Tag Archives: cooperation

1969. Anger and His Significance

At post 1968 Her Highness Cinnamon inquires if female anger undermines a man’s sense of significance. The natural principle first: Yes, if he has conquered her. No, if he has not.

Yes, because her anger challenges him. It puts them in instant competition. Men avoid competing with their woman and conquest confirms to the male nature that she is his. Conquest earns the natural male right to dominate, which means that expressions of anger at him—even though deserved—are inappropriate.

The male nature recognizes the superior competitive influence—“arguing power”—of females. It is worth the risk of losing arguments in order to conquer a woman, but after conquest it is not. So, competing with a conquered woman, the male nature tells men they will likely lose. That brings up their greatest fear, losing significance in their woman’s eyes, which means their ability is questionable for fulfilling manly missions of responsibility to her. Therefore, competing with their woman is too risky and should be at least avoided and preferably prevented.

The following bullets can be answered in the same way. Yes, if he has already conquered her. It opens the floodgate to competition and likelihood of reducing his sense of significance. No, if they have never had sex together. Competition protects her and he may lose sleep but not significance over a woman defending her ‘un-owned’ self.

  • Refusing sex?
  • Extreme silence, pulling away, refusing to communicate?
  • Continuing to argue after he declares a final decision?
  • Refusing to do as he says after he has demonstrated that he expects his dominant role to prevail?
  • Blaming him? However, add this caveat. If he senses he is wrong, he is still pressured by the male nature to defend himself and prove her wrong. In which case, she is the mother of fault-finding, he is the father of rationalized self-defense, and the competition continues. (For a man to admit wrongdoing to a conquered woman comes from lessons learned in life long after his birth.)

In short, whatever DIRECTLY challenges a husband’s authority and decision-making dominance tampers with his sense of significance. In his mind, he gave up his independence for the responsibility of ruling the relationship. Outside of marriage and without conquest, however, directness serves women better because men are amenable to letting women have their way.

Moreover, lessons learned living inside different cultural value systems make men more or less willing to compete with wives and conquered females, e.g., more within our Judeo-Christian value system and less within non-Western societies.

Women can learn to get more of what they want by trial and error. Before conquest, they compete diligently with men to prevent conquest except under female terms. After conquest, they compete drastically if necessary to preserve their dignity within female standards and expectations. After marriage they cooperate and avoid direct competition with their husband. Competition calls for directness. Cooperation calls for indirectness. Wise women know how to exploit the differences that arise in life.



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1946. Indirectness: A Wife’s Most Effective Strategy

Even within compatible couples, the masculine preference for directness easily causes confrontation and even more so when women use it. The feminine talent and skill for cooperation makes women the relationship experts and gives birth to their preference for using indirectness. Without it, the man’s game of competition overpowers the woman’s game of cooperation and male dominance reigns at the expense of female dignity.

Women are born with immense talent and skill to use indirectness as a successful technique for dealing with men. It calls for tactics, expectations, and calculated responses centered on someone else in ways that encourage their cooperation.

Indirectness prioritizes patience over impatience, niceness over spitefulness, subtle over obvious, deferred over immediate gratification, calm and smooth talk over harsh chatter, and simpering rather than her spouting orders. It also calls for no insistence on getting her way at this time, delaying arguments until no longer needed, accepting loss of arguments to fight another day and way, finding gratitude rather than fault, smiling when frowns are expected, not complaining about her problems but asking directly for help and pleasantly depending on whatever ‘rescue’ he provides.

Women love easily. It causes grateful wives to predominately live according to their natural soft-heartedness. They routinely rely on it rather than their natural hard-headed ability. Indirectness capitalizes on that tendency. It enables wives to brighten their futures by enabling their husbands to dominate the present. Thus, the relationship expert generates the compatibility that lasts forever.

Translating all that into directness, she empowers herself to rule the rooster while enabling him to rule the roost, which offends a man until years later when he learns the truth and worth of it, which is why the hopes, dreams, and rewards a wife longs for come so much later in marriage.


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343. Ties that bind, or not! — Their wants

Self-interest motivates everyone to do what they do. Newlywed bonding comes from blending individual self-interests into mutual-interest.


She wants help when she needs it in a world she can’t control to her satisfaction. She chose him as help-mate. It’s up to her to make their partnership work. The less she depends on him, the more he moves toward his wants.


He wants independence. He traded some—but not nearly all—for the promise of greater significance with her. He expects her to respect his significant self and appreciate his good husbanding and fathering.


Tradeoffs lead to cooperation. Compared to him, she’s the relationship expert. This enables her to make it all work.

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342. Ties that bind, or not! — Their needs

Self-interest motivates everyone to do what they do, but it also conflicts with what a spouse expects.


She needs a brighter future for her family. Mature women exploit their relationship expertise. They work for stable security and promote family development, closeness, and harmony. Immature women seek materialistic brighteners—more money, continuous shopping, unaffordable housing.


Those things are not that important to men. Their male nature focuses more on the present than the future. Wife expects husband to respond favorably to her wishes about their future. However, it takes skill so as not to interfere with his near-term thinking, interests, and plans.


