Tag Archives: collaboration

2755. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 06 Kill the Blame


Our Judeo-Christian culture degenerates as feminist-inspired lack of respect for the opposite sex spreads the use of blame to change manly behavior. Both sexes claim that relationship problems are the fault of the other side. Everyday pressures seem to make wives almost eager to find blame with husbands. It’s become habitual and perhaps epidemic in relationships.

Blame is so offensive and treacherous that it offers no escape. Hidden barbs continue to irritate the relationship skin long after peace has apparently been restored.

It’s not that men always or that all men resent blame, but women should expect it in order to know how to best deal with their man. The long-range objective is marital success, no separation now or ever. The immediate objective should be to avoid blame. Find some other way to lead her man to what she finds acceptable.

Men view their wife’s dissatisfactions this way. If he can do something about it, he will try. If not, why dump it on him? If neither she nor he can handle it, they can get someone else. What’s the big deal that warrants her blaming him?

 The Scene. Within a couple’s life, compatibility is essential, cooperation is both her incentive and overpowering talent, and collaboration and his alliance should be her goal. OTOH competition with her man is her enemy, because it’s the root of blame and with which men refuse to live.

Men do not willingly compete with their woman. They rely on dominance to get their way, when they have to have it. They fear the indignity of losing to a physically weaker person, and so they avoid or end competition to favor themselves.

Women seem to think that because men often resemble little boys in their behavior, they should be treated as little boys and they will behave better. Wifely frustrations often inspire women to raise their voices, get in their man’s face, and proclaim or preach female insistence about things. They want their way, and they want it now. Their anger fades after they unload on him, but the damage is done at his end. She considers him inadequate, insignificant, or worse or so it seems to him. In response, her likeability deteriorates and her loyalty becomes suspect.

Sometimes quietly and sometimes not so quietly, men resent, resist, and often retaliate. His woman’s blame deals a blow to a man’s sense of significance, which energizes his greatest offense to prove her wrong if only by claiming it if he can’t prove it.

It’s her right to defend her territory as she sees fit, and pop culture and media programs exemplify it. The matriarchal push of Feminism causes women to broadcast their rights and privileges into the ever-resentful faces of men. Having the right to do it, however, doesn’t mean its right to do it. But women learn that point after their man leaves them.

The subject is blame. If women use it, their man will use it against them and include every intent to win and restore his sense of dignity, responsibility, and personal significance.

Foreground. Couples don’t think about it as clearly or directly as this. Husband expects to be responsible to see that their marriage hangs together, but she’s in charge of the details. Wife expects to see that all goes well and successfully in their relationship, home, and family, but he’s responsible to provide what she needs or lacks.

Many hidden agendas are wrapped up in the current scene, and blame is both the easiest and worst outlet for failure to work together. Why don’t they work together? Because competition stifles cooperation and collaboration and opens the door to blame.

The good wife avoids competition with husband; she pushes for cooperation until they collaborate jointly and successfully. She avoids competition knowing full well that it’s the starting point of blame.

What causes them to compete? Each mate is inborn with desire to get their way with others, and they often lack mutual respect for the other’s person and role. The most prominent causes are these: 1) One mate doesn’t respect, trust, or dislikes what the other does, and so they over supervise and tell the other HOW to do what they do. Competition highlights such encounters. 2) Each trying to get their way stirs competition. Ignoring her ability to be patient, wife is unable to yield to his decisions in the present, so that she can prevail in the future.

Competition squeezes out cooperation and prevents collaboration, which far too easily becomes habitual. Bad habits over time defeat marital success.

In action. When things go astray or wrong with husband, wives tend to favor two approaches.

  1. She blames him to the full extent of his wrongdoing with the mistaken expectation that he will correct himself and not do it again; that he will try harder to meet her expectations in the future.
  2. She may even seek to punish him, as if he’s a little boy. It insults him, and she can expect resistance, retaliation, or worse.

She may get her way, but it’s not likely their compatibility will improve when wife takes either approach. Neither is it likely he will change to meet her future expectations.

Blaming him increases competitive pressure, deposits irritants amidst their mutual likeability, and weakens compatibility, all at the same time. Blame is poison to a man, especially coming from his woman. Blame makes him want to do the opposite of what she hopes to achieve. (It’s not an alibi, it’s his competitive nature to fight back and dominant urge to win against physically weaker foes.)

Moreover, here’s some husband-think. He knows she has the ability to register dissatisfaction with him in a more agreeable way. She ought to use her considerate kindness; it’s a virtue that helped promote interest in her as his wife. If forgetfulness isn’t in her hand of cards, where is his payday when he needs it?

Moreover, she’s endowed with magnificent powers of forgiveness, if her man deserves special consideration for all else that he does. She can downgrade his offense or forgive his wrongdoing and compensate herself by finding and claiming gratitude that credits hubby for keeping her satisfied with their relationship. Not the easiest strategy by far, but the most agreeable for her long range interests. Forgiveness being a female strength, why not use it to keep the relationship she has worked so hard to cultivate?

The forgiveness part is easiest for her, but his main interest is that she forget it. He doesn’t feel forgiven unless it’s forgotten, because she can use it against him sometime in the future. He made a mistake and will do better, provided she can forget it. It’s a concession men are usually willing to make; he’ll do better if she will forget it this time.

Overlooking his wrongdoing and giving hubby credit for his presence and achievements reinforces their compatibility and enhances prospects for marital success. Blame offends him, but allowing him to skate relatively free confirms that all is okay with her, he must be okay too, and so their marriage is okay. Nothing to use against him in the future.

Thus, acceptance of his flaws strengthens their compatibility. Forgiveness strengthens her heart for handling those who need to find merit in themselves and to more assertively please her. And her ability to forget calms his fears about the next time he needs her forgiveness.

If she’s unsatisfied with him, blame or threats are her worst strategies. It puts them in competition, invites future battles over other matters, and men don’t lose battles to their woman.

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