Tag Archives: cooperation

2755. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 06 Kill the Blame


Our Judeo-Christian culture degenerates as feminist-inspired lack of respect for the opposite sex spreads the use of blame to change manly behavior. Both sexes claim that relationship problems are the fault of the other side. Everyday pressures seem to make wives almost eager to find blame with husbands. It’s become habitual and perhaps epidemic in relationships.

Blame is so offensive and treacherous that it offers no escape. Hidden barbs continue to irritate the relationship skin long after peace has apparently been restored.

It’s not that men always or that all men resent blame, but women should expect it in order to know how to best deal with their man. The long-range objective is marital success, no separation now or ever. The immediate objective should be to avoid blame. Find some other way to lead her man to what she finds acceptable.

Men view their wife’s dissatisfactions this way. If he can do something about it, he will try. If not, why dump it on him? If neither she nor he can handle it, they can get someone else. What’s the big deal that warrants her blaming him?

 The Scene. Within a couple’s life, compatibility is essential, cooperation is both her incentive and overpowering talent, and collaboration and his alliance should be her goal. OTOH competition with her man is her enemy, because it’s the root of blame and with which men refuse to live.

Men do not willingly compete with their woman. They rely on dominance to get their way, when they have to have it. They fear the indignity of losing to a physically weaker person, and so they avoid or end competition to favor themselves.

Women seem to think that because men often resemble little boys in their behavior, they should be treated as little boys and they will behave better. Wifely frustrations often inspire women to raise their voices, get in their man’s face, and proclaim or preach female insistence about things. They want their way, and they want it now. Their anger fades after they unload on him, but the damage is done at his end. She considers him inadequate, insignificant, or worse or so it seems to him. In response, her likeability deteriorates and her loyalty becomes suspect.

Sometimes quietly and sometimes not so quietly, men resent, resist, and often retaliate. His woman’s blame deals a blow to a man’s sense of significance, which energizes his greatest offense to prove her wrong if only by claiming it if he can’t prove it.

It’s her right to defend her territory as she sees fit, and pop culture and media programs exemplify it. The matriarchal push of Feminism causes women to broadcast their rights and privileges into the ever-resentful faces of men. Having the right to do it, however, doesn’t mean its right to do it. But women learn that point after their man leaves them.

The subject is blame. If women use it, their man will use it against them and include every intent to win and restore his sense of dignity, responsibility, and personal significance.

Foreground. Couples don’t think about it as clearly or directly as this. Husband expects to be responsible to see that their marriage hangs together, but she’s in charge of the details. Wife expects to see that all goes well and successfully in their relationship, home, and family, but he’s responsible to provide what she needs or lacks.

Many hidden agendas are wrapped up in the current scene, and blame is both the easiest and worst outlet for failure to work together. Why don’t they work together? Because competition stifles cooperation and collaboration and opens the door to blame.

The good wife avoids competition with husband; she pushes for cooperation until they collaborate jointly and successfully. She avoids competition knowing full well that it’s the starting point of blame.

What causes them to compete? Each mate is inborn with desire to get their way with others, and they often lack mutual respect for the other’s person and role. The most prominent causes are these: 1) One mate doesn’t respect, trust, or dislikes what the other does, and so they over supervise and tell the other HOW to do what they do. Competition highlights such encounters. 2) Each trying to get their way stirs competition. Ignoring her ability to be patient, wife is unable to yield to his decisions in the present, so that she can prevail in the future.

Competition squeezes out cooperation and prevents collaboration, which far too easily becomes habitual. Bad habits over time defeat marital success.

In action. When things go astray or wrong with husband, wives tend to favor two approaches.

  1. She blames him to the full extent of his wrongdoing with the mistaken expectation that he will correct himself and not do it again; that he will try harder to meet her expectations in the future.
  2. She may even seek to punish him, as if he’s a little boy. It insults him, and she can expect resistance, retaliation, or worse.

She may get her way, but it’s not likely their compatibility will improve when wife takes either approach. Neither is it likely he will change to meet her future expectations.

