Tag Archives: child

625. Random Thoughts — Group 2

♦       Love is never enough. Too many little negatives interfere, and too few positives support it.

♦       Modern men have many malpractices for dealing with women and living with one. But men are trainable, when women set their mind to it.

♦       When women want a man more than their dignity and self-respect, they invariably choose poorly.

♦       A woman’s self-love determines her capacity for reliably loving a man. Bitchiness and critical attitude signal a shortage.

♦       Challenge for Wives: When telling him about what happened to you today, try telling it such that he responds with the rarest words a wife ever hears from husband, “Tell me more.”

♦       I wonder what would happen if a woman dressed up for work above and beyond whatever is standard and expected at her place of employment—for example: more feminine, less casual, neater sense of professionalism, etc. Actually I know what would happen. First, other women would dislike them for it. Second, the men would show more attention, respect, and appreciation. Third, other women would gradually follow suit to keep up with leader of the pack. Fourth, it would become a better place to work.     

♦       I credit someone else for this, but I love it: Mother and child is basic Nature. Joining them with a man is basic civilization. I could add: Marriage arranges and the family unit stabilizes civilization.


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551. Smother Love — Part A

 Nature endows men mentally and emotionally to be top dog in relationships. The mother instinct pushes women to be number one. Not the instinct, but mothering per se is the most important job in Nature. Thus, Nature confuses both sexes, and they easily stress each other trying to harmonize home and family. 

Kids understand they are dependent on adults, until puberty disrupts what went before.

Mothering is the most important job, but that does not elevate mother to numero uno. Matter of fact, arrival of first child divides a couple into a foursome, two split personalities as it were.

The foursome works most effectively when ranked in this top-to-bottom order: husband, wife, mother, father. Now watch this clarity: Wife works for and reports to husband. Mother works for and reports to wife. Father works for and reports to mother, including the delivery of higher order discipline when mom’s just ain’t enough. Child as passenger reports to all adults. 

Think before condemning: Family life ultimately boils down to two bus drivers: With wife primarily at the wheel, family pulls together. With mother primarily at the wheel, family pulls apart. Why the difference? With mother at the wheel, she can’t resist elevating child to adult and perhaps number one status, and that drives away husband and father. 

The four split roles can work well together, when each fulfills their own mission without adversely impacting the responsibility of others.

Husband produces, provides, protects, and problem-solves. Wife orchestrates harmony between everyone in the home. Mother nurtures and rears children. Father backs up mom’s discipline and rewards mother for her efforts and sacrifices. According to circumstances at any given time, one role dominates, and three roles submit. As with barbershop quartets, Harmony!

Lack of vision, clarity, and acceptance of these roles breeds confusion that can easily lead even to hatefulness in the home. 


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268. Weans, tweens, and teens #10 — Self-centered

          This post continues the description of subsets that make up the universal motivator, self-interest (post 223). Mature self-interest arrives after a child passes through three stages that are simplified here for clarity.

Selfish (post 239), self-centered, and self-tests are actions that motivate children at various stages of growing up. This post summarizes selfishness and then addresses self-centeredness.

In the last half of the weans, selfishness is the standard order of the day for toddlers. Such children promote their interests ahead of what’s agreeable with others. It becomes an undesirable habit, when they learn that it pays off. 

As effective parenting discourages selfishness, the child learns to think long instead of short term. He learns that spitefulness does not pay but fairness usually does. Groundwork is thus laid for the next stage after toddlerhood.

Self-centeredness arises during the tweens and takes two forms in every child. Whether viewed as good or bad, he behaves to make himself feel good about himself.

Parents consider it bad, when a child focuses repeatedly on getting others to make him feel good about himself. The child dwells on getting attention, affection, or appreciation. After repeated failures to be satisfied, he often escalates to outrageous behavior.  

Parents consider it good, when a child energizes himself to make his life better or more interesting. He depends upon himself to feel good about himself. He learns to benefit from turning off his selfish and self-centered switches when associating with others.

Self-centeredness in the tweens determines what’s ahead for the child and helps shapes his adult self-interest.

Lessons learned take on permanence as puberty arrives. Following that, the teen years provide the third stage of developing adult self-interest—self-testing. That’s the next post in this series.

[More about childhood mental growth appears in posts 239, 223, 208, 197, 193, 192, 187, 178, and 177. Scroll down or search by the number with a dot and space following it.]

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239. Weans, tweens, and teens #9 — Selfishness

Selfishness is the most junior of three subsets of self-interest. It predominantly appears in the wean years. (Post # 223)

Selfishness insists on getting one’s way at the expense of others. It’s natural to the human condition.

The need for and delivery of food and care teaches infants that being selfish pays off. Thus, long before an infant’s conscious mind comes alive, his subconscious mind gets ‘wired’ that putting self first is essential for living.

To the nurturer and observers, selfishness is unfairness. At first an infant puts too much pressure on caregivers, who quickly learn to handle or squelch the pressure. Later, it’s about sharing, especially with siblings.

