Tag Archives: failure

2282. My Mistake about a Man’s Love: Recovery I


Post 2266 described the essentials of masculine love as it begins at birth before sexual interest and sexual ability develop. I described it wrapped in simplicity this way. a) He finds her likeable and wants to be with her. b) For insurance against competitors, he makes himself loyal to her. She sees that as his being in love, but it’s not quite. c) He convinces himself that she finds him extremely likeable. d) He confirms to himself that she’s loyal to him exclusively. e) He gently slips into the role of being devoted to her, which is the version of his love that she needs before accepting his proposal.

However, I also wrote, “I bypass the consequences of conquest as it may or may not affect the following.” Then, I was diverted and promptly forgot to finish the job. I offer this more complete series as recovery.

I choose to start over and summarize both the characteristics and essentials for successful sexual involvement in masculine love. I cover it in six phases: birth, boyhood, puberty, before conquest, after conquest, and after marriage.

BIRTH brings forth the ‘four-leg’ foundation required for a man’s love to be sufficiently rewarding that he bonds with someone. That foundation—mutual likeability and mutual loyalty—is required throughout life for manly bonding with others.

Of course the definition of likeability spreads and impacts every interpersonal factor between two people. More later about how both sexes benefit.

BOYHOOD brings forth the ‘four-leg’ foundation but in reverse. Parents through both actions and words convince sons that they are very likeable and that parents are loyal to boyhood interests. Sons respond by finding parents equally likeable and aim their loyalty toward parents more than someone else. Thus, a boy’s ability to love and the intensity of it develops to the extent that parental actions primarily and words secondarily confirm son’s likeability. (Girls seem to regard words as more affirming but they are sensitive to actions contrary to words.)

PUBERTY brings forth the reversal of a boy’s bonding sequence. In a months-long conversion of intentions, boys swing away from bonding as done in childhood. Developing rapidly and changing hormonally, they become far more independent and somewhat skilled at interpreting and shaping human relations to match their taste and intention. Claiming greater independence, they shift to bonding with whomever they find likeable and to whom they can be loyal. When ‘whomever’ reciprocates likeability and loyalty, newly bonded friends spread their wings and share feedback  with whatever arrangement they can develop through ever riskier adventures that bring both success and failure. They self-teach by taking advantage of girls without letting the girls know they are learning from the girls. (As girls go, so goes teen life and so goes society when they become adults.)

Simultaneously, the hunter-conqueror role develops and gains ever more importance throughout the teen years. The maturing boy becomes fascinated with sex and mission oriented toward conquests. He spreads his wings and interests to discover how to conquer girls. Through success and failure he develops a skill level that impacts his self-respect for later life.

Before conquest, after conquest, and after marriage follow at 2283 next.

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297. Newlywed Bonding #8 — Evil incardnate


Rely on the card and then fail hard. Success at handling money tightly bonds a couple. Failure splits them even faster.

♂$♀  Adolescent decisions can kill good decision-making efforts. For example, newlyweds can’t spend their way into the middle class lifestyle their parents provided for them. Neither can they keep up with peers still living with parents. Try either and couples turn their lifestyle over to creditors.

♂$♀  Outrageous credit card interest rates and debt drag down anyone’s lifestyle. So, wiping out credit card interest payment is the fastest way to move a couple’s lifestyle upward—except for more income, of course.

♂$♀  Dealing with credit cards, good intentions are not nearly enough, not nearly enough, not nearly enough. Determination, firm plans, and loyalty to each other and their budgeting process are required. Both minds must be convinced that credit card interest payments are the financial equivalent of bringing home STDs.

♂$♀  Only one way out: Every couple should stop immediately charging on credit cards except as they set aside the money to pay it off with the next billing. Develop a system of tracking and the habit of paying cards off each month. Promise and deliver on the promise to never incur credit card interest payments, once current debt is paid off.

Empty promises deliver empty nests.

The next post facto is “Plan Ahead” at post 301.

[More about newlyweds appears at posts 261, 257, 254, 247, 242, 230 and 224. Scroll down or search by number with dot and space following it.]

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268. Weans, tweens, and teens #10 — Self-centered


          This post continues the description of subsets that make up the universal motivator, self-interest (post 223). Mature self-interest arrives after a child passes through three stages that are simplified here for clarity.

Selfish (post 239), self-centered, and self-tests are actions that motivate children at various stages of growing up. This post summarizes selfishness and then addresses self-centeredness.

In the last half of the weans, selfishness is the standard order of the day for toddlers. Such children promote their interests ahead of what’s agreeable with others. It becomes an undesirable habit, when they learn that it pays off. 

As effective parenting discourages selfishness, the child learns to think long instead of short term. He learns that spitefulness does not pay but fairness usually does. Groundwork is thus laid for the next stage after toddlerhood.

Self-centeredness arises during the tweens and takes two forms in every child. Whether viewed as good or bad, he behaves to make himself feel good about himself.

Parents consider it bad, when a child focuses repeatedly on getting others to make him feel good about himself. The child dwells on getting attention, affection, or appreciation. After repeated failures to be satisfied, he often escalates to outrageous behavior.  

Parents consider it good, when a child energizes himself to make his life better or more interesting. He depends upon himself to feel good about himself. He learns to benefit from turning off his selfish and self-centered switches when associating with others.

Self-centeredness in the tweens determines what’s ahead for the child and helps shapes his adult self-interest.