Blaming him increases competitive pressure, deposits irritants amidst their mutual likeability, and weakens compatibility, all at the same time. Blame is poison to a man, especially coming from his woman. Blame makes him want to do the opposite of what she hopes to achieve. (It’s not an alibi, it’s his competitive nature to fight back and dominant urge to win against physically weaker foes.)

Moreover, here’s some husband-think. He knows she has the ability to register dissatisfaction with him in a more agreeable way. She ought to use her considerate kindness; it’s a virtue that helped promote interest in her as his wife. If forgetfulness isn’t in her hand of cards, where is his payday when he needs it?

Moreover, she’s endowed with magnificent powers of forgiveness, if her man deserves special consideration for all else that he does. She can downgrade his offense or forgive his wrongdoing and compensate herself by finding and claiming gratitude that credits hubby for keeping her satisfied with their relationship. Not the easiest strategy by far, but the most agreeable for her long range interests. Forgiveness being a female strength, why not use it to keep the relationship she has worked so hard to cultivate?

The forgiveness part is easiest for her, but his main interest is that she forget it. He doesn’t feel forgiven unless it’s forgotten, because she can use it against him sometime in the future. He made a mistake and will do better, provided she can forget it. It’s a concession men are usually willing to make; he’ll do better if she will forget it this time.

Overlooking his wrongdoing and giving hubby credit for his presence and achievements reinforces their compatibility and enhances prospects for marital success. Blame offends him, but allowing him to skate relatively free confirms that all is okay with her, he must be okay too, and so their marriage is okay. Nothing to use against him in the future.

Thus, acceptance of his flaws strengthens their compatibility. Forgiveness strengthens her heart for handling those who need to find merit in themselves and to more assertively please her. And her ability to forget calms his fears about the next time he needs her forgiveness.

If she’s unsatisfied with him, blame or threats are her worst strategies. It puts them in competition, invites future battles over other matters, and men don’t lose battles to their woman.

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Filed under Dear daughter, How she loses, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

2256. Interface of Natural Love: Compatibility and Mutual-interest


To describe a couple’s love requires that it be examined in three stages: foundation, two personalities, and individual self-interests.

  1. The foundation is how they are born differently and then come together. That natural interface is described in the previous article (2255).
  2. Rising above that foundation, two personalities must be compatible at the start or made so as their relationship develops. “Made so” implies that someone has to change in order to adjust enough to mix masculine competition and feminine cooperation into a workable solution. Men will change before conquest in order to capture a woman if she is more important to him than just for sex.

After conquest, however, instinctive male nature prevents conquerors from changing to please the conquered. So, each woman faces the frustrations of managing her sexual assets in such a way that enables her to integrate two diverse personalities into compatibility.

Moreover, women are blessed with sufficient ability. At birth they inherit an adjustable ability that enables them to achieve what they are after. Management traits of patience and flexibility that men lack (for dealing with women, that is) enable decisions wiser than his when she’s choosing a mate.

Simply by managing how competition about conquest morphs into cooperation without conquest, women can bring forth the blossoms of love in relationship development. The only requirement is that he pursues her for sex and she refuses until he meets her expectations for sufficient devotion to her above others. Without her love of him and his devotion to her, there’s not enough meat to share on the compatibility platter.

If she doesn’t ensure before conquest that he obligates himself to fulfill her expectations, then he assumes no responsibility toward or for her well-being. It torpedoes her ship, because the character, strength, and dependability of men is founded on personal obligation to fulfill whatever they consider their responsibility. IOW, making herself his responsibility is the essence of marital love, compatibility, and—up next—mutual-interest.

  1. Self-interest motivates everyone. Unless forced, people don’t violate it. Unless charmed by a good woman, men don’t yield their self-interest to hers. Unless passionate about marrying a particular man, women don’t yield theirs either.

Integrating two very diverse self-interests into mutual-interest is the work of woman. Only she has the interest, traits, and ability to merge such opposing and tremendously personal ‘belongings’. The ingredients that drive self-interest—e.g., tightwad, promiscuous, responsible, fearful, integrity, passionate, ungrateful, selfish, courageous, stubborn, irresponsible—are owned and difficult to part with in order to accommodate someone else’s ingredients that might destroy or infringe on yours.