Unfairness makes it an equality issue. Women, not men, favor and strive for equality. This better prepares mothers to ‘cure’ selfishness in a child. This makes it the province of nurturing, which means it’s more easily ‘corrected’ in the weans.

Later, as tweens and teens, selfishness becomes minor to the degree a child is led into making more mature decisions. By puberty selfish tendencies have been submerged behind other more beneficial habits in a child’s self-interest.

Selfishness provides one of the measuring sticks to forecast the adult from the child at puberty. The less selfish, the more mature. And vice versa.

Weaning a child from selfishness is minor compared to two other subsets of self-interest. The next, self-centeredness, follows at post 268.

[More about childhood mental growth appears in posts 223, 208, 197, 193, 192, 187, 178, and 177. Scroll down or search by the number with a dot and space following it.]

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177. Weans, tweens, and teens #1—Introduction

This series is about mental development and shaping the minds of children.

I don’t offer advice or try to be too specific. The relationship and family arenas are so complex that everyone has to discover, test, and adopt for themselves what works, and what does not work.

As with marriage, it’s not the big things that hold a family together, such as love, vows, mutual respect, gratefulness, togetherness, teamwork, responsibility, employment, health, sex. Success arises from minimizing the disrespectful and abrasive little irritants that compound to gnaw at and eat away the biggies—especially mutual and equitable respect for individuals that have varying responsibilities.

Loving parents can succeed at parenting, but love won’t do it. It’s simultaneously never enough and too much. Childhood pain arises from too little, too much, and the misuse of love. Examples to follow.

[More about the mind follows with higher numbers. Scroll upward.]





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67. Exes, dumpees, and left behinds—Section I

Girls and women repeatedly spend time as ex-girlfriend, ex-lover, ex-live in, ex-wife. Whether searching, shacking up, or married, women repeatedly bounce from one misery to another interrupted frequently with love that doesn’t last and often with a new child. First with a guy and then without, and then with a guy and then without, and then….

Males are just males. Mothers, girls, and wives turn them into promising boys and mature men that please or displease females.

Every man expects he will be great as a mate—by masculine standards, that is. They must be taught otherwise, if female expectations are met.

Sexual encounters do not improve men, because sex neither bonds nor changes them for female advantage. The actions and reactions of women withholding intercourse teach men to adopt female-friendly behaviors and try harder to please females.

When there’s a shortage of unmarried sex all across society, it shapes masculine thinking toward goodness and what women appreciate. Trying to qualify for sex by searching for a female’s weaknesses, a man coincidentally learns about her non-sexual strengths and qualities of value to him. His love needs that base, if it’s to endure beyond the fading of lust, infatuation, and romantic love.

The presence of unmarried sex all across modern society shapes masculine thinking against what women appreciate. The ease of bouncing blossom to blossom lures men away from spending very much effort on females and especially the baggage-laden interests of one. Also, male dominance intensifies.

Modern women don’t rise to the challenge of relationship management required to succeed as a couple. Instead, they act less feminine, more masculine, and objectify themselves for trading in the sexual marketplace.

When relationship mistakes and failures become evident, she dumps him before he dumps her.

She recycles to the dreaded ex side of life. Her lament: ♫Where oh when ♫is my next boyfriend? She sighs and sponges up the sympathy and encouragement of her girlfriends. But the next hook up restarts the cycle.   

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54. Her Majesty, hard-hearted—Section 2

Note: Men are born hard-headed and hard-hearted. Women are born hard-headed but soft-hearted. Oftentimes women harden their heart. Poor results dealing with men usually follow:

♥ She marries expecting him to change. He marries expecting her not to change. He does not, but she does. Both get what they don’t want.

♥ She treats her man as a domestic regarding household tasks—all orders and few decisions left to him. This adds to a sense of insignificance for him, his greatest fear.

♥ She exhibits poor leadership by telling her man HOW to do things instead of WHAT to do. She wants her nest made more perfect in her eyes, so she uses her standards to deny his imaginative inputs or direct interest.

♥ She takes charge after marriage and keeps squeezing him to fit better into her ideals of their home and life within it. He resists, resents, and retaliates the more she keeps insisting.

♥ She considers his machismo and the male ego to be ‘crimes against females.’ This signals her preference for a wuss and so she treats her husband accordingly.

♥ She turns phony and hides her true character in order to get a man to marry her. Afterward, she reverts to her true self and to him becomes a different woman—one he did not intend to marry.

♥ She rejects him as family hero and elevates the kids over him.

♥ She expects him to husband her with no tradeoff for his having given up his freedom.

♥ She treats his opinions as less important and judgments as less valuable than that of someone outside their home.

♥ She gives birth to a less-than-normal child, or has one die, and goes to extremes to provide care or assuage her grief or guilt. In the process she devotes herself to the child or memories at the expense of her husband, thus making him insignificant relative to her grief and perhaps guilt. She cannot forgive him or her. That is an extra-hardened heart.

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