Tag Archives: dumpee

2157. Dating in Mid-life — Part B1: You Gotta’ Know the Territory


Her Highness MeowMeow at 2153 asked about dating in one’s fifties. I expand it to ages 30 to 60 and deepen it to include developing (but not maintaining) a lifetime relationship. After all, that’s the unspoken objective and endless dream behind all dating for women in mid-life.

Some women too easily, however, give up before they exhaust the blessings they inherit at birth. They shouldn’t. Hope springs eternal from the heart of a woman, and by God’s design it enables you to make your world turn in your favor. Born to be happy, you earn it as you find and expand your gratefulness while searching, capturing, and relating with a man. Hopefully he’s valuable and beneficial for your mellowing lifestyle. But if he’s no better than adequate, it’s no reason to give up. You’re powerfully skilled to improve a relationship that starts out short of perfect.

Age doesn’t matter before first date if you exploit your relationship expertise. You aim at success. It calls for you to exploit your own strengths, compensate for your weaknesses, make the most of new man’s strengths, and ignore his weaknesses long enough to learn to also compensate for them. The female heart is wonderfully designed and powerfully blessed to exploit strengths and weaknesses and do it well. After learning, of course, and avoiding discouragement from the few or even more mistakes made along the way.

It all may sound too complex to fathom, but my role is to make the process simpler so you can make it easier for yourself and more meaningful for the next man in your life. I present this series in four major sections: a) the children (posted at 2156 and more to follow), b) relationship development process, c) your role, and d) the roles of men.

Relationship Development Process.

Others talk endlessly about the dating scene. Most women’s interest at every age, however, is about what dating leads to. It’s the start up to merging two or more lives together harmoniously and hopefully for life. So, all about dating that follows is designed to help women develop relationships that lead to permanency. All else is folderol or fun and games and irrelevant here.

By nature women are processors; they keep things going. Men are producers; they find satisfaction in making single events and results come out as intended. First date is a production and belongs to the man. Second date begins the relationship development process and your involvement. Being a series of events, dating one guy or many, the process works to the woman’s advantage or she’s not doing it right. That’s why women float along under the stewardship of each individual dater; return engagements are best produced by not driving the bus. Men are willing to deliver one date at a time, because they hope with minimal obligation to discover what price they must eventually pay to get you in bed.

You all know this but—especially during passionate moments—it’s inconvenient to remember it. Men date to associate and work up to getting sex. Women date to develop a lasting relationship. They compete. Each tries to sell the other on their agenda. He works directly but tries to disguise it with dynamic selling of himself. You work indirectly, and it takes you much longer to sell a man on your agenda. If you can’t find time and reason to hold him off and complete your sale, you yield first time sex and he wins and you may or may not lose him. What happens after his conquest is unknown until after it happens. He changes, and then you find out how accurate and true were his words. How he really, truly feels about you—or doesn’t. You take all the risk or you don’t get very far.

Unfortunately, that’s the only way for you to uncover a man’s intentions. Wait to see his actions and believe what he does after your first sex together, and locked in marriage is optimal. After his momentous conquest outside of marriage, he will be a changed man. He also takes charge of your sexual agenda as conqueror’s right, and you become keeper, booty, or dumpee. You don’t know which until the time comes, unless you have delayed conquest long enough for his devotion to you alone to have developed. That means months at least and perhaps a year or more of courtship.

Romantic love is often a scene stealer, disguiser of truth. It may or may not contribute to the enduring love that you hope will follow after romantic love fades a year or two after conquest.

Over the first few decades of life, the youthful attitudes of both sexes change. Out of unsuccessful relationships and soured marriages, the genders shy away from closeness except often for the mutual comfort of sex. But sex doesn’t bond men, only women.

Consequently, you are more interested than men for developing a relationship, and it generates three burdens for you in the dating arena. You have to virtually ignore risks to your feelings, learn to proceed cautiously, and have to earn the respect of each man you date. Moreover, development works best when you neither explain yourself or your feelings directly, nor try to convince him of your love with words. He believes much more easily what he figures out for himself.

