Tag Archives: compatible

2684. Answers That Women Look For — 03


Previous Q&A for easy reference.

  1. Why do men avoid marriage? [See 2676]
  2. What makes a husband dissatisfied with himself? [See 2676]
  3. Do men consider the wife to be responsible to keep their marriage together? [See 2676]
  4. Why do husbands cheat? [See 2677]

 Q. If the sexes are so different at birth, how are they alike? [2684]

A. The deeper I go into male/female subject matter, the more it makes sense that the sexes differ in so many ways. The subject here is a spot we’ve not visited previously, how the sexes are alike.

Responsibility. Being individuals, we inherit the responsibility for our self-development and how we turn out. We can’t take care and develop ourselves unless we start by taking responsibility for every facet of life that we can control or influence. How we decide to carry, share, revitalize, or dispose of responsibility is the most awesome and challenging function we call living. (By aborting self-responsibility, some people cripple their lives—e.g., wives won’t stand up for themselves for fear of losing their man.)

Motivation. Self-interest drives the motivation bus. Everyone is primarily motivated to pursue their self-interest. It develops subconsciously and operates in background to keep individuals up to date as life progresses. It shapes who they are and what they are after.

Free will. Each individual is blessed with free will to pursue self-interest. It helps get their way in life’s decisions. Until, that is, most individuals decide to somewhat amend free will in order to adjust and improve their way of life with others, especially individuals; e.g., a wife yields to hubby on present-day matters, so she can shape the future to match her expectations. Yielding free will in certain instances, however, does not make one less responsible for their life. It’s just a trade off to enhance whatever life a person seeks to develop for the situation, aka modifying self-interest.

Get their way. Individuals are driven to get their way as evidenced early by infants seeking comfort and toddlers battling competitors. It makes competition the most fundamental law of interacting individually. Except as we defer by choice or force, we are always in competition with others of both sexes. We learn as a small child the need to either fight to get our way, negotiate agreement, yield to someone else by choice, or be forced to yield to someone else (mom’s rule, big brother, and a girl says ‘no’ come to mind). Exception: Girls learn early in life they can get their way more effectively by cooperating rather than competing, which teaches and enables women to get their way with men much more easily than with other females.

Self-development. We each are born with an unconscious motivation to develop ourselves as unique individuals. It’s visible as early as toddlerhood and continues throughout life. Consequently, we get what we motivate ourselves to get out of life, and the best results—especially by tweens and teens—come from accepting and fulfilling the responsibility of mature adults. To the extent people ignore or dodge responsibility for themselves, they cripple and possibly shorten their lives. Once children pass puberty, they absorb an attitude of being close enough to adulthood to act like adults. Their maturity level, however, is proportional to the sense of adult responsibility tweens developed before puberty and teens exhibit in the adolescent years.

Satisfaction. Both sexes use internal signals that whatever they have been doing is completed, and they are free to move on to something else. Self-satisfaction triggers some new motivation to keep us busy at satisfying ourselves. The sexes begin to differ here. Men work in spurts and find satisfaction in accomplishments. Women work continuously, and find satisfaction in continued dedication to their self-importance and self-defined missions in life. Consequently, men pay more specific attention to satisfaction than do women; in fact satisfaction governs a man’s life much as love governs a woman’s.

Compatible. Both sexes are born to be compatible with the opposite sex. Its more ability than guarantee for individuals, and it thus requires mutual effort and dedication.

If the sexes were only alike except for reproductive systems, humans would have made themselves extinct long ago. They wouldn’t be able to stand an opposite sex someone so much like them; too much likeness uncovers both excess boredom and keener competition. It’s our gender differences that make our lives compatible, enjoyable, successful, and worthy of replication.

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2220. Back to Basics: Two Roots of Compatibility


Subject: Her ability to love and his protection of self-respect are the roots. If evidence fades of the importance or the weakening of either factor, their compatibility cracks and crumbles. Can separation be far away?

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Definitions:

  • Her love is the open expression of her natural ability and drive to be highly important to someone else. Affection and helpfulness are the most prominent reflections of it.
  • His self-respect is his satisfaction of who he is and what he does, mostly arrived at independent of others. Pride and stubbornness are the most prominent reflections of it.

