”

I respond as follows.

——

Dear Godsgrace55, you still don’t get it.

  1. Blaming men costs women whatever advantage they wish they had among men. (Blame may be well deserved, but it works contrary to what women intend.)
  2. Neither sex lives alone without the presence of the other in their lives. At the cultural level aimed at brightening the females’ future, women lead and men follow. At the societal level aimed at the present, men lead and women follow. It’s a swap-meet at which women have first choice for generating success for females, if they but focus on the future instead of getting their way in the present.
  3. In general and indirectly but not in particular and directly, women act and men react in response to the cultural values, standards, and expectations, and men drive society along those lines.
  4. This blog is What Women Never Hear, not what men never hear. Men don’t listen to men about how to handle or deal with women. If women don’t exemplify what they expect out of men, then men follow their competitive and often combative nature that women resent so easily.
  5. The sexes are born such that each individual seeks to get his or her way associating with others. It makes competition the most universal motivator. Except for sex before conquest, men have little or no use of women who compete with them. When women get their way all the time according to female expectations, men lose interest in providing/protecting, raising children, and staying with one woman.
  6. Women gain the superior edge in society by using morality, religion, pre-conquest sex, and marriage to tame and harness men to female expectations without emasculating them.
  7. Women do what’s right based on what they believe. Men do what’s right based on what they figure out will satisfy them the best. Blame cancels masculine interest for believing that women could be more right than he.
  8. When the dominant gender becomes mesmerized by feminine ability, aptitude, and astuteness, dominance dissolves beneath an canopy of female superiority.
  9. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera….

Your last sentence is one-sided and exclusively blames men: “Those [middle age and senior without wedding ring] women get fed up, divorce, and live a better quality of life.”

To which I make it two-sided by inserting and bolding the blanks. “Those women get fed up because they can’t get husbands to change to meet wifely expectations, initiate divorce in order to save face and more realistically discredit him, and live a better quality of life by demeaning him, by calling single life high quality to cover her disappointment or embarrassment, and to hide her disenchantment of life without her man.”

Summarized, modern women continue to lose the ability to get what they want out of men. Blame, demand, and political pressure get results, but not what women wish they had from about middle age onward.

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Filed under boobs, courtship, Culture & Politics, Dear daughter, feminine, Her glory, marriage, sex differences, The mind

2735. Back to Basics for Back to Basics — Part A


Attention, ladies. This begins a two or three part response to the comment of Her Highness Back to Basics. I am grateful she inquired in ways seldom seen on the blog. Her unique questioning deserves consideration at deeper levels.

——

Your Highness Back to Basics,

Welcome aboard. I love it when pretty women join us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

Your comment at post 2728 cites your confusion over my statement that: “A younger female shape and appearance are marvelous attractions, but they don’t hold a man.” Trying to ease your confusion, I tackle the rest of your comment.

You claim I provide “A lot of arguments for not trying to appear younger even though it is prettier….” It’s true. All females are born pretty and know it in their hearts as long as they live.

In defining terms, one can say that younger is prettier but aging takes a toll. Among couples trying to find accord and reach compatibility, acting younger brings immaturity. Pretty trumps younger except when sex is the subject.

Pretty is stable in each gal’s heart and reflects in her attitude. Trying to appear younger than one’s age is very different. Not originating in the heart, seeking to appear younger has a shadow of falsity about it. Single men see it as desperation, which discourages association except for sex.

Once in the habit of trying to appear younger than her age, a woman continually tries harder with ever declining success. She is seldom completely satisfied with her appearance and comfortable with herself except for a few hours at a time. In surprise situations, she wishes she looked better; discomfort follows. Frustrations easily set in and dampen her attitude about life, which does little to satisfy her man.

Manly adoration comes from what’s inside and not outside of a woman. In the eyes of mature men living with a highly appreciated woman, her attractiveness is not a function of younger. It is a function of seeing what’s in her heart, her prettiness for which he has nothing comparable. Women are process experts. In the process of trying to keep a man, attractiveness fabricated around her prettiness regardless of age is superior to attractiveness built on false youthfulness.