Integrating two individual self-interests into one synergistic mutual-interest requires monumental and continuous effort. It’s a—and perhaps the—major reason women are so well prepared for it. And men are not.

God designs, Nature endows, and hormones energize man and women differently and they face love at the interface described at 2255. After they meet, just about everything else that has to be done is accomplished by the woman. She integrates their personalities into compatibility and self-interests into mutual-interest. Thus, she earns her man’s respect by achieving marital success, which solidifies his love because respect is the foundation of it.

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2109. Female Blessings at Birth — #94-95


I have identified two more inborn blessings that women possess in their hearts but may not use enough to enhance their self-interest. At the end of each I summarize the blessing as it appears to others and show the natural reaction of men.

Your comments help and I continue to seek your T or F as each registers within your heart of hearts.

I write each blessing in first person, female.

94. I’m both amazed and grateful that I find it easy to be disingenuous or tell little white lies in order to protect the feelings of those I care for, which can include everyone that I appreciate as deserving of my approval. [Guy adds: Men value honesty and integrity higher in the order of principles because they fit better with what men value most—facts, logic, reason, and truth expressed directly. Women place higher value on principles that encourage people to relate well with each other—feelings, cooperation, and relationship success they can develop. Her blessing: She can get along with everybody. His admiration: How does she do that? She’s amazing!

95. I’m not really happy with myself except as I can make someone else happy. It’s my fulfillment in life but also my biggest and never ending challenge. When I can’t or when I don’t, I find that selfishness has risen in my heart. So, to ensure that my sense of self-importance remains high, I have to keep trying to make someone else happy rather than myself. [Guy adds: It’s a major virtue and makes women much better servant-leaders than men, more effective as the heart of a home than the head, and more effective as informal rather than as formal leader.] Her blessing: She’s loaded with common sense. His admiration: She’s great to be around whether as friend, spouse, competitor, or whatever.

96. (I know there are more blessings, so I await suggestions and inspiration. Target remains set at 100.)

I continue to work on this series. It’s bedrock for a happy female life. Long and intricate just as life is. I have also begun work on blessings that men inherit at birth. First installment should appear soon.

 

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2045. Submission #03 — A Brighter Future Awaits


As shown earlier, logic and reason so favored by men actually turns the dark days of “You shall submit” into a greater day of “If it pleases me I will.” The real world takes on quite a different hue when wives are freer to harmonize their relationships. The numbered situations described below provide a deeper understanding of the problems wives may encounter trying to figure out how to make their submissive nature work to brighten their husband’s submission-expected future.

Remember that this entire series is framed within the primal nature of men and women without considering their personal situation or connections. Women have to figure out their situation from principles they can use.

The situations that follow make women aware of the multitude of challenges that can develop. Each requires her attention. No condition ever stands alone in a relationship. However minutely, each spouse has an interest in what the other thinks and does. For every right decision, there is another person who can and might judge it differently. Mistakes are ubiquitous because someone does something and the other calls it wrong, often without thinking. Therefore, in most of the following situations, recovery is possible for women and not an issue for management by men. Locked narrow-mindedly into the concept of ‘submission’, men philosophically have little or no talent for relationship management. Women, however, have the in-born adaptability to bond multiple home voices and conduct them harmoniously.

And you say, ‘but a good alpha male knows how to provide the leadership that leads to harmony’. And I say, don’t believe it. Alpha-determined leadership does not make harmony with the leader’s spouse involved. It just slows her except when he accedes to her silent, unobtrusive, unchallenging, indirect, but respectful leadership. OTOH, it can stop her breathing harmony into their home.

Women shine when they are fully aware of their situation. It keeps them focused on doing a harmonizing job and works best when their husband has been conditioned to listen.

  1. Major differences exist between these two terms. Submission is energized by competitive intent, the man’s staked-out side of life. “I’m the boss.” Submissiveness is energized by her cooperative spirit. “Us comes before you and me” is part of a woman’s life until she is driven away from it or learned otherwise earlier in life.
  2. Men expect female submission, but the female nature dodges it. Women expect to employ their natural submissive spirit to do what they think is best. When disagreements turn into competition, husband intends to dominate. When wife smoothes competition into cooperation that doesn’t offend his masculine prerogatives, husband goes along to get along. It takes awhile for men to learn it, but if they want their castle to resound with harmony, they must pay more attention to her. Otherwise harmony among multiple personalities will not prevail under the males’ hard-hearted leadership.
  3. Women live by and foster submissiveness, when they like themselves as female, their man as a mate, and their relationship for permanency. It helps capture a man, hold him, and prove that women don’t play the male game of competition but are very willing to play the far more harmonizing female game of cooperation.