Lessons learned take on permanence as puberty arrives. Following that, the teen years provide the third stage of developing adult self-interest—self-testing. That’s the next post in this series.

[More about childhood mental growth appears in posts 239, 223, 208, 197, 193, 192, 187, 178, and 177. Scroll down or search by the number with a dot and space following it.]

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224. Newlywed Bonding #1 —Intro


Marriages deteriorate more easily and become temporary, than they solidify and become permanent. Deterioration requires little else than inattention, sloppiness, carelessness.  

Solidifying a marriage requires a lot of shared goals and planning to sustain mutual respect. Making the process habitual in the early years produces desired results later. (Grace and I didn’t get the shortcomings of our early marriage straightened out until our third decade together.)

First impressions last, and early marriage sets the stage for whatever follows. Jointly built successes bond a couple. Failures, weaknesses, and even good intentions do not bond and can smother love to death.

Consequently, newlywed success depends on preventing relationship harm. That’s where forming good habits comes in. It requires mutual devotion—not just commitment—to build new habits that stamp out premarital bad habits that lead to deterioration.

This Newlywed Bonding series covers four beneficial habits that chase bad habits away:

1.     Virtue as relationship glue

2.     Money as relationship slave

3.     Separate but equal as teamwork

4.     Custom as dispute avoidance

The first good habit will appear in a few days. The Table of Contents at the top lists many subjects pertaining to living successfully with someone of the opposite sex.

NOTE: A nice and classy young lady, Tricia, inspired this series of posts. I pray her pending marriage matches her public pleasantness, charm, and sense of responsibility.

 

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67. Exes, dumpees, and left behinds—Section I


Girls and women repeatedly spend time as ex-girlfriend, ex-lover, ex-live in, ex-wife. Whether searching, shacking up, or married, women repeatedly bounce from one misery to another interrupted frequently with love that doesn’t last and often with a new child. First with a guy and then without, and then with a guy and then without, and then….

Males are just males. Mothers, girls, and wives turn them into promising boys and mature men that please or displease females.

Every man expects he will be great as a mate—by masculine standards, that is. They must be taught otherwise, if female expectations are met.

Sexual encounters do not improve men, because sex neither bonds nor changes them for female advantage. The actions and reactions of women withholding intercourse teach men to adopt female-friendly behaviors and try harder to please females.

When there’s a shortage of unmarried sex all across society, it shapes masculine thinking toward goodness and what women appreciate. Trying to qualify for sex by searching for a female’s weaknesses, a man coincidentally learns about her non-sexual strengths and qualities of value to him. His love needs that base, if it’s to endure beyond the fading of lust, infatuation, and romantic love.

The presence of unmarried sex all across modern society shapes masculine thinking against what women appreciate. The ease of bouncing blossom to blossom lures men away from spending very much effort on females and especially the baggage-laden interests of one. Also, male dominance intensifies.

Modern women don’t rise to the challenge of relationship management required to succeed as a couple. Instead, they act less feminine, more masculine, and objectify themselves for trading in the sexual marketplace.

When relationship mistakes and failures become evident, she dumps him before he dumps her.

She recycles to the dreaded ex side of life. Her lament: ♫Where oh when ♫is my next boyfriend? She sighs and sponges up the sympathy and encouragement of her girlfriends. But the next hook up restarts the cycle.   

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56. Submissiveness—Section 1


I  separate two similar terms but very different concepts—submission vs. submissiveness. They are related but not synonymous. Treating them alike doesn’t just cloud over, it blacks out the vital issues.  

When the subject of ‘submission’ arises, people jump to conclusions. Such as, wife must capitulate to husband’s domination. He’s the boss even before push comes to shove. This makes it arguable, and women rightfully argue unfairness and injustice.

I regard ‘submission’ as without merit. It’s a prop for political advantage and pits women against men. It causes damage, because it’s more arguable than relevant.

On the other hand, ‘submissiveness’ is a cooperative spirit usually expected of the wife, the relationship expert. Regardless of its name and who has it, such a spirit is essential for marriage to work.

Any organization needs a CEO, a final authority who makes the toughest decisions and answers for failures. Two-boss organizations inevitably fall apart, and people—think kids—are confused by two equal authorities to whom they report. It’s so easy to play one against the other.

Without the presence of a submissive and cooperative spirit in one partner, disagreements rise to disputes, which promotes resentment, which causes alienation, which transmutes to bitterness, and makes matrimony crash from acrimony.

More to follow.

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Filed under Feminism: OOPS!, Home CEO, Uncategorized

14. When women are loose, they lose


When most females ‘put out’ easily and casually, sexual relations work against female safety. Males hitting on a female take rejection personal, as female condemnation. She carries what he is after, but when sex is cheap, the male nature pushes hormonally for sex and not the female. Rejection spawns bitterness, aggression, and violence. Rejection imagined as extremely personal turns boys, and those men who can’t handle it, toward extreme aggressiveness and even violence. 

When No Sex without Marriage is the strategy used by most women and honored by girls, males do not so easily take rejection personal. If rebuffed, they assume her personal character and standards reject his invitation, so females are not rejecting his person. This turns men away from competing for sex for its own sake and pushes them to compete for a woman rather than sex. This requires and males accept and rationalize that they must suppress aggressiveness and violence. In this way, the sexual habits of most females govern the level of male aggression and violence.

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