You have to earn a permanent relationship. You do so by actions that show new man that he’s admired and favored over others. Oh, not on first date but both later and by indirectness. It enables him to see promise in you that can and likely will help fulfill his present life and future ambitions.

From day one you should claim these truths as part of your attitude. Men stay married when they sense themselves rewarded and admired for husbanding, fathering, and believing that only they can do as well at what they do best. That is, produce, provide, protect, and problem solve for those to whom they accept responsibility.

During dating and courtship, you should get your mind and heart wrapped around how to do your part in that scenario. After marriage is too late to start. Without it being habitual in your heart before marriage, the glow of bridal success will keep your focus elsewhere and thus hold you back. The absence of admiration, respect, dependence, and gratefulness for his presence in your life are toxic to a marriage, and so should be developed in courtship.

Men date for fun and games and put sex at the top of the priority list. When you don’t have a plan to follow, it releases men to follow their interest, which inevitably doesn’t work well for you. Expecting to develop a relationship, you do best when you have solid intentions that are more important in your heart than having a date or dates (more later about a plan).

That’s the territory. Now, let’s talk about the value of chaste courtships that fall automatically out of chaste dates and the promise of more chastity. It’s coming tomorrow at #2158.

 

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427. KEEPERS FOR KEEPERS — Assortment 10


Dear Daughter: A few more reviewables.

♫ Women mature and get set in their ways more than men. If not so, there would be far less need for trophies for older men. (First bride disappeared, so he looks for another.) [9]

♫ Women can persuade their man to change, but if pushed contrary to his nature, he will resent and hold it against her. [9]

♫ The greater that females show respect and gratitude for males generally, the greater is each woman’s respect and gratefulness for her man. [18]

♫ Taming masculine aggression starts with mother, depends greatly on adolescent girls, and finalizes under the tutelage of a good wife. [18]

♫ Modesty keeps men at a distance and empowers a woman to avoid and prevent embarrassment. [7]

♫ Men look at attractive women as sex targets until conquered. Afterward, she’s keeper, backup, duty slut, or dumpee. Keeper odds are slim. [18]

♫ Men must be taught to romance females. Non-sexual and patient indirectness works best. [8]

♫ It’s not her virginity per se as it is her relative inexperience by which the conqueror can measure his competitive accomplishments against other men. [7]

♫ How women display their boobs affects whether they handle men with female determination or get manhandled with masculine brusqueness. [12]

♫ When a woman chases a man, she becomes seller to his buyer. By not holding out for him to meet her expectations as the buyer, she cheapens herself. [8]

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312. The good, the bad, and the ugly—THE UGLY


♀ Think and act as men do regarding sex, and lack of dignity and self-respect will haunt you.

♀ Think and act as if men should not make themselves worthy of you, and they won’t.

♀ Think and act as if standing up inside, and you’ll not be cherished very long.

♀ Think and act as if their other parent is hateful, and you’ll weaken your child’s love for you. 

♀ Think and act disrespectfully of other people, and even your close friends will distrust you.

♀ Think and act dumpy, and you’ll become a dumpee.

♀ Think and act lonely, and you’ll doom yourself to stay that way.

Think and act irresponsibly, and others will not support you.

♀ Think and act ugly, and others will agree.

The good and the bad follow soon.

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259. Sex and the fickle girl — Part 12


♀ A woman’s soft-hearted nature should be reserved for husband and kids. Relying on it during dating and courtship makes her vulnerable to join her sisters in the ex lane.

♀ When a hottie becomes haughty, she might as well be a nottie—after conquest, that is.

♀ Expectant mothers duplicate tee-shirted, pot-bellied men, which drives expectant father’s eyeballs to every attractive female within sight.

♀ He cheats on her, so she cheats on him. The former hurts her, the latter terminates their relationship.

♀ Women abandon femininity, modesty, high moral standards, and other female strengths just to have a boyfriend or husband they can’t keep.

♀ It’s self-fulfilling: A wife blames husband for his faults. Accused men resist change and defend themselves by disproving the evidence presented. In her eyes, his resistance makes her see his faults as her failure to correct him. Her failures turn him toward inadequacy. It started with her accepting him with faults she could not stand.

