Tag Archives: exes

2006. Trust, Respect, and Competition


This parenthetical thought in #2004 spurred Her Highness Cocoa’s curiosity. “Incidentally, a man’s respect declines for a woman conquered by someone for whom he lacks respect.”

She posed these questions: ”What are the elements that make a man less respect another man? His job? His income? His wife? His attitude and manners??? And once this respect is less or lost can it be restored? Also, do the same principles apply to man respecting a woman?”

For the most part of the male nature, two elements determine one man’s respect for another.

1) Can the observed be trusted according to the trustful values and expectations of the observer? Yes generates respect; no generates little or no respect. The greater the trust perceived, the greater is the respect returned. The higher the trust standards in the observed, the greater the respect of the observer. Dealing with untrustworthy people denies a man the opportunity to earn self-admiration—he never knows where the firm ground lies upon which he can stand. By causing that, untrustworthy people nullify his ability to respect them.

2) Is the observed man the competitive equal or better of the observer? The better the competitive ability of the observed over the observer, the greater the respect the latter has for the former. The greater the observer views his ability to out-compete the observed, the less opportunity he has to earn self-admiration and, therefore, the less respect he has for the observed.

Can loss of respect be restored? Yes. Christian salvation enables men to accept the risk of unconditionally respecting other men until disrespect is earned. Also, enhanced trustworthiness can upgrade respect. If the observed man is not respected for whatever reasons but he showers respect upon the observer, then to the extent that the observer perceives greater trust in the observed, the observer’s respect grows for the observed.

It’s one of life’s fascinating paradoxes. Trust sent one way returns as respect and vice versa. But respect does not beget respect nor does trust beget trust.

——

Do the same principles apply to man respecting woman? Yes, in the matter of trust. It works the same. a) In the matter of competition, it works the opposite. b) More difficult to explain, she loses New Man’s respect by bad mouthing her ex.

a) His male nature tells a man that he’s the competitive better of a woman, and his dominance confirms his self-admiration. If a woman initiates competition, it’s obvious that she fails to recognize his dominant role, which threatens his sense of self-admiration, which earns his distrust out of fear that he could lose to her, which forces him to admit her as possibly superior, which forces him to show respect for the winner if and when she defeats him. Men can’t admit to losing to a woman, and so they find solace in avoiding it by disrespecting her as soon as she initiates competition. They hope showing disrespect will trigger a change in the female mind to back off the competition, but of course it seldom works that way. But yet, the self-fulfilling prophecy works and his show of disrespect transmutes into real disrespect and weakening of his love.

To men a woman competes and is perfectly respectable trying to conquer a man for marriage before he conquers her for first-time sex. After his conquest, however, further competition weakens his respect and love. His conqueror’s right expects and the female nature delivers her cooperation to the exclusion of competition. Thus, they self-develop according to their natures.

b) I re-quote this from the top. “Incidentally, a man’s respect declines for a woman conquered by someone for whom he lacks respect.” Women favor full disclosure with New Man but it backfires when she describes her past relationships. Not just sexual history either. Bad mouthing her ex broadcasts to New Man that she has poor judgment, knows too little about men, and cannot be trusted to not talk about him if they ever break up. Those factors discourage New Man’s respect for her and a man’s love is based on respect. Consequently, bad mouthing her ex weakens her relationship with New Man.

Nothing in human relations is ever simple. It’s all relative, all cause and effect between the sexes.

 

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520. Exes with Benefits? — III


After a breakup, if she wants him back, she lets him work on his own mind and heart. Chastity triggers it like nothing else can. Some additional thoughts:

·        What should be free no longer is. It drives little boys crazy. Men can be little boys grown tall.

·        He has trouble believing that she’s not a pushover. So, he makes mistakes that offend her. He hasn’t changed. His mistakes strengthen her resolve. No benefits unless he marries her will eventually sink in.

·        Her resolution strengthens her. Ever mindful of how to hit her hot buttons, he fails, and she earns new respect that grows to admiration after a while.

·        Newfound admiration reminds of former times and tends to rekindles his residual love.

·        Denied sex, ego motivates him to prove his charm and worth and win her once again. She can then decide on the merits of his earnestness and his newly developed worthiness.

·        If chastity pushes him away and he shows no interest, he demonstrates unwillingness to accept her standards and expectations. She wins, because he refuses to be different from whatever he was before breakup; she dodged another mistake with him.

·        She also wins if chastity keeps him returning to associate with her. He slips back into his natural hunter-conqueror role. This means that he once again tries to woo and win her. Perhaps only for sex, but that’s always the starter.

·        Greater respect for her and admiration for her chasteness will haunt him to conquer again. Not that he’ll come back to her, but the failure will haunt him. He can’t grasp that he can’t go where he’s been so many times before.

·        The longer she remains chaste with him, the greater his interest in teaming back up with her. Time works for her, because chastity inspires his curiosity, which fires up his imagination to conquer, which fires up his ego to try over and over until he’s victorious. (The past still haunts: From the instant they met, it was a mind game for dominance of her sexual assets.)

Let me close with this reminder. Einstein claimed “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” She has tremendous power to stir a man’s curiosity with other than sex. His imagination can’t leave her mystery alone, if he can’t conquer or re-conquer her.

So much for exes. This series ends here—at least for now.

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516. Exes with Benefits? — II


The lead article in this series introduced the subject of sex after breakup and how to reconcile successfully, should she ever desire it.

Chastity with an ex makes her the driver and him the passenger. It reenergizes his natural drive to conquer and squeezes it beneath her commitment to serve herself with abstinence.

Under such pressures, his renewed respect can redound to new love. But whether it does or not and regardless of final outcome, she wins and he loses.

