Tag Archives: cooperation

2256. Interface of Natural Love: Compatibility and Mutual-interest

To describe a couple’s love requires that it be examined in three stages: foundation, two personalities, and individual self-interests.

  1. The foundation is how they are born differently and then come together. That natural interface is described in the previous article (2255).
  2. Rising above that foundation, two personalities must be compatible at the start or made so as their relationship develops. “Made so” implies that someone has to change in order to adjust enough to mix masculine competition and feminine cooperation into a workable solution. Men will change before conquest in order to capture a woman if she is more important to him than just for sex.

After conquest, however, instinctive male nature prevents conquerors from changing to please the conquered. So, each woman faces the frustrations of managing her sexual assets in such a way that enables her to integrate two diverse personalities into compatibility.

Moreover, women are blessed with sufficient ability. At birth they inherit an adjustable ability that enables them to achieve what they are after. Management traits of patience and flexibility that men lack (for dealing with women, that is) enable decisions wiser than his when she’s choosing a mate.

Simply by managing how competition about conquest morphs into cooperation without conquest, women can bring forth the blossoms of love in relationship development. The only requirement is that he pursues her for sex and she refuses until he meets her expectations for sufficient devotion to her above others. Without her love of him and his devotion to her, there’s not enough meat to share on the compatibility platter.

If she doesn’t ensure before conquest that he obligates himself to fulfill her expectations, then he assumes no responsibility toward or for her well-being. It torpedoes her ship, because the character, strength, and dependability of men is founded on personal obligation to fulfill whatever they consider their responsibility. IOW, making herself his responsibility is the essence of marital love, compatibility, and—up next—mutual-interest.

  1. Self-interest motivates everyone. Unless forced, people don’t violate it. Unless charmed by a good woman, men don’t yield their self-interest to hers. Unless passionate about marrying a particular man, women don’t yield theirs either.

Integrating two very diverse self-interests into mutual-interest is the work of woman. Only she has the interest, traits, and ability to merge such opposing and tremendously personal ‘belongings’. The ingredients that drive self-interest—e.g., tightwad, promiscuous, responsible, fearful, integrity, passionate, ungrateful, selfish, courageous, stubborn, irresponsible—are owned and difficult to part with in order to accommodate someone else’s ingredients that might destroy or infringe on yours.

Integrating two individual self-interests into one synergistic mutual-interest requires monumental and continuous effort. It’s a—and perhaps the—major reason women are so well prepared for it. And men are not.

God designs, Nature endows, and hormones energize man and women differently and they face love at the interface described at 2255. After they meet, just about everything else that has to be done is accomplished by the woman. She integrates their personalities into compatibility and self-interests into mutual-interest. Thus, she earns her man’s respect by achieving marital success, which solidifies his love because respect is the foundation of it.

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she wins, sex differences

2109. Female Blessings at Birth — #94-95

I have identified two more inborn blessings that women possess in their hearts but may not use enough to enhance their self-interest. At the end of each I summarize the blessing as it appears to others and show the natural reaction of men.

Your comments help and I continue to seek your T or F as each registers within your heart of hearts.

I write each blessing in first person, female.

94. I’m both amazed and grateful that I find it easy to be disingenuous or tell little white lies in order to protect the feelings of those I care for, which can include everyone that I appreciate as deserving of my approval. [Guy adds: Men value honesty and integrity higher in the order of principles because they fit better with what men value most—facts, logic, reason, and truth expressed directly. Women place higher value on principles that encourage people to relate well with each other—feelings, cooperation, and relationship success they can develop. Her blessing: She can get along with everybody. His admiration: How does she do that? She’s amazing!

95. I’m not really happy with myself except as I can make someone else happy. It’s my fulfillment in life but also my biggest and never ending challenge. When I can’t or when I don’t, I find that selfishness has risen in my heart. So, to ensure that my sense of self-importance remains high, I have to keep trying to make someone else happy rather than myself. [Guy adds: It’s a major virtue and makes women much better servant-leaders than men, more effective as the heart of a home than the head, and more effective as informal rather than as formal leader.] Her blessing: She’s loaded with common sense. His admiration: She’s great to be around whether as friend, spouse, competitor, or whatever.

96. (I know there are more blessings, so I await suggestions and inspiration. Target remains set at 100.)

