Tag Archives: companionship

2161. Dating in Mid-life — Part B5: Conquest and Marriage Matrix


At 2159 Her Highness Emma wondered if “higher urges of sex drive or need for admiration” dismisses the urge for a long term union. I’m not sure alpha-ness, testosterone, or any other single feature is the ‘determinator’ of either a man’s drive to specialize at conquering women or his preference for a short or long term marriage.

A dating man can never completely know you. Conquest convinces that he knows you quite well enough to deal with you as he desires. On the other hand, the better you know men and learn to know one without having to yield, the greater your advantage. I know women are better readers of men than the other way around. While the table below may seem too abstract, it may well help you along.

The table presents the dating arena as three dimensional: conquest, marriage, and time, presuming that both sexes will appear slightly different at different times. It reflects the combination of mental ingredients and psychic determinations that I think contribute the most motivational force in each direction of the dating arena.

 HOW MEN PURSUE CONQUEST AND MARRIAGE  Self-esteem: How well he likes (high), regrettably dislikes (low), or even loathes himself (lowest) as a person.  Self-image: Picture he has of himself as an effective and easily satisfied man or, perhaps, the opposite, or somewhere in between.

 

Self-interest: His personal intentions and goals that urge him to action and inaction; the same way self- interest motivates everyone.
High interest in conquering many women. Low or lowest self-esteem; he can’t highly esteem others until they prove themselves highly worthy of respect and maybe not even then.

 

Dominant self-image; uses it to prove himself superior to women and men he can dominate or outcompete. Uses sexual excitement and achievement to earn self-admiration, personal satisfaction, and significance.
Low interest in conquering many women. High self-esteem; shares it by readily respecting others; has special esteem and even respect for the weaker sex. Self-assured self-image; satisfied with who he is and what he does; needs little from women because he can be easily satisfied by one.

 

Has other challenges than frequent conquests; other goals have better return on investment for his time and effort.
Not interested in long-term marriage; thinks more of not closing off options. Low or lowest self-esteem; has very limited ability to like others for very long time; tires easily of familiar personalities; seeks excitement.

 

Poorly defined self-image; easily frustrated and keeps options open to escape easily at his discretion. Has broad rather than deep interest in marriage; keeps options open to easily shift from tiring to fresh challenges.
Interested in long-term marriage; willing to commit with expectations for life. High self-esteem; likes himself so well he readily and enjoyably shares his likeability. Self-energizing picture of himself; eager to step up to greater responsibility. Envisions pleasurable life in companionship and challenge of greater responsibility especially for others.

 

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2026. Likeability — Part II


Better than love, I like another term that makes both sexes more comfortable in marital problem solving—likeability. Keeping a constant but mostly silent watch on mutual likeability enables women to more easily detect and retune disharmony before major problems erupt. And so, I aim this short series at relationship experts who hope to improve their techniques.

As the gauge of marital compatibility, women usually use ‘love’ with all its variances and connections. They start thinking he doesn’t love me anymore or similar thoughts with accusations often included. It focuses her thinking on blaming him without provoking any self-talk about her involvement, as if she’s either innocent or free of blame. It’s a natural response; she never intended to do anything that would cause his unlikeable behavior, disruptive attitude, lessened interest, or weaker love. However, blame immediately diverts both their attentions away from minor and toward bigger and more blame-worthy issues and accusations.

Each spouse’s likeability determines the extent to which the other wants to be in their presence, enjoy their company, live together permanently. It’s the magnet of friendliness, kindness, and companionship. The enjoyment of just being around the other. Wives have to sacrifice much of it after marriage. Natural motivational forces energize husbands to forego much of the intimate togetherness that wives wish or crave.

Her likeability is built on the foundation of who she was when he waited at the altar. Courtship taught him the meaning of her presence in his life. As she grows (or wilts) out of that persona, her likeability declines. His respect and love of her may go up, but it does not follow that her likeability will also. Respect and love have different roots; her likeability is rooted in their courtship and the promise he perceived in her as his supporter and junior partner for his workaday life.

Her man’s likeability is rooted in her dreams of how she will shape their married life. Her dreams, however, don’t include a full understanding of his nature. His marital responsibility, job obligation, ambition, and primal urge to accomplish things push him to yield the enjoyment of her presence in favor of his many missions in life. When he falls from grace as part of her dreams, his likeability declines.

I propose a new set of thoughts to overcome her natural but unproductive response dealing with it as a love issue. Constantly but quietly weigh their relationship in terms of self, matching, and mutual likeability. Keep tabs on it for him, her, and us. Don’t constantly focus on the big things for which she naturally worries such as love, finances, or sex. Become more aware of the little things that rattle their cage of reciprocal likeability.

For example, she’s teed off at his laziness because her honey-do list grows longer. How does her reaction to that conclusion make her appear likeable or unlikeable to him? Would she have reacted that way during courtship? She can read his reaction to however she expresses her dissatisfaction. In his view, do her words and attitude make her more or less likeable? Given her mood, does he enjoy her presence?