You claim “…there is no feminine woman on earth who doesn’t care about how much her man is attracted to her.” While I agree as worded, it’s a sad omen.

Feeling that way invites a woman to blame her man for not paying enough attention to her. But blame and female complaints do not change a man. (Men do not change to get what they want with a woman but will change to keep what they have.)

Women who truly care “how much her man is attracted to her” also try hard to be more attractive to him. It’s the natural way of self-respecting, self-loving, and cooperative women. Their nature urges them to look pretty to show their love of self, which enables them to share by reflecting love onto others.

The more she cares, the more she acts on it. She first owes it to herself. Thus, how much he’s attracted to her depends on how thoroughly she exploits her unique feminine attractiveness to please herself.

In the end, a woman’s attractiveness is critical for attracting a man, especially for sex, but not critical for keeping him. Worse, expecting otherwise distracts a woman from harmonizing her relationship with a man to help brighten her future and improve her path to happiness. It may also mislead her in other matters.

More follows tomorrow.

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2337. Suggestions for Raising Children — Part XI


Tactical Parenting: Encouraging Sexual Restraint

Teens Mixed with Sex. This subject is so complex that I’m foolish to tackle it. However, I’ve come this far and ….

The series just continues to grow. At this stage it takes a lot of effort to peel off the layers and expose the real meat. So, I have again broken what follows into more articles.

Background. Millions of words written and spoken and millions of parental efforts have done nothing to halt the spread of girls earning boy-approval through sexual activity. WADWMUFGAO and adolescent immaturity leads to dreadful habits and long-range effects. Such as men addicted to porn, acceptance of cheating, women exploiting sexual assets but losing in the end, and women able to find marriage but unable to keep husbands and vice versa.

Cause and Effect. That background doesn’t sound all that bad since we’re so accustomed to it. But it causes us to overlook this critical fact. Wives and not single women shape how men think and respond to female interests.

Men marry virtuous women. Virtue is based on qualities that men admire. Men discover virtues while trying to bed a woman. While she refuses, he keeps looking for weaknesses to facilitate conquest. In the process he uncovers qualities that he can admire. Virtues accumulate as he keeps trying to bed her. Eventually, virtues compound into fascination, which eventually shows up as promise he sees in her to improve his lot in life. That’s the process. The motivational forces come from elsewhere.

Men seek to marry a virtuous woman for two reasons that vary from man to man. 1) She makes him look better to both himself and his competitive peers who judge him by his ability to capture and keep a beauty (at least in his eyes). 2) Men seek maximum quality from their investment of self.

Those are subsidiary reasons. The main motivator for a man to enter marriage is that he sees promise in a woman to excite his present life and help fulfill his ambitions for the future. If she can’t or doesn’t help him that way, the lure of sex with her won’t hold him very long. Sex does not bond men, and once conquered a woman becomes expendable even for trivial reasons.

The less that men see virtue in women, the fewer that marry. Marriage enables wives to influence husbands and the male gender. IOW, the less male admiration that women earn as both individual and gender, the fewer individuals find marriage, which transmutes into less female influence with men.

As we see today, the less indirect influence that fewer and fewer successful wives win for all women, the more that single women—with girls following suit—try to win it directly by yielding sex easily and cheaply. Of course it doesn’t work as they wish it. They ignore the inborn nature of males, who have little or no interest in female matters except for sex and however else women can make themselves promising to male interests.

It translates this way. Fewer marriages today means that men can’t find enough qualities to admire in women so that they see enough promise to venture into marriage. At least not enough that they find women likeable enough to pledge masculine willingness to be loyal to what they do find.

It brings us to the teen problem. Cheap and easy sex prevents marriage. Why do teens participate? Girls have no understanding about the connection between deferred gratification and fulfillment of female hopes and dreams. They just don’t know any better, and only mom with dad’s support can change it.

Child-raising. I call it teen risk-avoidance. Teach girls how to be good wives. Let girls—with routine guidance of course but no preaching—worry about how to avoid the mistakes growing up. A girl taught successfully to keep a husband via wifely leadership by example can learn how to handle boys, bullies, men, players, boyfriends, and fiancés. Of course, that’s not all. But when mom uses it for her strategy, she will finally hit all the bases without confusing daughter about self-development, which is her own responsibility for staying out of trouble.