I continue to work on this series. It’s bedrock for a happy female life. Long and intricate just as life is. I have also begun work on blessings that men inherit at birth. First installment should appear soon.



Filed under feminine

2045. Submission #03 — A Brighter Future Awaits

As shown earlier, logic and reason so favored by men actually turns the dark days of “You shall submit” into a greater day of “If it pleases me I will.” The real world takes on quite a different hue when wives are freer to harmonize their relationships. The numbered situations described below provide a deeper understanding of the problems wives may encounter trying to figure out how to make their submissive nature work to brighten their husband’s submission-expected future.

Remember that this entire series is framed within the primal nature of men and women without considering their personal situation or connections. Women have to figure out their situation from principles they can use.

The situations that follow make women aware of the multitude of challenges that can develop. Each requires her attention. No condition ever stands alone in a relationship. However minutely, each spouse has an interest in what the other thinks and does. For every right decision, there is another person who can and might judge it differently. Mistakes are ubiquitous because someone does something and the other calls it wrong, often without thinking. Therefore, in most of the following situations, recovery is possible for women and not an issue for management by men. Locked narrow-mindedly into the concept of ‘submission’, men philosophically have little or no talent for relationship management. Women, however, have the in-born adaptability to bond multiple home voices and conduct them harmoniously.

And you say, ‘but a good alpha male knows how to provide the leadership that leads to harmony’. And I say, don’t believe it. Alpha-determined leadership does not make harmony with the leader’s spouse involved. It just slows her except when he accedes to her silent, unobtrusive, unchallenging, indirect, but respectful leadership. OTOH, it can stop her breathing harmony into their home.

Women shine when they are fully aware of their situation. It keeps them focused on doing a harmonizing job and works best when their husband has been conditioned to listen.

  1. Major differences exist between these two terms. Submission is energized by competitive intent, the man’s staked-out side of life. “I’m the boss.” Submissiveness is energized by her cooperative spirit. “Us comes before you and me” is part of a woman’s life until she is driven away from it or learned otherwise earlier in life.
  2. Men expect female submission, but the female nature dodges it. Women expect to employ their natural submissive spirit to do what they think is best. When disagreements turn into competition, husband intends to dominate. When wife smoothes competition into cooperation that doesn’t offend his masculine prerogatives, husband goes along to get along. It takes awhile for men to learn it, but if they want their castle to resound with harmony, they must pay more attention to her. Otherwise harmony among multiple personalities will not prevail under the males’ hard-hearted leadership.
  3. Women live by and foster submissiveness, when they like themselves as female, their man as a mate, and their relationship for permanency. It helps capture a man, hold him, and prove that women don’t play the male game of competition but are very willing to play the far more harmonizing female game of cooperation.

Can you use some more wife-promoting situational awareness? Come back tomorrow.



Filed under Culture & Politics

2044. Submission #2 — Wife’s Choice

Most of us have heard this. Ephesians 5:22 (KJV) says, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.”

Now, understand that I’m neither questioning nor contradicting God’s intent or the Bible. Pastors clear it up theoretically but lacking in satisfaction for women; it always seems to lopsidedly favor men. Also, submission seems symbolic, but men take it literally and many autocratically consider it absolute. Women can’t believe men intend them to be so literally unequal in marriage, but they have so little evidence to argue to the contrary. From what they hear in church, many women resent men, the marital wheels squeak louder, and wives seem helpless to find lubrication to stop the squeaking. Everyone seems to ignore the rest of the biblical story, which for men is easy and preferred.

Wives face an undeserved burden. It weakens their marital role, seems to allege a subservient condition, reduces self-confidence, encourages masculine dominance, and fosters dispute rather than negotiated settlement. They are victimized because men interpret and impose the biblical spirit to their own advantage. In fact, men need to be taught the following, although those that feel threatened may even reject the logic.

We need only two questions answered. Men have long ignored or forgotten the answers although they too come from the Bible.

  • Do men have free will? The answer of course is yes.
  • Do women have free will? The answer is yes, since all God’s children are equal in His eyes.

Men have the obligation to submit unto the Lord but, since they have free will, they can choose not to do so. With their free will, women can also choose not to submit unto the Lord. Ephesians 5:22 advises women to submit unto both husbands and the Lord. Since they can choose on the latter, they can choose on the former. Women are thus free to submit at their discretion, which makes questions about total obedience illogical. Such wifely freedom taken literally and equally, however, doesn’t fit the marriage covenant, but it completes the religious logic of the subject.