I believe that signs of one liking the other are better indicators both of love and of disturbances in their relationship. Discrepancies are easier to see, harder to defend, and less accusatory when kept at a simpler level than the complexities of understanding mutual love. Moreover, it encourages relationship experts to take advantage of this fundamental principle of life: One is never wrong who takes the blame so that others avoid it.

For example: She turns careless and sloppy about her appearance soon after marriage. Or, her cooking turns from prepared at home to carry-out. Or, she insults him in front of others. Or she fails on her promises. He expects her not to change from whom he married but she does, so he’s not at fault. He takes offense—silently. He has no relationship management skills. Unsure of what to do, he weighs the expected consequences and finds her less likeable. However, she reads the silence in him and is enabled to inquire as if she is to blame, which is the tactic that causes him to open up. She can open discussion by asking questions that harbor no blame. Presuming to take the blame for whatever has happened, she learns what’s bothering him. Out of that, she can figure out what she wants to do about it.

For example: He starts working longer hours when it appears unnecessary from her view. Or, he flirts with other women in front of her. Or, he quit taking care of and keeping her car washed. Before she accuses him of something concocted in her imagination—he doesn’t love her anymore or he’s having an affair—she presumes that she’s less likeable for some reason. And so she inquires. Honey, have I been pleasing you enough lately? Are you displeased with me? Do I provide what you need when you need it? How can I do more for you? Fix meals more closely aligned with your schedule? Greet you after work in my nightie? Fix your breakfast before I go to church? Keep the kids quieter while you study? Let you sleep longer on the weekends? Take aspirin before bedtime?

When romantic or enduring love starts to fade in the eyes of either spouse, suspicions arise, faultfinding emerges, and mutual appreciation becomes un-mutual. Potholes appear in his road to marital satisfaction. Her road to happiness narrows, needs repairs, and the detours re-route her. On the other hand, likeability is far less volatile as subject of discussion and therefore less disruptive and more easily addressed without blame attached.

Battling over whether one’s love is sufficient for the other induces just blame and excuses. Operating as if likeability is the primary glue reduces problems instead of growing them. Small problems are more easily resolved peaceably. Relationship harmony is more easily maintained.

——

NOTE: Ladies, this is a new subject that I have been working on for some time. I’m confident about the concept and process but less so about the clarity and completeness of the series. You can help me present more or a better view by questioning/challenging specific points to which I can rebut and elaborate. IOW do what you do best and works best for me. Thanks for the help or even thoughtful consideration. Guy

 

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110. Matrimony or acrimony?


How women integrate and harmonize these factors into their marriage can determine the outcome.

§  Women are driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. This empowers them to become relationship experts, which positions them to know how to successfully swap interests with a man for marriage. Men have neither such expertise nor interest.

§  Men are driven to compete with Nature, against other men, and to control and shape human events. Their sex drive is but a subset, because women can easily tame male aggression and sex drive through social and personal values, standards, and expectations. (Men prefer fingernails on a slate chalk board to competing with women, especially their wife. Not in simple games, but in the major processes of life, in key decision-making and bringing home the bacon. Modern women do not like it, but they also do not like the marital collapse that follows when they don’t heed their man’s natural inclination.)

§  A woman instinctively needs a brighter future for her and her children. She seeks security of life, dependable relationships, and family cohesiveness. She seeks family, economic, and social stability. She seeks safety of health, life, and family. To fulfill these needs, she must give of herself to a help-mate, or do it alone and lonesome.

§  Men absolutely need only one thing, a place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare for tomorrow’s ‘battles’. If she does not want to maintain at least a hut for him, someone else will.

§  Women do not absolutely need a man, but they want company. Her primal want is for a solid relationship with someone stronger and more influential in shaping events that impact her and her children. She wants help to brighten her future in a society dominated by powerful people. Two men won’t knowingly share her, so one man best fulfills her wants.

§  He wants the freedom to do as he chooses, especially to make himself stand out as a competitor, his own man, a man of significance.  He seeks the freedom to lay with her or play with her, to hunt or punt, rest or nest, read or lead, think or drink, farm or harm, glean or lean, produce or reproduce, or just do something new or exciting even in his spare time.  She must pay a continuing price for him to curtail his freedom in favor of her.

§  A woman’s time focus emerges from her primal need to brighten her future. Most of her present-day concerns were handled as part of yesterday’s future. She dreams a lot about enhancing and making her relationship more solid.

§  A man’s time focus emerges from his primal readiness to compete, which mandates that he focus on today and its problems. He knows full well he can solve tomorrow’s problems, when they arrive. Where women dream about the future, his primary concern for the future revolves around what he can do today to prepare for tomorrow. 