So, I suggest moms develop a new strategy for bringing up daughters. What women do now ain’t working, is it? (Blog readers excluded of course.) Single moms have it worst. They have to start over with 1) the mistakes they made earlier. 2) An imaginary husband to use as role model for teaching. 3) Stop blaming men generally and especially the father of their children. 4) Find the blessings within both genders, regardless of how out of touch they appear today; teach from that. Otherwise, daughters have little recourse but to duplicate moms that have not been all that successful.

I suggest moms become better wives by learning to better handle their husbands, mates, or boyfriends as applicable. Then, they can teach daughters even as early as toddlerhood about men made better by mom’s attention rather than preaching the results of sexual adventuring.

How are toddlers supposed to learn about men? Mom reminds frequently how important her husband is as both mate and father. Mom teaches toddler how and for what to show gratitude to father. Mom demonstrates that her husband outranks father on matters of importance to the child. Mom teaches how to live up to something bigger or someone higher than self. IOW, how to sacrifice oneself on the altar of loving someone. It starts directly with appreciating father and the mother inherits child’s love indirectly by doing the right thing, which a child can recognize very early in life.

When wives do better keeping fathers in the home, daughters will pay more attention to how mom does it. When mom plays the happier tunes in the feminine juke box, father wants to join in, and daughter learns to dance to those harmonies.

So, here are some reinforcing thoughts for moms. Men are pretty happy by nature when they can be satisfied by what they see and not be harangued by contrary words. What do husbands need and expect? Some examples:

  1. Frequent and convenient sex is his due, he earned it by giving up his independence. To use it against him to get her way is to enter the on-ramp to the highway.
  2. For him to continue to see her as the likeable person, woman, and wife that he married and to whom he pledged his loyalty and faithful intention.
  3. For him to see respect, gratitude, dependence, and loyalty in wife’s actions and hear the same in her words.
  4. For her to appreciate his loyalty to her alone, as she measures it from his duties and similar actions that support her interests, such as mowing the lawn, cleaning her car, earning a pay raise, saving in order to buy first home, remodeling nursery for baby on the way, voluntarily tending an infant, tending mom when she’s sick or just ‘off her feed’.
  5. For him to be frequently reminded that both his job is vital and his absence acceptable. She depends on her rescheduling ability to preserve her importance.
  6. For him to see peace throughout his home, which is easiest developed when wife manages both blame and the term out of existence in the home.
  7. For her to regularly and routinely convince him that he’s both likeable and that she’s loyal to him in all his roles as person, husband, father, employee, friend, et al.
  8. For him to witness her trying religiously to earn his admiration by making herself more important to him in whatever opportunities arise.
  9. For both to understand that forgiveness may be impossible for him but easy for her. And that forgetfulness is easy for him but virtually impossible for her.
  10. For her to bless their home with feminine dignity wrapped in calmness, patience, understanding, and forgiveness. As one woman declared, femininity adds color to a man’s B&W world.
  11. He measures her trust of him by the way her actions make her appear totally trustworthy. She actually trusts him as part of her nature that tells her to show respect.
  12. She can and is expected to generate fairness throughout the family. Equality is impossible to achieve in human relations or immediately thereafter becomes inequality. Pursuit of it disturbs peace and harmony.
  13. For him, she should. But she never understands the belittling that follows her demands or nagging that he perform ‘woman’s work’ as he defines it. (Of course it may not be fair, but it’s the male nature to draw such distinctions, and after conquest men reserve the right to define their obligations.)
  14. For him to frequently be reminded by her actions that he’s excitingly competent in bed. When teaching daughters, it’s not about sex but about intimacy, touching, feelings, successful togetherness. The promise of permanency to fulfill hopes and dreams rather than the temporariness of teen hook ups and premature destruction of hopes and dreams.