Can you use some more wife-promoting situational awareness? Come back tomorrow.

 

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2044. Submission #2 — Wife’s Choice


Most of us have heard this. Ephesians 5:22 (KJV) says, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.”

Now, understand that I’m neither questioning nor contradicting God’s intent or the Bible. Pastors clear it up theoretically but lacking in satisfaction for women; it always seems to lopsidedly favor men. Also, submission seems symbolic, but men take it literally and many autocratically consider it absolute. Women can’t believe men intend them to be so literally unequal in marriage, but they have so little evidence to argue to the contrary. From what they hear in church, many women resent men, the marital wheels squeak louder, and wives seem helpless to find lubrication to stop the squeaking. Everyone seems to ignore the rest of the biblical story, which for men is easy and preferred.

Wives face an undeserved burden. It weakens their marital role, seems to allege a subservient condition, reduces self-confidence, encourages masculine dominance, and fosters dispute rather than negotiated settlement. They are victimized because men interpret and impose the biblical spirit to their own advantage. In fact, men need to be taught the following, although those that feel threatened may even reject the logic.

We need only two questions answered. Men have long ignored or forgotten the answers although they too come from the Bible.

  • Do men have free will? The answer of course is yes.
  • Do women have free will? The answer is yes, since all God’s children are equal in His eyes.

Men have the obligation to submit unto the Lord but, since they have free will, they can choose not to do so. With their free will, women can also choose not to submit unto the Lord. Ephesians 5:22 advises women to submit unto both husbands and the Lord. Since they can choose on the latter, they can choose on the former. Women are thus free to submit at their discretion, which makes questions about total obedience illogical. Such wifely freedom taken literally and equally, however, doesn’t fit the marriage covenant, but it completes the religious logic of the subject.

Marriage is a formal contract founded on mutual agreement, which is based on the nature of one man and one woman merging their beliefs, emotions, values, standards, and expectations into combined effort for living together. As the direct consequence of their God-given equality and free will, compatibility arises from their mutual ability to match up and make the following natural motivations work successfully for them. And for the relationship expert to make it all fit together in a harmonious whole:

  • He is motivated to compete and she is motivated to get around marital competition if she can, to avoid the potential for conflict.
  • She is motivated to cooperate and he expects it as normal benefit of yielding his independence at the altar.
  • He is more a producer and she is more a processor. He looks for results. She looks to smooth out bumps in the marital road.
  • He is strong on commanding and ordering. She prefers to be asked and expects to negotiate opposite expectations and to help settle disputes.
  • He is strongly dominant, easily assumes responsibility, and expects those for whom he’s responsible to submit to his leadership. Without submission by followers, he’s handicapped to achieve his desired results—until spouse convinces him of a better way.
  • Both are born hardheaded. The permanence of having a husband energizes her naturally submissive spirit that is available within her natural soft-heartedness. However, wise husbands invariably learn that she also has a hardheadedness that needs to be frequently accommodated or courted.
  • For his intended accomplishments, at the surface her submission seems more important than her cooperation. OTOH, she is submissive and cooperative by nature as long as prospects for the future look at least favorable. So, her submission comes more easily when their future looks more promising. She shines when her submissiveness morphs into submission, but it arises more out of what she sees than what she hears about a brighter future.
  • He is primarily concerned with present-day matters. Her main concerns are for keeping their future good or making it better. She sees it in their interest to be submissive in the present if she can more directly shape their lives in the future. Without that tradeoff, however, she tends to resent, resist, and can easily encourage herself to retaliate.

Relationship experts, the wives, just naturally move to the front of trying to achieve harmony when sour notes invade their marriage. Neither spouse is obligated to submit to the other and whoever gets their way depends on their compatibility and desire to work things out to mutual advantage. Whatever their solution, it’s unique for every couple.