♀ Behind each ex there’s an inadequate man. He’s either dumper or dumpee. Yet, she chose him with inadequate qualifications, and her choices will always determine her outcomes.

♀ Short-term romantic love seduces women into ignoring the need for her man’s respect. Hence, when romantic love fades in a year or two, his respect for her is not enough to fuel his long-term enduring love.

[More about sex and fickle females appears in posts 246, 229, 216, 201, 184, 170, 160, 148, 137, 93, and 34. Scroll down or search by the number followed by a dot and space.]

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249. Do women know jack about Jack? —Part 15


♀?♂  When unmarried women yield the first time to a man, he wins much more than sex. Men rule over women they conquer. If she refuses, he dumps her.

♀?♂  Men see friendship differently. Women don’t fit a man’s mold of pure friendship, except when they are not sex targets.

♀?♂  Men treat women according to what they appear to be—sex object, slut, lady, sloppy, neat, pretty, immaculately groomed, careless, desperate, disposable…. That is, she’s responsible for the respect with which she’s treated.

♀?♂  Men treated as sex targets by females learn that all women have little else to offer. Let the fun and irresponsible games continue. Visible groupies are more significant than unseen bed post notches.

♀?♂  Modern female fidelity is questionable to men, because so many women sacrifice themselves at the altar of sexual freedom.

♀?♂  More than sex, men crave appreciation for who they are and what they do. If not their wife, however, sex works just fine for today—thank you very much.

♀?♂  One major facet of a man’s sense of significance rests upon not having to face men who have bedded his woman.

[More jack about Jack appears in posts 232, 217, 202, 185, 172, 162, 153, 142, 135, 132, 114, 97, 91, and 7. Scroll down or search by the number with a dot and space following it.]

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227. What daughters never hear—Section 4


Women control this sequence of events, but men invariably win:  hook up, link up, shack up, knock up, marry up, frighten up, muck up, ‘fess up, split up, pay up, and end up looking to start over.

Conquest releases the hunter-conqueror to look for a new target.

♀ He sees a recent conquest as girlfriend, occasional sleepover, duty slut, discard, or—if she played the pre-sex courtship to her advantage—perhaps a keeper. 

♀ Inspiring and energizing her man without de-motivating him is difficult. But a woman’s natural relationship expertise provides enough skills—if she also practices patience and indirectness.

♀ Only one way exists to find out if a man is really after a woman for herself. Withhold sex until he proves himself willing and worthy by honoring her ideals, standards, and expectations for giving up his freedom.

♀ Long-term marriage boils down to this: She chose him. She’s the relationship expert. Experts critically qualify someone trying to sell them something. Later, they make necessary adjustments to live with what they ‘purchased’.

♀ Promises and words of commitment fade easily under daily pressures. Acts of commitment reinforce feelings, promote permanency, and grow into devotion capable of surviving daily pressures.

[More that daughters never hear appear in posts 214, 200, and 183. Scroll down or search by the number with a dot and space following it.]

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200. What daughters never hear—Section 2


♀ Commitment made before conquest fades or dies afterward. A man’s devotion dips a little after conquest but returns.

♀ Everything looks and tastes better when you’re grateful.

♀ Selfishness interferes with gratitude, the absence of which causes unhappiness.

♀ A man’s devotion depends on his respect for a woman, which mostly floats on her wavy ocean of self-respect, exceptionalness as a female, feminine virtue, and likeability as potential mate.

♀ A man’s enduring love is built upon his respect for women generally and respect and likeability of one in particular. Need for her intensifies his devotion.

♀ After conquest a woman ceases to be a challenge, because a man’s most pressing goal has been accomplished. He moves on to his current mission in life, whether she’s his keeper or a dumpee.

♀ Modest attire sends the message she’s interested in long-term relationships. Immodest attire signals she’s interested in a man, period.

♀ Christian men complain that young women and girls dress so seductively for church that they discredit God and steal male attention away from church teachings. Church-going men usually make good husbands, but they must be proud of how their wife appears in public.

[More that daughters never hear can be found at post 183. Scroll down or search by the number with a dot and space following it.]

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