Tag Archives: conquer

Blog 2223 — Relationship Strategies: Dating


Subject: This the first of four stages of relationship development: dates with a guy, courtship with boyfriend, engagement with fiancé, and married with husband. Four different roles that men pass through at the pleasure of a woman.

Relationships develop best when women establish their standards, figuratively write the rules, and stick by them. The younger she starts the better. It helps for each girl or woman to journalize requirements for both her and candidates for Mr. GoodEnough. She already has her hopes and dreams for marriage.

Here’s how dating work best. The purpose is to build your case that you’re worthy and owed something for your time, effort, and consideration of every man’s interest in you. You intend to be super-valuable to the man who finally earns you with a ring.

Your attitude sets the stage. Work your tail to the bone to capture a guy for dating or courtship and you will produce less of what you want in the end. Try to be liked and you won’t be. Focus on winning his heart, and you won’t hold it for long. Focus your thinking on convincing him of your everlasting love, and you’ll subdue if not kill his interest in you.

OTOH, enable him to date and escort as he designs and figures what he’s willing to do to win your favor. You smooth out the roughness that ensues and shape the relationship into what makes you valuable to him and worthy of him. While he tries to conquer you for sex, you try to discover his character as worthy of you for marriage. If he isn’t good enough, you’re wasting your valuable time and limited youthful appearance.

Try too hard to date well, and you’ll likely miss out on courtship. If he doesn’t have to work hard to win you for a steady girlfriend, you won’t be all that valuable or permanent in his heart. Your purpose for date 1 is to get date 2. For date 2 is to get date 3 and on and on until you discreetly promote and generate routine togetherness, which morphs into courtship declared to be underway as described in the second article of this series.

He has to pay for your attention and company, which means that he pays for dates. In response to his urge to conquer, you respond with your insistence that you’re too worthy of some man willing to pay a higher price in terms of obligation. Draw the line against any talking about sex except this: Affirm that he’s free to pursue sex with others, that it’s none of your business. Let him know that you don’t care what he does except when with you, and that includes no more talk about sex.

Go to quiet mode or change the subject every time and every which way he manages to bring it up. Dating doesn’t open the sex door, or there’s less reward for you when you enter courtship. Let him know indirectly that even the privilege of talking about sex must be earned. (All of the above done indirectly and not using such direct terms as I use. Feminine skill and relationship expertise is required for dating.)

Dating boils down to this. Recognize and let him as the leader initiate the exposure of feelings. To show that you yearn for his attention or are eager for his affection is to show that he can win you with less effort, which makes his challenge smaller, which makes his winning less meaningful, which makes his dating you less important in his life, which except for sex makes you unimportant.

Stage two, courtship, is coming up next.

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2173. He Badgers You About Sexual History


Commenting at 2172 Her Highness Juju inspired another break in the mid-life dating series. This article responds to her, but I’ve made it relevant for all women.

That Horse is Dead responded to Juju with this sound reasoning:

“If a man ‘badgers you constantly’ to disclose your sexual history and you’ve made yourself clear that the topic is not up for discussion (no ring, no booty), I believe he disqualifies himself as Mr. Good Enough. Your actions speak to the fact that his accusations are unfounded especially when he can’t conquer you himself. He’s fishing for your weaknesses, so allow him to go fish somewhere else, preferably back into the parade of men you will never regret.”

To which I add a way out for Juju and all women badgered for any reason to go against their will. There comes a time when every man needs to be put in his place in the world of females.

Juju, you should make a decision. Are you tough enough to get your way and end his inquisition forever? If yes, then study and figure out how to make the following proposal fit your personality and character. Then do it with courage and determination knowing that you’re in the right. (Don’t consult with girlfriends first; prepare and do it all by yourself.)

In private, sit him down, stand over him, point your finger in his face, and proclaim with a stern face, emphatic words, but not angry voice. Both countenance and sounds he’s never heard from you, “It – is – none – of – your – business. My sexual history is exclusively my business.” (He should wonder why he deserves what he’s receiving. He feels relatively innocent but now knows better.)

Don’t complain, don’t explain further. Don’t let him initiate a dialogue. End the convo and do something else immediately. Let him stew on his own what he just saw and heard. (What he sees registers more impressively than what he hears.)

Now I know you intuitively object to doing such a thing. It strikes you as not feminine and perhaps outrageous. Perhaps so, but let me describe some of the LASTING benefits that flow out of the instinctive* side of human nature.