A woman is convinced that her ability to love is her most priceless possession. She protects it best by loving someone. Using her ability makes her feel good about herself, so she’s eager to love.

Men don’t think much about self-respect unless endangered but they defend it as if a priceless possession. But there’s a curious twist. She actively and directly expresses her love, because she gets satisfying feedback that confirms her importance. He passively defends his self-respect by refusing to participate where he can’t find satisfaction with himself—e.g., wedding decorations, chick flicks (he also avoids guilt), mushy love stories, housekeeping at female standards.

Through dreams, achievements, and self-satisfactions, a man makes himself independent among the legion of men in his life. The greater his satisfaction of who and what he is, the greater his self-respect. He associates with men and women to fulfill his present-day ambitions. When pride and satisfaction with himself soars beyond the minimum that he expects, he easily convinces himself that he can continue to do well in his world.

It turns him toward more risky ventures, which opens the door for a woman to enter and turn his life into something else. (Low self-respect turns men away from risky ventures, such as marriage and raising kids.) Studying the risk, he considers himself as good potential for mating. He begins searching for a good woman. One that’s sufficiently virtuous to satisfy and reinforce his self-respect.

The higher and more firmly his self-respect is embedded, the more easily he turns to one woman. Self-respect enables him to spread his wings into the marital regime. He’s able to gamble on living differently. He foresees the possibility of finding satisfaction with himself by living with a woman. Being proud of who he is and what he does successfully, he expects his wife to contribute and support fulfilling his ambitions. She can brighten his present life by first being loyal and likeable, second being sexually available, and third by adding care and comfort. All done in support of his responsibility outside the home that helps fulfill his responsibility inside. Those are his expectations for compatible marriage.

Women instinctively seem to know that, and they keep courtship as calm waters. They withhold the idea that they can make him a better man. Unfortunately, modern women change after marriage and they often do the very things that weaken husband’s self-respect.

——

The male nature motivates a man to live up to some thing bigger than himself. He’s hardwired to dream and live up to such things as an adventure, accomplishment, career, invention, job, public office. Being primarily a hunter-conqueror, a mate doesn’t enter that picture except through lessons learned in life.

The female nature motivates a woman to live up to someone bigger than herself. She avoids guilt by not disappointing others, her God, her man, her children, her parents, her closest friend. She concentrates her effort and gives her all when she marries and makes husband the ‘bigger someone’. As her love object, she rightfully expects him to continually acknowledge her importance in his life. Unfortunately, man aren’t made to do that either; they require social and domestic conditioning done most effectively when growing up.

A couple can be compatible as long as he doesn’t reject her love or she endanger his self-respect. On principle, however, his self-respect makes him unaware of her hopes of making him a better man by living up to some one other than some thing. Her drive to change him begins with the conviction that he needs that improvement from who he is to what she thinks will be better for him (rationalized) but actually better for her.

So, what causes incompatibility? Men don’t change without indirect and preferably undetectable incentives. A woman tries to change her man directly. She criticizes and demeans him mistakenly thinking he will live up to her expectations. But he rejects it, which to her is rejection of good intentions, which is pretty much the same as rejection of her love.

As a direct result of her inability to change him, she finds reason to distrust or dismiss her likeability of and loyalty to him. That is, she kills the very factors that he interprets as her love. Thus, she proves that he no longer qualifies for her love. He’s no longer a bigger someone to live up to, which means he no longer adds to her importance either.

Her treatment of him no longer appears to be love after all. It clouds with doubt his conviction of self-respect, which makes him determined to do other things to resist his being forced to change to meet her expectations.

Her conviction that she’s doing the right thing for their relationship poisons his self-respect, which motivates him to escape. IOW, he never expected to earn self-respect from her, but he will always refuse to let her disdain him as if he lacks it. By the time he realizes what she’s doing, her loyalty is suspect and her likeability has deteriorated, and so he flees mentally or physically in self-defense and puts up every barrier to prove his self-respect is intact. No woman can treat him that way and get by with it.