Mature wives focus and coach husband on building and sustaining their marriage. Immature wives pressure husband for greater effort, for more and better of whatever he does. (When he never measures up, it sends loud messages that he’s inadequate and may even be insignificant.)


His needs are far simpler than hers. He only needs a place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare for tomorrow’s ‘battles’.


Such a place is easy to come by elsewhere. Consequently, in marriage he expects fun and comfort to compensate for loss of independence.


It’s her home to build and dominate. When she does it well, it’s a castle to him.


Tradeoffs leads to cooperation—good! Disrespect for their opposing natures leads to competition—ungood!

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341. Ties that bind, or not! —Their drives

     Sweetheart love, the sweetest, melts into smooth flowing and enduring love, the deepest. But spouses have opposing natures and primal urges that conflict beneath the love they share.

She’s driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones, and he’s the primary target in the early years.

But further, she expects him to produce, provide, protect, and problem-solve to assist with whatever she needs.

His naturally independent nature responds: He simply does the best he can. His best fades, however, if she fails to fully respect his primary self-interest, next.

He’s driven to make himself significant, to overcome Nature and other barriers, compete with men, succeed in the workplace, and shape human events. It’s his role in life, and progress and accomplishment are their own rewards.

Her naturally grateful heart responds: If he’ll do those things on my behalf, I’ll reward him for husbanding and fathering. 

Merging these natural differences compatibly leads to cooperation—good! Failure to recognize and respect these differences leads to competition—ungood!

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329. Newlywed Bonding #11 — Harmony

Harmonizing two self-interests into one mutual interest doesn’t come natural to young newlyweds. They need to teach themselves by considering things that never entered their minds before. For example, the following considerations help reduce self-centeredness and favor development of greater us-centeredness: 

·        Men and women are very different. As the relationship expert, wife is better able to compensate, adjust, and harmonize their relationship.

·        She’s changeable in direct response to him. He’s changeable only in response to indirect, subtle, and charming efforts by her. If he knows she wants him to change, he won’t.

·        Decisions are good when they enhance cooperation, because this builds compatibility.

·        Decisions are poor when they generate competition between spouses, because this breeds incompatibility.

·        She thinks first about what she has and her status—happy or unhappy for example. He thinks first about where he’s going, and happy or unhappy doesn’t occupy his thoughts very much.  

·        Court your mother-in-law’s affections as if she’s your own, but first you must earn her respect. Of course it’s tough. But living with her as enemy is more intolerable, and expecting your spouse to change her threatens him or her. Don’t complain and don’t explain.

These harmonizing issues never appear equal or even fair. They never will. It’s the essence of marital success. Women can excel, however, when they try to accept, promote, and squeeze unequal efforts into blissful compatibility.

[Ten other posts about Newlywed Bonding are listed in the Content page at the top.]

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296. Preventive Maintenance — Checklist I

Compared to men, women are relationship experts. They detect emotional cracks and strains long before their man.

This makes women best qualified for relationship maintenance, which effectively puts them in charge.

It’s easily understandable that whoever’s in charge should be responsible for preventive maintenance. So, a squabble-prevention checklist starts here.  

  Cooperation compliments each other.

  Competition challenges one or the other.

  Loose lips irritate.

  Blame inflames.

  Argument is counterproductive.

  Patience reduces tension.

  Discretion shows respect.

  Loving silence nags.

  Gratefulness seals a deal.

  Respect lets him defend her.

  Self outweighs Us.

  Changing him discredits her judgment.

  Two captains in one ship leads to mutiny.

  Tact works like WD-40 on a rusty hinge.

  Progress stops with loss of temper.  

  Submissiveness is an attitude of gratitude, whichever way it flows.

  Understanding balances A.D.D. (See post #3)

Prevention is the better part of valor. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  

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261. Newlywed Bonding #7 — Look, then leap

Here’s more to help guide newlyweds. These principles, beliefs, attitudes, and convictions can be tailored to fit or rejected by each couple to help fulfill their hopes and dreams. Advice is labeled as such.

♂$♀  Budgeting comes easily if a couple focuses on building a successful mixture of spousal interaction. Lots of imagination, small bits of will power, negotiable cooperation, and frequent confirmation of mutual trust can all be energized through the budgeting process.

♂$♀  Ignore what’s past. Assume decisions already made were sound at the time. Else, you would not have made them. Hindsight sees too many mistakes; those little buggers trigger spousal disputes. Why pay attention to what can haunt, irritate, and demotivate you or generate distrust for spouse or your budgeting process?

♂$♀   Pay yourself first: Save at least 10% off the top for long term savings for home purchase and retirement. Otherwise, late in life you will limp financially before physically. It’s best the other way around.  

♂$♀  At the start of the year, allocate for church giving and short-term savings to cover Christmas and vacation spending. Then, commit to not overspending on the last two items.

♂$♀  This is ADVICE: Determine the level, develop a plan, and purposely live a lifestyle at considerably less than 100 percent of income. Doing it is critical; the percentage goal is less so.

Evil incardnate comes in next post.

[More about newlyweds appears at posts 257, 254, 247, 242, 230 and 224. Scroll down or search by number with dot and space following it.]

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