Consequently, there is no universal solution. Men continue to expect women to submit. Women can influence and persuade their man provided they can focus on their future rather than being honked off at the thought of submitting actually or even theoretically. For serendipitous effects, women should ignore the subject. Each has to find her own way to induce harmony within her nest, and one potentially disruptive term should be left out.

When this series continues, a brighter future beckons. Women can benefit by ignoring the subject of submission. By refusing to think of, stir their anger, and follow it with guilt whenever the subject comes up directly or indirectly. Let husbands rant about submission with each other. Women are quite capable of breathing harmony into their home by fixing their thoughts on specific interactions. Dozens of pointers, pearls of wisdom will follow.

 

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2012. Female Blessings at Birth — 13-15


Fifth group and I thank you for offering your opinions.

I take the (currently 84) default attitudes for a test drive, to purify them with deeper analysis by more people. I request readers either confirm or deny each numbered item below with or without comment. To make it easier, I’m only posting three at a time.

Just reply to this article and identify each item by its number and indicate true/false. Accept each default as true to begin with. I will rewrite or delete as results of your analyses justify it.

True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. False means that the item is missing completely from your heart or is something you learned during life. If you learned an item during your life, try as best you can to determine if you actually learned it or just confirmed what already existed in your heart. [If learned or foreign to you, label the item False.]

13. I find solace knowing that I must show respect and gratitude for my husband above all others (and realize when I slow or stop that he will tend to wander). [Editor says: That expression of her nature has roots in her superior skill of adaptability, spirit of cooperation, and sense of importance serving someone else.]
14. I am capable more of giving that taking and am especially grateful for each opportunity to prove myself to myself. [Editor says: Her giving is rooted in her tender-heartedness and the gratefulness in her sense of importance.]
15. I am capable of finding new ways every day to show and encourage my husband that he is respected for who he is and what he does. [Editor says: That conviction arises out of a woman’s determination to brighten her future by constantly striving to improve it or at least keep it from dimming. Thus, she invests in her future by keep her man satisfied that he’s doing right by her.]

Example for responses: “14-T (comments if given)” works okay to reflect your opinion of true to that one item.

Thank you for your opinions.

 

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2011. Female Blessings at Birth — 10-12


Fourth group and I thank you for offering your opinions.

I take the (currently 84) default attitudes for a test drive, to purify them with deeper analysis by more people. I request readers either confirm or deny each numbered item below with or without comment. To make it easier, I’m only posting three at a time.

Just reply to this article and identify each item by its number and indicate true/false. Accept each default as true to begin with. I will rewrite or delete as results of your analyses justify it.

True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. False means that the item is missing completely from your heart or something you learned during life. If you learned an item during your life, try as best you can to determine if you actually learned it or just confirmed what already existed in your heart. [If learned or foreign to you, label the item False.]

10. I can convert the worth I see in others into value for my life and vice versa. [Editor says: She’s born to be adaptable, and mutual worth that is mutually appreciated breeds cooperation and confirms compatibility. Women, as the relationship experts, drive the compatibility bus.]
11. I depend on my husband by doing for him rather than expecting him to do for me. [Editor says: It enlarges her sense of self-importance to do for him, and he interprets it as respect and gratitude that he deserves. Reversed, ‘him doing for her’ all the time translates as his appreciation for her. Being appreciated is temporary to her and has little influence over events that add to her importance and shape her thinking about everything else. Consequently, she becomes much more influential when ‘she does for him’ rather than the reverse. She’s born to do it that way, the intuitive way.]
12. I don’t depend on my boyfriend. He does for me rather than me doing for him. [Editor says: It calls for the opposite reasoning of #11 above. His actions ‘doing for her’ program his heart toward devotion for her. Without actions to please himself for pleasing her, his heart doesn’t reprogram, his devotion doesn’t develop. Furthermore, conquest slows or stops his actions to please her to the same extent, because her yielding sex their first time together tells him that’s all he has to do. He now ‘owns’ their sex agenda so all is well in his world.]

Example for responses: “10-T (comments if given)” works okay to reflect your opinion of true to that one item.

Thank you for your opinions.

 

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