SITUATION. Girls and women are not asked out on dates enough to suit them.
PROBLEM. Girls and women need some ‘touching up’ on their ability to arouse boys and men to initiate the process.
SOLUTIONS. 1) Learn more and exploit the male nature by studying this blog, and 2) listen to women more experienced in relationship games. The following aims at 2) in response to stimulating comments by Gonemaverick and Kay at post 2695.
It isn’t bragging to state facts.
However, I’m a little surprised that a lady who takes pride in not being easy to date would wonder aloud why she is getting exactly what she wants. Not that it is a bad thing to want, necessarily, but it does limit opportunities when they are already scarce.
I come at this from the perspective of both a lady and a mom of two adult young men. One is married, and one is not. I have some understanding of both sides—including what it takes for a good man to put himself out there, take some risks, and put out a lot of hard-earned money to get to know a female who looks nice on the outside but who may just be waiting for the right moment to emasculate him. Worse—she could draw him into marriage, have a couple of kids with him, then take the kids and be awarded all his money by the courts. Now, I am not saying that a man shouldn’t take risks and pay to get to know a woman. But in these times, a good man faces much higher risks than he once did. One can’t blame a man for taking all of this into account.
If the number of dates a lady is invited on is not satisfactory to her, then she has only one factor that is within her power to change—herself and her approach. It may be that in spite of attraction, something strikes men in a way other than intended. Or it could be that the individual is not a good fit for the pool of candidates in the vicinity. Or something else.
In my own case, my mother told me that the reason I didn’t have a single schoolmate ask me out in all of high school was that I intimidated them. Now, I see that she was right. I was a very high academic achiever and pretty. I had many girlfriends and various male flirters and hangers-on. Less attractive and academically successful girls got dates with the guys I really liked, though! Much older men and guys at my high school jobs would compliment me and flirt, but that wasn’t dating. My fault in that case was probably a lack of confidence and social skills to open doors with guys who would have seen me as an appropriate challenge. Neither was I the type who made everyone feel comfortable, back then—I was a bit too quiet and serious, and I think that left guys feeling less than adequate—a big no-no. I don’t think it was the males’ fault, in my case. While hard-to-get is important, approach-ability is, too. There is a balance.
A man has to feel that he is needed…could it be that you appear so highly attractive and self-sufficient and satisfied with keeping your business to yourself that a prospective date feels he would have nothing to offer you? Is it possible that “coy” translates to “not interested” or “uncomfortable social situation that makes me look bad and I need to flee” as it appears to a prospect?
Not saying any of this is the case here–but perhaps there may be something of help.
Just some general thoughts. I remember you addressing this before, Sir Guy, when you told single ladies to be approachable. You have directed single ladies before to smile at all men equally.
I think it helps, also, to work on improving conversation skills and developing a lighthearted personality—ready and willing to pick up a conversation with anyone, anytime. It doesn’t hurt to look in the mirror and honestly evaluate the face we offer the world. Does it say “no trespassing”? Maybe a friend would help out with this one.
I recall the ancient female icebreaker of the dropped hanky. For millennia, women have found ways to break the ice with men that involve asking for their assistance. Goodness! I don’t think we have a right to entirely leave all of the work up to the men, just because feminists have distorted the roles so much. Not to say that Lady Gonemaverick is in need of any of this advice specifically, but I continue with general thoughts.
As a younger, married grandma, not particularly looking for male attention, I get approached by men young and old all the time now for a bit of friendly conversation. I am certain that this would lead to some invitations to dates from good men, if I were single. This did not happen before my extreme pretty time** and my own efforts to reach out to others, be approachable, be joyful at all times, and to share joy with others, just because it is the right thing to do as a Christian. I do not wish to brag, because it has been just an unexpected side effect of growing as a person and a Christian for me, but perhaps by my experience other ladies can benefit.
I think a lot of men these days are afraid of getting their heads bitten off for nothing. It is not being too forward to be smiling and willing to make conversation wherever we find ourselves. We can hold men to high standards after we have hooked them, but it will never happen until they feel safe to approach.
The women I encounter in person who ask these questions are unwittingly giving out some kind of signal that is off in some way—too shy, too intimidating/aloof, or something else. It is impossible to tell over the internet. Maybe a friendly male relative could advise.
[Guy adds: It starts at first encounter and lasts until a guy proposes marriage. A woman’s primary objective should be to get him talking and her listening. He needs it to confirm his confidence, intentions, and developing devotion. She needs it to help screen for his likeability.]
**Her ‘pretty time’ means she capitalizes on her natural prettiness by upgrading it with daily habits similar to those described at posts 2123-2127.