Marriage is a formal contract founded on mutual agreement, which is based on the nature of one man and one woman merging their beliefs, emotions, values, standards, and expectations into combined effort for living together. As the direct consequence of their God-given equality and free will, compatibility arises from their mutual ability to match up and make the following natural motivations work successfully for them. And for the relationship expert to make it all fit together in a harmonious whole:

  • He is motivated to compete and she is motivated to get around marital competition if she can, to avoid the potential for conflict.
  • She is motivated to cooperate and he expects it as normal benefit of yielding his independence at the altar.
  • He is more a producer and she is more a processor. He looks for results. She looks to smooth out bumps in the marital road.
  • He is strong on commanding and ordering. She prefers to be asked and expects to negotiate opposite expectations and to help settle disputes.
  • He is strongly dominant, easily assumes responsibility, and expects those for whom he’s responsible to submit to his leadership. Without submission by followers, he’s handicapped to achieve his desired results—until spouse convinces him of a better way.
  • Both are born hardheaded. The permanence of having a husband energizes her naturally submissive spirit that is available within her natural soft-heartedness. However, wise husbands invariably learn that she also has a hardheadedness that needs to be frequently accommodated or courted.
  • For his intended accomplishments, at the surface her submission seems more important than her cooperation. OTOH, she is submissive and cooperative by nature as long as prospects for the future look at least favorable. So, her submission comes more easily when their future looks more promising. She shines when her submissiveness morphs into submission, but it arises more out of what she sees than what she hears about a brighter future.
  • He is primarily concerned with present-day matters. Her main concerns are for keeping their future good or making it better. She sees it in their interest to be submissive in the present if she can more directly shape their lives in the future. Without that tradeoff, however, she tends to resent, resist, and can easily encourage herself to retaliate.

Relationship experts, the wives, just naturally move to the front of trying to achieve harmony when sour notes invade their marriage. Neither spouse is obligated to submit to the other and whoever gets their way depends on their compatibility and desire to work things out to mutual advantage. Whatever their solution, it’s unique for every couple.

Consequently, there is no universal solution. Men continue to expect women to submit. Women can influence and persuade their man provided they can focus on their future rather than being honked off at the thought of submitting actually or even theoretically. For serendipitous effects, women should ignore the subject. Each has to find her own way to induce harmony within her nest, and one potentially disruptive term should be left out.

When this series continues, a brighter future beckons. Women can benefit by ignoring the subject of submission. By refusing to think of, stir their anger, and follow it with guilt whenever the subject comes up directly or indirectly. Let husbands rant about submission with each other. Women are quite capable of breathing harmony into their home by fixing their thoughts on specific interactions. Dozens of pointers, pearls of wisdom will follow.



Filed under Her glory

2012. Female Blessings at Birth — 13-15

Fifth group and I thank you for offering your opinions.

I take the (currently 84) default attitudes for a test drive, to purify them with deeper analysis by more people. I request readers either confirm or deny each numbered item below with or without comment. To make it easier, I’m only posting three at a time.

Just reply to this article and identify each item by its number and indicate true/false. Accept each default as true to begin with. I will rewrite or delete as results of your analyses justify it.

True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. False means that the item is missing completely from your heart or is something you learned during life. If you learned an item during your life, try as best you can to determine if you actually learned it or just confirmed what already existed in your heart. [If learned or foreign to you, label the item False.]

13. I find solace knowing that I must show respect and gratitude for my husband above all others (and realize when I slow or stop that he will tend to wander). [Editor says: That expression of her nature has roots in her superior skill of adaptability, spirit of cooperation, and sense of importance serving someone else.]
14. I am capable more of giving that taking and am especially grateful for each opportunity to prove myself to myself. [Editor says: Her giving is rooted in her tender-heartedness and the gratefulness in her sense of importance.]
15. I am capable of finding new ways every day to show and encourage my husband that he is respected for who he is and what he does. [Editor says: That conviction arises out of a woman’s determination to brighten her future by constantly striving to improve it or at least keep it from dimming. Thus, she invests in her future by keep her man satisfied that he’s doing right by her.]

Example for responses: “14-T (comments if given)” works okay to reflect your opinion of true to that one item.

Thank you for your opinions.



Filed under feminine

2011. Female Blessings at Birth — 10-12

Fourth group and I thank you for offering your opinions.

