Tag Archives: can’t give what you don’t have

2664. Refresher Thoughts — 03

  1. You can love a person a lot and not be comfortable living with them, or even feel the bonds are breaking. Examples: a) Sex does not bond a man and even great sex can become routine or even tiresome to a woman after romantic love fades a year or two after marriage. b) When living together, likeability—the appeal and desire for the presence of the other—outweighs love as a permanent connector.
  2. Think of marriage as three interlocking domains of different sizes with these labels: Hers, his, and theirs. The label indicates who’s personally responsible for being successful to the satisfaction and admiration of their mate. (Dividing up and accepting the responsibilities is a major function of good courtship.)
  3. Men forget more easily than forgive a woman’s mistakes. Women more easily forgive than forget a man’s weaknesses.
  4. Men are producers and oriented toward producing results. Women are processors and oriented toward developing relationships. Processors usually need help from someone to produce results that support their ambitions. Men seldom need help.
  5. A man’s ambitions arise out of his need for self-admiration. The admiration of others impresses him less than his own. A woman’s ambitions arise out of her need to feel important, and feedback reinforces it.
  6. What we don’t believe about ourselves, we can’t share with others. People respect or love others no more than their self-respect or self-love.
  7. The sexes differ again. Females think unearned gifts are their due. Males don’t appreciate them. The female nature causes women to display their love too soon or offer conquest before a man has earned the privilege.
  8. Women are born with plenty self-love but they lack self-respect. They have to earn it before they can respect others, and they do it best by acting as if they are highly respected. Two customs work best when she gets her way: 1) She upholds the best method by which men and women associate romantically, namely dates and courtships. 2) She shows great but quiet determination and spunk to deny access to her sexual assets. (If women don’t have standards, men run all over them.)
  9. A man’s love is based on unconditional respect for the female gender and conditional respect for one of its members. (In today’s social marketplace, the former is sadly lacking. Women pay a huge price at the hands of men who show more disrespect than respect, who promote masculinity at the expense of femininity.)
  10. Women are the relationship experts, and men don’t get involved with relationship management. (Push men into trying it and they suffer loss of self-respect and her likeability plummets. Why? Men don’t know what’s wrong or the cause. They are either in or not in a relationship. Not to blame, it’s their nature.)


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, marriage, sex differences

1774. Sex Difference Redux — Part 28: Love XI (w/ Kathy Petersen)

I conclude sex differences about love with a summary of the more important points and principles. The subseries runs from post 1764 and ends with this one. Hotlinks are provided. Paragraph numbers are just for easy reference.