  1. He will be shocked and become more in awe of you and your internal strength. It earns respect.
  2. Should you marry, the influence of that moment will last forever. It earns respect. (A woman should restrict herself to about a half-dozen of such dramatic and purposely designed encounters in a lifetime marriage. More is to lose the beneficial effects.)
  3. Your emphatic verbalization will surprise him and turn him against earning or deserving it again. It earns respect.
  4. You will shape your relationship such that he either departs or stays welded for life to his fear of your anger which you just presented without anger. It earns respect and will keep him wary of his behaviors that may cause your anger.
  5. He will remember the look on your face, and every time he sees it in the future, you will have his undivided attention. (Unless you overuse it.)
  6. If your relationship breaks up, other guys will hear not about your sexual status as much as about your willingness to shake up their composure if they say wrong things, and not just about your history. Only guys who want you badly enough will man up, so half of your screening job is done. (Oh, you may miss out on a few dates, but those you do have should be with better quality—or at least more courageous—guys.)
  7. You set the stage for successfully negotiating to your favor just what submission means if you marry him.
  8. Out of those multiple infusions of respect, enduring love can grow. It’s the kind needed to sustain a couple after romantic love fades in a year or two.
  9. Men seek to marry a strong woman. You just made your foundation obvious and the word will spread. More importantly, you just made yourself a more courageous and probably a better woman.
  10. You make a significant investment in turning your relationship into one for the long term.

You accomplished all that by conquering your cautious intuition and mustering your hard-headed courage to put an end to badgering, which you neither deserve nor want to tolerate. Such a strong stand helps prepare you for other strong stands you will need as you pass through this ‘veil of tears’ (in Appalachian lingo).

You will learn from his reactions if he’s Mr. GoodEnough or not, which makes the final result the consequence of your actions.

——

* Instinctive as inherited at birth. Intuitive as from lessons learned in life.

 

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2155 — Compatibility Axioms #691-700


691. Whatever embarrasses a woman reveals her heart-felt and unchanging modest nature. When she tries to overcome or ignore it for a man, she misses earning his respect, which enlarges his dominion over her.  [237]

692. Female modesty rigidly enforced is the strongest natural counterbalance to male domination. She wins as a person entitled to equal respect by defending her modest nature competitively with other persons also due respect even with their immodesty. [237]

693. The second strongest counterbalance is a woman’s self-respect and determination to stand up for herself, her dignity, her claims for the proper alignment of things in her life. She wins a man’s respect by defending her values, standards, and expectations competitively as a woman standing up for herself and making him take the back seat to her character.

694. The third strongest counterbalance is a woman’s actions that prove her loyalty to, respect of, and dependence on a man. All displayed with an attitude of gratitude for who he is and what he does. Thus, she wins indirect influence by not competing over who has the dominant role. [237]

695. Her lack of values, standards, and expectations means that she follows her man’s. The lower his are, the more that testosterone and male dominance direct his life. It makes their life together ever harder for her to upgrade. [237]

696. She comes across as respectable, courageous, and strong—and maybe and unfortunately disposable—when she repeatedly has the strength to say ‘No’ to conquest. [237]

697. (This is one of my favorites.) As one woman claimed, Femininity adds color to a man’s black and white world. (Alison A. Armstrong, Keys to the Kingdom, 2003, PAX Programs, Inc. Sherman Oaks, CA , p.151) [244]

698. She makes her single self worthy of a man and thus becomes seller instead of buyer. This clicks her for the recycle bin, although he may not dump her until later.  [244]

699. By conqueror’s right he takes control of their sexual agenda. She needs to own it until marriage, because it lays firm groundwork for counterbalancing his dominance after marriage. [244]

700. Men separate sex from the gal. It’s natural because the urge to conquer obscures the person behind the sex target. She only has to be known well enough to convince her into bed. Women let men get by with it by not requiring a well-developed and deeper relationship before yielding. [244]

P.S. The series on dating in mid-life is still in preparation. Coming soon to a screen near you.

 

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508. Response to Viewer — Item 05


Easybreezy asked when she should tell a guy that she’s ‘saving herself for marriage’. No right answer exists, but an ideal one may.

It’s best if he doesn’t have to be told but discovers it with marriage, but that’s virtually impossible nowadays. If he has to be told, the following might be ideal. Use the issue to confirm his devotion instead of just commitment.

First, you mutually commit to marriage. Then, if you’re sure he’s not just saying it to conquer you, telling him may be okay. But that’s an imprecise judgment call.

So, how about a more precise test? Tell him between his words “Will you marry me” and your accepting the ring. Full disclosure at this time will ease doubts about whether he’s after SEX or YOU. Of course it’s risky and maybe hazardous, but then what isn’t about courtship brought to a head or getting him to accept your standards and expectations.