There’s an old saying that two women can’t exist in the same home. The same applies to men when wife acts like a man. Here’s another axiom: It’s the wife more than the mother who keeps the father in the home. IOW, husband outranks father; the marriage is based on husband’s investments of self before father’s responsibility was ‘inherited’. Motherhood changes a wife, when husband expects her not to change. However, husbands of good character and wives of good conscience know how to balance the potential for such husbandly conflict.

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2271. Dark Side of Feminism: The Swamp of Ill-feeling


I aim at the gender level, ladies, so don’t take it personal except the sentence surrounded by asterisks.

The male and female natures inherited at birth have been socialized and domesticated into habits that work contrary to how we are born. Default conditions are ignored because of pressures designed by political activists. I don’t alibi for either sex but blame Feminism to explain how and why compatibility has sunk into the swamp of ill-feeling toward the opposite sex.

Feminists taught women to blame men for female problems. Doing so put women in the role of acting contrary to their nature, contrary to where their heart leads them. *As the direct response, single women soften their natural hard-headedness and married women harden their soft-heartedness.*

Men aren’t as much offended as they are disappointed in females. Men think: I want to cooperate but with all the crap you pull, why should I?

As women go so goes society and we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves; women do it with little regard for how it registers with men. The combination causes men to harden up their hard-headedness and refuse to soften up their natural hard-heartedness. Men are disappointed because they are discouraged from being heroes to the opposite sex, which gives every indication of being in distress but undeserving of masculine help.

Feminism changed all women; it’s now a universal spirit. Women can’t resist being convinced that they deserve better than whatever men produce and provide. They measure men by how men treat them instead of how men measure themselves by what they accomplish. That difference rocks compatibility.

Adopting feminist thought, women don’t or can’t abandon their natural motivational baseline, which bastardizes their motivational drive and produces results that further confuse the female mind, and which earns disrespect in the male mind.

She tries to bond with sex but men don’t. She abandons modesty to be liked and men don’t respect her. She forgoes mystery that fires up the male imagination and favors full disclosure that kills male curiosity. She expects boyfriend to be loyal to her but she doesn’t first earn his respect. She expects husband to be faithful but tries to change him. She builds his castle on fashion and her reputation with women and disregards his desire for a functional recovery and resting place. She weakens his comfort and daily recovery by insisting to keep a perfect appearance within the home. She tortures him with petty requests to do what she can easily do herself. She commands his presence without respecting his other obligations. She doesn’t respect his family but she wants them to do what she expects. She ranks her children over her man and expects him to peacefully play second fiddle to her music score. She ignores her heart by letting others convince her its undependable to protect and promote her interests. She wants to make sure he knows that her needs and wants are more important than his.

By trying to either be more like men or get them to act more like females, women confuse themselves. They are unable to produce the outcomes they long for. Men wish it were otherwise, but modern women are propagandized to listen to women instead of men. It’s more a gender than individual happening; by blaming men, women escape guilt for causing relationship failures. Much as the radical feminists anticipated it five decades ago.

On the other side of the ledger, the male nature stubbornly rejects feminist theory. Men stick to mostly following their nature, which of course is never all that admirable to women. Men learn in life that particular behaviors annoy the heck out of women and—when inclined to please their woman—they avoid the annoyances. However, when blamed, they easily convince themselves that ‘I don’t appreciate what she does, why please her?’, which pushes them back toward their self-centered, hard-headed, and hard-hearted nature.

So, what else is new? He takes me for granted. He never shows enough affection. His job comes before me. He won’t help with housework. He won’t help enough with the kids. He won’t clean or pick up after himself. He’s a slob around the house. He spends our money on his toys. He’s so selfish he doesn’t know the meaning of ‘us’. He wants sex whether I’m ready or not. He never wants to take my family into consideration. He loves our daughter but expects too much from our son. He thinks I should be able to handle a full-time job and housework with no help and no problems. He talks a good game but doesn’t produce when the chips are down.

Those are symptoms of men who don’t care if they annoy their woman or they purposely do it out of some real or imagined spite. Men aren’t that opposed to cooperation unless they want to save face.

Blaming a man shows disrespect and men tire easily of it. They expect to be respected and appreciated and to measure it by her displays of obvious gratitude, which also endorses his likeability to her and her willingness to be loyal to him.