  1. Women never hear about the male side of ‘man loves woman’. They witness outcomes but don’t grasp what truly happens. As Kathy Petersen points out, they frequently make mistakes, treat men as they do women, and “end up confused, bitter, or angry when their actions do not yield the expected result. It’s often the opposite result of that intended.” [1764]
  2. We all do what makes us feel good about ourselves, and it motivates men and women to love one another. Women because they need it. Men because they like it. [1765]
  3. We can’t pass on to others, even our children, what we don’t possess. For example, self-respect and love of others. [1765]
  4. Self-respect is the foundation of love by men. Respect for others is the structure. Mutual respect more than mutual love is the key to successful human relationships. [1765]
  5. If we don’t believe in someone, they won’t respect us. If we don’t respect someone, they won’t trust us. [1765]
  6. The root of husbandly excellence lies in boyhood and is essential to the process of womanhood ‘growing’ good husbands. [1765]
  7. The need for self-admiration motivates a man to finish what he starts. He daily earns satisfaction for his effort. He expects to rest and recover because a satisfied need no longer motivates. [1766]
  8. The need for self-importance motivates women to do all that they do. The brighter with the help of others a woman makes her future, the more important she is to herself. [1766]
  9. Females are born with the ability to love someone else and the expectation that they will be loved in return. When they expect the intensity and excitement of their love to be matched by husband’s, they find disappointment. Men love differently. [1766]
  10. Males are not born with the ability to love someone else; they gain the ability by learning to love themselves. This happens by accomplishing goals and achieving what they set out to do. Boys who don’t convert their endeavors into habits of success don’t learn to love themselves or others. [1766]
  11. The foundation of a man’s love is respect for the love object—whether woman, hobby, job, ideology, religion, or whatever—and the belief that he’s a better person to himself for associating with it. [1766]
  12. To female eyes, women are loveable because they are pretty and deliver love, and men are loveable because they both enable and help make a woman feel important. [1766]
  13. To male eyes, men are loveable because they are hardy, handy, and sexually proficient. Women are loveable because they are attractive, likeable, respectful, grateful, pleasant, modest, mysterious, respectable, and important for a man’s daily rest and recovery. They’re extra loveable too by being chaste for one man, sexually on call for him only, and highly admiring of his sexual performance. [1766]
  14. Women love, believe in, and respect a man in that order. Men reverse the order. A man respects a woman for being different and unique in many ways, believes in the promise she holds for him, and loves the attractiveness, likeability, and comfort that comes when he associates with her. [1766]
  15. A woman loves a man because she has to love someone. She makes her mate the best available by convincing herself he’s the best as she grooms his persona from Mr. GoodEnough into Mr. Right. [1766]
  16. A man’s love is fueled by the intensity of his character, personality, and ambition. A woman’s love is fueled by the intensity of her dependency on her man. [1766]
  17. Boys sense they don’t deserve to be loved. Respected yes, but not loved. [1766]
  18. Neither boys nor men appreciate unearned gifts. It’s why boys are so easily spoiled by trying to buy their good behavior with rewards. [1766]
  19. Projecting affection is almost alien to the male nature; men must be taught for it to become habitual. If not taught in childhood, women have only one good opportunity to teach their man and overcome his natural reluctance for showing affection—a long courtship before they first have sex together. [1766]
  20. A man’s unwillingness to show affection often triggers the need for ‘relationship maintenance’. His not showing enough affection is the most popular complaint of women. They try to encourage more affection but after romantic love fades after a year or two, men have little interest in strengthening emotional bonds. It has all been accomplished in the masculine view. [1767]
  21. Affection is for females what respect is for males. Each sex craves more from the other without having to give more. [1768]
  22. Girls are born with self-love and the ability to love others. Boys are not born similarly blessed. However, in the course of growing up, boys develop an abundance of self-love by accomplishing goals and proving their handiness and hardiness to themselves. The growth of self-love proves self-worth, refines self-respect, and earns self-admiration. [1768]
  23. Self-love enables a boy’s ability to love someone else, but it takes childhood experience guided by women to teach him the subliminal whats, whys, and hows. [1768]
  24. This goes contrary to what women think, and what most mothers believe: Boys don’t learn to love by being loved; they learn by showing respect, attention, and affection to others and the more intense and earlier in life the better. [1768]
  25. For men to dedicate and devote themselves to someone or something, two things are necessary: 1) They must respect the love object, and 2) they must believe in the promise that the love object holds for making them feel good about themselves. In order to believe, men must see that something or someone shows promise to brighten their lives, and holds promise to match or fit their self-interest. [1769]
  26. Boyhood development is stunted by two parental sins. (1) Absence of father as role model and symbol of disciplinary intimidation and (2) mom’s excessive nurturing a.k.a. micromanaging son’s life. [1770]
  27. This dominates the learning behavior of boys: What a boy is taught that makes him feel more mature than he expects, he heeds as adult-like, enjoyable, and memorable as part of life. What he’s purposely taught that makes him feel immature he absorbs as distrust and resents it in the present, disdains it for his future, suspects the motive, and disrespects the teacher. [1771]
  28. The male nature is made this way. ‘If you don’t trust me, I don’t respect you’. Consequently, micromanaging a boy’s life earns disrespect for mom. [1771]
  29. A micromanaged and overly supervised boy can’t develop well and extreme behaviors build up. Such boys are teased, mocked, and shamed by peers; they withdraw into themselves. They also tend to harbor great anger and even urges to violence. [1771]
  30. The male nature is highly sensitive against being told HOW to do something. When told WHAT to do with respect added, males typically do it with far more alacrity than when told HOW. [1771]
  31. Just being a loving mother doesn’t make her loveable. Excessive nurturing and micromanagement offend the nature of her son. [1772]
  32. This process ideally performed ‘grows’ boys into well-developed men and husbands. Mother indoctrinates, teen girls tame boys for domestic life, single women train men, and wives refine husbands into Mr. Right. [1773]

How the nature of the sexes differs on the subject of love has taken this 11-part series. It’s a critical difference, and I hope I’ve explained it adequately and clearly.


Filed under sex differences, Uncategorized