Compatibility requires that she be allowed to express her love in ways that she determines are best but which reinforce rather than tear down his self-respect. He must be allowed to remain who he is and what he does. In return, he must provide her with the sense of her importance to him. Fully honoring those obligations for each spouse to deliver to the other, over time their relationship can morph into greater acceptability of each other and expand their mutual loyalty and likeability. That’s how wife receives a new revelation. She accomplished her long-range objective and converted Mr. GoodEnough into Mr. Right.

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2176. Dating in Mid-life — Part C9: Prepare Against Submission


Gotcha! Prepare against submission? Yes, and do it while dating. No legal, moral, marital, or biblical injunction makes you submit. In fact, both sexes have free will, both are made to be compatible as mates, and to submit means that one side loses. However, superior relationship wisdom enables women to generate win-win regularly if not every time. Your relationship expertise ranks with adaptability and survivability as cardinal traits that enable the irresistible force to move immovable objects.

Your man may not have been taught any better; he might try to enforce submission. You may have to teach him. Indirectly works smoothest and leadership by example works best. Your examples can be absorbed as logic, reason, and the compatible nature of mating. Men look for logic and reason and love the likeability afforded by compatibility.

Marital common sense to teach such things is embedded in the female nature. Not in you? Not to worry. I’m here to help. As you will soon see, submissiveness is the hub around which revolves most of the important family interactions.

When you marry and husband expects you to submit, you steal his thunder by revealing a submissive spirit that shows him how smartly he married. Submissive, it’s an adjective describing you as volunteering; you don’t do mandatory. Why volunteer? Are the following 16 reasons enough?

1) A family can’t stay together with two leaders, too bosses equally yoked to the same undivided responsibility. They eventually fight for dominance. 2) A man won’t conscientiously honor and fulfill his responsibility unless he appears to dominate control of it; it’s his nature and often more ego than logical. 3) You are more flexible, the relationship expert, and the only one capable of balancing and harmonizing all the challenges inherited with family life. Without you taking the home load off of husband, he’s not free enough to earn a good living. 4) Two bosses can be successful only when they agree to having separate responsibilities, and a separation of powers empowers and rewards them both. 5) Children can’t function much less develop successfully, if they have unequal standards and expectations to which they must respond. It causes confusion to reign, teaches rebellion, and kids learn to play one parent against the other. Everyone functions better with only one boss, and kids respond best to mom with backup from her husband. 6) You can’t manage the home without husband’s recognition and acceptance that it is your responsibility, which places you in the follower’s role wherein submissiveness pays off with greater success for both parties. 7) A successful organization needs both a chief executive officer and chief operating officer, CEO as ultimate authority and COO to administer CEO policies. 8) The ultimate authority is no better than the chief operator below who promotes the respect due him, protects his reputation, and preserves his dignity even when he doesn’t deserve it. 9) The next-to-ultimate authority does best when looked upon as supporter and facilitator of CEO’s expectations. 10) Men are satisfied and significant—happy in your words—when someone weaker proves to be stronger in surprising and dedicated ways. 11) Whereas husband can’t do it at least by his nature, you can bring the superiority of your gender into the home—especially adjust-ability and survivability—in ways that everyone benefits. 12) He’s not naturally willing; only you can find ways to balance his dominance against getting your way sufficiently to fulfill your hopes and dreams. 13) Converting from courtship to marriage, you’re capable and understand the wisdom of shifting from the competitive mode of protecting yourself to the cooperative mode of fulfilling your marriage. 14) He’s generally unwilling to do something about it, but you are well enabled to find ways to smooth the rough edges from his dominance. 15) With his constant focus on the present, and your focus more in the future, you’re better situated to adjust to his present-day needs than he to your future aspirations. 16) Submissiveness enables you to impose a rank structure that calms family leadership jitters. In rank order, this works well: husband, wife, mother, father, and children, which splits adult roles into four separate responsibilities for better, more efficient, and more easily acceptable decision making.

Accomplishing all those things fits naturally into your marital persona. He’ll see all the merit once he’s taught by you. Success starts with your submissiveness that so clearly matches up with your relationship expertise and the other blessings you inherit at birth. Then you can fit him into your nest. (You may find other benefits at Female Blessings at Birth at blog top.)