I favor making it none of his business; your actions show that having sex is not on the premarital agenda.* The following pressures favor delay, delay, delay.

·        When you say “I’m saving myself” in the modern world, you’re effectively saying “You’re not good enough.” You attack his significance. It’s a demotivator for all but the guy that cherishes you beyond all else.

·        Not yielding and not explaining brings out the best and worst in him. You learn to ‘read’ and better predict his true interests regarding you.

·        Delay after delay gains more time to condition his thinking about you and what you bring to him and marriage. More time for his curiosity to stimulate his imagination about the promises of marital sex. (I quoted him before: Einstein said “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”)

·        If you successfully save yourself, he will know he earned the greatest reward you have to give from a woman he admires and respects for her having kept the issue private even with him. No better sign exists of your self-respect.

None of this is foolproof, but it seems ideal to this man.

* Following Easybreezy’s comments on post 504, Her Highness Stacy and Princess Reina add lots of high quality perspective and practicality.

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318. His Mindset About Sex


The female mindset: Women worry about three phases of sex: foreplay, intercourse, and intimacy afterward. Men don’t.

Background

·        Adolescent male nature:  Intercourse is just intercourse. Foreplay should be unnecessary but can be fun. Intimacy interferes with recovery. Who’s next?

·        Mature male nature: Certain emotional involvements—such as respect and affection for her—add meaning and necessity to a man’s foreplay and intimacy. Her likeability adds too, but her attractiveness does not. (Attractiveness inspires the chase, but its emotional involvement fades after foreplay.)

A man’s sense of responsibility, significance, and permanence with his partner add considerations and connectedness that she appreciates. But his devotion makes him far more receptive to fulfilling her needs, especially after romantic love fades in a year or two.

The male mindset: Men are hormonally loaded to conquer attractive women. They plan around and worry about three things different than females: pre-conquest, post-conquest, and avoiding loss of their independence to hunt and conquer.

Of course, some men plan for and seek marriage. Being devoted to marriage is not the same as devoted to her, so she still has worries about his foreplay, intimacy, and even permanence.  

For more on the male mindset, see the Content page at the top for this series. Also try Do women know jack about Jack?

 

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294. Virtual virginity #16


  Even though previously married, virtual virginity success lies with her friendly feminine charm and persistent refusal to have unmarried sex. If he won’t honor her wishes or forces himself on her, he’ll be worse after conquest, during shack up, and even after marriage.

  This springs from adolescent thinking: If he conquers a true virgin superstar in looks, his significance among peers skyrockets for having the freedom to dump her. 

  Virtual virginity’s power shifts all the attention from him to her. 

  His ‘conqueror’s rights’ emerge after their first sex together. It’s as natural as her succumbing to his charm or looks.

  Virtual virginity gives a woman time to impose her values and blend her relationship into a joint effort, because he’s willing to listen as he searches for her weaknesses that will enable conquest.

  If they divorced and she wants him back, virtual virginity works best. If they have sex anytime for any reason, he will not change. If he really, truly, emphatically wants her back, he will change into a different man if she refuses sex until remarriage.

  Conquering a virgin is the ultimate, but not as women think. He’s first among his buds. It pads both ego and bragging rights.

[More about virtual virginity appears in posts 273, 248, 231, 212, 198, 181, 169, 158, 147, 136, 125, 96, 70, 51, and 44. Post 25 describes options for girls. Scroll down or search for the number with a dot and space following.]

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280. Female Fortitude—96 through 100


These ‘fortitudinals’ provide special themes or summaries. Numbers match previous posts.

96.     She always appears more respectful in the eyes of men that cannot conquer her. A man’s love is built upon his respect for a woman. 

97.     A man’s devotion to wife and marriage are not the same. The former is based on his heart, his feelings for her. The latter is based on his mind, values, principles, vows, and his word—to the extent that he honors such things.

98.     Younger women and their imitators primarily use skin to make boobs attractive. It works. However, men imprinted with thoughts about sex bypass focusing on her other qualities. Sex moved to the back burner moves men to chase her for herself instead of sex.

99.     Pop culture promiscuity reinforces to females that males are only after sex. Chastity teaches women that men are more interesting than that.  

100.   When marriage is less than absolutely essential to a woman, her boyfriend is miles ahead of her in avoiding it.

[Previous fortitudinals appear in posts 275, 270, 265, 260, 255, 250, 245, 240, 234, 228, 213, 203, 199, 186, 182, and 176.]

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