 

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92. Dark Side of Feminism—Part 05


In addition to more freely yielding unmarried sex, feminist thinking prompts younger women to make more fundamental mistakes dealing with men.

Many women seem inept at winning the battle of the sexes, attracting the right man, avoiding hit-and-run relationships, identifying worthless men before yielding sex, dodging the Manipulating Man, avoiding the violent man, capturing the Marrying Man, avoiding accumulation of more ‘baggage’, inspiring faithfulness, avoiding the man’s game of shack up, living with a man for more than a few years, and growing into the right person to hold a man for life.

Some women adopt stupid rationalizations: Get pregnant to capture or hold a man. A married man is better than nothing. We’re great in bed, so he must love me. If we don’t cohabit, I’ll lose him.

Other women ignore their nature. A woman does not absolutely need a man, but she wants company or assistance at specific times in life. Primarily she wants a dependable relationship with someone stronger and perhaps more influential in shaping events that impact her and her children. She wants help to brighten her future in a society dominated by catastrophes, powerful people, and unexpected events. She wants comfort in needy times and seeks companionship to prevent loneliness. She particularly wants all these things late in life.

Feminist theory, dogma, and propaganda brought these conditions to women. Fortunately, women are now beginning to see the light. 

 

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70. Virtual Virginity #3


☼ What her virginity is to boys and men, her recent chastity and current abstinence are to men. That makes virtual virginity work well for her by mastering and holding off his conquistador urges.

 ☼ She is best assured of capturing him, if she holds out for No Sex without Marriage and lets his imaginative and self-defensive nature work in her favor. Imposing virtual virginity also works to recapture ex-husbands and widowers longing for a new wife.

 ☼ Adopting the virtual virginity strategy works for remarrying an ex. If he’s going to be any different than in their first marriage, he needs to respect her more. Only greater respect for her will make him favorably different.

     Virtual virginity does it best, because he can’t stand to think he’s now disqualified from doing what he used to do regularly. It’s up to her to convince him that he’s unqualified simply because she’s raised her standards and expectations far above what they were when he was husbanding her unsatisfactorily.

     To be effective, virttual virginity should be tightly imposed until they remarry. Cut it short and he loses the greater respect for her gained while she was depriving him of unmarried or even separated sex.

 ☼ Virtual virginity works also on widowers. For her it separates the best from the crass, the gold from the brass, the lovers of her from ass.

     Older women are especially needful of adopting virtual virginity. They are heavily burdened to distinguish between those truly after her as wonderful mate. Or, just after sex and subsequent departure. Or, seeking companionship for his old age. Or, anticipating a nurse-in-residence. Or, just after her money plus some of the other benefits above.    

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45. No Sex without Marriage


America’s traditional female strategy of No Sex without Marriage has been laughed, politicized, and propagandized out of existence, much to the benefit and delight of all males after puberty. Adopting masculine-style sexual freedom that stretches into porn and raunch, women claim rights that are more political than natural or sensible.

Having the right to do it doesn’t mean it’s right to do it. What’s right politically weakens civil and threatens domestic life. Too much casual and easy sex outside the home poisons relationships, damages home life, shatters families, and infects children with poor examples that worsen the next generation.   

Women engaged in promoting their newfound sexual freedom ignore or cannot recognize the poisonous effects on men. Unfortunately, the majority of women soft-headedly follow suit.

Women talk only to women about their sexual freedom. Men are left out, except the feminized ones that join in as political correctioneers. Women and now girls compensate males with open legs, and so men and boys eagerly go along for the ride. So many trophies, so little time.

Men pride themselves in not changing to please others, and they especially reject changing to meet a woman’s expectations. One window remains open, however. A man will respond favorably to a woman’s expectations and pressures for him to change prior to his conquest of her—but his willingness stops afterward.

Our foremothers used No Sex without Marriage to change our forefathers’ values, thinking, and habits to be both acceptable to marry and more valuable as husband and father. They shaped their marital future by conveying in a sex-free courtship just what they expected as wife and mother. They didn’t push our forefathers to change, they drew their man toward change with charm and indirectness. Our forefathers adopted the female-friendly values and standards expected of them.

After marriage she did not have to change him. But that’s all changed now.

Modern women abandoned No Sex without Marriage. Consequently, their window to change a man to meet female expectations and standards closes after a date or few. That’s not enough time.

As a result, modern wives try to change husband to meet female expectations. The more a man resists, the more his woman pushes. The greater his resistance, the greater her frustration. Her mothering and nurturing nature arise, and before long she treats him as a child or as insignificant.

The process injects interpersonal toxins that make women outside the home more alluring to him and tend to make her disposable in a few years if not sooner.

Our foremothers worked to perfect a workable strategy for keeping a man. Modern women adopt a right that drives men toward other women.

Women fear abandonment and seek affection. With uncrossed legs before marriage they strengthen the chance of the former and weaken chances for the latter.

 

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