To prepare for dating, I suggest you study those 16 items above for the different roles that you and future husband will fill. Then, measure each man against your imagination of how you two will fill those roles. That is, imagine how his personality would fit yours in this situation, just for example. As his wife and ‘second in command’, you hold him up as more important than the kids. Yet, as their mother, you fight him in favor of the kids. Can and will he help fulfill your hopes and dreams and be Mr. Good Enough? Or…?

You might deny it, but I view it this way. Mystique mystifies you, vanity promotes you, modesty protects you, marriage insures you, and submissiveness elevates you to kingpin in the monogamy-sphere. Nothing else produces a more successful family. You see, when you know what you’re doing, you do everything right for everyone. It’s your superior conscience. That, darling, is what the submissive spirit enables you to do. To give it a fanciful name, I call it sterling wifeliness.

——

P.S. For background material, you may wish to review the 12-part submission series that runs with interruptions from 2043 to 2058. (Or, two dozen other articles with submissive/submission in title plus a chapter in my book.)

 

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2145. Unisex Fails Women


It’s been happening for half a century through six or seven generations of females, each of which seeks its own identity with a different lifestyle from previous ones.

Women possess some male hormones, and I use testosterone merely as example. Hormones respond to behavior. The more masculine-like is female behavior, the higher the level of Big T. The higher the level, the more masculine they act in response, so hormones and behavior trigger more of the other and spiral upward making women more like men. The reverse is true too. The more feminine women behave, the less T floods their body and the less they act like men.

Most men want to marry a virtuous woman, but she’s not virtuous enough unless she’s fascinating to him. Except for sexual potential, men see little or no fascination in women who act like men. Such women possess too few of the virtuous qualities that fascinate men.

Consequently, over 50 or so years women migrated from potential mates to undesirables for permanent relationships. They depend on romantic love to support their relationships. It fades in a year or two after conquest, and men are free to move on to another sex object, if they didn’t move on before.

The unisex movement is political and sprang out of Feminism. Ergo, feminist thinking, theory, and belief are responsible for short duration of marriages. But it’s really not that simple; that’s just the foundation. Unisex politics convinced women they should act more like men, which flooded them with more testosterone, which brought out more self-centered female aggressiveness that men find unpleasant, which cost women much of their non-sexual fascination, which lured men into sex-only relationships, which brought about the shortening of marriages.

The more feminine that women behave, the more likely they appear fascinating to men, and the more likely men see promise in them as lifelong mates. They are made that way in order to live compatibly with each other.

 

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2136. Attention, Ladies — My Dilemma


I published article 2131 on male blessings received at birth. Just three guys and one lady reflected any reaction and only one reported their opinion about more than one of the items on the list. Perhaps many of you missed it due to holiday pressures. I request you take a relook and rethink.

You may have trouble with me calling them blessings. But remember this, men and women are made to be compatible. So, everything we inherit at birth must be a blessing even though it might be something women wish men didn’t have. There is a reason, though, or at least I believe there is.

Post 2131 may be more easily dealt with if I enlarge the ‘scoring’ system. Instead of true/false with T or F. You may find it easier to reflect your opinion as believable (B) or unbelievable (U). Mark it that way if you desire. In either case, I would appreciate comment or opinion before I do all the work of compiling it in the final format I envisioned earlier. A version to be permanently posted similar to Female Blessings at Birth on home page menu.

Guy

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2135. Compatibility Axioms #621-630


621. Blame neutralizes or kills compatibility. She is unhappy with her man and blames him. He doesn’t understand her; things aren’t that bad. She’s just ungrateful for him, it appears unjustified, and he after all is a good man doing his best. If she explains it, he disagrees. What else is he supposed to do? Blaming him tampers with his sense of significance, his greatest fear especially when his woman questions it. As his self-defense attitude tells him, he’s challenged as a man and determines to produce results different and perhaps opposite to what she wants. [217]

622. Over time men seek improvements in their lives. They keep trying to better these main objectives: Frequent and convenient sex; meals easier to fix; comfortable recovery from daily work; sex partner that reflects credit on him. A man does it until satisfied with himself. Or compensated with a satisfying alternative such as a good and attractive wife. [217]