Thus, the pointy finger of blame continues to mock compatibility and flood the already full swamp of ill-feeling toward the opposite sex.

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2054. Romance — Her Side of the Story


 As with so many things, the sexes differ dramatically about romance. As with affection, they have social contradictions that I tag with medical terms. She has romance deficit disorder. He has romance delivery disorder. Her story today, his tomorrow.

Women are born to be romanced. It confirms their self-importance, stimulates the satisfying disclosure of feelings for one another, generates self-gratitude, and provides conviction (without insurance) they are on the way to happiness. Romance is women’s payday for living graciously important lives, and they expect to be paid frequently according to the depth of a relationship.

Romance means exclusive attention, sweet compliments, whispered affections, expressions of devotion, reminders of her importance, confirmation of her worth, affirmation that her prettiness registers as beauty with someone, and actions that specifically confirm and don’t contradict the foregoing. Women can imagine a gazillion ways that men can convey and demonstrate such ‘simple’ things.

The opposite of men, her imagination stirs her curiosity. Her imagination can and often runs wild about a new guy of interest. Curious about why he doesn’t respond to her romance expectations, she finds no fault with herself. Instead, she easily blames him as inadequate romancer and in need of improvement.

Women take personally a man’s lack of romancing her. Consequently, they blame men as inadequate, which transmutes in practice as lack of respect of men, which weakens women’s influence, which makes men less interested in paying women for living graciously important lives.

On two counts, his lack and her curiosity, blame outweighs lack of romance as the culprit in modern day relationships. Women can live with lack of romance better than lack of a man. Lack of romance dulls her side of a relationship. Blame, however ruins his side. Blame spurs her into finger pointing mode; which spurs her to take to her mouth; which offends him; which generates resentment, resistance, and often retaliation; and which far too easily pushes him into departure mode.

I advise women to drop the blame game, period. It is always anti-female to finger men as faulty. Not that they aren’t, just that they don’t take kindly to women doing it and especially their mate. It inevitably works against her because her blame-based best intentions have negative influence.

Women can and should develop their own training techniques. She has to make it her habit to train men to romance her. It starts at first encounter, becomes vital in dating, and fully develops in courtship. By the time they become engaged, his habit should be well established to participate with her more closely, more affectionately, and more intimately. Effectiveness training her man determines the frequency and worth of her future paydays.

This question will arise so I shall answer ahead of it. How do you train a man to be a romancer? 1) Follow your heart, female instinct, and feminine intuition. Follow not what you think you’re owed, due, or need. Follow not what others tell you to expect in response to your initiatives. Follow not what your girlfriends do. Follow not what you wish for. Do what makes you feel more like a woman when you do something with him or yourself. If you hurt, wait for his solace. If you’re happy, don’t over play it. If he gets uncomfortable with you, let him dig himself out of the hole. Keep your self-interest as first priority; he has to catch and capture you. Reverse that last sentence and automatically poison your female nature for guiding you.

2) Require him to earn your affection, love, and worth as potential mate. Make him the seller and you the buyer in everything. If he does it with words, it doesn’t program his heart to favor you. If he does it with actions, you gain the maximum benefit of his heart programmed to your favor.

3) Gently and smoothly invite cuddling when just sitting around. Don’t push on him for anything. He must be lured. Let him get familiar with how easy you are to please when close together. Don’t tell him but gently and slowly encourage him to realize how important physical closeness is to you. He doesn’t need it; he has to learn to like it in his own heart, patiently slipped in by you. Don’t whisper sweet things to him expecting him to do the same; he won’t. You should hint and plant seeds that sweet words inspire you to greater things as date, girlfriend, fiancé, or wife. You can be especially effective while cuddled if you talk and act more as you did when he married you. He doesn’t want to talk or hear about the wedding; he wants to hear and see you duplicate yourself as his fiancé.