I take the (currently 84) default attitudes for a test drive, to purify them with deeper analysis by more people. I request readers either confirm or deny each numbered item below with or without comment. To make it easier, I’m only posting three at a time.

Just reply to this article and identify each item by its number and indicate true/false. Accept each default as true to begin with. I will rewrite or delete as results of your analyses justify it.

True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. False means that the item is missing completely from your heart or something you learned during life. If you learned an item during your life, try as best you can to determine if you actually learned it or just confirmed what already existed in your heart. [If learned or foreign to you, label the item False.]

10. I can convert the worth I see in others into value for my life and vice versa. [Editor says: She’s born to be adaptable, and mutual worth that is mutually appreciated breeds cooperation and confirms compatibility. Women, as the relationship experts, drive the compatibility bus.]
11. I depend on my husband by doing for him rather than expecting him to do for me. [Editor says: It enlarges her sense of self-importance to do for him, and he interprets it as respect and gratitude that he deserves. Reversed, ‘him doing for her’ all the time translates as his appreciation for her. Being appreciated is temporary to her and has little influence over events that add to her importance and shape her thinking about everything else. Consequently, she becomes much more influential when ‘she does for him’ rather than the reverse. She’s born to do it that way, the intuitive way.]
12. I don’t depend on my boyfriend. He does for me rather than me doing for him. [Editor says: It calls for the opposite reasoning of #11 above. His actions ‘doing for her’ program his heart toward devotion for her. Without actions to please himself for pleasing her, his heart doesn’t reprogram, his devotion doesn’t develop. Furthermore, conquest slows or stops his actions to please her to the same extent, because her yielding sex their first time together tells him that’s all he has to do. He now ‘owns’ their sex agenda so all is well in his world.]

Example for responses: “10-T (comments if given)” works okay to reflect your opinion of true to that one item.

Thank you for your opinions.



Filed under feminine

1969. Anger and His Significance

At post 1968 Her Highness Cinnamon inquires if female anger undermines a man’s sense of significance. The natural principle first: Yes, if he has conquered her. No, if he has not.

Yes, because her anger challenges him. It puts them in instant competition. Men avoid competing with their woman and conquest confirms to the male nature that she is his. Conquest earns the natural male right to dominate, which means that expressions of anger at him—even though deserved—are inappropriate.

The male nature recognizes the superior competitive influence—“arguing power”—of females. It is worth the risk of losing arguments in order to conquer a woman, but after conquest it is not. So, competing with a conquered woman, the male nature tells men they will likely lose. That brings up their greatest fear, losing significance in their woman’s eyes, which means their ability is questionable for fulfilling manly missions of responsibility to her. Therefore, competing with their woman is too risky and should be at least avoided and preferably prevented.

The following bullets can be answered in the same way. Yes, if he has already conquered her. It opens the floodgate to competition and likelihood of reducing his sense of significance. No, if they have never had sex together. Competition protects her and he may lose sleep but not significance over a woman defending her ‘un-owned’ self.

  • Refusing sex?
  • Extreme silence, pulling away, refusing to communicate?
  • Continuing to argue after he declares a final decision?
  • Refusing to do as he says after he has demonstrated that he expects his dominant role to prevail?
  • Blaming him? However, add this caveat. If he senses he is wrong, he is still pressured by the male nature to defend himself and prove her wrong. In which case, she is the mother of fault-finding, he is the father of rationalized self-defense, and the competition continues. (For a man to admit wrongdoing to a conquered woman comes from lessons learned in life long after his birth.)

In short, whatever DIRECTLY challenges a husband’s authority and decision-making dominance tampers with his sense of significance. In his mind, he gave up his independence for the responsibility of ruling the relationship. Outside of marriage and without conquest, however, directness serves women better because men are amenable to letting women have their way.

Moreover, lessons learned living inside different cultural value systems make men more or less willing to compete with wives and conquered females, e.g., more within our Judeo-Christian value system and less within non-Western societies.

Women can learn to get more of what they want by trial and error. Before conquest, they compete diligently with men to prevent conquest except under female terms. After conquest, they compete drastically if necessary to preserve their dignity within female standards and expectations. After marriage they cooperate and avoid direct competition with their husband. Competition calls for directness. Cooperation calls for indirectness. Wise women know how to exploit the differences that arise in life.



Filed under Dear daughter