623. Her outside appearance attracts a man, her internal qualities hold him. [219]

624. Men seek to marry a virtuous woman, one they find so virtuous as to be fascinating. She’s only as virtuous as a man admires her qualities including appearance, traits, and achievements. So, her rewards associating with men come mostly from being admired for qualities superior to those of other women. Marital inclinations start with one man’s admiration of one woman that exceeds admiration of others. [219]

625. Loneliness and marriage are incompatible. Loneliness comes from too much self-centeredness that lacks self-importance. Sincere giving of herself to others and finding gratitude outside herself increases self-importance and drives out loneliness. [219]

626. What she thinks about most, she gets. If it’s unhappiness, she turns unhappy. If it’s pleasure, she turns toward that. If it’s loneliness, she migrates toward more of it. If its suspicion of his cheating, he’s driven toward it. (The subconscious mind takes each of us toward what we think about the most, whether good or bad, desired or undesired, liked or hated, feared or coveted.) [219]

627. Everything for which she can be grateful adds to her happiness. [219]

628. Modest attire, feminine mystique, moral restraint, monogamous spirit, and proud breast display make gaining access to sex with her appear as a major challenge. He sees that much more togetherness will be required for him to score than with women who dress suggestively or erotically. Except for the ultimate challenge of conquest, challenges are better motivators of men than sex. [220]

629. Feminine mystique stimulates the male mind to slow his charge to conquer, else he may miss out. [220]

630. Modest attire stimulates the male mind to slow its boldness, else he might offend her and lose out. [220]

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2130. Male Bonding


Sir Eric’s clear and worthy questions at 2127 inspire this post.

Two conquerors face off. He seeks conquest; she seeks marriage. The female nature is willing to change to conquer. But the male nature resists, resents, and even retaliates against changing to please anyone else and especially a woman. (We observe it in toddlers.)

Bonding arises out of the male nature only when tied to something of significant interest. A prospective conquest is of prime significance. Males thus face an internal conflict. To conquer they have to change to please a woman if she won’t easily part with her favors.

Women love and partially bond before conquest, and sex finalizes the process for them. Bonding is not necessary for conquest but mutual bonding is for marriage. Thus, another conflict. Lifetime obligations don’t emerge unless the man changes sufficiently well that mutual bonding occurs.

A man will change provided he has the proper incentive. His self-interest to conquer makes him willing to pay that price. He will change over time to conquer a resisting woman. He will teach himself to please her in order to please himself and vice versa. It starts as desire to conquer but morphs away from sex to her when her fascination and promise for his future outshine his desire to conquer. His pleasing actions become new habits over time and reprogram his heart into believing she’s worth it.

All done in hope of convincing her into bed sooner rather than later. His conquering motivations provide the glue, his actions clamp two self-interests together in mutual bond. Thus, it appears that he changes to please a woman but he doesn’t. He changes to please himself, to facilitate conquering her. Both are beneficiaries of the process that works in two steps when women hold out for marriage.

1) Frustration being the father of invention, men denied first sex together find words of commitment. Further denials of sex bring out greater effort including his conscience to honor his words and thus deepen his commitment. Such commitment, however, doesn’t hold nearly as much adhesive as does the second part of the bonding process which happens over more time.

2) Devotion emerges out of his continued actions that please him for pleasing her, and those actions program his heart with emotions that bond. (The deeper his devotion becomes, however, the more it shifts her toward the alpha role in marriage, which invites her to do wrong things and thus makes it easier for her to screw up their marriage).

Thus, if change is a trap, he’s self-seduced by desire to conquer. By withholding sex, a woman provides the incentive that drives him to change and become capable of bonding well with her.

When her actions work contrary to his intentions, his frustration for first sex turns into the pursuit of sex only and less interest in her. Consequently, her job is to keep him in pursuit, which calls primarily for no sexual relations. Remove that incentive and a man’s bonding is far less likely to solidify into permanent obligation.

I realize the real world doesn’t work like that today. But, I describe the nature of men and women that closes the gap between her natural inheritance to be compatible with a mate and his natural resistance to mate up permanently with only one.

 

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