If she might want him back, or just wants to test to see if he’s worthy, she works on herself in such a way that he works on himself:

©     She commits and accepts him only for a platonic friendship and courtship. This silhouettes her chastity and honors her self-respect, both of which men respect.

©     She finds moral reasons to remain chaste and reinforces such reasons continually to herself.

©     She stamps out any lingering bitterness in herself and finds ways to kill any bitterness he may have.

©     She forgives his past offenses, and it includes forgetting them.

©     She knows that to explain herself shifts the advantage back to him. She doesn’t complain and doesn’t explain about withholding sex. It’s just the way she is NOW. One exception: next.

©     When pushed, she acknowledges that she’s saving herself for first or next husband, whoever it may be. No hurry. Ex may qualify, but who knows at this time. That’s all ex should know, because that’s all she should be committed to.

©     If ex wants to qualify as husband, let him try. Fewer words by her convince more easily, because rejection speaks so loudly.

©     Her chasteness becomes believable and valuable when he concludes that other men also run into her new commitment to abstinence.

©     Unless incompatibilities intrude such as bitterness, saving herself for another man eats at him. This induces change in men worth their salt.

 Never foolproof, but chastity works better than anything else to change the male mind.

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327. Her sexual history — Part 10


♂?♀  If he won’t honor her privacy about her sexual past, he probably won’t honor her other expectations either.

♂?♀  Her undisclosed sexual past defends their relationship, because his ammo box lacks her historical bullets to fire back in domestic squabbles.

♂?♀  He may very well hold against her what he knows nothing about. Especially when he’s jealous, irrational, or flawed in character. Courtship is the time to figure out if it’s likely to happen.   

♂?♀  The forward-thinking woman convinces all her female friends to never leak anything about her past to her dating partner, boyfriend, husband, or any other man. (But this ultimately fails too, because friends betray friends. They steal dates, boyfriends, lovers, husbands.)

 

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316. Female Fortitude—141 through 150


These ‘fortitudinals’ provide theme or summary of previous posts. The numbers match the source.

141.       When a woman talks about her exes, she places a magnifying glass over her own shortcomings.

142.       He offers his strengths for her to appreciate. If she shows no weaknesses, his strengths fade in importance, and so does she.

143.       Most men reveal their true character but not entire Self when facing a woman’s hard-headed and continuing delays for their first sex together.

145.       Spill her guts and end up in ruts.

146.       Feminists claim women are downtrodden by men and subjected to the injustices of male domination. Really?

147.       Females learn the most and the best about males by retaining their virginity, both real and virtual.

148.       When thinking as men do, women lose their relationship management expertise.

149.       Men marry the extraordinary woman. Extraordinary doesn’t arise from doing what any women can do.  

150.       Generally, women show too much disrespect for their man, and men easily tire of it.

[Previous fortitudinals appear in posts 310, 305, 300, 295, 290, 285, 280, 275, 270, 265, 260, 255, 250, 245, 240, 234, 228, 213, 203, 199, 186, 182, and 176.]

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259. Sex and the fickle girl — Part 12


♀ A woman’s soft-hearted nature should be reserved for husband and kids. Relying on it during dating and courtship makes her vulnerable to join her sisters in the ex lane.

♀ When a hottie becomes haughty, she might as well be a nottie—after conquest, that is.

♀ Expectant mothers duplicate tee-shirted, pot-bellied men, which drives expectant father’s eyeballs to every attractive female within sight.

♀ He cheats on her, so she cheats on him. The former hurts her, the latter terminates their relationship.

♀ Women abandon femininity, modesty, high moral standards, and other female strengths just to have a boyfriend or husband they can’t keep.

♀ It’s self-fulfilling: A wife blames husband for his faults. Accused men resist change and defend themselves by disproving the evidence presented. In her eyes, his resistance makes her see his faults as her failure to correct him. Her failures turn him toward inadequacy. It started with her accepting him with faults she could not stand.

♀ Behind each ex there’s an inadequate man. He’s either dumper or dumpee. Yet, she chose him with inadequate qualifications, and her choices will always determine her outcomes.

♀ Short-term romantic love seduces women into ignoring the need for her man’s respect. Hence, when romantic love fades in a year or two, his respect for her is not enough to fuel his long-term enduring love.

[More about sex and fickle females appears in posts 246, 229, 216, 201, 184, 170, 160, 148, 137, 93, and 34. Scroll down or search by the number followed by a dot and space.]

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227. What daughters never hear—Section 4


Women control this sequence of events, but men invariably win:  hook up, link up, shack up, knock up, marry up, frighten up, muck up, ‘fess up, split up, pay up, and end up looking to start over.

Conquest releases the hunter-conqueror to look for a new target.

♀ He sees a recent conquest as girlfriend, occasional sleepover, duty slut, discard, or—if she played the pre-sex courtship to her advantage—perhaps a keeper. 

♀ Inspiring and energizing her man without de-motivating him is difficult. But a woman’s natural relationship expertise provides enough skills—if she also practices patience and indirectness.

♀ Only one way exists to find out if a man is really after a woman for herself. Withhold sex until he proves himself willing and worthy by honoring her ideals, standards, and expectations for giving up his freedom.

♀ Long-term marriage boils down to this: She chose him. She’s the relationship expert. Experts critically qualify someone trying to sell them something. Later, they make necessary adjustments to live with what they ‘purchased’.

♀ Promises and words of commitment fade easily under daily pressures. Acts of commitment reinforce feelings, promote permanency, and grow into devotion capable of surviving daily pressures.

[More that daughters never hear appear in posts 214, 200, and 183. Scroll down or search by the number with a dot and space following it.]

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