4) Regularly and frequently use a phrase I coined twisted to fit whatever the situation: Men are never more handsome than when they please their girlfriends/fiancees/wives with (as appropriate) sweet talk, whispers of devotion, violets, hand-picked wild flowers, cuddling up for TV, surprises, unexpected date night, date night just concluded, little gifts, unexpected thoughtfulness, waltzing her around the kitchen, singing to her, holding a pleasured smile in front of her face. Use it at every opportunity for even the slightest things that touch on romance.*

If you haven’t figured it out by now, “men are never more handsome” programs both hearts with appreciation of the other. It sweeps up many romantic ingredients into daily habits at whatever stage of relationship development.

Women know what they want and expect as romance from a man. They don’t, however, know how to get the quality or quantity they expect. Men don’t know much about what romance means to women. Even worse, they can’t figure out how to deliver whatever it is that women expect. It may become understandable with tomorrow’s post about his side of the story.

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*The phrase works best when kept in third person, i.e., using ‘men are’ and ‘wives’ rather than ‘you’ and ‘wife’ or ‘me’.) As written it’s a compliment. As ‘you’ and ‘me’ it’s sucking up which earns suspicion rather than appreciation.

Also, until he becomes a more romantic guy, I suggest these not be used with the ‘men are never’ phrase: helping with the dishes, opening car doors, washing her car, taking out the trash, setting the table, planning for visitors. Unless, of course, she feels those things are part of romancing her.

 

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1881. Introducing: ‘Make Marriage Work’


I recently assembled a new section, perhaps the most important topic I have undertaken in almost six years of daily posts to this blog. Titled MAKE MARRIAGE WORK, it’s so important that I promoted it to my navigation menu at top of blog. New entries will be added by numbered posts, so you should check back frequently for additions. It’s a startup checklist, if nothing else, on the long road of either planning a successful marriage or recovering from one in need of rescue.

Assessing the results in society (what we all do) and culture (why we all do it), I concluded this. For over five decades women have listened only to women about capturing and holding a man. As that unisex mindedness continues, the female identity dissolves in political acid, womanly relationship expertise crumbles, and girls and women unwittingly teach that sexual freedom is more important than being respected by boys and men whose love arises only from a foundation of respect. The availability of unmarried sex diverts manly eyes and ambitions, stalls and sours the development of devotion to one woman, and discourages men from helping fulfill female hopes and dreams.

The results are three: 1) Women lack the art of developing lasting relationships and cultivating the teamwork required to harmonize family life. 2) They blame men for it. 3) Unmarried men don’t give a s***; they have been taught that devotion to one woman isn’t expected, morality isn’t important, sex is paramount, thoughts of marriage are foolish, and divorce means financial strangulation.

You may view Make Marriage Work as contract template, covenant model, or negotiating checklist. With woman in the lead, couples can and should use it to spot premarital red flags, clarify marital disharmony, negotiate agreements, and melt pledges into devotion in courtship and otherwise turn the man’s thinking toward marital compatibility rather than just her earning his commitment by using sex.

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501. DATING 10 — Value added


Rejection of men for sex helps shape the dating world.

M In the battle of the sexes, rejection by an assertive lady merely means no score. Ridicule does not flow from it, so she gains value.

M Rejection aggressively expressed with a feminist flavor transmits ridicule. This ranks next to insignificance as a man’s greatest fear with a woman. It shifts him into fight mode to restore his dignity. Her value plummets.

M Yielding her greatest asset for little or nothing devalues her, because her sex partner does the benefit analysis singlehandedly and self-centeredly.

M She decides when to yield. He hopes sooner, but the greater his investment of Self—shared emotions, time, effort, money—the greater her value to him.

M If females look and act like sex objects, they gain temporary value with men but have difficulty making it permanent with a man. Yet, they blame men for responding as Nature dictates.

M Feminine assertiveness compliments a woman. It has far more bonding power than sex, because it earns respect that sex does not.

M Feminist aggressiveness doesn’t compliment women. It offends some men, turns off some others, and makes wusses of the rest. This fallout from Feminism helps corrupt dating as an institution.

If women build up their own value as dates, they can improve both men and dating. They need only abandon their ego in favor of their heart, discard their feminist politics in favor of their Nature, and suppress their general opinion of men when judging individuals.

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